Original subtitles

[intro music]

[Frank] Now, nobody's saying the Chatsworth Estate

is the Garden of Eden,

but it's been a good home to us.

To me, Frank Gallagher, and me kids, who I'm proud of,

cos every single one of 'em reminds me a little of me.

They can all think for themselves, which they've me to thank for.

Lip, who's a bit of a gobshite,

which is why nobody calls him Phillip anymore.

Ian, lot like his mam,

which was handy for the others when she disappeared into thin air.

And Carl. We daren't let him grow his hair for two reasons.

One, it makes it stand on end and makes him look like Toyah.

Two, nits love him.

Debbie, sent by God, total angel.

You've to check your change,

but she'll go miles out of her way to do you a favour.

Plus, lickle Liam, who's gonna be a star someday.

Monica, the wife.

She's back with her bird in tow.

And we can't get shot of her.

And the neighbours, eh... The neighbours.

Well, what can you say?

Well, nothing, if you don't want your arms breaking.

Still, nobody's perfect.

But, all of 'em, to a man, know first and foremost

one of the most vital necessities in life is:

they know how to throw a party. [chuckles]

Scatter!

[Lip] Let's face it. Blokes and women, we want different things.

[baby crying]

She's not happy.

We have totally different skills.

Like men: the ability to be fully entertained

by watching footie scores on Ceefax.

-[baby crying] -Ian's in ours.

Women: the ability to remember everything ever said to 'em

-[Lip] by anyone about anything. -[Mandy] Hey!

and to replay any conversation word for word

while you're watching footie scores on Ceefax.

And yet, it totally works.

'Cos men need women.

And women need men.

Simple.

Perfect in fact.

[Mandy] Oh, go.

There are exceptions, obviously.

Poofs, lezzers.

Anything for yourself in this house!

And our Debbie, of course.

See this?

It's been chewed! [Debbie screams]

What Debbie wants or needs, don't ask me.

Never been able to work that one out.

[door bumping]

-Who the fuck are you? -Estate agent.

-I've got fucking rights you know. -I'm dealing with a situation!

An Englishman's home is his castle.

As I've said, Mrs Jackson has instructed us to sell.

Any problems, you need to ring her and discuss them.

Go on! Bugger off, you arse-faced little twat!

Out on me arse. [fingers snapping] Just like that.

Wasn't me who walked out on her, was it?

I did everything I could to make the relationship work and that.

Yeah, but it means you're back for good, right Dad?

I mean, where's the fucking justice, eh?

If I'd have binned her, she'd have had me banged to rights for half the fucking lot.

-Yeah, except you don't own any property. -Exactly, Phillip.

Well that's how much society values fathers.

It's enough to make you put on a pair of tights

and join them pillocks dressed up as Batman.

I'm going to the fucking wall on this one, I tell you.

All property is theft.

Never realised the truth of that until today.

Still, you're back in your rightful place.

That's the main thing, chick.

[suspenseful music]

Carl! Get off me geography project!

-What is the point of you? -I didn't see it, did I!

Extra strength.

[Frank grunts and coughs]

[Frank] Thanks, darling.

When you moved in with Sheila, I really missed bringing you tea.

But then I got used to it.

Don't tell mum, right, but I've been saving for a Geography field trip.

Four nights at the Wetlands Centre in Walton on the Naze.

Anyway, I haven't got enough saved, so you might as well have some.

[Debbie sorts notes]

Thanks, kidder.

Can sub you.

'Til you get some of Sheila's house money back

through the courts and that.

Well, it's not really about the money, is it?

It's more wanting to see justice.

[Frank] Families need fathers, don't they?

Oh!

Wondered where you'd got to.

I just needed a bit of down-time, love. Moving takes it out of you.

Oh, Frank.

[suspenseful music]

Plenty of TLC, that's what you need.

[rock music on headphones]

Hiya...

Shane.

[music drowns out speech]

-Get some water! -Water?

To throw over the dog!

-[men shouting] -[dog snarling]

Nelson! Off, Nelson! Nelson!

Get the dog off!

Sweet Jesus!

No, Nelson!

Get to your bed!

[woman cries]

Sorry, I thought it were business.

-Business? -You know, drugs.

Not 'cos of... I mean 'cos of him.

[Micky] Go on! Get to your bed!

He was attack trained.

