Original subtitles

[Frank] Now, nobody's saying the Chatsworth Estate

is the Garden of Eden, but it's been a good home to us,

to me, Frank Gallagher, and me kids, who I'm proud of,

cos every single one of 'em reminds me a little of me.

See, they can all think for themselves,

which they've got me to thank for.

[Lip] Quick, leg it!

[Frank] Lip, who's a bit of a gobshite,

which is why nobody calls him Phillip anymore.

Ian, lot like his mam, which is handy for the others,

cos she's disappeared into thin air.

And Carl. We daren't let him grow his hair for two reasons.

One, it makes it stand on end and makes him look like Toyah.

Two, nits love him.

Debbie! Sent by God, total angel.

You've to check your change,

but she'll go miles out of her way to do you a favor.

Plus lickle Liam, who's gonna be a star someday.

Sheila, me bird. Couldn't be happier.

One plate short of a full set, like.

And fantastic neighbors, Kev and Veronica.

Lend you anything. Well, almost anything.

Carol and Marty, the lodgers from hell.

Last of the lonely hearts and a psychologist's wet dream.

Still, nobody's perfect.

But all of 'em, to a man, know first and foremost

one of the most vital necessities in life is,

they know how to throw a party!

[chuckles] Scatter!

-[music playing] -[Debbie] In social studies,

we learnt that when families first started,

it was because we were primitive hunter-gatherers

who needed the family unit to protect

-the weaker, younger members. -[Carol retches]

That way, they could survive and become

the next lot of hunter gatherers.

State of her.

["Pon de Replay"]

Er, Carl, get her next door now.

-Why? -Now!

Sorry, Carol, but I did make it clear.

It was guest list only.

Must be something I've eaten.

-[retches, coughs] -[Carl] Come here, Carol.

Come on. Come on. Let's go.

-Concentrate. -[door opens]

Cheeky Vimto.

What you on about?

-It's got vodka in it, Carol. -[door closes]

I told Debbie straight off: no spirits, no class-As.

-[music playing] -[indistinct chatter]

-Fuck me! -Looks like a party.

[Debbie] But they reckon that since the industrial revolution,

the modern family has developed into a different unit.

Now its main role is the emotional and moral welfare of the young.

-[cheering] -What's that about?

I mean, as long as there isn't a woolly mammoth

biting my arse, I can look after meself,

-ta very much. -[girls] Three, two, one.

[indistinct chatter]

Fancy a bit of chill-out space, love, you're welcome to come next door.

-Oi! Out! -It's much quieter.

Lip, you promised!

You know that were Nicola.

Yeah.

-What, in Debbie's class? -Yeah.

Christ!

Arse on her, though.

[Sue sighs]

[man over TV] I suppose it would, really.

More acceleration-- I mean, how far can you--

-How far have you gone? -What do you think?

[woman over TV] ...couple of miles...

Fantastic!

I wasn't sure about the material.

It's always a bit iffy from the catalogue.

Just can't tell looking at it.

You're gorgeous. Fuck your brains out!

Yeah, but... [sighs]

...you don't think the straps are a bit funny?

See what I mean?

All right, which color do you like?

[man over TV] You do this for pleasure.

-I think this is... -[Marty] Er...

That one.

Really? I always think cream washes me out.

Oh, I got a top and all.

Sue, I don't give a fuck. Just come here, will you?

-[indistinct chatter on TV] -[Sue moans]

-[man on TV] Are we going-- -[electricity crackles]

[guests exclaiming]

-Fuck's that? -[Ian] Don't think so.

-Everybody out. -[indistinct chatter]

Shut up and get out.

-That's it. Come on. -[indistinct chatter]

[Lip] You trying to turn the place into a shag pit?

It's nothing to do with me. We must have had a power cut.

Nice try, Debs.

-Lip, it's not even midnight! -Come on. Keep moving.

Come on.

That's it.

-Where's Liam? -[Debbie] Er, party.

He stayed the night at Kev and Veronica's, duh.

No, I mean, aren't you taking him to school?

[sighs] You can do it.

One night, I asked for some consideration.

I asked for the place to meself, no interference,

but you treat me like a little kid!

Right, well, if I'm a little kid, I'll start acting like one,

and little kids can't look after their little brothers.

Lecky's gone, you div.

Debbie!

[Carol] Kettle's bust.

And I've got a mouth like a goat's lavatory.

