Original subtitles

Hey, hey, what's up, Junior?

Are you excited about the mother-son dance tonight?

I don't know.

Hey, come on, it's gonna be a blast.

You're gonna have a live DJ, snack bar,

plus your mom knows all the latest dance moves.

Look, now, I know it's your dance,

and I don't want to make this particular decision for you,

but your pop's got you a new outfit so you can be drippy.

What? For real?

Yeah, you hyped about it now, huh?

-Heck yeah. -I knew you would be.

Here, go try it on.

Thanks, Dad, but don't be saying drippy no more.

[Calvin] Whatever.

That outfit's drippy.

What's he so happy about?

Oh, I got him a little outfit

for his mother-son dance tonight.

Oh, that's so sweet, baby.

You are the best dad, you know that?

I try.

Hey, guys.

Sorry to, uh, just pop in, but your door was unlocked.

Mm-hmm. I'm sure it was.

-Um, Calvin, I text you. -Oh.

Oh, my phone must have been on silent. My bad.

Yeah, Christian said he forgot his goggles.

He thinks they're over here.

Oh, they're in the car. I'll go grab them.

Oh, thank you, thank you.

Really? Oh, you gotta be kidding me.

What happened?

Man, I just hyped up Junior

about how fun his dance is gonna be.

I got him a new outfit, and now he's all geeked.

Okay, so what's wrong with that?

-Tracy. -[Miranda] Oh...

She just texted me saying something popped up at work,

and now she can't take him.

[Both] I'll take him!

You both wanna take him?

Fantastic.

[music]

[water spraying]

[birds chirping]

[plane droning]

[alarm blaring]

[horn blowing]

[siren wailing]

[train horn blowing]

[siren wailing]

[helicopter whirring]

[firework whistling]

[music]

Look, this is an elementary school dance.

You guys aren't gonna make a thing out of this, are you?

A thing? No, it's not a thing. It's not a thing at all.

I just, I wanna take him.

And plus, he lives here with me, so.

You know what? You are absolutely right.

He does live here with you now.

However, I've just known him since he was itty-bitty, so...

OK, you both have valid points, OK?

But, uh, it's really not that serious.

You know what? It is not that serious. So, how about this?

Why don't we let Junior decide? Are you okay with that, Laura?

-Fine by me. -No, no, no, no.

I don't wanna put Junior in a position

where he feels like he has to choose between the two of you.

-OK. -All right.

Ooh! Hello, handsome.

Stop.

Buddy, I got some good news and I got some bad news.

The bad news is your mother, she just texted me.

She had something come up at work,

so she can't take you to the dance.

-Well, that's not fair. -Wait, wait, wait. Calm down.

It's all good,

because two subs just graciously offered to fill in and take you.

So, I decided that--

I get to pick between Miranda and Laura? Dope.

Well, I guess you could if you want to.

Like you said, it's my dance,

so you're not gonna decide for me.

-[Calvin] I did say that. -You said that.

All right, well, you all figure it out amongst yourselves

while I go get Christian's swim goggles.

Junior!

You know, Miranda and I both wanna take you to the dance.

And, uh, we're both mature adults.

We're grown-ups.

And we promise you that no matter who you choose,

we, uh, we're gonna be okay.

-You won't hurt our feelings. -Absolutely not.

We are definitely mature adults,

and we definitely wouldn't be doing anything silly

like competing, you know.

Did I tell you how sharp you were in this suit?

And do you know I have a dress the exact same color?

I'm just saying.

You know, if you're into that whole matchy-matchy thing,

personally, I think it's super played out.

However, you know what's not played out?

-What? -Ice cream.

Ice cream?

Yes, and when we go to the dance,

we will get some ice cream after.

Why wait?

You can have ice cream right now before the dance.

Did I tell you that I used to be a dancer back in high school?

You know, I won third place at the state competition

my senior year.

I went and did a little something like this.

But, uh, it's okay. Just give me a second.

Look, I know y'all ain't having a full-on dance battle in here.

Mm-mm. Nope.

Somebody's taking this a little too serious.

Yeah, somebody named you.

Okay, this is ridiculous. Junior, it's time to pick.

Who are you taking to the mother-son dance?

I pick...

Miranda.

Aw, baby. I love you.

-Congratulations, Miranda. -Thank you.

You guys are gonna have so much fun tonight.

