Original subtitles

(THEME MUSIC PLAYING)

I'm sorry, we don't have any leaflets about the beach,

but if you go across this road and over the next one,

it's that long, dry, sandy thing in front of the sea.

If your feet get wet, you've gone too far.

Oh, yeah, that's what I'm talking about.

A Benidorm all-nighter.

A Benidorm all-nighter.

Didn't you think to call the coast guard when we didn't come back?

Coast guard? I thought you'd gone straight on to your honeymoon.

-(SIGHS) - Actually, that's a point,

why aren't you in Venice?

We missed the bloody plane after being stranded on Peacock bloody Island!

What are you shouting at me for?

Wasn't my fault the boat only came back this morning.

Well, whose fault was it, then?

Mrs Temple Savage, why don't you two get off to bed?

I'll get cleaned up and I'll bring you a bit of brekkie up later.

Where is Kenneth? He was supposed to make the alarm.

Kenneth? He was with you.

He did the swim from Peacock Island to make the alarm.

You did not hear from him?

Oh, congratulations.

Bloody hell, you look like you all had a good night.

I hope Kenneth survived it. (LAUGHS)

I'm going to bed. (GROANS)

I'm qettlnq changed.

Oh! Sam, are you going to be all right on reception?

I can hardly expect Lesley to do a full shift

after the horrors we've been through.

You're on three days' holiday, whether you're in Venice or not.

- I know, but I... - SAM: Oh, my God.

I've just realised what that is you're all covered in.

I suppose that's what you get for sleeping under the stars.

Sleeping under the stars is not the problem.

It's sleeping under the ass of the seagulls, this was the problem.

- (SCOFFS) - Are you getting in this lift or not?

Uh, Sam, can you hold the fort for a couple of hours while I freshen up?

No, I'll hold the fort for a couple of days.

- You're on your honeymoon. - Some honeymoon.

(SIGHS) Thanks, Sam.

(GROANS)

Come on!

- SHERON: Come on, get up. - What?

Get up, come on. Get up.

I'm up. So why don't you get back into bed?

(SIGHS) I haven't got time for that this morning.

Our Rob and Cyd are gonna be here 'm, oh my God, four hours.

- Get up. - (GROANS)

Even if Rob and his mate were getting here in the next four minutes,

what difference does it make if my pants are on the floor?

- Why are you saying it like that? - Like what?

His "mate".

Our son is coming on holiday

and bringing a 23-year-old South American bloke

who he's described as "the most beautiful person I've ever met".

Excuse me if I pause before the word "mate".

- I've worked it out. - Yeah. So have I.

We just need our Jodie to call herself Joe and start wearing tweed jackets

and that's it, no grandchildren.

He's never mentioned if Cyd is a girl or a boy because it's obvious,

Cyd, C-Y-D, is a girl's name.

The text last night said, "Cyd says he can't wait to meet you."

No, look. "Cyd sayss

"he can't wait to meet you". He spelt "says" with two S's

Oh, right, that's it.

I don't mind him being gay, but he can't spell?

Tell him not to bother coming, he's no son of mine.

Look, the extra S on "sayss" belongs to the "he", making it a "she".

(EXHALES) It's too early for the Countdown conundrum,

I'll have two from the top and one from the bottom, please.

No, they're coming in less than four hours.

There's no answer to that.

(GROANS AND GRUMBLES)

- Come on! - Sheron!

(GROANS)

(GROANING)

(GASPING)

Dear, is something going on down there?

Just come to bed. (GROANING AND GASPING)

What's wrong with you?

What do you mean, what's wrong with me?

I've just spent the night on Planet of the Apes

covered in bird droppings.

- We all have. - Not with my back.

-(EXCLAIMS) -(KNOCKING AT DOOR)

Room servicing.

Mateo, what are you doing letting yourself in?

I could have been undressed.

Oh, do not worry, I have seen much worse.

What do you mean, "worse"?

One full England breakfast and one lady breakfast.

And of course, champagne for the married couple.

MONTY LAUGHS} - Bon appétit.

Uh, can you wait outside? I'm coming down with you.

You will not.

Monty, I'm just going to pop down for a few minutes.

Joyce, it's our honeymoon. I'm telling you to get in this bed.

I'm asking you,

asking you very firmly to get in this bed.

I will leave you to get firm.

Couldn't ring down for some HP, could you?

So, what do you think of it so far?

Well, as all-inclusive Spanish holidays go,

I think this is worth the £100 transfer fee I had to pay to Tiger.

You are so jammy.

I paid nearly four times that for the same holiday.

Oh, it's quite busy.

Better get checked in if we're going to get some sunbeds.

