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1
00:00:36,360 --> 00:00:38,829
- Beautiful night.
- Oh, yes.
2
00:00:42,200 --> 00:00:43,395
(FARTS)
3
00:00:46,280 --> 00:00:48,032
The drains can catch
the back of your throat,
4
00:00:48,160 --> 00:00:51,471
but if you're not downwind of them,
it's very pleasant.
5
00:00:53,760 --> 00:00:56,752
Just think, this time tomorrow,
you'll be Mrs Mel Harvey.
6
00:00:56,880 --> 00:00:59,269
I'm not changing me first name.
7
00:00:59,400 --> 00:01:01,789
No, no, that's just the way
we'll be invited to functions.
8
00:01:01,920 --> 00:01:03,319
Mr and Mrs Mel Harvey.
9
00:01:03,440 --> 00:01:07,274
Ooh!
What functions will we be invited to?
10
00:01:08,240 --> 00:01:09,674
Just you wait, Madge.
11
00:01:10,960 --> 00:01:12,030
Just you wait.
12
00:01:19,080 --> 00:01:21,435
(MICK SIGHING)
13
00:01:38,720 --> 00:01:40,393
Those are me knees.
14
00:01:40,520 --> 00:01:42,989
Hmm. Well, thank God for that.
15
00:01:45,040 --> 00:01:47,634
- You all right?
- Yeah, I'm fine.
16
00:01:50,080 --> 00:01:52,356
You're not still worried
about your mam, are you?
17
00:01:52,480 --> 00:01:54,835
She's 68
and she's getting married tomorrow.
18
00:01:54,960 --> 00:01:58,635
Yeah, well, she's old enough
to know what she's doing.
19
00:01:58,760 --> 00:01:59,830
Hmm.
20
00:02:04,280 --> 00:02:05,395
I hope so.
21
00:02:06,320 --> 00:02:08,880
Talking about being old enough
to know what you're doing, come here.
22
00:02:09,000 --> 00:02:10,991
JANICE: Eh, eh, eh! Don't wake the kids.
23
00:02:11,120 --> 00:02:12,554
MICK: Oh, it's all right. Come on.
24
00:02:14,000 --> 00:02:20,235
Madge, would you mind
if I put my arm round you?
25
00:02:20,360 --> 00:02:23,159
No. Of course not.
26
00:02:27,720 --> 00:02:30,553
You're a very handsome woman.
You do know that, don't you?
27
00:02:30,680 --> 00:02:33,911
Well, I've managed to keep me figure,
I suppose.
28
00:02:34,040 --> 00:02:35,519
You've done more than that.
29
00:02:36,800 --> 00:02:38,996
MAN: Yeah, that's it.
30
00:02:39,120 --> 00:02:41,270
- What the bloody hell?
- Who's there?
31
00:02:41,400 --> 00:02:44,392
Come on, get on with it.
I've only got a bit of tape left.
32
00:02:44,520 --> 00:02:45,669
What the hell
do you think you're playing at?
33
00:02:45,800 --> 00:02:47,074
What am I playing at?
34
00:02:47,920 --> 00:02:50,673
What about you?
You're the ones on Dogger's Beach.
35
00:02:50,800 --> 00:02:51,995
Doggers what?
36
00:02:52,120 --> 00:02:54,555
People having sex in public.
37
00:02:54,680 --> 00:02:56,193
Don't tell me you didn't know!
38
00:02:56,320 --> 00:02:57,435
(SHUDDERS)
39
00:02:57,920 --> 00:03:00,560
Madge! Mel!
40
00:03:00,680 --> 00:03:03,877
What a lovely surprise seeing you here.
41
00:03:04,000 --> 00:03:06,310
Jesus Christ!
I might have known you'd be here.
42
00:03:06,440 --> 00:03:07,555
Hello.
43
00:03:07,680 --> 00:03:10,240
Oh, we've not missed any action,
have we?
44
00:03:10,360 --> 00:03:12,954
No, I think the one in
the wheelchair is a bit shy.
45
00:03:13,080 --> 00:03:16,118
Oh, you did know
this was a dogging beach, didn't ya?
46
00:03:16,240 --> 00:03:18,231
We don't even know what "dogging” is.
47
00:03:18,360 --> 00:03:20,317
It's happening all around you.
48
00:03:20,960 --> 00:03:22,678
(GRUNTING)
49
00:03:23,520 --> 00:03:25,079
(MOANING)
50
00:03:27,640 --> 00:03:28,789
Oh, my God.