Thank you, Laura.

Uh, Calvin, why don't we...

go out on a date tonight? Somewhere romantic.

Yeah.

Okay, so baby, listen.

I'm gonna pick you up at six o'clock,

so we can go to the dance, okay?

Okay.

[Miranda] I'll see you soon. Love you.

Love you, too.

-[Calvin] Take care -Bye.

-Bye. -Bye.

You all right, baby?

-Me? Yes. Of course. -Uh-huh.

Junior, why don't you go in your room and finish your homework?

Oh, I already finished.

Baby.

Come on. Come here.

Come on. Bring it in.

Bring it in. Bring it in.

Calvin...

[sighs]

Calvin, I try. And I try and I try.

But nothing seems to work.

I want to have a close connection with your son, too.

[music]

Hey, Uncle Curtis.

So look, I am hosting a meet and greet at our house

for Councilman Dustman to get to meet the community,

but we ran into a little problem.

Um, our babysitter didn't show up,

so we were wondering if you and Auntie Ella

could babysit Malisa for us.

Uh-huh.

What are you doing? What?

You just said that you and Aunt Ella would babysit for us.

I did? Oh, yeah. Yeah. Well, fine.

Ella loves watching the baby.

I'll put these bottles in the fridge.

So Uncle Curtis, look, you got the diapers in these pockets,

Uh, you got a tushy cream in here,

You got binky and backup binky two through seven in here

just in case she gets fussy.

Uh-huh.

Yes, give her the binkies if she gets fussy.

But whatever you do, don't rock her. She hates that.

Uh-huh.

And if she microwaves a zebra and backflip ocean double helix,

then you just got to stop her.

Uh-huh.

Okay Uncle Curtis, that's how I know you're not listening to me.

Because what I just said didn't make any sense.

[Lisa] None.

Will y'all... I ain't got to listen to you.

Okay? Ella know everything all about,

she done babysit this precious little baby infant child

a million times.

She know all that stuff.

All right, well thank you Uncle Curtis.

Uh-huh.

[door closes]

Curtis?

Curtis, where'd the baby come from?

Ella, if you don't know where babies come from by now,

I can't help you.

Malik dropped her off? What happened to their babysitter?

I don't know. Here.

Here what? Curtis, I am going to my event.

What event? I can't babysit by myself.

You're not by yourself. You got Floyd.

[Floyd snores]

Ella.

Baby, for your own good, you got to cancel that event.

You got to watch this baby or else she gonna grow up

and go off to college in the blink of an eye

and you gonna have regret in your heart

for the precious moments you didn't spend with her.

Oh Curtis, no I'm not.

Not at all. Baby, I babysit the baby all the time.

I am not canceling my plans.

I've been looking forward to going out with my friends

in my beautiful crown,

and that's exactly what I'm about to do.

Well, you know, quiet as kept.

I must say, you look beautiful in that green dress, baby.

You look like a sexy leprechaun.

-[Ella] Thank you. -I want to get lucky.

Curtis, don't try to butter me up.

Don't try to butter me up, mister.

You'll be fine, babe.

It's not like it's the first time you've watched a baby.

You raised CJ, you raised Calvin.

Tending to a baby is like riding a bike.

Ella, the last time I rode a bike, I crashed into a mailbox!

You can't do this to me, baby.

Curtis, babe. You did this to yourself, okay?

Let this be a life's lesson.

Pay attention to your wife and not to football.

Never!

[Ella] Casserole's in the fridge!

-Ooh. Oh, my goodness. -[baby cries]

Baby. Wait, baby. Before you go! She made a boo-boo.

I was watching. I was watching. It's a great play. Yes, sir.

We ain't talking about the game.

-We got a code brown. -Ah! Ooh!

Where did the baby come from? Where's Lisa?

I don't know, she left.

-Well, where's Ella? -I don't know, she left.

Well, what do you know?

I know if we don't change this baby's diaper in 30 seconds,

I'm going to pass out from toxic fume inhalation.

Okay. Wait, look. We're in luck.

-We got this right here. -Oh there's the bag right there.

All right, cool. We got a blanket.

All right, we got a rattle.

Uh, let's see what we got here.

We got a pacifier.

We got two of them in here.

I don't know how many...

How many pacifiers does this baby have?

I mean, jeez. She ain't got but one mouth.