Callum, are you okay?

Mate'?

- What? - Are you all right, bruv?

You look a bit upset.

Upset?

Upset, are you on crack?

-(LAUGHS) - So, what's the plan, then?

Well, it's our first day, I thought we could just chill.

I can live with that.

We've got all week to sniff out the old Pink Panther.

The what?

The sausage pocket.

Oh, I think we've missed breakfast.

No. What we came for? The meat wallet.

It's all inclusive.

No, you idiot. The calamari custard smuggler.

The Notorious V.A.G.

Count Flapula.

Lawrence of Alabia.

- Do you mean girls? - Yes. Yes, girls, what else?

And listen, mate, you got to be super cool with Steve.

Who's Steve?

What was that name of that rep you had a go on last year?

- Oh, Sam. - Aye, that's right.

I knew she had a fella's name.

Let her down gently, yeah?

- Older girl, wasn't she? - A bit older than me, yeah.

Yeah, they're good in the sack, the older ones,

because they're grateful as hell.

But they can get a bit hysterical.

She knows you guys are cool, right? Because...

(CHUCKLES) I don't want to be no third wheel on the bike here.

Oh, yeah, Sam is cool. She is ice cool.

(LAUGHS HEARTILY)

- Oh! - (LAUGHS)

Here we are.

I thought you'd checked in and were avoiding me.

Oh, as if.

(SIGHS) You look great.

So do you. (CHUCKLES)

- Oh, sorry, I'm Sam. - Callum.

So, I'll see you at some point. I mean, today, I mean.

Or tomorrow. Or whenever.

Yeah. For sure.

Right. (LAUGHS)

- See you later. - Yeah.

(BOTH LAUGHING)

See, I told you, ice cool.

- You have got to be joking me. - What?

Oh, come on.

Uh, oh, sorry, sorry. They're for our son and his girlfriend.

Sorry.

You're looking very pleased with yourself, Sheron.

Pleased our Robert's bringing home a girlfriend and not a boyfriend.

Shut up.

What's all that about?

It's a simple misunderstanding.

Our Rob kept texting us

about this girl he'd met during his time in South America.

Except he didn't say it was a girl.

And he didn't say it was a boy.

He just kept saying, "I've met the most beautiful person in the world in Cyd.

"Cyd is amazing, can't wait for you to meet Cyd."

- Sid? - Yeah.

-(SIGHS) - But he never seemed to say he or she.

- Sid? - Yes.

Anyway, yesterday he sent a message saying, "Cyd sayss

"he can't wait to meet you."

- But when he was texting... - Bloody Sid?

Oh, if you say Sid one more time.

Ah, forget it.

How bloody stupid can you be?

I mean, Cyd's a fella's name.

Uh, you wanna talk, you christened me bloody Bela.

-(LAUGHS) - Ah,

but that were after Bela Lugosi, he were a legend.

You'll be a bloody legend after I've finished with you.

What's that mean?

It's Cyd, spelt C-Y-D.

Like Cyd Charisse.

Oh!

That were a nice bit of crackling.

(LAUGHS)

But you've got to admit, if you just say Cyd,

everybody's going to assume it's a big hairy fella.

Well, he's big, but he's not very hairy.

Hiya.

We were going to come here as soon as we arrived

but we were minging, so we had a shower first.

- This is Cyd. Cyd, this is my family. - Hello.

- Oh! - Oh!

- Hello. - (ALL TALKING INDISTINCTLY)

Now, come on, Jacqueline, don't go upsetting yourself.

I can't believe I'm going through all this again.

What do you mean, "again"?

Well, with my Donald.

I know we faked his death

and we thought we had the insurance payout to look forward to,

but it was still very much the same.

Well, except Kenneth actually might be dead.

We tried to talk him out of it,

but he said he could hold his breath for up to two minutes at a time.

Yeah, but not underwater.

(GROANS) Have you phoned the police?

He hasn't been missing for 24 hours yet.

Jacqueline, what are you doing out here?

I'm sorry?

How am I supposed to run a dental practice without a receptionist?

Well, that wasn't really the deal.

I'm paying you top dollar in rent and you're sitting out here drinking brandy!

I mean, are you working with me or against me?

That's what I'd like to know.

We think Kenneth might be dead.

Really? I mean...

Yes, that is, um, bad news.

Very bad news.

He tried to swim to Benidorm from Peacock Island.

And you think that might have killed him? Interesting.

Jacqueline, I really would appreciate a little help at some stage, hmm?

What's Dr Death doing in the salon?

Stanley.

- Do you know him? - No.

And with that bedside manner, I don't think I want to.

