Original subtitles

[Frank] Now, nobody's saying the Chatsworth Estate

is the Garden of Eden, but it's been a good home to us,

to me, Frank Gallagher, and me kids, who I'm proud of,

cos every single one of 'em reminds me a little of me.

See, they can all think for themselves,

which they've got me to thank for.

[Lip] Quick, leg it!

[Frank] Lip, who's a bit of a gobshite,

which is why nobody calls him Phillip anymore.

Ian, lot like his mam, which is handy for the others,

cos she's disappeared into thin air.

And Carl. We daren't let him grow his hair for two reasons.

One, it makes it stand on end and makes him look like Toyah.

Two, nits love him.

Debbie! Sent by God, total angel.

You've to check your change,

but she'll go miles out of her way to do you a favor.

Plus lickle Liam, who's gonna be a star someday.

Sheila, me bird. Couldn't be happier.

One plate short of a full set, like.

And fantastic neighbors, Kev and Veronica.

Lend you anything. Well, almost anything.

Carol and Marty, the lodgers from hell.

Last of the lonely hearts and a psychologist's wet dream.

Still, nobody's perfect.

But all of 'em, to a man, know first and foremost

one of the most vital necessities in life is,

they know how to throw a party!

[chuckles] Scatter!

[Sheila] I was always a terrible sleeper

before I met Frank.

I used to have a recurring nightmare where I was trapped

in a roll of carpet

when I was due to turn on the Christmas lights in Copenhagen,

home of the Little Mermaid.

It's such a lovely story, The Little Mermaid.

She loved the prince so much she agreed to lose her voice

so she could marry him.

Anyway, since Frank and I have been an item

I haven't had the nightmare once.

I like to think it stopped because once I'd met Frank,

all my dreams had come true. Well, almost all.

The only thing I've got left to dream about...

is the day I say "I do".

I've put the truncheon on a boil wash.

[gasps]

-[explosion] -[glass shatters]

[glass falling]

[clatter]

[loud smash]

Oh. Fucking Countdown.

Ow. [grunts]

[Lip] Don't be long, babe.

Fuck you doing there? Out of supplies.

-[clicks tongue] Bingo. -Those are mine, actually!

Fuck off. Expiry date June '06.

I don't think so. [chuckles]

[Debbie] OK, from now on, it's a two-slice limit on toast.

That's per person, otherwise,

the bread budget's just a big joke.

[moaning from upstairs]

-Hello? -Yeah, more toast, ta.

What are you doing sleeping outside?

-Ask Carl. -Have you had a fight?

-Only with himself. -Hey!

Good night, Carl? Surprised you got a wink of sleep.

-[Carol] Burn! -Shit! Fire!

[Carol] Burn! Bloody hell fire.

Oi! What was that in aid of?

Look, I'm sorry, Carol, I just reacted.

I thought it were Marty. Fuck are you burning?

Memories. Suit of my dead husband.

Betrayed from beyond the grave. Man-made fiber, drip-dry.

Shall I make you a coffee

or will I be disturbing the crime scene?

I know what it's like in CSI.

Nah, it's OK, Sheila.

Have you had chance to sort out what's missing?

[Sheila] That's the funny thing.

I don't know if they were disturbed or--

Oh! Oh, my God! They've taken my Countdown mug!

Frank! Frank!

[under breath] Oh, bloody hell...

[shouts] Oh, bloody hell!

[sobs]

Well, he definitely came in the bedroom.

Looks like he tried to disguise himself an' all.

Oh, no, that's mine.

Fucking idiot! If you'd left that thing out

I'd probably have thought it was a truncheon.

That's funny, you've just broken my dream.

Oh, Tony, love. It's an easy mistake to make.

For me, you mean. It's no wonder girls--

women don't fancy us. It's like they smell it on me, Sheila.

It's no joke at my age, is it?

Aw.

Thieves!

Hiya.

All right, Carol, love?

Looks like your Marty's getting on OK.

Suits uniform, don't he?

Carol, what's wrong?

[Carol] You of all people. Stay away from me.

[man over radio] Shoplifter. Aisle Two. Beige coat. Female.

Roger, received, proceeding to aisle two.

Carol, what's wrong? What is it?

Her.

-Carol? -[Marty] Are you sure?

Mum! Fuck! She doesn't look like someone

-who'd do something-- -Just stop her!

[Lillian] Carol?

