Original subtitles

[intro music]

[Frank] Now, nobody's saying the Chatsworth Estate

is the Garden of Eden, but it's been a good home to us,

to me, Frank Gallagher, and me kids, who I'm proud of,

cos every single one of 'em reminds me a little of me.

See, they can all think for themselves, which they've got me to thank for.

[Lip] Quick, leg it!

[Frank] Lip, who's a bit of a gobshite,

which is why nobody calls him Phillip anymore.

Ian, lot like his mam, which is handy for the others,

cos she's disappeared into thin air.

And Carl. We daren't let him grow his hair for two reasons.

One, it makes it stand on end and makes him look like Toyah.

Two, nits love him.

Debbie, sent by God, total angel.

You've to check your change,

but she'll go miles out of her way to do you a favour.

Plus, lickle Liam, who's gonna be a star someday.

Wicked!

[Frank] Sheila, me bird.

Couldn't be happier. One plate short of a full set, like.

Carol and Marty, the lodgers from hell.

Last of the lonely hearts and a psychologist's wet dream.

Still, nobody's perfect.

But all of 'em to a man know first and foremost

one of the most vital necessities in life is

they know how to throw a party! [chuckles]

Scatter!

[upbeat music]

[Frank] Some days, you know you're on to a loser

before you've even had your first fart.

Others, the gods are smiling and there's nothing you can't sort out.

I mean, yeah, you know, there's the Es in the cornflakes might help a bit,

but why shouldn't people rub along together?

You know what I mean? Doesn't have to be a drama, does it?

Oh! Sorry, just finishing off.

[Frank] I mean, look at Diana, Charles and Camilla.

It worked out okay for them, didn't it?

[car tyres screeching]

-Come here, you. -[Sheila chuckles]

-Come here. Give us a kiss. -[Sheila squeals]

[Sheila whimpers, sighs]

-Oh! All right, Frank? You miss me? -[Frank mumbling]

Couldn't find the child benefit book.

Shall we, uh, well, shall we go to the pub?

-Yeah? All right. -Okay.

[Frank murmurs] Come on, come on.

Oh!

Oh!

[sighs]

Oh!

They're all so grown up now. Hardly recognised 'em.

Yeah, well, it's been hard for me.

Responsibility for all of 'em on me own.

It's kind of weighed heavily.

Yeah, but I'm back now, Frank.

To lighten your load.

[tense music]

-Monica! -[western music]

Sheila.

[suspenseful music]

[Sheila, Monica and Frank scream]

[coughs]

You all right, Sheila? You remember Monica, don't ya?

She's come... [stammers] you know, she's come to see the kids.

Yes.

You told me, Frank.

Brought your cigarettes. Would you like a drink, Monica?

Yeah, another vodka tonic, thanks.

-[Sheila clears throat] -Oh, yeah, right, yeah. Course I did.

Cos you asked me that... about the.. when she... Yeah, and I said...

-Yeah, of course, yeah. -[Sheila] Right.

That'll be two vodka tonics, please, Jez.

[Monica] Hmm, fancy that. Same poison.

[Frank] And, uh...

just have a couple of Es, Jez.

[door locked opens]

Do any of yous lot know how this works?

-That's disgusting. -What is it?

It's a balloon pump.

Eh, sorry, have we not met? I'm your neighbour.

I want some help blowing these up.

It isn't a fucking request.

[Debbie] Here.

You wouldn't be our neighbour, would you, if you hadn't stolen my daughter's house.

Like you give a shit.

Nearly pulled a muscle trynna scavenge her gear for your own back.

I'm keeping it for her.

Oh, yeah, and I'm the Queen of Sheba.

Hadn't you two better get a rocket up your arse.

Gotta be there for one.

-[Lip] Didn't know I was coming. -[Mimi] Family, aren't ya?

Even if you do think you're better than us.

Our Jamie'll soon sort you out.

[gestures] "Fuck off."

[Ian] Spliff?

Oi, fuck off, you little wankers!

[both laugh]

[Karen moaning]

What are you looking at, you perv?

[delivery guy grunts]

[delivery guy pants]

[exhales heavily]

Sign there, love.

Ta. See you in a couple of days.

[Karen] Yeah.

[sexy music]

[grunts] But I need to go!

[Debbie] It's not my problem, Norma.