51
00:03:28,920 --> 00:03:31,309
Well, what am I looking at?
I can't see anything.
52
00:03:31,440 --> 00:03:34,398
Thank God for that. Your stomach's
a bit dicky at the best of times.
53
00:03:34,520 --> 00:03:37,717
Come on, princess. Bloody perverts.
54
00:03:37,840 --> 00:03:40,878
I can hear a squelching noise.
55
00:03:41,000 --> 00:03:44,072
Come on, we're off.
Animals, the lot of you.
56
00:03:44,200 --> 00:03:45,998
Oh, dear.
57
00:03:46,120 --> 00:03:48,839
Oh, well! Up for a threesome?
58
00:03:48,960 --> 00:03:49,995
Absolutely!
59
00:03:50,120 --> 00:03:51,554
(ALL LAUGHING)
60
00:04:03,560 --> 00:04:06,473
- Martin...
- No, don't say anything.
61
00:04:08,120 --> 00:04:10,236
- Could I...
- No. Seriously.
62
00:04:11,160 --> 00:04:13,959
I know why you left me.
It was to get some space.
63
00:04:14,600 --> 00:04:16,477
That's exactly what
I'm going to give you.
64
00:04:16,960 --> 00:04:18,234
I'll be by the pool.
65
00:04:19,160 --> 00:04:20,833
- But I..
- No!
66
00:04:20,960 --> 00:04:23,270
- Would it... Could I...
- Ah! Ah!
67
00:04:27,200 --> 00:04:28,474
...have a cup of tea?
68
00:04:35,640 --> 00:04:37,233
How are you feeling?
69
00:04:38,640 --> 00:04:40,472
Rough as a dog's arse.
70
00:04:40,600 --> 00:04:42,557
Yeah. You looked a bit worse for wear
71
00:04:42,680 --> 00:04:46,150
when Chantelle
brought you home last night.
72
00:04:46,280 --> 00:04:49,193
- What time did I get in?
- Oh, I can't remember.
73
00:04:49,320 --> 00:04:55,475
It was late. I think she said
you'd both been watching telly
74
00:04:55,600 --> 00:04:58,399
in her apartment
while her family were out.
75
00:04:59,400 --> 00:05:00,879
I don't remember that bit.
76
00:05:01,000 --> 00:05:05,358
I think watching telly was...
77
00:05:06,760 --> 00:05:09,195
- What do you call it?
- A euphemism.
78
00:05:11,320 --> 00:05:15,917
What do you call it when you want to
use another word for having sex?
79
00:05:17,680 --> 00:05:20,149
I'm going for a lie down.
80
00:05:20,280 --> 00:05:21,918
All right, son.
81
00:05:30,800 --> 00:05:33,599
Here you are.
Get your laughing gear round that.
82
00:05:35,560 --> 00:05:37,153
- What's that?
- Bacardi and coke.
83
00:05:37,280 --> 00:05:38,634
It's 10:00 in the morning.
84
00:05:38,760 --> 00:05:41,434
I know, exactly.
Only 15 hours of free drinking left.
85
00:05:41,560 --> 00:05:42,880
Morning, boys.
86
00:05:43,000 --> 00:05:47,551
Oh! Morning, Gavin. How are you feeling?
87
00:05:47,680 --> 00:05:49,557
Have you heard from your mum?
88
00:05:49,680 --> 00:05:52,274
- Not yet, no.
- Oh!
89
00:05:52,400 --> 00:05:53,390
You off to the wedding today?
90
00:05:53,520 --> 00:05:56,080
We hardly had a chance
to say hello to her.
91
00:05:56,200 --> 00:05:57,429
Nice day for a wedding, isn't it?
92
00:05:57,560 --> 00:06:00,791
I mean, one minute she's there,
next minute, she disappeared.
93
00:06:00,920 --> 00:06:02,354
Not a cloud in the sky.
94
00:06:02,480 --> 00:06:06,314
If it were me, I'd be worried
I'd said something to offend her.
95
00:06:06,440 --> 00:06:08,829
You know, marching off without even...
96
00:06:08,960 --> 00:06:10,917
Sorry, Jacqueline, can I stop you there?
97
00:06:12,120 --> 00:06:13,474
Thank you.
98
00:06:14,240 --> 00:06:15,435
We had a bit of a run-in
99
00:06:15,560 --> 00:06:18,313
with Madge and her gentleman friend
on the beach last night.
