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1 ♪ Why you gon' do that? ♪

♪ I got a sweet tooth... ♪

Hey, why'd you turn that off? I was groovin'.

I think you just answered your own question, Dave.

Oh, hey, honey. How was your run?

Oh, awesome.

So much better than paying for an expensive gym.

I got clipped by a skateboarder

and stepped on...

what I hope was burrito, but...

but still, we're saving a fortune.

Yeah, and it's for a good cause.Yeah.

Well, you know, you could just send Grover

to a free public school

and not step on burritos.

No sacrifice is too great for my baby boy.

Oh, this is not burrito.

Hey, uh,

did you happen to run down Cresthaven?

Dave, I did not pick any figs off that guy's tree.

Dave, are you stealing figs?

It's not stealing.

The figs are hanging over a public sidewalk.

Therefore, per municipal code,

these are the people's figs.

Well, I'm with the fig guy.

Who is this, anyway?

I don't know, really.

I've only ever interacted with him on SidewalkTalk.

On Side what now?

It's a neighborhood app.

Tina knows what I'm talking about. I've seen her on there.

Ugh, barely.

I hate that app. All people do is talk trash.

Yeah, but it's also a great way

to keep up with what's going on around here

and communicate with our neighbors.

Why do you need an app?

You got a mouth.

Yes, but by using the app,

I can avoid awkward confrontations.

And this whole fig thing could resolve itself peacefully.

Also,

this app is handy for all kinds of stuff.

Look at this. Recommendations for gardeners,

finding a lost pet.

I mean, look at this cute little girl on Marengo.

"Please help me find Yertle the Turtle." Aw.

That's actually a tortoise,

so his name should be Yortoise.

Well, the only reason I even have the app

is for the section where people give away stuff they don't want.

Give away? Like free?

- Ooh, I like free. - Okay.

Wow. Humidifier, Ping-Pong table.

- Hey, a treadmill. I could use that. - Mm-hmm.

Well, you know, I'll grab my keys, I'll drive you over.

Okay. Ooh, and, uh, get me some more figs.

Steal your own damn fruit.

There are so many cute babies here.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, but Daphne's the cutest.

Agreed, agreed.

I'm not judging, but that baby over there?

He can't sit up yet.

Wow.

Daphne's been able to sit up for a month now.

Uh-huh. I mean, not judging. I'm sure

that baby's good at other things.

Oh, damn.

That baby's holding her own bottle.

Daphne's so behind.

Hello, friends.

My name is Teacher Hannah, and I'm so happy

to see some new faces today.

Let's start off with five minutes of free play.

What's wrong?

Nothing. Uh, I-I know

Teacher Hannah from high school.

Oh.

Hi, welcome.

Who is this cutie?

Uh, well, this is

my daughter, Daphne.

And, of course, I need no introduction.

Have you been here before?

No, no. Uh, Hannah...

It's me, Marty Butler.

Uh-huh.

We went to high school together.

Oh! Um...

Were you in Ms. Kittay's English class?

No. No, I was in honors English.

We went to junior prom together.

- Oh, my God! - Yeah.

Marty.

Oh, of course.Ah... Oh.

You look exactly the same.

I know, which is why this is so hurtful.

I used to have the cutest nickname for him.

Oh, I wish I could remember.

Oh, what-what was it?

Uh, I doubt any of us remember it.

Farty Marty.

God.

Is that really the cutest nickname?

Well, you turned out great.

And your wife is beautiful.

Oh, no, she's not. She...

I... I mean... No...

Y-Yes. Yes, she is beautiful, but

we are not a couple.

We're just friends and co-parents.

Well, welcome. And don't worry,

your little cutie is gonna be holding

her own bottle any day now.

She's just a little behind.

G...

Gemma, look. The treadmill, I get,

but do we really need a surfboard?

It was free.

Uh...

That wasn't my question.

Honey... we don't even surf.

Because we didn't have a surfboard.

Duh. Oh, my...

There you go, Camille.

Fresh new spark plugs.

You deserve them.

Yes, you do.

Calvin.

Camille.

Dave, this is a private conversation.

Don't feel bad, Dave.

He kicked me out of it, too.

Why don't you just talk to your bike, Pee-wee Herman?

We're car people over here.

I am not taking that personally.

You always get grumpy when it's time

for the Great Pasadena Bike Takeover.

Look, I don't mind the bikes.

It's the riders ringing those stupid bells.

Th-There's 400 of 'em.

I see you.

You know what, Malcolm?

Your father's grumpy energy

has reminded me of something that I saw on the Sidewalk app.

Oh, yeah, I saw that.

Yeah, a certain pickup truck owner

has been generating a lot of complaints.

- What are you talking about? - Uh, people are complaining

that you are driving up and down the street

in your rust bucket

blasting rap music.

Rust bucket? Mm-hmm.

They-they couldn't be talking about my truck.

Camille is in our family photo.

Look.

Oh, okay.

So this how it is?

People talking all this trash, hiding behind they screens?

