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# What'll I do
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00:00:03,960 --> 00:00:05,960
# When you
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00:00:05,960 --> 00:00:09,320
# Are far away?
4
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# And I am blue
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# What'll I do?
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00:00:17,480 --> 00:00:21,960
# When I'm alone with only
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# Dreams of you
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# That won't come true
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# What'll I do? #
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Hi, all.
Ah, look at them!
11
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What they done now?
They're unloading the dishwasher.
12
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Well, this calls for an ussie!
13
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An ussie?
BOYS: It's the plural of selfie.
14
00:00:53,960 --> 00:00:55,960
Where are my nibbles?
Have you checked your bra?
15
00:00:57,960 --> 00:01:00,000
The canapes for my book group.
16
00:01:01,960 --> 00:01:03,960
I want tonight to be perfect.
17
00:01:03,960 --> 00:01:05,960
It's going to be a full house,
18
00:01:05,960 --> 00:01:07,960
especially as you're going
to be there, Sharon.
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00:01:08,960 --> 00:01:11,960
Ow! I don't even know if I'll come,
Dor.
20
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I mean, I haven't even read
Crime and Punishment, by...
21
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Dosty... Dosty...
22
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Oh, Dusty Springfield, I love her!
23
00:01:22,960 --> 00:01:24,960
Dostoyevsky.
24
00:01:24,960 --> 00:01:29,960
You, Sharon, are to make me shine
in front of Melanie Fishman.
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00:01:29,960 --> 00:01:31,960
I need to be the alpha female.
26
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I need to overpower her.
I need to be dominant.
27
00:01:34,960 --> 00:01:36,960
Been a while, has it, Dor?
28
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So when I say something particularly
articulate,
29
00:01:41,960 --> 00:01:45,160
you nod sagely and you say,
30
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"You make a very prescient point."
31
00:01:49,960 --> 00:01:53,960
See, all I heard then was blah, blah,
blah, blah, blah.
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And you might try,
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"It's as if Dostoyevsky himself
just walked into the room."
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And then add,
35
00:02:01,960 --> 00:02:06,960
"Dorien, you really are a consummate
academic." (CHUCKLES)
36
00:02:06,960 --> 00:02:10,960
That'll knock the Hermes scarf
right off her saggy neck!
37
00:02:10,960 --> 00:02:12,960
And what's in it for me, Dor?
38
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Nibbles.
39
00:02:14,960 --> 00:02:16,960
Right, Mum, we're off.
40
00:02:16,960 --> 00:02:18,960
You're not going anywhere.
What?
41
00:02:18,960 --> 00:02:20,960
Why?
Because...
42
00:02:20,960 --> 00:02:22,960
you haven't given your mum a kiss.
43
00:02:24,960 --> 00:02:26,480
I'm so lucky my boys get on.
44
00:02:26,480 --> 00:02:29,960
Now, if you go underage drinking
with him, you'll be in big trouble.
45
00:02:29,960 --> 00:02:32,800
But if you take him underage
drinking,
46
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you'll be in even bigger trouble.
47
00:02:37,960 --> 00:02:39,960
Mum, we're just...
We're going for a..
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..see a band.
..kickabout.
49
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We're going to see a band...
(TOGETHER) ..called Kickabout.
50
00:02:46,160 --> 00:02:48,960
Do you want me to
put my big rings on?
51
00:02:51,960 --> 00:02:53,960
White Lion or Fox And Hounds?
52
00:02:53,960 --> 00:02:56,320
White Lion's best on a Thursday,
innit? Sweet.
53
00:02:59,960 --> 00:03:03,160
She's got a nerve using this house
for a public event!
54
00:03:03,160 --> 00:03:05,320
She should be paying us -
Uh!
55
00:03:05,960 --> 00:03:08,960
You. You.
I wouldn't mind if she did.
56
00:03:08,960 --> 00:03:10,960
My budget's getting tighter
than Dorien's face
57
00:03:10,960 --> 00:03:12,960
when she bought them scrunchies!
58
00:03:14,800 --> 00:03:18,960
Oh, yeah. I remember. She looked like
she'd been vacuum packed.
59
00:03:21,000 --> 00:03:24,960
Here, Trace, have you ever thought
about using that money
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00:03:24,960 --> 00:03:26,960
that Darryl stashed in the attic?
