Original subtitles

[intro music]

[Frank] Now, nobody's saying the Chatsworth Estate

is the Garden of Eden, but it's been a good home to us,

to me, Frank Gallagher, and me kids, who I'm proud of,

cos every single one of 'em reminds me a little of me.

See, they can all think for themselves, which they've got me to thank for.

[Lip] Quick, leg it!

[Frank] Lip, who's a bit of a gobshite,

which is why nobody calls him Philip anymore.

Ian, lot like his mam, which is handy for the others,

cos she's disappeared into thin air.

And Carl.

We daren't let him grow his hair for two reasons.

One, it makes it stand on end and makes him look like Toyah.

Two, nits love him.

Debbie, sent by God, total angel.

You've to check your change,

but she'll go miles out of her way to do you a favour.

Plus lickle Liam, who's gonna be a star some day.

Sheila, me bird.

Couldn't be happier. One plate short of a full set, like.

And fantastic neighbours. Kev and Veronica, lend ya anything.

Well, almost anything.

Carol and Marty, the lodgers from hell.

Last of the lonely hearts and a psychologist's wet dream.

Still, nobody's perfect.

But all of 'em to a man know first and foremost

one of the most vital necessities in life is they know how to throw a party!

Scatter!

[upbeat music]

[Debbie] The thing about surprises is they're better to give than to receive.

Like 18th birthday parties. The fun part is the planning.

You get to make the list, tick things off, delegate jobs and be in charge.

While the other person you're doing it for just has to pretend they haven't noticed.

Which of course they always have.

-Debs! -Cos everyone's acting so weird.

[upbeat music continues]

See ya later.

Come on.

Carl!

Who's put that there?

[all laugh]

[Carl] Who puts a fucking pizza on a seat?

[Debbie] The real surprise in life, though,

you never get any warning about.

[in panic] Oh!

[fire roaring]

Shit!

What the... ?

[grunting]

Oh! Fucking hell!

-[slams] -[screams]

[groaning]

[dog barks]

[dog grunts]

[coughs]

[dog crying]

[paramedic] Is there a next of kin?

[nurse] There are two listed here, both wives, which one should I call?

[paramedic] Whichever one bloody answers!

So, where's me present, then?

You'll have to wait till tomorrow, down the Trafford Centre.

Should I be worried?

[western movie music]

-Guys! -Shit!

[music intensifies]

[Mandy] Dad, Mum, over here.

Happy birthday, Philip.

Here's my baby!

Aw, I knew you'd miss me! [kiss]

Take it, then.

Thanks, Paddy.

[Paddy] You're welcome.

So...

You're a grown man now, Philip.

You've come of age.

And with that comes responsibility.

A knuckle duster.

Shane, Micky...

Come on, then.

Bring the box.

What the fuck you doing?

A little birthday treat. Our way of saying welcome to the clan.

-No! -Go on! Give him one!

You're joking! I'm not hitting some random bloke!

-He owes us money, don't you? -What?

Which means he owes you, Philip.

You what?

I haven't exactly noticed you turning into Rockafella lately.

And if you're gonna swan about, sponging off me,

there's some jobs I want doing.

Right.

[giggles]

[anxious breathing]

[groans]

-[Lip] Give her to me! -[Mimi] What?

She's my daughter. I'll support her.

Her and Mandy. And I don't need help from you, Paddy!

Fine. Not another penny from us. See how long you last.

A lifetime!

-[Paddy] Mandy? -I'm with Lip, Dad.

Leave it!

There's more than one way to skin a cunt.

[Lillian ] I was just saying, Patrick.

Hasn't little Katie got Frank's eyes?

-What's going on? -I don't know.

Nothing to see here. Just some drunk who set fire to his dinner.

-Is he...? -He's our dad.

He'll be fine.

[fireman] Live another day to waste our time.

You might wanna give him this.

Come on, Liam.

Just through here, Mrs. Gallagher.

