Original subtitles

# What'll I do

# When you are far away?

# And I am blue

# What'll I do?

# When I'm alone

# With only dreams of you

# That won't come true

# What'll I do? #

I don't believe it! What's up?

Has Wig City cancelled your loyalty card?

Sitting around, waiting for my long-lost daughter to...

knock on the door was - Driving you bonkers? Precisely.

So I Googled her. And?

She's a vicar!

No (!)

A Jewish vicar?

Obviously, she was raised as a Christian.

Well, I can't meet her now, we'll have nothing in common!

Oh, I don't know... you do shout, "Oh, God!" a lot.

And I have caught you wearing a dog collar...

(SIGHS)

..that was made of leather with studs and it had a lead attached.

Well, she knows you're Foxy Cohen

and she's already forgiven you for that.

Er...I don't need to be forgiven.

I am actually quite proud of my...

..peccadilloes.

Oh, and just to clarify,

a peccadillo is an indiscretion...

not a small, leathery creature with a pointy face.

I knew that.

Look, come on, Dor, why don't you ring your daughter?

Or you'll never forgive yourself.

(SIGHS)

Hello.

Hello.

Sorry, we'll leave you to it.

Ah...

(CLEARS THROAT)

Well, at least the rain's held off today, thank God.

Oh, sorry.

Sorry. That's OK.

I feel really stupid, I don't know what to say.

Nor do I.

I've got some photos on my phone.

I don't know if you'd like to see them? Oh, yes.

Lovely.

There's one of me on my fifth birthday. Oh, yes.

That's me.

Apparently, I had this habit of pulling my dress up over my head.

Dad said he didn't know where I got it from.

Life's a mystery, isn't it?

Here's one of the whole family, last Christmas.

Oh. Who's that lovely, young woman?

That's your granddaughter.

And that's your grandson, he's at uni.

I've got more. Children?

Photos. No, that's fine, thank you.

I can't believe you've got grown-up children.

I am 50.

Erm...doesn't seem possible.

I was born in 1965.

You must remember, you were definitely there for that bit.

But no need for anyone else to know, is there?

That I'm your daughter? That you're 50.

S...so what should I tell people?

That I'm 40?

Thirty?

A rough looking 21?

Do you think we could get away with that?

Don't recognise the handwriting. Wonder who it's from?

There is one way to find out. How? Open it, you dozy mare!

Oh, giz it here, will you.

BOTH: Oh, my God!

Travis needs to see this.

Travis! Oh, what's going on?

Where's Naomi? Erm...she had to go.

Funeral...christening... whatever it is they do.

You're seeing her again? Oh, so you can foretell the future now, can you?

Are you taking in mending?

They're from our Auntie Vera.

Who's Auntie Vera? Sylvie's sister.

She moved to South London years ago so, naturally, we lost touch.

Well, South London is hardly Australia.

Australia we might visit.

South of the river...not so much.

The point is, Vera is pearly queen of Thornton Heath.

You mean, pearly kings and queens really exist?

I thought they were just actors dressed up like Disney characters.

Oh, sorry.

I think these buttons mean...

one of us has had the call.

It's addressed to me.

'Dear Tracey.' See?

'How's fings in the North?

I'm not so good here. Old Father Time has caught up with me

and I'm thinking of abdicating due to dodgy fish and chips.'

She's giving up because of food poisoning?

Fish and chips - hips.

Her hips are playing up.

'So it's time to pass on the crown.

Would you be interested, Tracey?'

You're gonna say no, right? It's our heritage. So?

My ancestors wandered the wilderness for 40 years,

doesn't mean I'm gonna pack up and move to Cleethorpes.

How comes you've been picked?

It's obvious, I'm the oldest.

I'm the rightful "hair".

Oh, it's a text from Naomi, asking me to meet her at the church.

Oh, that'd be nice.

What?! I don't know if it's going to work, Tracey.

Our first meeting was a disaster.

And it was all my fault, really.

I was distant, aloof...

..not like me at all.

Look, it's bound to be awkward at first.

All families have their ups and downs.

You wait till you meet Vera.

Oi. Hello, stranger.

Shells. Oh.

Dor, this is our cousin Michelle, this is our mate, Dorien.

All right? Heard Auntie Vera'd been in touch.

How are the boys? Sharon?

Boys are good. Sharon's Sharon.

You? Fine. I'm just on my way to the addiction clinic.

What is it you're addicted to?

Must be low pay and hard work... I'm a nurse.

Look, why don't you pop round Vera's with us, we'll have a catch-up.

She won't be pleased to see me, Trace.

Look after yourself, hon. And you, love.

Ta-ta.

They're always falling out, they're the rough side of the family.

Oh. Aunt Sylvie used to say, "They drunk out of jam jars."

(DOORBELL)

Tracey, lovely to see you, come in. Thanks, Auntie V.

Sharon, what the bleeding hell have you done to yourself?

That's not Sharon, that's our mate, Dorien.

