All language subtitles for Family.Guy.S10E18.WEB-DL.x264.Hun.Eng-Krissz.en

# It seems today
that all you see #

# Is violence in movies
and sex on TV #

# But where are those
good old-fashioned values #

# On which we used to rely? #

# Lucky there's a family guy #

# Lucky there's a man
who positively can do #

# All the things that make us #

# Laugh and cry #

# He's... a...
Fam... ily... Guy! #

# Family Guy 10x18 #
You Can't Do That on Television, Peter
Original Air Date on April 1, 2012

== sync, corrected by elderman ==

Need to move?

No problem.

Take it yourself with U-Haul.

But I've never driven
a truck before.

No problem.

U-Haul lets anyone drive
a giant truck,

even though it's dangerous,
because, hey, you're moving.

Sorry, I'm making a go
of it in a new city.

All right, I'll see you
guys in a couple of days.

Where are you going?

- I'm off to take pictures
of lesbian butts. - What?

Joe and Quagmire and I are
making a coffee table book

called Lesbian Butts
in '80s Jeans.

I already got the first
chapter right here.

Where'd you take
all these pictures?

You know, coffee houses,
Chevy dealerships,

all the usual places.

Peter, you're not
doing that.

I got a ton
of errands to run,

and I need your help
around here.

Well, fine, if I
can't do the book

I'm gonna hurt
something you love.

You happy now?

Maybe we should discuss this
in the other room.

I don't like fighting
in front of the kids.

No, I want to fight
in front of the kids.

I feed off the excitement
of an audience.

Peter, for once
you're going to stay here

and help
around the house.

Now, I need you to watch
Stewie till I get back.

Whoever did this, thank you.

All right, Stewie, since Lois says
I got to keep an eye on you,

we might as well have
some father-son time,

so I'm gonna measure
your penis

and then I'm gonna
measure my penis,

and we're gonna see
whose is bigger.

Doesn't really seem fair.

All right, let's see
what you got.

Stupid game anyway.

Hey, kids, coming up next,

it's the Jolly Farm Revue
marathon.

No, no, don't switch it.

I want to watch Jolly Farm.

Son of a bitch.

I got to spend the rest of the
day watching stupid kid shows.

I'd rather watch paint dry.

Nice.

Wakey, wakey.

Good morning, Mother Maggie.

Heh, who's this?

I like this lady.

Hey, do you think
Mother Maggie

is married to
Father Fa...?

Oh, probably not.

And the unicorn slid

down the rainbow
to a field of jellybeans

where she
and the other villagers decided

it had been the best day ever.

Oh, look, it's Pengrove Pig,

and he's sharing
his apples nicely, isn't he?

Like a champ he is.

# Head, shoulders, knees,
and toes, knees and toes. #

And that's how you make a duck
out of an oatmeal container.

This is the greatest show
in the history of television.

Mother Maggie, you are
a kindred spirit.

This must be how twins
who are separated at birth

feel when they first meet.

Trade house keys,
bang each other's wives?

Yep.

I can't dissect
this pig, Mr. Kingman.

It's against my religion.

Believe me, Neil,
it's no thrill

for the pig to
touch a Jew either.

Okay, how about you,
Meg, how are you doing?

Pretty good.

It's, it's kind of cool
cutting something that's not me.

Wow, that's some
very impressive work.

It's easy for Meg to dissect
a pig because she is a pig.

Hey!

All right,
I'll let that one slide.

Meg, you have some
real potential.

Have you ever thought
about becoming a doctor

when you grow up?

I always just assumed
I'd work on the docks.

Don't limit yourself, Meg.

Doctors wear a mask
most of the time,

so this isn't an issue.

If you're interested
the school has a program

where you can shadow
a real doctor

and learn more about
the medical field.

Yeah, wow, I'd love
to check that out.

Great, I'll set it up.

I didn't know a pig
could be a doctor.

Hey!

You get
just a few more of those.

Now, children, we're going

to learn who wears a hat.

Can a fireman wear
a hat?

-No? -Yes.
- Yes.

Can a policeman
wear a hat?

- No way.
- Yes.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yes.

Yes, he can, I knew that.

Now, you at home, tell me,
who else wears a hat?

A very formal horse?

Very good.

Even a bowling ball can wear a
hat if you use your imagination.

A bowling ball wearing a hat?

This is what high-def
was invented for.

Peter, what the hell
are you doing?

Being a good dad
like you asked.