He's a dentist who's renting our treatment room.

Ah, so that's where you got your new gnashers from.

Oh, I forgot these were stuck on top of me teeth.

I'll ask him to tear them off.

Well, I'd hurry up if I was you, there's a queue.

Please look after it. It was me father's.

Then you'd better hurry up to the cash machine, yes?

(CLEARS THROAT)

Excuse me, Stanley.

Jacqueline, at last.

Right, now, erm, I got a new appointments book,

and I managed to get my old dental practice number

diverted to my mobile.

No, you don't understand. I've made a mistake.

I hardly call knocking back large brandies

when you're supposed to be here at work a mistake,

but we have patients to see, we must move on.

I want you out of Blow 'n' Go.

I beg your pardon?

First of all, it was a mistake renting the treatment room to you.

And I certainly never said you could use the hair salon as a waiting room.

I'm sorry, but where are my patients supposed to wait

if we don't have a waiting room?

It wasn't my fault you didn't think this through, Jacqueline!

There's no need to shout.

Can't you see I'm trying to work?

Now, um, Maria Velas... Velas...

Velasqueth.

Hmm.

Please have a modicum of respect?

For a man who's simply trying to do an honest day's toil.

Hmm?

Right, this way, please.

Are you sure we can't get you a drink, Cyd?

Oh, we stopped for a coffee before we arrived.

Thank you, Mrs Dawson.

Oh, call me Sheron.

Sheron? Is a beautiful name.

Aw, thanks. So is Cyd.

(SPEAKING SLOWLY) Have you ever been to Benidorm before, Cyd?

- What you talking Like that for? -(NORMALLY) Like what?

- like she's deaf? - I'm not talking like anything.

(SPEAKING SLOWLY) Is, uh this your first time...

- You're doing it again. - I'm not doing owt.

I'm talking to her just like I'm talking to you.

No, you're not. You're shouting and everything's at half speed.

And there's a bit of a funny accent going on and all.

Well, she can't help that, she's from South America.

Not her, you.

So what are your plans, then?

Well, I got a text from Joey and he's here with his mate Callum,

so I thought we'd say hello to them and then maybe go into town.

No, I mean, are you going to marry her?

Mother, don't talk about Cyd like she's not here.

And you can't be asking her things like that.

Have you been married before?

Nana, she's 22.

They marry them off at 12 in Mexico, I've seen it on the telly.

She's not from Mexico.

- You're not from Mexico, are you? - She's from Colombia.

All the same, South America.

It's all drugs and cheap sex changes.

Hey, you thought she were a fella at first, didn't you?

- No, we didn't! - Yes, you did!

You said you didn't know if Cyd were a boy or a girl.

(STAMMERING) Yeah, but we didn't mean it like that. We just...

-(SIGHS) - I'll say one thing,

if you were a fella at one point, Cyd,

they did a very nice job on body work.

I beg your pardon?

Come on, Cyd, I think we'll have a walk into the old town.

What have I said now?

He were just paying him a compliment.

- Her a compliment. - Right.

See you later.

Don't worry about them, they're just old-fashioned.

What was all that about?

Classic gold-digger.

Oh, here we go.

We're just saying what everybody's thinking.

No. No, you're not, Mother.

You're seeing what two old, thoughtless,

mean-spirited racist bigots are thinking.

Right, while we're all being thoughtless,

- I'll go and get meself a drink. - I'll have...

I said I'll get meself a drink.

She's got a point, though.

If that lass were penniless before she met our Rob,

who paid for her sex change?

(SIGHS)

(SNORING LOUDLY)

Monty.

(SNORING CONTINUES)

Monty.

(SNORING CONTINUES)

Monty!

(SNORING STOPS)

(SIGHS) At last.

(GROANS)

-(SNORING CONTINUES) - Oh, for crying out loud!

-(KNOCKING AT DOOR) - Room service.

Oh, would people stop letting themselves into this room?

Here you go, I'm gonna keep you newlyweds topped up.

Before Monty sobers up and changes his mind.

I beg your pardon?

(LAUGHS) I'm only messing with you.

Anything else I can get you, Mrs T?

Oh, Lesley, I'm coming down with you.

Oh, no, you're not. Come on.

You Look exhausted. Let's get you back into bed.

No point in me getting into bed when Monty's snoring like a bull elephant.

What about the complementary ear plugs?

I've got them in.

No, not in your ears.

- Here.

(SNORING)

(GRUNTING SOFTLY)

There you go.

- Lesley, you're a genius. - (LAUGHS)

Oh, any news on Kenneth?

Eh, we checked with the coast guard

and they say it's quite possible he was picked up by a sailor.