Thank God for that.

I've done you a nice sandwich each but don't feel you've gotta eat it.

So, what do pearlies actually do, Vera?

Ooh, hark at Kate Middleton's nan.

I'll tell you what we do -

we raise money for charity, thousands every year.

That photo Tracey's looking at,

is us down Covent Garden rattling our collecting buckets.

It's wonderful what you do, V, I just hope I can live up to it.

Well, you have to learn the ropes.

I'll make you a pearly princess... A pearly princess, blimey.

..and I'll lend you one of my old outfits.

You treat it with respect, mind.

Only fair to warn you, it's hard work.

We are out for our charities come rain, come shine,

7/11, 395 days a year.

It's why I've gotta step down.

I can't do so much now I'm getting on.

Well, I don't have to tell you that.

I've got something I wanna show you.

(I don't care how much money she raises for charity,

she's a ghastly woman!)

Shush.

That's me with Sir Bobby Charlton.

Which one's you, Vera?

Auntie V, I've noticed Michelle in a lot of them photos with you,

in her buttons, isn't she next in line? Never a consideration.

(PHONE RINGS)

Come on, eat your sandwiches.

That's a lovely bit of pork luncheon meat.

Oh, then I can't, I'm Jewish.

Don't worry about that.

I bought that in The World of Quid...

..there's no pork in it, it's all filler.

Hello.

Sharon... (CHUCKLES)

I thought I'd be hearing from you.

Oh, yeah, it'd be lovely to see you.

Give it half-hour.

Are you ready? Yes!

Come on.

Well? How do I look?

Incredible!

But not as incredible as me!

.

.

You can't take over from Vera, I'm the oldest.

What difference does that make?

Let the battle commence.

Oh, this is going to be a really special kind of madness.

Are you doing this just to spite me?

No. Why do you always assume that you should be the princess?

It's exactly the same as when we were kids.

I was always the ugly witch.

You and that Maxine McArthur

used to Sellotape raisins to my nose for warts.

I'm more cockney than you. Rubbish!

Dor, who's the most cockney out of us two?

You both have appalling diction so on that basis, it's hard to pick a winner.

And you don't know the words to My Old Man Said Follow The Van.

You're always dillying when you should be dallying

and dallying when you should be dillying.

I know more rhyming slang than you do.

Huh! No-one'll Adam and Eve that.

You may as well be speaking Klingon.

OK, what's Nuremberg's?

Nuremberg trials, piles.

April? April in Paris, Aris...

which you speak out of most of the time.

Tom and Dick? Sick,

which you're gonna be when Vera picks me.

Sherbet? Sherbet dab, cab.

Linen?

You don't know, do you?!

Linen sheets with matching pillow slips, Harvey Nicks.

What?! Well, I'm just trying to help.

Yeah, well, don't.

She's putting me off. Five, four, three, two... Linen dress.

Wrong. Linen draper, paper. I win, in your face!

What's with all the shouting?

Trying to do my homework, I can hear you over the telly.

Oh, my God!

You aren't seriously planning to go out like that?

Yes, we are! And so are you.

You're gonna be my consort. What?

Would you like the telephone number for ChildLine?

Forget it, all right?

I'm not dressing up like flipping Dick van Dyke for anyone.

Right, here are your collecting buckets

and I'm looking forward to seeing who raises the most.

Is he ever gonna take his coat off?

Oh, he will do, V, he's just a bit shy.

Well, he's no good to us lurking in corners.

(Your cousin Brian lurked in corners

and we all know what happened to him.)

Right, I'll let you choose your own collecting spots.

And may the best princess win.

Oh, don't worry, V...I will.

Will you take your jacket off? You're giving Auntie Vera the hump.

I don't care, Mum. Look, if anyone I know sees me out in this,

I'll be viral before the day is out.

Black mark against you if he don't pull his weight.

(SIGHS) Who's that?

That's Lois.

She's your cousin.

Third cousin...half a dozen times removed or something.

Hold on to that.

Hello, I'm Amanda.

Have you been here before? Er...no.

Well, let's get you a coffee and find you a friend to talk to.

No, that really won't be necessary.

It's really cool that you're so independent

but there's no need for you to be lonely.

I'm a bestselling author with a wide circle of friends.

In that case, I'll sit you next to Mr Compton,

he thinks he's a concert pianist.

And I am not senile.

Where can I find Reverend Naomi?

She's busy at the moment. (SIGHS)

Now, are you managing to keep warm?

The Salvation Army have a supply of hot water bottles if you need one.

I've already got two...

a semiretired hedge fund manager called Charles

and an international arms dealer named Alfonso.

But it's OK, I never have them both in bed with me at the same time.

I worry one of them might burst.

Oh, Naomi, could you look after er...? Thank you.

I think I may have challenged her view of the over 60s a little.

I'm so glad you came. Mm.

It all got a bit fraught, last time, didn't it? Mm.

Sorry.