Carol?

What the hell are you doing, Marty? Let go of me!

Keep hold of her!

For the love of God, Marty, I haven't done anything!

Mum! Shoplifter!

You!

Well, they're not pressing charges.

Five pots of Chicken Tonight and a lemon zester.

What were you playing at, Mum?

I suppose it's too much to expect a bit of moral support

-from me own flesh and blood. -It was Marty's first day!

When did he ever keep a job for more than five minutes?

Anyway, if you're looking for somebody to blame, blame her.

Penny to a pound it was her that tipped off the manager.

Lillian?

She's your best mate. Why would she do a thing like that?

I found it in the pocket of that suit of your dad's.

Christ. You always said you thought he were dipping

-his wick Jubilee year. -Yeah, but with what's-her-name.

Terrible teeth. You'd be too young to remember.

We were as thick as thieves, Veronica,

Lillian and Brendan and me and your dad.

-Oh, Mum. -Oh, don't you worry about me.

I'm not one to sit idly by.

[Carol] As ye sow, so shall ye reap.

You mark my words.

Yes, hello. I'd like to report someone for benefit fraud.

Chatsworth Estate, Meadowbank Road.

Yes, that's right. Number 28.

Fucking scum.

Benefit fraud? Who do they think they're having on, eh?

That's Big Brother, innit? Orwell, 1984.

"Sex Crime! Sex crime!" Course poor bugger'd know

all about that, George Orwell, real name, Eric Blair,

life-long socialist, so no relation to Tony.

Three ninety-five, Frank.

It's the thin end of the wedge, you know.

Kev, what is it? It's roots to whatcha-ma-call-it.

If you drive a wedge into the community

you can do what you like, can't ya?

It's how Hitler started.

They're after Lillian now. Fucking twat!

Some cunt called in, didn't they?

Looked at that poster and thought: "I know."

"I'll fuck her up." Why?

[coughs]

-[Veronica] All right, Mum? -Peanuts.

Keep repeating on me again. Should've known better.

They're not even paying! Is that what it's come to?

Cos if it is, fucking Bin Laden's won,

hasn't he? Agincourt, Dunkirk, Live Aid.

Bomb the lot, may as well start again.

I hear there's a push on.

It's not just them posters, Frank.

They're not relying on anybody calling in.

-As if anybody would. -Well, yeah.

No, apparently, they're looking into everyone round here

-who's claiming. -Well, I'm fucked then!

[Jez] You and half the fucking estate.

We're off.

[indistinct chatter]

Where did you hear that, then, Mum?

Down the community center.

Yeah. Yeah, soon as you can, yeah.

[indistinct chatter]

Are you not a bit worried, Frank?

Plight of the common man, mate.

It's never over till the fat lady fucks you over.

Anyway, fuckers can't get me, can they? I'm dead.

Yeah, but haven't you and Lillian been claiming for her Brendan?

Fuck.

Waste of money that was, went down like a fucking lead balloon.

Whoa-ho!

[Nick] Right, guys. Half the estate are scattering,

-they're ours for the taking. -Fucking parasites.

[Nick] You fit then? Let's go!

[Nick] Let's knock on every door.

[Debbie] Carl! It's Mrs Pierce for ya!

What does she want?

Can you ask her what she wants?

What did your last slave die of?

Christ alive, Carl! What've they been feeding ya,

Baby Bio? We've had a call from the Social.

-Another one? -I know.

Thought we'd sorted it out last time you were round.

-Can you come, love? -Yeah, whatever.

Still a tenner is it?

Now, then. Can you confirm that there is a child under 18

permanently resident at your address?

-Twenty-six Meadowbank Road? -Yes, we can.

And that you are the parent or approved guardian of that child?

Last time we looked, eh, Dad?

That's a yes, then. And you are currently claiming

child benefit for Nathan Andrew Pierce.

That's correct.

He's a big lad for ten, isn't he, Nathan?

Don't know where he came from, do we Dad?

New pair of trainers every five minutes.

Yep, that's secure.

Eh, you've done a good job there, Sheila. They won't be bothering you again.

Taught myself to be handy with a power tool.

Never looked back, really.

Never really got into DIY myself.

You see, I'm too quick, right? It's like, I'm in there

and I'm trying to stop myself,

you know, I'm thinking of, oh, I dunno,

all the teams ever managed by Graham Souness,

or fucking Graham Souness, but it's like being in a road accident,

and I'm flooring the brakes but nothing's stopping me and then...

