Original subtitles

Downloaded from YTS.MX

Official YIFY movies site: YTS.MX

♪ Heard that you were selling your piano and your car

♪ It feels so weird to not reach out and ask how you are

♪ Wonder if you're moving, or if money's just that tight

♪ These are the kinds of questions to which I've resigned my rights

- ♪ Ever since - Sorry, girls, do you mind...?

♪ I decided

♪ There were things that I needed... ♪

Honestly, you slayed it, babe.

- Want a tea? - I'm just going to shower and pass out.

- Fair. Love you, Boo. - Love you, too!

I've gone soft, sorry.

That was really fun.

- Bye. - See you.

Eugh! A human centipede.

- Actually, kind of queer. - Hmm. Yeah. Totes.

Imagine being the sound person on that film.

Like, "Hey, Tamara, can we just get you gurgling the shit in your mouth..."

Eugh!

What's this?

You keep forgetting to eat before your gigs.

Thank you, honey.

Girl, girl, girl. Come help me rescue this.

So, you excited to pretend that ready meals cure AIDS tonight?

I'm excited for the £900 they're paying me.

- Nine hundred? - Ooh, £900!

- That's right. - Get it, girl. Slay!

Listen, baby, I'm not saying you shouldn't do it, just, you know...

Feel free to euthanise me if someone comes at my face with a rainbow glitter pen.

You don't have to come.

Don't listen to them. Of course we're coming.

Free drinks, bitch!

We're not letting you get fed to the wolves like that, yeah?

Oh, God.

Please do that in front of the straights tonight!

OK, no. This is not my portion.

Oh, come on!

Ah, Holy Mother of Devastation!

Oh, Jesus!

OK, we want to get you on straight away for a song.

Then a meet-and-greet, then a little break,

and then some more numbers, OK?

Oh, and our catchphrase tonight, just in case you forget, is:

"Grab a fork and tuck in,

"cos everyone is welcome round this table."

OK?

You ready?

Yep.

♪ Release me

♪ Release my body

♪ I know it's wrong

♪ So, why am I with you now?

- ♪ I say release me - Roll, honey.

- Whoo! Whoo-hoo! - Happy Pride!

Work it, bitch! Ha-ha!

Oh, my God. Hysterical!

- Ha! You've got to see this one. - Let's have a look.

Oh, wonderful.

- Oh, my God... - Uh-huh, I think not. Fuck that.

- Princy, this is hell. - Baby girl, I know. What did you expect?

"Happy Pride!"

Look, the bag, 900 quid. That's why you're here.

- Who gives a shit what...? - Please tell me someone has a lighter.

Yeah, it's basically broken, but... see if you can work your magic.

You're a saint.

- Hey, Jonathan Brindle. - Really?

Max. AD Brother. We should celebrate later.

♪ Primadonna girl, yeah

♪ All I ever wanted was the world

♪ I can't help that I need it all

♪ The primadonna life, the rise and fall

♪ You say that I'm kinda difficult

- ♪ But it's always someone else's fault - Isn't that a bit much?

No, I think it's OK. I think it's just what they do.

- I said classy. - I think people will like it.

♪ Primadonna girl, would you do anything for me?

♪ Buy a big diamond ring for me? ♪

Er, OK. Lovely. That's enough for tonight.

Er, there's your payment. Thank you so much for coming.

- Thank you. - I think we've got a car...

- Oh, sorry. What are these? - They're your Fork Me! coupons. £900 worth.

You're kidding, right?

I know. It's probably gonna last you all year.

Fucking... Fuck me!

Hello.

Ladies and...

...gender queers.

Well, my name, erm... as I'm sure you don't know... is Layla!

Whoo!

And tonight...

Well, since Fork Me! are all about diversity...

...I thought I would use this Pride celebration

to reflect on just how much these ready meals have done

for me and my community.

Like when my sister Tasered me after discovering my rusty anal beads...

...it was my trusty Fork Me! noodle set that was there to heal all my wounds.

Honestly, thank you, guys, so much.

Or, erm...

Oh, when a white hen party harem refused to sit next to me on the train

because my studded handbag looked threatening,

it was my inclusive Fork Me! taco set

that stood by my side in the fight against everyday racism!

Enchiladas, baby!

You lost... misguided children.

Us queens might just seem like shiny surface candy to you.

But dig a little deeper...