61
00:03:26,960 --> 00:03:29,800
What, the money them two violent,
psychopathic criminals
62
00:03:29,800 --> 00:03:32,960
asked him to look after for 'em?
That's a brilliant idea...
63
00:03:32,960 --> 00:03:34,960
if we all want to die!
64
00:03:36,160 --> 00:03:39,160
But it's just sitting there
doing nothing.
65
00:03:39,160 --> 00:03:42,960
Day after day, night after night.
66
00:03:42,960 --> 00:03:44,960
Seems to work for you!
67
00:03:49,640 --> 00:03:51,960
Lovely of you to join us, Melanie.
68
00:03:51,960 --> 00:03:54,960
Thank you, Dorien.
It's delightful to be here...
69
00:03:54,960 --> 00:03:57,160
in Hainault.
Oi, Chigwell!
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00:03:58,000 --> 00:04:00,960
Beautiful scarf, Melanie.
71
00:04:00,960 --> 00:04:02,960
Oh, how kind of you to notice.
72
00:04:02,960 --> 00:04:07,160
These days, only a trained eye can
tell Hermes from Hackney market.
73
00:04:07,160 --> 00:04:10,160
Now...
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00:04:10,160 --> 00:04:12,800
I'd like to thank you all
for coming.
75
00:04:12,800 --> 00:04:15,960
I'm sure some of you are surprised
that a top-selling author,
76
00:04:15,960 --> 00:04:18,480
such as myself...
77
00:04:18,480 --> 00:04:20,960
can make time for such a
small gathering.
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00:04:20,960 --> 00:04:22,960
But you know what they say.
Today, a sitting room...
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00:04:22,960 --> 00:04:27,960
In Hainault!
..tomorrow, the O2.
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00:04:27,960 --> 00:04:31,960
Tonight, we turn our attention
to Russian classic,
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00:04:31,960 --> 00:04:37,960
Crime and Punishment, by
Fyodor Mikhailovich Dostoyevsky.
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00:04:37,960 --> 00:04:39,960
With real Russian can-apes
and everything!
83
00:04:40,960 --> 00:04:43,960
Don't they look lovely?
Compared to what?
84
00:04:43,960 --> 00:04:46,960
If I saw one of those on the
pavement, I'd shoot the dog!
85
00:04:49,960 --> 00:04:52,960
What can one say of a man?
86
00:04:52,960 --> 00:04:57,960
One Rodion Romanovich Raskolnikov.
87
00:04:57,960 --> 00:05:02,960
And man who has killed,
a man who knows no longer
88
00:05:02,960 --> 00:05:04,960
where his moral boundaries stand?
89
00:05:04,960 --> 00:05:07,000
A man...
90
00:05:07,000 --> 00:05:09,160
a young man.
91
00:05:10,960 --> 00:05:13,320
A big man.
92
00:05:16,960 --> 00:05:19,800
Sorry, I got a little bit lost
there.
93
00:05:20,960 --> 00:05:23,960
You make a very prescient point, Dor.
94
00:05:23,960 --> 00:05:26,960
No, not yet, Sharon.
95
00:05:30,960 --> 00:05:32,960
Look, I'm sorry,
but this is all beyond me.
96
00:05:32,960 --> 00:05:35,960
This book's so thick
and everyone's got three names..
97
00:05:35,960 --> 00:05:39,320
Can't we just get hammered and
talk about Made In Chelsea instead?
98
00:05:40,960 --> 00:05:43,960
(CHATTER)
99
00:05:43,960 --> 00:05:45,960
No, no, no! No!
100
00:05:46,960 --> 00:05:48,960
We are educated women.
101
00:05:48,960 --> 00:05:52,960
We're discussing Russian literature,
whether you want to or not.
102
00:05:52,960 --> 00:05:55,960
Now, what do we think of
Raskolnikov?
103
00:05:55,960 --> 00:05:58,960
Well, it looks a bit dodgy,
but it tastes absolutely fabulous!
104
00:06:00,960 --> 00:06:05,160
Sorry, I mean you're
a consummate academic, Dor.