Yeah. Through the windscreen.

Gone in sixty seconds. Five, if I'm lucky.

No-one's exactly coming back for more.

Oh, Tony, love.

Squeeze technique works like a charm.

Eddie, you know, Karen's dad,

he was a ten-second wonder when we first got together.

And you're practically family, aren't ya?

Better now? That's better. That's right.

-[grunts] Fucking hell, Sheila! -Oh, sorry, sorry.

Don't know me own strength.

[breathes heavily]

-OK? -Yeah. OK.

[fapping]

I got Eddie up to a good five minutes before he had to

move into the spare room.

Now, that was a wedding that should never have been.

I knew the moment I woke up on the day.

Locum had to come and give me an injection

to see me through the vows. You could see on the video.

-I thought I'd married the vicar. -[moans]

Oops! [laughs] Sorry, sorry. Lapse of concentration.

Never mind, it's a polyester blend.

Chuck it in the wash.

There you go.

[sighs] OK.

[indistinct chatter]

You say you're the landlord, mock up the rent book

and they can't do you for housing benefit, right?

Nice one.

He'll just be a minute. It's cash in advance.

Oh, Carl, I told Emily you'd be her brother.

They've got a visit round theirs, yeah?

-They paying? -Fuck off, she's me girlfriend.

It's a favor.

I don't mind.

[Lip] Next.

[Debbie] Thank you.

Now, we've been claiming for her dad...

Cheers, Lillian, love. We'll soon set the buggers right, eh?

You don't mind me borrowing your husband, do ya, Sheila?

Course you can. -Dinner time tomorrow then.

He's not, anyway. My husband, that is.

Fucker's trying to catch you out. See if we eat together...

I'll get a bit of ham in.

[chuckles] I knew I was right to marry you.

-[Lillian] Ta-ra. -Ta-ra, love. No Spam.

I don't think I like it, Frank. Dead man's shoes.

Terms and conditions, Sheil. I mean, I've been getting half

of Brendan's disability, it's the least I can do, innit?

This doesn't feel right to me, though,

cracking on that you're married. It's like tempting fate.

So, Miss, erm, Jackson, you've been reported as working

behind the bar here while claiming unemployment benefit

-and housing benefit. -Yeah.

Well, she helps me out from time to time, don't you honey?

That's all.

I mean, wouldn’t your girlfriend do the same for you?

Well, if she did, and we were living together,

she'd be unable to claim benefit under current regulations,

I'd be assumed to be supporting her.

Well, it's not our problem that society won't recognize

our relationship. We know how we feel...

don't we, Karen, love?

Oh, hi. Mum, he's here!

[woman speaking indistinctly on TV]

[Emily] You've got to be Dom, my brother, yeah?

The one with the ASBO.

He lives in Stockport with me dad, but they think he lives with us.

This is Mum, me stepdad, Troy, Lip's little brother.

-Hiya, love. -[tuneful ring tone]

-You hear that? That is so shit. -Sounds all right to me.

Yeah? No, can't for a bit. I'll text you.

All right.

It's a piece of shit. I totally fucking hate it.

Saw this 3G mobile they've just got in when I was in town.

Ah, it's that lush, dead light, tiny, yeah, thin,

but really good picture quality.

Makes yours look like a fucking piece of shit, Troy.

Better start saving up then, hadn't ya?

-Will you tell him? -Don't wind her up, Troy.

Have you asked him if he wants a cappuccino?

No, I'm all right, thanks.

Fuck you looking at?

Thanks very much, Linda.

-Cheers, love. -Cheers, Shirley. Ta very much.

See you later, Emily! -[door slams]

-It's 3G, yeah? -Where's the video bit?

I'll only charge you a tenner for it.

What you roping our Carl in for, Smeggy?

Nothing. I was helping him with his homework.

Yeah, listen, tell Debbie I won't be in later.

I said I'd do a rent book. I'm going round Emily's.

-Ta-da! Brendan Tyler lives! -Mind out on me floor!

[knock on door]

Mayday, Mayday, Mayday. Dive, Dive, Dive.

Wish me luck, babes!

What's he wearing all that for?

Outside! Outside! Shoes on me floor!

Oh, right!

[panting]

[fapping]

[Sheila] Lillian was round this morning.

Frank's asked for some photos of her.

