Original subtitles

[Frank] Now, nobody's saying the Chatsworth Estate

is the Garden of Eden, but it's been a good home to us,

to me, Frank Gallagher, and me kids, who I'm proud of,

cos every single one of 'em reminds me a little of me.

See, they can all think for themselves,

which they've got me to thank for.

[Lip] Quick, leg it!

[Frank] Lip, who's a bit of a gobshite,

which is why nobody calls him Phillip anymore.

Ian, lot like his mam, which is handy for the others,

cos she's disappeared into thin air.

And Carl. We daren't let him grow his hair for two reasons.

One, it makes it stand on end and makes him look like Toyah.

Two, nits love him.

Debbie! Sent by God, total angel.

You've to check your change,

but she'll go miles out of her way to do you a favor.

Plus lickle Liam, who's gonna be a star someday.

Sheila, me bird. Couldn't be happier.

One plate short of a full set, like.

And fantastic neighbors, Kev and Veronica.

Lend you anything. Well, almost anything.

Carol and Marty, the lodgers from hell.

Last of the lonely hearts and a psychologist's wet dream.

Still, nobody's perfect.

But all of 'em, to a man, know first and foremost

one of the most vital necessities in life is,

they know how to throw a party!

[chuckles] Scatter!

[Veronica] We all have our ups and downs,

good days, bad days,

days spent hiding under the covers.

But most of the time,

life just trundles along quite nicely.

The big stuff happens when you least expect it.

It's-- it's like snakes and ladders as a kid.

One minute, you're romping up the board,

laughing at them beneath ya.

The next...

you're on your arse at the bottom,

havin' to start all over again.

["There She Goes" playing]

[Kev singing off-key] ♪ There she goes ♪

-♪ There she goes again... ♪ -Does he have to?

I mean, I've heard fucking chimp hold a better tune.

Leave him alone, it's his birthday.

It's a long-standing rule, Frank. On your birthday,

you can play whatever music you like.

-[Karen] Do I get that, Jez? -[Jez] 'Course you do.

-When's your next? -Twelfth of June.

Oh, Gemini, eh?

The twins.

I've always fancied a threesome.

[Kev] ♪ There she goes ♪

♪ There she goes again... ♪

-Job, meals, and accommodation. -♪ ...through my veins... ♪

Let her think what she likes.

♪ ...and I just can't contain ♪

♪ This feeling that remains... ♪

Restaurant's booked for seven o'clock.

Three course meal with a ten-off voucher.

Taxi'll be 'ere in five minutes.

-And he's not answering his phone? -No, it's just clicking onto voicemail,

and Jockey's ringing out.

-Might have been knocked over. -[all] Carl!

-I'm just saying. -Roadkill.

It's his birthday, you'd think he'd make the bleedin' effort

on his own bleedin' birthday. He's a useless sod!

Which restaurant is it?

Luigi's on Shudehill.

Mmm, nice.

-Well, if he doesn't show... -[indistinct chatter on TV]

...I might take up your reservation. Norman loves Italian food.

Who's Norman?

My new gentleman.

And let me tell you, that's exactly what he is.

[door opens]

-[Veronica] Oh, at last! -[door closes]

[indistinct chatter on TV]

What's the matter?

What's happened?

It's Kev's mum. She's dead.

She's committed suicide.

Suicide?

How?

She fucking jumped.

Six floors up.

Even took someone out on the ground.

You mean, she flattened somebody?

Traffic warden.

Didn't know what hit him.

-Last ticket he'll be giving. -[all chuckling]

Oh, come 'ere.

[tuts and sighs]

Can't believe she killed herself on me birthday.

[footsteps on stairs]

'Ere. For the shock.

[Kev] This is all just crap.

Did nothing else come this morning?

Was there anything else?

-Did you see anything... -[thuds]

...fucking else?

Kev... she were depressed.

You said yourself, she probably didn't even know what day it was.

How could she not know, Veronica?

Thirty-two years to the fucking day.

Of all the days she coulda picked.

She coulda sent me a fucking card.

Hey.

-[Kev sighs] -[kissing]

[sniffles]

[Norman] Mmm, superb choice.

The only trouble is...

Italian food...

makes me...

really horny.

-[Carol chuckles] -It does, honest.

-Hey. -It does. [chuckles]

-No, I can't. -Come on.

-Come on. -Not here.

Come on, come on.

