Original subtitles

♪ Tu-bi Tubi ♪

- Tonight, we show George that we are the picture

of class and professionalism.

- Breaking into somebody else's house?

- What's this? A murder?

You'll need to find the antidote and win the grand prize.

Drinks with the birthday boy in his private speakeasy.

- Yeah, no, we can't be on the same team.

- What's done is done. - I'm a Firbolg.

- No! You D&D? - Yeah.

Ten-foot-two, eyes of blue, baby!

(laughter)

- And it's congratulations, Buffy!

- It's a big boppin' honour, sir.

- See you at the pitch. Where I will win.

- Sure, Monica.

- Hey, y'all. What a ride these past few months have been.

Being promoted to CEO,

an award-winning Boppin Burger campaign that I got to star in.

And to top it all off?

Being this year's

Woman in Creative Advertising award winner?

I'm so grateful, humbled

and all that other self-deprecating stuff.

And I mean, would you get a look at this thing,

I mean isn't she gorge?

Wait.

Why does that say Monica Marks?

What is happening?

(screaming)

(FaceTime ring)

Hello?

(Oliver): Chrysanthemum. It's Oliver, did I wake you?

- No, not at all!

- You do know this is a video call, right?

- Oh my God!

- Yeah listen, I just wanted to give you

a few words of encouragement before your Boppin Burger pitch.

- Oh! Oh, that's so kind.

- If you don't land the account, you're fired.

- Wait, what? - I'm a grinder, too.

If it wasn't for those mouthguards,

I'd have nothing but gums.

(sighs)

(theme music)

♪ Cuz we bolder

♪ I'm gonna run this city ♪

- Melvin? How is this possible?

- Well, it's costly starting your own business.

- Yes, I know that but,

how can I be low on money?

Oh God, am I poor?

- Ah, you're not poor! - Oh, thank God!

- Actually, borderline indigent. - What?

- You started a business, you purchased supplies,

you redecorated an office, you hired a publicist,

you threw a big party,

not to mention you rent a space in one of the most

expensive office buildings in Manhattan.

And, I keep seeing this charge

in your business account for microneedling?

- Yes, well, it's a very important,

uh, office charge for the photocopier.

I still don't understand how I can be in this position.

I have new clients!

- Not enough to keep the lights on. Not long term.

- Melvin, I can't go back to Hoboken!

- All I'm saying is, something need to change.

And fast.

New Jersey's nice in the spring.

Just before the landfills get too hot in the summer.

- Oh!

(sighs)

I can smell them already.

(dubstep music)

- We found a significant increase

in our Boppin Burger patronage

amongst our key demographic, 18 to 24,

between the hours of 11PM and 5AM.

Okay, next slide.

Next slide, Clem. - Oh.

- Oh my God.

Is that a poop emoji in place of a burger?

For our professional presentation?

- It's a patty placeholder.

That I forgot to change for our professional presentation.

- Well, delete it. Now.

- I am, I am. - Chill, mama.

- I can't constantly be double checking your work.

I really need you guys to pay attention.

- I am paying attention,

which is how I caught you being a little spicy

and I said, "Chill, mama!"

(sarcastic chuckle)

- Cue the music.

(house music)

Picture this, it's the party of the century.

- Young people are drinking,

dancing, having the time of their lives.

- When they get a text alert on their phone.

Two for one, late night deal!

There's only one place to go!

- Boppin Burger, ey! Boppin Burger, ey!

(Clem & Elliot): Boppin Burger, ey!

- Boppin Burger, home of the afterparty.

(both scatting)

(both laugh)

(music stops)

- Guys, seriously!

George is a cis-straight white man in his 60s,

I don't think he's gonna appreciate the theatrics.

- Or maybe he will.

I mean, I had Beau question everything.

I wanna be able to do the splits, like personally.

And professionally, of course.

(groans)

(house music)

- And the sustainable,

recyclable,

oh God, it sounds stupid.

Ugh.

- Happy pitch day!

- Oh! My goodness.

Uh, Doug?

You look like Braveheart went to Pride Weekend.

- It's giving freedom.

Isn't it great?

I'm showing that we can bring the Z.

- Oh!

- It's made to measure, Italian wool, custom silk lining,

and it's got the perfect hidden pocket for...

No. no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no!

- What is it?

- It's Tiny Claus! He's missing!

(deep breath)

- Can we please just stick to the script?

- Is there such a thing as being over prepared?

I just feel like we're taking the magic out of it,

the inspiration.

The "je ne sais queer."

- Okay, but need I remind you, if we don't nail this,

Oliver's going to fire us.

I don't think there's any room for magic and inspiration.

- But that's our secret sauce. - No, I am the secret sauce.

- Excuse?

- Ha! Okay.