Focus! Okay? I'm getting queasy.

All right. All right. Now we're in business. Here.

-You do it! -What? Me?

No, you the blood relative, bro. You in the game now.

Look, I'm just the family friend

that stand on the sidelines, all right?

Come on, Curtis. Get your game face on.

Yeah. You know what? You can do this. You got this!

-You got this! You can do it! -I got it, I can do it.

[Floyd] Yes!

[baby crying]

Go ahead, get in there.

Oh! It's a blowout. -[Floyd] Yes, it is.

-I can't do it. -[Floyd] Yes, it is.

I can't do it.

-It's burning my eyes. -[Curtis] I can't do it.

I can't do it.

Look here. You know what?

The true sign of a champion

is one that can stay calm under pressure.

-Okay. -[Floyd] Come on.

Get in there. All right.

Now, this is what you got to do. You ready?

Okay, let's do it like football.

First down.

First thing we got to do is take the dirty diaper off the baby.

-Me? -Yes, sir.

[Floyd] Blood relative. Go ahead. You got it.

Oh, yeah. I know, I know. Stay with it.

Ooh wee.

All right. All right.

Now, I know wipes, there's something to do with wipes.

Yes, wipe the baby. That's second down.

-Second down, wipe the baby. -What the hell is this?

-It's a wipe. -I need a sheet.

-Not a itty bitty wipe! -[baby cries]

-Thank you. -Here.

What about one more?

[baby cries]

You got that? Wrap it up.

Okay. All right.

Okay. Good job.

You got it? All right.

-Okay. -You got it?

-Here, do something with that. -Oh!

So, look here. All right, third down.

You have to give the baby a clean diaper, yes, yes.

All right. You'll get a clean diaper.

You'll get a clean diaper.

Yeah, there she is. High and lift it up.

There you go. All right.

Go ahead. Right there.

-Wrap the baby like that? -Yeah, right there.

You are doing great, man.

I mean, it ain't like I never did it.

Yeah, I know. Yeah, you ain't lost your touch.

Now, fourth down, now we gotta redress the baby. All right.

Just wrap it up in this somehow. Yeah, button it up.

That's too many buttons.

I'll just to put it on top of her like a blanket.

-Oh. Smart. -[baby cries]

-Aww! -Bro, you did that.

-Touchdown! Touchdown! - Yes, sir. Touchdown!

No, no, no, no. Don't slam the baby!

[music]

So son, what made you pick Miranda

to take you to the mother-son dance anyway?

What's wrong with Laura?

She cute and all, but she cannot cook.

That's not true.

[whispers] Keep your voice down.

For real, though. Miranda is way better.

You should for real get back with her.

Hey, hey, hey. Now, I agree about she can't cook,

but she's a wonderful woman that I'm going to marry,

and you will respect her.

Don't ever say anything like that again.

Don't ever say something like what again?

Oh, Junior was just using some language

that we never use in this house,

and now he's going to go on and get dressed. Go ahead.

Boy!

-I got it. -Thank you.

He is going to have so much fun tonight.

At an elementary school dance? Fun?

Yeah. Yes. [laughs]

Mr. Winkle, the math teacher, is on the ones and twos.

And they ain't got nothing to eat but stale leftover corn dogs

that the cafeteria lady found in the freezer.

Be happy that you're missing all that.

Yeah well, I guess.

It's just babe, I've been trying so hard

to build a stronger bond with Calvin Jr.

I don't know what else to do.

You know? Like, I've even prayed about it.

But I get it. Miranda is a mother.

She is great with kids, and I cannot compete with that.

You don't have to compete. Ever. I chose you, baby.

And besides, Miranda has lived with Junior for years.

You'll get there, I know it.

One day, he's going to see the amazing woman

that I know and love.

Honey Bun, back away from the spinach dip.

First rule of hosting,

don't get high on your own supply.

Although his boss is all for getting high.

Look, I only had one chip.

Okay, maybe five.

But you know spinach dip is my weakness.

You got a lot of weaknesses, bro.

Chips, cake, cinnamon buns, cobbler.

Look, this is my party, okay?

This ain't your party, fool.

This is your J-O-B. And stop grazing.

Girl, he can't help it.

Look, relax.

This is my first official duty

being a part of Councilman Dustman's campaign team.

And it's a success!

