Original subtitles

(THEME MUSIC PLAYING)

No breakfast for you?

I brought me own. It's here somewhere.

Zero calories and you can go back as many times as you like.

Oh.

Oh, bollocks, I've run out of juice.

Well, we have orange, pineapple or summer breeze.

Not that juice, I forgot to charge me cig.

What' s summer breeze?

It's pineapple juice with a dash of orange.

Oh. Will you charge that for me?

I can't be arsed going back upstairs.

We are not supposed to be charging the phones

or the electric cigarettes behind the bar.

I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to be wearing a mucky old vest

and slope off for a fag every 20 minutes, either.

Good point well made.

Ooh, they've got no hash browns.

Oh, you'll waste away.

It's all right. I doubled up on sausages and black pudding.

Thank God for that.

Now, what's the problem with this venue?

I've told you.

there is no problem.

We've just got to book it today or it's gone.

What do you mean, "it's gone"?

The rugby club's not gonna disappear overnight.

You know what I mean.

The booking.

We've already lost one venue through fannying about.

I wouldn't want my silver wedding in a crappy prefab building

on the side of a muddy field.

Well, luckily, even if you did find some idiot who wanted to marry you,

I don't think you'd be spending 25 years with him.

Is that bar not open yet? They've only got orange juice here.

There's pineapple as well.

Oh, no, I couldn't have either.

They give me terrible acid reflux.

One gobful, I'd be in agony for the rest of day.

Why don't you have a summer breeze?

What's a summer breeze?

- Breakfast cocktail. I'll get you one. - Oh!

Thanks, Loretta.

Did you see what just happened?

No.

You didn't see your mother just then?

No, I've got me eyes shut.

You didn't see what your mother just did to my father?

I just told you, I've got me eyes shut.

You wouldn't have believed it if you had seen it.

Oh, for crying out loud!

Your mother just stood up and stroked me father's hair.

She probably put itching powder in it.

There you go, summer breeze.

Now, she's just gone and got him a drink.

Billy, why can't you just accept

that my mother, on occasion, can be a caring, compassionate person?

I beg your pardon?

All right, maybe not caring and compassionate

but at least not the conniving evil witch you always make her out to be.

(GROANING)

- You bastard. You evil bastard! - What?

Oh, what is going on?

Your mother just tried to poison me dad.

All's well with the world.

You know I can't take orange juice.

Breakfast cocktail, my arse.

JACQUELINE: Oh, I'm sorry, Liam.

I could've sworn I told you I was gonna have a nap midday by the pool.

Yeah, you did.

Are you okay?

Do you want some help opening the salon?

Yeah, have you got a pneumatic drill?

Oh, I've got something very similar in me room.

But you might want to run it under a tap first.

Oh! Liam!

The door's disappeared.

LIAM: I know.

(GASPS) oh, I think I know what's happened.

- Go on. - I don't think the door's disappeared,

I think someone has bricked up the entrance.

It's a good job I rang you.

Well, I do have a kind of sixth sense about these kind of things.

So, what do you think's going on there?

I don't have the answer to that question, Jacqueline.

But I bet I know who does.

Temple-Savage.

Wait for me.

I'm afraid I have no other choice

than to terminate your employment at the Solana forthwith.

Considering your recent behaviour

you're lucky we're not bringing legal action against you.

Any request for references will be at the manager's sole discretion.

But Joyce, you are the manager.

And my wife.

Couldn't you give me another chance?

(KNOCKING AT DOOR)

Go away.

It's very important. It's Liam from Blow & Go.

I'm busy. Go away!

I'm sorry, Monty, you've had all the chances I can possibly give you.

With no job, I've got no income.

My pride won't let me live off your earnings.

What about savings?

I didn't think you had any.

Not my savings, your savings.

What, my savings?

Do you know how much that wedding cost me?

Oh, and what a triumph that was!

So.

You regret marrying me.

I don't regret marrying you, Monty.

I just don't see how we can remain married

with you here destroying my hotel's reputation.

Right.

That's it.

I don't need to stay here to be insulted.

