Original subtitles

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(THUNDERCLAP)

Oh, you didn't go.

I knew you wouldn't.

No point spending money on another flight

when we've only got a few days left.

My flight has been cancelled.

Has it? Why's that?

(THUNDERCLAP)

Why do you think? I don't know.

Oh, it's not that volcano in Lapland, is it?

You'd think this bit of rain would put it out.

Bit of rain? It's just a shower.

Me and your father had worse weather than this on holiday.

Bridlington, 1958.

Do you know, he got struck by lightning

four times that week.

I blame that metal plate in his head.

Do you remember? Jeff used to stick fridge magnets on him

when he were asleep.

(CHUCKLES)

Right. Shall we have some breakfast?

(HUBBUB)

Two pairs of carpet slippers completely ruined.

Who brings carpet slippers on holiday?

You're on holiday in Benidorm, not the Orient Express.

I beg your pardon? And my £120 hairdryer is completely knackered.

Yeah? Don't think we haven't heard about you running your illegal hair salon from your room.

You're lucky we're not charging you business rates. Brilliant(!)

Excuse me. Our apartment is totally flooded.

Yes, I know. We are all sitting in the same boat.

But it's not a boat, that's my point.

We've got untold bits and bobs floating down the corridors.

I'm worried about kiddies picking them up,

because some of them are of, well, shall we say, a personal nature.

I've been wading through water all morning. My plaster's gone soggy.

I've got a caseful of clothes ruined. What are you going to do?

One at a time. We'll get nowhere if everybody talks at once.

We're all gonna die! We're all gonna die!

It's a terrorist attack! We're all gonna die!

That's a little excessive. (LIGHTNING CRACKLES)

(GASPS OF SHOCK) MAN: You see? She's right.

Oh, you think so? You've obviously not thought things through.

A rainstorm, in Spain, in the middle of summer.

It was 28 degrees yesterday.

Oh, no, you just listen to me. There are dark forces at work.

By the end of today, this place will be a pile of rubble.

It'll be like 7/11 all over again.

(LIGHTNING CRACKLES)

It's not a terrorist attack. It's a bloody thunderstorm.

Oh, don't try and cover it up. I know all about conspiracy theories.

I once met Mohamed Al Fayed in a lift.

Can I have your attention, please?

Ladies and gentlemen, will you please calm down

for just one minute? (HUBBUB)

Shut up!

Thank you, Janey. Now, if you'd all like to make your way

down to the Hawaiian function room,

all complaints will be handled there.

No weather-related complaints will be taken at reception.

We also have some exclusive top-class entertainment

planned for you this lunch time.

Again, down in the Hawaiian function room.

You what? There will also be speciality cocktails

and star-prize bingo

where the full-house prize will be a brand-new laptop.

(MURMURS OF APPROVAL) You what?!

So, if you'd just like to follow Mateo and myself,

we'll get you all sorted.

Cocktails. Who wants cocktails? It's half past ten in the morning.

Not being funny, but would you speak for yourself?

Come on, everybody, follow me. This way.

Oh, yeah. And where's this laptop coming from?

Not to mention the exclusive, top-class entertainment.

Don't worry. Just leave it to me. I know what I'm doing.

Yeah. Well, you'd better.

Cor. Janey, what the hell have you done with this weather?

It's the middle of August.

Hello, Johnny. I didn't know you were in town. Well, you know me.

Mwah. Mwah.

Always like to keep a low profile. Yeah, right(!)

We're refurbishing a new place across town,

but there's no power because of the storm. Don't.

We had to unplug all the mobility scooters.

People are staggering round who haven't walked since the '80s.

(GIGGLES) Got time for a coffee? Course I have.

Excuse me. What's being done about all this flooding?

I'm all for water features but not coming out of a lift.

All complaints are being handled by our fully trained crisis team

in the Hawaiian function room. Under the stairs, end of the corridor.

It's not a crisis team you need, it's a bloody pump.

Janice.

Sorry, love, do I know you?

Johnny Neptune. I mean, Nelson.

Johnny Nelson.

Oh, my God.

How are you? Bloody hell.

You don't look any different. I mean, that is a lie.