Where's your sense of adventure?

-[unzipping] -[Norman] Hey?

[Norman chuckles]

[Carol grunts]

-[Norman groaning] -[Carol giggling]

[both moaning]

[Norman groaning]

Mum!

[dogs barking]

Oh.

Norman, this is my daughter, Veronica, and her partner, Kev.

Sorry to hear about your loss.

-Wonderful restaurant, though. -[laughs]

Come on now, see--

-[Carol] Stop. -[Norman] Hey.

-[Carol] Stop. -[Norman grunting]

-They're loading someone up. -[Kev] It's a chapel of rest.

That's what they do. Be all right.

-Oh, Jesus! -[Veronica] What?

-[Kev] Reverse, reverse. -What the fuck's the matter?

-Just move it quick! Veronica! -I'm trying!

Not fucking hard enough! Will ya move it!

-I can't get it in fucking gear! -[tyres screeching]

-[Kev] Watch it! -Mind me fucking hearse!

-[tyres screech] -[Kev] Christ!

Look what you've done to me fucking car!

[Veronica] The fuck were that all about?

You know I can't drive when I'm in a panic!

[Veronica] So...

-who is she? -Who's who?

I know we're in a chapel of rest, Kev,

but I will still twat ya.

Look, it-- it's complicated.

I'm not even sure if--

Just hang on.

Thought so.

Roxy.

Roxy Benson?

-I thought she was in prison. -She was.

So, what's she doing 'ere?

She knew me mam.

She must've come to pay her respects or something.

Roxy Ball?

She signed herself "Ball"!

We are still married, Vee.

She hasn't seen you for ten years.

You asked her for a divorce when she was inside.

Why the fuck would she still be calling herself "Ball"?

-[door opens] -[funeral director coughs]

If you'd like to come through.

[peaceful music]

She's absolutely fucking gorgeous.

-Me mam? -Roxy.

She were stunning.

When ya married her.

-You told me. -Not now, eh, Vee.

-Does she still look the same? -Veronica.

Perhaps you'd like to say your goodbyes now, Kevin.

Yeah.

Bye, Mam.

Hope you've gone to a better place.

Coulda sent me a birthday card, though.

-[Debbie] Pass me a spoon, Carl. -[Marty] I had a dream last night.

-[Debbie] Stop! What you doin'? -I was this banana thing,

and had this massive fight with a grapefruit.

[Carl] You're weird you, Marty.

[Norman] Er, we're out of milk.

Couldn't pinch a pint, could I?

[sniggers]

Norman Owens, Carol's friend.

Promised her breakfast in bed.

OK if I, er...

[radio playing in background]

-Clegnuts! -[all snigger]

[knocking on door]

Morning.

-[Katie cooing] -[Lip] Heya, gorgeous.

[Katie coos]

Can I hold her, Mandy?

This Friday, how ya fixed?

What, the whole day?

That a problem, Daddy?

Begging to spend time with her.

No, no, it's, erm...

it's Kev's mum's died.

-Funeral's Friday. -Close, were ya?

-Wouldn't have any eggs, would ya? -[Lip sniggers]

Slag!

-They're all for the traffic warden. -Never mind.

State of this place.

No wonder she jumped.

Sorry.

[sirens in distance]

How could she not leave a note?

I mean, you pop out for milk, you leave a note.

"Down the shops" note.

I mean, would it have killed her to leave a note?

Let's just get her things sorted.

Then-- then you need never come here again, eh?

Joking, aren't ya?

Lick a paint, few rugs down. I'm thinking bachelor pad.

Cards, girls, footy games. Somewhere to put me head down

when you're gettin' on me nerves.

You do in here,

I'll do in bedroom.

[Carol] Say that again.

I'm a nudist.

I'm proud of it.

I don't adhere to society's assumptions

that the naked body should be hidden away.

I mean, look at it.

A beautiful piece of design.

Not all of it, isn't.

You weren't saying that last night.

Don't be vulgar.

Slip your gown off.

-Norman. -No, no, trust me.

Slip it off.

There.

That's how God intended you to be.

Free from concealment.

Now tell me that doesn't feel natural.

[Carol farts]

Oh, sorry.

I'm always a touch flatulent after carbonara.

No wonder she were depressed.

She's kept a scrap book on Diana's life.

Really detailed. Marriage, kids, affairs.

There's even a section on bulimia.

[album crackles]

God, this is certifiable.