Carol, give me a heart attack.

It's the lecky. Went off last night.

None in the Gallagher's either.

For you. Just junk mail, by the look of it.

-They've come. -[Kev] What?

[Veronica chuckles]

Fucking hell. "Tonight, Matthew, I'm Myra Hindley."

Fuck off! Hey!

Least I don't look like Ken fucking Dodd. [laughs]

Hey. Cyprus, eh? Hmm.

Sex on the beach.

Mile-high club.

-[giggles] -You dirty bitch.

Is it really a mile up?

How d'you mean?

-[moans] -Up in the sky,

is it-- Is it a mile up, like?

I don't know, do I? I mean, must be...

if that's what they call it.

-[Veronica chuckles] -Oh, no, no. Veronica,

Veronica, not-- Not with Liam here.

I-- I, er, feel a bit weird.

He's fast asleep. I've just checked him on my way in.

-Come on. -No, no, no.

Here y'are, look-- Look, I need a wazz, anyway.

Veronica, have you not got any butter?

I can only find that diet spread stuff.

Oh, for fuck's sake.

[Debbie] Hi, babe.

Hiya.

Thanks.

[sighs] Another dead soldier.

Er, no more until he's paid.

Your tab's frozen, Frank. You're on pay-as-you-go.

Oh, "Your tab's frozen, Frank."

"No more till you've--" Thank you, Nat fucking West.

-[mouths] -I ca-- No, sorry.

Got holiday coming up.

Need all me spare change for spending money.

Oh, Thatcher's children, Kevin. Always wanting more,

surrounding ourselves with...

-things. -Yeah, well, me and Vee

haven't been away in nearly six years, so...

Instant gratification. Sheila's the same.

"It's for the wedding, Frank. I know we're on a tight budget, Frank."

Tenner to last me a fucking week.

Tommy!

-[Tommy laughing] Hey! -Oh, lovely!

Smoke alarms.

Council has to fit 'em as standard now.

They pay a fortune for kite marks...

[Frank] Yeah, course they do.

It's fucking taxpayers' money, isn't it?

They bear no responsibility, these people.

Got it in one, Frank.

So, me and Phil.

We pick up a load of Korean units

for next to nowt, right?

Then... we install them,

and we flog the pricey ones up in Chorlton.

-Nice little earner. -[Frank laughing] Fucking...

[Tommy] Here we go.

-You on vitamins, or-- -Oh, no.

Another nice little earner. Drug trials.

I get 200 quid for taking these for three weeks.

Do fuck all as far as I can see.

Mind you, I do have a permanent boner.

[all laugh]

[footsteps approaching]

[sighs] Liam not back from karate yet?

Shit!

[clapping]

My name's Judith, and I'm an alcoholic.

[applauding]

[Debbie] Do you mind if I have a word?

All right. Don't tell Lip, cos I'm on strike,

but I rang the electricity company,

and they swear on their lives they've not made a mistake

about the bill.

They won't restore the supply until we've paid.

Will you sort it?

Can we pay your electricity bill?

We run off the same supply.

Steve hooked it up when he and Fiona was living next door.

It made it easier for him to take care of everything.

-Did you know about this? -No.

-Not right, is it? -[Carol] Not right?

It's criminal.

Hang on.

I gave you £50 to pay the electricity bill not two weeks ago.

What happened to it?

You know what? I bet I forgot to post it.

I'm always doing that.

Stamp on, then it stays in me bag for months.

I'll sort it tomorrow.

We'll sort it now.

How many bags have you got?

Nicola's got one like that.

-It's yours. I never use it. -[Debbie] Oh, thanks, Sue.

Ladies-- Bitches!

Be getting dark soon-- Bonfire night!

-Marty. -Thank you.

[Carol] Sue can't find the electric bill.

I thought you told me you paid it.

I have. I've just not posted it on.

It won't be in there!

When are you gonna tell us what's going on?

What are you trying to infer, Carol?

I've got eyes in me head, unlike Marty.

-New outfit every 20 minutes. -Marty, will you tell her?

-Fuck, shit, wank! -Ah.

All right. I needed the money for the lecky

cos I got myself into a bit of debt, OK?

Is that what you wanted to hear?

-How much debt? -[Sue] It's nothing.

You know I'm waiting on that money from Craig's dad's house.

It'll clear with thousands to spare.

I mean, why should I put my life on hold?

-How much? -How much, Sue, love?

