Original subtitles

[ding]

The only reason hetero men don't want to try it

is because they're afraid they'll love it.

Mm-hmm, I agree. It's like a sexy gateway drug.

Speaking of sexy, I need someone

sexy and special to host the annual

Singles Sexy -N- Special Valentine's Day Extravaganza.

And you're it.

I would do it, but I have a popcorn kernel

stuck in my teeth that's literally consuming

- all of my attention. - Uh...

Thanks, the only other single, sexy, and special person

standing here besides me.

Make sure you're there, or I'll kill you

and your entire family. Thanks.

♪

- I can't believe him! - I have a family?

The most sexy and special event of the year

needs a sexy and special substitute.

The epitome of both is standing right in front of him,

and he asks regular and degular-ass you to be it?

My whole life, I believed I was never born into a family,

but rather made to be all alone.

You're right, I should accompany you to the party

and show them what sexy and special really looks like.

[gasps] They probably have so many stories and photos

that'll help me connect to my roots.

But if you're going to have me as a date,

we need to make some minor adjustments.

Ooh, I know! You just need...

To find them and protect them.

Some new pants. I was gonna say pants.

Oh, okay, I like pants.

[sinister laugh]

[door bell jingling]

Hey, this isn't the pants store.

Jamal Warren? Jamal Warren, Number 24?

- Twenty-four? - Jamal, it's me, baby.

I'm the mechanic who created you.

- Dad? - Hey!

- I guess you could say that! - So, you're who's responsible

for this mediocrity.

- Hey. - Don't mind her, Jamal.

That's what we call a projection.

Mm-hmm. We only see what we are.

Anything we can do to make him, I don't know,

- a little less mid? - Mid?

Wait, who you callin' mid?

Look at your hard drive. [chuckles]

I remember when this thing was empty.

- Really? - Of course.

I built you by hand, man.

Never thought I'd see you again after I sent you off

into the world, 'cause that's just what dads do.

That's what my dad did. He left me. It don't matter.

Okay, enough with the reunion. So, what are we thinking?

A new OS? A paint job?

- I brought swatches! - What is wrong with you, hm?

Everything, probably.

This guy is a classic. One of a kind.

Nothing about Jamal 24 needs changing.

In fact, letting him go after I created him

was one of the hardest things I ever had to do.

But I knew it'd just be plain selfish not to let him

out there into the world to thrive on his own.

And you, you're lucky he's even chosen you.

- You scum. - Your mama.

- Your mama. - Can you guys cut the shit?

I'm sorry, it's just that I'm having

a bit of an existential crisis here,

and I really need someone to explain what number 24 means.

I'll show you.

This is where it all went down.

I usually pride myself on all my creations being special.

No junkers, yada-yada-yada.

But once I created the 24th Jamal-- you--

I knew I had perfected the process.

Not the person, not even the project, but the process?

Just some connect the dots, color by numbers,

- purposeless piece of sh-- - Hey, hey, don't spiral.

You're not some tin can in a basement.

You're alive, boy, don't you feel it?

[imitating engine revving] Come on.

Let me show you the rest of your true home.

Not you. You stay here.

Don't touch a damn thing.

I know a thief when I see one. You don't know my past.

[computer] Welcome, creator of Jamal Warren,

Jamal Warren 2.0, Jamal...

Wait a minute. Who the hell are you?

Uh-uh, I'm not letting some stranger run my programs.

So, I'm the mechanic's friend, and he was like,

"Sunny, friend, please go make some Jamals, please!"

And I was like, "Are-- are you sure, bro?"

And he was like, "Yes!" And I was like, "Okay."

Oh, he did? Okay, bet.

♪

Now, let's see what changes he needs.

I got it, he needs to be filthy fucking rich

and super-duper obsessed with me.

[computer] Complete.

[announcer] The world's most shocking monster!

[woman screaming]

- [insect buzzing] - [tongue whipping]

[computer] Launching test simulation.

- [♪ saxophone music playing] - Abort mission, abort!

[saxophone music stops]

Oof! That was close.

[laughing] You're so funny, my queen.

[farting]

Why does he have to be so ugly?

[computer] Chill, greedy. I only have

so much processing power.

So, if you max out one attribute,

you're gonna have to sacrifice another.

I see the machine that made you had no such limitation.

[farting]

[sighs] There may be 23 other Jamals,

but there's only one Jamal 24.

And it took 23 efforts to land on this?

And whatever this is, can't even satisfy one woman.

What is you talking about? It's shaped like the letter J,

and it has 32 different settings.

- I wish I had that. - Oh, that part is A1.

Very grateful, no complaints. [chuckles]

I'm talking about every other part of me

that isn't particularly special.

The only reason I'm here is because Sunny agrees.

Yikes, saying that out loud is surprisingly sobering.

[bird squawks]

Jesus Christmas. That Sunny woman

really got you believing that without her,

you won't reach your potential. That's what women do.

They be like, "Without me, it ain't gonna happen

without me, you need me. You need me."

Oh, my God, yes!

Wow, that terrible impression you just did

while generalizing all women is making me feel

really, really douchey.

Hm, sounds like a good time for shit-talking your girl

over a game of ball. [clapping]

Hell yeah.

Mm-hmm, mm-hmm, mm-hmm, okay.

Now, I'm getting the hang of this thing.

Let's crack that physical attractiveness to 11.

That's fine, as long as he's not as dumb as Freak Jamal.