You can't do this! There's such a thing as human rights, you know?

I'm entitled to a toilet.

Where's Mon? She'll let us.

-[Ian] Gone out. -[Norma sighs]

Which is exactly what you should be doing, Norma. Going home.

Unless you want to pay us rent for sleeping in the Dormobile.

Where's she gone? She's never up before 11.

[tuts, gasps] Look, Debbie, I'm gonna piss myself.

[tuts] Oh...

[Mimi] Look at you.

Makes a mother so proud.

You look like a stiff in a body bag.

Straighten your face or our Jamie will put you in a fucking body bag!

-[Paddy] Uh, uh, uh... -Pack it in, you two.

Micky, reminds me of your first communion.

Right, when he comes out, don't overcrowd him, okay?

What did you make us all fucking come for, then?

Oi! Watch your mouth, fucking gobshite!

So he knows we appreciate him. And what he's done for us.

-And how much we love him. -[Shane] Where is he, then?

Haven't fed my snake yet.

-Jesus Chr--! -Can't we just... ask somebody?

So, you just left her, then.

Look, I won't say I was wrong to leave my kids, but, um...

I had my reasons.

But I'm back now.

And Norma isn't part of that. End of story.

How's she taking it?

You have to learn to accept change, don't you? Whenever it comes.

Right... It's your round then, Monica, ain't it?

Oh! What am I like? Same again?

It's bound to happen, innit? [chuckles]

Norma's not exactly...

Is she?

Can't... say I blame her.

It's good.

You know, for the kids, though. You know... they've got their mother back.

So, when... did I tell ya?

You tell me, Frank.

What?

You must have told me some time, mustn't you, cos why would you have not?

Oh, yeah, right.

Well, yeah.

I was just saying to Frank, it'll be so lovely to have you back.

-Another pair of hands around. -Oh, that's a lovely ring, Sheila!

-Is it QVC? -[Frank] Yeah, well...

Should probably go, Sheila, you know, got stuff to do, food shopping...

No thanks, Frank. I'd rather stay here for another drink.

-Wouldn't you, Monica? -Oh, yes, I'm very happy.

Right.

[Monica] Must say, you have cleaned up his act

if he's willing to leave the pub before closing time. [chuckles]

Different man, aren't you, Frank?

Mmm.

[sipping] Mmm.

Oh, another one down.

I do admire your restraint, Sheila.

Right.

-You let him out, you bastards! -You tell 'em, Ma.

You let my Jamie out or I'll have the lot of yous!

They let him out two hours ago.

-Oh, for fuck's sake! -This is your fault, Shane.

Ya... fucking wanker!

[in tears] All I'm saying is...

home-made mayonnaise can make up egg or prawns.

All it takes is eight minutes of patience,

but no one tries any more.

-They just don't... -[glass shatters]

-[Ian] Mum. -[Frank] Maybe we should--

Ooh! Good timing. Another round ready.

[Sheila whimpers]

[Ian] Four eighty.

Knocking 'em back, aren't ya?

Just getting to know Sheila.

Keep the change.

[Sheila] ...anyone except me. And it's wrong!

It's so wrong! [sobbing]

It's wrong!

I can't...

I can't! Jesus!

A glass of Gordon's. Thank you. Thank you very much.

Right. Then.

Just... slash.

[Sheila muttering indistinctly] ...pastries.

...tried getting a job, yet?

Oh, look who it isn't!

Get a good look, did you, earlier?

Pervert!

-I know who he is, Karen. He's... -He's who?

Jamie, I told you it was him!

We came to get you, why didn't you phone?

[Mimi] You've come back, me angel, you've come back to us!

Ah!

It's Jamie Maguire. He did ten for murder.

-So? He's still a perv. -Karen!

Well, he is.

[Paddy] Right. Come on, then, let's get you home.

Party, party, party, eh?

You come too. Come on.

-[Karen grunts] -[Jez sighs]

[Monica] Oh!

-I remember him. -[Frank] Monica!

Don't be daft, Frank. I've seen it all before.

-Yeah, but that was-- -Come on, it's just a bit of fun.

She's nice, your wife, but...

I bet you're not as good together as you and me were.

-Don't start. -Do you still want me, Frank?

[Monica passionately] Oh, yes, you do!