Twelve grand.

[Sue] Some of them are really nasty.

County court orders and that.

You'll end up inside if you're not careful.

I'm really sorry, Marty.

Hey, we'll sort it together, OK?

[scoffs]

Is this it, though? Is this the lot?

Cause you've got to be honest with me, OK? Tit wank!

-No more trying to hide it. -Way of life with her.

Mum, just piss off out of it, will you?

Thank you.

No problem. [chuckles]

It's like you say.

This money that you're owed from Craig.

Well, there must be some way to throw him a bone.

-Do you hate me? -Of course I don't.

Bloodsucking bitch!

I love you.

Sue, you're the best thing that's ever happened to me,

no contest.

[Carl] Deb's on strike! It's doing me head in.

Liam, shoes.

No bread left.

I haven't had time to shop, have I?

Fu... [huffs]

We'll get you some crisps on the way to school.

-Where's your socks, Liam? -I don't know.

[sighs]

-[knocking on door] -Come in.

Hiya.

[Debbie] Morning.

-I'm loving the bag, babe. -Thanks.

[Nicola] See ya.

[Lip] Look, you're just gonna have to wear a pair of mine.

-They're a bit big, but-- -[Liam] Lip, it hurts!

OK, fine.

No frigging socks! Go bare feet.

Yeah? Don't ask or owt.

I haven't got any of my own clean, have I?

I'm off out after school.

Oh, who's gonna make tea for these two, then?

Supposed to be seeing Katie and Mandy tonight.

Can't Carl manage?

-What? -[Lip] Shit.

This is it, you know?

Once Debbie cops off with some horny little loser,

-this is our lives here. -We'll be OK.

We just need a routine and that.

[Lip] Yeah.

Well, no, you're right. We need a plan.

-Nip it in the bud. -[Carl gulps]

[Ian] Scruff.

[phone ringing]

It's just a few questions about your lifestyle, Mr Gallagher.

Right you are, love. Nothing there

to frighten the horses. [chuckles] Happy to oblige.

Right, "male or female?" Oh, definitely a yes.

I'll just... Yeah.

Right.

Oh, diet.

"Do you eat five portions of fruit and vegetables a day?"

Do I look like fucking Bugs Bunny?

Yes.

"How much alcohol do you consume weekly?

A, no alcohol. B, one to 21 units weekly?"

Yeah. Weekly.

"C, over 21 units."

I see you say you don't drink, Mr Gallagher.

Yeah, well me mum was a Methodist, love.

I promised her on her deathbed.

In that case, we'll have to keep your details on file.

This particular trial involves taking the drug in conjunction

with at least two units of alcohol a day.

[sighs]

All right, I'll do it.

Well, me mum was a wonderful woman, you know.

She was-- Actually, she was devoted

to medical science. Absolutely devoted to it.

She could have trained up if she'd have had the opportunities.

Donated her body, you know, her eyes and-- And all that.

And that was the other thing that she said to me

on her deathbed.

"Son, promise me you'll do everything you can

for medical science."

So I'm here. [chuckles]

It's Lady Muck you should be asking for money, not me.

I said from the get-go she was trouble.

Feet under the table

before you could say Jack Robinson.

Point is, Carol, Sue hasn't got the money.

So if you don't pay to get us reconnected,

it's not gonna happen. We're all brassic at ours.

Fine state of affairs this is.

We're supposed to be your tenants, not your parents.

Yeah, and we're charging you 30 quid a week

less than you're claiming in housing benefits.

I'm supposed to be putting a bit by for me old age.

-Nobody cares. -Thanks.

And if any of the lads ask you, you sorted it yourself.

You know, you'll get blackheads from putting so much makeup on.

Clogs your pores.

A foaming tankard of your finest ale,

-mein innkeeper! -Frank, you know how it is.

Eh, eh, eh?

Half now, half on completion of the trial.

[scoffs]

No, but it's not just the money, Jez.

You really feel like you're putting a bit back.

Well, I suppose it's you or them monkeys

-they grow the tumors on. -Ah.

[Kev] How many of them tablets are you having to take Frank?

Er, three every four hour-- Oh, four every three hours.

["Speed of Sound" playing]

Ahhh.

So, basically, Debt Crunchers, in agreement with yourself,

take what's known as a consolidation loan.

You're probably wondering what the heck that is.

Well, I'll tell you.