A man of my talents can walk into any place and get a job.

Off you go, then.

You can stick your reference where the monkey keeps his nuts.

I'll get a job today and it'll be without any help from you.

(DOOR CLOSES)

(DOOR OPENS)

You haven't got 20 euros, have you? I don't think I've got any petrol.

Take it from reception.

Hi, I've got a great trip to Guadalest.

If you're interested, I'm in reception.

Morning handsome.

Bet you say that to all the boys.

No, only the handsome ones.

- You got a busy day? - So-so.

(SIGHS) Day off tomorrow, though.

Fancy doing something?

Oh, I've got an old workmate coming over from Ibiza.

But I can keep you posted.

I would suggest a double date.

But I'm not too sure I want the responsibility

of giving your mate Callum as a blind date.

It's a guy actually.

Oh, my bad. Definitely not, then.

Yeah. Angelo.

He's a D.J.

We used to go out back in the day.

But we're just mates now, though.

Right. So this is your ex?

Technically, I suppose. But you're cool with it, aren't you?

Oh, yeah. Yeah, man. Totally cool.

Yeah, ice cool.

Literally sub-zero, really, really cool.

(LAUGHS)

- I mean, we're cool, aren't we? - Yeah, of course, we're totally cool.

Uh, I hate to judge but yous two sound like the most uncool people

on the face of the Earth.

Right, well. I'll catch you later.

Cool.

What the hell was that about?

Sam's got an ex coming over.

From Ibiza.

He's a D.J.

Called Angelo.

Now he does sound cool.

LIAM: Well, she can't hide in her office all day.

Meanwhile, I think you need a solicitor.

Morning!

Don't suppose you could squeeze me in today, can you?

I can't squeeze anybody in, we've got no front door.

- Eh? - Temple-Savage

has bricked up the entrance to Blow & Go.

- She can't do that! - She's done it.

Well, we think she's done it.

Who else can it be?

Hmm. Shame.

Just when Kenneth and Temple-Savage were starting to like each other.

Luckily, it's Kenneth's day off, so he'll still be out from last night.

Well, if you need backup, you know where I am.

- Thanks, Sam. - Thanks, love.

Well, let's hope Kenneth surfaces soon.

KENNETH: Oh, me head.

(COUGHING)

(GROANS)

10:00 a.m. my arse.

Still the middle of the bloody night.

Cheap market rubbish.

Where exactly are you going again?

I told you, we're going for a walk.

A walk?

You are going for a walk?

I don't mind a nice walk.

As long as coffee and cake's involved.

Watch out for the coffee, she tried to poison you once today.

- A misunderstanding. - Mm.

Do you want anything bringing from off compound?

No, we're fine, thank you.

Just come back arguing and we'll feel the world has somehow corrected itself

from all this madness.

Life's too short to bear a grudge.

I'm surprised you've not learnt that after 25 years of marriage.

A-ha!

- I know what you're up to. - What are they up to?

- I've worked it out. - What have you worked out?

You almost got away with it, but that last sentence gave you away.

Could you stop talking like Velma from Scooby-Doo

and just tell me what's going on?

"Twenty-five years"!

They're organising a surprise party for our silver wedding anniversary.

BILLY: Oh, thank God for that.

I was starting to think you actually liked each other.

- No we're not. - Eh?

We're not organising you a party. Are we?

No, no, we're not.

Did you want a party?

- I didn't think you liked parties. - I don't.

EDDIE: Well there you go, then.

I like parties.

Do you want us to help you organise one?

(SIGHS) No.

It's too much faffing about.

Anyway, we don't land till 7:00 tomorrow.

Well, there you are, then. Right. We're off. See you later.

- All right. Bye. - See you later.

That were a close one.

I think we got away with it.

One beer and one orange juice.

Cheers, man.

So listen.

I've not mentioned it up till now because...

I guess it's a delicate subject but...

Are you in a recovery programme?

Are you joking bruv?

I don't even have a car.

No. Are you in a recovery programme for,

you know, something else?

Like a motorbike?

For Christ's sake.