-Can you relax your grip a bit? -Do you want to see why?

Yeah.

Sheila, it's a bit tight.

They reckon it's for the Social. To add authenticity, Frank says.

Makes you think though, doesn't it?

Made me think anyway, seeing it.

He's never asked me, you know, Tony.

That should be me there. It should be me!

-[screams] Sheila! -I'm sorry.

It's just it would be the happiest day of my life.

Well, maybe you should talk to Frank about it, you know,

tell him how you feel.

I don't know, pop the question yourself.

Oh, no.

It's a man's job to propose, isn't it?

Eh, minute and a half! That's a lot better.

OK, you ready?

Ready?

-Now. -[groans]

See? Much better.

[Carl] Emily, I really wanted to, erm-- Yeah--

I found this, but I really wanted to give it ya.

For Christ's sake, Carl, give it a rest will ya?

I weren't doing owt!

Sooner you get yourself laid, right,

sooner I can get a proper night's sleep!

What's-her-name, Jason Digby's sister,

she'll suck anybody off.

Yeah, right! Even Jason Digby's sister's not that fucking desperate.

I weren't doing owt!

I, erm, wanted to give it ya. There isn't a video bit--

Just got an upgrade.

Jada might give you a fiver for it.

-[kid 1] I want a turn. -[kid 2] Give it!

-I want a turn. -It's mine!

-[kid 1] Come on... -You can't just fucking barge in here.

We're looking for Dom Lawson?

Don't you lot ever talk to each other?

We've sorted all this out, haven't we, Troy?

Your son is here, Mrs Lawson?

You're looking at him, now what's your fucking problem?

-Fuck's that? -Condition of your bail, Dominic.

Bail? What you on about?

Maybe, if you'd bothered to turn up for the hearing--

Don't start on me, you sanctimonious old twat!

Since the ASBO's clearly failed to control your son,

and he's now been charged with a crime,

the court's taken the decision to tag him.

Make sure he stays at home.

You're mental, you are.

They keep them things on for, like, months.

Yeah, but Dom'll be back next week, won't he?

He's gone to one of them Slavvy countries with his dad,

picking up some knock-off DVDs. Hang on. Ellerby Road.

-And? -I'm not allowed, tag'll go off.

[Debbie sighs]

[Debbie] What if the tag goes off?

[Carl] Cops'll come and get me. I'm supposed to stay at Emily's,

and ring 'em so they can check up on me.

-[Debbie] Dream come true. -What's that supposed to mean?

-You fancy Emily, don't ya? -Fuck off! Do I fuck!

[Debbie] Lip'll break up with her in a few weeks.

He always does.

Or they chuck him. Bet ya anything.

Thing is, though, a girl like Emily. I mean,

learn to drive before you set your heart on the Ferrari, Carl.

Do you think I need a car?

[woman laughs]

In the end, right, there's either chemistry or there isn't.

It's all to do with the way you smell.

They've tested it on chimps.

Where the fuck are we?

[tag beeping]

Shit!

Frank! Frank! Sheila! Come over here!

-I think you're wanted. -What?

-Come over here. Come on. -Lillian.

Come on.

You all right, love? I've got your money.

[laughs]

Married for 40 years, never a cross fucking word.

[Frank laughing]

[Frank] Sheila.

Sheila.

I don't have to sit there having my face rubbed in it,

Frank Gallagher. She's not paying me!

Well, it's got nowt to do with you!

No. Cos I'm nothing, I suppose. Just your bit on the side!

Course y'are!

What? You don't think I'm...

What, Lillian and me?

Fuck off!

Jesus! Twenty-twenty vision, Sheila.

Eh? And I'm in sound mind.

For fuck's sake, sort yourself out, will ya?

I'm sorry. [sighs]

Hey. Come on, you know you shouldn't mix your drinks.

I'm sorry, I know you'd never be unfaithful.

No.

I trust you with my life.

It's just all that being married stuff,

having it thrown back in my face.

I know I shouldn't say it, but...

if I just had a ring on my finger.

Sheila, love. You know, fucking hell,

you know, there is nothing I would like more

than to call you...

Mrs Frank Gallagher.

I don't know, no.

But the-- Yeah!

Yeah, but no, no,

because you're still married to, you know, Eddie the owl,

I'm still married to Monica.

Plus, there's the being dead thing.

We're star-crossed!