...and you'll find some raw... queer... meat!

Give me my meat!

- Oh! - Oh, my God. This is deranged.

Give me my meat!

Give me my meat!

♪ Give me my meat!

♪ Give me my meat!

♪ Give me my meat! ♪

Mood.

- Oh, sorry. - Sorry. Oh, fucking hell, it's you.

- And it's you. - Max. That was, erm...

- A Satanic abomination? - No, no, no.

I was going to say that was... that was incredible.

Although you might've just lost us a major client.

It's my company that does all the marketing, so...

Oh, shit. I'm sorry. Honestly, I don't know what came over me.

Don't worry. They're just ready meals.

Should I run before they come for my head, or...?

No, I've got your back.

Not that you need protection or anything, you're like... wow!

- I've got to... go. - Yeah, yeah. Me, too.

Wait.

Erm...

There's a piece of beef in your hair.

Yes, it's... it's good.

- It's all good. - Great.

- OK... - Yeah.

- Go. - Yeah.

Are you going somewhere way more fun? Yeah?

- Yeah. - Yeah.

I'm just gonna channel my inner Titanic.

Erm...

You wanna go to a real party?

- You... you mean right now? - Yeah.

Or you could stay at this thrilling rave, I mean... it's up to you.

Ah Fuck. I said to my boss that I'd see this out, so... I can't.

That's a shame.

Yeah.

See ya!

See ya.

- Right, time to skin you, bitch! - There's literally an udon noodle up my hole.

- Move, man! - It's giving Layla Bolognese!

- Oh, it actually listened to me. - Ah, you're gonna be looking good.

Is she ready?

Is that party invite still going?

Hell, yeah!

You are just in time for the best part.

This is where you get to see behind the curtain.

Enter Mr Darcy.

Wow, that's... What a production.

- Somebody's laying pipe tonight. - Eugh!

- Come on, sit down. - Yes... yeah... Hello.

- Hi. - Hi.

- What do you think of this? - It's unreal, babe.

Yes, honey, this eats, but this devours!

So, we're going to a sort of, like an alien-themed party.

- Oh, yeah? - Hmm...

- And you couldn't look more human. - Mm-hmm.

- I thought that was a good thing. - Ooh!

- It's giving very corporate realness, honey. - Here.

- Perfect. Do you mind? - What? Stabbing me?

- No, I'd never. - I can do it, if you like.

- I mean... I am an expert. - No, it's OK. I got it, boo.

You don't mind, do you? I'll just make a small incision.

- OK. Where? - You don't need any general anaesthetic.

Just here. Where you get your normal jabs, OK?

♪ When I dance, I prance with joy

♪ I'm not thinking about you, boy, it's useless all that energy

♪ Going straight to you, coming out of me

♪ I want the cars, the cash, the clothes, the finer things

♪ Pretty girls love weed and diamond rings

♪ Caviar couture, head out to the floor... ♪

- Do you want a goodie? - Yes, please!

- Hey, bitch! - Boo-boo!

Oh, my God! Hey, bitch!

Mwah-mwah!

- How are you? - I'm good. How are you?

I'm good. Nice to see... Ooh! Ooh!

- Who's your milk trade? - Oh, this right here is Max...

Mercury!

And this bitch has her own orbit! How do you know each other?

Well, me and M... Mercury, we go way back.

Yeah, no, he's, erm... he's a performance artist.

Yeah, yeah. I'm, er...

I use, like, banana skins,

and, like... other fruit peels like in excessive orgies.

It's critiquing consumption.

- OK. Er... work! - Yeah!

In a bit.

- Tell her about it, Neptune. - It's an animation.

It's a love story, really, between, er... a table and a chair.

- It's devastating. - Wow!

You've got to tell me if the chair's a top or a bottom.

Well, it's a table top, so the table tops.

- Yeah? - He's great.

- I'm great. - Hmm...

Can I take you somewhere special?

Welcome to Eden!

Wow.

Ooh, wow!

- Oh, yeah. - Yeah!

This...

Wow, this is an epic view.

Yeah.

Yeah, we can see all the way through to enemy lines.

You know I work near there?

Are you saying I'm your enemy?

Yes.

That's why I was forced to kidnap you tonight.

Glad you did.

Very glad you did.

Yeah?

This club, it's just...

It's amazing.

Yeah, I know. Feathers is...

...basically like an orphanage for us.