105
00:06:08,960 --> 00:06:11,640
(MOBILE RINGTONE)
106
00:06:12,960 --> 00:06:15,960
It seems this book really appeals
to you, Dorien.
107
00:06:15,960 --> 00:06:18,320
Is it because Crime And Punishment
is an examination
108
00:06:18,320 --> 00:06:21,960
of a person pretending to
be something they're not?
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00:06:21,960 --> 00:06:23,960
Someone with something to hide.
110
00:06:23,960 --> 00:06:27,960
Perhaps. Like a saggy neck.
111
00:06:31,960 --> 00:06:33,960
Will you two shut up? I can't hear.
112
00:06:33,960 --> 00:06:36,640
What? Where are you?
113
00:06:37,960 --> 00:06:40,000
Oh, my God!
What is it, Trace?
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00:06:40,000 --> 00:06:42,160
Travis has been arrested.
115
00:06:44,960 --> 00:06:46,960
Well, there's irony.
116
00:06:52,960 --> 00:06:55,960
(SIGHS) Oh, Trace!
117
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Aw!
118
00:06:58,960 --> 00:07:00,960
So what's he done, allegedly?
119
00:07:00,960 --> 00:07:03,960
He's been selling hooky fags.
What?
120
00:07:03,960 --> 00:07:05,960
(SIGHS) Kids, eh?
121
00:07:05,960 --> 00:07:08,160
You take your eyes off 'em
for one minute,
122
00:07:08,160 --> 00:07:10,960
and they're stealing llamas
123
00:07:10,960 --> 00:07:12,960
and drawing willies on pensioners!
124
00:07:14,960 --> 00:07:17,960
Still, I suppose we were just
the same. What you talking about?
125
00:07:17,960 --> 00:07:20,800
The worst thing we did
was dress up in tube tops
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00:07:20,800 --> 00:07:23,960
and beg a ride off Barry Farmer's
moped cos he'd give us love bites.
127
00:07:24,960 --> 00:07:26,960
And not just on the neck!
128
00:07:27,960 --> 00:07:29,960
Happy days.
129
00:07:31,000 --> 00:07:34,000
Have you managed to get hold of
Garthy? His phone's switched off.
130
00:07:34,000 --> 00:07:36,960
Travis said he'd pulled a redhead
that works at McDonald's!
131
00:07:37,960 --> 00:07:39,960
I thought he was scared of clowns?
132
00:07:41,960 --> 00:07:43,800
I'm going to have to get him
a solicitor.
133
00:07:43,800 --> 00:07:45,960
How am I going to afford that?
134
00:07:45,960 --> 00:07:47,960
Why don't you use Darryl's money
in the attic?
135
00:07:47,960 --> 00:07:49,960
Could you be any louder?
136
00:07:49,960 --> 00:07:52,480
I don't think they heard you
in Scotland Yard (!)
137
00:07:53,960 --> 00:07:55,960
You wait till I get you home.
138
00:07:55,960 --> 00:07:58,960
Who put you up to this?
It weren't your idea, I know that.
139
00:07:58,960 --> 00:08:01,960
I can't say, Mum.
You always told me not to grass.
140
00:08:01,960 --> 00:08:03,960
Telling your mum's not grassing.
141
00:08:03,960 --> 00:08:05,960
But if I tell you, you'll tell the
police - You bet your life I will!
142
00:08:05,960 --> 00:08:08,000
Then I can't say, Mum.
143
00:08:08,000 --> 00:08:10,960
Mrs Stubbs, I'm Detective Sergeant -
What now?
144
00:08:10,960 --> 00:08:12,960
Haven't you done enough,
persecuting this young kid?
145
00:08:12,960 --> 00:08:16,960
No. Not yet. I'm afraid we're going
to have to search your residence.
146
00:08:19,000 --> 00:08:22,960
Oh, my God! The attic, the cash!
147
00:08:22,960 --> 00:08:25,160
The cash in the attic!
148
00:08:30,960 --> 00:08:34,960
Oh, I didn't realise you lived
in a blue light district, Dorien?
149
00:08:36,960 --> 00:08:39,160
It's terribly common to
curtain twitch, Melanie!
150
00:08:42,960 --> 00:08:44,960
God, what am I living with?
151
00:08:51,800 --> 00:08:53,960
What if they search the attic?