Basically, it's a way for us to pay off all your debts,

then we organize it for yourselves to pay one basic monthly fee to us.

Sounds too good to be true.

It is. People don't realize. You're homeowners, obviously.

-She is. Well, when-- -Yes.

No worries.

[thunder rumbling]

No one's ever looked after me like you do, you know?

I love looking after you. You know I do.

Do anything I can-- Ball and chain!

[indistinct chatter]

But these loans and that, though.

Well, you hear about people paying them off for years.

Yeah, but it's not gonna be years, is it?

Once Craig comes good. I mean, that's what I'm saying.

The day he's sold that house, the sky's the limit.

To the future.

Mud in your eye. Cum on your face!

[indistinct chatter]

Fuck it.

[Carol] Sue?

[Marty] We're going to bed, Mum. We're shattered.

You've got a visitor.

You're looking well.

-Marty. -Fuck are you doing here?

We've just been having a little chat,

-haven't we, Craig? -[Sue] You poisonous, old bitch.

She's stirring it again. What's she been saying?

I haven't been saying anything.

It's what Craig's been telling me.

I don't wanna hear it, right? You're upsetting Sue.

-She's had it, Marty! -This is none of your business!

He's my son, and you're taking him for a ride.

-[Sue] I'm taking him for nothing. -Tell him.

She's had the money from me dad's house.

Ten grand, nearly a month ago.

Same old story, is it? Spunked the lot?

But you said...

The lies never stop, do they, Sue?

-[Sue] Marty! -[Carol] For God's sake!

-[Marty] Oh, fuck! Fuck! -[Carol] Marty!

-Fuck! -You all right, mate?

Get the fuck off me, you lying bastard!

It's all true, Marty. I've seen the paperwork.

[Carol] Pull your trousers off.

They need running under a cold tap.

Fucking get off me, Mum!

[indistinct chatter on TV]

Sue?

[groans] Sue?

[pants, grunts] Sue?

Sue!

Bollocks!

Popcorn maker? Who needs a popcorn maker?

[scoffs] Too bloody idle to walk to the shops,

and she spends God knows how much on a badminton racket.

She's mentally ill.

Oh! That's handy.

Maybe she and Marty were gonna be playing doubles.

[Veronica] Yeah. And if they were, you'd find some way of stopping them.

Hey, don't you make me out to be the villain on this, Veronica.

She's the one who's selling Marty down the river.

Oh, how's she doing that, Mum?

By making him happy?

By stopping him setting fire to anything for longer

than any of us can remember?

By keeping him out of fucking Strangeways?

I can't do right by doing bloody wrong.

I might have known not to expect any support from you.

Yeah, well, you're right on that one. And think on, yeah.

If Marty does go back inside, the Gallagher's will be short on rent

and looking for new tenants. And with any luck,

Kev and me will be turning the spare room into a nursery.

So, don't come crying to us when you need somewhere to live.

["Jerk It Out" playing]

[sniffs]

-[Frank] Six, is it? -Yeah, this'll be seven.

Brewery needs telling.

Nothing wrong with the ale, Frank.

Look at Denzig, he's matched you pint for pint.

It'll be them pills you're taking.

Fuck off. What kind of pills stop you getting pissed?

What would be the fucking point of that,

Jez, eh, in your medical opinion?

I don't know. Treating alcoholics?

If you can't get pissed, there's no point drinking.

How many Es can you give us, Kev?

-Marty? -[Frank] Kev?

Let me go!

-Let me go! -Marty, look, you know I can't.

I promised Vee I'd keep an eye on you.

Let go of me! I've just gotta find her!

Please, Kev! Please! I think I'm gonna die!

I just want to fucking torch the place!

All right, all right. I'll tell you what.

-I'll come with you, yeah? -[breathes heavily]

Well, her mum lives in Spain. That's where she'll have gone.

Whoa, Spain?

But I-- I thought-- Sue had told me and Vee

that she hadn't spoken to her mam in ten years.

She's still family, isn't she?

If you don't want to help us-- Fucking bastard!

All right, all right! Oi, all right.

-Where do you wanna go? -To Spain.

-No one wants us to be together. -[aeroplane approaching]

[Kev] Fucking hell!

Course we do. Course we do.

And-- And you will be, won't you?

Don't fucking believe that. No one does.

See them looking-- Fucking loser!

Hey, hey, I do, as it happens, Marty.

Seriously, you've got something good.

