Original subtitles

[Frank] Now, nobody's saying the Chatsworth Estate

is the Garden of Eden, but it's been a good home to us,

to me, Frank Gallagher, and me kids, who I'm proud of,

cos every single one of 'em reminds me a little of me.

See, they can all think for themselves,

which they've got me to thank for.

[Lip] Quick, leg it!

[Frank] Lip, who's a bit of a gobshite,

which is why nobody calls him Phillip anymore.

Ian, lot like his mam, which is handy for the others,

cos she's disappeared into thin air.

And Carl. We daren't let him grow his hair for two reasons.

One, it makes it stand on end and makes him look like Toyah.

Two, nits love him.

Debbie! Sent by God, total angel.

You've to check your change,

but she'll go miles out of her way to do you a favor.

Plus lickle Liam, who's gonna be a star someday.

Sheila, me bird. Couldn't be happier.

One plate short of a full set, like.

And fantastic neighbors, Kev and Veronica.

Lend you anything. Well, almost anything.

Carol and Marty, the lodgers from hell.

Last of the lonely hearts and a psychologist's wet dream.

Still, nobody's perfect.

But all of 'em, to a man, know first and foremost

one of the most vital necessities in life is,

they know how to throw a party!

[chuckles] Scatter!

♪ Come, they told me ♪

♪ Pa, rum, pum, pum, pum ♪

[Frank] Now, they say a lie can travel halfway round the world

while the truth is still putting its boots on.

Which is right, because lies are our currency.

Bar's closed for half an hour.

It's our New Year and all, you know!

[Frank] There's white lies and there's black lies.

♪ Pa, rum, pum, pum, pum ♪

And then, there's the totally fucking psychedelic ones,

you know, the ones that knock you sideways

because you never saw them coming.

Dicko! All right, mate?

[Kev] Give me your attention, everyone. Attention.

-[Frank cheers] -Synchronize your watches.

-[laughs] Here they are! -[Kev] Ten, nine, eight...

The fruit, apple of my eye. All four of 'em!

-[all] ...five, four... -I love you like

-the shepherd loves his flock. -[all] ...three, two, one.

[all screaming] Happy New Year!

[all cheering]

[fireworks crackle]

[all singing] ♪ Should auld acquaintance be forgot... ♪

[moaning]

[snorting]

-[moaning] -[Veronica] Oh, fuckin' hell!

[both gasping]

[Veronica chuckles]

[all singing] ♪ For auld lang syne, my dear... ♪

Hey, New Year's resolution.

Smoke more fags.

Twenty a day from now on.

And I wanna do more crappy stripogram work...

and cut out the exercise.

Might as well set realistic ones, eh?

-[chuckles] -Hey, actually,

I have got one for you.

Literacy classes.

You're always going on about how you can't read.

Yeah... but school and homework and that?

I don't think so, Vee.

Unless you wanna be pulling pints for the rest of your life, Kev,

you have gotta put the effort in.

[thumping and moaning]

[chokes]

-Oh, Jesus. -[Carol] What? What is it?

-[Kev] It's your mam! [laughs] -[Geoff] Peanuts.

Have you eaten peanuts?

[Carol] Only a handful to soak up the gin.

-[Geoff choking] I'm allergic. -Shit!

Well, you could have mentioned it!

Help, somebody!

[Kev] What have you done to him?

He's dying. Anapapleptic-- whatsit?

Quick! His throat's swollen up. Get some water, Kev.

[sighs] Two minutes into the New Year, and this happens.

It's a sign.

Don't ever get involved with married men.

It's a golden rule.

-[Veronica] Come on. One more. -Please, God,

don't let this happen to me.

I know I've strayed of recent years,

but I swear, let him live and I'll... I'll come back to you, Lord,

if you just hear me this one special time.

Thank you. [breathing heavily]

-Thank you. -He did it.

He heard.

[women giggling]

Care to help those less fortunate?

Nothing more upsetting than the sight of a sick child.

Just doing our rounds.

It's surprising how generous people are when they're three sheets to the wind.

-[coin rattles] -Bless you.

Deborah, it’s probably not the time,

but you don't happen to know if your parents received

the letters from school, do you? About your Liam?

-I'm not sure. Is it serious? -Well, it is rather, I'm afraid.

The Head's talking exclusion.

Well, Liam's behavior last term became increasingly disruptive.

The nativity play was the final straw.

-Did God send you? -No. God doesn't exist.

-He's a made-up person

and the Bible is all pretend stories to make people be good.

-[audience muttering] -[Mary] God's not real?

We're a Catholic foundation

for the education of Catholic children.

Yeah, but he's only five.

Sinners start very young, Debbie.

Miss Murdoch and myself will be doing a home visit,

ten o'clock, Monday.

If you could just remind your parents, I'd be very grateful.

-Happy New Year. -Happy New Year.

-[woman] Happy New Year. -[Carl] Happy New Year.

[sighs]

[fireworks crackling]

[dog barking]

[police chattering]

Cops! Cops! It's a raid!

Hide your gear. It's a raid, they've got sniffers!

Ian?

-Not tonight! You can't tonight! -Says who?

-[Jez] Says decency! -[crowd groaning]

[police] We have reason to believe that class-A drugs

are being sold and consumed on these premises.

Well, of course they are. It's New Year's Eve!

In.

[indistinct chatter on HT]

Just checking we had enough ice.

You can arrest me any day!