100
00:06:18,440 --> 00:06:19,839
What? You went on
the beach after Neptune's?
101
00:06:19,960 --> 00:06:22,713
Oh, yes.
It's quite a tradition in Benidorm.
102
00:06:22,840 --> 00:06:24,353
It's not everybody's cup of tea.
103
00:06:24,480 --> 00:06:26,994
But we always take
our video camera down there.
104
00:06:27,120 --> 00:06:31,079
Always something interesting to film,
if you know what I mean.
105
00:06:31,200 --> 00:06:32,190
Are you serious?
106
00:06:32,320 --> 00:06:35,631
Oh, yes! One year, Jacqueline and I
got someone to film us
107
00:06:35,760 --> 00:06:39,469
recreating the famous love scene from
that movie...
108
00:06:39,600 --> 00:06:42,831
- Oh, what is it called?
- Free Willy?
109
00:06:42,960 --> 00:06:44,997
No. What was it?
110
00:06:45,120 --> 00:06:47,396
- From Here To Eternity.
- Hmm.
111
00:06:47,520 --> 00:06:50,956
Bloody hell! And you say Madge and her
boyfriend were down there last night?
112
00:06:51,080 --> 00:06:53,310
Yes. They didn't last long.
113
00:06:53,440 --> 00:06:57,070
Although we did meet a very nice
Welsh chap, didn't we?
114
00:06:57,200 --> 00:07:00,636
Oh, yes! He lasted a lot longer.
115
00:07:02,080 --> 00:07:04,356
Toto, I don't think
we're in Kansas any more.
116
00:07:10,840 --> 00:07:12,592
(KNOCKING ON DOOR)
117
00:07:13,200 --> 00:07:15,350
- Who is it?
- It's Mick.
118
00:07:15,480 --> 00:07:16,515
What do you want?
119
00:07:16,640 --> 00:07:20,520
# Here comes the bride, 60 inches wide
120
00:07:20,640 --> 00:07:23,837
# Here comes the vicar
wearing women's knick... #
121
00:07:23,960 --> 00:07:25,030
Do you mind?
122
00:07:25,880 --> 00:07:27,712
Here you are, bit of Dutch courage.
123
00:07:28,600 --> 00:07:31,592
- What are you doing here?
- Well, I just came to say hello.
124
00:07:31,720 --> 00:07:34,394
See if you need any help. Where's Madge?
125
00:07:35,240 --> 00:07:37,277
Downstairs,
getting a last-minute suntan.
126
00:07:37,400 --> 00:07:38,435
(MICK LAUGHS)
127
00:07:38,560 --> 00:07:40,198
And I'll have no wisecracks from you,
thank you very much.
128
00:07:40,320 --> 00:07:43,995
No, no. It'll do her good
to get a bit of colour.
129
00:07:44,160 --> 00:07:46,674
I'm not sure what colour there is
left for her to go, but...
130
00:07:48,480 --> 00:07:51,438
Sorry. Sorry, just a...just a joke.
131
00:07:52,320 --> 00:07:56,439
Well, here we are then.
The day of the wedding.
132
00:07:56,560 --> 00:07:57,630
(MICK CHUCKLES)
133
00:07:57,760 --> 00:07:59,353
Have you just come up here
to state the obvious?
134
00:07:59,480 --> 00:08:01,039
Personally,
I've got better things to do.
135
00:08:01,160 --> 00:08:04,630
No, no, I just wanted to say,
you know, um,
136
00:08:04,760 --> 00:08:07,400
it's not too late for you to back out.
137
00:08:07,520 --> 00:08:08,999
You got ten seconds to leave this room.
138
00:08:09,120 --> 00:08:13,193
No, don't get me wrong. I don't mean
cancel the wedding, just postpone it.
139
00:08:13,320 --> 00:08:14,640
Why would we do that?
140
00:08:14,760 --> 00:08:16,592
Well, Madge has only
known you four weeks.
141
00:08:16,720 --> 00:08:18,677
We only met you just over a week ago.
142
00:08:18,800 --> 00:08:20,996
I think, we should just spend a bit
more time to get to know you,
143
00:08:21,120 --> 00:08:22,235
that's all.
144
00:08:24,000 --> 00:08:25,229
Sit down.
145
00:08:30,360 --> 00:08:31,509
What do you want to know?
146
00:08:31,640 --> 00:08:35,679
Well, we know you've got a couple of
sunbed shops, but, apart from that...
147
00:08:36,880 --> 00:08:39,599
My full name is Melvin Churchill Harvey.