152
00:08:53,960 --> 00:08:55,960
Look, you better go
and distract 'em.
153
00:08:55,960 --> 00:08:57,960
How?
154
00:08:57,960 --> 00:09:00,960
By doing the Dance Of
The Seven...vests?
155
00:09:00,960 --> 00:09:03,960
Go on!
156
00:09:03,960 --> 00:09:06,960
Don't worry, I'll defrost something
when I get in. Yeah, bye now.
157
00:09:08,960 --> 00:09:12,960
Ooh, I was just about to pop a French
bread pizza in the combi oven.
158
00:09:12,960 --> 00:09:16,320
Interested? It's got jalapenos.
159
00:09:16,320 --> 00:09:19,960
No, thank you, Madam.
That might constitute a bribe.
160
00:09:19,960 --> 00:09:22,960
Ooh, they're very spicy.
161
00:09:22,960 --> 00:09:25,640
Sadly, no.
162
00:09:26,960 --> 00:09:29,320
Don't I know you from somewhere?
163
00:09:29,320 --> 00:09:32,960
Well, it's not impossible since
both your husbands were crims.
164
00:09:32,960 --> 00:09:34,960
Fair point.
165
00:09:34,960 --> 00:09:36,960
Right -
Uh!
166
00:09:36,960 --> 00:09:39,960
(HUMS DANCE OF THE SEVEN VEILS)
167
00:09:44,960 --> 00:09:46,960
What are you doing?
168
00:09:46,960 --> 00:09:49,800
I'm doing the Dance Of The Seven...
169
00:09:49,800 --> 00:09:51,960
Never mind.
170
00:09:52,960 --> 00:09:55,960
Take a look upstairs.
Yes, Guv.
171
00:09:57,640 --> 00:09:59,960
And who might you be?
172
00:09:59,960 --> 00:10:02,960
Well, I might be the rightful heir
to the Russian throne.
173
00:10:03,960 --> 00:10:05,960
In point of fact, I am Dorien Green.
174
00:10:05,960 --> 00:10:08,800
Also known as Foxy Cohen.
175
00:10:08,800 --> 00:10:10,960
An alias? You been in trouble
before, have you?
176
00:10:11,960 --> 00:10:13,960
What's through there?
Just my book group.
177
00:10:13,960 --> 00:10:17,480
Erm... I'm an honest geezer, guv.
178
00:10:18,160 --> 00:10:20,960
You searched in there yet?
They're having a meeting, Guv.
179
00:10:20,960 --> 00:10:23,960
Oh, get on with it!
180
00:10:30,320 --> 00:10:33,960
I hope you are enjoying
the little psycho drama I arranged
181
00:10:33,960 --> 00:10:36,960
as part of our book club tonight.
Erm...
182
00:10:36,960 --> 00:10:40,960
I'm sure you're agreed that
it dramatises succinctly
183
00:10:40,960 --> 00:10:44,960
how the might of the police
can suddenly intrude
184
00:10:44,960 --> 00:10:48,320
into a law-abiding community
without warning.
185
00:10:48,320 --> 00:10:52,960
So a big round of applause to the
Woodford Green Thespian Society
186
00:10:52,960 --> 00:10:55,960
for their convincing
characterisations.
187
00:11:03,960 --> 00:11:06,960
They're bound to find the money.
They might not.
188
00:11:06,960 --> 00:11:09,320
They're hardly Scotland Yard's
finest.
189
00:11:09,320 --> 00:11:11,960
Right, well, we've drawn a blank
here tonight.
190
00:11:12,960 --> 00:11:14,960
Which makes you
a very lucky young man.
191
00:11:14,960 --> 00:11:16,960
You know where the door is.
192
00:11:16,960 --> 00:11:20,800
Hold on. Travis here was arrested
with a large quantity of dodgy cigs.
193
00:11:20,800 --> 00:11:22,640
Word to the wise, son.
194
00:11:22,640 --> 00:11:24,960
You let us know who gave them
to you to sell,
195
00:11:24,960 --> 00:11:27,320
you can get off with nothing more
than a caution. If not -
196
00:11:27,320 --> 00:11:30,480
Sarge, something interesting
out in the garden.
197
00:11:30,480 --> 00:11:32,640
Has that hedgehog come back?