-[dog growling] -[crowd clamoring]

-What's that in your hand? Come here. -Get off.

-Fuck off, Dibble. -Ow!

-[dog barks] -[police] Oi! Grab that one over there.

Hey! Hey! Jesus.

Who fucking trained him to do that?

-You twisted fucking-- -[dog barks]

-[police] Got one here, Sarge. -Oh, for God's sake. Come on.

-♪ We'll meet again ♪ -[woman] Get off him. Leave him alone.

♪ Don't know where Don't know when... ♪

-[police] For God's sake. -♪ Sunshine, but I know... ♪

-[crowd booing] -♪ One sunny day... ♪

[clears throat] Where'd you get the gear, Frank?

Bashton bus stop, Burnage end of Bellsjar Lane.

But-- But I did not do her over.

She was already dead when I nabbed the bag.

Hence, hence...

did I take the purse?

I did not take the purse.

I left the purse where it was out of respect for the fact

she was already stiff as a minger's ring.

Is that cos there was nothing in it?

Yeah.

[snickers]

-Oh, yeah? -And she stank of piss!

So, that's theft... possession...

Debatable, whether you had intent to supply, but--

Supply? Come on.

Fucking-- To who?

It's not looking good for you, Frank.

No. [chuckles] It's not looking good at all.

Unless...

[all singing] ♪ On the good ship Lollipop ♪

♪ It's a sweet trip To the candy shop ♪

♪ Where bon-bons play On the sunny beach... ♪

Fuck off!

[singing continues] ♪ Of Peppermint Bay ♪

♪ On the good ship Lollipop... ♪

Oh, he's going! He's going!

[indistinct chattering, screaming]

[siren wailing]

Hiya, Debbie. Oh, happy New Year.

-Debatable. Is my dad in? -He hasn't been to bed yet.

[doll] Merry Christmas, one and all.

Letters from school. Liam's in big trouble.

They're doing a home visit Monday

and they wanna see one of his parents.

And?

And you're one of his parents.

Dad, this is serious.

If he gets expelled, we'll have social workers sniffing all over us.

All right, all right, all right, what d'you want me to do?

Promise you'll be at ours, Monday, nine-thirty sharp.

-Yeah, I promise. -Promise me you won't forget.

Cross my heart and hope to--

[doll] Merry Christmas, one and...

We've run out of Sprite, so I've done you a vodka.

Here y'are.

Mm-hm.

It's your serotonin.

Winter blues. Everyone gets a bit down in January.

Or it could be the fact that I'm bored,

-knackered, and skint. -Try eating.

I don't want to eat.

Didn't know you was going away.

Spiritual retreat. Purifying my sinful soul.

-What brought this on? -The road to Damascus,

except for me, it was the ladies' lavatory.

I'm just a lonely woman searching for love,

and He understands that.

When I needed Him, God listened.

-God doesn't exist! -Liam!

-He isn't real. -Get up, come on.

You're the only one as'll miss me.

I've got nits. Bloody nits! Jesus! Can things get any worse?

[Liam sing-songing] No God, no God,

-there's no God. -[Debbie] Liam!

Listen to me, and listen good.

-You can't keep saying that about God. -Why not?

Cos it upsets people. Don't say it anymore, OK?

Never again.

And when them nice people from school come on Monday,

you've got to be a very good boy. Do you understand?

[clock ticking]

Sheila, it's Debbie. Is my dad there?

Er, I think he's gone down with the flu.

-Do you want me to get him to call you? -Forget it!

There's nothing more upsetting than the sight of a sick child.

Don't want nits, now, do we?

[clippers whir]

Come in.

Hello, Liam. You have a nice Christmas?

Yes, thank you.

Er, would you like a cup of tea?

Er, no, we're fine, thanks.

We just need a quick chat with your mum and dad

and then we'll be on our way.

Mum and Dad can't make it today.

-They send their apologies. -I'm afraid that won't do.

Three letters have been sent,

and not a single one's been responded to.

The whole point of a home visit

so that we can openly discuss our grievances.

The school governors take a very strong line

-on parental responsibility. -Where are they?

I mean, why have they left this to you?

Surely, you should be in school.

What exactly's going on here, Deborah?

Well, the thing is...

they've got a lot on their plates at the minute.

And it's all got really difficult for them...

with the hospital visits and getting time off work.

It's not fair. None of it seems fair.

Er, I'll speak to the teachers,

and I'll make sure they're made fully aware.

Can you ask them not to mention it to Karen,

his half-sister? She picks him up after school.

She's inconsolable.

Cancer is a terrible thing.

You don't think it's God's way of punishing him?

No, no, Debbie, please,

you mustn't torture yourself with such thoughts.

["Merry Christmas Everybody" playing on jukebox]

-♪ So here it is ♪ -[off-tempo] ♪ So here it is ♪

-♪ Merry Christmas ♪ -♪ Merry Christmas ♪

-♪ Everybody's having fun... ♪ -♪ Everybody's having fun... ♪

If I hear that song one more time, I'm gonna chin some fucker.

Oh, Jez.

Tonight, am I, am I still good for them couple of hours off?

Is this gonna be a regular thing?

Well, I'm, I'm learning to read, Jez, you know,

and it's, it's not gonna happen overnight, is it?

Well, read my lips.

I'm running a pub, not a library.

So if you want time off, find someone to cover your shifts.

Preferably young, sexy, and female.

Problem solved.