You look better, if...if that's possible.

Are you all right, love? Sorry, love.

Where did you say the pump was? I mean, the Hawaiian crisis team.

I mean - Under the stairs, the end of the corridor.

Under the stairs. End of the corridor.

Why are you upset, Mam? Come on, let's go.

Who's that?

That is the only woman I've ever asked to marry me.

And she said no. Christ.

Talk about a lucky escape. Are we going to have that coffee, then?

Do you mind if we grab it a bit later?

Yeah, no problem. (PHONE RINGS) I'm not going anywhere today.

HMS Titanic. Can I help you?

(THUNDERCLAP)

Yeah, I'll be with you in two minutes.

Right, son, listen. Oi.

All you've got to do is make a note of which rooms are flooded,

write 'em down

and then radio housekeeping.

I'm off to pull in a favour, to get some entertainment on the go.

Oh, Dad. Yes, son. Can you...tune it in for me?

It doesn't need tuning in. But there's no display.

How will I know which station is Radio Housekeeping?

No, son. You press this button here,

it goes straight through to housekeeping

and you tell them which rooms are flooded. OK?

Oh, yeah. Cool.

I'm going to text my mates. I've never been on the radio before.

424.

Where's my nana? I don't know, son.

Where's my dad? You know where he is. He went looking for more towels.

What? I said he went looking for towels.

Thanks for telling me about the Hawaiian bunker(!)

Where's Madge Bin Laden? I don't know.

Are you all right? You look like you've seen a ghost.

I'm fine. Can you get in that queue and tell them about the apartment?

(SIGHS) OK.

Are you sure you're all right? Yeah.

I just need a bit of fresh air.

Michael, save this table and get another chair for your nana.

Michael! All right.

Don't forget your brolly.

Here you are, you sit there.

Gavin'll let them know about our apartments.

No point in all of us queuing up. You're a good lad.

Now, how are you feeling? Gavin's been dead worried about you

since you had your accident in the pool. Well...yes.

There have been developments.

But both Donald and I have agreed

we don't want to talk about them with other people.

No, course you don't. We're all on holiday.

You don't want to bring people down with stories of hospitals and illnesses.

I've got three months to live.

Well, that didn't take long.

I wonder what entertainment they've got lined up.

Oh, come on, cheer up. It's only a bit of rain.

We could all be dead this time next week.

Some more likely than others.

I'm sorry?

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Hiya. Hiya.

Can I have one of these chairs?

Yeah. Thanks.

Er, my name's Michael.

What's your name? Paige.

Paige?

Like in a book? Yeah.

OK. Bye.

Bye.

Have you got a spare one of those? Sorry, sweetheart, it's my last one.

No worries.

Here you go.

Jesus. You scared me.

I'm all right. You just said you wanted one.

I'm fine, thank you.

You grew up. Course I grew up.

What a...stupid thing to say.

How are you, Janice?

Great. Really good, thanks.

On holiday with my family. My husband and my family.

Listen, am I upsetting you?

No, you're not upsetting me. I...

Johnny, the last time I saw you I was a girl.

A 17-year-old girl.

You know...it's just weird seeing you after all this time.

All of a sudden I'm back there. It's 198...

4. 1984.

And - It's the end of the summer and I ask you to marry me and you say no.

And you break my heart.

We've both had long enough to get over it.

Well, I'd better get off, back to work.

I'm back to the UK tomorrow.

How's your mum?

What a strange thing to ask. You never met her.

I know, but I knew all about her.

Which is probably why I never met her.

My mother's in her 70s.

I just want her to come home, but she's determined to stay out here.

She says she wants to run another business out here.

She said, 'That Bruce Forsyth is still working. He's in his 90s.'

I told her, 'No, he can't be. He's still got all his own hair.'

Sorry, I'm waffling.

Why did you say no, Janice? Cos I'm sure he's nowhere near 90.

We saw him on the telly the other week.

He sang Mr Bojangles and did the splits at the end.

Why did you say no when I asked you to marry me?

What? You think if I'd said yes we'd still be living happily ever after?

I went to the cinema on my own. You what?