Come on, come with Monica. Just for a minute. Just in here.

Yeah, come on, you dirty bastard.

Fuck.

You know you want to. [moaning]

What's the matter? Getting something at home that I can't give you? Ah?

[Billy] Whoa! Sorry.

No, it's the gents, this, love, y'know,

that's why it says it on the door. All right, Billy.

Yeah, you know, it's what little man's all about.

Gents pee standing up, don't they?

Oh, Officer!

Fucking women, hey, Billy, can't fucking shoot them!

Oh, dear, what's happened here?

Come on. Come on, Sheila, let's get... Let's get you home. I've got ya.

It's all right. Don't wretch up here.

[grunts] All right, I got ya. Just...

-Yeah. See you later. -[Sheila whimpers]

See you later.

Hey, what won the three o'clock at Haydock, Dave, d'you know?

[Dave] Ambleton, mate, you've lost your money.

[laughter]

[Paddy] Welcome home, son.

-Cheers! -[all cheering]

It's grand to have you back.

Soon clean up round this place, show 'em who's boss.

-Jamie Maguire, back on the manor! -[balloon bursts]

Shane, will you stop doing that, you little shite!

Your mother went to a lotta trouble.

-So, you gonna tell him then or what? -Tell me what?

We've got you a little job, you know,

-help you get back on your feet. -Set you up, like.

-But I'm in it as well, aren't I? -All right, Shane.

-It's a kidnapping. Total no-brainer. -Look, if it's Shane's job, let him do it.

I'm not interested.

[Paddy] Now look what you've done!

Frank?

I want to go on top.

[ominous tone] Oh, Monica, no.

[breathing heavily]

[Frank snoring]

[alarm buzzing]

[snoring]

[Norma, Sheila gasp]

[quietly] Oh! Hello, Norma.

All right? Hi.

[Monica] It's got lots of vitamin C in it,

which is very good for you.

Bitch! [nervous breathing]

[Monica] You don't need to do it for him.

[Carl unintelligible]

[Sheila exhales]

Come on, then. Come on, be quiet, she might hear.

-[Norma] Cat litter! -[Yvonne] You what?

As in, litter for cats.

Is everyone around here retarded?

I need the fucking toilet! [grunts]

Norma, hello.

You could use ours.

Oh, thank fuck. Somebody normal.

[gasps] Um, but, you're gonna have to take your shoes off.

Please don't touch the walls, cos I've cleaned.

-[Norma] Right. Well, hurry, then. -Let's go.

[Shane] Ah, see... I didn't need you.

What the fuck is that?

A Royal Heffernan. 9-4 favourite, Saturday!

Dead fucking cert. Owner's got a mint riding on it.

They'll soon cough up the ransom to get him back, though!

And because you didn't pitch in, now you don't see any of the wedge.

-I've got my own plans. -Course you have.

Chip off the old block, eh?

I'm gonna run him in some other races while I've got him, aren't I?

Make it even more cash.

No one will even recognise him.

Really?

-Yep. -[horse whinnies]

Kidnap a jockey as well, then, have you?

[suspenseful music]

[grunts, panting]

It's like she's some fucking changeling or something.

[Norma] One minute it's all,

"I'll have your stir-fry on the table when you get back from Stuttgart,"

and the next, dust.

She wouldn't even talk to us, the mad bitch.

Oh, but I love her.

So... what do you think happened, then?

Well, it's obvious, isn't it?

Richard and bastard Judy.

I told her not to watch that crap!

Some Christian wanker banging on about family.

We're the victims in this, Sheila. Me and her.

Fucking patriarchal, hegemony pissing all over us.

So, you don't think she's back for them, then?

Sheila, she had some, um, past life regression last solstice.

Came back saying the kids weren't even hers.

Belong to some fucking witch in the 14th century.

But she stood on a lay line and sent the kids to the wrong womb.

Course she's not back for them.

But she's still a lesbian though?

Yeah, course she is, you daft bitch. [farting]

I mean, yeah, we may not have had sex in the past eight months, like, but...

well, you don't go back and forward, do ya?

-No sex? -Hang on a minute, Sheila.

I can't do two things at once here. [farting]

Ah!

Hey, Sheila? You got any more bog roll?

She... Sheila!