-[jukebox] ♪ Does your... ♪ -[Frank] ♪ Granny always tell ya ♪

♪ That the old... ♪

House full of kids, you're bound to get the odd nit.

It's fucking disgusting.

You know your trouble? You're too clean.

If you're going out with our Marty,

you're gonna have to let your standards drop a bit.

When we were kids, he used to wear his Y-fronts

for that long, we'd have to incinerate 'em.

Maybe that's where the arson started.

-It won't crack, you know? -What won't?

Your face.

I'm depressed.

Food in your belly, clothes on your back,

and a bloke that worships the ground you walk on.

What's the problem?

I don't know. [sobs]

You need sunshine.

[laughs] And how am I gonna get that, Marty?

In the middle of fucking winter?

Unless you've got a spare grand to whisk me off to Rio.

No. But I'm gonna make you happy.

[car engine faltering]

-Hiya, Kev. -Hiya, Debbie.

-Start talking. -What?

Told you to leave that on.

Debbie, what the fuck have you done?

-Nothing. -Bullshit.

The school think he's ill. Worse than ill.

One of the teachers had just started crying

-on my shoulder. -Well, she had no right.

I specifically told her not to mention it.

Are you mental? The fuck you playing at?

You can't go round telling people that--

Liam, mate, go and get in the bath.

-Don't wanna. -Do as you're told!

They were gonna expel him.

Which means education inspectors,

which means home visits, which means social services.

Because in case you hadn't noticed,

no one's bringing us up!

Is that what you want?

Busybodies crawling all over the house?

Authorities coming in here deciding what's best for us?

Cos that's what's gonna happen.

We'll all be broken up, thrown into care,

or fostered out to the nearest friggin' taker.

Why didn't you tell us?

And what would you have done, Lip?

Stopped shagging for five minutes?

Expelled, well, what for?

They think we're atheists. He keeps denouncing God.

Where did he get that from? Who told him God don't exist?

-Don't blame me. I say prayers. -It was me.

-Why? -Cos it's true.

Debs, he's a little kid!

Exactly, so we shouldn't be telling him lies

about superior beings!

You've done some screwy things in the past, Debs,

but this takes the fucking medal.

So what did you tell 'em? How did they buy it?

It's a collection of different cancers.

They treat it with monthly chemo sessions.

I've got a letter from the hospital detailing his treatment schedules.

But you haven't got a letter because he's not a fucking patient.

Don't worry.

She didn't wanna see it. People never do.

-Maybe he just gets better. -Overnight?

No, he's right. It's our only way out of it.

We let his hair grow back and pretend the treatment's worked.

But it can't leave this room.

The less people know, the more chance we've got at burying this.

[indistinct chattering]

Hang on, hang on, I've only got one pair of hands!

Pint, please.

I ordered two lagers...

Not in there, Lillian. It's not rocket science!

How long have you been coming here for, for goodness sake?

What do you want, love, A lager? No problem.

-Is it two pints, love? -I asked for crisps.

-Yeah, no problem.

Night school, my arse. If he'd gone to school...

Jez, can I borrow these, please?

Yeah, go-- Yeah, go on, take 'em.

[Marty] Thanks.

[Jez] Come on, Lillian, we're three deep in the bar here.

For example, in the sentence,

"I am going to the bar to buy two beers,"

we have two examples of how the same-sounding word

is used in different contexts.

But if I were to add, "Would you like a beer too-- ?"

Hm?

We can... see how the third meaning comes into play.

Open your textbooks at page three,

and there are some straightforward examples of this rule.

Have a look yourselves, and then we'll, erm,

we'll go through it together.

Just gonna nip to the toilet, miss.

Dirty bitch. Wants me in detention.

Corporal punishment. I've been a naughty boy...

[man] Are you gonna be long?

Erm, I'm fixing the cistern! Use the other one.

[man] Which other?

Fuck should I know? Nip out the fire door!

[man] I've nothing to bloody wipe with.

[man] Cheers, mate.

Do people think I'm poorly?

No.

Well, sort of.

[sighs] Liam, listen to me carefully, right?

It's just a game that we to have play.

So if you do exactly what I tell you to do,

then we won't get into trouble.

So if people think you're poorly, that's OK.

You have to let them think that.

Right, it's all part of the game.

Do you understand?

Off you go.

We've got a problem!

[Jez] Got any spare change there, collecting for Liam fund?

Oh, cheers. Thanks so much. Cheers, John, that's lovely.

Thanks ever so much, ta.

Got any spare change in your pockets, gents?

Come on, let's dig deep in these pockets.

-There you go. -[Jez] Ah, thanks, love.

Ah, that's brilliant, thanks ever so much, ta.

Brilliant, ta.

A pound! Is that it?

Little kiddie at death's door, and you can only manage a pound!

We're sending him to Disneyland, not Camelot!

Sorry to hear about your Liam. It's a crying shame.

I thought it were the other one at first, that idiot from Oasis.

I said to Maureen, he can pay for his own trip,

money he's making. Sorry.

[Lip] If they start a collecting wedge, we're in deep shit.

How did Jez find out?

It's Father Crichton. He's touring pubs

-with his collection tin. -You happy now?

I didn't know they'd try and send him to Disney World!

I'll go with him. They've got massive rides,

like Space Mountain and that, not just Mickey Mouse.

-This is out of control. -There's only one thing for it.

We're gonna have to go down there and tell 'em the truth.

Stop it before it goes any further.

-I'm not doing it. -We'll all do it.