198
00:11:40,480 --> 00:11:42,640
Oh, my God!
199
00:11:43,960 --> 00:11:45,960
Travis!
200
00:11:52,960 --> 00:11:55,960
I hope you understand this is now
a very serious case.
201
00:11:55,960 --> 00:11:58,000
I should probably rearrest you
tonight.
202
00:11:58,000 --> 00:12:01,960
Oh, no!
But as you're only 17...
203
00:12:01,960 --> 00:12:03,960
I'm going to give you 24 hours
to make the right decision.
204
00:12:03,960 --> 00:12:06,960
You tell us who is behind this
by tomorrow,
205
00:12:06,960 --> 00:12:08,960
and I'll make sure you don't end up
206
00:12:08,960 --> 00:12:10,960
in a young offenders' institution
like your dad.
207
00:12:10,960 --> 00:12:14,640
When you went out you promised me
you wouldn't get in trouble!
208
00:12:14,640 --> 00:12:17,960
No. No, I promised I wouldn't
do any underage drinking.
209
00:12:17,960 --> 00:12:19,960
I didn't. Smell me.
210
00:12:19,960 --> 00:12:22,960
I'll smell you, all right!
I'll smell you up good!
211
00:12:23,960 --> 00:12:25,960
That's very threatening (!)
212
00:12:25,960 --> 00:12:28,160
You'd have been better off drinking,
son.
213
00:12:28,160 --> 00:12:30,160
Or better still, next time,
214
00:12:30,160 --> 00:12:32,960
get yourself a moped,
find a bird with a tube top,
215
00:12:32,960 --> 00:12:35,960
and give her a great big love bite
somewhere she won't forget.
216
00:12:39,000 --> 00:12:41,160
(TOGETHER) Barry Farmer!
217
00:12:42,960 --> 00:12:46,000
Who?
Never you mind. Get in now.
218
00:12:49,960 --> 00:12:51,960
You'd better tell us
sooner or later,
219
00:12:51,960 --> 00:12:53,960
if you ever want to sleep again.
220
00:12:53,960 --> 00:12:56,160
Give him a break, Trace.
He's just a kid.
221
00:12:56,160 --> 00:12:57,960
And a good-looking one at that.
222
00:12:57,960 --> 00:13:01,960
I think you're going to be
very popular in chokey.
223
00:13:01,960 --> 00:13:04,960
You'd better make sure you swap
that snout you're so fond of
224
00:13:04,960 --> 00:13:06,960
for a shank!
225
00:13:06,960 --> 00:13:09,960
Cos you're going to need it
where you're going, pretty boy.
226
00:13:12,960 --> 00:13:14,960
Calm down, Trace!
227
00:13:14,960 --> 00:13:17,800
What do those words even mean?
228
00:13:17,800 --> 00:13:19,960
I don't know. I think I picked 'em
up when I used to visit your dad.
229
00:13:21,000 --> 00:13:22,960
Look, who put you up to this?
230
00:13:27,960 --> 00:13:29,960
You all right, bruv?
I've been better.
231
00:13:29,960 --> 00:13:32,960
Some lowlife has got Travis
flogging stolen fags.
232
00:13:32,960 --> 00:13:35,000
When I get hold of him,
I'll ring their neck!
233
00:13:35,000 --> 00:13:37,960
It was me.
You?
234
00:13:37,960 --> 00:13:40,800
And they weren't stolen,
they were counterfeit!
235
00:13:42,960 --> 00:13:46,960
Oh! Oh, I see!
Well, that's OK then (!)
236
00:13:48,160 --> 00:13:50,960
Counterfeiting is a classy crime (!)
237
00:13:50,960 --> 00:13:53,640
No, it ain't. Classy crime
is when you nick a Picasso
238
00:13:53,640 --> 00:13:54,960
and flog it to a German!
239
00:13:56,960 --> 00:13:58,960
So you stitched
your little brother up?
240
00:13:58,960 --> 00:14:00,960
He didn't, Mum. I wanted to help.
241
00:14:00,960 --> 00:14:03,960
Wanted to help?
Dorien was right, after all.
242
00:14:03,960 --> 00:14:07,960
I tried to bring 'em up proper, but
it's too late. It's in their blood.