I'm not talking about the bloody RAC.

Oh, sorry.

I'm talking about AA.

I thought they were the same,

apart from one has a yellow badge and the other one has a blue...

Alcoholics Anonymous.

Are you an alcoholic?

Of course not.

It's just that alcohol doesn't agree with me.

Joey, alcohol doesn't agree with anyone.

Get this man a beer.

When I say it doesn't agree with me,

I mean it makes me do these horrible eggy farts

that make my clothes stink for days.

He'll stick with the orange juice.

So, what's going on with Sam the Eagle?

Who's Sam the Eagle?

Your Sam.

Why do you call her Sam the Eagle?

Because her name is Sam and she's a massive, scary bird.

- Very funny. - I thought so.

She's not massive.

And she's not my Sam.

We're just friends.

Friends with benefits.

She's not on benefit, she works here.

Friends with benefits, as in she's not your girl,

but you get all the benefits and none of the headache.

- I know. I get it. - I know you do.

Sometimes twice a day. I mean, the woman is insatiable.

Yeah, well, probably not for much longer.

Her ex arrives tomorrow.

Oh, aye.

Angelo, the D.J. from Ibiza.

You've got absolutely no chance up against him, mate.

But look on the bright side.

For a guy who likes big older birds, you're practically in Disneyland.

I mean, you can't move for big, fat, middle-aged women in Benidorm.

I mean, you literally can't move...

Will you just shut up?

You don't get it, do you?

It's not about liking someone who's big or small or short or tall.

It's about a connection.

It goes past the physical.

A meeting of minds.

Not that you'd know.

Christ, where'd she arrange to meet his mind?

Must've been like looking for "Where's Wally". (CHUCKLES)

He's the one who's been getting laid all week.

Who's the Wally now?

How many times do I have to tell you?

As soon as I hear from head office

about this latest phase of building work,

I'll be in touch.

Latest phase of building work? You bricked up our salon.

I have not bricked up your salon.

Is this your hotel or not?

I have said all I am willing to say on the subject.

Maybe I should call Crystal and find out what's going on.

Maybe you should mind your own business.

She's gone mad. Absolutely stark raving mad.

Hey, what happened to Blow & Go?

It has blown and gone, no?

Mateo, the salon hasn't blown away, it's been bricked up.

Is what I am saying.

Why can't you people not be taking a joke?

Right, I think it's time we got some legal representation.

Ooh, that's sounds expensive.

It's all right. I know a fella who knows a fella.

Right, okay.

Hang on.

Does either of these fellas know a solicitor?

- Yeah. - Oh, good.

- See you later. - Good luck.

- Do you know anything about this? - Yes, of course.

Head Office consulate me about everything that goes on in this hotel.

Do they?

No. Of course, they do not.

I spend my days watering down vodka and mopping vomit.

All right, keep your wig on.

You've got to admit, though, it's not normal.

This is Benidorm.

When was the last time you see anything normal?

Well, I'm gonna find out what's going on.

Hurray for you.

Let me know when you have done this and I will be giving you the clap.

In your dreams.

SHERON: I might have a dip.

You just had an hot dog.

A dip in the...

(EXASPERATED)

(SCREAMS)

Maybe we should do something for our anniversary.

We probably could have done

if you hadn't have booked our flights for tomorrow.

So it's my fault.

Could go the Red Fez?

Are you offering to take me to a kebab shop

for our 25th wedding anniversary?

It's not a kebab shop, it's a Turkish restaurant.

It's a kebab shop.

You try telling Abdul that, he'll be very upset.

Abdul won't be upset because I won't be telling him that.

Because I will not be going to his kebab shop for our anniversary.

I could just eat that now.

Bit of humorous, bit of that tombola,

couple of them dogmas.

Bit of, um, click-clack, er...

What do you call that yogurt stuff?

I have no idea.

It's a bit like Spanish tapas, isn't it? But with, um...

Words you can't pronounce?

Oh, we could go to The Grange.

Why the bloody hell would you want to go there for?

Why the bloody hell would you want to go to the Red Fez?