[indistinct chattering]

[Jez] Thanks ever so much. Very generous.

Thanks. God bless you.

Oh, thank you.

Chemotherapy is a modern miracle.

Absolutely.

[Jez] Thank you.

-May I buy you a drink, Frank? -Absolutely.

I'll just...

-What the fuck's going on? -No, Dad, listen--

Me own kiddie, and no one tells me?

I-- I'm the last to know, as usual.

Have to find out in the pub, off strangers.

Is this how it is now, is this how we've ended up?

Me own kids keeping secrets from me?

Well, I suppose I've only meself to fucking blame, haven't I?

But you could have fucking...

[sobs] ...told me.

My Liam.

Why-- Lickle Liam.

He's me own flesh and blood.

-No, Dad, look, it's-- -[microphone feedback]

Community is about sticking together,

and that's exactly what we're gonna to do,

so it's my pleasure to declare the Liam Gallagher Appeal

-officially open. -[crowd applauds]

Frank. I came as soon as I heard.

-Oh, Mum, listen-- -[Lip] Not now.

If we tell them, everyone'll know.

Liam dying.

It's a wonder you can remember what he looks like.

Who rattled your fucking cage?

When did you last spend the day with him?

-Take him out, have fun? -[Frank sobs]

Call yourself a father.

Hang on a minute, fuckin'--

She's right, Frank.

He needs his father. They all need their father.

We should be there for them. Like proper parents.

Well, well, yeah, yeah, of course. I mean--

We could move in! Then we'd all be together.

Me, you, and the kids.

One big happy family under the same roof.

We need to talk.

Oh, my God. He looks like summat from Chernobyl.

Debbie needs to see a shrink.

How cracked have you gotta be to make summat like that up?

Hey, she's a young girl trying to bring up a kiddie

that doesn't even belong to her.

We should be praising her, not condemning her.

-For making up cancer, Veronica? -For coping.

With no parents and a bunch of brothers

who expect her to behave like their mother.

They're gonna kill us. You know that.

Hundreds of pounds have gone in. Wages, benefits. For what?

It's a fucking sham.

If we tell people the truth,

what's the worst that can happen?

Remember Teresa Tyler?

Read all about it!

Fake charity woman torched from home!

Heartless bitch in fear of her life!

Read all about it!

If they think you've used a kid to extort money,

they will build a fucking bonfire.

We could just say it was a mistake. Like, we thought he had cancer,

but found out it was really mumps.

-Least I'm trying. -We've gotta keep schtum.

If that means not telling me dad and Sheila, then so be it.

You can't let 'em think he's dying, Lip.

He can't be trusted! Look, it's only for a few days.

When it blows over, we'll tell them the truth.

It won't do Frank any harm to love his son a bit harder,

will it, eh?

You finished talking about me now?

[Frank] We can't just move in there, Sheila.

He needs a mother, Frank.

Yeah, but they've done all right so far.

Frank, he's your son! Come on.

Yeah, I know that, but...

[panting] It's like Marti Caine said,

"You should go into battle like it's your worst enemy."

Yeah, and look what happened to her.

[laughs]

Oh, yeah, yeah. Laugh all you like. I borrowed these off your mam!

-[distant clamor] -[toy squeaking]

-Where's everyone gonna sleep? -See?

Aren't these two gonna want their own room?

We'll have to convert the living room into a granny flat,

and then no one will be able to get next door.

We won't have any privacy. I mean,

not that we've got anything to hide or anything, but

we are adults, with very adult needs.

No. No. No, Sheila, it's not gonna work.

I don't know, the logistics are all to cock.

We're gonna have to sit down and rethink--

What the fuck?

What's this? This normal? Who thinks this is normal?

-It's for Sue's depression. -Lifting or deepening?

-What's going on? -They're moving in.

-Says who? -Someone could have told us.

You don't even fucking live here.

Never mind. There's more than enough room for everyone.

Come on, Sue, you can help me with the cleaning.

Well, I can't clean, Sheila, it's the dust.

-It gives me migraines. -Come on.

[groans]

[parrot whistles]

Present for Sue. Pets are good for depression.

[parrot squawking]

OK, everyone, see you next week.

So, how did you get on?

Hmm?

Five out of five. Excellent.

You're like, erm...

teacher's pet.

Gotta go, Miss. Ta-ra.

[engine turning over]

[mutters]

[motor running]

What the fuck?

[phone beeps]

Billy! This fucking car you sold me,

you told me it wasn't a ringer.

Bought as seen. And that was five years ago.

Now, fuck off. Our Satan's got a badger.

-[phone beeps] -Fucking...

I guess you'll be needing a lift.

Well, this is as close as I go.

After this, it's straight to my place.

So...

so what's it to be, Kev?

Look, the thing is, Serena,

I've got a girl at home and much as I would like to...

she'd tear me dick off.

She'd never know.

In my experience, women always know.

Suit yourself.

But I know you're interested...

or you wouldn't have to keep nipping off for a wank

halfway through my lessons.

I'm gonna have you, Kev...

so, if I were you, I would just...

get...

used to the idea.

Thanks for the lift.

-[knocks] -Hey!

There's kiddies dying and you're doing that!

Go on, you dirty bastard! Go on!

-[indistinct chatter] -[music playing]

Sheila, love, slow down.

I've got a house full of people, all with hungry stomachs.

When are we gonna get a chance to eat all this stuff?

We need to conserve our energy.