[thrilling sound]

We've given him some fluids, pumped his stomach.

And a rabies jab for the dog bites.

Quite a night he's had.

[suspenseful music]

[romantic music]

[upbeat music]

[tapping]

Oi!

Open the fucking door!

Kev?

Kev! Veronica!

-There's no answer. -They're still not back, Yvonne,

and there's 12 bottles of milk there.

Where the hell are they?

Booze run don't take this long.

Look, I've told you! I don't know where they are!

Ow!

All Marty said was they were going abroad and that they were sharing the driving.

Well, I lent 'em 200 quid.

And now I find out they've had 20 off of Lillian an all.

And 500 off Jez.

[Carol] Oh, God!

If they've done a runner, I'll have to move!

They haven't done a runner!

Look, if Kev and Veronica were doing a moonlight flit,

they wouldn't take Marty with 'em, would they?

No! See?

So they'll be back.

By... tonight, I think they said.

They promised me.

And they promised me I'd have me money back last week.

Three biggest lies, eh?

Big is beautiful, your cheque's in the post,

and I won't come in your fucking mouth!

God! Women, eh?

All is darkness without you till you get a ring on their finger.

Then they can't stand by you in your hour of need.

You set fire to your dinner, Frank!

Be thankful she's there the rest of the time.

Oh! How silly of me to think someone cares!

But the fact is,

your mother would rather do a Latticework Pastries Of Denmark course

than save me from the flames.

You should be on the stage.

Same again please, Jez.

All right, love.

You're covered in sick!

Son, you're ugly, but tomorrow I shall be clean!

-Happy birthday, Lip. -Oh! Thanks, Jez!

So what did you get him then, Frank?

BMW?

What I give my kiddies, money can't buy.

That's handy.

-Oh, right! '89! -CD from the year you were born.

-Shall we put it on? -Yeah, why not?

Cheers, Jez.

We nearly lost you in the womb, Philip.

Yeah...

Monica nigh on miscarried

when Margaret "fuck you up the arse" Thatcher fucked us up the arse

by getting in for an "historic third term."

Thank fuck ecstasy turned up.

Happy Mondays indeed!

That's not right, Frank.

She couldn't have been pregnant at election time. That were '87.

-Look, Lillian, love, do you not think--? - Allow me the dream, 1987,

that were my Brendan's 40th,

but we had to cancel the party, we were depressed.

So we went to Brighton instead, great big hurricane,

Brendan got hit with a flying beach hut.

Terrible year.

Oh, that's right! Cos you were born in '88.

[ominous music]

Cos... we registered you a year after!

Cos we were going to do it,

but...

But?

We ended up in Ladbrokes! Big win!

[Frank laughs]

Happy days.

Yeah, we went out, got wankered.

Think Monica left you on a bus.

So, you're saying I were born in '88?

You having a fuckin' laugh?

That means I'm 19!

18, 19, whatever!

Whatever?

That's my fucking life!

That means I went to school a year late! It means I were 18 a year ago!

[Frank] Happy birthday for last year, then.

[pop-rock music playing]

-Mandy, Mandy... -He's coming, Debbie!

[Debbie] Ok, quick then!

[turns off music]

[all] Happy birthday!

[clapping and cheering]

[Debbie] Ta-da!

Sorry about the cake, Sheila's one got melted in the fire.

Thanks to Dad.

Don't worry about it! It's great.

[Monica] Go on then! Make a wish!

[suspenseful music]

-Mum? -Happy birthday!

-[Monica chuckles] -[Carl] what are you doing here?

Well, I'm not gonna miss Lip's 19th birthday, am I? [chuckles]

Happy birthday, darling!

Well, you missed Fiona's. You always miss 'em.

You never even send a card.

Yeah, well that was the past. I'm here now. So happy birthday!

Someone going to get us a drink? [turns on pop music]

Yeah, I'll go and get it now.

[Monica] Thanks!

Er, Mum.

This is Mandy.

Oh, all right, Mandy?