Because it's cheap, it's local.

Did it ever cross your mind that I might not want cheap and local?

The Grange is 20 minutes away,

which means it's too pricey for a cab there and back,

which means one of us can't drink.

We could get a room there for the night.

At The Grange? Are you out of your tiny mind?

I mean... (CLEARS THROAT)

What I mean is, you know, what's the point

of paying to stay somewhere that's 20 minutes away from your own bed?

There's nowt like your own bed, is there?

That's, that's what I meant.

That's...all I meant.

Right. Well, I am having a party.

We are having a party.

What? In the house?

- No, not in the house. - Oh, at the Red Fez?

Or somewhere, somewhere else.

- What are you doing? - Making a list.

- A list? - Of people to invite.

Not too many, eh?

No, I mean, you wouldn't want to be crowded out on our anniversary.

Would you?

(GROANING)

(GROANS)

Bloody hell.

What' s going on?

Feel like I've slept for days.

(GROANING)

(RUMBLING)

For God's sake.

(RUMBLING)

What's bloody going on?

I've got a feeling them tablets Flaming Moe gave me at the Mardi Gras last night

weren't Pro-Plus after all.

(SCREAMS)

All right, don't panic, Kenneth.

Stay calm.

There's a perfectly simple explanation for this.

Temple-Savage.

She's finally done what she's been threatening to do for years

and shut us down

by bricking up the salon

and turning off the water supply so I die a slow and lonely death.

Oh, wake up.

Wake up! Wake up!

No!

(MUFFLED SCREAMING)

(SOFT MUSIC PLAYING)

Did you hear that?

Hear what?

I don't know.

A noise.

Like somebody shouting

or screaming.

- No. - Oh.

Well...

Four sailors from Cockermouth crammed into a family room.

We've only ourselves to blame.

Turn the music up.

(PLEASE RELEASE ME PLAYING LOUDLY)

(SCREAMING)

WU: Okay, well if you've got no pork, what have you got?

Lobster?

Are you trying to deep-fry my balls?

I'm in Benidorm, not Las flipping Vegas.

What else have you got?

What kind of curd?

Bean curd?

I don't care what it's been, what is it now?

(LAUGHS MANIACALLY)

Do you get it? Bean curd.

I don't care what it's been, what is it now?

Hello?

Hello?

(KNOCKING ON DOOR)

Come in. (DOOR OPENS)

Monkey Stains.

Monty Staines!

Monty, take a seat.

How is married life?

- Bloody awful. - Tell me about it.

You know, my wife is so fat,

when she sit around the house, she really sit around...

I'm sorry, Mr Wu, I haven't got time for all that.

Oh, really?

You know, there is an old Chinese saying,

"The man who has no time for laughter in his life

"get no job from Mr Wu."

And just how old is that saying?

Well, you said on the phone you looking for job, innit?

Yes. And you said you may have an appropriate position vacant.

So can we please dispense with the Christmas cracker jokes

and the fortune cookie proverbs?

Hey, check yourself before you wreck yourself.

Coming in here like John Wayne is big leggy.

- I'm sorry? - Apology accepted.

Okay, here at Mr Wu, we have four type of waiters.

The experienced waiters are group A but...

Hang on a minute.

A waiter? In a Chinese restaurant? Me?

Well, I haven't got any other type of restaurant.

I meant a job appropriate for a man of my standing.

Oh, yeah, there lots of standing.

If you like standing, you should enjoy it here.

I'm sorry, Mr Wu,

but, clearly, I'm wasting my time and yours.

Wait, where are you going?

This is perfect job for you.

How do you work that out?

Because we got chips and rice.

Chips and rice!

(LAUGHING MANIACALLY)

Absolutely deranged.

(KNOCKING)

Password. Joyce's password.

"Solana".

(COMPUTER CHIMES) Oh.

"Monty".

(COMPUTER CHIMES)

Joyce's date of birth, 1935? (COMPUTER CHIMES)

Hmm, 56. (COMPUTER CHIMES)

- Seven? - JOYCE: (OUTSIDE DOOR) What is it?