We're actually fighting to stop it from shutting down.

Can't believe I've never heard of it.

- She's a bit broken. - Yeah.

- Whoa... sorry. - What? No, no, it's fine.

- Yeah? - Yeah.

- Shit! - No, it's fine, it's fine. Yeah, yeah.

- It's just a zip on the left. - It's a zip?

- There's two. - Yeah, there's two.

Oh, fucking hell.

You're beautiful.

Really?

What time is it?

Hmm...

OK...

- Did you have fun last night? - Yeah. I guess.

Not as much fun as you, apparently. We missed you last night.

Oh. My. God.

- You're already fallen hard, haven't you? - No, I have not.

He was just...

- I never get with guys like that. - Why would you want to?

They only ever want the fantasy, not the reality.

Yeah, you're probably right.

Anyway, I'm pretty sure I'm never seeing him again.

Those binbags were practically leaking jizz. I can't.

Lovely.

It's a fucking hard knock life, I'm telling you.

I'm sorry, but she's not cooking tonight.

There's still probably some Fork Me! ready meal in my wig. We could just stir fry it.

Oh, God. What was I even thinking?

Girl, you were everything!

You have to revive that ready meal masturbation moment

for the Gay Shame party.

I lived! Lived.

- What's with the suitcase, boo? - I've got a gig.

- At ten in the morning? - Yeah. Drag brunch.

- Habibi! - Oh, one second, yeah?

OK.

Latif, my handsome son.

My beautiful mother. Hello, Dad.

How come you never come to see me anymore, huh?

Have you forgotten I exist?

It's nonstop travelling with work, I told you.

Business must be good, then, habibi?

Yeah, well, you know me... I'm doing my best.

- There's someone we want you to meet. - No, Mum, please. Not again.

You remember Sara, right? From Islam class when you were teenagers?

Hey, Sara.

- What's up? - Everything's good, alhamdulillah.

We'll leave you two to get acquainted.

Mum, no one in England actually says that.

- So, what have you been up to recently? - Oh, no, we don't need to do this.

My boyfriend's waiting in his car around the corner.

- He's white. - Oh, shit.

I've got some blow, if you want.

I mean, it's the only way to keep your eyes open through one of these.

Er, yes, please.

- Latif! - Sis!

You look beautiful!

You know, you're legally obliged to dance with me today.

Yalla! Come on, let's go!

Latif, wait!

Just relax. Of course I want you here.

- I never get to see you, Latif. - We live in different cities.

That's going to change soon.

Haydar's work has an office in London. I'm moving with him.

- Oh... - Don't look so enthralled.

- My love! - Hey.

How have I bagged me the hottest bride?

- Haydar, this is Latif, my brother. - Oh, my God! Well, finally!

- Come here, man! - Hey!

We're family now. And you work in the City, right?

I'm going to miss my train.

Latif? What?

Bye, Sis.

Congrats.

♪ Split me open

♪ I'm an animal

♪ Not broken

♪ Not whole

♪ Make a cut down there where the daylight dies

♪ Turn me inside out where the real me lies

♪ So I'll lose it at the discotheque

♪ And I'll do it for all of us

♪ You said yourself

♪ Just keep climbing up that hill

♪ I tell you what I love

♪ I love to see you dance

♪ I wanna feel free of dysphoria

♪ Climate grief

♪ Destruction of me

♪ I wanna go somewhere where it's just us

♪ And lift you up and watch you dance

♪ I wanna be freed of this burdened soul

♪ Wanna be alive

♪ Wanna feel the sunrise

♪ I wanna feel free of dysphoria

♪ Dysphoria

♪ Dysphoria

♪ It stops

♪ Every time you look at me

♪ You said

♪ Just keep climbing up that hill... ♪

- Bye, bitch! You ate! - You were great tonight.

Thanks, girlies!

Hey!

Hey...

Erm...

Oh, did you leave something in the club the other night?

Er... yeah. You.

Come on, time to go-go! Get out of my house!

Er... come on.

Hey...

I, erm... I haven't stopped thinking about you.

- Me? - Yeah.

- Excuse me. - Sorry.

That was a really amazing night.

Yeah, it was.

What?

Is that a coat or is that your tent for Glastonbury?

Oh, no, it's my protective cape, actually.

It makes me feel like a queer magician.

Can I try it on?

- Yeah! - Yeah?

Yeah.