This is not how neighbors treat each other.

One of 'em gonna call me Fred Sanford.

What you laughing at?

'Cause if I'm Fred, you Lamont, you big dummy.

You know what? I'm downloading that app.

Uh, no, please don't... Just ignore it, Pop.

You can only make it worse.

I know, and that's what I'm gonna do.

I'm gonna make it worse.

Ooh, uh, Calvin,

make yourself a cool avatar.

I'm a coconut with a mustache.

See, they don't know who they messing with.

Uh-huh. Yeah. Uh-huh.

N... No. No, no, no, no.

I didn't say "duck." Don't autocorrect me.

I said what I said.

Hey, hey.

- What's up? - Hi.

Oh, how was your baby class?

Oh, it was good. And Marty knew the teacher.

Hannah.

Hannah from high school?

Oh, snap.

She had Farty Marty wrapped around her little finger.

Oh, I-I barely remember her.

Oh. I do.

Marty was so excited that she agreed

to go to the prom with him,

he sold his most valuable action figure

to pay for a limo.

Darth Vader with the purple lightsaber?

It was in the box and everything.

But you took Hannah to the prom.

But not from the prom.

No, she went home

with the star running back.

In Marty's limo.

Oh, Marty.

You know, I knew I didn't like that woman.

Let's find another baby class.

No, no, hey, hey, wait, don't be silly.

Okay? T-That was a long time ago.

People change. I know I have.

Look, I am

a grown, successful businessman.

And thanks to the invention of almond milk,

that nickname is behind me.

It was behind you then, too.

Um...

...is that a rowing machine?

Yes, it is, and the price was right: zero.

Ooh, check this out: a solar-powered pizza oven.

And if you have any good pizza recipes

you want to give me,

you can fax them.

Well,

getting things you were never gonna buy

is not exactly saving money.

True, but

as soon as I make a sun pizza,

I'm in the black.

Dave, what are you doing?

Picking up rotten figs, Calvin.

The fig guy has brought the war to my home.

Where my bedroom is. Where my wife sleeps.

Where my child plays with his toys.

Okay, Michael Corleone,

i-it's like five figs on the ground.

Well, Pop, if you wanted to get a reaction out of your haters,

it worked.

Well, good.

And guess what, after five tries,

autocorrect finally gave up on "duck."

Yes, I noticed. You didn't pull any punches.

You told Randy B.,

"I'm gonna slap you into next week,

"and then follow you into that week

and kick your ass to April."

Hold on, you told Arthur P. That you were going to, quote,

"moonwalk with my foot in yo' ass"?

Now, he insulted my truck.

Calvin, I don't know that I can "like" this.

Well, guess what?

Yo' ass just did.

Hello, friends.

I'm so happy to see all of you today.

Uh, what? My shirt?

- I'm sorry? - No, I just...

I didn't even realize I was wearing it.

It's just a business I own.

Yeah, I know it might look like I just work there, but, no.

I buy these shirts for the large staff that I hire,

and sometimes fire.

Wait. The Fusebox?

Yeah. I've seen that place.

- Mm-hmm. - It's huge.

You're the owner?

- Wow. - Yeah.

I know. I know. See,

it's how I can be here in the middle of the day.

You know, I don't have to ask anybody.

It'd just be like, "Hey, Marty, can I have the morning off?"

It'd be like, "Sure, Marty! Take all the time you need."

It's a... That-That's a boss joke.

Yeah, I know.

You're hysterical!

It wasn't that funny.

Even in high school,

I always knew he'd go far.

We should catch up.

We should.

That'd be nice, you know?

Take a stroll down memory lane,

reminisce about the time that you stole his limo.

Oh.

He told you about that little prank?

I used to be so crazy.

Well, yeah, yeah.

- She did the craziest stuff. - Mm-hmm.

Well, it doesn't sound crazy, it sounds mean.

Okay, well, we were just kids.

Yeah, and you were a decent kid.

And you were a mean girl who entertained yourself

by tormenting deluded, helpless nerds.

- Okay, so are you defending me or... - Yes,

- I am defending you. - Okay, okay.

I see why you aren't a couple.

Oh. Oh, you see, do you?

Oh. Oh. Oh.

How about you see me outside?

Oh. Uh...

- All right. All right. - Let's go. Go.

Uh, anybody want to sing? Okay.

♪ The wheels on the bus go round and round ♪

♪ Round and round, round and round ♪

♪ The wheels on the bus go round and round... ♪

Okay, now, no matter what she says,

stay strong.

You think I'll cave in to Gemma?

Oh, I'm sorry. I was talking to myself.

Yeah.

Check it out. A dude on Coronado is giving away a water heater.

He must be crazy!

Um, Gemma, we need to talk.

Not now. This baby's gonna move.

Gemma, please, give Tina the phone.

But I really want...

Give me the phone!

I can stop anytime I want, guys. I'm fine.

Dave, someone left a whole box

of universal remotes in my driveway.

Those aren't yours.