Didn't ya know she was a Diana freak?

I'm starting to think I didn't know her at all.

[album snaps shut]

There's hundreds of 'em. Me mam and Roxy.

They must've been writing to each other the whole time she was in prison.

I tell you what, you'd better start going to that adult literacy class again.

Yeah, I don't need a lecture, Karen. Just read the fucking letters, will ya?

Tell you what, it's pretty heavy stuff.

What sort of heavy?

The way she talks about ya.

"Kev's still the one I think about at lights-out."

"The times we had together were so special."

You winding me up? Cos I mean it, Karen, this isn't the--

-Just get someone else to read 'em. -All right, all right.

["I Got You Babe" playing]

'Ere y'are.

We had this really intense relationship.

Whirlwind marriage, the works.

It was like living inside a tornado.

Few drinks down 'er neck she turned into a monster.

How long was she in prison?

Oh, a few years.

GBH.

I mean, she's a lunatic

[chuckles] She's gorgeous, though.

Yeah.

Yeah, sex was summat else.

[tuts] You'll be all right.

Probably won't even see 'er again.

Cheers, Karen.

Hiya, Kev.

Long time, no see.

[tense music]

I got out a few weeks before Christmas.

I'm still on probation, so if I misbehave,

they'll have me straight back inside.

You seem different, Rox.

["Careless Whisper" playing]

Sort of...

-I dunno, like-- -Calmer.

[indistinct background chatter]

Jail's been good for me.

Rehabilitation.

Learnt a lot about myself.

Anger management, two classes a week,

why do ya think I'm on this stuff?

Yeah, I'm not gonna lie, ya...

pretty fiery after a tipple.

Fiery?

-I was friggin' deranged. -[chuckles]

[Roxy chuckles]

♪ It's sad goodbyes... ♪

I'm really sorry about your mam, Kev.

♪ Guilty feet... ♪

-She was a lovely woman. -Mm.

-She liked you. -Yeah, yeah, we got on.

Did ya... keep in touch with her when you were inside?

We wrote a bit.

Both had time on our hands.

But she always kept me informed about you.

Bet that was a boring old read.

No, not at all.

I enjoyed hearing about ya.

Is he serving today or what?

-Oi, lazy arse! -No, Jez.

That's his wife.

Or his ex, before Veronica.

You two are getting close these days, aren't ya?

His mum's died, Jez.

Suppose.

Still...

don't let him take advantage.

So, this woman ya with...

Veronica.

Serious about her?

Been together ten years.

But you've not married?

Well, we sorta got married...

-just wasn't legal. -But we're still married.

So that means you're a bigamist.

Well, yeah. Just not legally.

[both chuckle]

Can I get you another drink?

No, I'm gonna get on. But, erm...

but it was really nice to see you, Kev.

Yeah, and you.

♪ And waste the chance That I'd been given... ♪

[chuckles]

♪ So I'm never gonna dance again... ♪

Guess I'll see you at the funeral.

♪ The way I danced with you... ♪

[floorboards creaking]

[door squeaks]

[floor creaks]

Oh, Jesus.

[exhales] Thought you were asleep.

Doesn't usually bother ya.

Consulate rang.

They've rang every bar in Paphos.

They can't trace your Kelly.

We'll have to do the funeral without her.

Well we can't do that, Veronica. It's her mam and all.

Well, they can only wait so long, Kev.

Can't have dead bodies hangin' around all year.

I know, I know.

Bloody hell, Kelly...

you coulda left a contact--

[glass shatters]

What's the matter?

Oh, apart from the fact that me mum's dead,

and I can't find me fucking sister, nothing.

Hey...

come 'ere.

[kisses]

-Veronica. -Hmm?

About the funeral...

Do ya think I should I get me suit cleaned?

Come here, you. [kisses]

[Katie coos]

You've got to hold her legs closed, and slide the nappy under.

How many hands do ya think I've got?

-Well, come here, then. -[Lip] No, I've gotta learn.

Have ya ever met a manic depressive?

They're hard work.

Either on the ceiling, or hitting the deck.

Literally in me mam's case.

Mental illness is a terrible affliction.

[indistinct chatter]

Well, you'll know better than us.

-How do ya mean? -With Sheila.

Me mam's not mentally ill.

Isn't she?

[Sheila] I got these for the top of the wedding cake.