[front door bangs]

-[Norma screaming] Fucking privates! -[Franks screams]

Pervert!

Who is it then? Peters and Lee?

It is Kevin and Veronica.

I was gonna say, I didn't know they put Peters and Lee in prison.

Mind you. 'Welcome Home' weren't much of a song, was it?

That "Rainy Days and Mondays" were better.

-That weren't Peters and Lee, though. -Do you mind?

My daughter's been incarcerated.

She's not exactly Nelson fucking Mandela, Carol.

Thank you.

She was trying to steal a baby.

She was paying for it.

What? With the money that she'd stole from everyone around 'ere?

Can't see you getting many fucking takers.

I'm only doing what any mother would do.

I've got to do something.

[weeping] Even if it's just widow's mites.

-I'll have a T-shirt, Carol. -[Carol crying]

[cries, laughs]

Out of my pension.

I just thought, now that we're friends, we could go shopping together.

Sorry, Sheil. I'm too busy here.

I could babysit the twins for you at yours, if you like.

No, it's just I need to get some new stuff.

And I thought... [sighs]

since we like the same drink,

maybe we have the same taste in clothes.

I mean... you could give me a second opinion.

[Sheila] We could have a nice girly day out.

-I could do the washing up, Mum. -[Sheila] Oh!

[Monica exhales]

[door opens]

[door closes]

See this? Ned Kelly. Proper Irish hero.

Morning, can I help yous officers?

-[stammers] We were just-- -A racehorse has been stolen.

And we wanna know if you've seen anything.

No.

Haven't seen anything.

Jamie! Have you met Jamie, my eldest?

Have you seen anything?

Not so's I recall.

Shane, have you seen a racehorse around these parts?

I ain't seen shit.

Sorry, can't help you. We haven't seen anything.

If we do, we'll let you know.

Right. Obliged.

And very nice to meet ya!

-What are you doing? -Different horse. Hasn't got white socks.

[indistinct chatter]

Yeah, see, I just need to know--

[man] There's a queuing system.

So, get yourself a ticket, take a seat, yeah?

[Carl] You're Jamie Maguire, aren't ya?

-Who did you kill? -Fuck off, will ya?

[Carl] I've killed a man.

-No, you haven't. -I have.

I shot him.

And his head fell off.

Well, good for you.

So, you come to have a pop at me, then, have ya?

Come to prove yourself to the hard man.

Well, come on then, if you want some.

Do you want some?

[anticipatory music]

All right.

Yes, what can I get ya?

Pint of lager...

And, uh, any chance of a job going?

-[Jez] Uh... Job? -A Job?

-That's right. -Here?

This is your pub, innit?

Right, right. And, um, how much will you want paying for that?

Whatever the going rate is.

I dunno.

Well, make me an offer, then.

-What do you pay for a protection racket? -How the fuck should I know?

How about 80?

A week?

A day?

-Eighty a day? -Mmm...

All right. Is there a room with the job?

A room?

Yeah.

-What you doing? That is my room. -Yeah, but you're fired.

What?

-All right, I shagged the delivery guy. -It's not that, it's him.

[ominous music]

-[man] Next! -[machine beeps]

[mumbles] Oh, Christ.

[Frank] Right, so...

All I need, see, is a divorce.

I was hoping that, you could, you know,

tell me which way you do it, if, you know, you don't want her to know.

"Her" being?

The wife.

My ex-wife.

Y'know, soon to be. [chuckles]

Next!

[machine beeps]

[Sheila] It's difficult, isn't it, as you get older?

You don't know what to wear. I mean...

You want to look sexy, but you

don't wanna end up looking like you charge a fiver for a hand job. [chuckles]

Or is it the same for, I don't know, you know, lesbians? I mean...

What age do you stop wearing cargo pants? Or...

Or don't ya?

Dunno. I never have.

I prefer something more feminine.

Oh! What, like these?

Look.

I mean, you can never have enough lingerie, can ya?

It's like what they say, you can never be too rich or too thin.

Except for that Posh Spice. She is, isn't she?

And she's dipped in wood stain.

Looks lovely on you.

Let's try some on! Come on! [Sheila exclaims excitedly]

[Sheila] So, Monica, what kind of women do you like?

Oh! No!

Let's sit out here, shall we? The small ones are a bit claustrophobic.

I thought you were agoraphobic.