Don't bother what anyone else says.

If you think Sue's in Puerto de la Rey,

then get in there, hand over your passport,

and pay whatever it takes to go and get her,

cos I'm telling you, you can't put a price on feelings.

-Oi. -I ain't got a fucking passport,

have I? Fuck!

Fucking fuck of a fucking fucker!

Fucker!

[indistinct chatter]

[knocking on door]

-[Kev] How you doing, Craig? -All right, Kev?

Er, just come to talk.

You best come in.

[Craig] You tried her Nan's in Preston?

No.

Well, I wouldn't try ringing.

She's a bit senile, but you could go round.

Think Sue'd probably go there before she'd go to her mum's.

She's not spoke to her mum for years, actually.

-Word of advice-- -No, ta-- Spunk face!

[scoffs] Just leave it, Marty. Let her go wherever she wants.

You're well out of it, believe me.

You don't get it, do you? I love her. She loves me.

Sue loves Sue. And owt with a bar-code.

I mean, yes, she'll give you the best blowjob

you've ever had in your life,

but at the end of the day, if you opened her up,

you'd find a cash register where her heart should be.

Believe me, her leaving you

is the best thing that's ever happened to you.

My life started the day she walked out of that door.

Come on, mate. Let's go to Preston.

Have you got the address?

[Marty] He's a cunt.

Thanks. I owe you one.

Well, that's me and every catalogue company

-in the country, then. -Narky bugger.

-What did you tell him? -[Craig scoffs]

Marty's gutted, you know?

You broke his heart, the poor, little bastard.

Well, I'm not going back.

Won't give Carol the satisfaction.

Well, then you better get on the phone and sort something out, yeah?

One night, I said.

If your nanna's that far gone, she won't even notice you

staying with her for a bit.

They're pink.

All of 'em.

Live and learn.

[Carl] Can't wear pink to school.

There you are. Wait there a sec.

You know that old hippie-looking woman who lives at number 27?

You know, the one whose house really stinks?

-[kittens mewing] -RSPCA finally raided her.

And they're giving them away.

-What am I, six? -Debs, wait.

Look, I know we haven't been pulling our weight and that,

but things are gonna change.

Lip's made a rota of what everyone's

supposed to be doing.

Look, Mondays, Carl, breakfast.

Me, tidy up. You, take Liam to school.

All different colors, see?

Give me a break.

How many rotas have I made for you lot?

And they never work,

cos I'm the only one that sticks to them,

and I end up doing everyone else's jobs.

So don't piss on my leg and tell me it's raining.

[door closes]

-What does that mean? -[kittens mewing]

Oh, God. He's over there.

-Is he looking? -Yeah, he's looking. Don't look.

-[car horn honks] -Here, do you wanna sit

on me face, sweetheart, or can I just cum on your tits?

-[men laughing] -You fucking perv!

Come near us again,

and my dad will kick the fucking shit out of you!

[chuckling]

-You paedophile bastard. -[laughs] Oh, right.

[chuckles] Total pede.

So, is he looking now?

Debbie?

-Yeah. -[siren wailing]

Whoa, Frankie boy, how's it shaking?

[Frank] Well, it's not, is it?

Sixty quid on booze and Es and look at me.

Sober as a fucking judge.

Nice one.

[sighs]

Never knew the true meaning of that phrase till today.

Sober as a fucking judge.

Jez, I know, long story. Long s...

Listen, there's plenty more places in the world

than fucking Preston.

She'll probably get in touch when the dust settles.

Why would she? Loser!

Oh, come on, Marty. She's not that bad.

She's probably just got a bit freaked with facing the music and that.

Think I'd fuck off for a bit if I owed that much money.

My mum reckons she left just cos she was using me

and she finally bled me dry.

I know. Just give us two minutes, Jez.

Look, no disrespect to Carol,

but that twisted old cow wouldn't know true love

if it jumped up and bit her on the minge.

What? You really think she loves me, Kev?

Well, she must do. Why else she been shagging you for the past year?

For your smooth talk and good looks?

Yeah, if I pay it all off for her, she'd come back then,

wouldn't she? I'm gonna do it.

I-- I'll get another job. I know I can.

-[men laughing] -[indistinct chatter]

Tommy.

[alarm beeps]

I got a lasagna in for tonight. I know you like it.

I'm working.

I could do chips with it and all.

-Not hungry. Selfish cunt! -I like lasagna.