148
00:08:39,720 --> 00:08:43,634
I was born an only child in Leeds,
on Christmas Day, 1939.
149
00:08:43,760 --> 00:08:47,196
Opened me first bakery in Kirkstall
in 1962.
150
00:08:47,320 --> 00:08:50,950
My only wife died in 1979. No children.
151
00:08:51,080 --> 00:08:53,993
By 1992, I had 14 sandwich shops,
152
00:08:54,120 --> 00:08:58,796
which I sold for 1.8 million
when I retired in 2005.
153
00:08:58,920 --> 00:09:02,311
I opened a sunbed shop
in 2006 for something to do.
154
00:09:02,440 --> 00:09:04,317
Six months later, I had five shops.
155
00:09:04,440 --> 00:09:05,953
And I'm currently considering an offer
156
00:09:06,080 --> 00:09:08,799
from a multi-national fitness club
to buy me out.
157
00:09:10,560 --> 00:09:12,153
What else do you want to know?
158
00:09:16,520 --> 00:09:17,840
(GULPS)
159
00:09:19,400 --> 00:09:22,438
What are we doing sitting here, eh?
160
00:09:22,560 --> 00:09:25,916
Nattering on like a pair of old women
when you,
161
00:09:26,040 --> 00:09:28,759
you should be getting ready
for the happiest day of your life.
162
00:09:28,880 --> 00:09:30,393
Which is what I was doing
before I was interrupted.
163
00:09:30,520 --> 00:09:32,557
I'm going to leave you now to get on,
164
00:09:34,480 --> 00:09:36,517
but if you need anything,
anything at all,
165
00:09:36,640 --> 00:09:38,597
you just give
your old son-in-law a shout, yeah?
166
00:09:40,200 --> 00:09:41,315
Very kind, I'm sure.
167
00:09:41,440 --> 00:09:44,432
-3:00, on the beach.
- That's right.
168
00:09:44,560 --> 00:09:46,995
Don't bother coming to get me.
I'll make me own way down there.
169
00:09:47,120 --> 00:09:50,238
All right. I'll see you later, then,
170
00:09:53,280 --> 00:09:54,429
Dad.
171
00:10:07,840 --> 00:10:10,434
Telle, does this look all right
for during the day?
172
00:10:10,560 --> 00:10:11,550
Yeah.
173
00:10:11,680 --> 00:10:13,034
You're not even looking.
174
00:10:13,160 --> 00:10:14,878
Trust your nana to get married
with ten minutes notice
175
00:10:15,000 --> 00:10:18,072
when nobody's got
anything decent to wear.
176
00:10:18,200 --> 00:10:20,794
Come on, Telle, you need to get changed.
177
00:10:20,920 --> 00:10:23,673
I've told you twice,
I'm not wearing that dress.
178
00:10:23,800 --> 00:10:25,393
It's your nana's wedding day.
179
00:10:25,520 --> 00:10:27,238
Her and Mel
have bought it for you to wear.
180
00:10:27,360 --> 00:10:29,351
Yeah, well, there's two reasons
why I'm not wearing it.
181
00:10:29,480 --> 00:10:30,800
(SIGHS)
182
00:10:31,200 --> 00:10:32,838
Look who I found outside,
183
00:10:32,960 --> 00:10:36,271
tanning her beautiful, golden skin
in the Mediterranean sun,
184
00:10:36,400 --> 00:10:38,391
the blushing bride herself.
185
00:10:38,520 --> 00:10:40,113
I think he's drunk!
186
00:10:40,840 --> 00:10:43,150
Come on, mam, what are you playing at?
It's 2:00.
187
00:10:43,280 --> 00:10:45,032
We had to come the long way round.
188
00:10:45,160 --> 00:10:46,594
Didn't want to bump into Mel.
189
00:10:46,720 --> 00:10:49,075
It's bad luck for him to see me
before the wedding.
190
00:10:49,200 --> 00:10:51,714
He's marrying you.
How much bad luck can one man have?
191
00:10:51,840 --> 00:10:56,391
Oy! That's enough cheek from you.
I've never seen a better suited couple.
192
00:10:56,520 --> 00:10:58,238
I'll be through in a minute, mam.
193
00:10:58,360 --> 00:11:00,829
- Are you pissed?
- Oh, what makes you say that?
194
00:11:00,960 --> 00:11:04,430
Well, you've spent the last 16 years
winding me mother up.
195
00:11:04,560 --> 00:11:06,631
Now, you're all over her.