No surprise there, then.

(SIGHS) Anything else you need, just give us a shout.

- Okay. Oh. - (CLEARS THROAT)

Oh! Okay.

Oh!

(SIGHS)

(GROANS)

(GRUMBLING)

(SIGHS)

- (SNORTING AND GASPING FOR AIR) - (SHOWER RUNNING)

Joyce! Joyce!

(MUFFLED SCREAMING)

I can't... (GASPING) I can't breathe!

(GURGLING)

(MUFFLED SCREAMING)

Hiya, are you all right?

Aw, hiya, love.

Any news about Kenneth?

No, nothing. I rang the police again.

But they just said missing 24 hours is barely a night out in Benidorm.

Oh, I've heard it all before.

A few years ago, when my husband was drowned at sea.

- Oh, my God. I didn't know that. - Mmm-hmm.

Did they manage to find his body?

Oh, yeah, and I met him for a holiday in Morocco after that.

- Still no answer from Liam? - No.

He's in the UK at a wedding.

I'd hate to worry him, and then Kenneth suddenly waltzes through them doors.

- Oh, I've got an idea! - What?

Oh, I can't believe I didn't think of it before.

What?

It's ringing.

You're not ringing Kenneth's phone, are you?

- Wait, he won't answer... - Kenneth!

(LAUGHING) Oh, my goodness!

It's Jacqueline!

Oh, I can't believe we found you.

Where are you? We're all worried sick.

Oh, Kenneth!

I can't understand a word.

You're talking gibberish.

Are you in the hospital?

(SLOWLY) Have you got concussion?

MATEO: (ON PHONE) You're not listening to me, you stupid person.

Kenneth, don't worry,

just ask somebody where you are and we'll come and get you.

Is there anybody nearby you can ask?

Ah, no.

I got cut off.

He must have had a bang on the head

because he's speaking in a funny accent.

You were calling Kenneth?

Oh, yes, love,

-but we got cut off. - Mmm-hmm.

SAM: Yeah, I was trying to tell you.

They kept hold of Kenneth's bum bag when he jumped in sea.

Well, look,

no news is good news.

I bet you any money Kenneth will come skipping through those doors

after having the best night of his life.

After trying to swim from Peacock Island to Benidorm?

Fatty chance.

# I'm in love, I'm in love, I'm in love, I'm in love

# I'm in love with a wonderful guy #

Ooh, I have just had the best night of my entire life.

(ALL LAUGHING)

Oh!

You all right?

Yeah, how are you?

Me? Couldn't be better.

Have you heard from Rob?

Yeah, he texted rne when I was unpacking. They're around somewhere.

Ah, well, no rush.

He's all loved up, so we don't want him cramping our style.

Yeah.

You don't really know Rob that well, do you, anyway?

Of course I know him. I had a great crack with him at Deg's

for the couple of weeks that he worked there.

So, what's the plan for tonight?

Well, I thought maybe just take it easy, you know, first night.

All depends on if Sam finishes early.

Now, let's get one thing straight.

You know why I'm on this holiday.

Because Tiger couldn't come, so you got a free holiday.

What do you mean, free?

I paid the transfer fee.

And I offered to give Tiger the money for the holiday.

- Forget it. - No, I won't forget it Joey.

I offered to pay for this holiday.

Okay!

Though some holiday it's going to be, with Rob and his new girlfriend

and you sniffing round that rep every night.

- She's not just a rep... -(MOCKINGLY) She's your girlfriend.

No, she's not my girlfriend. just...

- It's complicated. - Brilliant!

I didn't think it was.

I haven't seen her for a year but when I saw her today, I was like...

- Whatever. - Oh, Callum, don't be like that.

Thanks for making this the worst holiday I've ever had?

Before it's even started.

Where are you going?

Off to make some friends. looks like I'm going to need 'em.

Callum! Callum!

(GROANS)

I'm sorry about my parents.

- Why are you sorry? - Well,

not about me parents. My grandparents, really.

Robbie, grandparents should be cherished,

one day they will no longer be here.

I know.

- So much to Look forward to. -(LAUGHS)

- Robbie! -(LAUGHS) I meant me and you.

I know what you meant.

I'm starting to appreciate your sense of humour.

Finally.

(MOBILE RINGING)

My father.

(SPEAKING SPANISH)

Short and sweet?

Ah, he is short, but sometimes he's not so sweet.

I didn't mean your dad, I meant the phone call.

(LAUGHS)

- I love you, Robbie. - (INHALES) Yeah.

Cyd, why did you wave the flower seller away?

I do not need a rose from you to know that you love me.