Sweet Jesus, give me strength.

I said lasagna, not loaves and bloody fishes.

There you are.

Hmm.

You know, if you started wearing a toupee now,

nobody'd know later on.

That was your dad's mistake, leaving it too late.

[doorbell rings]

Sorry to hear about your partner, Mr. Fisher.

Why? What have you heard?

Oh, no, it's nothing like that. My apologies.

It's just that I rang yesterday to speak to yourself

about your first payment. I spoke to a lady.

-I presume that was you. -That's right.

Er, she told me that your wife had done a bit of a runner.

They're not married, thank God.

[Jason] Oh, right.

Well, seeing as you're co-signature to the loan,

-I thought-- -[Carol] What loan?

-What's she made you sign? -[Marty] Nothing.

It's my business, Mum. Down the shit-hole!

So, you mean that-- That I've got to pay the lot?

[scoffs] What did I say all along the line?

She's played you for a giddy kipper, Martin Fisher.

How in heaven's name are you gonna pay off £12,000?

It's time you woke up to yourself. -Fucking shut it, will ya?

All my life, you rabbiting on:

"I told you so, Marty." "He's not your friend, Marty.

"Wear a fucking toupee, Marty!"

-I have had enough, right? -Hey!

Chill out. All right?

-All right? -I'm chilled. I'm chilled.

I'm cool. I'm chilled. [pants]

Psycho bastard! Sorry.

You've only got one mum. Remember that.

[muffled] Fucker!

Fucker!

[indistinct chatter]

-Cock! -[indistinct chatter]

Fuck!

Fuck!

Shit!

Fuck!

Cunt!

[glass breaking]

How long have you been up?

This was your dad's, weren't it?

Seat's totally gone.

New suite would change the look of this room like that.

Hang on, hang on. When did we enter the fucking twilight zone?

One night, I said, until you sort something out,

and you've already been here two.

-Don't push it. -Yeah, but I can't stay at Nanna's.

-It's not my problem. -Craig, I've got nowhere to go.

I haven't forgotten the way you like it.

Well, then you've got a bloody good memory.

What the fuck are you playing at?

-I'm not playing. [groans] -Christ's sake, Sue!

Three years we didn't shag while we shared this house,

and now, all of a sudden, you've decided you fancy me again?

[scoffs] I know you've got no self-respect,

but this is really low.

[sighs]

I could do, though, you know?

Haven't got laid in a while.

But I'd still kick you out afterwards.

Oh, come on. How about it?

Something for nothing for a change.

-You bastard. -Didn't think so.

Marty makes me come like a train.

Oh, really? Well, they say everybody's got to be good

at something, don't they? He's a disaster

-in every other way-- -Fuck you, Craig!

For your information, Marty-- [scoffs]

You don't know the first thing about Marty, OK?

So, you just sit on your dad's settee

and judge the world if it makes you feel better.

The hours must fly by.

[Kev and Veronica moaning]

Oh, I forgot, Erm...

the reference numbers have come for...

for the flight and hotel and that.

You don't get tickets anymore. You just turn up at airport.

Oh, and Yvonne was saying,

we're best taking our own tea bags...

cos tea's really shit over there. [moans]

What's up?

Nothing.

-You've gone... -It's hardly erotic, is it?

Talking about tea bags when I'm trying to give you one?

-Do you want me... -No, you're all right.

It's like trying to put a slug in a slot machine, to be honest.

[Kev sighs]

-What's going on, Kev? -Nothing. I'm just knackered.

Double shift and babysitting Marty all night.

Don't give me that.

It were the same the other morning.

-[Kev urinating] -It's not guilt, is it?

You're not slipping it someone else?

No! It's nothing like that.

Well, what?

[exhales deeply]

Flying, OK?

I've got a fear of flying.

And every time I think about it or you talk about it,

I get fucking limp.

-[chuckles] -It's a phobia, Veronica.

Fuck off, you jessie.

Fear of flying. [laughs]

[toilet flushing]

There isn't an antidote, Mr. Gallagher.

Are you shitting me?

Well, the drug isn't toxic...

though clearly you have had some sort of extreme reaction.

I'm afraid you'll just have to wait for it to clear your system.

How would you describe your reaction?

It's like...

everything's...

you know...

real.

Have a word, Marty?

-What's going on? -Sue. Fucking bitch!

We need him to come down station to answer a few questions.