Started off as a police dog

til they realised he didn't have the temperament.

You're a red rag to a fucking bull, looking at him like that.

I didn't look at him! He came out of nowhere!

Welcome to the neighbourhood!

He was looking at him!

It's Micky. Not Shane!

[chatter]

Out of ice. Again.

-Well I didn't finish it, did I? -Yeah you bloody did!

You've been going through it like there's a sale on.

Because Jez told me to put as much ice in the drinks as possible.

Yeah, well, it's more refreshing that way.

Christ's sake, you two! It's like working with an old married couple.

Ian!

If we were married, I'd have taught you a few manners by now.

Oh yeah, put me over your knee, would you?

For starters.

-Excuse me, Mrs Maguire. -[Karen laughs] Mrs Maguire!

[Karen] In your dreams!

-[Micky] Got any gear? -[Ian grunts] Shit!

You're um...

You're... the dealer.

I'm not a fucking dealer, alright?

Right. I must... I thought you were the other one.

[Ian hesitates] Ones.

I can get you some Es from behind the bar.

Nah, you're alright.

What d'you think of that, then?

-[Ian] Fuckin' hell, how'd you get that? -Bottle.

This psycho went for Nelson in a pub while we was off down south.

Had a thing for dogs, y'know.

Touch it if you want. Feels well smooth.

Well go on, it won't fucking bite!

[Ian] Yeah.

Doesn't hurt.

[Micky] 14 stitches I had.

Doctor said I'm lucky to be alive.

I think we better go in here.

-You what? -You know, if anyone comes in.

Fuck off! You fucking little fairy! Fucking little pervert!

-Do I look like a fucking poofdah? -No, honest, you don't.

But you do have a hard-on.

[suspenseful music]

-I'll see to all these then, shall I? -[Karen] Not my turn.

You know, sometimes I wonder why I married you.

Though I suppose I should be grateful the wife's not letting herself go.

Yeah, well I knew when you put the ring on me finger,

I'd have to keep up me standards.

Plenty of girls would be happy to be Mrs Jamie Maguire.

Damn right.

'Course, your mum's given it six weeks.

Me mam's just jealous 'cos she can see I've married the woman of my dreams.

Nightmare, more like.

[sighs]

-Karen-- -So how many kids d'you want?

-Hundreds. -You have 'em then.

[Debbie and Frank laughing]

I was thinking that--

Morning!

-It's not normal. -He's my dad.

Exactly. It's high time you got yourself a boyfriend.

-Even Spacky Wright's not that desperate. -Oh, piss off, Carl!

Deb's not interested in lads, are you Debs?

'Course I am!

-[Liam, singing] Debbie likes boy-oys... -[Carl and Lip cheering]

Leave her alone, you lot.

-Just a late developer, aren't you Deb? -No!

Exactly. That's what I'm saying.

-It's time you got yourself laid, madam. -Mum!

Well it's not natural, is it? A girl her age hanging around home all the time.

Unless, of course, you're the other way--

You mean like you used to be before you decided to use dad as a meal ticket?

Hey!

Need a bog roll.

Dad, she's saying I shouldn't be hanging round with you all the time.

[Debbie] You don't think I'm weird, do you?

'Course not!

Well not weird, no. Just...

Just, like, special like, you know.

Always has been. Lickle Debbie.

But she's not little anymore, that's the point!

-[Monica] Look at her,

-at her age I was running a house! -I am running the house!

No, with your dad.

You need to get yourself a fella, Debbie.

[Monica] Go on, tell her, Frank.

Yeah, just, you know... What your mum says... She's your mum.

Okay then. If that's what you want.

Debs!

[door banging]

Normal, ribbed,

extra strong or flavoured?

What flavours have you got?

Fruit cocktail, banoffee pie, chicken balti.

I wouldn't bother with that one.

Just normal then.

Five pounds 62, love.

I haven't seen you with a lad, Debbie. It's not that Wright boy is it?

Spacky Wright?

It in't, is it?

-[Yvonne] Is it? -No!

It's just a lad.

Think we've upset her.

[dog barking]

Y'alright?

[upbeat music]

[lads cheering]

Ey, Spider, I think she fancies yer!

-Hey, you got a girlfriend? -No.

We've split up!

Ideally, I think intercourse should happen in the context of a loving relationship.

You what?