-Have you got him a present, then? -Oh, yeah!

I've got you all presents.

This is for Debbie and this is for Carl.

-Oh, yeah, and this is for Liam. -Where's Norma?

Well, I'm not gonna bring Norma, am I?

Well, you usually do.

She is your girlfriend.

We're not joined at the hip, Debbie.

Go on then! Open your prezzies.

Here, Mum.

Oh, ta, love.

[suspenseful music]

You can cut the act now, Mum.

Norma's thrown you out, hasn't she?

No.

Oh, yeah? Then why is all your stuff outside?

You've not come back for Lip's birthday at all!

Not just that, no, Debbie, but Norma hasn't thrown me out.

I've left her.

I've come back.

To be with my babies!

For good.

[suspenseful music]

Debbie, we can't kick her out. It's still technically her house.

She can't just come back whenever she feels like it.

She hasn't even said sorry.

Well, I'm glad she's back.

She'll just take over and she won't pay her own way.

Will you just tell her that it's not a hotel?

I can't, Debs.

You're just gonna have to ignore her. Hopefully she'll fuck off soon.

I'm not going to deny Katie a grandma. I'm sorry.

Wicked!

Fuck! Shit!

Oops!

Oh, no!

Oh!

What you doing, Debs?

[Monica weeps and sighs]

[reporter reading the news on TV]

Oh, my god, no!

Quick, you lot, come and have a look at this!

Lip!

On the telly! Look!

[reporter] Good evening.

Kevin and Veronica Ball from Manchester were arrested in Bucharest yesterday

after trying to buy a baby from a Romanian orphanage.

Shit!

Veronica!

Stephanie Williams is with the Foreign Office official outside court in Bucharest

who is awaiting the couple's arrival.

[woman] Can you tell us the situation regarding the English couple this morning?

We at the Foreign Office are doing everything in our power

to get the two British nationals extradited,

and we believe there's every hope of success.

[Veronica] Watch it! Get off me!

Get off me! [Veronica screams]

[groans]

[Lip] Oof! Come on, V!

Cool!

[screaming in Romanian] -[Kevin] She didn't mean that! V!

-[Veronica screams] -[Kevin] Hey, we're innocent!

Get off her!

[muffled screams]

Er, on the other hand, I think they could be looking at six years.

He's my son!

We paid good money for him!

Fucking hell, Kev!

Looks like the end of my money, then.

Hey, neither a lender nor borrower be, Jez.

Is there any chance of getting another drink?

Oh, my god. I don't believe it. Me own daughter, a criminal!

Sue, did you know owt about this?

They made me promise not to say.

And what happens to Marty?

Oh, God! What've they done?

And these are your neighbours?

[metallic objects falling]

What now?

What the...?

What d'you think you're doing? This is my daughter's house!

Bit slow off the mark, aren't you? You wanna get yourself Sky News.

We heard about this house going at six o'clock this morning.

-You what? -Hey! You should be made up.

Council could've had any riffraff in here.

-Hey, Paddy! -What?

You can't do this!

This is Kev and Veronica's stuff!

Well, they're in fucking jail, darling!

Look, Paddy,

you can't just start taking over the place.

-You tell him, Lip! -Who's gonna stop me, Mr. Tough Guy? You?

-I'm Monica, Lip's mum. -Cos the thing is...

when my wee Mandy gets sick and tired of being cramped in there with you lot,

she's got somewhere else to go.

Handy, Katie's grandparents being right next door, isn't it?

Blinding bit of luck.

Oh, so that's what all this is about!

You just wanna be here, breathing down our necks.

Watching as you fail.

Looking after our own.

[Carol squeals]

Oh, the leopard coat, where is it?

I haven't thrown that out yet.

Oh, well, it wouldn't fit you, would it?

Oh, well, you can wear it, then.

On yer face.

You're never out the bog these days.

Yeah, well, they said thyroid can make you go a bit.

Come on, Jez, you're about to pop, I'm not that thick.