Oh, yes, yes, yes, I'm coming.

I just forgot to lock the door.

(LOCK CLICKING)

Oh, shit!

Come on.

(WHIMPERS)

(GRUNTS)

Six chargers.

Six phone chargers, not one of them fits my bloody phone.

(SOBBING)

Come on, Kenneth.

Think. Think.

What would Bear Grylls do?

Fire, fire.

He'd make a fire.

Make a fire.

Yes. Yes. Make a fire.

(SOBBING)

What are you doing?

You're stranded in a unisex hair salon,

not a frigging desert island.

(SOBBING)

I'm buried alive.

Oh, what's happening?

What are they doing?

I swear on my mother's grave,

if this is some sort of practical joke, Liam,

I'll cut off your balls and make them into a pair of ginger clackers!

(SOBBING)

(MOBILE VIBRATING)

Montgomery Staines.

Uh, no, that's my name.

Yeah, Monty, that's me

Can I ask who's calling?

Oh, Benidorm Palace.

Ah, so you do have vacancies?

Uh...

How tall am I?

Well, 6' 1 " on a good day. (CHUCKLES)

Yeah, uh, how old?

Uh, what's your upper age limit?

Oh. (CLEARS THROAT)

Well, depends how good your lighting is.

Will you go away? Uh, no, not you.

(STAMMERING)

Look, just hold on a minute, will you?

Please, sir, I ain't got owt.

Anything you got'll do, boss.

Now, piss off.

Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.

- It's okay. It's all right. - Thank you.

- For God's sake. - Thank you.

Uh, yes, sorry about that.

So what was the exact position available?

Principal Male Dancer?

I'll ring you back.

(SIGHS)

Bloody hell.

A Euro goes a lot further than it used to.

Ah, hello, Sir Henry?

Montgomery Staines here.

Yeah, Monty.

Yeah, fine.

Fine. How are you?

Uh, good.

Listen, I was just in the area and I thought I might pop by.

(CHUCKLES)

Uh, yeah, sorry.

Yeah, good, good.

I'll see you in about ten minutes.

(SITAR MUSIC PLAYING)

(KNOCKING ON DOOR)

Enter.

(DOOR OPENS)

Have I come at a bad time?

Not at all.

Come in. Take a seat.

I didn't get you out of bed, did I?

Uh, no. I've just had my post-lunch Tai-Chi.

Have you ever tried it?

Not for me, thanks. I've just had a sausage roll.

Please.

(MUSIC STOPS)

So, how can I help you?

Not looking for a loophole in the marriage contract, are you?

I beg your pardon?

Just a joke.

Now, listen, Henry,

it's hardly a secret you're still carrying a torch for Joyce.

But things have changed, my friend.

Joyce is now my wife.

Yes, I know.

I married you both.

I am well aware of that, thank you.

I am also aware that Joyce, for some bizarre reason,

still has a soft spot for you.

- She does? - Yes.

God knows why.

So I feel it's my duty to warn you I am not a man to be trifled with.

Do you understand?

I said, do you understand?

Oh, yes, of course.

And I appreciate the information.

About the trifle.

I mean, you not being trifled with.

Thank you.

(CLEARS THROAT)

Was there anything else?

Uh...

Yes.

You don't have any jobs around here, do you?

No.

I think I asked those questions in the wrong order, didn't I?

Yes. Well, I'll see myself out.

Actually, wait a moment.

We do have a vacancy.

But it's only part time.

Three days a week.

Well, it's better than nothing.

What is it?

Consulate Airport Liaison Officer.

Oh, in Alicante?

- In Luton. - Luton?

Why would I want a job in bloody Luton?

You'd only be away from home three days a week

and you said yourself you need a job.

Yes, I know. But Luton!

Fine.

Close the door on your way out, there's a good chap.

(SITAR MUSIC RESUMES)

(SIGHS)

You do know your desk is on fire, don't you?

(DOOR CLOSES)

Bugger!

Oh, sorry.

Lo siento.

(CHUCKLES)

(MOBILE VIBRATING)

(SIGHS)

Monty Staines.