You shouldn't shag someone if you don't like 'em.

How d'you get laid then?

[Sighs]

-It's my turn to bring those in. -Well, teamwork.

That's what married life's all about, innit?

Is it? I thought it was about having someone to blame

-when your life turns out to be shit. -Well, that too.

Talking of which...

[Jamie] I realised we've been putting the cart before the horse.

It's time to make an honest woman out of you.

Karen! I'm sorry, okay? What have I done?

It's a big fucking joke, innit?

Karen the bike, Karen the big laugh. Who'd want to marry her?

[Karen] She's good for a jump or a blowjob but that's it.

-I'm not laughing, alright. -I'm not joking!

I wouldn't marry you...

-What? -It's not a joke.

Will you fucking marry me?

Why?

[Jamie] What d'you mean, why?

-You don't even know me, Jamie. -Yeah, I do!

I see you every day.

You're the only one when I came out of prison didn't treat me like a psycho.

You must realise I fancy the arse off you.

Yeah. But getting married...

We could try, like, going on a date first.

Fuck all that! I've lost ten years of my life.

I know what I want from the rest of it.

You.

[Frank straining]

[suspenseful music]

[door knocking]

[Monica] Frank? You alright in there, love?

It's not your old trouble is it?

[Monica] When did you last go?

[Frank sighs]

[upbeat music]

[boy] Hey! You shouldn't be chucking stuff in there.

Especially if it's not biodegradable.

-What was it? A crisp packet? -No.

What are you anyway? The litter police?

-Just care about the environment. -[Debbie] Well, good for you.

At my old school, we helped out with this project, clearing out the canal.

It was totally minging, some of the stuff we got out.

I took all the old trollies back to the supermarket.

Made nearly twenty quid. Some of 'em didn't even have wheels.

Like, free money or what!

Do you fancy me?

-Yeah. -D'you want to go out later, then?

We could take some stuff down to the recycling centre.

[Debbie] After tea, half nine.

Alright.

[Lillian] It's not for you, it's for the baby.

What fucking baby?

Everyone knows, Jez love. There's no shame in going with a fella now and again,

even if you are on the other bus.

It's a surrogate pregnancy, Lillian,

and the only thing that touched me was a fucking turkey baster!

That baby will be out of me and down to Swindon

before the four grand has a chance to hit my bank account.

So no knitwear, ta very much.

[sighs]

You know, I thought that gauge was loose on them needles.

-People are gonna start talking. -Fuck off! I'm off home, aren't I?

Fuck off!

[Ian chuckles]

There's no-one in.

[Micky] Me mam and dad are at their Irish dancing lesson.

[Irish trad music]

[Ian chuckles]

["What You Waiting For" playing]

Nelson!

[Ian laughing]

♪ What you waiting, what you waiting, what you waiting, what you waiting ♪

♪ What you waiting, what you waiting for? ♪

[both panting]

[Ian kisses teeth] Sweet.

[snorting]

Fucking hell!

[Ian sniffs]

-What is it? -Haven't even cut it yet.

Stuff we sell round here's mostly baby formula.

Little Katie's probably getting more of a buzz than the punters.

[door opens]

Haven't seen that new disabled sticker, have you?

Those bastard traffic wardens down the community centre.

There's no messing with 'em

and I don't want your mother doing another stretch for GBH.

-It's not-- -That Panamanian gear.

Makes you sweat like a fucking pig, eh?

[both] Yeah!

[Paddy] Don't get a taste for it buggerlugs, you couldn't afford it.

[laughing]

[Paddy] Look at youse. Like a pair of fucking queers there!

[door closes]

Fuck!

[front door opens]

[front door closes]

Shit!

I haven't had a close call like that

since me mam nearly walked in on Nelson sucking us off.

[Nelson panting]

-Nelson? -[Micky] Yeah.

I was about 13, right.

Dad broke both me arms for dealing on his patch.

I was plaster up to here going mad for a wank.

[Micky] I mean, how horny are you when you're 13, hey?

Talk about a man's best friend.

[Spitting up]

Excuse me.

Debbie? Turkey dinosaurs?

I'm off out. Got a date.

-Fuck off! Who with? -Luke.

You know.

Forget it. Anyway, I've got my key.

[Debbie] Might not be home til late. Or I might stay out.

-Are you shagging him? -Probably.