196
00:11:06,760 --> 00:11:12,790
I have just found out that our future
father-in-law is a multi-millionaire.
197
00:11:12,920 --> 00:11:14,797
- You're taking the piss?
- Oh, no.
198
00:11:14,920 --> 00:11:16,069
Oh, no.
199
00:11:16,200 --> 00:11:17,270
So, you can tell your mother
200
00:11:17,400 --> 00:11:20,870
that I'll wear the frigging bridesmaid's
dress, if it'll make her happy.
201
00:11:21,000 --> 00:11:22,479
Are you going to help me
with this dress?
202
00:11:22,600 --> 00:11:24,591
I'm coming, mam.
203
00:11:24,720 --> 00:11:26,438
- Oh, my God!
- Yes!
204
00:11:27,480 --> 00:11:30,757
# We're in the money
Don't call me honey #
205
00:11:30,880 --> 00:11:33,235
(SCATTING)
206
00:11:38,200 --> 00:11:39,235
(SIGHS)
207
00:11:49,920 --> 00:11:51,718
Nobody gets in
if they haven't got a wristband.
208
00:11:51,840 --> 00:11:53,353
I don't want any riff-raff.
209
00:11:53,480 --> 00:11:55,232
No problem, boss, I take care of it.
210
00:11:55,360 --> 00:11:58,557
Haven't seen the vicar, have you?
I asked him to get here early.
211
00:11:58,680 --> 00:12:01,240
It was Reverend Tim you booked?
212
00:12:01,360 --> 00:12:03,715
He works in a gay bar
in the old town on the weekend.
213
00:12:03,840 --> 00:12:06,753
The local vicar works
behind a bar in a queer club?
214
00:12:06,880 --> 00:12:11,636
Oh, no, no. He no work behind the bar.
He is the drag act.
215
00:12:11,760 --> 00:12:13,080
Very good.
216
00:12:16,720 --> 00:12:21,476
Mel! Hey, what a spread!
I knew you wouldn't let us down, dad.
217
00:12:21,600 --> 00:12:22,874
Wristband.
218
00:12:25,520 --> 00:12:26,794
Wristband.
219
00:12:28,080 --> 00:12:31,550
Are you taking the piss?
You know who I am.
220
00:12:31,680 --> 00:12:33,478
I took it off 'cause it was annoying me.
221
00:12:33,600 --> 00:12:36,160
No wristband, no entry.
222
00:12:38,480 --> 00:12:41,757
- Come on, sod the lot of 'em.
- Right.
223
00:12:43,000 --> 00:12:48,518
Uh, I might just go in for one glass
of champagne. Would you mind, son?
224
00:12:48,640 --> 00:12:50,916
I do love a good wedding.
225
00:12:51,920 --> 00:12:53,593
GEOFF'S MUM: Oh, thank you.
226
00:12:54,360 --> 00:12:55,555
Unbelievable!
227
00:12:55,680 --> 00:12:57,557
(THE WEDDING SAMBA PLAYING)
228
00:13:03,720 --> 00:13:06,838
Well, you've got to hand it to them.
They've done it in style.
229
00:13:06,960 --> 00:13:09,349
Oh, and lovely, isn't it?
230
00:13:09,480 --> 00:13:11,437
What was your wedding like?
231
00:13:11,560 --> 00:13:14,029
Oddly enough,
nowhere near as camp as this.
232
00:13:14,920 --> 00:13:16,638
Excuse me, darlings.
233
00:13:18,280 --> 00:13:21,159
My, God. I think
I might actually love Benidorm.
234
00:13:23,920 --> 00:13:26,355
Telle! Telle!
235
00:13:27,520 --> 00:13:29,750
Pass us your wristband. I can't get in.
236
00:13:29,880 --> 00:13:32,554
What? So that you can get pissed
and fall asleep again?
237
00:13:32,680 --> 00:13:36,116
Yeah, I'm sorry about that.
I think I must have had me drink spiked.
238
00:13:36,240 --> 00:13:39,153
I'm actually East Lancashire's
Real Ale Drinking Champion.
239
00:13:39,280 --> 00:13:43,035
Do you know, it's funny
how you're champion at all sorts,
240
00:13:43,160 --> 00:13:45,231
but you can't actually do anything.
241
00:13:45,360 --> 00:13:49,558
You're an expert on most subjects,
but you don't really know anything.
