Original subtitles

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# What'll I do

# When you are far away

# And I am blue

# What'll I do

# When I'm alone

# With only dreams of you

# That won't come true

# What'll I do

I really love Dorien.

After all the things I've said about that woman,

she still treats us to a winter holiday.

(SIGHS) Christmas in the Canary Islands.

I wonder if we'll see any.

Any what? Canaries.

They've got to have come from there

or they wouldn't have called them the Canary Islands, would they?

Not necessarily. I mean, the Virgin Islands aren't full of virgins.

Well, not since Dorien went there anyway.

Right, just time to make myself a bacon sarnie before we leave.

Do you fancy one? I can't go.

We've got syrup of figs in the medicine cabinet.

No, I mean I can't get on the plane.

Not that old fear of flying, is it?

Look, just take a big swig of Dr Doze when we get on board

and by the time you wake up, you'll be surrounded by little yellow birds.

Mum, it's the middle of the night.

Oh, couldn't you sleep, Travis, love?

What, with all the racket you two are making?

You're worried about us going away, ain't ya? I could still try and get you a flight.

You can have my room and I'll bunk in with aunty Sharon.

I don't think so. I might get lucky.

Mum, I'll be fine.

Look, I just feel so guilty about leaving my baby at home.

You've had a baby?

You're my baby.

Mum, I'm 17. Well, what if you get all lonely and sad?

Look, I'll be a lot sadder if I have to go on holiday with three old ladies.

That told you.

Ooh, what do you think?

Er...

Fabulous, Dor. You look like a young Kim Kardashian.

And what about this?

Too much? (LAUGHS)

No!

No, not at all. I mean, a lot of people couldn't carry that off

but you, Dor...

And these?

S-s-stunning.

Just so imaginative.

Oh, for God's sake, Sharon.

The holiday's paid for.

Just stop trying to be so nice. It's unnatural.

So what'd you buy all this stuff for, then?

Just to wind me up? Only cost a few hundred.

Now that my book royalties are flowing again

it is a mere bagatelle.

It's a bag of something.

That's better, Sharon, much better.

I should have done a bigger shop. What are my boys gonna eat?

(SCOFFS) Not this bacon. (DOOR RATTLES)

MALE VOICE: # Good King Wenceslas looked down - Who's that?

..on the feast of Stephen. Carol singers?

Cheers, Mum. Ugh, Garth. I should have guessed.

Have you been out all night, Garthie?

Well, you know what they say, early worm catches the bird.

Well...that's not exactly what they say.

I brought one home with me. Is that all right?

I won't know until I've seen her.

Where you hiding her? In this box.

What is she, a contortionist?

Feast your eyes on...

(GRUNTS)

..this.

Ta-dah. Oh, my God, what is it?

An ostrich?

No. It's a pigeon.

Don't be stupid. A pigeon stuffed in a chicken,

stuffed in a capon, stuffed in a goose, all stuffed in a turkey.

You are joking. You mean you've never heard of a five-bird roast?

(CAR HORN HONKS) Oh, that's the taxi. Come on. Oh.

Here, you might as well have this, Garth.

I'm just going to go and change. I'll only be an hour.

Cheers, Dor, you've saved my bacon.

Do you reckon Dor's brought enough luggage?

No, but it's a budget airline.

She's making sacrifices.

Where are the porters?

What you doing? Just a little marketing.

That's put them up where they belong.

Who do you think you are? Banksy?

This way they can't send them back to the publisher.

That lady's scribbling in the books.

Lovely. Oh, and I better have some condoms.

What sizes have you got? The bigger the better, know what I mean?

Just kidding. I'll have a dozen.

Might get lucky, eh?

Keep the change, love. Feeling flush.

I'd pull the chain.

Have you got a bottle of Dr Doze, please?

Only I'm a really nervous flyer

and someone told me that a couple swigs of this

will knock me out for the duration.

Sorry if I'm talking too much but I'm a really nervous flyer.

I already said that, didn't I?

Sorry. All right, Trace? Not really.

She's a really nervous flyer.

10.99 for some aftersun? We do this for a quid!

We do anything for a quid.

Pamela? Sonia? (GASPS)

Hello. Oh, hello, darling.

Mwah. Shazza! Hello, you.

Oh, my God, you're getting married.

I didn't even know you was pregnant.

Trace, Trace, look. It's Pamela and Sonia from World of Quid.

They're going Tenerife and all. How do you know?

Oh.

What you got in there? This and that.

They made you pay for all those books you defaced, didn't they?

I'm going to the executive lounge to take refuge from the riff-raff.

Riff-raff? Who died and made you queen?

Do I know you? I'm Sonia. You tried sacking me from World of Quid

for nicking pick and mix. No hard feelings, eh?

Girls, we've got time for a cocktail, come on. Oh!

I just hope they're not on our flight.

Aw, this will be a nice surprise for Sharon.

Do you do gift wrapping?

My mum won't be back until the 30th. I know, it's brilliant.