The love that dare not speak its name.

No, I mean, I don't blame ya.

-[knocks on counter top] -[screams]

Does me head in. There's not a day goes by. Yeah?

But, you know, I love you to bits, you know that.

Oh, I'm sorry, Frank.

I just thought, you know, cos you never asked.

Sheila Jackson...

will you do me the honor of being my wife?

To have and to hold, for richer and poorer

and all that other shite, till death do us part?

Yes. Oh, Frank, Frank,

I love you so much! I love you so much.

Yeah, yeah... but Monica's a mad Catholic bitch,

you know, she'll never let us go.

Let's go and tell everyone! I'm getting--

[Sheila gasping]

-[Lillian groaning] -The Lord will sit in judgement,

Lillian Tyler!

-Early menopause, my arse! -[indistinct clamor]

-[Jez] Leave it out. -What did you offer him, eh?

-Something he couldn't get at home? -[Kev] Carol!

The way I'd suffered with my piles over Veronica!

-[Kev] Carol! -That was told in confidence!

-[Jez] Lillian! Calm down! -It were the '70s!

-[Jez grunting] -[Carol groans]

May as well leave it for now, eh?

[indistinct clamoring]

[telephone keypad beeping]

You know, I can't say I'm overly impressed with the espresso.

All right, Carl, love?

I've put you a duvet down in Harley's room.

When do you have to ring in again?

-Midnight, then 7:00. -What's going on?

Texted Lip three times this afternoon.

Where the fuck is he? Haven't seen him for two days.

Dunno. He said he were coming round here last night.

Oh, he's probably got another lass on the go.

It's not fucking funny!

All right! I was only having a laugh.

That sensitive. Always been like that, haven't you, chick?

Must've got it wrong about our Lip coming round.

Weren't really listening

You know, we really do appreciate this.

Don't we, Emily?

I see you looking, Lip.

Don't know why blokes think you can't.

Sorry. Only, erm... [chuckles]

I thought you were supposed to get right big tits when you've had a baby.

-Fuck off! She's on bottles. -Breast-feeding's better.

You do it then. Hurts like fuck. Not, like, natural is it?

You can come back and see her, you know?

Just didn't want to wake her up.

Has an eppie every time I put her in her buggy.

You're all right. I've got to, er--

I said I'd go see someone, you know?

Oh, yeah? Still on with Emily Lawson then?

It just, well, suits us both. We don't talk or owt.

To be honest, I think she finds me a bit boring.

Don't knock her up and all.

Might have learned me lesson on that one.

The UB673. You needed to take a whole afternoon for that one.

You can see where the biro ran out. Replaced by UB96.

Mrs Jackson, I can see you've kept excellent records. Really excellent.

I'm satisfied everything's in order at your end.

Is there anything you'd like to ask me?

As a matter of fact,

how would notifying you of a change in my circumstances

affect my eligibility to claim?

[thudding]

If I were to get married.

[Sheila sighs]

[woman over radio] Tony, come in, please.

Domestic at 12 Linton Way.

Tony, come in, please.

Yeah, I'll be there in ten, over.

Neighborhood watch.

[police siren wails]

-[siren wails] -[car engine revs]

Don't let Debbie see ya.

She's talking about one bowl per family member per day.

-You bastard! -Fuck's this, an ambush?

I saw you with that skank Mandy Maguire.

-So what? -That's who you've been seeing, innit?

-Her? -Seeing, yeah.

You're a fucking disgrace, you are.

What's it got to do with you, twat-head?

You're supposed to be going out with Emily!

The only reason I'm seeing Mandy is to see my kid.

It's got nothing to do with Emily.

I didn't see ya with a baby today, though.

Why did you lie you was going round Emily's the other night

if you're not shagging Mandy? Why are you keeping it secret,

if it's just what you said?

Fuck off!

Hiya, I've been waiting ages for you.

Thought you could help me with me maths.

I mean it! [giggling]

-[Lip moaning] -[Emily moaning]

[Lip] Yeah!

[Carl] Dear-- Fuck! Erm...

I really wanted to--

No. no, no, no-- I erm...

Dear-- Dear, Em...

-Oh, God. -[tag beeping]

Shit!

[tag beeping]

Gotta do the tag-- Fuck's sake, let go will ya?

She's ringing the fucking ambulance!

-Fuck you do that for? -He knew! I told him, Emily!

No fucking strikes in this house!