Well, agoraphobic, claustrophobic.

Anything you like, really.

Illness poker, me. Raise me one, if you like.

Oh, God!

What are you doing, Sheila?

D'you want me to help you, Monica? I know you want me to help you. don't you?

I've got very big breasts! [exclaiming excitedly]

It's every woman's fantasy. Lesbianism!

-Get off! -[Sheila] I know it's mine.

-Get off me! -We're all bisexual, aren't we?

Are you bisexual, Monica?

Or are you just gay? [screams]

[Sheila gasps] Sorry...

It's not my sexuality that's in question. Did Frank put you up to this?

I just want to know if you want him! If that's why you've come back!

-[Monica] Get it off! Get off! [screams] -[Sheila] Monica! [screams]

-Good God! They're on drugs. -[women gasp]

[Monica, Sheila screaming]

-[alarm beeping] -[Monica] Get off!

[security guard] All right. That's enough!

[Monica, Sheila screaming]

[kids screaming, playing indistinctly]

If you want the horse back alive get 20,000 ready in used notes.

[horse owner] Who is this?

Fuckin' knifeman, that's who!

-[electric knife buzzes] -[Shane] Can you hear that?

-[horse owner] Okay, calm down. -[Shane] And if you call the pigs again,

you'll have Royal Heffernan's head on yer pillow,

first thing in the fucking...

For fuck's sake, Jamie!

-[horse owner] Jamie? Jamie who? -You stupid fuckin' prick, Shane!

-What did you say his name for? -[Mimi] Don't upset your brother, Shane.

You know how gets when he's angry.

Well, why don't you fucking make him do summat, then,

-instead of hanging around pub? -Don't bother!

I'm moving out!

So, that's what you were after all along, was it?

When you asked me out?

Make a pass at me?

I just... [sighs]

I just wanted to know if you were still a lesbian.

-[Monica sighs] -[Sheila] I'm sorry.

It's just I know what a hold you used have over Frank and...

I got scared.

Can see why he's with you.

Lovely figure.

Good cook.

City and Guilds.

Grade 1.

Don't think I'd even know how to be with a man any more.

Wouldn't know what to do!

It's like riding a bike. You never forget.

I don't think I was very good in the first place.

Frank and me, well...

It's easy, just give 'em a blow-job. They do anything for one of those.

Really?

The trick is to hum while you're doing it.

Makes it vibrate more.

Tell you the truth, I found that out by accident

when I was humming the theme tune to Ready Steady Cook.

Frank went off like a rocket.

"1812 Overture" is the best, though. Tchaikovsky.

It's all those cannons.

Frank'd do anything for those cannons.

So, you never said, are you...

Are you still a lesbian, then?

I've only ever wanted one woman.

That's Norma.

Oh!

What's the point of you crackpot, f'kin Mormon God-freaks then?

Polygamy was the one fucking good idea you had.

Bunch of Ken dolls.

Hey, and I'm gonna burn me Donny Osmond albums an' all!

[Stan] Right, so...

Huh?

What the hell are they doing in here?

[Carol] Oh, me feet!

I've been around the estate twice for old coppers.

And me.

Think you've got problems?

[Carol] Oh, do us a favour Lillian. Get me a drink in.

[Lillian] Oh, what she like?

["Bad Day" by Daniel Powter playing] ♪ I don't need no carrying on... ♪

[Paddy] I don't understand. What the fuck's he playing at?

He's got his reasons. He'll tell us when he's ready.

♪ You say you don't know You tell me don't lie ♪

All right, you lot, that's your time, please!

[punter] What's going on here now?

Where's the fuck you been? Not till twelve!

I mean, it's just that we can open later now, than, than before.

It's all right, everybody. It's just a mistake.

We're open till 12!

Oi! Sit back down!

So, have you got everything you need, have you?

Uh, yeah. Good night.

Good night.

Why don't you get him dancing girls an' all?

Karen, he's mutilated people. What do you want me to do?

Grow a spine?

Hey, I'm not having that. All right, it's your choice.

You can share with me, or you can share with him.

[door creaking]

[ominous anticipatory music]

Jamie?

What, what d'you want?

[Jamie moans]

[Jamie moans]

[sighs with relief]

[clicking tongue]

Oh, where the fuck?