I fell in love with them straightaway. [chuckles]

They look just like me and Frank. [chuckles]

[Lip] Shit! I've left her bottle in the kitchen.

-[Ian] I'll go and get it. -Hearse is here.

Come on, everyone, drink up, chop, chop!

Er, hang on two secs.

Lip's left the baby's bottle next door.

[Veronica] Come on.

Whoa!

-[gasps] -[door closes]

I thought you were at this funeral.

[Ian] Sorry. Sorry, Carol. It's Lip, he's...

What are ya doing?

We shroud our bodies in secrecy and shame.

We should celebrate them like newborn babies.

[plate clatters]

I'm sorry, Norman, I-- I can't do this.

It doesn't feel right.

You're bowing to society's conventions,

-Carol. -That's right.

Because society doesn't want 16-year-old boys

lookin' at my 60-year-old tush.

Each to their own, Norman,

but why the fuck do you wanna eat naked?

The question you should ask is why not?

Does the sight of my penis

really upset you that much?

-I'll see you at the wake. -[door slams]

Chief mourners in this first car.

Everyone else to the rear, please.

Roxy, the fuck you doing in there?

It's what she would have wanted.

Everybody happy? Lovely.

[car engine starts]

I'm sorry, Norman, it's not for me.

Call me conventional,

but I can't go around with my privates on parade.

-It's just not me. -OK.

OK, but promise me one thing:

you won't close your mind to possibilities.

Because life's an exploration, Carol.

You never know what you'll like unless you try it.

Mm, what have you got in mind?

I'm sorry, Mummy.

-I won't do it again. -[whip cracks]

Nothing too outrageous.

Kev, I know everybody's probably said it,

but if there's anything I can do...

Ta.

["You Have Been Loved" playing]

Oi, Karen,

can you get some decent music sorted?

♪ Cruel world We've so much to lose... ♪

[indistinct chatter]

Did you know her, Kev's mum?

-Not really. -[music stops]

She was mad as mustard.

They were never that close, Kev's family.

["Walking on Sunshine" playing]

Debbie!

[Frank] No, you see, suicide

is part of the natural ebb and flow.

Used to be wars and famine, but now it's miserable bastards

chucking themselves off tower blocks.

They're just lightening the load, making sure there's enough space left

-for the rest of us. -[Katie coos]

You think I'm talking bollocks, don't ya?

Well, let me tell you something, smart-arse,

she's a mistake, nobody fucking ordered her,

-she just arrived. -So?

So, to equal each mistake, someone has to check out early.

[Ian] So, what about the people who can't have kids?

-Like Kev and Veronica. -[Katie cooing]

Does someone come back to fucking life?

Natural selection, Darwin.

Fucking 2001.

Who'd want to see the offspring of that pair of fucking reprobates?

It'd come out looking like Jiminy Cricket!

[Katie coos]

♪ Whoa-oh ♪

♪ I'm walking on sunshine... ♪

[door unlocks]

♪ I'm walking on sunshine ♪

♪ Whoa-oh ♪

You don't have to hate me, you know, Veronica.

Just because he used to fall at my feet,

it doesn't mean anything.

It's how he feels now that matters.

[paper towel rustling]

♪ I used to think Maybe you loved me ♪

♪ Now I know that it's true... ♪

["Can't Get You Out of My Head" playing]

♪ I just can't get you out Of my head ♪

♪ Boy, your lovin' Is all I think about ♪

♪ I just can't get you out Of my head ♪

♪ Boy, it's more than I dare To think about... ♪

[wedding bells]

[laughter]

♪ I just can't get you Out of my head ♪

♪ Boy, your lovin' is... ♪

Oi!

Remember me? I know it must be hard

prizing yourself away from tarty tits,

-but I'm your fucking wife! -Veronica.

Fuck off. I mean, I know your game, love. Eh?

I've met your type before.

Nice as pie then shaft ya in ya back.

Well, he's my husband now,

so you can take your pretty face

-and go and get fucked! -Veronica.

-Get the fuck off. -[Roxy] Your husband?

You wanna check the marriage certificate?

-Last time I looked, it said Roxy Ball. -Ancient history, sweetheart.

-Funny how he never got a divorce! -You were in fucking prison!

Or maybe he just wanted a proper woman.

Someone who could give him kids!

You poisonous fucking bitch!

-[gasping] -[Roxy] Fuckin' hell!

[Veronica] You malicious fucking Geordie tart! Come on!