I was hoping you might buy me one.

(LAUGHING)

Robbie, you're so funny.

(GASPS

(LAUGHING) Robbie.

So by this time, I'd been swimming for about half an hour

and me arms were unbelievably heavy.

- They look unbelievably heavy. - Shut up.

Then there was another massive wave

so of course I copped a huge gobful of the Mediterranean.

Just how much of the Mediterranean did you swallow?

- Do you mind? - let the lad finish!

So, then all of a sudden,

and without warning, my whole body gives up.

It looks like it gave up years ago.

Right, that's it. Forget it.

Ah, come on, man, you're spoiling it for everyone.

Yeah, go away if you don't want to listen.

I will go. Even serving drunken British people

is better than listening to this stupid story.

Right, go on, Kenneth, we're listening.

(SIGHS) So,

me whole body is completely submerged underwater.

Then all of a sudden, everything goes really peaceful,

you know, kind of like slow motion,

as me whole life starts to flash before me.

Ooh, that sounds terrible.

Oh, no, it was fabulous.

Honestly, Jacqueline, the life I've led,

I should have Ron Howard hammering at me door.

So what happened then?

So, suddenly, I feel me whole body rising.

- Now it's the good bit. - Slowly and gently out of the water.

Of course, I'm still half unconscious at this point,

but I can feel meself being drawn above the waves by some greater power.

And then...

What have you done to your teeth?

Oh, um, I wanted to see what they'd look like lightened a bit.

lightened a bit? You're blinding me every time you open up your gob.

-(LES LAUGHING) - Carry on with the story.

So, I open me eyes

and I'm lying on the deck of this small fishing boat,

with a 6'10 sailor giving me the kiss of life.

-(LAUGHING) -(GASPS)

Ooh, what happened to Barry?

- Who's Barry? - You said

Barry Howard was bashing at your back door.

Ron Howard.

Wasn't Barry Howard the ballroom dancer out of Hi-de-Hi?

(GROANS)

Hang on a minute. If that were last night,

where have you been until now?

Vladimir's apartment in the old town.

- Who's Vladimir? - The sailor.

Oh, does he know about Ron?

Oh, Jacqueline, for goodness' sake.

So that's why we had to spend the night stranded on Peacock Island.

I nearly died for you last night.

But you didn't, did you?

You spent the night shacked up in the old town with Vlad the Impaler.

Now, look, you, what two consenting adults get up to

in the privacy of their own house has absolutely nothing to...

(MAN SCREAMS IN SALON)

The bloody hell's going on in there?

Oh, now, Kenneth, I don't want you to be angry.

- Angry about what? Jacqueline, for goodness' sake.

What am I supposed to do to get some help around here?

(GASPS)

SHERON: (LAUGHS) No, Love, I'm not checking up on you.

I were just... I were just seeing if you were both all right.

I'll see you in a minute. All right, then.

Bye.

Right. They're back.

I don't want a peep out of either of you.

You can't treat us like children.

I can if you're acting like 'em.

I don't need to talk to keep me eye on that one.

Mother, I'm warning you.

But the claws are in deep, I can tell.

Watch her come back here with bags of shopping

and it won't be on her credit card, I'll tell you that.

- (SIGHS) Right, go! - Go where?

Anywhere. Go sit at the bar.

- I'll go sit at bar. - You stay here.

Sheron, don't you think you're overreacting a bit?

(SIGHS) Right. (CLEARS THROAT) They're here now.

Everyone just... just stay here and remember,

if you haven't got anything nice to say, don't say anything at all.

LORETTA: That's a nice expensive bunch of flowers.

- What did I just say? - That was something nice.

We all know what you meant.

EDDIE: So let me get this right,

we're also not allowed to say things that are nice

in case you think we're saying something nasty.

Shut up. They're here now. just get your mouth shut.

Oh, that is a lovely bunch of flowers.

Robbie bought them for me. Aren't they beautiful?

They are.

Aren't they, Billy?

They are. They're lovely.

I want you all to have one.

Aw!

Aw, beautiful.

- Thank you. - ROB: Right, well,

we got a few bits while we were out so we'll put them upstairs.

Oh, Robbie bought me this beautiful bracelet.

(GASPS)

(COUGHING)

It's lovely.

(CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY)

Right, we'll probably have a siesta, so,

see you in Neptune's?

All right love.

Are we allowed to speak now?

(GROANS)

STANLEY: I'm sorry,

I'm not willing to discuss this in my surgery.

This is not your surgery, this is my salon!

I knew something like this would happen while I was away.

We do not have a licence for a dental surgery!