243
00:14:07,960 --> 00:14:10,960
I must say, Dorien,
244
00:14:10,960 --> 00:14:14,960
the Woodford Green Thespians
were tremendously well resourced.
245
00:14:14,960 --> 00:14:17,960
Five squad cars and a black Miura?
246
00:14:21,320 --> 00:14:25,960
So in the context of tonight's
excitement,
247
00:14:25,960 --> 00:14:28,960
what do we make
of Raskolnikov's claim
248
00:14:28,960 --> 00:14:34,480
that his crime was predetermined
by a force outside himself?
249
00:14:35,960 --> 00:14:37,960
Was it in his blood, so to speak?
250
00:14:37,960 --> 00:14:39,960
It's got nothing to do
with my blood.
251
00:14:39,960 --> 00:14:42,960
I did it so I could raise some money
to buy a burger van.
252
00:14:42,960 --> 00:14:45,000
But those moody fags
must have cost a bomb!
253
00:14:45,000 --> 00:14:46,960
Where did you get the money from?
254
00:14:49,160 --> 00:14:50,960
From God?
255
00:14:53,960 --> 00:14:56,960
Don't tell me you've touched
that money in the attic?
256
00:14:56,960 --> 00:14:59,960
I was investing it. I thought
I could pay it back before -
257
00:14:59,960 --> 00:15:02,960
Oh well, bang goes that cruise
I had my eye on!
258
00:15:04,960 --> 00:15:06,960
It was a buffet service and all!
259
00:15:08,960 --> 00:15:10,960
I was going to have a prawn ring.
260
00:15:13,640 --> 00:15:15,800
Finally.
261
00:15:15,960 --> 00:15:18,960
Why did you have to involve your
brother? He's just a kid!
262
00:15:18,960 --> 00:15:20,960
I'm not.
WOMEN: You are!
263
00:15:20,960 --> 00:15:24,320
Look, Travis'll be all right because
I'm going to take the rap, Mum.
264
00:15:25,160 --> 00:15:27,960
So do we believe Porfiry Petrovich,
265
00:15:27,960 --> 00:15:30,960
when he urges Raskolnikov
to confess
266
00:15:30,960 --> 00:15:33,960
when he says he'll receive a
lighter sentence for doing so?
267
00:15:33,960 --> 00:15:35,960
He's going to grass himself up?
268
00:15:38,960 --> 00:15:42,960
Grassing up someone else is bad
enough, but grassing up yourself,
269
00:15:42,960 --> 00:15:46,640
that's like,
I think the universe will implode.
270
00:15:47,800 --> 00:15:50,160
It'll be better if I say it was
all my idea. That's stupid!
271
00:15:50,160 --> 00:15:52,960
Mum's right. I'll probably get
a suspended sentence.
272
00:15:52,960 --> 00:15:55,960
Garth could get prison time.
Not necessarily.
273
00:15:55,960 --> 00:15:58,960
Yes, necessarily.
Travis, leave it!
274
00:15:58,960 --> 00:16:02,960
What are you talking about?
The thing is, Mum...
275
00:16:03,960 --> 00:16:06,000
..Garth's already got
a criminal record.
276
00:16:06,000 --> 00:16:09,960
What? Sharon, get my big rings!
277
00:16:09,960 --> 00:16:11,960
No, Mum! Wait, wait!
278
00:16:12,960 --> 00:16:14,960
So...
GARTH (OUTSIDE): I'm sorry, Mum!
279
00:16:14,960 --> 00:16:17,960
Do we buy the plot device
that Dostoevsky uses?
280
00:16:17,960 --> 00:16:21,480
(SHOUTING OUTSIDE)
When Arkady Ivanovitch Svidrigailov
281
00:16:21,480 --> 00:16:24,960
happens to overhear the conversation
between Raskolnikov
282
00:16:24,960 --> 00:16:26,960
and Sofia Semyonovna Marmeladova?
283
00:16:31,960 --> 00:16:34,960
Was that just a little
too convenient?
284
00:16:34,960 --> 00:16:37,960
No more convenient than when you
just happened to be backstage
285
00:16:37,960 --> 00:16:41,960
at that Wurzels gig, and there just
happened to be a tractor and a pig!