Hello?

Oh, Mr Wu.

Yes.

Yes, I am still looking but I told you that...

Maître D?

Oh, yes.

Yes, I would be interested.

Tonight?

Absolutely.

Maître D.

Better get the old pinstripe dry-cleaned.

As you were. (CLEARS THROAT)

(INAUDIBLE)

(MUFFLED STRIPTEASE MUSIC PLAYING THROUGH WALL)

I'm frigged if I'm supposed to know

where she hides all the shite on me desk.

Sorry.

Did you two want a drink?

'Cause if you did, you've shit out.

I'm more likely to find Lord bastard Lucan

than a box of Ty-Phoo amongst all this shit.

Right, let's have a look down here.

Mr Smallcock?

Oh, please, call me Winter.

Your name's Winter?

Winter Smallcock?

Yeah, can you frigging believe it?

Have you ever heard a mother name her son bloody Winter?

She always said if she had a daughter, she'd call her Summer.

Do you know what my two brothers are called?

Autumn and Spring?

No. Eric and fucking Barry.

Why is it always me to get the shit end of the stick?

Right. What have you come round for?

Dog licence?

No, we've told you. This is a property disagreement.

I rent a hair salon in the hotel Solana in the new town.

Oh, yeah, yeah, I remember now.

The manager's bricked up your front door, that's right.

Mad bastard. I tell you, these Spanish,

they don't give a shit when they're rattled.

- She's English. - Oh, they're even worse.

Hang on. I've got something.

Right.

Got it. Let's have a look.

Can't be that frigging difficult.

I'm sorry. My friend told us you were a solicitor.

Yeah. Well, I do a bit of everything, to be honest.

Well, Christ on a bike,

you've got to these frigging days, haven't you?

Um, isn't that book about English law?

We need Spanish property law.

Bollocks to that. I tried to enrol on a Spanish law course,

but they wouldn't have me because of the fucking language.

Oh, you mean all the swearing?

No, I mean because I don't speak Spanish.

- (MOBILE VIBRATING) - Oh, sorry.

Hey, Sam, can I ring you back? We're just getting some legal advice.

Well, advice.

Well, what's happened?

What?

Oh, my God. How did you manage that? Right. We're coming back right now.

Sorry, we have to go. Sam's got locked in Joyce's office.

Hey, does your mate need a locksmith? I've got a book on that.

(STAMMERING)

Come on!

Where the frig are you going?

Bastards!

SAM: Hurry up. I've been in here ages.

Eh, is not my fault.

(GRUNTS) Is no good. I cannot unlock the door.

And Jesus will be on his siesta.

Just smash the door down!

Of course I got the brief about the building work,

but at no point was I told

that they were going to brick up the entrance to Blow & Go.

(SAM AND MATEO SHOUTING)

Blow & Go.

It's the hair salon in reception.

I can't ask the builder this, they're not here.

SAM: Just break the frigging door down!

Sorry, Crystal. Urn, shouting? No, no. Not this end.

Well, I think maybe there's interference on the line.

Yes, you know the Spanish mobiles.

(MAKES CRACKLING SOUND)

(SAM AND MATEO CONTINUE SHOUTING)

SAM: Just hurry up!

Okay.

- Move away from the door. - What?

(SAM SCREAMS)

(BOTH GASPING)

What on earth's going on?

JOYCE! Oh, Joyce.

Oh, oh, my God!

(SOBBING)

Uh, are you all right? What's happened?

We heard you screaming.

We thought you'd locked yourself in the office.

We were so worried about you.

You were worried about me?

Yeah. It's just that I was once locked in an office.

I mean, not today, years ago.

And I remember being so terrified.

It brought back such terrible memories

that I told Mateo that we had to break down the door and get you out.

But I wasn't in my office.

Yeah, well, we know that now

and I realise it must've been someone outside near the pool messing about.

The screams must've come through the wall.

I can't hear anyone.

Oh, thank God the screaming stopped.

Oh, it brought back such memories, such traumatic memories.