Did Picasso have a licence? Did Rembrandt have a licence?

No, because they weren't dentists.

Will you please remove yourselves from my reception.

Oh! Who is responsible for this?

Don't you look at me. I've been recovering in the old town.

Jacqueline? - Oh, I'm sorry, Kenneth.

He said he was a friend of yours and you'd be happy to help him out.

A friend? He's a bloody con man. And a lunatic!

- Right, I'm calling the police. - That... Hang on!

Hang on.

Just let me talk to him.

I'm sure we can sort this out in a calm and sensible fashion.

We are all responsible adults, after all.

(ALL SIGH)

How was your wedding?

It was an unmitigated disaster.

Oh, he didn't say no, did he? Or do you mean he said yes?

(BOTH LAUGHING)

- (KENNETH SCREAMING) - (ALL SCREAMING)

-(MUFFLED SCREAMING) - JOYCE: What do you think he's doing?

- He's gone mad! -(MUFFLED) Somebody get...

Do what?

(MUFFLED SCREAMING)

Say it again?

(MUFFLED SCREAMING)

- Call something? - (MUFFLED SCREAMING)

Call the police!

(WHIMPERS)

I've lost everything, Kenneth. Everything.

It all started the day you walked into my surgery.

But I've given you a chance to help me back on my feet.

But you've proved yourself to be totally ineffective.

One might say completely toothless.

(INHALING GAS)

(STANLEY LAUGHS MANIACALLY)

(KENNETH WHIMPERING)

- (DRILL WHIRRING) - (MUFFLED SCREAMING)

-(CACKLING) -(SCREAMING)

(WHIRRING STOPS)

Get out of my hotel!

NOW!

(GASPING)

(SCREAMING)

(CRAZY IN LOVE PLAYING)

# Got me looking so crazy right now

# Your love's got me looking so crazy right now

# Got me looking so crazy right now

# Your touch got me looking so crazy right now

# Got me hoping you'll page me right now

# Your kiss got me hoping you'll save me right now

# Looking so crazy

# Your love's got me looking, got me looking so crazy in love

# Your love

# Uh-oh, uh-oh, uh-oh, oh, no, no, no

# Uh-oh, uh-oh, uh-oh, oh, no, no, no

Ooh, Callum.

I've been ringing you.

Yeah, I know...

Just having a look around, you know, getting my bearings.

Mate, I'm sorry.

No, I'm sorry.

- Drink? - Yeah, I'll have a Coke.

No worries.

# ...way that I know what I thought I knew

# It's the beat my heart skips when I'm with you

She's a great singer.

Yeah.

# How your love can do what no one else can

# Got me looking so crazy right now

# Your love's got me looking so crazy...

Now, apparently,

they're not moving the deranged dentist's equipment out until tomorrow,

so I need us all to be on our guard, he may come back.

What did he do that is so bad?

He took a drill to Kenneth's teeth.

- And this is a bad thing? -(GASPS)

I think his appointment was, how you say, over the due.

A bottle of lager and a Coke, please.

I mean, what would have happened if I'd not been there?

Ah, we have a saying in Spain,

"Happy is the pig who does not know he has shat himself".

I beg your pardon?

This is not a saying in the UK?

The bottom line is, from now on, unless I can get staff

who can be trusted, I'm going to be here 24/7.

Miss Temple Savage, we are always doing our best.

Therein lies the problem.

Oh, I thought I'd find you here.

I booked us a table at Don Pablo's in Altea.

I'm sorry, Monty, I'm not going anywhere.

But Joyce, this is supposed to be our honeymoon!

And thanks to you we didn't get one.

Oh, God, we're not gonna go through all that again, are we?

Excuse me, would you like a drink while you are arguing?

Two gin and tonics.

Anything for you, Monty?

Hey, Rob, how are you?

Callum, how are you, mate?

Joey said you're taking Tiger's place. How's he doing?

He'll live. I thought, as a friend, the least I could do

is drink his all-inclusive beer.

(LAUGHS) Hi, I'm Callum.

- Sorry, mate, this is Cyd. - Hello, Callum.

Cyd, great name.

I'll tell you what,

I'm taking you two out to dinner in Benidorm tonight to catch up.

Ah, no, no, we couldn't let you do that.

-(LAUGHS) No. - I'm serious!

I need to give Joey and Sam some space.

Right, well, we'll have a drink with the family

and then decide where to go, yeah?

Cool. See you later.

(SPEAKING SPANISH)

Who taught you to speak Spanish?

She did.

So that's one local beer and one fizzy water, yeah?

One fizzy beer and one local water, okay.

- Tonight would be great. - Yes, yes, sit down. I'll bring it.