[Frank] Here we go.

-[urn shattering] -[Veronica and Roxy yelling]

-[Ian] Marty, help us out! -[Marty] Veronica, leave her alone!

Get off me! Get the fuck off me!

-[Ian] Leave it out! -[Marty] Leave her alone!

Come on! Come on, ya slag!

I'll fuckin' have ya! [panting]

If I'd have fought back... you'd be dead!

[spits]

Take 'er home.

♪ I just can't get you Out of my head... ♪

Get off!

♪ Boy, your lovin' Is all I think about... ♪

There's ya mum.

Think I got most of 'er.

♪ ...out of my head ♪

♪ Boy, it's more than I dare To think about ♪

♪ There's a... ♪

-[door creaks] -[Kev] Roxy?

♪ ...secret in me... ♪

You OK?

I'm sorry. That shouldn't have happened.

Not here at ya mam's wake.

Wasn't your fault.

♪ In your heart ♪

♪ Set me free... ♪

Can't believe she's gone.

I know we weren't close, but...

she was me mam...

...and I'm never gonna see her again.

Do you wanna talk about her?

[Veronica groans]

[continues groaning]

[groans]

[exhales]

[groans]

Kev?

[puts earring on table]

Kev?

[children chattering outside]

[Kev] I'm thinkin' bachelor pad.

Somewhere to put me head down when you're getting on me nerves.

You bastard!

Fuck!

Veronica!

Veronica!

Fuck! Veronica!

Veronica, wait!

It's not how it looks! Come 'ere, nothing happened.

-Get away from me! -Come 'ere.

-Listen to me! -Get away and stay away!

Because it's over, Kev.

It's over.

[eerie music]

[window locks]

Veronica?

Fuck's sake. Will you just 'ear me out?

Nothing happened!

-What's going on? -Well, what's it look like?

She's booted me out.

She's booted you out? After last night?

She caught me and Roxy at me mam's place.

-Kev, you didn't-- -Look, nothing happened!

You and Roxy, same bed, and nothing happened?

-Veronica! -What the bloody hell?

Carol, will you talk to Veronica? She's thrown him out.

-And say what? -Something. They're splitting up.

Never get involved with a domestic. No one ever thanks you for it.

Come on, Norm.

[Kev] Veronica.

Did ya do it, Kev?

Did you shag her, Roxy?

Truth?

[clicks tongue] We started...

but I stopped it.

Not cos of guilt.

I just needed someone there...

you know?

Someone who cared.

[inhales]

I had a sly wank, though, when she'd gone to sleep.

[Lip and Ian chuckle]

Well, you’ve got to, haven't ya?

[Lip chucking]

-[knocking on door] -Veronica!

[clanking]

[Debbie] Veronica, open the door!

[clanking]

[sobs]

[glasses clinking]

Hi. Party round at Martika's. Thought you might wanna join me.

-Can't, Rox, I'm working. -Grief does funny things to people.

-Tell 'em ya not feeling well. -Oi, oi.

She's thrown me out because of last night.

-It's OK. -No, it's not OK.

Far fucking from it.

Everything's gone down the shitter.

[ "Don't Leave Me This Way" playing]

[glasses clinking]

Not everything, Kev. You haven't lost everything.

Look, there's something I shoulda told ya about us.

Well, about you.

What?

It's not you that's infertile, Kev.

At least, you weren't with me.

-[Debbie] Carl! -[Carl] Get off! Marty, help!

[Marty] I'm trying to watch this.

-[Carl] Marty, help! -[Marty] Get off!

-[audience applauding on TV] -[Marty] Is it done?

Thanks, Debs, and-- and no offence...

but I need to speak to Fiona.

She don't live 'ere anymore.

[laughter on TV]

Her new number's on the pinboard.

Party best. [giggles]

'Ow do I look? [giggles]

Honest opinion not required.

What's the occasion?

Showing her off to some friends of mine.

Special night... for a special lady. [kisses]

[Carol] Don't wait up.

[Norman chuckles]

-[Carol whoops] Norman! -[Norman chuckles]

I'm fine.

Thanks for asking.

[Kev] Jesus. A kid?

[sighs] I've been for tests.

I thought I couldn't have 'em.

But why didn't you tell me?

You know what I was like back then. I...

I suppose I saw it as revenge.

Had him adopted off at two months.

Little boy.

Ryan.

Ryan?