- Oh, what, you two think you're the sauce?

- Well, yes!

- I definitely felt a little saucy.

Like barbecue, only tangier.

- Child, you have not been doing this long enough

to accrue vacation days,

so I suggest you get off this power trip.

- I will, when you two finally do your jobs!

- We've been doing our jobs the whole time!

The magma pitch, the mock commercial--

- Okay, so twice?

Because otherwise, you've just been redecorating the office,

playing pranks. - Guys.

- You asked us to do those things!

- Okay, but you abandoned me at George's party,

and then you left me with Monica!

- Girl bye!

You probably loved being stuck with her

because you want to be her,

and honestly you're kind of close.

- Elliot!

- I said what I said.

Finish the transformation and get a Diet Coke.

(loud gasp)

Come on, Clem.

Clem?

- Clem?

- Clem?

- Umm.

I'm sorry, I'm just really confused right now.

- You're seriously leaving?

What is wrong with you guys?

- What's wrong with us?

Nothing is wrong with us,

you just think you're Deena in Dreamgirls.

Fine, I'll be Effie, and I'm telling you,

you are not the main character!

Oh, and guess what?

I quit.

See you next Tuesday.

Clem! Let's go.

(house music)

(breathes deeply)

- Doug, what is that? A plastic bag?

No, you do that with a paper bag,

you could asphyxiate yourself!

- Well, good! I have nothing to live for anyway.

You don't understand, Monica,

I can't exist without Tiny Claus, I need him!

- Doug, we are preparing

for the biggest pitch of our careers,

and you're worried about some dumb little doll?

- If I had a glass of water, I would throw it in your face!

Okay, he's not some stupid doll, Monica, he's my entire world.

- Okay, sorry if I seem to pass judgment,

let me rearrange my face.

(sighs)

Go on.

(sighs)

- My Lola, grandmother,

gave me Tiny Claus when I left the Philippines.

My parents had emigrated to the United States,

and Lola raised me until they got on their feet.

She loved Christmas. I mean, we all do.

When I was seven, I had to fly to Oregon

all by myself to meet my parents,

and I was so scared.

Lola gave me Tiny Claus

and she said as long as I had him,

she'd always be with me.

- Aww.

- And then she died.

(gasp)

- Right then? - 16 years later.

- Oh. - Yeah.

There's one other thing you should probably know about.

- I know about the shapewear.

- Filipinos are very superstitious,

and there was only one other time

where I didn't have him.

And that's the day we got fired from Atelier.

- Doug, we have got to find that dumb doll!

- Figurine! But yes, let's go.

- Let's go.

(dubstep music)

- What are you gonna do for work?

- I'll pick up a couple drag brunches here and there.

I've been doing an Ariana Grande/Lord Of The Rings

crossover based on her little boyfriend

and people have been loving it.

- You're probably not gonna find another job like this.

- Says who?

- We literally only got this job cause Monica and Doug got fired.

It took them years to get where we are.

- Not with a face like this!

- A flawless face will only get you so far.

Trust me, I know!

- Mm-hmm.

- You're really not worried?

- Watch how unbothered I am.

(dubstep music)

- Home sweet home!

- I can't believe I've never been here,

I didn't know what to expect,

but this like any normal 40 year old woman's apartment.

Except for the Christmas tree.

Oh, what's that?

- You'll see.

(computer voice): Access granted.

(Christmas music)

(gasp)

- Who wants some cocoa?

(laughter)

- Ho Ho Ho! Merry Christmas!

- Welcome to the Doug Pole!

(nervous laughter)

- Oh, oh my, oh my God!

- Isn't it great?

- Uh, y-yeah, it's wow!

- Ah!

You need a passport to enter!

- Doug!

(clears throat)

- What is the purpose of your visit?

- Business!

- Do you have any fruit? Produce?

- Okay, we gotta hurry up. Let's go.

(sighs)

- Kriska! - You can't quit too, Annabelle.

I need you here! Yes, you are abrasive, often insubordinate,

and I seriously question the amount of prescription drugs

you take, but you have to stay!

- You need to leave for the pitch.

I'm glad it's in another office,

I think we could both use the time apart.

- Tiny Claus? Where are you? - Here, here's a, here's a guy.

He's tiny, he's Claus, he's a Tiny Claus.

- Okay, you don't have any gloves on.

This is Père Noël from the town of Ivoire

overseeing the first freeze on the French Alps. Okay?

- Okay. Doug? We gotta go.

We gotta find uh, how about this one?

Here, it's... - No, that's not him, okay?

- Doug, we have got to go, we've got work to do!

- You know how much Tiny Claus means to me, okay?

I can't leave until we find it.

- I, this is silly, we can't do this all day.

We've gotta get to work! We can't keep looking for it.