242
00:13:51,080 --> 00:13:54,038
I know I was probably crap in bed,
243
00:13:54,160 --> 00:13:56,436
but I don't remember anything.
244
00:13:56,560 --> 00:13:58,517
Which is odd, 'cause you're probably
245
00:13:58,640 --> 00:14:00,517
East Lancashire's
Memory Champion as well.
246
00:14:00,640 --> 00:14:02,677
I can memorlse 60 random objects!
247
00:14:02,800 --> 00:14:05,440
Really? Well, that's fascinating!
248
00:14:05,560 --> 00:14:08,200
And I'll tell you
something else interesting, Geoff.
249
00:14:09,400 --> 00:14:11,755
We didn't sleep together.
250
00:14:11,880 --> 00:14:14,793
Just 'cause I'm a teenage single mom,
don't mean I'm a slag!
251
00:14:14,920 --> 00:14:17,673
A bit like, even though you know
all the capitals of the world,
252
00:14:17,800 --> 00:14:19,950
it don't make you an interesting person.
253
00:14:26,520 --> 00:14:29,399
- Quarter past three.
- Don't worry, she'll be here.
254
00:14:29,520 --> 00:14:33,195
- Hope she's not had second thoughts.
- You're not the only one.
255
00:14:34,080 --> 00:14:36,356
(WEDDING MARCH PLAYING)
256
00:14:58,480 --> 00:14:59,834
(ALL APPLAUDING)
257
00:14:59,960 --> 00:15:02,918
I'm confused. Can she walk or can't she?
258
00:15:03,040 --> 00:15:05,839
Why walk down the aisle
when you can glide?
259
00:15:27,560 --> 00:15:28,709
Dearly beloved...
260
00:15:28,840 --> 00:15:31,354
Jesus!
The vicar's got more make-up on than me.
261
00:15:31,480 --> 00:15:34,632
...here on this wonderful,
sunny afternoon...
262
00:15:34,760 --> 00:15:37,149
- I'm between shows.
- Oh.
263
00:15:37,280 --> 00:15:40,796
To witness the marriage
of Mel and Madge.
264
00:15:42,440 --> 00:15:46,513
It is at this time that I would
like to say a few words on behalf of...
265
00:15:46,640 --> 00:15:50,156
Shall we sit together?
I'm on me own as well.
266
00:15:50,280 --> 00:15:53,238
Oh, yes, okay.
267
00:15:53,360 --> 00:15:57,035
...during this gay musical
that we call life.
268
00:15:57,160 --> 00:16:00,039
I heard your wife left you.
269
00:16:00,160 --> 00:16:01,275
I am sorry.
270
00:16:01,400 --> 00:16:04,950
Well, she didn't exactly leave me.
She just needed some space.
271
00:16:05,080 --> 00:16:07,390
Oh, I see. Well, I suppose...
272
00:16:07,520 --> 00:16:08,669
Hello.
273
00:16:13,880 --> 00:16:16,190
Mel and Madge have been lucky enough
274
00:16:16,320 --> 00:16:19,597
to find each other
during life's closing number.
275
00:16:19,720 --> 00:16:23,509
Jesus! He's pushed the boat out here,
this must have cost him a fortune!
276
00:16:23,640 --> 00:16:27,031
Don't worry. There's plenty more
where that came from.
277
00:16:27,160 --> 00:16:31,199
If any one person here present
knows of any lawful impediment
278
00:16:31,320 --> 00:16:35,439
to this marriage,
then he or she should declare it now.
279
00:16:40,680 --> 00:16:41,715
JACK: Janice!
280
00:16:43,760 --> 00:16:45,034
MAN: Hey, who's that?
281
00:16:46,800 --> 00:16:50,191
It's your last chance. I got the car
with me, we can go anywhere you want.
282
00:16:50,320 --> 00:16:52,391
Did someone order a taxi?
283
00:16:52,520 --> 00:16:54,431
- Jesus Christ!
- It's that lad from last night.
284
00:16:54,560 --> 00:16:56,915
If you won't come with me,
just give me one more kiss.
285
00:16:57,040 --> 00:16:58,269
I can't stop thinking about ya.
286
00:16:58,400 --> 00:17:00,676
- Get rid of him.
- MATEO: Okay.
287
00:17:00,800 --> 00:17:03,235
Janice! Janice!
288
00:17:03,360 --> 00:17:06,273
- One more?
- I don't think he's all there.
289
00:17:06,400 --> 00:17:09,279
I think he might have
learning difficulties.