You touch another woman, that's it, you're out!

Didn't have to fucking kill him!

-Oh, shit! -He'd never--

Mum, you know he'd never look at another woman.

Then why have we got crabs in the house, eh?

Someone's been shagging around, Emily, and it's not me.

-Yeah, but-- -It's Lip.

[alert beeping]

Lip's been shagging around.

Fuck's sake-- Sheila?

What the fuck's this?

They've updated all their records, Frank!

-You what? -Mr Anastasiou was ever so helpful.

He said he'd rectify wherever possible.

-Rectify... -Everything!

All your benefits. And they're all backdated. Look.

[Sheila sighs]

Fucking... [chuckles]

Fucking massive!

Top girl.

[chuckling]

Fuck me. Pennies from fucking heaven!

[laughing]

I've been in to the registry office.

They say we've to give them six weeks' notice to post the banns,

but we don't have to have the do there.

But that's all right, I was thinking the Gormley Hotel.

They always do such a lovely buffet.

Yeah, hang on, rewind.

Oh, I'm getting ahead of myself.

Oh, Frank, Eddie's agreed to a divorce.

[Frank chuckles]

Yeah but...

last I heard, you didn't even have an address for him.

Tony gave me a hand, the DVLC computer.

Eddie's happy to sign any papers we want.

So that's him,

you're alive and then there's just Monica.

Surely even Monica wouldn't get in the way

of our happiness, Frank.

Yeah, but, you know, she's a complex character, Monica.

But she can't stand in our way, Frank! She can't!

-[glass smashes] -Fucking hell, Sheila! Where's the--

-Oh, Frank. -Hang on. Jesus!

-[Sheila whimpers] Frank... -Look...

Look, I'll get on the bus and go over there now.

Yeah? Do it in person.

[Sheila sobs]

You know, seize the nettle.

-Sheila, love? I'm onto it. -[crying] Frank. Please.

[sobbing] Frank, Frank, Frank.

All them years! What's a fucking piece of paper?

You can't just--

[Frank groans]

Marriage is a solemn state entered into by a man and a woman.

State, yeah, yeah-- For the fucking state.

Cogs in the fucking wheels.

Plus, the whole thing costs a fucking mint.

Keeps it all going, doesn't it? It's an industry.

Classic. I do, you're fucked.

And all the talking.

What've you been saying to our Emily?

Fuck all. I just said her boyfriend's a scally.

Well, he fucking is, isn't he?

You haven't been using them towels on the landing?

I had a shower.

I put 'em out for a boil wash, they must be crawling.

You can tell your brother he's fucking dead, right?

And he can pay for the stuff from the fucking chemist an' all.

I'm really sorry, Emily. It's just...

Lip, he deserves a twatting. I tried telling him.

I mean, you should be with someone who does stuff for you

and gives you loads of presents and stuff.

You're gorgeous. And I know you, like,

understand stuff, about people, cos you feel things, like what I do.

There's all this stuff I could talk to you about,

stuff in me head.

Yeah, Carl, can you just fuck off?

-Who's he? -Push off, will ya?

And tell Lip not to bother calling me again, yeah?

Hiya.

[car engine starts]

[alarm rings]

Your brother at home then, Carl?

Troy! Troy! It weren't Lip, it were Emily! Troy!

Fuck it!

You can't!

Stop! Troy, stop, it weren't him!

it was Emily with the crabs! She's a slag.

She's been shagging another lad, a lad with a car. She's a slag.

You calling my missus's lass a slag?

She's a fucking slag!

-No! Stop it! -Fuck you doing? Leave 'em alone!

-Fuck off out of it, love. -Hey! I said, leave 'em alone!

And I said, fuck off, before you get hurt!

-It's none of your fucking business! -I'm warning you,

if you don't fuck off now, I'm calling me dad.

And who's your dad, love, Patrick fucking Maguire?

That's right. Mandy Maguire.

Suppose if he's not around, one of me brothers might be free.

No, no, you're all right.

Sorry. Sorry, love.

You never learn, do ya?

I didn't do owt! Somebody's told him I was shagging around.

-You fucking little arse-wipe! -I thought you were shagging Mandy!

-Fuck off! -Even if I did,

I can't believe you'd land me in the shit like that!

Makes a change from you landing everyone else in it!

Hey, hey, hey! Come on.

He could have fucking killed me!