I've done breakfast, dinner, and tea.

Whatever's left over can be frozen.

Sheila, Sheila, they can all look after themselves.

What do you think they did before we moved in, starved?

I mean, look at 'em.

None of 'em are wasting awa--

[Sheila humming]

Just stop fucking cooking, will you?

You're like a woman possessed.

We need food, Frank. It's what keeps us healthy.

Besides, little Liam's enjoying himself, aren't you?

-Mummy's little helper. -[timer dings]

Oh! Me risotto'll be turned to mud. [gasps]

If you're looking for drugs, they hide 'em in the cistern.

No, no, I was just--

Just a bit of dope or summat, just take the edge off, you know?

[sighs] I mean, what with your brother, and it’s being back here,

it's all a bit of a fucking...

Dad, about Liam...

the thing is, it's--

The fuck you both doing in here?

Looking for your drugs.

Yeah, well, good luck, cos I ain't got any.

No gear? You call yourself a fucking teenager!

Hey, where's Ian's stash?

You've gotta stop Jez, she's talking to a journalist.

You're joking?

She's arranging a charity day. All in aid of Liam's appeal.

Jesus!

We're gonna have to tell her the truth.

Jez? Are you out of your mind? She'll sack the pair of us.

We can't let it go in the papers, Kev.

Cos if she starts checking details,

contacting the cancer unit, we'll be hung out to dry.

We? We? What's all this "we"? I didn't go around telling everyone

-he had fucking cancer. -Er, neither did I.

Yeah but you didn't try to stop it when you found out.

-I was trying to protect Debbie. -Yeah, and look, where that's got us!

-[Ian] Hey, what's going on? -We've got a problem.

Events, celebrities, fairground, the entire day with one aim:

helping a sick child in his hour of need.

And I assume you'll be contributing the profits from the bar?

Don't push it, sweetheart. I've a living to earn, you know?

OK, think I've got everything.

Right, I wanna get a snapper down,

get a shot of Liam and his family outside the pub

-if that's possible. -Front-page spread?

[chuckles] Well, that depends if there's a murder.

I mean, sick kids are good, but there's only one,

and nothing beats a nice, juicy murder.

Let me know when you've confirmed a celebrity.

And by the way, this day for little Liam,

-what you calling it? -Liam Day.

[scoffs]

Bitch.

We're finished.

Maybe not. Cover for me.

-Where's Kash? -Eh, in the back. Kash!

-[baby crying] -Cancer wristbands?

-Yep. I'm happy to do my bit. -But they're fake.

They're not even charity registered.

They're still promoting the cause.

Live 8, Comic Relief,

D'you think they all do it out the goodness of their hearts?

Bollocks!

Every time Bono shits, he earns a million quid.

He ain't making my poverty history!

We're in a mess.

And you're the only one that can get us out of it.

See, the trouble with you is,

you put it all down to faith, faith, faith!

Well, people haven't got fucking faith.

It's all drip, drip, drip,

drought, famine, tsunami, drip, drip, drip.

Just things are getting worse out here, you know?

It's getting fucking worse.

So they think, "Fuck him, let him sit on his cloud,

twiddling his beard."

"As flies to wanton boys as are we to the gods,

they kill us for their fucking sport."

Fucking Shakespeare, fucking King Lear.

Yeah, he, fucking, he had it right, didn't he?

You can't expect us to like you just like that, you know,

as a matter of course. You can't expect--

♪ Oh come let us adore him Oh, come let-- ♪

Fuck off! Where's your cure for cancer?

Where's your cure for cancer?

Where's your cure for cancer, eh?

Where's your help for the... lickle Ethiopians

and lickle kiddies with two hearts

and arms that don't fucking work properly?

If you want us to have fucking faith,

you're gonna have to prove yourself!

Second Coming, parting of the waves,

something spectacular,

something fucking biblical, you know?

Otherwise, the fucking game's up.

Whoa, whoa, whoa!

Kiss the brick, Franky boy!

[grunts] This is intimidation, this, you know,

you know, it's harassment, it is.

I know how the fucking Muslims feel now.

[police] Yeah? Innocent man, eh, Frank?

♪ On the good ship Lollipop ♪

[laughing] ♪ It's a nice trip-- ♪

We got a party tonight, a big bash.

No hard feelings, 'ey, Frank? [chuckling]

Me son is dying!

If there's one time you're allowed to get mashed off your fucking face!

Lickle Liam.

[sobs]

[all] Holy Mary, Mother of God, pray for us sinners now

and at the hour of our death. Amen.

Hail Mary, full of grace, the Lord is with thee.

Blessed art thou amongst women,

and blessed is the fruit of thy womb, Jesus.

[all] Holy Mary, Mother of God, pray for us sinners now

and at the hour of our death. Amen.

Hail Mary, full of grace, the Lord is with thee.

Blessed art thou amongst women, and bless...

[moaning on TV]

-Oh! -Kev!

You scared the life. What you doing creeping round?

What you doing cracking one off?

Just fancied it.

Well, why didn't you wait for me?

I don't know, I didn't know when you were gonna be back.

Right.

What's going on?

-You talking about? -You. You're acting weird.

I'm, I'm not--

I think it's all this Liam stuff, you know, it's making me edgy.

Oh, yeah.

Liam not dying makes you want to wank off to teenie porn?

It's this, innit, Vee? I can't do it.

-It's just not happening. -You've only been twice.

Yeah, I know, but it's gonna take months, and years.