The last time we were supposed to meet, when you didn't turn up.

Against All Odds.

Quite apt, really.

Johnny - MAN: Mind your backs now.

You were going to say something.

Take care of yourself.

Yeah.

This is just about the worst holiday I've ever had.

I mean, it's been crap up until now but at least the sun was shining.

How's your leg? Oh, I'm not sure, let me check.

Oh, yeah, still broken.

I was only asking.

Hola. Hurricane cocktails for very thirsty people.

Hey, are you all right?

I'm fine.

But you are OK? Yeah, I'm fine, thank you.

Am I supposed to know what all this means? (GULPS)

That's vile. I'm going to get a coffee.

Do you want one? Yeah, thanks.

I was saying don't mention about last night.

Last night? In the shower cubicle next to t'pool.

What are you talking about? We were both really drunk, it was dark.

I ripped your vest.

Look, all I'm saying is don't tell Nat we had sex

cos she still has feelings for you.

Natalie still has feelings for me? Well, I think so.

Which is why it makes this just a little bit awkward.

OK. Thank you for telling me.

Oh, by the way,

I did not have sex last night.

And certainly not in the shower cubicle by the pool. Mm-mm.

There you go.

Are you all right? I think I'm going to be sick.

(THUNDERCLAP)

Dad, what's going on? This is Spain. When's it going to stop?

I've never seen owt like it. I'm no Michael Fish,

but even I know it shouldn't be hot one day and pissing buckets the next.

I've told you. It's a conspiracy.

What's that mean?

It means it's not long before the men in white coats arrive

and put your nana in a yellow van with square wheels.

Special hurricane cocktails.

And one there. There's someone sitting there, as well.

I don't want one. I'm not drinking today.

You're all right, leave it there. She might have it later. I won't.

I've said I'm not drinking today.

Put it down!

She might change her mind. No, I won't.

Dad, they're free.

If you want another one, you can just go and get one.

MAN: Testing - one, two, one, two.

Ugh, that is vile.

So you don't want this one?

No, you're all right. Leave it there.

Well, they're free, aren't they?

Hiya. Are we all all right?

Yeah. Where have you been?

To the loo, is that all right? As long as you don't let it happen again.

What's that you're drinking? Cocktails.

Bloody hell, that's rough.

Michael, go and get us a cup of tea.

Mam, do you want anything? Oh, yeah, lovely. A cup of tea.

Get me and your nana a cup of tea. Mick?

Aye, go on. Tea, two sugars. I'll have it as a chaser after my cocktail.

Three cups of tea, Michael. Put a brandy in mine.

I thought you weren't drinking. It doesn't count in tea.

I'll remind you of that when you're singing after your ninth cup of tea.

# Stand By Your Man

Are you all right? Yeah.

# Sometimes it's hard

# To be a woman

# Giving all your love

# To just one man

# You'll have bad times

# And he'll have good times

# Doing things that you don't

# Understand...

Not a bad voice.

She's got a look of that barman you see every now and again.

You know, the little bald fella?

Same lived-in face.

They might be related.

Is this honestly - honestly - your idea of a good time?

Course it is.

Rain belting down outside.

Everybody pulling together, making their own entertainment.

Look, you've got dominoes on the go.

I daresay someone might get up and do a bit of karaoke.

It's got a lovely wartime feel about it.

Anyway, we're the lucky ones. Some people are being flooded out.

Two beautiful cocktails for two beautiful women.

Not for us, thank you, darling.

Three. Oh, these are special cocktails.

Only one per - Three. Here.

# ..and show the world you love him

# Keep giving all the love you can...

No, Pauline.

No.

You've done so well.

Now listen to me. Listen to me.

What did Dr Noble say?

One more drink and that liver of yours

will burst like an overfilled icing bag.

I'm 42.

Single.

Twice divorced.

Financially and morally bankrupt.

On holiday with my mother in Benidorm

in the driving, pissing rain.

I have one rabid cat which cannot be released from Customs,

and I am absolutely caked in thrush.

And you tell me I don't deserve a drink? Come on, Pauline.

Think about what you're doing.