Well, don't look.

- You need to be careful with this. - Oh, yeah.

OK, that's a look, for sure.

Oh, my God. I know what you mean.

I feel like I'm going to start... levitating, you know.

Oh, yeah... really feeling the force of gravity in this bad boy.

Yeah.

Have you got more fun stuff that I can try on at yours?

I've got whatever you want.

Take it off.

I'm surprised you came back.

Oh, yeah?

- Time for some B.B. - Excuse me?

- Breakfast in Bed, love, not Bare Back! - Oh, you're too much.

Wow.

- Hmm? - Mm-hmm...

So?

What?

What's my present for missing work today?

Erm...

Don't I deserve... a private show?

A private show?

Well, you said I could have whatever I wanted.

Whoa! Whoa, what's that?

Ah... erm...

Yeah, I used to dream about wearing these as a kid.

Only my sister was allowed. But, whatever...

So... have you ever worn it?

Erm...

I'm still... like, finding my way with it.

I bet you look gorgeous in it.

- OK. - Yeah?

Yeah!

- You've got to help me into it. - Ooh! OK.

- OK, it's a bit complex. - What do I need to do?

OK, one second. I'm going to slip in.

OK, white boy.

You're about to see some ancient shit.

Excuse you, sir!

- What? - Well, this is a religious tradition!

What?

- Oh, yeah? Excuse me...? - Mm-hmm... No, stop!

Why don't you just leave it on?

Nah!

No, just... leave it on.

So, has your sister never seen you in that?

Not really, no.

Is she...

...I don't know, is she kind of... against all that?

Yeah, kind of.

Yeah, well, she's missing out.

Cos you're pretty fucking spectacular.

To be honest, it's been hard.

She said she doesn't want to see me.

- Fuck. - Hmm...

- Layla... - Yeah, none of my family do.

Jesus.

I'm so sorry.

It's OK.

I guess that's the price to pay for being me.

You amaze me. Do you know that?

Really?

Amaze me.

- No, it doesn't matter. - What?

I want you to meet my friends properly.

- OK. - OK?

When?

- Er... tonight? - Tonight?

- Mm-hmm. - OK.

Layla! Hey! Where were you?

- Sorry. - You're late.

Hey, dude... you remember Max?

- Hey. - Yeah...

From the ready meal revolution. How can I forget?

You moan like you're being murdered when you're having sex.

Oh, sorry.

Yeah, it's my fault that he's so noisy.

- They. - Hmm?

Er... Oh, I... you didn't...

- No, I didn't realise. - It's fine. You didn't know.

- It's not a big deal. - Seriously?

No, it's fine. Well, don't worry about it.

So?

Oh, fuck. Oh, my goodness.

Princy, it's incredible. Honestly, I'm so proud of you.

Maybe you should take a look around first.

What does it say on his... their... body?

- Allahu Akbar. - Fuck.

- Yeah. - Wow, that's... that's really brave.

Put down the binoculars, man.

You know, my company are always looking for photographers

from all kinds of different backgrounds, so, you should give me your card.

I'm good. Thanks, though.

Yeah?

My folks are here.

So nice to see you!

Well done. I'm very proud of you.

Jesus, you're one stop away from eloping with this one.

It's different with him, Lucilla.

It's like, you know how most guys hate it when I'm like this?

- Yeah, but, girl, remember me and Dom? - Max loves me this way.

It's like I can be as big as possible with him.

You know you don't need his permission to be anything, right?

- Layla! - OK, wait two secs.

Well, fuck my drag.

That must've felt pretty cool.

What?

Just... just, you know, getting to show your art.

Wait, you're an artist?

Hmm...

Oh, so Mercury the performance artist didn't come from nowhere?

No, no, no.

I draw. A bit.

- That's it. I don't get paid for it or... - So?

- What? - Well, show me something.

No. Really?

No, that's... it's silly. It's not my job...

Yes! Please?

Come on.

There...

Jesus Christ, it's gorgeous.

- Who's this queen? - That's my mum.

When I was a teenager. She died when I was 15.

- Oh, I-I'm sorry. I didn't mean to... - It's OK. Long time ago.

Oh, wow!

Yeah, well, OK...

I was high when I thought that up.

You're crazy talented, Max.

- Really? - Yes!

I don't know. It's just...

- What's with the octopus? - OK. Well, er...