-Debbie! -What?

You were all having a go at me before.

Why shouldn't I have a sex life like everyone else?

It's just that, well...

Have a word, mum.

[sighs]

Right, well you could always go on the pill.

Although if you're like me, it'll make you retain more water than Gorton reservoir.

But, if you're serious about this lad,

Maybe you should put your name down early for a council flat.

-[Ian] Talk to her. -Debbie!

Go on.

[Frank] Debbie.

When a man and a woman...

...come together...

[Frank hesitates]...the union... of two beings...

Dad, it's no big deal.

One, I'm gonna use a condom.

[Debbie] There's chlamydia to think of apart from the contraceptive issues.

And two, with all the gymnastics I've done, I probably have no hymen left.

I fry the beans in the bacon fat, Karen. That's the secret.

It's delicious.

[Karen] You'll have to show me how.

[Nelson eating]

Mam, do we have to have Nelson licking round everywhere?

-It's not exactly hygienic. -[Micky] Don't start!

-Don't talk to me about fucking Nelson. -[Nelson whimpers]

[Mimi] D'you like dogs, Karen?

Yeah.

Well, wait til the baby's born before you think about getting one.

[Mimi] You never know how they'll be with a little one.

Christ no! Do you remember taking our Shane down for all them stitches?

Poor, wee bastard. Reconstructive surgery my arse!

[All laughing]

Fuck off!

-Baby? -Karen's not pregnant, mam.

[suspenseful music]

We thought we'd try getting married first.

Well...

There's a first time for everything!

[suspenseful music]

[Both laughing]

That went well...

No. They really like you.

Jamie, she nearly broke me fucking arm!

[Cheering]

That's just her way of welcoming you into the family.

Seriously, you were a big hit.

-Ow! -Sorry.

-Better? -No.

[kiss]

Do you think it's a bit weird, us getting engaged?

No. Look, I know my family's not exactly

Little House on the fucking Prairie, Karen, but...

but I'm my own man.

I don't mean your family.

I mean us not having, you know... done it.

What is it?

-Is it me being experienced? -No.

I was inside for ten years.

[sighs] Oh, that!

-I don't mind whose bitch you were. -No, I wasn't!

I mean, dad warned 'em off.

But apart from copping the odd feel from this art therapist

who used to visit a few years back...

You do the maths.

You're a virgin?

I might as well be.

[Jamie pants]

I don't think it's gonna be a problem.

[Jez] What's this? The fucking honeymoon?

[Jez sighs] Bastard heartburn again.

There's an all night chemist down Birchington Lane.

Well, I can't go in my condition, can I? Need 12 hours sleep or I'm fit for nought!

Don't wait up then.

[loud belch]

[Debbie] You're late.

Only 2 minutes. Well, 1 minute 40 seconds, if you're counting.

Nice.

So, what were you thinking we'd do then?

It's alright. I want to.

What's up? Are you gay?

No! It's not... It's not that.

-I thought you fancied me. -I do.

I've brought my own.

What is it?

[Debbie] What is it, Luke?

[Luke] There's something you need to know about me.

[Debbie] Oh no. Get off! Leave me alone!

[Luke] Debbie! Debbie, come back, will ye?

[Luke] Debbie!

Debbie!

[suspenseful music]

Morning.

Hiya.

What you doing up so early?

You know.

I haven't been back since last night.

Luke...

-I've been having sex with Luke. -[Car crashing]

What were it like?

Yeah, great!

-[Debbie] It was great. -Was it?

How many times?

About five or six?

Morning.

-Hey! Don't fucking do that! -I'm sorry.

[howling]

It really is a bit risky here, Micky. You know.

Oh, okay.

Came to bring you this.

-An iPod? You didn't buy it, did you? -Yeah.

From our Shane. He knocked a lorry off last Thursday.

Oh. Cheers.

-Maybe see you after work then. -Yeah, maybe.

Fuck off then!

[suspenseful music]

[Frank sings] Sunrise, sunset

Sunrise, sunset

Swiftly through the days

Seedlings turn overnight to sunflowers

-It is normal, Frank. -What is?

Debbie getting laid.

-[Mandy] Well it is. -Who's the lad, do you know?

Luke something or other.

Moved in across there.

-The coloured family? -You can't say coloured nowadays.

-What are you supposed to call them? -Them?