Remember when you met Roy Castle, when you were 12,

and he asked you what you wanted to be when you grew up?

And you said a rodeo clown.

Remember what he said to you?

You can be anything you want to be.

You don't want to be this.

For the love of Roy...

..put the drink...down.

# Dedication

# Uh-huh

# Dedication

# Dedication is what you need

# If you want to be the best

# And you want to beat the re-e-est

# Dedication's what you need...

# If you want to be a record breaker

# Oh-oh-oh

(DEEP VOICE) # Oh-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh

# Yeah! #

# ..and show the world you love him

# Keep giving all the love you can... #

(GULPS AND GASPS)

Oh, Pauline.

What are we going to do with you?

# ..m-a-a-a-an #

(SPORADIC APPLAUSE)

Three teas, please, and my nana said can you whack a brandy in hers.

Wait your turn. Ssh.

I saw you earlier on.

Did you? Yes.

You were making eyes at that girly.

She's through there, isn't she? I don't think she...erm...

Don't think she what? Come on, spit it out.

I don't think she likes me. Oh, bollocks.

You want a beer? Erm...

Two pints of your strongest lager. And one for the boy, as well.

Sorry. Excuse me.

No?

Let me give you some advice, sonny.

What you have to do is just go in there...

and lay your cards on the table.

None of this playing hard to get and being cool.

A woman likes to know where she stands.

Flattery, that's what you need.

That's being nice to someone, in't it? Mm!

Mmm!

Don't be nice.

Nice doesn't come anywhere close.

You're dealing with a woman here.

You've got to make her feel as though

she's the most beautiful creature

that ever drew breath.

Tell her.

We like to be treated like ladies.

Made to feel special.

Human.

Try it. You'll be surprised at the results.

What the bloody hell's going on here?

You look real nice today, Mam. Oh, Jesus.

Is he pissed? (It wasn't me. Her.)

Come on.

Michael.

Keep 'em coming, Jose.

.

.

(THUNDERCLAP)

# You can tell the world you never was my girl

# You can burn my clothes when I'm gone

# Oh, you can tell your friends just what a fool I've been

# And laugh and joke about me on the phone...

You have three months to live?

I'm sorry, I can't quite get my head around this.

Well, I don't want to go too much into detail.

Of course not. But, yes, it's an hereditary problem that runs in the family.

My father died when he was 51.

I'm not far off that myself.

Well, yes, none of us are getting any...

..younger. It's going to be a difficult time ahead.

Somehow Jacqueline seems to be coping so far.

(WHOOPING) Yoo-hoo!

Yes, I can see that.

You know, when Sammy Davis Jr

was told he only had a few months to live

he said, 'I must have packed several lifetimes

into the last 60 years.'

I feel very much the same. Except you're still in your late 40s.

It's interesting. Sammy Davis and I seem to have led parallel lives.

Yes, to look at you, you could have been brothers.

Both natural performers.

Both suffered at the hands of mindless racism.

Both Jewish.

I very nearly had my eye poked out last year

at the Middlesbrough Swingers' Association summer fetish ball.

I didn't know you were Jewish. Oh, yes. Before I met Jacqueline, I went out with Deena,

a lovely Jewish girl from the Gorbals.

Her father wouldn't let us get engaged until I converted.

Didn't work out in the end.

But it was only the other week...

I realised I forgot to convert back.

Still, I don't suppose Jacqueline will worry too much.

She's very broadminded. Hm.

(WHISTLING)

Thank you, thank you.

Ladies and gentlemen, I'd like you to take your seats.

Liam will be coming round wi' your cards and your dabbers

for today's big-prize bingo.

Ugh. God...

Four of you? Don't give me one.

I can't be arsed with that. Give it here.

I used to do six books at a time in the '70s,

still keeping an eye on half a dozen kids and a husband with a wandering eye.

Do you want to do mine, Nana? Yeah, pass it over.

I thought you wanted to win the laptop. I'm not bothered.

I'm off to play on the machines.

Dad, is it OK for me to spend a few euros on the machines?

Course it is. You're on holiday.

What, you want me to give it to you?

What happened to that money you've been saving up all year?

I gave it to my nana. Bloody hell.