Week in, week out. And for what, eh?

To be able to do what everyone else finds piss easy.

Yeah. And so you can feel good about yourself,

go for the jobs you want, yeah?

Read the newspaper

instead of looking at the fucking pictures.

You are not jibbing it, Kev, not without good reason.

I've got good reason.

[sighs]

It's full of spods, the class, you know, and...

knobheads who can't fucking read.

I feel like one of the school spanners again.

You're doing really well.

You have just gotta keep at it.

Hey, do you think I like wiggling me wares

for a load of overweight businessmen?

No! But I've gotta do it because I want a summer holiday.

Same with you.

So no more moaning, and no more wanking.

You're going!

-[door slams] -Fuck.

[groans]

As a representative of the local council,

I'm delighted to announce that, in conjunction with

Saint Gabriel's RC Primary School and the local church,

we have decided to use Liam Day as a fundraiser

not only for little Liam Gallagher, bless him,

but also a number of other sick children in the locale.

[applause]

[Kash] Miss Murdoch, Father Crichton, and myself

have agreed that a pilgrimage to Lourdes,

the renowned sacred home of healing,

would be the appropriate venue for the trip,

as well as a brief stop at Euro Disney.

The local council will be providing a minibus,

free of charge, for the entirety of the jaunt.

[applause, cheering]

I know exactly what you're going through.

We lost our Toby to it last September.

[indistinct chatter]

Thanks, love.

It's the kindness of strangers that gets you through.

Dicko!

Got some wicked new stuff coming in.

-Yeah? -Stronger, proper spaceman stuff.

Stronger the better.

I want a direct route to oblivion.

-I don't get it. -What's not to get?

Council donates a minibus, which immediately

gives the whole thing a ring of authenticity.

We fill it full of young unfortunates, send it to France, and voilà!

The appeal's done its job.

Yeah, it's not all about Liam, he's just one of a bunch of kids.

Which stops that reporter sticking her nose where it's not wanted.

-And what do you get out of it? -Well, good publicity for the Council.

-Plus a bit extra. -[whispering] Viagra.

I've got a mate in Toulouse who imports the stuff from India.

Thousand boxes, tenner a pop. I'll pick it up en route.

Amount of limp dicks round here, we're gonna clean up.

We need a driver. So, you in or what?

Why not? Could do with some spare dosh.

I need a new fucking car.

[music playing]

Well, what about one of the Spice Girls?

Oh, I don't care, any. Oh, but not Geri,

not if she's gonna bring that bleedin' dog.

Take that, then.

Well, I know we'll not get Robbie, but rest of 'em can't be busy!

I can phone her if you like.

Oh, we're not having Su Pollard!

-["Summer Holiday" playing] -[doorbell rings]

[Lip] You feeling any better, Sue?

Little bit. You can't rush these things.

Depression lifts in its own good time.

Bit lower, Marty.

That's it. [sighs]

My mam's here.

[sobbing]

-Liam. -Who is it?

I'm your mummy.

I'm your mummy. [cries]

I'm your mummy.

I'm your mummy.

[sobbing]

All right, Monica?

Why didn't you tell me?

Why didn't anybody tell me?

[sobbing]

He's not ill.

It's all a lie.

It was a mistake. She didn't mean any harm.

Well, if you'd have come for the home visit,

none of this would have happened.

Oh, so it's my fault, is it?

Fucking hell!

And there's me thinking it was you.

Or you. Or you. Or you.

But no, it's fucking Frank, again.

Suppose Tweedle Dum and Tweedle fucking Dee knew

-and all, did they? -We knew!

-Yeah, yeah, just muggins here. -I didn't know either, Frank.

No. Fine.

Yeah, if that's how much I fucking matter...

you'll be better off without me.

Frank. Frank!

This is sick.

[gasps] This is beyond sick.

Fucking bitch!

[car horn blares]

Why did nobody tell me Fiona had left?

You've got me number, you could have called.

That's a two-way street, that, innit?

Try ringing us from time to time.

We were managing OK until all this happened.

There's a fundraising day, Saturday.

-You can't go through with it. -We've got no option.

Will you stay for it?

It'd look better if you were there.

It'd be like I was going along with a lie.

He's my baby.

When I heard that word, "cancer", it tore me apart.

Don't worry, I'm not staying.

Just gonna go and say goodbye to Liam.

["Hey Mickey" playing on jukebox]

Thought tonight was night school.

No, it's off. Teacher's been run over.

-You've not packed it in already? -No, no. Fucking teacher's ill.

Intensive care, life support.

They-- they'll have to call the priest in,

not even sure if she's-- she's--

I can't bleedin' go, can I?

-Why not? -[sighs]

Because the teacher's hitting on me,

and I'm frightened I'm gonna end up boning her.

No, it's not funny, Karen. She means business.

I'm telling you, proper porno poses, the works.

And I take it Veronica don't know?

No. And as far as she's concerned, I'm still gonna go to me lessons.

And how long you gonna keep that up for?

I don't know. As long as it takes, Karen.

Oh, Jesus!

What if she looks in me workbook?

Me schoolbook. There'll be no new sentences in it.

-Well, write some. -Bit of a problem there, Karen.

You couldn't help us, could you?

Bring it here, then.

[Kev] Ta.

Are you back?

How was stripogram?

Oh, some jug-eared tosspot's fortieth.

He got a lob on, though, so I must've been doing summat right.