I'm kind of obsessed with octopi.

- Actually, I think it's octopuses. - No, I'm pretty sure it's octopi.

- Yeah, you're probably right. - Yeah, octopi, I love 'em.

- Octopi? - Yeah.

Why?

I don't know, they just... they seem so free.

Yeah.

And they're just fucking dickheads, as well.

What? How?

They way they mate is like the world's worst one-night stand.

I'm serious.

The male, without even engaging, he just inserts his penis,

and then, as soon as he's done, he just runs off.

A bastard, right?

Imagine you putting your entire arm into someone, without even looking at them.

Also known as being fisted in a dark room on a Sunday afternoon.

If I was an octopus, I'd run off in about ten seconds.

Blob-blob-blob...

Can I ask you something?

Well, you were just inside me, I think I can handle a question.

Erm... the whole "they" thing...

- That's your question? - No... Sorry, erm...

It's just...

I don't know, it feels... kind of impersonal.

OK.

Well, it's totally personal.

Yeah, like it... I don't know, helps you feel right.

What do you feel like?

Er...

Well, you know how an octopus is always, like, morphing?

You know, like, the way they change shape and colour and size...

...everything, they're like warrior shapeshifters, no?

- Yeah. - Yeah. Well, that's how I feel, like...

...something always in the in-between.

The in-between sounds kind of...

...chaotic.

Yeah, I know what you mean.

What I wouldn't give to be stationary sometimes.

But, like, it's the place with all the potential.

You know? Like...

...if you've made it out of there...

...then... you're already finished.

I mean, that's what Princy says.

So, I'm finished?

Or maybe you're just getting started.

- Can't miss work again? - Definitely not.

Yeah, I'll come and drop you off.

Ah... you don't need to do that, honestly.

No, no, it's fine. I need to get out of this dungeon anyway.

It's just... I've got to go soon, so...

Ready?

- So, this is you, eh? - Yeah. In there.

AD Brother?

Yeah, that's it.

- Have you got a busy day today? - Yeah, yeah...

Well, why don't I come over after, help you unwind?

I... I think I'm going to be working late.

OK. Well, let's just do something after you...

Look, I'll call you, and we'll, er...

I've really... I've got to head in.

- OK. - Yeah?

- I'll see you in a bit. - OK.

See you.

Oh! OK...

Oh! OK...

This game is transphobic.

Oh, girl, what is the tea for the Gay Shame party?

It's giving post-punk, Marie Antoinette vibes.

- Ooh! - You like it?

Do you know how much chiffon I had to steal from school for you?

That's what they call giving reparations.

Girlie? Get out of your phone and into the room.

- No, but I really like him. - Baby, I know you do.

But it's been a week. That ghosting fool is nothing but a... Horcrux!

- OK. - What?

JK What's-her-face? I thought we do not speak her name.

Exactly! He's a Horcrux, and you're a fucking icon!

- Yes, that part. - Look...

This weekend is going to be beyond epic. You're going to be beyond iconic.

And you won't even remember his basic fucking face!

- Right. - Mm-hmm.

- You're right, I'm a fucking star. - Hmm!

- And he's a fucking... - Horcrux!

No more Aryans treating me anything less than the queen I am.

Oh, finally she is risen!

- I'm gonna make us margaritas. - Yeah!

- Yes, please. Salt on the rim, baby! - Yes, honey.

- Do you want a closer look? - Yeah, I wanna see.

Wait, where's mine?

I barely recognise you.

Er, yeah, no, it's laundry day.

You look good.

Thanks.

Anyway, I was just, er... on my way to something nearby, so...

- Er, I'm just gonna head. - No, wait. Er...

You don't know how happy I am to see you right now.

I've missed you.

Really?

Uh... sorry I've not called.

I've been...

Do you want to do something?

- Now? - Yeah.

We could go and...

...explore London.

I've pretty much seen it.

Can I... can I take you to my favourite place?

Yeah, all right.

- It's not far. - OK.

I knew you'd like it here.

I love it.

- It's so Zen. - Isn't it?

It's kind of like an escape.

Yeah.

Do you think she knows she's trapped?

Aren't we all?

Hmm...

So... this is me.

Cosy!

- Hi! - Hello.

How did you sleep?

- Good. Very good. - What did you dream of?

I dreamt that Gordon Ramsay wanted to fuck me.

- Oh! - Yeah.