-Afro-caribbean. -[Carol] Oh, give over. Who says that?

Anyway, you must've got the wrong end of the stick.

I know that lot from when I lived over on the Welby.

[Carol] The Newmans.

Well, I'd be very surprised if Debbie's carrying on with their son.

-Why's that, then? -They're religious.

-[bell tolls] -[Carol] 12th Day Reform Pentecostalists.

[Carol] I dabbled a bit meself a while back, but it wasn't for me.

[groaning] Not the fucking God squad!

Fifty percent of your income to the church.

-[Carol] Strictly no sex before marriage. -Thank you.

So if Debbie's set her cap at young Whatsisface,

they'll have her down the aisle before you can say Jack Robinson.

Fifty fucking percent!

Worse than the fucking Catholics! Worse than the fucking Christians!

-Catholics are Christians. -Oh, fuck off!

-Pound of fucking flesh. -[Mandy] Frank! Debbie likes this lad.

What good are you doing laying down the law to his mum and dad?

-She's got a point. -Oh, excuse me. This is my daughter!

[Frank] Every father's worst nightmare!

"Dad, meet my boyfriend, the Reverend fucking chisel arse."

He can fuck off!

[shouts] Dad!

[lads laughing]

[lad] Ey!

-Pointy tits. Fancy a shag or what? -Yeah.

I said yeah!

Nah, sorry. Don't do donations to charity.

[lads laugh]

Tonight?

I know it's a bit previous, but I thought it'd be nice

for you to meet some of the extended family.

And if your future mother-in-law can't give you a hen-do, who can?

'Course it might not be your cup of tea.

No! It's just--

It's just I know our Jamie's keen for us to get on.

Yeah. I'd love to. It's really nice of you, Mimi.

Just had an arrangement.

Which I'll rearrange, obviously.

[Mimi chuckles]

[Mimi] You see, Karen love. It's true what they say.

A son's a son til he gets a wife.

A daughter-in-law's yours for all of her life!

Still on to fuck yer brains out tonight?

Your mum's just asked me out, as it happens.

Oh, it's not going to be an all-nighter, is it?

-Hope not! -Christ! Me too.

You see, I told you she liked you.

You're just paranoid.

[Mr Newman] So, Mr Gallagher...

You're concerned about my son seeing your daughter.

[Mrs Newman] Is this true, Luke? You've been... courting this girl?

-No, not courting. Just, kind of-- -Can I speak, please?

My concern... Erm...

If I can put it this way is...

Lifestyle.

Uh... lifestyle?

Debbie's lifestyle.

She's...

Well, let me put it like this:

I wouldn't be that keen on any son of mine...

[Frank] Hanging around with her.

I'm not sure I catch your drift, Mr Gallagher.

She's a...

[Frank sighs] It's a terrible thing to have to say about your own daughter.

But...

To be honest...

She likes to...

To...

Samson and Delilah.

[Frank] Jason and the Argonauts.

[Frank] Sort of Jezebel!

[Frank] Yeah. Yeah. She is a Jezebel, through and through.

In't she, Phillip?

Um...

Uh-huh.

[Frank] I'd have him checked out if I was you.

[Mr Newman kisses his teeth]

-[Frank] Should listen then, shouldn't ya. -"Jezebel through and through". Nice one.

Well, it worked, didn't it?

Lad won't touch her with a fucking barge pole from now on.

Or 50% of a fucking barge pole!

-[Debbie, groaning] Lip... -[Lip] State of you!

I still feel a bit sick, actually.

[Debbie groans]

[Lip] Whate are you doing going on the lash?

[Lip] You're supposed to be at school.

Spider and his mates seen me.

Spider?

[Debbie] You don't think that's his real name, do you?

[Debbie groans]

-I don't think I can go to school again. -Why not?

What's been going on with you and this Spider lad?

Nothing.

That's what's been going on, right? Absolutely nothing.

[Lip] I don't get it, Debs.

[Lip] I thought all you were into was Luke five minutes back.

Luke's lovely...

But he wouldn't do it with me, either.

[Debbie] "God says it's wrong."

No-one wants me, Lip.

-You mean you haven't shagged him? -I told you, he wouldn't.

[Debbie] Said: "God might see us and smite "us down.

And I tried to do it with Spider

so you and mum and everyone couldn't get at me anymore

[Debbie] but he just laughed at me. It was horrible.