290
00:17:09,400 --> 00:17:12,438
He'll have fucking walking difficulties
if he comes anywhere near me!
291
00:17:13,360 --> 00:17:15,431
JACK: Janice!
292
00:17:15,560 --> 00:17:18,313
- Shall we continue?
- Yes, let's.
293
00:17:19,320 --> 00:17:24,679
Do you, Madge Delilah Barron,
take Melvin Churchill Harvey
294
00:17:24,800 --> 00:17:26,029
as your lawful wedded husband...
295
00:17:26,160 --> 00:17:28,959
- What was all that about?
- I don't know.
296
00:17:29,080 --> 00:17:32,232
- What did he mean, another kiss?
- I honestly have no idea.
297
00:17:32,360 --> 00:17:38,231
...or in health, to love and to cherish
till death do you part.
298
00:17:38,360 --> 00:17:39,839
I do.
299
00:17:39,960 --> 00:17:43,351
Do you, Melvin Churchill Harvey...
300
00:17:43,480 --> 00:17:48,919
Kate, I know I've handled this situation
badly, but people make mistakes.
301
00:17:49,040 --> 00:17:51,839
Martin, I've been to see someone
this morning.
302
00:17:51,960 --> 00:17:54,395
- A lawyer?
- A doctor.
303
00:17:54,520 --> 00:17:56,636
Oh, my God,
I knew there was something wrong.
304
00:17:56,760 --> 00:17:58,159
I'm pregnant.
305
00:18:00,200 --> 00:18:03,397
- But when did we...
- The night of the arm wrestling match.
306
00:18:03,520 --> 00:18:06,034
But we were told
I couldn't give you a baby.
307
00:18:06,160 --> 00:18:07,912
People make mistakes.
308
00:18:09,320 --> 00:18:10,435
(KATE LAUGHS)
309
00:18:13,000 --> 00:18:18,552
To love and to cherish
till death do you part?
310
00:18:19,400 --> 00:18:20,754
- I..
- MARTIN: Yes!
311
00:18:20,880 --> 00:18:21,950
(WOMAN LAUGHING)
312
00:18:27,360 --> 00:18:28,475
Sorry.
313
00:18:33,600 --> 00:18:37,514
To love and to cherish
till death do us part?
314
00:18:40,920 --> 00:18:42,433
(MAN SCREAMING)
315
00:18:43,600 --> 00:18:47,389
Fucking hell!
316
00:18:47,680 --> 00:18:48,909
(MEL EXCLAIMS)
317
00:18:50,320 --> 00:18:51,879
(ALL EXCLAIMING)
318
00:18:57,640 --> 00:18:59,392
I'm sorry. Are you all right?
319
00:18:59,520 --> 00:19:00,954
(MAN SCREAMING)
320
00:19:03,480 --> 00:19:04,470
No! Get me down!l
321
00:19:04,600 --> 00:19:05,954
Oh!
322
00:19:06,080 --> 00:19:07,753
GEOFF: Mother! Mother!
323
00:19:08,640 --> 00:19:10,517
MADGE: Oh, Mel! Mel!
324
00:19:10,640 --> 00:19:11,994
He said "I do" I heard him.
325
00:19:12,120 --> 00:19:14,157
- Hey, that was lucky wasn't it?
- Get out of the way, you idiot.
326
00:19:14,280 --> 00:19:16,157
Mel! Mel! Can you hear me?
327
00:19:16,280 --> 00:19:18,317
Oh, my God. That's it.
328
00:19:18,440 --> 00:19:22,559
I've lost him. That big, fat lump
tried to kill him the last time.
329
00:19:22,680 --> 00:19:24,318
He's done it now.
330
00:19:24,440 --> 00:19:27,831
(SOBBING) What am I going to do?
331
00:19:27,960 --> 00:19:29,519
His feet are moving!
332
00:19:30,640 --> 00:19:32,358
They are. His feet are moving.
333
00:19:32,480 --> 00:19:36,439
- He's not dead!
- Come on, dad, you can make it.
334
00:19:37,200 --> 00:19:42,559
Don't go towards the light. Whatever
you do, don't go towards the light!
335
00:19:42,680 --> 00:19:44,079
(GROANING)
336
00:19:44,200 --> 00:19:45,554
Come on, Mel, you can do it.
337
00:19:45,680 --> 00:19:46,670
(MEL GROANS)
338
00:19:46,800 --> 00:19:48,473
- He's allve!
- Yes!