Right, not a word to anyone or you're dead meat.

And how long do you think you can keep that a secret for?

I've managed for seven months.

Couple of tents upstairs.

So, you let a bloke--

Did I fuck!

The only thing got spunked was a huge wad of cash.

They're a nice couple, can't have their own.

Earn while I earn.

Good bracket, this surrogacy business.

Eh, top tip: Free dental care.

Might get me bridge done.

You should start with your brain!

Up. Two more. Nearly. [Mimi laughs]

What are you doing, you soft thing? [Paddy shushing]

-[Paddy] Come on. -[Mimi laughs]

Nearly there, nearly there.

Forward, forward, forward, forward, forward, stop.

[Mimi laughs]

[both laughing]

[Paddy] One more step.

There we go.

-Ta-da! -Oh, Paddy! I don't believe it!

I thought we'd celebrate our new home in style.

[Mimi laughs]

You, you would not keep your clothes on.

Straight on the floor and then slapping your nappies up against the wall.

What was I like?

You were no trouble.

No, Liam was the difficult one.

Had terrible postnatal depression, and... well, your dad was no help.

Just took all me pills.

Left me in total misery.

Debs, I'm hungry.

Get Mum to make you some breakfast then.

It's no problem.

Have to be veggie, though, cos I don't touch meat.

I don't mind.

Let's see what we've got.

Morning, Mandy, Lip.

-Cup of tea? -Yeah.

Thanks.

Pass me the sick bucket.

[Monica sighs]

-I heard that, Debbie. -Good.

She's right though, Mum.

We deserve an explanation.

Why are you back?

Look, I know this is going to take a little bit of time

to work through and...

[balloon exploding]

You've had six years.

And four months.

Look, this has been very difficult for me. Very traumatic.

It's been torture for me, having to leave you lot and then moving to Moston

and rattling around inside that great big house when I was used to kids and...

mess and noise and...

Anyway, if you love someone,

you forgive them, don't you?

It's all right, Debbie. I know it might take you a little bit longer.

Do you want to go shopping?

[dramatic music]

Hello?

And how is my little princess this morning?

All the better for seeing you.

[Paddy giggles]

[sighing]

Now then,

what do you think to a full-mirrored ceiling?

Fabulous.

As long as you're on top.

[both laugh]

Put your tea down!

[laughing and kissing]

[plate clattering]

What the fuck do you want? You're supposed to be on a job.

Breakfast.

[Monica humming a tune]

Don't you wish Your girlfriend was hot like me?

Couldn't we just kill her? That'd get rid of her.

Yeah, lead pipe, rope or candlestick? Keep an eye out!

[Monica humming]

Oh!

Debbie?

What are you doing?

Oh! Well, for your information, Debbie, Norma isn't at home.

She's actually driving a lorry to Germany, and she doesn't have a mobile.

Thinks they make you infertile!

Now listen, love.

I know you've been a bit funny with me,

but really we do have to learn to get along.

How did Norma take it? You leaving?

Naturally, she was very upset, but she's had to learn to accept it.

What were you rowing about?

Everything.

She's always going on...

Actually, Debbie, I don't really want to get into it.

But it's very painful, having to leave somebody.

Just be thankful that you're too young to know.

Right...

I think I'd better ring a plumber.

Good to see you made it to Lip's party, then.

Last night Mum managed.

[laughing] Fuck off!

Here for good, apparently.

She's come home.

[suspenseful music]

Monica?

Back here?

Ah, you can show her your wedding photos, Frank.

Cos what I've heard off Kev, she'd be very interested in those,

seeing she's still married to you.

Yeah, all right. Just get us another pint and a couple of these, Jez.

-You alright? -[Lip mumbles]

[Mandy] We're running up late.

This had better be a quick one before shopping.

[Frank] Debbie, Debbie.

-What the fuck does your mother want? -[Debbie] I don't know.

But she's up to summat.