(LAUGHING)

Moron.

Madre mia.

# Uh-oh, uh-oh, uh-oh, no, no, no #

(MOUTHING)

Right. They' re here.

Yes, and we're all going to be on our best behaviour.

It's not you I'm worried about.

Well, don't you two look the glamorous couple.

- Thank you. - Thank you very much.

Very handsome pair.

- Are you all right? - Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Lovely pair. Uh, couple.

They look amazing, uh, both of them.

Rob and erm....

Cyd, Cyd, Cyd. (LAUGHING NERVOUSLY)

Muchas gracias. Thank you very much.

(CHEERING AND APPLAUDING)

(FUNKY DANCE MUSIC PLAYING)

Joyce, please,

- I know we had a lousy wedding... - Mmm-hmm.

And I know we're not having a normal honeymoon,

and I know it's all my fault. But that's why I'm trying to make it up to you.

Monty, I am not leaving this hotel.

If any of this nonsense today gets back to Crystal,

I shall be out of a job and we'll have nowhere to live.

(SIGHS) Okay, we don't leave the hotel

but please, let us have dinner in the room.

I just feel we haven't spent any time alone together

since we both said "I do".

Well, I suppose dinner in the room wouldn't be so bad,

but I'd have to come straight down if they needed me.

Plus,

there's something else we haven't done.

You mean, ask for a refund?

- What, on the wedding? - No, on the honeymoon!

No, no, I meant

we haven't

consummated the marriage.

Monty, are you looking for a get-out clause?

(LAUGHS) Don't be ridiculous. Quite the reverse.

More of a get-in clause.

(SIGHS) Monty, are you sure you're prepared?

You usually need a lot more notice than this.

We won't know till we try, will we?

I tell you what, why don't we skip dinner in the room

and take up a couple of puddings?

What do you intend on doing with them?

It's Arctic roll tonight.

(STAMMERING) I meant just to have something for after.

But if we're at it for a while we'll just end up with two spongy hoops.

I beg your pardon?

When the ice cream melts.

Oh, Monty, for goodness' sake, just go up to the room.

I'll follow on in a few minutes.

Oh, I think there's profiteroles on as well.

Just go!

Them teeth look ridiculous.

Oh, I know they do.

I'll get them removed somewhere tomorrow.

Well, I hope it's slightly less traumatic

than when mine were nearly removed today.

Oh, Kenneth.

I can't help but feel partly responsible.

Partly responsible?

It was you that brought the demon dentist here in the first place.

It was him that tried to rip me off last year for me Uncle Herbert's gold teeth.

Ooh, well, I didn't know that.

Right.

I'm off into the old town to meet Vladimir.

He texted me over and hour ago

to say he put a sausage platter in the oven for me.

It's gonna be as dry as a bone.

- Who's Vladimir? - My new boyfriend.

- Oh! - The one who saved me life.

As opposed to you, who nearly ended it.

Now, I'm not being peevish, Jacqueline,

but I don't see how I can not tell Troy about this.

Well, there's a problem with that, Kenneth.

What do you mean?

Well, I came into some money a few months ago,

-quite a lot of money. - Oh, aye?

I found an old bank book of Donald's in a drawer

and, well, I often wondered how a man who would walk three miles

to save five pence on a packet of biscuits

never saved any money.

Well, he did.

I'm thrilled for you. Spend it wisely.

I did. I bought the salon.

- What? - I bought the salon from Troy.

I was waiting until Liam came back tomorrow

before I told you.

I'm your new boss, Kenneth.

SHERON: What do you mean you're going out for your dinner?

- We haven't seen you for two months. - We're going out with Callum.

Who' s Callum?

It's all inclusive here.

And plenty of chips.

Billy?

- Billy. - What?

Oh, erm, breasts please.

Urn, I mean, uh, chicken... Chicken breasts.

One is probably... One, isn't it?

Uh, anything. I'll have anything.

I'll have the burger, no bun, no cheese, no salad, no chips.

Actually, I don't want the burger, either.

Have you quite done showing me up?

What are you talking about?

You're slobbering over that poor young lass.

What? Don't be ridiculous!

You don't even know you're doing it.

CYD: We can eat here.

We've made other arrangements.

SHERON: (SIGHS) It's fine, love, we've got all week.

It'll give your father's eyes a rest.

- Hmm? - Nothing.

MAN. And next up on the Karaoke is Billy.

Oh, uh, no, go on to the next one.

Is there a Billy here?

- He's here. - No, no, he's not here.

Oh, come on. I'll do it with you. I love karaoke.

- Oh, no, no. Oh, no, absolutely not. - Come on!