Mate, this Christmas will make the Inbetweeners look like Sound of Music.

No, it's just me and my brother. His girlfriend shoved off back to Australia.

Do you, er, want a hand with them lights? I'll call you back.

Sorry, mate. I didn't see you there. What I said about Marcie - It's true.

She did shove off back to Australia.

You never said, you know...why.

Just homesick? So she said,

but I was never much cop at long-term relationships.

First few months are always brilliant.

Basically you only get out of bed to order pizza,

do you know what I mean?

Not really. But then you realise you've got nothing in common

except you don't like anchovies.

What do you mean, not really?

I've just never had...

you know... What?

Anchovies?

No. It.

You have never had 'it'?

Bruv, this has gotta change.

I'm gonna make sure that my little brother has a Christmas to remember.

Chantelle, it's Garth, your little stud muffin.

Woo-hoo! Tenerife, here we come!

(CHEERING AND LAUGHTER)

How comes you got extra legroom?

It ain't like you've got extra legs.

Remind me how much you paid for your seat, Sharon.

Sorry, Dor. Party, party, party!

We meet again, lovely lady.

Nice and cosy.

Ah.

(SIGHS) Who'd have thought when we were buying condoms together, eh?

Tracey Stubbs!

Would you mind wiggling your bottom, Tracey?

Do you want a fat lip?

No, you're sitting on my prong.

Of course, the only reason we have to wear these

is in the event of a crash, it's easier to identify the corpses.

Their eyes met over the superb caviar canapes,

which were the signature pre-dinner nibbles of Air on a G String,

the world's sexiest airline.

Business or pleasure, he enquired,

a naughty twinkle in his clear, blue eyes.

Excuse me, would you mind not reading aloud?

Oh, no, I'm not reading, I'm writing.

Actually, I'm dictating.

Maybe you've heard of my first book, 60 Shades of Green.

Maybe your wife. I'm not married.

Widowed?

Divorced? Gay?

You're interrupting a private conversation, Sharon. I know.

So, you now know what I do. How about you?

I work for the airline. (Gay.)

(BEEP) TANNOY: 'This is Captain James Banner welcoming you aboard flight 80212 to Tenerife.

Unfortunately our take-off has been slightly delayed

due to fallout from yesterday's Sahara desert sandstorm.'

Oh. Oh. (PASSENGERS MURMUR)

Oh, my God.

Please calm yourself. There's nothing to worry about.

How do you know? I'm chief engineer for the airline

and I can assure you these planes have an exemplary safety record.

You don't crash often, then? No. Just the once.

Whose side are you on?

I was in Australia but now I am back,

I'm buff and I am ready to party.

Be just like old times. You, me and a bottle of tequila.

Oh. When's it due?

Really? Oh, congratulations.

You can call him Jesus.

Another one bites the dust, then?

That's six loved up, five moved away

and one sex change.

He was up for it, though.

This bit creases me up. 'Place the oxygen mask over your face and breathe normally'.

It ought to say, 'Place the mask over your face and scream hysterically

as the plane plummets from the sky'.

Oops. Oh! How did that happen?

I don't usually fly budget but there's nothing like real-life experience

to get the creative juices flowing.

For instance, it just occurred to me that Foxy, my alter ego might join the 50-foot high club.

The which? It's like the mile high club

except you do it while the plane is still on the ground. What do you think?

I don't read a great deal of fiction.

Oh. (That's not what I mean.)

I always research my books thoroughly

because you can't beat the smack of authenticity. (If you get my drift.)

You mean - ? (Don't say another word.)

I'll go to the you-know-where...

..you take a few seconds and then casually slip in.

Oh, Captain Jonathan, pilot my plane.

Little did the passengers realise that the flight delay was not the result of some fictional sandstorm

but of the very real sex storm raging in the first class lavatory.

Toilet. Bathroom.

Decide later.

As Foxy and Captain Jonathan wrestled each other's clothes off

with wanton abandon... Oh, Foxy,

this is good.

Where's he got to?

Hello? (DORIEN KNOCKS ON DOOR) Jonathan?

Jonathan.

Anybody?

Hello!

Let me out! (RATTLES DOOR)

What's that banging? DORIEN: Hello!

Must be Dorien. What's she doing in there?

DORIEN: Hello! (BANGING ON DOOR)

Assuming the brace position, I expect.

Hello!

..

..

I have never been so humiliated.

Not since - The last time you were humiliated?

Trollop. I beg your pardon?

Three across, 'Victorian novelist, contemporary of Dickens'.

Oh.

Tart. What?

Three down, acid dessert.

How did you make that out?

Well, with tart as a dessert, and an acid remark is tart.

Right, seven down, what's left over after a coal mine closes?

Unemployed miners.

Slag. That's it.

Nothing to do now.

Can I borrow your Danielle Steel, Trace?

It's in my case. I'll get it. You wait there.

Hold on. (BEEP) TANNOY: 'Ladies and gentlemen, this is Captain Banner speaking.