What you on about? What's he supposed to have done?

There's been an arson attack on the precinct

-down Adelaide Way. -Adelaide Way?

[Tony] Yeah, one of the shops got burnt out.

All the hallmarks, I'm afraid.

Well, go on. Tell them.

-Tell us what? -What?

He's been in Preston with me since yesterday.

Only came back for a change of clothes.

It's me nanna. Suspected stroke.

When's it supposed to have happened, the fire?

-Sometime yesterday evening. -[Sue sighs]

Well, I don't see how. We took it in turn

to hold Nanna's hand all through the night.

Not that she knew we were there, bless her.

But it brought her a bit of comfort.

I can give you the number of the hospital

if you want to check. It's St. Catherine's.

-No, you're all right, love. -Sorry, Marty.

Fucking pigs!

[indistinct chatter over police radio]

I said to Tony straight off: "Why the fuck would Marty

wanna burn down a Poverty Action shop

in the first place?

Fuck it!

Hmm.

Hey, brand new that. We're not made of money.

I really appreciate it, you know...

you trying to torch the debt place for me.

I didn't do it for you, did I? I did it for me.

Seeing you'd run out and left me in the shit.

But I'm back now, aren't I? Eh?

I just needed a bit of time to sort me head out.

Don't!

Marty.

Can't we start again?

Clean slate.

I know we've still got debt, but...

I just want to put things right.

What point is there?

You've gone too far. All the lying.

We're finished, you and me.

Massive hard-on!

Right. Yard sale.

We'll shift all this lot in no time.

-Debbie, you're with me. -Sorry, I'm off out.

OK. Everyone else then.

Start tagging it up. Price it as high as you can.

People just think it's shit if you try to shift it for nothing.

Oh, come on, get a move on!

Right. I'll do it all meself then.

-Marty. -[cat mews]

Where did that come from?

Yard sale?

After all she's landed on you,

you think selling a few bits and bobs will sort it?

You're even softer in the head than I thought.

It's hard to believe, seeing you treat me

like the world's biggest fucking retard. F...

If you're having her back, Marty, I wash my hands of you.

-I really do. -Well, I am having her back, Mum,

and if you've got anything else to say about it,

you can say it outside this house, right?

In fact, you can pack your bags, OK?

Fuck off and die! We don't want you here.

Hello, cheeky chaps.

Hello. Nigel.

There's more in the pot if you want it.

-You have been busy. -[babies cooing]

Hey. Now we've got a minute, we can go through that stuff

my sister sent me for the wedding.

You know, flowers. Oh, what am I on about?

These are the wedding invitations.

Replied, coming.

Replied, not coming.

Oh, abusive. We don't have to go through these yet.

Wouldn't it be terrible if we forgot someone?

Sheila...

you're a very damaged woman.

You live in a fantasy world half the time.

You have to take a lorry-load of tablets

just to get downstairs in the morning.

Why on earth are you adding to your troubles by marrying me?

Eh?

Mr Right.

I mean, if I'm the answer, what's the fucking question, eh?

I'm a waster, Sheila.

Always have been, always will be.

And you can chuck as many vol-au-vents

as you'd like at it, love,

but it's not exactly made in fucking heaven, is it?

[voice breaking] I never said vol-au-vents.

I never ordered vol-au-vents.

-Why here? -Oh, fuck off.

Change of scenery, spice things up a bit.

[both moan]

[airplane approaching]

-No. -You're all right.

-[aeroplane whooshes] -[screams]

Get off! Fuck!

Fucking hell, Veronica! What are you playing at?

-Where you going? -[pants, groans]

It's what they do with phobias, isn't it?

Do you remember that program? Like putting spiders on your arm

when you're frightened of spiders.

I'm not frightened of spiders! I'm frightened of them up there!

-Yeah, I know, but it-- -No, no, no! But--

No, but it's not natural! They fucking crash!

They fucking crash.

We'll lose our £100 deposit!

[groans]

I suppose you could ask your cousin, Dave, about his caravan.

["Hard to Beat" playing]

Can I get you a drink, Frank?

Oh, that's very kind, Carol.

I'll have an orange juice.

Hm.

-No, no, no, no. -Ah.

[sighs] Oh, well.

Hey.

It's like shagging with a johnny on.

Course, it suits the pharmaceutical industries

to develop tools to control the masses,

to deny them pleasure.

God, they'd put it in the water if they could.