Mr Compton... (RAISES VOICE) Yes, thinks he's a concert pianist, yes.

Shall we sit down?

(SIGHS)

Look, this is a little awkward, I am not a natural mother.

Is that why you gave me up?

I was 17!

No-one to support me.

My mother was hardly a shining example of maternal love.

"Marry the first man who asks, Dorien.

You can't be picky, you're no Sophia Loren.

Never have children, Dorien,

you'll only screw them up like you screw up everything else."

She wrote that in a birthday card...

..when I was nine.

If only I'd known your father was going to adopt you,

he should have told me.

But then, if we'd stayed together, I wouldn't be the woman I am today.

And the world would have been robbed of Foxy Cohen.

(SIGHS) I really enjoyed 60 Shades of Green.

You bought it?!

No, I found it hidden amongst the hymn books.

I recognise quite a bit of myself in there.

Really?! I wasn't always a vicar.

I used to be a hard-boiled investment banker.

That scenario, on the yacht with the Russian oligarch

could have been based on me. Really?

Sorry, I suppose I do have to admit to a few er...

Peccadilloes.

Collecting for the kiddies hospital.

(SIGHS)

Money for kids that are really, really ill. Really ill.

Make a donation to the children's hospital and get a free gift.

Cheers, love, take your free gift, take your free gift.

Thank you, thanks a lot.

Free gift?

Novelty straws from World of Quid, fiver a box.

Oi!

That's cheating! By cheating, you mean you wish you'd thought of it.

Give us it here now, I mean it!

Oi, oi!

Having a bull and cow in public.

You're a disgrace to your buttons.

I ain't seen that sort of behaviour from a princess

since Margaret came down the East End

and arm wrestled a stevedore in the prospect of Whitby.

Did she win? Not the point!

Unbecoming to her position.

Now, we're gonna give the punters a knees-up,

that always pulls in a few quid.

So behave yourselves. BOTH: Sorry, Auntie V.

You started that. You started that.

You started, you pushed - You started. Don't touch it.

I won't...tell you again.

Ow!

# My old man said follow the van

# And don't dilly dally on the way

# Off went the van with my home packed in it

# I followed on with my old cock linnet

# I dillied, I dallied

# I dallied and I dillied

# Lost my way and don't know where to roam

# Oh, you can't trust a special like the old-time coppers

# When you can't find your way home #

(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)

Thank you, thank you, thank you.

Oi, get up the back. Come on, you ain't queen yet.

Vera's just rang.

She said I out-collected you by £35...

and 42p.

She reckons I'm a natural behind the bucket so, in your face.

Oh, hello, Michelle, all right? Not really, mate.

20 years I've been in buttons

and it's always been a given, yeah, that I take over from Auntie Vera.

But suddenly, you two come on the scene,

and I'm chucked in the bin like yesterday's chip paper.

No, hang on...

Vera told us that you weren't up for consideration

so we just assumed you didn't fancy it.

Well, why would she say that?

You know what I think? Vera's using us as prawns in her game.

So, what's all this? A delegation? If you like.

Why have you got the hump with Michelle?

She knows. I don't. I really don't.

So we wanna know what you're up to?

I'll tell you.

She had a 50th birthday party down the Hand and Flower.

Lovely spread by all accounts, like one of them Iceland adverts...

..only I wouldn't know...

cos I wasn't invited.

Yes, you were. I sent you the invite myself.

What, that scruffy bit of paper someone shoved through my letterbox?

You call that an invite?! I printed that out specially.

Everyone else got a text. So, what did you want, Vera?

A footman to deliver it on a velvet cushion?

It would have showed more consideration.

Supposing next door's cat had got it?

I would never have seen it.

I'm really sorry, Auntie Vera.

I should have handed it to you myself, in person.

Well...

no-one can call me a petty woman...

..I'll make Shell my heir.

Didn't take you long to reconsider!

Ain't got much choice.

You two was a colossal disappointment.

Right, who wants a nice spam sandwich to celebrate?

ALL: No!

# Off went the van with my home packed in it

# I followed on with my old cock linnet

# Well, I dallied, I dillied #

No, no, no, you dilly, then you dally.

What's wrong with you? OK, OK, don't shout at me.

All right, Dor? Just practising our knees-up.

In case Michelle don't cut the mustard. Do you wanna join in? That might be embarrassing.

I'm not appropriately dressed for a knees-up.

Don't you ever wear any?

How was your night out with Naomi?

Oh, it was fine. We went for dinner, then to a wine bar...

Naomi wore her dog collar, got mistaken for a stripogram.

What do they say?

"The acorn don't fall far from the tree."

And then she told me she's been offered the job as Dean of Canterbury.

That's OK, Canterbury's not that far.

Canterbury, New Zealand.

Oh, that's a bit more than a bus ride.

Oh, that's a shame.

You made a lovely rum and water.

What? Rum and water...

..mum and daughter.

See? Even she's more cocknier than what you are.

Oi, you just made that up!

subtitles by Deluxe

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