[Debbie sighs]

[Debbie groans]

[Debbie groans]

[Door knocks]

Yeah, just...

Just live and learn, Deb.

[Frank chucles] This whole business is 90% fiction and 10% friction.

[Debbie groans]

Hello, Mr Gallagher. I wanted to see Debbie.

-Hiya. -Hiya.

I just wanted to say, you know,

I understand.

About you being a bit of a slag.

[Luke] It's probably low self-esteem and that.

[upbeat music]

Hiya!

I missed yer, did you miss me?

-What are they? -I got 'em from the travel agent.

Thought we might get away together.

Mykonos, Ibiza...

Are you fucking mental?

-We could go off season. -I'm not going on holiday with ya.

I don't want to...

You know...

Go out with ya.

[Ian] Alright?

Is it because of what I told you about Nelson?

No!

It's just...

Look.

It were good. But it's not gonna carry on.

I mean, you, me,

we'd be dead meat if anyone finds out, you know we would.

-But I love ya. -Oh, fucking hell.

-No you don't. -[Micky] I do!

All these fucking... feelings.

[Micky] You're the only one who understands.

I don't.

-Honest, I don't. -I fucking love ya.

[menacing music]

And if it takes telling me mam and dad about us,

how I feel, that's what I'm gonna do.

-What d'you mean? -I'm gonna tell them how I feel!

Micky!

Mam, dad,

I've got something to tell you and it's not something I'm ashamed of.

-[Micky] In fact, I'm proud. -[door opening]

He taught Nelson to suck his cock!

[suspenseful music]

Alright?

-See you later. -[Mandy] Hey?

-Hen-do! -Hen-do?

[Micky crying]

Mimi?

Calm down, Micky! I'll have Nelson here til it all blows over, right.

-Bad choice of words. -Fuck off, you freak--

-[Mandy] Enough! -What d'you fucking mean?

[Mandy] I said enough! Unless you want me to take him back next door.

My dad says he's gonna have Nelson put down.

You know what he means to me, you fucking cunt!

I fucking hate you!

[Nelson pants]

-What's all that about? -[All] Don't ask!

Wind changes, you'll stay like that.

-[Debbie chuckles] -[Monica chuckles]

[Mimi] Right, this is the plan.

Security's here. Mickey Mouse. One bloke doing the rounds.

Back's forceable, few Yales, that's it.

Marlene'll drive down.

Hang on. Is this...

We're not going on a raid are we?

Bit of business and pleasure, Karen love.

[Mimi] Few gross of digital foot massagers.

Right. Me and Marlene are in

while sugartits here gets it on with the security bastard.

Wham, bam, thank you, mam! In and out twenty, tops.

Are you saying you want me to cop off with the security guard?

It's nothing you haven't done before, is it?

No, but why does it have to be me?

[menacing music]

I'm engaged, Mimi. To your son.

It'll be our little secret, Karen love.

[Mimi] Men can be a bit funny about that sort of thing.

Right, ladies. Let's go. Eight o'clock shift change.

[woman] It's taking us four hours to get out of the fucking van.

[suspenseful music]

Right. Are we ready?

No calls till the job's done.

Cops can trace records. Go on!

[suspenseful music]

Debbie.

[Mandy] You know, if this lad really likes you,

he won't care what anyone says.

-What? If I'm a slapper, you mean? -No.

Listen to me. That's a bloke's word.

It's a bloke's fucking hang up.

Doesn't matter what you do or who you're doing it with.

-As long as you're having a good time, ok? -I haven't done anything!

Not that it's for lack of trying.

There's no rush, Debs. It's always crap to start off.

Thing to do is to get a lad and train him up.

This one that you like?

Luke. He's religious. Dead religious.

His parents are, you mean.

[Mandy] He's a 15 year old lad.

Choice between you and Jesus? No contest!

[Mandy] I mean that beard's minging for a start and there's the sandals.

Anyway, your hair's better.

It's gonna take more than your dad and Lip going round

telling tall tales to his mum and dad to put him off.

Dad and Lip?

Yeah, you know, saying you're a loose woman.

But, I thought it were Spider.

Dad and Lip?

-Who are you? -Pizza.

Can't believe I actually forgot the pizza.

[Karen] It's me first night.