(SIGHS)

Michael, here you are.

I want the change. Thanks, Mam.

Unbelievable. He'll get it back.

I'm doing him a favour. He'll have only wasted it on sweets and rubbish.

As opposed to investing it in 200 Benson & Hedges and a new frock?

You can give it him back tonight.

Take it out of that three grand - with interest.

That money is for my future.

Anyway, if you keep your trap shut for five minutes,

I'm about to win him a twintop computer.

LESLEY: OK, ladies and gentlemen. Eyes down.

It won't be like this for the rest of the week, will it? The weather?

I bloody hope not.

We've had over a dozen apartments completely wrecked already.

We're going to have to transfer some of the people over to another hotel.

Really? Yeah. And if they think the food's crap here,

wait till they go up to the Hotel Taurino.

Their chef got taught to cook in prison.

I tell you, I wouldn't exactly like to queue up to taste HIS prawn ring.

Eugh. How's it going with Liam?

You what? Les's son.

Seems a nice kid.

I say nice. He's the kind of lad

we used to send out to the shops for a tin of tartan paint.

I'm not going out with anyone. I'm single.

Single? Nice-looking lass like you.

You should have a boyfriend.

Well, I used to go out with one of the barmen here. Mateo.

I think he's playing it cool. Mateo, playing it cool?

More like he can't remember you. Well, we were kind of serious.

He asked me to marry him. Yeah. You and all the others.

Yes, darling? Can I have an orange juice, please? Course you can, sweetheart.

Excuse me, is this seat taken?

No.

You look really nice. Do I?

Yeah. I like your hair.

It's really nice. Actually...not nice.

Beautiful. Really beautiful.

Would you like a drink, darling? A coke, please, and whatever the lady's having.

The lady? Ooh.

I think she's got a drink.

Oh, yeah.

I'd better go back. Are you going to Neptune's tonight?

Yeah.

Can I meet you there? Yeah.

OK. See you tonight. See you tonight.

Michael. Yeah?

I like your T-shirt.

There you go, love. One coke.

She remembered my name. Aw.

More than they usually do for me.

Two little ducks - the number two.

Er, no, that's one duck, isn't it? Sorry. Just one duck that time.

Maggie's den - number ten.

Maggie's den? When was the last time he called bingo? Will you shut up?

Key of the door - 34.

Key of the door is 21. This is rubbish!

Mick, be quiet. Since when did you turn into a bingo expert?

Shut up! All the elevens...

Sorry, I mean eleven.

Oh, he's taking the piss now. BOTH: Shut up!

Four and nine, the Brighton line - 49.

Ooh! Ooh, I only need seven to win.

What, seven numbers? No, number seven, you idiot.

All right, calm down. Eight and three - eighty...

Oh, hang on a minute, we're only supposed to go up to 50.

So scrap that last one. Pull it, pull it, pull it!

And your next number out is - on its own, number six.

House! House!

I've won! I've won!

I've won. It's me. I've won!

(MIC FEEDBACK) Fuck the lot of you.

Stick it up your arses.

Your grey, flabby, lifeless arses.

Look at you. Look at you.

All sitting there,

desperate to get your clammy paws on the prize.

Aching to get something for nothing.

Your blubbery, sweaty, vomitous faces.

Grey and bloated from an odious diet

of takeaway food and reality TV.

Well, not this time.

I'm the winner.

And you're all losers.

You'll never do anything with your lives.

No pride. No ambition.

I hope you all die of sha-

Yes, ladies and gentlemen, we have a winner.

Well done. We'll give you your prize in Neptune's tonight. Hit it, boys.

(MATEO MUTTERS)

# Man! I Feel Like A Woman

# Let's go, girls

# I'm going out tonight

# I'm feeling all right

# I'm gonna let it all hang out

# The best thing about being a woman

# Is the prerogative to have a little fun and...

# Oh-oh-oh, I'm totally crazy

# Forget I'm a lady

# Men's shirts, short skirts

# Oh-oh-oh, I wanna be free, yeah

# To feel the way I feel

# Man, I feel like a woman... #

(THUNDERCLAP)

# Don't tell me not to leave just sit and putter

# Life's candy and the sun's a ball of butter

# Who told you you're allowed to rain on my parade?

# I wanna march my band out

# I'll beat my drum...

Another One Bites The Dust?