My boss is happy,

the community leaders that we invited are happy,

I'm happy, why aren't you happy?

Because I'm a little on edge.

I'm worried about Malisa.

She's with Uncle Curtis and Uncle Floyd.

Actually, you should be a nervous wreck.

Just stop, you're not helping.

Look babe, just calm down. It's going to be okay.

I don't know, Malik. Uncle Curtis isn't answering.

Well, that's your first problem,

you never call Uncle Curtis first.

You always call Auntie Ella.

Mm-hmm, always call Auntie Ella.

Calling Uncle Curtis is like asking for a tsunami.

I called Aunt Ella.

She's at the Incomparable Crowns event.

So apparently Uncle Curtis is babysitting.

He's going dark.

I think something's wrong.

Look, babe. Nothing is wrong, okay?

It's Uncle Curtis and a baby. What could go wrong?

You did hear the words that just came out your mouth, right?

Let's go.

-Uncle Curtis, is every-- -Shh. Everything's all right.

Mm-hmm.

Well no wonder he couldn't answer the phone.

That baby straight wore them out.

You know what?

I put in enough face time at the meet and greet.

Since we're here, might as well take the baby home.

All right, then. I'll just leave him a note.

Hello, handsome.

Are you ready to get going to this dance?

Heck yeah.

I'm kicking it with my second mom's gonna be lit!

Hey!

And Junior, you know I love you.

That is so sweet, and I will always be here for you.

But you know, Laura's fitting to be your stepmom.

You sound just like my dad.

I know, I know. Have a seat with me, sir.

All I ask is that you at least give her a chance, okay?

-I promise. -Okay, good.

Why don't you go tell your dad and Laura

that we're about to head out, okay?

Yeah.

Hey, babe. Hey, Junior, Junior, wait a minute.

Um, so I know that we've never really,

you know, been out on, like, this whole date thing.

So I feel like you really need to understand

what you're getting yourself into.

A little sneak peek, Okay? So let me show you first.

I gotta show you some of these moves I got, right?

-Oh! Oh! -Uh, we don't have to dance.

Uh, we can just, like, bob our heads and talk?

Okay, like this?

-Mm-hmm. -Yeah.

So just so you know,

I do like to tell jokes also, when I'm out on a date.

Hey! You wanna hear one?

So why do ducks have tail feathers?

I don't know. Why?

[laughs]

To cover their butt quacks, of course!

[laughs and snorts]

-Is that your for real laugh? -Wait I snorted, I snorted.

Yes, is there a problem with that?

Miss Laura, I changed my mind.

Can you take me to the Mother-Son dance?

What? No! No, that wouldn't be fair to Miranda.

No, no, no, no, no. Laura, it's fine.

Listen, my feet are already hurting.

-Go ahead and go. -Really, Miranda?

Like, you don't mind?

You would be doing these feet right here a favor.

So you guys go and enjoy.

-I'll see you later. -Absolutely. Go, go.

Okay! Come on! See y'all later.

-Have fun. -We will.

Oh, and he is a gentleman. You go, boy.

Uh Miranda, what just happened?

Oh I, um, you know, just showed Junior some of my dance moves,

and I think he had second thoughts.

Now, Miranda, you're a fantastic dancer.

I know.

But I, uh, I realized that I needed to put my, uh,

my pride aside.

Because the reality is,

is that Laura is going to be here helping to raise him.

So I had to do a little Mom Jedi Mind Trick on him.

You're a good woman, Miranda. You know that?

Oh, I try. I try.

[music]

[music]

Curtis!

-Curtis, wake up! -That cost extra!

Oh, baby, I was having a bad dream.

Somebody stole the food truck,

and I had to sling loose-meat sandwiches

out of the trunk of the car.

Uh, Curtis, forget someone stealing the food truck.

Did someone steal the baby?

[Both] You lost the baby?

Oh, there's a note. A note.

It must be a ransom note or something.

-Oh thank you, Lord. -[Floyd] Well what it say?

Oh, it may say, "Malik and Lisa stopped by, picked up the baby.

Thank you so much."

Hold up, wait a minute. You knew?

Of course I knew, Curtis.

They told me something, and I listened.

Something you should try.

-Good night, Floyd. -Good night, Ella.

Oh, no, no, no. You stay. You're cleaning.

Clean all that up.

Good night.

Ooh, that was close!

[music]

[music]

[music]