- OK. - Yeah. I said no.

What are you doing?

Just having a little bite, to know what it's like.

Oh, here he comes. Here he comes!

Hey, what are you doing for Pride tomorrow?

Oh!

Er... nothing that Pride-y.

OK. Well... me and some friends are doing the parade,

but you and I could meet up after, if you want?

- You want me to do Pride with you? - Yeah.

Oh, shit. I'd love to, but I think I'm gonna be busy, babe.

OK.

It's just a casual little thing with the gang at Feathers.

- It's a fundraiser for the club. - That sounds pretty Pride-y.

No, look, it really isn't your thing, trust me.

OK. Well... Hey, look, I...

I don't want you to think that...

I really love all that stuff.

I wanna be there, I wanna support you, I promise.

Well, fab. You should come.

Yeah, I'll... I'll be there.

Great!

Give it up, you stingy bitches!

The fate of Feathers rests in your hands!

Thanks. All donations welcome, girls!

Fuck.

- Hey! - Hey!

- You're here! - Casual? This is mega.

- Layla! - Oh, hey, boo!

Girl! Oh, you are gagging me. Like, literally, I'm choking!

You're fucking serving that look on a silver platter covered in fucking tempura!

Oh, thank, girlies.

Hi, guys. Happy Pride!

We ain't brought to you by Barclays Bank, bitch.

- Tonight's called Gay Shame. - Oh? Right, OK.

I'm Saturn. I'm er... a contortionist.

At the Cirque de Soleil...

Layla and I met at, er... a queer circus festival.

- Slay. - OK...

No, I'm kidding. I'm... We're... I'm kidding.

I'm Layla's boyfriend.

Bitch, you never said. Since when?

I've gotta go on stage. But I'll see you in a bit, yeah?

- Enjoy yourselves! - Oh, wait...

- Hey. Tequila, please. - Just the one?

♪ Don't you know your queen?

♪ Ripped

♪ Heaving

♪ Flower bloom at my feet

♪ Don't you know your queen?

♪ Cracked

♪ Peeling

♪ Riddled with disease

We love you, Layla!

♪ Don't you know me?

Yeah!

♪ No family is safe

♪ When I sashay

Yes! Layla!

- ♪ Hey... ♪ - Whoo! Killing it!

Whoo! Yeah!

Layla!

Yes! She's killing it!

Why did you invite the Horcrux?

No, I-I didn't. He just showed up.

Twat! I'll deal with it.

No, no, it's OK, it's OK. I've got it.

Princy, it's fine.

- Thank you, beautiful man! - Of course.

Hey! Hey, boo!

- Great set. - Thanks.

Go find another friend's boy to flirt with, Felix.

- No, Layla, I wasn't... - Just please leave.

- Hey! - Hey!

- That was amazing! - Thanks.

Hey, the vibe here's really weird!

I think we should, uh... Why don't we go somewhere else just me and you?

- I can't. - OK.

Look, let's dance. Come on!

No, Max, stop! Max!

Max, stop!

Oh, I'm sorry. Shit! If it's ruined, I'll get you a new one!

OK, dickhead! You need to go now, OK? They don't want you here.

Are you gonna say anything to her?

- You OK, babe? - Just go away, Princy.

Layla!

'Babe, last night was a mess.

'I'm making us fajitas tonight.

'You're gonna be in, right? We'd all really love to talk.'

'Bro, still haven't heard from you.

'Please come today. You can bring someone if you like.

- 'We'd really love to see you.' - 'Sorry, again, about last night.

'Never let me drink Tequila again.

'Call me back, OK?'

Thank you.

So, the other night was weird.

Hmm... yeah.

Hmm...

That wig is never seeing the light of day again.

Sorry.

It was kind of horrible.

It just felt like I... really didn't belong there, you know?

Do you think I'm boring?

Nah.

You're anything but boring.

God, you don't... you don't know how lucky you are.

To have a community like that, you know, a space... that's your own.

I don't think I have that.

I don't think I do either.

Look, I, er... I wanna show you something.

Oh, yeah?

It's beautiful.

Oh, my God! This is amazing! Thank you.

- Yeah... - Oh, thanks!

It's no problem, Octopi.

Do you want it? Yeah?

Do I hear a "Yes, ma'am"?

Yes. Yes, ma'am.

- You a good boy? - Yes, ma'am.

- Yeah? - Uh-huh.