[Roxy] I wasn't fit, Kev. I-- I could barely look after meself,

let alone a baby.

But your mam was brilliant.

She looked after all the paperwork, and--

and made sure he went to a good home.

Me mam knew?

[sighs]

He'd be ten this Easter.

Got any photos of him?

Did he look like me?

Yeah, a bit.

Around the eyes.

-Like piss holes in the snow. -Oh.

He'd be a good-looking kid just like his daddy.

[Norman] This looks like the spot.

There's not a house in sight. We're in the middle of nowhere.

Who said anything about houses?

You said...

"party," friends of yours, "dress to impress."

Who needs bedrooms,

when you've got the great outdoors?

See that car over there?

That's Marian and Phil. Nice couple.

He's a landscape gardener.

Did my patio last summer, lovely job.

They do anal, doggy, and fisting.

They're not into orgies.

-You're not seriously suggesting-- -Open your mind, Carol.

Let go of the fear.

Live pornography...

inches away from ya.

Oh, it's like nothing you've ever experienced.

[breathes deeply]

There's, er, there's no touching...

and, er, no photography.

But if you wanna whack yourself off

while you're watching, no-one's gonna protest.

Take me home.

What? Why?

The penis salad was one thing, but this...

-Where are ya goin'? -Home!

-[Norman] Carol, Carol. -[door closes]

They'll think we're timewasters!

[door opens]

[moaning]

-[woman moans] -[man] Yes. Yes.

-[man] That's it, that's it. -[woman moans]

[both moaning]

[man moans] Oh, yes.

-[man] Oh, yeah. Yeah. -[Karen moans]

-Don't mind me. -Kev!

What? You scared the shit outta me,

I thought we had fuckin' ghosts.

-Who's he? -I work 'ere.

-Who the fuck are you? -Mate of mine. Tim.

Jim!

How else am I suppose to get any? If I take anybody upstairs,

Jez is listening at the fucking door.

[Jez] Karen, is that you, love?

Jesus, get down there.

[footsteps descending]

Is he bothering ya?

No, er, I came down for a drink, and, erm...

Kev thought I was an intruder.

Well, she's not. She lives here.

And I'd like to see her back where she belongs. With me.

I know your mum's died, Kev...

but you can only use that excuse for so long.

Looks like it's just me and you, mate.

Fancy a pint?

-[glass thuds] -You accommodate it, you know...

[burps] ...the idea that you're shooting blanks,

it becomes a part of who you are.

And then suddenly... [claps hands]

...wallop!

Everything's turned upside down,

and you dunno know how to feel,

but it's like a million different feelings all at once.

Suddenly everything is under the microscope...

you know, me whole future.

Who do I love? What do I want?

I need to have a family of me own.

You know, I'm one of them blokes.

It's like this fucking great big hole that has to be filled.

-[sniffs] -Are you with me?

Absolutely, mate, absolutely.

-[glasses thud on bar] -The other thing, Tim...

-[Jim] Jim. -Sorry.

I mean, I don't know about you, but...

-[bell rings] -[indistinct chatter]

You look like death.

You could've at least brushed your hair.

Do you even care? [laughs]

Do you give the smallest shit what happens to me?

Of course I care!

But life goes on, Veronica.

I've split up with Norman,

but you don't see me moping around.

We've been together ten years!

He was me fucking life!

What do you expect, you stupid old bitch?

Now stop that. Take that back.

That's no way to speak to your mother.

Start behavin' like one,

and I'll start speaking to ya like one.

And what's that supposed to mean?

You're my mum!

[sobbing] Make it better.

Make it all all right again.

[sobs]

I don't know what y--

[sobs]

Well... well...

what do you expect me to do about it?

[sobs]

Carol, fuck off.

-[Veronica sobbing] -[Yvonne] Come on, come on.

-[sobs] -[bell rings]

He's all I had in the world.

-[Yvonne] I know. -[sobs]

[door closes]

[sobbing] I only came in for bog roll.

[Mandy] Have a good time?

[Lip] Loved it.

She's amazing.

Even the crying didn't bother me.

[Mandy] You wanna try it every night.

-Let me then. -[dogs barking]

Let me have her more often.

Weekends.

-I want to. -You don't.

-[Katie coos] -You wouldn't.

-And you can't. -[Katie cries]

Apart from anything, me mum wouldn't allow it.