On behalf of Air Today, I'd like to apologise for the delay

I've just heard from air traffic control that we have at last been cleared for take-off.'

Yeah. FEMALE PASSENGER: Yay, woo-hoo!

'So can you please return to your seat, fasten your seat belts

and switch all electronic devices to flight mode.'

That includes your Korean love eggs, Dor.

'In addition, can you make sure your tray table is folded away,

your armrest is down and you're seated in an upright position.

Senior cabin members, doors for automatic cross check.'

(SNORING)

(LOWERED VOICE) And then, all passions slaked, Foxy unfolded him in her slim yet well toned arms

and whispered...something wet and sticky just hit me in the face.

You need to work on your dialogue.

No, something wet and sticky really did just...

Now it's on my hair. Stewardess.

Stewardess!

You again. What now? Up there. Something is leaking.

The fuel line is fractured. I'm sure it's nothing, sir.

Is this is anyone's?

(TRACEY SNORES)

Anybody's? No.

What's that smell?

Almonds. I-i-it's probably just sun oil.

I will investigate further, though.

Don't lie to us. Everyone knows what the smell of almonds means -

plastic explosions. It's a bomb. Brace, brace, brace!

(PASSENGERS SCREAM AND PANIC) It's a bomb. Trace! Trace, it's a bomb!

Everybody keep calm!

(SIRENS)

It's all right, Trace, come on, I'm here.

There you go. There you go.

Jump.

So you got your leg over him after all.

What's happened, Dor? You've gone all little.

Because that awful stewardess made me abandon my favourite shoes.

Who cares about shoes? The plane could explode any second.

Oh, no! I've got ten grand's worth of jewellery in my bag.

You ain't. No, of course I ain't but insurance don't know that, do they?

What's he doing?

Taking the suspect device away to destroy it, obviously.

That ain't a suspect device.

That's Sharon's Christmas present.

What? What?

You're giving her explosives?

Don't be stupid. It's bath stuff.

So you brought air traffic to a standstill over half of Europe?

Unbelievable. Oi. It's your fault, not Tracey's.

We'd be on the beach by now if you hadn't reacted like an hysterical little schoolboy.

Everybody, we're trying to get you all booked on a rescheduled flight tomorrow.

(CHEERING) I should hope so.

Except you. I can assure you, you will never fly Air Today again.

And goodwill to all men.

Hang on a minute. Aaaaaaggggghhhhh!

A-ha-ha!

Go on, Dor! Woo! (LAUGHTER)

What was all that about? The cow was wearing my Manolos.

So, now what?

All back to mine. Ours. Ours.

You said there were going to be chicks, bitch.

They're just not here yet, all right?

You keep saying that, bitch,

but I'm starting to think you're just jiving with me.

Why does he talk like that?

Where is he from anyway? Basildon New Town.

He's watched Breaking Bad 13 times.

15 times, bitch.

The choice was between coming here

and going carol-singing round my Nan's rest home.

I think I made the wrong decision.

I remember Christmas in the bad times

when Lithuania suffered under the Communist yoke.

There was no joy. No food, no drink, no Internet...

This is worse.

What is wrong with you lot?

We've given you free booze, unlimited tortilla chips...

You promised us hot chicks. (FEMALE VOICES SCREAM AND LAUGH)

Have a look, fresh meat. Mm, you're getting married, remember.

Not 'til next week. (LAUGHS)

Where'd they come from? I have no idea.

Father Christmas?

(MUSIC PLAYS) Woo!

Oh, yeah!

(MUSIC STOPS)

Mum? Mum.

Why ain't you in the Canaries?

Because I missed you two too much. Come here. Oh, Mum, no. Oh. Oh, what?

She hijacked the plane and flew it to Chigwell.

Good job we did come back when we did. This place looks like a bomb's hit it.

Don't you mention bombs to me.

(MUSIC PLAYS) (SCREAMING AND CHEERING) Woo!

Hello, who might you be?

This is my mate Jonas from Lithuania.

Oh, Lithuania, land of lakes and balalaikas.

Believe it or not, I am actually part Lithuanian

on my grandmother's side.

I do believe it. I can see it in your eyes... Oh.

..in your colouring,

in your hair. (LAUGHS) That's not strictly her hair.

Yes, you are the image of my grandmother.

Oh, babushka.

Babushka! Big Kate Bush fan, is he?

You are actually suffocating me, I can't breathe. Can you let me go?

Garthie? Haven't we got anything to eat?

We're all starving. Well, we weren't exactly expecting you.

I could do the five-bird roast. That will take hours.

Not on a barbecue. Nice one, bruv.

You can't barbecue a whole turkey.

Mum, Garth did it last Christmas on Bondi Beach.

It's on YouTube. 3,000 likes.

It is a piece of cake.

You fill the barbecue with oil, get it to boiling point,

slide in the turkey, ten minutes, job done.

Are you sure? Trace, Garth's a trained chef.

What could go wrong?

(WHISTLING NOISE)

SHARON: Anyone fancy a pizza?

subtitles by Deluxe

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