Well, I've never done that before.

Yeah, me, neither.

It felt... amazing.

Ma'am.

Hmm... you're such an adventure.

So...

...I'm... basically your exotic holiday?

My dad and my sister are coming for dinner a week on Friday.

- Hmm... - I'd love for you to meet them.

Really?

Yeah.

You know I'm staying here for a while, right?

Yeah, I got that.

It just switched so quickly, you know.

- Did you not like it? - No, no, I did.

- Convincing! - No, no, it was great.

Hey, say what you mean, Layla.

No, no, it was cute.

OK, cute as in good or cute as in... what?

Well, cute as in...

What?

I don't know, whatever. I just find the whole, like...

You know, like, the whole, like, "Oh, no, I wanna hit you,"

"Oh, no, I wanna kiss you," "Oh, no, this is just..." like...

...a clunky metaphor for me-wrestling-with-my-sexuality motif.

- Uh-huh. - Agonisingly basic.

So, just cos I liked an objectively good film, I'm now basic?

What? No! I'm just saying I found the film a bit basic.

Like watching WASP-y gays pretending to act complicated isn't really my mood.

You know?

Don't you think you're being a bit snobbish?

What? No, I'm just telling you what I thought of the film...

Whilst making fun of me.

No, I wouldn't.

No, look, I've got a weird taste in films, OK?

My childhood was so fucked up that if a film doesn't include

at least one sado-masochistic murder,

I'm honestly not interested.

My favourite film is genuinely Saw V.

OK?

Well, don't take it personally.

- Really? - Can't believe we've never...

Are you OK?

Latif?

Hey.

You couldn't be bothered to pick up one of my calls?

Hi, I'm Fatima. I'm Latif's sister.

- Oh. This is your sister? - Yeah.

- You talk about me? - Sorry, I'm...

This is, er... Max. He's a work colleague. We were just at a work event.

Oh. Great.

Well, why don't you join us for dinner?

- Yeah, that'd be... - No, we can't.

We've got that big work meeting tomorrow.

You're not just gonna ditch me on the street!

- Latif! - I'm sorry.

Erm...

Ah...

So were you just pretending that she disowned you?

I wasn't pretending!

Look, you know what, it's just easier, OK?

It's just easier to keep things separate, than...

...than trying to make sense of living in the in-between of it all.

The in-between? I thought that was the place with all the potential.

You know what, just forget it. You wouldn't understand.

Understand what?

You know, maybe I would, if you stopped talking to me like I'm fucking stupid!

- This isn't about you, Max! - I know it's not!

No, no, look, my family's different from yours, OK?

Hmm...

Look, you have no idea how lucky you are.

Lucky?

My mum's dead, remember.

- Yeah? - Yeah.

Fuck, I'm sorry. OK, that's not what I meant.

- You know what I mean. - I'm not sure I've any idea what you mean.

Please, can we just stop talking about this?

Why didn't you tell me your name was Latif?

- Because it's not. - So, who are you, then?

- Are you still all right for tonight? - Can't wait to meet everyone.

If you want, you can borrow some of my things.

I don't mind.

OK.

Keys?

Erm... yeah, OK. See you later.

See you later!

Oh, God.

Eugh! Oh!

Oh, fuck!

Yep, that'll be ready by tomorrow.

OK. Thank you. Bye.

Sorry about that.

I'll try my best, love, but it might need a few goes.

OK. Whatever you can do to get it by the end of the day.

- I can pay extra, honestly... - There's no need, love.

- I'll make it a priority for you. - Thank you.

That's all right.

- So, I'll see you in a bit, yeah? - See you.

Thanks.

- Looks good, right? - Looks like a restaurant.

- You promise? - Yeah.

Yay, OK!

Good. Thank you.

They're gonna love you.

- Eek! - Salad!

Hey! Hi. How you doing?

Come in. It's about ready.

So, er... Dad, Becks, this is La... who I want you to meet.

I'm Alfred.

Nice to meet you. I'm Latif.

- And this is my daughter, Rebecca. - Hi, Rebecca.

Latif... cool name. Where's it from?

Surrey.

Oh. OK, I meant...

- Doesn't matter. - No, it's a Muslim name originally.

I'm from Palestine.

Well, Britain's all the better for having you here, my friend.

OK.

Er... drinks? Yes, let's... You want a drink?