Jez? Any chance I can use your CB radio?

[on the walkie-talkie] Breaker, breaker.

This is Jockey Bird calling Big Beaver, do you copy?

Hey, Jockey Bird.

Long time!

Hey, you'll have to speak up, me ballet dancer's broken. Over.

Some buddy boy blow your doors off, did he?

-[Norma] Hah, hah! -Jez!

Big Beaver, I've got an ankle biter here that wants a yapper in your big hole and--

Norma, it's Debbie.

Hey! No first-personal, breaker. They're reading all my mail here.

Mum's back. She said she's staying.

Did you throw her out?

Over.

Did I fuck!

She's gone nowhere, you cheeky little...

Hey, you're making this up.

My Mon's at the base station where I left her. Ten-four.

That's a negative, Big Beaver. Ankle Biter's straight up.

Your good buddy Beaver's returned

to the Village of the Damned and Alligator Radio.

I think she needs you to fight for her, Norma.

I'll put some motion lotion in me pickle park

and stand on the hammer of my triple digit ride for the fastest ever flip flop.

Out.

She's coming home.

Hey, what you doing, you cheeky bastard?

- [Frank] What? -Mum, two o'clock.

Have you seen your dad?

Why do you want him?

Don't matter. It'll keep.

He'll be in soon enough.

We'll just have to wait here, won't we, Katie?

What are you having?

Erm, I'll have a juice. Pineapple.

With vodka in it, thanks.

-Double? -Yeah, why not?

Ooh, look at you!

It's nice.

Yeah. But we need to talk.

What's all this about, eh?

Unless you've been and robbed a bank, there's no way we can afford this.

No, you're right, we can't.

It's always been my fantasy to shag a man in a suit.

-Happy birthday! -Thanks.

-[baby crying in the other room] -[Sue sighs]

Sue! Sue!

Can you fuck off downstairs for an hour?

15 minutes is enough.

Who's he?

Plumber. Oh, I need some comfort, Sue.

My daughter's in prison. I'm a broken woman.

You think sharing a room with 'Tutankhamun Does Deep Throat' is making my day?

Why not you stay, too?

Ugh!

[Carol groans]

Is this where you keep your little stopcock?

Up your arse!

Marty! Oh, Marty! Thank God!

I've got something for you.

[suspenseful music]

Kev set it up on the Internet. So, we drove over,

but as soon as we handed the money to the orphanage owner, we got raided.

Shit!

Veronica grabbed the baby and stuffed him in the car with me,

but the cops grabbed 'em.

Veronica was yelling, "Drive." Fuck off! "Fucking drive", so I did!

I drove off and left 'em. Fucking turncoat!

You would've been nicked if you hadn't.

I didn't know what to do.

I was too scared to drive the car back so I hitched.

Fuck it!

[baby crying]

Stolen baby!

[car tires screeching]

[baby crying]

Fuck it!

[baby crying]

-When did you last sleep, Marty? -Dunno.

[Marty] Why won't he stop crying?

I haven't hurt him, have I?

So what are you gonna do? Are you gonna keep it?

-Course not. -I want to.

[behind the door] Debbie?

[Monica] What's going on with all that crying?

It's Katie.

She doesn't like having strangers in the house.

I am not a stranger, Debbie.

And I do not appreciate you putting my cashmere jumper on a boil wash!

Is that not what it goes on?

I don't know how much longer I can put up with this, Debbie.

He's stopped crying.

He likes you.

-No, he doesn't! -Yeah, he does! Look.

See?

He wants you to be his mum. [chuckles]

Marty! You're being insane!

[suspenseful music]

All right, Frank?

Monica!

We've got some catching up to do.

Who'd have thought it eh, Frank?

Little Lip, 19, you and me grandparents...

We don't seem old enough, do we?

He's had it easy, though, in't he?

I mean kids these days, they don't know they're born.

When I was Lip's age, I'd done time, got crabs,

knocked up six girls, fought off bailiffs.