[coughs] Then once they've sterilized the lot of us...

-[knocks on bar] -Fuckin'... Eh?

Not that I'd say no at this point.

I always thought you talked shite cos you were pissed.

[Carol chuckles]

No Sheila tonight, Frank?

Nah.

I've blown it, haven't I, with Sheila?

Said things that were better left unsaid.

Well, you better make it right again.

Bed, board, and someone to keep you company,

-you shouldn't knock it. -I've never knocked it, have I?

I've just had enough of all this wedding shite.

Well, you're not getting any younger, Frank.

None of us are. Mark my words.

It's no joke being on your own at my age.

No.

Cos they stick you in a home in front of the telly

with a pair of incontinence pants on.

Never see them from one Christmas to the next.

A slice of turkey roll once a year,

that's the only thing you've got to look forward to.

And they have to cut it up for you

cos they won't let you have your teeth in case you choke.

Smell of piss.

Bloke in the chair opposite, sat there trembling.

Home and Away on full volume.

Thanks, Carol, love. I will have a word.

[Carol] Where's the settee?

[Sue] Someone gave us 100 quid for it.

Still only made shy of 700 quid.

-A drop in the ocean, really. -Oh, you do surprise me.

I've got a proposition to put to you, as it happens.

I've been on to the Citizens Advice.

There's something called an individual voluntary arrangement.

They take care of your creditors,

and you pay them back as much as you can.

Yeah, we've already been down that road, ta.

You've got cancellation rights. It's in the papers you signed.

Twenty-eight days to change your mind.

-So, we're back to square one. -Marty is.

You're still £12,000 in the red.

This individual thingamy,

it's all kosher, reasonable interest,

but you need security...

and I'm offering to stand it for you.

-You? What with? -My house.

The one Marty burned down.

Well, they built it again, finished in April.

Got a good set of tenants in it.

Why? You hate my guts.

You'll stay with Marty five years, and I'll have a place to live.

Yeah, but, Carol, you just said you've got a house.

No.

It's lonely on your own.

Five years, I'll stay with you.

You stay with Marty. Marty stays out of trouble.

And then I get a credit rating again.

Like nothing's happened.

But you can't have a credit card while you're paying it off.

But Marty could, right?

Can I finger you?

-[Nicola] What's up with him? -I don't fancy him.

-So? -So I don't fancy him.

You don't fancy anyone. You're right weird, you.

[hiccups]

[burps]

[cheers, applause]

["Hallelujah Chorus" plays]

♪ Hallelujah, Hallelujah ♪

♪ Hallelujah, Hallelujah ♪

♪ Hallelujah, Hallelujah ♪

♪ Hallelujah, Hallelujah ♪

♪ Hallelujah ♪

♪ For the Lord God Omnipotent reigneth ♪

♪ Hallelujah, Hallelujah Hallelujah, Hallelujah ♪

Hallelujah!

[laughs]

Frank Gallagher is back in the room!

[chuckles, sighs]

Sheila, my love...

-my bride-to-be. -[sighs]

-Frank. -[laughs]

♪ Hallelujah ♪

[Sheila chuckling]

-Pasta bake all right? -Great.

My turn on the rota.

-Cheers. -[Sue] Marty,

make room for your mum, will you?

-[Liam] Excuse me, Sue. -[Debbie] Watch out. It's a bit hot.

-[Lip] That looks delicious. -Where are the kittens?

Oh, I flogged them with the rest of me stuff.

Got a fiver for each of them.

Oh, this looks lovely. Carol?

Oh.

-[Sue] Here you go, Marty. -[indistinct chatter]

[Debbie] They say: "You can choose your friends,

but you can't choose your family."

Which is a total no-brainer, obviously.

But if you could choose your family,

I reckon you wouldn't choose anyone different.

Cos if you did and everything was all perfect,

who could you blame when things went wrong?

Just yourself, and that's got to be crap.

[Marty] Bucket of spunk!

[Sheila] I was married... before.

He's buried in the garden.

-[Sheila] Leave me patio alone! -Fucking hell.

[party blowers honk]

Party!

[laughter]

[Veronica] It's your wedding day.

If you're not gonna marry her, you have got to tell her.

Fuck me.

Today, we'll be cruising at an altitude of 50,000 feet.

In the unlikely event of an emergency,

the exits are located to the rear of the plane.

-[Kev, softly] Bitch. -I heard that.