Not bad. How about this one? Blue Oyster Cult - Don't Fear The Reaper.

I've never heard of it. Good title, though.

Hello. We don't want to disturb you but we want to say we hope you're feeling OK.

Sit down, boys. We don't want to intrude,

you know, with you not having much time left. Nonsense. Sit down.

We were just looking at songs for Donald's funeral.

Ooh, what about this one?

Going Underground by The Jam.

Not bad, but weren't we considering a cremation?

Disco Inferno by Tina Turner. 'Burn, baby, burn.'

Too obvious. Pardon me for breathing.

What would you have at your funeral, Gavin?

I - Ding Dong The Witch Is Dead.

I would have Gone Too Soon by Michael Jackson. Beautiful song.

What if you lived to be 90? Very doubtful.

(SNIGGERS) None taken.

Here we are. I think I've got it. Go on.

Well, you know you said there was no point getting a second opinion

because this form of cancer's never been successfully treated? Yes.

The Verve -

The Drugs Don't Work.

Perfect.

I know the concept of work is still slightly alien to you,

but the idea is when people have empty glasses in front of them

they're finished with them. I was having a power nap.

(MIMICS) I was having a power nap.

Who do you think you are - Geoff Capes? Who's he?

Don't change the subject. If this bar isn't covered in empty glasses in the next 30 seconds

you will be out of a job before you've even started.

Everything all right? Yeah, I'm OK.

Yeah? Doesn't sound like it.

You know Natalie. The lass you've been seeing a bit of, aye.

I think she's losing interest in me. Aw, sorry to hear that.

Still, there's plenty more fish in the sea.

So I'm going to ask her to marry me.

Oh, right.

I don't think that's such a good idea, son. Why not?

She'd make a great daughter-in-law. No, no. I don't mean that.

It's just... Well...

I think you should take things a bit slow, you know.

A holiday romance is one thing, but I think it's a bit soon to be thinking about marriage.

No, no. Fortune flavours the brave.

Does it now? Yeah.

Is that not a famous saying?

Not exactly. Right.

Cos it just came to me in a dream.

Son.

Good luck, son.

There'll be no luck involved, Dad.

Aye, that's what I'm afraid of.

# ..parade

# Hah! #

(WHOOPING AND CHEERING)

Shaun Foster Conley

with a Bobby Darin classic - Don't Rain On My Parade.

And don't forget - tomorrow it's '80s night.

We want to see big hair, naff jewellery...

..and fashion 30 years out of date.

Actually, most of you can come just as you are.

And now, before we move on to the karaoke,

a great '80s track from a very good friend of mine -

Mr Johnny Neptune.

(CHEERING)

# Against All Odds

Thank you very much, ladies and gentlemen.

Mam, is it all right if I go and sit at the bar?

# How can I just let you walk away

# Just let you leave without a trace?

# When I stand here taking every breath

# With you Mam.

# Ooh-ooh

# You're the only one

# Who really knew me at all

# How can you just walk away from me

# When all I can do is watch you leave...

Natalie, I need to ask you something.

What?

Outside.

Can't you just ask me here?

Out...side.

If there's going to be a fight, can I watch?

Make sure you get the first punch in, Nat. He'll go down like a sack of shit.

JOHNNY: # ..there's nothing left here to remind me

# Just the memory of your face

# Take a look at me now

# There's just an empty space...

What's tickled you? Have a look.

What the frig's up with you, misery guts? You're meant to be on holiday.

It's just a nice song. She's always been the same.

She'd cry if they guessed the house on Through The Keyhole. What's wrong with that?

There's nothing wrong with that.

It's what makes you beautiful and unique.

Makes you my wife.

Who, after all these years, I still love with a passion

and wouldn't change for the world.

Hey, come on.

Hey.

Come on.

Oh, that's all we need on this holiday -

her hitting the menopause like a bull at a gate.

Hey.

# ..memory of your face

# Now take a look at me now... #

.