Not many kids these days can say that, can they?

Remember when we met, Frank?

1979. Wicked year.

They had you in four times.

God, like it was yesterday.

Thought you'd stood me up,

thought you weren't interested.

Me? No, course I was!

Then I proposed to you. Outside Aytoun dole office.

Thought I was up the duff.

Never thought you'd say yes,

but you did.

And we got married.

So, have the kids said anything to you about, you know, eh,

Sheila and me

-Sheila? -Yeah.

What sort of thing?

-I do! -[people cheering]

I never got the divorce through from Monica in the end,

so it's not legal anyway.

Anyway, I better go and get the twins from Debbie.

Don't want to take advantage.

Actually, Frank, I think I'll come with you.

I'd like to see where you live properly.

Yeah, but the thing is, you know...

It's... [sighs] You know, Sheila, me girlfriend, she'll probably--

Yeah, but she's away doing a cookery course, isn't she?

Kids told me.

Well, yeah, but she just probably wouldn't in, in effect,

-but she-- -Come on.

See ya.

Sue, please!

We'd be a proper family.

[sighing] I don't know what that is, Marty!

We don't know anything about looking after a baby!

But we could learn.

And then there's the police, social services...

Look, Kev and Veronica bought him.

Someone else would.

You could sell him.

[Debbie] What, on eBay?

All right, leave him at maternity!

They'll take care of him.

You've got my number, Pawel.

[chuckling]

Ooh, what a man!

Big hands, he had, did you see? Saucy bugger!

Oh, my God, Marty!

Oh, thank the Good Lord!

-I've been beside meself! -[gibbering]

You've no idea what you've put me...

Tell me you didn't bring that back.

Yeah, I have. [gibbering] Your grandson.

He's no grandson of mine!

People will think I have foreign blood in me! [weeps]

You didn't seem to mind last night.

He's from Basingstoke!

Mum, I want to keep him. You'll help me, won't you?

Marty Fisher, you can't even keep a job!

And she's no better!

I'm not getting involved.

She's right. I'm sorry, Marty, but for once, me and your mum agree.

Sorry, Billy.

[car horn in distance]

Oh, Norma!

Someone to see you, Mum.

Norma.

-[Frank] Oh, well I'll... -[Norma] What d'you think you're doing?

What's all this about leaving me?

-Deb, twins? -Kitchen.

What're you doin' here?

Debbie got us on the CB.

-Obviously confused-- -I told you not to interfere!

Well, it's good job she did!

You've lost your bloody marbles, you have!

Hey, hey, is this about that lazy-eyed shelf stacker?

-You what? -The one you was flirting with in Iceland.

She was helping me reach the raspberry ripple!

Which is more than you were doing!

I've told you, that crap is full of e numbers.

I don't care! I wanted it!

I'm not a child, Norma!

I can decide for meself what I want!

All right, all right, we'll get you a fucking raspberry ripple!

And all the other shite you've been banging on about.

Don't blame me when you get polycystic ovaries.

[sighs]

[Norma] Right, now get your bag, you daft bint,

and hurry home.

I'm not coming home, Norma.

I'm staying with me family.

-What? -[Monica] I meant it.

God's spoken to me, sort of.

I've had an epiphany.

-Ugh! -[Debbie] No, Norma, don't listen!

She'll get you whatever you want.

Won't you, Norma?

You can't stay here anyway!

It's too cramped and we don't want you here!

Oh, that's right!

[yelling] Hate me!

Punish me forever for one fucking mistake!

I'm such a bad mother, aren't I? Such a bad fucking person! [sobbing]

Hey. It's all right. Calm down.

How can I, when she hates me!

And she runs circles round me, so I can't think straight.

She doesn't hate you, Mum.

None of us do.

[Norma] I don't understand what this is about.

Which one of you did this? I'll fucking have you!

Oh, for Christ's sake, Norma!

Nothing I do is ever good enough!

[sobbing]

And it's so hard, being gay.