[Katie coos]

-[Katie grumbling] -The fuck you doing?

Mum, dad, baby.

-[Katie grumbling] -[Lip sighs]

Just wanted to see how it feels.

You're off your head, you.

[slot machine beeping]

You fucking moron!

Oh, nice to see you, too, Yvonne.

Veronica has told me everything.

You deserve your bollocks chopping off.

-I didn't shag her. -[glasses clink]

No, but you spent the night there, didn't ya?

Talking and cuddling. That's worse!

In which universe?

Kev. You're gonna lose the best thing that's ever happened to you,

-and ya stood 'ere like piffy! -Givin' her some cooling space.

How does a few hundred miles grab ya?

["Made of Stone" playing]

-You what? -She's leaving. Tomorrow.

Fiona's invited her to Amsterdam.

If you've got any sense, you'll pull your finger out of ya arse,

-and get round there. -Will you cover for an hour?

The very man. I thought we could spend the day together.

-No, Roxy, we can't. -Oh, stop trying to fight it, Kev.

I know for a fact you can't resist me.

Get it into your thick skull.

The other night meant nothing.

Our marriage means nothing.

And what about ya child, Kev?

Does that mean nothing?

Right now?

Yes.

Double vodka.

No ice.

[sad music]

She's round at ours.

She won't come back until you've gone away.

Does everyone over there hate me?

No one hates ya.

We just wish it wasn't happening.

-It's sad. -Mm.

You're Kev and Veronica.

You're like bangers and mash.

-Fish and chips. -[chuckles]

Vodka and tonic.

Important lesson in life, Debs...

sooner or later, men always fuck it up.

I know.

Yeah, and if I were you, I'd become a lesbian.

[chuckles] I'll bear that in mind

[chuckles]

[Karen] You'll be all right, Jez. You'll be all right.

Your fucking wife did this!

-Why fucking serve her? -Because we're a fucking pub!

After everythin' I told ya, Karen?

I'm not a social worker, Kev.

If people order drinks, I assume they can handle 'em.

-She's an alcoholic! -Oh, I know that now!

She nearly polished off the whole bottle.

Then she starts calling me all kinds of slag,

and accusing me of being in love with you.

-You what? -That was when Jez stepped in.

[sniffles] It was horrible.

-It was really horrible. -Oh, it's all my fault.

[sniffles] No, it's mine.

-I should've told ya. -Told me what?

The letters.

The ones she wrote to your mam whilst she was in prison.

I've been reading through 'em.

She's obsessed with ya. Like, delusional.

And it seems that your mam played along with her fantasy.

Oh, what fantasy?

You and Roxy back together, house, kids, happy ever after.

What does it say in the letters? Does it mention us having a nipper?

-Who? -Me and Roxy. Years ago.

-She gave it up for adoption. -Not that I've read.

-Well, how far through are you? -I've got a life, ya know,

and they are not exactly Bridget Jones!

Oh, and I don't think Jez'll want you staying here tonight.

♪ Be gentle with This heart of mine... ♪

[Norman] I'm a sexual being, Carol.

Always have been.

And asking me to change that...

is like asking the daisies not to flower in the springtime.

But I'm also a man who listens to his heart...

and this beating old drum of mine

is telling me I'd be foolish to let you go.

I love you, Carol Fisher...

and if that means compromise, then compromise it is.

You, Norman Owens,

are the most wonderful man I've met in years.

[Norman] Oh.

I'd just like to say...

as long as it's within the confines of these walls...

I'm very open-minded.

[Norman grunts and chuckles]

[Norman chuckles]

[Sue] Oh, I wish I were going with ya.

Will you give this to our Fiona?

As long as it's not something I have to explain at Customs.

-[Fiona chuckles] -We've all written letters.

There's some few recent photos in there and stuff.

-Yeah. Tell her we miss her. -And ask her when she's coming home.

[Veronica] Hey, you.

It's not forever.

Just for a couple of months, till I get me head sorted.

OK?

[Carol screams]

What the...?

[screaming continues]

-Mind! -What the bloody--

-Get him! -[Marty] Hey!

-Oh! -Hey, come 'ere!

-[Norman mumbling] -Cunt! Come here, ya dirty--

-[Carol groans] -Mum, what's the matter?

Oh, no. Don't look at me.

[Carol] I'm too ashamed.

Carol, what's he done to ya?

I'm a disgusting human being.