- Yes, please. - Right, er... OK.

- What would you like, red or white? - Dad'll have red.

I can't believe you knew the whole time.

- You were supposed to be covering for me. - I was!

I had to stay up every Saturday so you could get through that window!

You guys thought I didn't hear that? You were pissed off your head, love.

But this one gave me no problems, though.

All he loved doing on a weekend was homework.

- That's not true! - Actually, it kind of is.

I still haven't figured out how you managed straight As,

what with your teenage alcoholism and all.

Hmm... do Max's artistic genes run in the family?

- Artistic? - Wait, do you still draw?

No, no, this man is crazy talented.

- He's a born artist. - That's not...

- When have you got time for that? - I haven't. It's a hobby.

And Max tells us you're a performer.

- Hmm... - A comedian, you said, Max.

- Did he? - Get us a VIP table one day?

What kind of material do you do?

Erm...

- Er, political stuff, I guess. - Mm-hmm...

- I mean, it depends on the crowd I get. - How funny...

You know I watchHave I Got News For You religiously?

OK. My stuff's a little bit...

Your glass is empty! I'm a bad host.

- Good? - Yes, perfect. Thank you.

- You still going to tennis? - Hmm, well...

Is it Wednesdays still?

'Feathers has been a true mother to us all, yeah?

'So come down and pay your respects to her one last time.'

They really liked you, I could tell.

Mm-hmm...

What? They did.

Oh, come on, Max.

You might as well have brought a cardboard-cutout for your date.

I wasn't there.

Just imagine if I'd turned up wearing like a...

...I don't know, like a turquoise tutu instead of this...hideous straight-jacket.

Hey, that's...

They really liked you. They did.

It's just these things take time, don't they?

Hmm...

Layla, I never introduce boys to my family.

- Stop calling me a boy, Max. - Sorry, I meant...

- This was a really big deal for me... - Yeah.

No, you're right, it was a big deal... for you.

Hey... are you pissed?

I just...

I thought that went really well, all things considering.

- All things considering? - Yeah.

As in...

No, it's fine. I'm not mad, erm...

I'm gonna go to Feathers.

- OK, I'll join you. - No, no, just please don't do that, OK?

- Honestly, not this time. - What?

Yeah, they're a bit square, but that doesn't mean that I don't love that side of you.

You know I do.

It's not just one side of me.

Jesus Christ, I'm so tired.

I'm so tired of...

...constantly feeling like I'm at a dressing-up party with you.

One day, you want me all glittery, and the next, you make me dress

like I'm basically at a fucking funeral for myself!

I'm exhausted, Max.

I don't make you do anything.

Yeah.

Yeah... you're right, it's me.

It's me. I'm doing it to me.

Doing what? What?

You're doing it to yourself, too.

Layla, Layla, listen.

I love you.

Hey, I love you. And I love you just as you are.

Yeah, which me? Huh?

- I can't... - What?

I can't, I can't do this.

I love you. I've never said that to anyone, so...

You can't... I can't just...

You know me better than anyone.

Layla, you and I, Octopi...

It's octopuses, Max.

Sorry.

I'm sorry.

Now this is just pure drag!

Wait for it, wait for it, wait for it... Pow!

Udon on the chest!

It'll stick on stone!

Devastation! Ha-ha!

- Oh, my nail! - Oh, no, where'd it go?

- A moment for the nail. - May she rest in peace.

- Bless the nail. - They! The nail is non-binary.

- May they rest in peace. - May they rest in peace!

- Hi. - Hi.

- Er... can I come in? - Yes, sorry, of course. Hi!

- That outfit... - No, no, please.

I don't want you to make this into anything massive, OK?

I was... about to say you look gorgeous.

That's all.

It's no big deal.

No big deal?

Do you remember what you did the first time I tried make-up on?

Well, I was a teenager.

I was scared for you.

Seriously, is... is that why you've been pretending I don't exist this whole time?

Do you how hard it's been dealing with Mama and Baba all by myself?

I know...

I just couldn't risk it, so...

But you've never even given me a chance.

You just...

...disappeared.

I'm sorry.

Really, I am. I'm sorry.

Me, too.

Well, I'm really glad you're here, Latif.

It's, er... Layla.

Layla.

- That outfit is beautiful. - Thank you.

- Thank you for coming, you'll love it. - I've not seen them do this before.

Hey, we got a lighting change.