No offense, Freak Jamal.

[computer] Customization complete.

[♪ angelic music playing]

[♪ sultry music playing]

Uh, duh... happy birthday.

[computer] Launching test simulation.

Yo, where's the bed? Fine.

♪

Ahem. Is chivalry dead, or...

I didn't even know he was sick.

[sobbing]

- So young. - [alarm blaring]

[screaming]

That guy was a total waste of time.

We could do better than... [farting] than him.

Shut up. I'm trying to think.

Okay, so he was obviously too hot.

Let's keep him sexy, but maybe sacrifice

the eight-pack for intellect.

Ambition. Oh, a man of few words.

So, uh, do you have a big family?

Just the one chained up in my basement.

[laughing] Okay, homeowner.

Wait. You live alone, right?

It's just me and...

[voice deepens] ...mother.

Oh, I see what's happening here.

You like me because I remind you of your mama.

Look, I love that you're so close to her,

but I'm so tired of mama's boys.

All right, you got a little kink in you.

- [screaming] - Nope, abort!

[Sunny screaming]

Can you believe that motherfucker

was about to slit my throat?

You know my neck is my strongest feature.

You have the best neck. [giggling]

- [continues giggling] - All right.

No more games.

He needs to be laid back.

[scoffs] Loving your energy,

but do you want to-- you want to sit up?

[sighs] Nah, I'm chillin'.

Funny.

Waka-waka-waka!

- [grunting] - [horn honking]

Dark and mysterious.

♪ Sunny, Sunny, you know it's true ♪

♪ Sunny, Sunny, I'd die for you ♪

- Masculine and traditional! - [whip cracking]

- Yeehaw! - [horse whinnying]

Caught your ass, varmint!

[screaming]

[Jamals chattering]

- [oinking] - I'm here to win Sunny's heart,

but I don't think Magician Jamal is here for the right reasons.

Hey. [chuckles]

I don't know about anybody else, but I'm here

to do magic tricks. Alakazam!

- I don't understand. - [horn honking]

- ♪ Sunny, Sunny ♪ - I just want someone perfect.

Who wants me to be the best I can be,

- and who won't settle for less. - [Jamals clamoring]

Sentient computer lady, help me out.

[computer] Okay, uh... Optimization complete.

[Sunny] Oh, my God!

[chuckles]

You've got to be kidding me. [laughing]

I know, right?

You're perfect.

- You need some work. - No, I don't!

You're not sexy or special.

I'm literally the epitome of both.

Of what, regular and degular?

Sexy and special is what's standing right in front of you.

You, however, need some... [laughing]

- ...minor adjustments. - What?

Freak Jamal, stop him, you beast!

Sorry, master. I have a new master now.

[giggling]

Why, you backstabbing, just...

Ugly motherfucker!

[eagle crying]

So, you actually love that charming,

perfect-booty-having bitch, hm?

I do. I do!

And you know what else? She's not perfect or special.

As a matter of fact, the only reason I tolerate her

is because she tolerates me. So, the joke's on her.

Did I mention that a sexy trout threatened to kill me

and my family before I showed up here?

I don't even have a family, so the joke's on him, too.

[laughing]

Son, she's not capable of loving you

because she's walking chaos, with an ass I want to swim in.

I didn't mean to say that to you, 'cause I know

- it's your girl, but I'm drunk. - [sobbing]

Boy, are you crying? I know you ain't crying.

Her booty is so swimmable,

but she probably won't let me dive in it no more.

I never knew how to swim because you never taught me that.

Okay, this is getting out of hand,

and I'm about to throw hands.

All right, I know I made you sensitive,

but this right here is some old self-hating simp shit

that is beyond me, and not what us Warrens are about.

Come on, boy. Come on.

We need to make some much-needed tweaks to your esteem.

[overlapping chatter]

[chatter abruptly stops]

- [scattered cheers] - [overlapping greetings]

- Hello. - Get your ass off my machine.

This how y'all act when company come over?

[sobbing] They're insane.

All I was trying to do was make a version of you

that was unimpeachably sexy and special,

and worthy of being my plus-one.

And they all turned out terrible.

These guys aren't terrible. You are.

They're my family.

- Bros before hos. - You tell 'em, son.

But thank you for making all these awesome me's,

who in my opinion, are beyond worthy of being my plus--

two, four, nine, 12-- plus a lot.

Come on, brothers, let's go host this Valentine's Day banger.

Even you, Freak Jamal.

- [Jamals cheering] - [Sunny] What?

Wait! I didn't mean it.

What I meant to say is I was trying to just...

Really? This is how you ingrates

repay your maker?

Hey, Quiet Jamal.

I'll let you stab me with both knives.

Pumpkin Jamal, it's not too late

to cash in on that carve job I promised you.

[wailing] Oh, God!

Wow.

Was I the problem the whole time?

Instead of trying to change Jamal,

should I have been trying to change myself?

[sniffing]

[sighs] Damn, you smell good.

Well, well, well, what have we here?

You got so goddamn fine, girl.

[gasps] Is this the man

who talked profuse shit about me,

not because he actually believed I was scum,

but because in reality, I'm the unattainable woman

- of his dreams? - I want to have your babies.

That's what it is. Let's make 'em right now.

Wait, kiss me before I start kissing myself.

Uh-huh, yeah!

[growling] Kiss me.

Please, somebody kiss...

I've been here by myself too long.

♪