Gemma, please, think about this.

How is this helping Grover?

It's not.

- No. - No.

- I have a problem. - Yeah.

Maybe I should go sit in my free massage chair.

Gemma,

- that thing don't work. - Mm.

I know. But I can fix it.

- Okay. All right. I-I... - This is bad.

I'm gonna get her in the house. Come on.

Come on.

Come on. Come on. Whoa!

That's crazy, right? You know?

Whoa! Watch it!

Rock in the road!

That's no rock.

That's Yertle.

Calvin, no!

Phew. Little buddy, you almost got hurt.

Hey, it's okay, people.

Yertle's fine.

Hey, is she asleep?

Yup.

So, um,

do you want to talk about what happened in class today?

You mean when I saved you from that succubus?

I didn't want to be saved.

I'm a single dad.

I don't exactly have a line of women knocking down my door.

You want to know the last time I had sex?

Was when we made the baby.

Well, join the club.

It's not like I don't have needs.

And you don't get a lot of swipes on a dating app

when they ask for your hobbies, and your answer is "lactating."

Okay, look, you and I are just friends, fine.

But why are you preventing me

from becoming more than friends with somebody else?

Because I couldn't stand watching her play you like that.

That woman sucks.

Oh, well, thank you so much.

You're so welcome.

Ooh.

- Bedroom? - Yes.

Okay, you have got to have a condom somewhere!

No, I told you, it's been a while!

Hold on. I think... I think Malcolm has some in his room!

Uh, find one?!

Got it!

- Yes! - Yes!

No!

It's okay, baby. You're good.

♪ The wheels on the bus go round and round ♪

♪ Round and round, round and round ♪

♪ Wheels on the bus go round and round... ♪

Okay. I think we're good.

Okay. Where were we?

Hey, hey, I got some pizza.

Why?!

You know what?

I should go.

Marty, I think we... we should call it a night.

Good night, Daph.

Okay. All right. Okay.

All right, man, well, she's not getting any.

She isn't the only one.

Oh, so you couldn't sell any of this stuff?

Yeah, not only could we not sell it,

the Got Junk guys wanted

to charge us 500 bucks to haul it away.

Oh.

Well, goodbye, panini press.

I'll miss you.

Well, I mean, those presses are actually pretty good.

Yeah. Don't-don't worry. We still have one.

One. Sure.

Gemma.

This is hard!

Hey, uh, we're looking for a Calvin Butler?

Uh, that's me.

Oh. And this young lady must be looking for Yertle.

Yes!

Well, here you go.

Yertle, I missed you so much.

Thank you, Mr. Butler.

Oh, don't worry about it.

He's had his dinner... a little lettuce

and a half a cantaloupe.

You fed that turtle my seven-dollar cantaloupe?!

You bought a seven-dollar cantaloupe?

She's so cute. Look at her.

Thanks, Mr. Butler. I'm Xavier.

We're over on Marengo Circle.

Oh, hey, it's Calvin, and no reason to thank me.

All right? It's what neighbors do.

I'm sure you would have did the same.

Yeah, speaking of that, I actually owe you an apology.

I'm the one off the app who called you Fred Sanford.

That was you?

Yeah.

Well, you don't owe me an apology.

You owe an apology...

to Camille.

Uh, sorry, uh,

- Camille. Camille. - Camille. Yeah.

Now, look.

Now, there was a time

that if you had a problem with your neighbor,

you'd just go and knock on his door.

So, maybe next time, why don't you try that?

- All right. - Okay?

- Yeah. - If I may.

I love what I'm seeing.

You know, this is how I should have handled

the whole fig situation with Dan J.

Oh. You're the guy who's stealing the figs?

I am not stealing them.

They were dangling over a public thoroughfare.

Which I will explain pleasantly to Dan J.

Hey, Pop?

We're all loaded up.

You know what, Calvin? I got to say,

I'm starting to see the Sanford and Son thing.

You know, father and son, truck full of trash.

Well, I don't.

Will you come on, Pop, so we can get to the junkyard?

Okay, I see it now.

Well, come on, you big dummy.

This little library is the coolest thing in the world.

Yeah, right?

What's that smell?

It's compost.

Don't you just love it?!

Hey, Dave.

Hey, Calvin.

Aw, damn... two Daves?

No. Calvin, this is Dan,

the guy with the fig tree.

The app brought us together.

Calvin, I have heard so much about you.

Dave said you're super awesome.

Okay. Thank you.

Uh...

actually makes me very, very uncomfortable.

Yeah, uh, Calvin, as a peace offering,

I made Dan a batch of my famous Fig Johnsons.

- Oh. - They're like Fig Newtons,

but, obviously, you know, my last name

- isn't Newton, so I... - No, no,

no, no, Dave, I get it.

Oh. You know what would be perfect to wash these down?

- Oh, well... kombucha! - Kombucha!

- Oh, good. Jinx! - Jinx!

Up top, Calvin!

Yeah, I'm gonna delete this app right now.

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