[sobs]

I only wanted to please him, Veronica.

He said it w--

was an erotic massage.

If I'd any idea--

[Veronica] What the bleedin' hell has he done?

[Sue] Carol, what is it?

[sobs]

He went to the bathroom on me.

-[sobs] -[Veronica] Oh, Jesus!

[Carol sniffles] You're right...

I am a terrible mother.

-[Veronica] Oh. -[sobs]

It's all right, just...

go and get in shower. Come on.

-[sobs] -[sighs]

[continues sobbing]

[Veronica] Pack it in, ya knobheads!

[kids laughing]

[Lip groans in disgust]

-[Lip cries in disgust] -[all laugh]

[sirens in distance]

[birds tweeting]

[sighs]

[paper rustling]

[knocking on door]

[sniffles]

-[groans] -Fuckin' bitch!

You fucking whore! You stole him, he's mine!

[Roxy] You fuckin' bitch!

Get the fuck out of my fucking house, you slag!

I'll fucking have you, you-- Fuck!

[Veronica] Get the fuck out!

-[pots clattering] -[Roxy] Fucking stupid bitch!

-Fucking come on, then! -[Veronica] Come on!

-[Roxy] You fucking bitch!

-Come on, then! -I'm gonna fucking kill ya!

[Veronica] Get out of my... -[glass shatters]

-Fuck's that? -[Lip] It's at yours. Must be Veronica.

-[thumping] -[Veronica and Roxy yelling]

[Roxy] ...slag, you! Come on, then!

Get her off me!

-Get off me! -[Roxy] Fuck off!

-[Kev] Grab 'em. -[Roxy] Get the fuck off of me!

-[pots clattering] -Come on, then!

I'll kill the fucking lot of yas!

Starting with her!

You'll have to go through me first.

Cos I'd rather die than lose her.

-You don't mean that. -Try me.

[Roxy panting]

Wouldn't kill the father of ya child, would you, Roxy?

You made it up, didn't ya?

How could you lie about something like that?

Crazy fucking bitch.

-[screams] -[glass shatters]

Nobody attacks my daughter.

I'll call the police.

-[chatter on police radio] -Fuck off!

Come on now, settle down.

-Settle down. -Calm down.

-Stop struggling. -Leave me alone.

You're doing yourself no favors.

Fuck off!

[male officer] That's right. Now into the car. Watch your head.

I made a mistake.

I'd just lost me mam.

I was confused.

We didn't have sex. I couldn't.

It's not the point, is it?

-You wanted to. -No, it meant nothing.

None of it.

But the last few days has made me realize...

what we've got...

me and you...

it's like gold dust...

and to lose that...

I may as well go up to me mam's flat,

and chuck meself off, cos I swear, Vee...

I'd be nothing without you.

[gulps]

Gotta get to the airport.

Plane leaves at two.

-Marty's giving us a lift. -Don't do this, Vee.

I have got no choice!

Everything we had was based on trust.

And you have ruined that.

We will never go back to the way it was before.

We will, I swear.

Look, it won't happen overnight, but--

It won’t but give it time.

Veronica, you-- We can make this work.

I'll get a divorce.

We'll-- we'll get married.

Me and you. We'll do it proper this time.

Then we can start a family, and have a kiddie, and that.

IVF, adoption, whatever it takes.

I can make you happy.

Just gimme a chance.

Please, give me one more chance.

Right. [exhales]

I'm set. [panting]

Bye, then.

Shame we never had that nipper.

I'd love to have seen its face.

The only kid I ever want's with you.

[sobbing] How the fuck can I leave?

[sobbing]

[sobbing continues]

[sniffles]

Ready?

One, two, three.

[Veronica] Ya know what they say:

If you wanna give God a laugh,

tell him your plans.

My philosophy is,

never get too comfy,

because it doesn't matter who you are,

if the whirlwind comes your way...

it's gonna tear your world apart...

and the only thing you can do...

is cling on tight.

Suppose you're fucking happy, aren't ya?

When did all this turn into a war?

I thought me and you could've had something.

Fuck is my Mandy?

You're dealing drugs from her pram?

I didn't want to have to be the one to tell you but...

Our Carl's got a job.

[Lip] You're growing weed for the Maguires?

[Ian] Drug squad, all over the estate.

[Carl] I can handle meself.

-[Mimi] Start saying your prayers... -[woman screams]

...cos Carl's fucking dead!