[dramatic music]

You don't know how hard it is, Ian.

[Monica crying]

[Sue] It's the right thing to do, Marty.

On the way home, he kept shaking.

They all do it in the orphanage.

[baby babbles]

It's what they do when they've never had any love.

[baby sobbing]

[Sue] Euh!

[Marty] Leaky tit!

[knocking at the door] Open up in there, it's the police!

Oh, I'm not parked on a double yellow, am I?

We're looking for Marty Fisher!

[Sue] Marty!

[Marty] Come on, you tit!

Stan, what can we do for you?

PC Waterman to you, and don't you forget it.

-You what? -PC Waterman.

And this is my new PC, Tom O'Leary.

Well, where is he then?

Oh, I've not seen either of 'em for weeks, Stan, I'm out of me mind!

Yeah, well we've been tipped off that he's here with a stolen baby, so...

-What? -[Tom] We've had a call from Monica.

Where's Monica?

No, Stan!

[Lip] Sorry, PC Waterman. Not without a warrant.

Stay here. I'm going to get one.

Off the premises, if you don't mind.

[door slam]

You fucking tipped off the police!

What are you talking about?

I didn't even know there was a baby here!

Debbie?

Tell me you didn't.

No, she wouldn't, would you, Debs?

I thought if I pretended to be her...

[Lip] What the fuck are you playing at?

How could you do that?

Why do you think?

Because she is a bitch that abandoned us, but you don't seem to care about that!

She's going to do it again!

I thought,

if you thought it was her then you might make her leave!

[Debbie cries]

Well, don't look at me, it's not my fault!

Marty, you'll have to get out of here. Take him to maternity.

-I'll meet you later. -[Marty] Debbie?

[knocking at the door]

Debbie?

I'm sorry, Marty!

You're my friend and I've done something horrible!

It's OK.

it's OK.

I know you didn't mean it. Fucking bitch!

It'll be all right.

Marty, you're gonna have to go, mate.

It'll be all right.

[Debbie] Marty?

Don't abandon him.

Please.

[Lip] Marty, come on! Stan'll be back any minute.

[Carol sobbing] Oh, my children! Why is God punishing me?

It's all right, Carol.

We're not gonna throw you out just cos the rest of your family's gone.

See you later.

Ha! Gotcha!

-Don't need a warrant out here, do I? -Sue!

-Marty! -Sue!

Romanian coppers are on their way.

But it's not the baby they want! Pants on fire!

Oh, for Pete's sake! Is there not a WPC in here anywhere?

Who are you?

I'm the baby's mother. Can I have him please, Stan?

-What you talking about? -PC Waterman!

Yeah, PC. But you haven't got a baby, Sue!

What's this then, blow-up monkey?

Hello. Aw, come here. He's hungry.

He wants his mummy.

Is she lying?

She's lying, isn't she?

If that's your baby, then where's its birth certificate?

Here.

Oh! Sorry.

You don't think I'd do this if he wasn't mine, do you?

Suck a tit!

Now look, Sue. We know that baby's stolen so--

[Marty] No, he's not!

And even if he was, he's an orphan, so you can't send him back to...

I didn't know he was an orphan!

-That's not the point, PC O'Leary! -But it is.

I know what that's like.

I never even knew me mam and dad! It's fucking awful!

We can't send him back!

Please, Stan?

Piss in your tea!

Save the baby?

Well, it looks like we must've made a terrible mistake then.

[Marty and Sue chuckle]

[Marty] So, are we really gonna keep him, then?

[Sue] We have to do it properly though, Marty. I'm not living with your mum.

[Marty] Slag!

[Sue] And we need the proper stuff. I'm not slumming it.

We'll need a three-wheel baby buggy, proper car seat.

-We have to get a car first! -A nice one.

And I was thinking maybe then we could adopt another one.

-Hey? -Well,

child benefit's 70 a month, per child.

-[Sue] So... Ough! -[Marty] What's the matter?