286
00:16:41,960 --> 00:16:44,960
I knew you'd read my book!
I skimmed a copy.
287
00:16:44,960 --> 00:16:47,960
Yeah, well, I bet it's really
well-thumbed, Melanie Fishman,
288
00:16:47,960 --> 00:16:49,960
and I'm not talking about the book!
289
00:16:50,960 --> 00:16:53,960
GARTH (OUTSIDE): I didn't have
a weapon, it was ABH!
290
00:16:53,960 --> 00:16:56,960
TRACEY: Actual bodily harm?
That was the original charge...
291
00:16:58,960 --> 00:17:00,960
Everybody, sit down immediately!
292
00:17:01,960 --> 00:17:05,000
And miss the Woodford Green
Thespians at their peak?
293
00:17:05,000 --> 00:17:08,960
Right, that's it, you sarcastic,
superior bitch!
294
00:17:10,960 --> 00:17:13,960
Book club over forever. Get out!
What about next week?
295
00:17:13,960 --> 00:17:16,960
Oh, you're very welcome to reconvene
at my house.
296
00:17:16,960 --> 00:17:21,640
It's considerably larger
and I'm an owner occupier,
297
00:17:21,640 --> 00:17:23,800
not a lodger.
298
00:17:25,960 --> 00:17:28,960
Actually, I only came
because I'm such a big fan.
299
00:17:28,960 --> 00:17:31,960
I was hoping we might discuss
Sixty Shades.
300
00:17:31,960 --> 00:17:34,960
I particularly loved the bit where
you go down on the submarine -
301
00:17:34,960 --> 00:17:36,960
Yeah, this is not the right time.
302
00:17:38,960 --> 00:17:43,960
I brought my own copy, in the hope
that you might sign it. To Gail?
303
00:17:43,960 --> 00:17:47,960
Yes, very well.
I shall treasure it.
304
00:17:48,960 --> 00:17:53,160
There we are. "To Gail. Get a life,
you pathetic creature!"
305
00:17:54,480 --> 00:17:58,960
Oh, thank you! That's so Foxy Cohen!
306
00:17:58,960 --> 00:18:00,640
Get out!
307
00:18:05,320 --> 00:18:07,960
Give me one good reason why
you decked that bloke, Garth.
308
00:18:07,960 --> 00:18:11,960
It was what he said about you, Mum.
What did he say about me?
309
00:18:11,960 --> 00:18:15,960
He said...that the only reason Dad
turned to crime in the first place
310
00:18:15,960 --> 00:18:17,960
was cos you were so demanding.
311
00:18:17,960 --> 00:18:21,960
The cars, the holidays, the swimming
pool... Well, that's not true.
312
00:18:21,960 --> 00:18:24,960
He said you spent all day watching
TV and eating chocolate biscuits.
313
00:18:24,960 --> 00:18:27,960
He was probably talking about me,
to be fair.
314
00:18:29,960 --> 00:18:32,960
He said you was the reason
our family was so screwed up.
315
00:18:32,960 --> 00:18:35,960
So I put him straight,
told him about how hard you worked,
316
00:18:35,960 --> 00:18:38,800
and saved and worried about
keeping our family together.
317
00:18:38,800 --> 00:18:41,960
How you looked after me and Trav,
made sure we wanted for nothing.
318
00:18:41,960 --> 00:18:43,960
And what did he say?
319
00:18:43,960 --> 00:18:46,000
He laughed in my face.
So you hit him?
320
00:18:46,000 --> 00:18:48,960
No, I hit him.
You hit him?
321
00:18:48,960 --> 00:18:50,960
He didn't seem to notice.
So then I hit him.
322
00:18:52,320 --> 00:18:54,480
He noticed that.
323
00:18:54,480 --> 00:18:56,960
That's the sweetest thing
I've ever heard.
324
00:18:58,960 --> 00:19:00,960
Uh, if Garth's got form,
325
00:19:00,960 --> 00:19:02,960
he'll do time. That's why
I've got to take the fall.
326
00:19:02,960 --> 00:19:04,960
You can't.
Well, Garth can't.
327
00:19:04,960 --> 00:19:06,960
I can.
(TOGETHER) You can't!
328
00:19:06,960 --> 00:19:08,640
(KNOCK AT DOOR)
Who the hell's that?