339
00:19:48,600 --> 00:19:50,830
(ALL CHEERING)
340
00:19:51,800 --> 00:19:53,791
Now, come on, someone get the vicar.
Let's get this wrapped up.
341
00:19:53,920 --> 00:19:55,672
What do you think you're doing?
He needs to go to hospital!
342
00:19:55,800 --> 00:19:56,835
Look...
343
00:19:56,960 --> 00:19:57,995
I really think
he should go to a hospital.
344
00:19:58,120 --> 00:20:00,634
This man has waited all his life
to meet the woman of his dreams!
345
00:20:00,760 --> 00:20:02,956
Get that vicar here now!
346
00:20:05,400 --> 00:20:06,595
(MEL MOANING)
347
00:20:08,840 --> 00:20:10,274
Read, fast.
348
00:20:11,040 --> 00:20:13,316
Do you, Melvin Churchill Harvey...
349
00:20:13,440 --> 00:20:14,510
Who are you?
350
00:20:14,640 --> 00:20:17,314
That's the vicar, Mel.
You've had a bump on the head.
351
00:20:17,440 --> 00:20:18,430
Who are you?
352
00:20:18,560 --> 00:20:21,712
Oh, shit! Mel, Mel, don't panic,
it'll all come back to you.
353
00:20:21,840 --> 00:20:23,831
You remember Madge, don't you?
354
00:20:23,960 --> 00:20:25,234
(MEL EXCLAIMS)
355
00:20:25,360 --> 00:20:28,239
What's happening? Where am I?
This isn't Lytham St Annes!
356
00:20:28,360 --> 00:20:31,079
He's lost his memory
from the bash on the head.
357
00:20:31,200 --> 00:20:32,599
I've seen this happen before.
358
00:20:32,720 --> 00:20:35,838
Oh, yes. A friend of ours, gay Derek,
359
00:20:35,960 --> 00:20:38,952
once got concussed
by the buckle of a leather harness.
360
00:20:39,080 --> 00:20:41,469
That's right. Didn't know
his own name for over a month.
361
00:20:41,600 --> 00:20:44,240
And then, in a freak accident
during an advanced step class,
362
00:20:44,360 --> 00:20:46,670
he managed to kick himself
in his own head.
363
00:20:46,800 --> 00:20:49,519
Memory came back, just like that.
364
00:20:49,640 --> 00:20:51,517
Mel, come and sit down for a minute.
365
00:20:51,640 --> 00:20:52,710
(ALL EXCLAIMING)
366
00:20:52,840 --> 00:20:54,114
JANICE: Jesus!
367
00:20:56,760 --> 00:20:58,080
MICHAEL: Dad!
368
00:20:58,200 --> 00:21:00,032
Jesus Christ!
369
00:21:00,160 --> 00:21:02,993
What do you think you're playing at?
370
00:21:03,120 --> 00:21:05,270
I was trying to get his memory back!
371
00:21:05,400 --> 00:21:06,629
(MADGE CRYING)
372
00:21:09,760 --> 00:21:12,991
Lock him up
and throw away the bloody key.
373
00:21:13,120 --> 00:21:16,511
What are you doing?
I was trying to help him!
374
00:21:16,640 --> 00:21:18,392
We're the only family he's got.
375
00:21:22,920 --> 00:21:24,831
Sorry, I didn't mean to cause a scene.
376
00:21:25,160 --> 00:21:27,549
Get that little shit away from my wife!
377
00:21:27,680 --> 00:21:30,194
Janice! Janice!
378
00:21:31,880 --> 00:21:35,077
Janice, I love you!
379
00:21:36,480 --> 00:21:37,879
Janice!
380
00:21:38,000 --> 00:21:40,992
MADGE: I'll get you! I will!
381
00:21:41,120 --> 00:21:43,680
(SOBBING)
382
00:21:44,600 --> 00:21:47,638
Oh, I do love a good wedding.
383
00:21:50,640 --> 00:21:53,598
# Down in the land of the Rlo Grande
384
00:21:53,720 --> 00:21:57,554
# When people are married,
they always have a dance
385
00:21:58,400 --> 00:22:01,597
# The music is grand, to a samba band
386
00:22:01,720 --> 00:22:05,634
# And people are carried away
with such romance
387
00:22:05,760 --> 00:22:09,515
# Ole, ole, the wedding samba
388
00:22:09,640 --> 00:22:13,520
# Will bring
a timid señorita to her feet
389
00:22:13,640 --> 00:22:16,871
# And when they play the wedding samba #
29840
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