Yeah but, like I said, I hadn't ordered any pizza.

That's alright then. I might keep my job.

-So it's just you on your own then is it? -Yeah. Nobby no mates.

Nobby.

Yeah. Just a figure of speech.

You and nobby... up for a bit of fun?

Alright, steady on. Steady on, Deb. It's just one lickle...

Sticks and stones may hurt my bones but,

but I did it for all the right reasons.

-You know, to protect ya. -Protect me?

Flesh of my flesh.

Protect your young. Born free.

All that. They're not your standard happy clappers, Deb.

They take fifty percent.

Half... Of your money!

I haven't got any money.

Yeah but it's the principle of the thing, innit?

One of you better have some bloody money to pay for these laxatives.

[Debbie] You say it's to protect your young, right?

But you haven't, have you?

'Cos I really liked Luke and now he thinks I'm a slapper.

[Debbie] And mum and everyone.

You've been on their side, saying I should do it.

When it turns out you don't even care about that. You don't care about me.

All you care about is your bloody money! You're useless, you!

[Frank] Debbie! Debbie! Debbie!

[Frank] Please, love.

I'm...

Fuck. What can I do?

[Frank] I'll do anything.

[Frank] Come on, you name it.

[Frank] I'm begging ya.

I am a proud man and I'm begging ya.

Money.

[scary music]

I want 120 quid for the trip to Walton on the Naze.

And some for spends. Then we can talk.

[suspenseful music]

-[Frank pants] -[door opens]

-Fuck. -[stomach rumbling]

[strains] Oh fuck.

[upbeat music]

[breathing heavily]

[groans]

[moaning]

Our Jamie's gonna fucking love this.

[moaning] Oh fucking hell!

-[man moans] -Smile for the camera, Karen!

Alright, Mimi?

[man breathes heavily]

[man] Hey! Tell your friend she can join in and all.

[suspenseful music]

As you can see, this is the living room, kitchen, en suite.

This is the bedroom.

-The bathroom. -[Frank groans in relief]

Yes! The eagle has fucking landed!

There's 200 quid.

That do you?

[Frank] Pound of flesh?

-Where'd you get it? -Me to know, Deb. Ways and means.

...240... 250.

That is a one-off, alright? No more guest appearances.

Gentlemen's agreement, Marlon. Won't see hid nor hair from now on.

They were gonna make a fucking offer you know.

Debbie, love.

Everything alright?

He's all yours.

[door closes]

[sad music]

Fuck.

Hello.

-Good night? -Yeah, good.

Really good.

Is this okay?

Try...

[pans clattering]

Done you some sandwiches. It's a long way to uh...

[Both] Walton on the Naze.

-[Lip] Maze, Naze. Whatever. -[Debbie chuckles]

[Lip] Anyway. [Lip grunts]

[Debbie laughs]

No egg. Just cheese and pickle.

Don't want any teasing on the coach, do we?

-Who's let one go? -Who's dropped one?

[Debbie laughs]

-[Lip] Stinker! -[Debbie] That's for saying I'm a slapper!

See ya later.

[Lip] Sigmund Freud, right. Father of modern psychoanalysis.

Inventor of penis envy and all that bollocks.

Said he never worked out what it is a woman truly wants.

In men's case, he reckoned it was down to two things:

Work and love.

Obviously he never met me dad.

[Debbie] So what did you tell 'em then?

-[Lip] As for our Debbie, well... -[Luke] Same as you. Walton on the Naze.

-Said it was a gospel camp. -Gospel camp?

-Piss off! -In't it one of the commandments or some?

[Laughing] Stop! Get off!

-[Luke laughs] -Such a weakling!

I'm letting you win!

[both laughs]

[Lip] Turns out our Debbie's not that different after all.

Like most women, what she wants is love, work, and her own fucking way.

[Debbie laughs]

[moaning]

What have you done?

I am not answerable to you!

Hiya, Frank. D'you wanna earn some cash?

You're a one man fucking enigma machine, Shane. D'you know that?

[Shane] Bye bye, Frank!

Party!

Get on the ground, all of you!

I love the way her nostrils flare when she gets pumped.

[Tom] Have you noticed that?

We should be on each other's side, Tom.

I fucking hate her. She's spoiling it for everyone.

[Moaning]

[upbeat music]

[Micky weeping]

[man crying]