329
00:19:08,640 --> 00:19:11,960
Girls, you know I don't like
to intrude.
330
00:19:12,960 --> 00:19:15,160
Nostrovia.
331
00:19:15,160 --> 00:19:18,960
Oi! Shouldn't you be back with
your book club?
332
00:19:18,960 --> 00:19:21,640
Yeah, I've thrown them all out,
pretentious posers!
333
00:19:21,640 --> 00:19:24,320
Tracey, if there's anything
I can do -
334
00:19:24,320 --> 00:19:27,960
Garth smacked some bloke in the pub.
I know, I was listening.
335
00:19:28,960 --> 00:19:30,960
It was my fault he got caught.
336
00:19:30,960 --> 00:19:32,960
Should've known a pub called
The Helmet And Truncheon
337
00:19:32,960 --> 00:19:34,960
would be popular with the police.
338
00:19:35,960 --> 00:19:39,960
You can't both confess. I don't want
both of my boys going inside.
339
00:19:39,960 --> 00:19:41,960
Well, you're going to have
to choose then, Mum.
340
00:19:41,960 --> 00:19:44,160
Sounds like the plot of
a Russian novel!
341
00:19:45,800 --> 00:19:47,960
What one?
I don't know, I've never read one.
342
00:19:50,160 --> 00:19:52,960
How am I going to choose which son
goes to prison?
343
00:19:52,960 --> 00:19:54,960
Well, it's a tough one, Trace.
344
00:19:55,160 --> 00:19:59,960
On the one hand, there's Travis.
Clean record, A-levels coming up.
345
00:19:59,960 --> 00:20:03,960
Bright future ahead of him.
Handsome, clean living.
346
00:20:04,960 --> 00:20:07,320
And on the other hand, there's Garth.
347
00:20:13,960 --> 00:20:15,960
Tracey, before you say anything,
348
00:20:15,960 --> 00:20:18,640
I just want you to know that
whatever you decide,
349
00:20:18,640 --> 00:20:20,960
I'll back you up.
I will be there for you,
350
00:20:20,960 --> 00:20:23,960
for the boys, even for Sharon.
351
00:20:25,960 --> 00:20:28,960
And my exhaustive understanding
of classic literature
352
00:20:28,960 --> 00:20:32,960
means I think I know the decision
that you must take.
353
00:20:40,960 --> 00:20:42,960
TRACEY: Don't seem too bad in here.
354
00:20:42,960 --> 00:20:44,960
Screws seem pretty friendly.
355
00:20:44,960 --> 00:20:46,960
SHARON: For screws.
356
00:20:46,960 --> 00:20:48,960
I don't think they like
being called that.
357
00:20:48,960 --> 00:20:53,960
I'm sure they've been called worse.
So, how are you coping?
358
00:20:53,960 --> 00:20:55,960
Honestly, Mum?
359
00:20:56,960 --> 00:20:58,960
I don't think I can stand it
much longer.
360
00:20:58,960 --> 00:21:01,960
I can't eat, I can't sleep.
361
00:21:01,960 --> 00:21:03,960
I wake up in a cold sweat.
362
00:21:03,960 --> 00:21:06,480
How can you wake up in a cold sweat
if you can't sleep?
363
00:21:06,480 --> 00:21:09,960
Shut up, Sharon!
Look, don't worry, love.
364
00:21:09,960 --> 00:21:11,960
Another couple of weeks,
we'll all be back to normal.
365
00:21:11,960 --> 00:21:13,960
(BELL RINGS)
366
00:21:16,960 --> 00:21:18,960
I'm really sorry for putting you
through this, Mum.
367
00:21:18,960 --> 00:21:20,960
You don't have to keep saying that.
368
00:21:20,960 --> 00:21:22,960
You're my son and I love you.
369
00:21:22,960 --> 00:21:25,960
PRISON GUARD: OK, Stubbs.
Visiting over.
370
00:21:25,960 --> 00:21:27,960
Back to the wing.
371
00:21:30,960 --> 00:21:33,960
I love you, Mum.
It'll be OK, Travis.
372
00:21:33,960 --> 00:21:35,960
(SIGHS)
373
00:21:50,960 --> 00:21:52,960
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