She actually said she wanted to get back with Norma?

Ah! She might as well have done.

It's... it's just gone stale.

You can tell.

[huffs] Norma not making an effort,

Monica frustrated, taking out her anger.

You know what it's like.

Been together for a while, first casualty's cunnilingus.

Well, you will.

[orgasmic-like moaning]

She wants to go home with Norma,

I know she does.

[sighs]

[gasps] Bring the Fuzzaway. We might need it.

[orgasmic-like moaning]

'Ere, horsey, horsey!

Have you seen an 'orse?

-[kid] An 'orse? -Yes, a fucking horse.

About that big. You can't miss it.

Forget it.

Royal Heffernan! Royee!

Gypo!

-Fuck off! -[kid] Leg it!

Argh! I'm not conforming to this shite, Sheila.

It's just society scared of real women and our hairy bits.

-[Sheila giggles] -Wanting us to look like kids.

Yeah, but sometimes, Norma,

it's just making the gesture, that's all it takes.

It's like chilli con carne. If you lose the garnish,

all of civilisation crumbles.

She's gotta remember you're attractive to other women, that's all.

Well, look.

-Says here, "Lack creates desire and--" -[Norma] Hey, hey, ow!

If that's that Freud pillock I'm not having it!

Fuckin' going on about chicks wanting dicks.

Fuck's he on?

It's Jade Goody in Hello.

[Sheila] Yeah, but we all need a boost now and again.

Freshen ourselves up.

Are you saying I smell?

No! [laughs nervously]

No, of course not, Norma.

Well, you do a bit.

Anyway.

You should have a soak in there for a minute, and...

get you a glass of dry Italian.

-There you go. -Cheers.

Come on.

-[Norma hums a song] -[Sheila chuckles]

["Bang Bang by BA Anderson playing] ♪ ...Vampire friends desire to lust ♪

♪ Fang Fang... ♪

-[coins rattling] -Bloody Nora.

Well, don't look at me. I didn't put owt in it.

How the fuck do you lose a bleedin' horse?

I don't know. I think someone's nicked it.

It weren't my fault.

Jesus Christ alive!

♪ Bang bang ♪

-[sighs] -There you go.

Fuck d'you want?

Well, I thought a round on the house can't hurt, can it?

Cut the fucking shite. What d'you want?

Well, look, the thing is, Mimi...

your Jamie and this, uh, this job he's doing...

and I don't know what it is, but please,

this pub is my life and if the brewery get wind of it, I'm sunk.

I'll give you free drinks for life, whatever!

-Just, please, speak to him-- -My Jamie does what he likes,

where he likes.

Hey, Jamie, you just carry on, lad,

with whatever job it is you're doing from here.

We're right behind ya.

I'm not running a job.

Not from here, not from anywhere.

I'm going straight.

That's why I took the 'orse back to its owner.

You fuckin' what?

[thud]

Now, has anybody else got a problem with that?

[sniffles] Cock.

You see, Black Forest gateau's got a terrible reputation,

but it's actually a very sensual cake.

Rustic, invented in the 1930s.

Well, sounds lovely, Sheila.

And Monica loves chocolate. She told me.

It's one of the things that Norma won't let her have.

Which is very short-sighted of her, cos it's actually an aphrodisiac.

[chuckles] You wait till she gets her hands on this,

there'll be no holding her back, the dirty bitch.

Oh, and it's a very evocative name for lesbians.

Unless she waxes...

Come on. Let's get this over there.

[Sheila exhales excitedly]

[dramatic music]

Oh!

Norma?

You all right, Bird?

Dinner is served.

Come on.

You look nice, Norma.

You've even got lipstick on.

Eh... It's a...

It's "Fanny Pink".

Debbie gave it me.

It's "Fancy Pink".

I told you need glasses.

You told me you loved me.

So...

What happened, Bird?

Can't we sort this out?

-Keep the change. -Cheers, mate.

-So he's really going straight then? -Apparently.

Great! Then I can have me job back.

Oi! You only got me job because people are too scared of ya.

Karen!

-So, this was -My job, and now I want it back!

Hang on a minute! I have some say in this, it is my pub

and there's been no trouble in here since he started!

-Jez! -So, why don't you share it?

Half the week each.

That's me final offer.

[patron] Same, again, Ian.