I thought you'd given everyone crabs.

What? So Lip gave Carl crabs?

[baby crying]

Oh. You must've known.

I was just beginning to worry about my tagine.

They say you can't overcook a braise, but there are limits.

I thought we'd have a little celebration.

[pants]

Tell me if I'm being over the top,

but if you can't be over the top for a wedding...

I've got my heart set on a croquembouche,

instead of a fruit cake.

Look, spun sugar all over.

Some people are intimidated by choux pastry, but actually,

it's quite straightforward.

She wasn't in.

Monica.

They were both out, as it happens.

I see.

It's all right, I'll try again tomorrow, eh?

I mean, we've got all the time in the world, haven't we?

I know, Frank. [sighs]

I may be stupid but I'm not blind.

No, yeah, right--

I do know.

To tell you the truth, if I was you I'm not sure

I'd want to marry me either.

I thought, just this once. You know what I'm like.

Had it on me school report once.

"If Sheila had her head in her books

as much as she does in the clouds,

she'd be top of the class."

Never felt like daydreaming,

just felt like I was waiting for something.

I never knew what.

Then you came along, and I knew, I knew just like that.

Sorry.

[Sheila] Erm...

There's a raspberry pannacotta in the fridge,

if you've got room.

It's nicest if you bring it up to room temperature.

I'm a bit shattered.

[crying]

[Sheila crying]

[Norma] Yeah, hello.

Oh, hello, Shre-- Norma, love. It's Frank, Frank Gallagher.

[Norma] What the fuck? What did you just call me?

-Oh, don't start. -No, what did you just call me,

you lanky streak of piss?

-What do you want? -Can I have a word with Monica?

Oh, for fuck's sake.

Here you go, fellas. No, put your money away.

All drinks are on Frank Gallagher.

It's real diamondette, unique design.

See how the stones catch the light, giving it an extra dimension.

Did you get it off QVC, Mum?

Yes! Frank said I could take my pick!

It’s gorgeous.

Look. Look at my ring.

Fuck me, look at him, will ya?

Bit weird, innit? I mean, Mum and Dad getting a divorce.

Compared to what? Crop circles?

Dad living with Sheila? Mum and Norma?

Yeah, I know, but now they're never gonna get back together.

[Carol and Lillian] ♪ Hey ♪

♪ Did you happen to see ♪

♪ The most beautiful girl ♪

♪ In the world ♪

♪ And if you did ♪

♪ Was she crying... ♪

-Normal service has resumed. -Fortunately.

Me mum shagged me Uncle Roy at me Auntie Cath's funeral.

I reminded her.

Well, it sorta put it in its place, you know...

me dad shagging Lillian. It was like he was retaliating.

We're pulling out. Had a call. Head office has costed it out,

we're paying you lot more than when we started.

My numbers on there. You can, you know, bring your friend.

Oh! What are you expecting, a pillow fight?

Don't do us any favors, you spineless little prick.

We're dykes, not fucking wank fodder for pathetic

little twats like you. Go home to your internet, eh?

Oh, and by the way,

my cock's twice the size of yours!

[man] You tell him, Jez.

[cheering, applause]

Kev.

-Bonny kiddie. -Takes after her dad.

You know, Phillip. Phillip...

it's a very special feeling.

Yeah, everyone says that.

No, I don't mean the kiddie, that's bollocks.

I mean, it's a very special feeling you have for

the mother of your children.

I've only got one so far. Not quite in your league.

Yeah, well, whatever happens, they can't take that away

from you, you know, them feelings.

It's like, you know, it's in your bones.

It's like when cancer spreads and they give up

on the fucking chemo.

Oh, Frank, come and have a dance.

Come on. Look at that.

Oh, I love you so much. Come on.

[Frank mumbles] I love you too.

[Sheila] That night in the Jockey,

I felt like the Queen.

Sheila Gallagher, just sounds right, doesn't it?

Like it was meant to be.

Hiya, Kev. Long time no see.

Roxy Ball? She's signed herself Ball!

Well, we are still married, Vee.

-You poisonous fucking bitch. -Fucking hell!

[indistinct arguing]

Does the sight of my penis

really upset you that much?

-How long was she in prison? -Oh, a few years. GBH.

Come on then! I'll kill the fucking lot of ya!

Starting with her.

[moaning, groaning]

[woman] Oh, for the love of Christ, Tony!

Just come, will ya?