(MOCK SOBBING)

Go get yourself a drink.

Thank you, thank you, Joyce.

Mateo, go with her.

Yes, Mrs Temple-Savage.

And get somebody who can fix this door.

Yes, Mrs Temple-Savage.

Britney.

Oh.

Britney.

Oh, Britney.

Thank God for our conversations.

Without them,

I don't know what I'd do.

I'd probably go mad.

# A room full of sadness

# A broken heart

# And only me to blame

# For every single part

# No science or religion...

I'm so proud of you Monty.

Stop fussing, Joyce.

It's only a Maître D in a Chinese restaurant.

No, it's much more than that.

What do you mean?

I can be honest now, Monty, now you're working.

I genuinely thought it was the end of you and me.

The end? We only got married a week ago.

Exactly, and already it was obvious

that without a job, you had no self-worth,

no sense of purpose.

I had no job because you sacked me.

We can't live in each other's pockets, Monty.

Believe me, you earning an honest wage and contributing to our income

is the only way forward.

Oh, and I know what you're gonna say,

but I need to borrow another 20 euros.

I was mugged by a beggar. It's a long story.

Take 50 euros out of the red box

behind reception.

Oof, my working man.

What's that, Britney?

You want me to do what?

Well, if you're absolutely sure.

(CLIPPERS WHIRRING)

# Fly high... # Let me go.

Okay, thanks a lot, Trish.

Well, if you hear from him, give me a ring, okay? Cheers.

No joy?

No. Phoned the Peppermint, the Pink Trombone,

Palladium Jack, Baz and Gaz,

Flash Harry and Moe and Lezzy Trish

and nobody's seen Kenneth since last night.

Well, if he's never disappeared for this length of time before,

we should call the police.

Well, that's just it, he has. Not often but he has done it before.

Oh, well, let's have another drink, then.

I can't believe it.

Not one frigging biscuit in the whole salon.

I have to eat something soon.

I can literally feel meself fading away.

Fresa, Strawberry.

It's got to have some strawberries in it,

otherwise they couldn't put it on the label.

Oh!

Come on, Kenneth.

If Katie Price can get her gob round a kangaroo's anus,

you can eat a bit of hair wax.

But I have to, Britney.

It could mean the difference between life and death.

Oh, Jesus. What a time to start eating fruit.

(GAGGING)

Well, actually, that's not too bad.

What other flavours have we got?

Oh... Oh, God.

What's happened to me?

(SOBBING)

I have to get out of here.

I've gotta get out of here!

Come on, Kenneth, think.

Think.

What would Jonathan Creek do?

So did you have a nice day out, the pair of you?

Aye. It were nice to get out for a bit.

After us coffees, we went for a walk up prom.

You were gone all day.

You've still got four or five hours unaccounted for.

Oh, we must've walked five mile.

We had to go for a lie-down when we got back, didn't we?

Wahey, out for a bit, then indoors for a bit, eh?

Separate rooms. Don't be disgusting.

Well, at least we did something with our day

and didn't just lie farting on a sun bed.

I'll have you know my wife never farts before me.

She always waits for her turn. I thank you!

More from the fabulous John-Paul later.

But first, it's karaoke time.

Let's hear it for Billy and Sheron.

Right. Don't forget, you two, we can still see you from the stage.

It's like Bramley Baths in here, you can get chucked out for heavy petting.

Come on.

(I KNEW YOU WERE WAITING PLAYING)

Did I tell you, I've heard back from Dougie Taylor.

It's all booked in, 150 quid.

One hundred and fifty quid? That's steep for the rugby club.

That includes a stripper.

# Like a warrior that fights

# And wins the battle

# I know the taste of victory

# Though I went through some nights

# Consumed by the shadows

# I was crippled emotionally

# Mmm, somehow I made it through the darkness

- Did you? -# Yes, I did

- # I escaped - # You escaped

# I found my way out of the darkness...

How are you feeling?

I'm sorry?

Well, you were quite upset earlier on.

Oh, right. Yeah, yeah, I was.

Very much so.