(CAN'T TAKE MY EYES OFF OF YOU PLAYXNCQ

On, no, no, no. Not this one. I've changed me mind.

I'll sing a different one. Not this one.

(BILL MUMBLING)

# Can't take my eyes off of you

# You'd feel like heaven to touch

# I want to hold you so much

-# At long last love has arrived - She' s keen.

Oh, she's up for anything, Cyd.

I bet.

# You're just too good to be true

# Can't take my eyes off of you

# Pardon the way that I stare

# There's nothing else to compare

# The sight of you leaves me weak

# There are no words left to speak

-# And if you feel like I feel - Sure I do.

# Please let me know that it's real

# You're just too good to be true

# Can't take my eyes off of you

She is something else!

So is he. He can barely breathe.

- You were right, you know. - About what?

About me hanging with Sam. It's not fair.

- We're on holiday together, my bad. - No, no, mate,

- I overreacted. - No, no.

Yes, seriously, and there's a reason...

There's a reason...

I've never had...

Callum, you don't have to explain anything.

This is the first holiday I've ever had.

- What? - Yeah.

I'm 26 and this is the first holiday I've ever had.

Not my first holiday abroad, my first holiday.

I live with my mum and she can't work and, well,

we never had any money as a family, even before my dad died and...

I guess that's why I didn't argue with Tiger when he said

he didn't want the money for the holiday.

I didn't have the money.

And I'm embarrassed.

Sorry.

So that's why you were staring at everything when you got here.

I couldn't take it all in.

I thought you were staring at the pool.

I thought you were gonna say "I can't swim".

- This is your first holiday ever? - Straight up.

Right. We'd better hit the town! (LAUGHS)

(LAUGHS) No, I can't, mate. I've got plans.

Oh, don't be like that.

I'm not being funny, I'm going out for dinner with Rob and Cyd.

- Well, we'll all go out. - No.

Joey, I can see you like Sam.

You've not seen her for a year, you've got stuff to sort out.

We got all week to go out. Seriously.

This is your first night of your first ever holiday.

And I'm going to be spending it hanging out with mates. It's cool.

And my other mate is going to be seeing his girl for the first night in a year.

(LAUGHS)

Right, what are you two up to? Are you out on the town?

Uh, I'm afraid I've got a prior engagement,

so you guys are on your own.

I'm off to the bar. See yous in the morning.

Is he all right?

Yeah, he's good. It's a long story.

- Come on. (LAUGHS) -(GIGGLES)

BILLY AND CYD: # Can't take my eyes off of you

Right, now, Mateo, everything seems fine here.

Any problems, call me.

Sure thing, Miss Temple Savage.

Two profiteroles.

What's that?

- Oh, chocolate sauce. -(LAUGHS)

Profiteroles are rich enough without chocolate sauce.

- Oh... - Oh, no, actually...

I'll take it, you never know,

Monty might fancy a bit.

Don't think Monty's the only one. (LAUGHS)

# Now that I've found you stay

# And let me love...

I can't.

# Trust in me when I say... #

(STAMMERING) No, I'm... Sorry, sorry, sorry, that's enough.

-(SCREAMS) -(AUDIENCE GASPS)

- Cyd! Jesus! - Oh, my God!

Cyd!

- You okay? - I'm okay.

I'm okay, really.

What the bloody hell did you think you were doing?

You're not okay, we're going to the hospital.

You've crippled her, she'll never walk again.

Really, I'm fine.

I'm taking you to the hospital, just for a check-up.

- I'll come with you. - No!

- No! - Come on. We'll text you in a bit.

- Is everything okay? - Yeah, she'll be fine.

I have no idea what just happened.

EDDIE: Typical.

The one time he takes his eyes off her, he drags her off bloody stage.

She jumped off the stage, everybody saw that.

Now, just you wait for the claim to come in.

Oh, she's good, that one. She's good!

But it were an accident!

- Is everything okay? - Yeah, everything's fine.

But, um, listen, I think it's an early bath for us, mate, sorry.

We can do dinner another night, yeah?

Yeah, sure. Of course, no worries.

- Do you want your table back? - No, it's fine.

- And your friend, he has gone? - Yeah.

I think I'm gonna sit on my balcony. I've got a great sea view.

Not much of a holiday.

It's the best one I've ever had.

(CAR HORNS HONKING)

Monty!

I've got a surprise for you.

Monty!

(MONTY SNORING)

- Monty! - (SNORTS)

(SIGHS)

What's the bloody point? Oh!

(DOOR SLAMS)

(SNORING CONTINUES)

(THEME MUSIC PLAYING)