[song playing in background]

You're still a fuckin' perv!

You what?

You came into Jez's room last night

and you started getting off with me dress.

Was I sleep walkin'?

Look, I sleep walk.

Dunno what you were doing, but you were bollock naked

and you were groping my dress.

So, you saw me?

Course I did.

Well, how much did you see?

Everything.

In detail, close up.

Who's pervin' now, eh?

Oh, there's no community spirit anymore.

It's every man for himself, innit?

I should have known nobody would give anything.

Can I have me pension back then?

I've given it to a kiddies charity!

Oh, what are you like.

[Sheila breathes heavily] What's happening?

They're holding hands.

-Are you sure? -[Liam] Yeah.

[panting with relief]

There's a cherry on the top.

Norm,

the one thing that you can't give me

is what I need.

Me babies.

So, it's, it's really them, then?

I've told ya!

Well, all right.

[stutters] If that's what it's about, I'll have a baby for ya!

-[Monica chuckles] -I mean, I'm not fucking any bloke, mind.

We'll have to, um... get a donation, but if that's what it takes,

I'm there.

You'd do that for me?

I'd do anything for you.

Please, please, please come back to me.

Oh, Norm.

D'you really love me that much?

[crying]

Well?

[sniffles]

[Monica cries]

I need the loo.

[mouths] C'mon.

[Debbie] So, what's she said?

[Norma] She's thinking about it.

I've offered her a baby.

-A baby? -That's what I've promised

if she'll come back.

But, might have to get someone else to do it, though.

How do two women...

Turkey baster!

[Monica tuts] Oh, Frank.

I'm so confused.

Norma's offered me a baby.

I don't know what to do.

Well, it's..

I mean, supposing it's all just words and...

It all just gets tired again and...

I end up... feeling trapped.

Oh, Frank.

I need a hug.

Oh. Oh.

[Frank grunts]

[Monica] Oh!

[Monica starts to hum a song]

[humming louder]

-So, you get a turkey baster and you... -Is that singing?

[muffled humming]

I can't hear anything.

[muffled moaning]

[muffled moans intensifies]

[muffled screams]

[grunts]

[both panting]

Where's, where's the fucking remote?

Oh, no, it's all right. You don't have to go.

I'm sorry, Norma. I can't do it.

It's my babies here I need.

What are you talking about?

I'm not coming back, Norm.

And I am sorry to you three an' all, you went to so much trouble.

Food was lovely, though.

It's all right.

I understand.

[knock at door]

Here.

Cheers.

So, what are you gonna do now? Are you gonna go home?

Nah...

she'll come round.

She's just not thinking straight.

She doesn't realise that she can have me as well as you lot.

But she will and when she does, I'll be here. Waitin'.

You can use the inside toilets from now on if you want to.

Thanks.

Electricity 40 pound a quarter. and I'll get you your rent book.

Hey?

We have to find a way of getting shot of her. We just have to...

Sheila, will you...

Not fighting her anymore, Frank.

If she wants her babies she's entitled to that.

Yeah, but, Sheila...

It's too exhausting, hate.

Anyway, the best woman's won.

I'm married to you now, there's nothing she can do about that.

And if you love someone, set them free.

I'm setting you free, Frank.

[breathes heavily] I'm trusting ya.

[Frank] Hey. Hey.

Hey! What you doing?

There's too much sunlight yesterday.

I'm feeling a bit insidey-outsidey.

Thought I'd make these for myself.

[Frank] Squidgy-gate. Camilla-gate. Watergate.

Gareth Gates. I mean, what's it all about, eh?

All these private, you know, secrets?

And what good does it do, eh, to let them out?

All you get's a load of... heartache and misery.

And what you don't know can't hurt you, that's what I say.

Ignorance is bliss.

Plus, it must be true. I mean, look at George Bush.

Thick as fuckin' shit, yet he smiles enough, doesn't he?

-You've got to choose. -Why?

You have to choose Sheila. She's the best thing about ya.

[Frank] I demand the freedom not to choose!

It's a fucking hand!

Shit!

[Carl] I've got a big cock.

Of course you have, you took after me.

You're not a vegetarian and you're not a lesbian,

and you're having sex with my Frank.

[Sheila screams]

[screams] Sheila!

[western movie music]

Yee-haa!