I just wanted to say, now I think about it,

I could've sworn I heard some screaming earlier today.

- Really? - Yes.

I had the drains checked a few years ago

after repeatedly hearing strange gurgling noises

from behind reception.

Sewers backed up, were they?

No. We finally worked out it was Lesley's stomach rumbling before lunch.

My point is it didn't sound like it was coming from Lesley.

I blame the accoustics.

I blame Lesley's breakfast.

Thanks, Mateo. I think we got away with it.

You got away with it, thanks to me.

Yeah, I just said thanks.

Oh, good evening, Mr Wu. Where would you like me?

What you all dressed up like a doggy dinner for?

I beg your pardon?

This is my best three-piece suit.

Well, why are you wearing it to come to work?

Mr Wu, I don't mean to teach my grandmother to suck prawn balls,

but you never get a second chance to make a first impression.

What are you talking about?

I didn't employ you to do impressions.

Who you think you are? Bobby Davros?

No, you don't understand.

Surely, my job is to set the tone of the establishment.

We got the tone already.

Eat as much cheap food as you like

and don't make a mess under the table.

Then why on earth did you employ me as a Maître D?

- What? - If you're happy

with the downmarket image of people stuffing their faces

and flicking fu-yung at each other,

why did you call me and offer me the job of Maître D?

I offer you job of Waiter D.

- What? - We got Waiter A,

who takes the drink orders.

Waiter B and C top up the buffet.

You start as Waiter D,

the one who take the dirty plates to the kitchen.

Waiter D.

Not Maître D, Waiter D.

I don't think you need me, Mr Wu.

You seem to be creating exactly the right impression without me.

Hmm.

# It's close to midnight

# And something evil's lurking in the dark...

- How'd you get on today? - Not great.

I wouldn't recommend the solicitor.

No?

No, not unless you just want to tell someone to get f...

More to the point, we still haven't found Kenneth.

Well, it is his day off, isn't it?

He'll surface at some point between tonight and tomorrow morning.

How did you get locked in Joyce's office?

Long story.

When she found me in there,

I had to tell her I'd been hearing screaming voices from inside her office

-and had to break in. - Oh, heck!

But here's the best bit,

she said she heard screaming from behind reception as well.

Silly old bag's going mad.

- Screaming? - Yeah.

- Behind reception? - Yeah.

You mean, she's been hearing screaming from behind reception?

The reception that backs on to Blow & Go?

He would've phoned from his mobile.

How often does Kenneth lose his phone on a big night out?

Almost everytime.

- Shit! - Oh!

Come on!

- Where are you going? - Kenneth's buried alive in Blow & Go!

# Your eyes and hope that this is just imagination...

(ALL TALKING AT ONCE)

LIAM: It's okay, Kenneth, we're in!

My God, look at the place.

MATEO: Madre mia, he must have gone crazy.

But where is he?

Kenneth? Kenneth?

He's not in here.

Oh, it makes no sense. He can't have disappeared into thin air.

Maybe he's tunnelled his way out.

So where's the tunnel?

Have none of you seen The Shawshank Redemption?

Ooh.

(SCREAMS) Me hand!

- I think I've broken me hand! - What are you doing?

I thought there'd be a big hole behind Tom Daley.

There's no answer to that.

Wait, look. This air vent's been opened.

(CHUCKLES) He'd have never got through there.

It would've been a tight squeeze.

Where does it lead to?

I've absolutely no idea.

Sir Henry, I just wanted to call to apologise for earlier today.

I see.

And to say that I've reconsidered your offer.

Oh, you have?

If it's still on the table.

- Of course. - Oh, that's wonderful news.

Well, it's good news.

After all, what's three days away out of seven, eh?

They say "Absence makes the heart grow fonder", don't they?

- Quite. - Yeah.

I'll call you tomorrow.

Adiós, Monty.

# Thriller night and no one's gonna save you

# From the beast about to strike

(SCREAMS)

(ALL SCREAMING)

Well, don't just sit there.

Someone get me a bloody pint!

I'm gasping! (WAILING)

(THEME MUSIC PLAYING)