[Sue] Nothing, just a bit of morning sickness I think.

So, if we had four, that would be 280.

[Marty gibbers]

-[Sue] If we had six, that would be... -[Marty] Say what you said before?

-Morning sickness. Ooh! -Does that mean me spunk works?

-[Sue laughs] Marty! -[Marty] I don't believe it!

What are you doing with her? Get out!

She's just brought her back, Lip. She had her for the afternoon.

She's my granddaughter.

You can't stop me from seeing her, it'd break me heart! I'm begging you.

It's not her fault you had a row with Paddy, is it?

Don't punish her for it.

Three visits a week. That's all I want.

You don't interfere though.

-[baby cries] -Hey, what's the matter?

What the fuck is that?

Sweet, isn't it?

[tattoo machine buzzing] [baby crying] [all] Ahhh!

I didn't tell her she could do it.

[reporter announcing the news on the TV]

Who was?

Sorry about that little interruption.

Ooh, dear!

Oh, yeah. Just some kids. Threw something through the letterbox.

Cunts!

No, they didn't. You set fire to your dinner.

-No! -They told me at the hospital.

They couldn't get hold of your wife, Sheila Gallagher.

So they had to get hold of your ex.

How do you think that made me feel, knowing that I'm still married to you?

I want you back, Frank.

-[phone rings] -[Frank sighs]

That's why I'm here. I want my old life back.

Let me just... This is...

Hello?

-Hiya, love. -Oh, hiya, Sheila.

[Sheila] Is there something wrong?

-What? -You don't sound yourself.

-No, I'm fine. -Nothing's happened, has it?

[Frank] What? Round here? Must be joking, ain't you?

-Same old, same old, innit? -[Sheila] Guess what happened?

[Monica whispers] You and me.

-What? -[Sheila] Frank?

What? No, no... What?

[Sheila] Is there someone there?

No, no, it's just a no, it's just a soap on the telly.

I dropped the phone.

[Sheila] Is it that time already? My cinnamon swirls will be burnt.

Yeah, so...

[door slam]

So, when is it that you coming back?

-[Sheila] Tomorrow, love. -Tomorrow?

-It's Monday. -Is it?

Look, Debs... we want you to decide if Mum stays or not.

Just say the word.

And she's gone.

And you'll go?

If I tell you to?

I need to get the dinner on.

-So you're off then, are you? -Am I fuck!

You might have come over all Stepford Wives,

but I'm not falling for it.

I'm stopping right here till you come to your senses!

Right where I can see you.

Oh, squatters' rights, European Rules!

[Debbie] Surprises come in lots of different shapes and sizes.

There's the good ones, like finding out you've passed your maths exam,

even though the calculator ran out three seconds

after you've started the test.

And finding a pound down the back of the sofa.

And then there's the bad ones, like being called to casualty

cos your youngest brother's allergic to the trifle you just made him.

Or discovering that the rash you'd finally thought had gone

has come back double and it's not 'going away,

no matter how hard you scratch it.

And realising that it's not a rash, it's an infection or worse, a melanoma.

You can try ignore it,

but someday soon, it's gonna jump up and bite ya.

-Monica! -Sheila.

I've got very big breasts.

Well it's every woman's fantasy. Lesbianism.

[Mimi] Jamie!

Oh, my angel, you've come back to us!

[Jez] He's Jamie Maguire. He did ten for murder.

I've only ever wanted one woman. And that's Norma...

[Monica] Do you still want me, Frank? Ooh, yes you do.

[screaming]

-[Monica] G'night, Carl. -[Carl] Good night, mum.

-[Monica] G'night, Ian. -[Ian] Good night, mum.

[Monica] G'night, Debbie.

[hostile silence]

[Monica] G'night, Philip.

[Debbie impatiently] He can't hear you, he's in the next house!

[Monica] G'night, Liam.

[Mimi yells out] Will you lot shut the fuck up

and go to fucking sleep before I crown the lot of you!