.

(CHEERING)

Come on now, let's hear it for Mr Johnny Neptune.

(CHEERING)

He's about to hop off on a flight back to the UK.

Let's give him a good send-off.

(WHISTLING)

Liam, will this take long? You can leave a spoon standing up in that risotto as it is.

Oh, sorry, love.

Ooh, just lean... No, lean there for a...

Now try... Ooh.

Natalie...

Will you marry me? What?

Will you marry me? No.

Was that it?

Liam! Liam.

Are you OK? Yeah, I'm fine.

You know, I missed you.

You've hardly spoke to me since I've got here. I tried to give you space

but...it's hard for me.

Space? We saw each other every day for two weeks.

You told me you loved me. We spoke about marriage.

Then I went home and I never heard from you again.

Why didn't you call me?

I lost my phone. I tried to remember your mobile

but...I am no good with numbers.

You had my email address, my home address.

I am even worse with words.

I assumed you changed your number to get rid of me.

Get rid of you? Natalie, you were the best thing that ever happened to me.

I missed you so much.

If you can find it in your heart to forgive me...

..you know where I am.

(SPEAKS SPANISH)

# You Can't Hurry Love

Do you want a drink, love? Erm...no, I'm all right, thanks.

You know that girl with the blonde hair with the red bits in?

I don't think so. She's my age.

I was sat with her at the bar in reception this afternoon.

Oh, yeah, I know the one.

Has she been in here tonight? No. She won't be in here again.

They're one of the families that were flooded.

They've been put in another hotel.

Oh, right.

Where's the other hotel?

It's right over the other side of Benidorm.

You all right?

Yeah. Yeah, I'm fine, thanks.

I had a slice of your risotto. I hope you don't mind.

So what did he want?

Liam? Oh, he asked me to marry him.

You can't say we haven't had a laugh on this holiday.

(SNIGGERS)

Are you all right?

I think I'm in love.

What?

(APPLAUSE) Right.

Next karaoke cab off the rank - it's Donald...

..with a cheery little number called The Drugs Don't Work.

(CHEERING)

# The Drugs Don't Work

Hey, where have you been? I had a date.

You what? What kind of date?

A date with a girl. But she didn't turn up.

Bloody hell, you kept that one quiet.

I really thought she was the one.

She was perfect. Don't worry, son.

You'll know when the right one comes along.

Won't he, Jan?

(MOUTHS)

You what? I said he'll know when the right one comes along.

Absolutely.

# ..like a cat in a bag

# Waiting to drown

# This time I'm coming down...

I could have sworn you said the bingo prize was a laptop.

No, no.

Lap dog.

Well, what are we supposed to do with that?

We're going home in two days.

Aye, well, it's what you've won.

If you don't want it, I'll just take it back. Sorry about the confusion.

Hang on. My daughter's coming back.

She's the one that won the bingo.

# ..now the drugs don't work...

Pauline, this young lady says you've won a dog in the bingo.

A lap dog. Not a laptop.

Erm, your mam was just explaining

how it might be a bit tricky taking the dog home.

Erm...so if you just pass him back, we'll just leave it at that.

Er...I'm not sure about the policy of dogs here, either.

I suppose we just didn't really think it through, like, you know.

(LAUGHS AWKWARDLY)

So why don't I just take the dog back and -

Get your hands off my dog.

(CLEARS THROAT) Right.

I love you.

(GROWLS SOFTLY) Do you love me?

Say yes.

Where's Charlie?

Er, sorry?

Where's my dog? You said you'd be two minutes.

Erm...

I think we might have a...slight problem.

# ..now the drugs don't work

# They just make you worse

# But I know I'll see your face again...

Just give me the bloody dog back!

She's not your dog. She's my dog. She's called Liza.

What the flip's she on - Give me the dog!

Give her the dog back. We can't take it on the plane anyway.

There's been a mistake. Pass the dog to me. What are you doing?

Pass the dog to me. You get off my dog! Let go of my dog!

(THUD) (DOG YELPS)

# ..you leave my life I'm better off dead...

Is it too late to get the laptop?

(SCREAMS)

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