-How was college? -Ah, crap.

Well, we did do that, erm, "quick brown fox" thing.

-What's that? -Oh, the, er, you know,

"The quick brown fox jumps over the lazy dog."

Look, it's a sentence, right, using every letter

in the alphabet. It's good, innit?

I were well impressed. Learn something new every day.

-You're not kidding? -What?

You've not been, have you?

Yeah, course I have--

"Dear Veronica, I can't go to night school

cos the teacher is a horny little bitch

who keeps flashing me her fanny. Sorry. Love, Kev."

-Karen! -Kev!

Look I was gonna tell you, but I thought

you'd just be down there, ripping her eyes out.

Veronica, she's a fucking predator, right?

It's sexual harassment.

If I was a bird, I could have her up in court.

Men, you are pathetic!

Can you not trust yourself not to shag someone?

She wouldn't leave me alone, right?

She said she was gonna have me, no matter what.

I felt like I were being unfaithful just looking at her.

I only wanted to learn to read.

-Not my fault I'm irresistible. -[laughs]

So much for bettering meself.

I'll be pulling pints for the rest of me life.

I can teach you to read.

Wouldn't that drive you potty?

Probably. But we're a couple, aren't we?

And sometimes, that means doing things

for the benefit of the other.

[smooches]

It's all the rage. Corporates, bisexual birthdays.

Hey, we'll clean up.

I can't take me kit off in a room full of strangers, Vee.

You'll be fine. Packet like yours,

-they'll be all over you. -No, no, I can't do it, Vee.

One chipolata gag, I'll-- I'll be a gibbering wreck.

Fine, Kev. We could've doubled our income as a stripogram,

and I could've taught you to read into the bargain.

Can't I be a cowboy?

Frank.

[Marty] Say, "petrol."

"Petrol."

-[sobs] -[Marty] Say, "bonfire."

I guess he didn't come back?

I expect he must have slept at home.

At our old house.

-[Marty] "Matches." -I'm really sorry, Sheila.

The last thing we wanted was to hurt you or me dad.

-You, you just-- -Couldn't be trusted.

-Bucket biff. -[parrot squawks] Bucket biff.

He did it!

Help us get through this, Sheila, please.

We need you.

-[Sheila] Really? -[parrot squawks] Bucket biff.

[brass band playing]

Good afternoon, everybody, and thank you all for coming.

The time is 12:30.

The place is Chatsworth, England.

Welcome to Liam Day!

[all cheer]

If we get through this, it'll be a fucking miracle.

Just gotta keep our nerve.

Few hours, it'll all be over.

Oi! You lot, off! If you wanna bounce,

go and shag your sister.

[boy] Fuck off, you mean cow.

It's only a quid down the offie.

Well, piss off down the offie, then, Billy.

Kev, ring Debbie.

Tell her we want the star of the show here by two.

And get your wristband on!

Now I know how Geldof must've felt.

-[coins rattling] -Give us your fucking money!

[Karen] Hey, you little shit. You didn't even pay for that!

-The fuck you doing? He's wasted. -Ian?

[belches]

Look, we made a mistake.

Not interested.

No, it were wrong. We shouldn't have kept it from you.

Not interested.

But we were in the shit, we had to make decisions.

Not fucking interested.

Well, maybe you should try asking yourself

why we didn't tell you.

[exhales]

Ah, Dicko, the very man.

Come on, I need that spaceman stuff.

[playing fanfare]

[girl] Liam's here!

[applause and cheering]

[woman] Is that him?

Is that the cancer boy?

Why's everybody clapping?

Just pretend you're Superman, yeah?

Hello, everybody, and thank you all for coming.

Hope you're all enjoying Liam Day!

[all cheering, applauding]

Today is a very special day,

because it's about our community,

the community of Chatsworth, coming together in a common cause.

Little Liam Gallagher is an exceptional child,

and I'd like us all to commend and applause

this young man's bravery.

[applause]

And I'm delighted to announce that, thanks to your generosity,

we've reached our appeal target of £6,000!

-[crowd applauding, cheering] -Whatever's going on?

Little Liam, dying of cancer.

It's a bummer, like,

but at least he gets a free holiday out of it.

No!

Why do you keep punishing me?

Haven't I done enough?

-[Veronica] Mum. Mum! -[Yvonne] Carol!

Don't let it happen!

Don't let this little boy be taken away. [sobbing]

[speaking into mic] It's all right, Debbie made it up,

-it's only a game. -Liam, no!

-[crowd murmuring] -What?

Debbie? Is this true, Debbie?

It's a load of bollocks. He's not even dying.

It's a con. They're nicking our fucking money!

[crowd clamoring]

This is still a worthy cause.

These children deserve your support.

[distorting audio]

[screams]

-Hey! -Help!

Help!

[Lip] What's happened?

-Frank! No! No! -[Lip] Dad!

He's not breathing. Veronica, he's not breathing!

-[Carl] Is he just pissed? -[Lip] Do something.

He can't be dead.

[Carl] Why ain't anyone doing anything?

[Veronica] Someone call an ambulance.

[Carl] Please someone help. Dad!

Daughter's deceit leaves Dad dead.

[siren wails]

Don't you dare die.

Because who will that help?

Then we'll have no one. Is that what you want?

To leave us on our own?

Mum's gone, Fiona's gone, and now you're gonna leave us.

It's not fair. It's just not fair.

So you're gonna have to live...

and that's the end of it. Do you hear me?

I know I shouldn't have told everyone Liam had cancer...

and I know you hate me for not telling you the truth.

But you're my dad... [sniffles]

...and I'll make everything all right, I promise.

If you live, I'll make everything all right.

-[siren wailing] -[indistinct radio chatter]

[nurse] 'Scuse me, 'scuse me.

Debbie?

He will be all right, won't he, Debbie?

[sobs]

Struck down at the moment of truth.

It's biblical, is this.

It's God's way of telling her what she did was pure evil.

Carol! Zip it!

Don't you think I know that?

But I can't turn back the clock, can I?

[sobs] Let him live.

Please, let him live. I can't be on me own.

I'd rather die than be without him. Please.

Frank's had a very serious toxic reaction,

which led to his collapse.

He doesn't work with animals at all, does he?

-No. -No.

-No! -Only, he seems to have consumed

a large quantity of phencyclidine.

It's a tranquilizer, often used by vets to calm horses.

-He'll be all right, though? -He'll be fine. Few days' rest.

But he's had a lucky escape.

PCP's one of the big boys, not to be fooled with.

Oh!

Oh, Debbie.

We're taking him home.

His home's here.

Liam, love, all your things are ready.

You're gonna come back to Mummy's house for a while

and be looked after properly.

Mum, you can't just take him.

He doesn't know me.

I'm his mum, and he can't remember who I am.

Whose fault's that?

Oh, you know why I left.

Look, you're all grown-up now. Well...

nearly grown-up. But, oh, Liam, he's so young.

We need to spend some proper time together.

Oh, come here, lovie.

Mum, don't do this.

It's not fair. You can't split us up again.

You can't do this.

-I won't let you. -This is nowt to do with you.

It's got everything to do with me.

If you wanna pick a fight, Sheila, you're messing with the wrong chicks.

We're taking him and that's it.

-Over my dead body. -If necessary.

There isn't a court in the land wouldn't support me having my son.

Well, we'll see then, won't we?

Cos that's the only way he's gonna leave here!

Stop it!

Just stop it!

You're arguing over him like he's a lost dog.

He's got a mouth and a brain.

He can decide what he wants for himself.

-He's a five-year old boy. -Why don't you try asking him?

Liam, love, we need to decide where you're gonna live.

Who's gonna look after you.

Do you understand?

So, where'd you think you'd be happiest?

-With me, your real mummy... -And Norma.

...and Norma.

Or staying here, with, erm, Sheila and your father?

It's up to you, mate.

Whatever you choose is all right.

Some weekends.

Long as I can have some weekends.

[chuckles]

It's funny, in spite of everything that's happened,

I feel good again.

The clouds have lifted, and it's all down to you.

I just want you to be happy.

[chuckles] I am.

With you looking after me.

[parrot whistles] Lazy bitch. Lazy bitch.

But that parrot's gotta go.

[music playing]

[Carol] Let's get you inside.

Hot bath and rest, that's what you need.

[Sheila] Better start looking after yourself.

I don't wanna be widowed before I'm even wed.

Heard every word.

This is, erm, interesting.

Did you make it yourself, Sheila?

Yeah. It's really quite straightforward,

it's, erm, wine, brandy, cinnamon sticks, cloves--

[coughs] Paint stripper!

Aren't you supposed to put sugar in mulled wine?

Sugar. Forgot the sugar.

Must have been all the excitement.

Never mind, you can add your own sugar when you want.

-There you go. -Good health.

[giggles]

Unaccustomed as I am,

er, I'd like to say a few words.

Sometimes...

you know, it takes a bolt from the blue

to make you realize...

what is important in life.

And, er--

And, er, sorry, I'm welling up here.

Because just before I hit the deck,

thinking that me number was up...

I had a vision.

It's a sort of premonition. Clear as day.

Like I could... touch it.

And it was me and Sheila, together...

grey haired and wrinkly...

in Sheila's house, on Sheila's couch,

surrounded by all our children.

Every single one of you.

And you were looking after us.

In our dotage.

And no matter what we needed...

you couldn't do enough for us.

Oh, Frank.

No, no, all right. Just wait a minute.

Just let me finish what I'm saying.

What I'm saying is...

I forgive you.

For the lies...

the deceit.

Because I know that...

whenever I need you,

you will always be there for me.

Me and you are going home, our home,

so we can make this vision come true.

-[Sheila] Yes, Frank. -[smooches]

[smooches]

[Sheila] Cheers.

-Cheers everyone. -[all] Cheers!

[all chattering]

[Frank] They say truth's stranger than fiction,

and it's true.

I mean, the world's full of people doing mad, sick, crazy things.

Take a look around you.

You couldn't make it up in a month of fucking Sundays.

♪ What's new pussycat? Whoa, whoa, whoa ♪

-Do you wanna drink? -All right.

Unless you fancy something a little bit stronger.

Poke my sister, you're dead.

You make me so fucking horny.

Is that what Romeo said to Juliet?

Move your fucking hand, you silly bitch!

Just need a room, that's all.

Damsel in distress, needing shelter.

He's begging her, she's slapping him.

Who the fuck have we let into our lives?

[screams]

He's not your fucking mate!

It's just a normal family home.

Q... U... I... C... K.

B... R... O... U?

Wrong. There's no U in "brown".

Oh, does that mean I'm gonna have to have the cane again, miss?

I'm afraid so.

Bend over.

-[cane smacks] -[Kev] Ooh! Miss.