I've been watching
Jolly Farm with Stewie

for the last
three hours.

That's not Stewie,
that's a pineapple.

Oh, my God, where is Stewie?

I don't know, but
I'm sure he's fine.

Peter, he's a baby.
You can't leave him alone.

Come on, it's good to
have some alone time.

You know, I spent a year
alone on a desert island

with nothing but a monkey
to keep me company.

You're saved, sir, we're going
to get you back to civilization.

And how about we bring along
your monkey pal?

Okay.

Yeah, we can teach
him sign language

and he can
tell us stories

about what you two did
on the island together.

No, n-no, no, no, let's, let's
not, let's not bring the monkey.

Um, I have a peanut M&M
up my nose

and it's now further up
than my finger can reach.

I am ready to farm
this out to someone.

Oh, Stewie, there you are.

Peter, I asked you to do one
simple thing-- watch the baby--

and you couldn't even do that.

Come on, Stewie.

Geez, why's she got
to be such a nag?

I wish she was more
like Mother Maggie.

Mother Maggie has an
announcement, lads and lasses.

I've had such fun playing
and learning with you

these last few years, but now,

just as bees must leave the
hive, I must leave Jolly Farm--

not that you asked, but to have
fertility treatments--

so this will be our last episode
of Jolly Farm.

What? No.

They can't cancel Jolly Farm.

Peter, it's just a
stupid kids' show.

Just a stupid kids' show?

What about Pengrove Pig
and the Lollipop Luau?

I-I-I don't know.

This is going
to leave a void,

and somebody's got
to fill it.

I think you're overreacting.

You don't understand,
Brian.

What am I supposed to do
without Jolly Farm?

I'll be like an Italian mom
without bad kids.

Hey, hey, hey, what the hell
is all the commotion in here?

We're not doing anything.

You getting
fresh with me?

I'm tired of bailing both
of youse out of prison.

We're both in college

and we consistently make
the dean's list.

I'm telling your father.

Good.

Where the hell
is our food?

Yeah, where are
Mom and Dad?

And where's
that awesome finger painting

Stewie did this morning?

Oh, here it is.

Thank you for bringing it up.

I wasn't going to bring it up.

Well, what's
going on?

You haven't
eaten yet?

No.

Where's your father?

He was supposed to put
the lasagna in the oven.

I ask him to do one thing
while I'm at yoga.

You go to an intro class

and it's not even
at the yoga studio.

It's in someone's living room.

And that's not even a yoga mat.

That's the old pee pad
from my crib.

Uh, Lois, you might want
to check this out.

- What is it, Brian?
- Take a look.

And now, boys and girls,
it's time for Petey's Funhouse.

# It's gonna be fun
and we'll have lots of yuks #

# And maybe learn some stuff
but not definitely #

# It's the Petey's Funhouse
show. #

Ugh, another
Aaron Sorkin show

that's way over
everyone's head.

How the hell did you even get
a TV show, Peter?

I just answered an
ad off Craigslist,

and after several hours of
sexual torture, I had a show.

Don't answer that.

I gave out that
number under duress.

Lois, Peter's show is on the
local public access channel.

Anyone can have one.

Yeah, Petey's Funhouse
is actually replacing

The Bad Audio Basement Show.

And once the hot glue dries,
your birdhouse will be complete.

Peter, you already do
nothing around the house

and now you're wasting
more time with this nonsense.

Geez, you're still getting
on my hump about this?

I help out around here.

Just this morning I
changed Meg's diaper

and I sent her
off to school.

Boy, can she kick, but
she left here spotless.

Dr. Hartman, thanks for
letting me shadow you.

I just know I'm going
to learn so much.

It's my pleasure, Meg,
and you're in good hands.

You see that diploma?

Yale Medical School.

Wow, that's impressive.

Thank you, I work very hard
on my calligraphy.

So, how about we take a little
stroll around the hospital?

This area is known
as a hallway.

Don't worry,
you'll pick up

on all the technical
doctor jargon pretty soon.

Hey, is it prescription
or perscription?

I think
it's prescription.

Prescription... that just
feels weird in my mouth.

Perscription is better.

Oh, and there's the E.R.

Don't go in there unless you
want everyone to yell at you.

Hi, kids, I'm Petey Griffin.

Hi, Petey!

We're going to have so much fun
on Petey's Funhouse today,

but before we begin, your friend
Petey wants to sing you a song.

# What makes you
so special? #

# The fact
that you are special #

# But if everybody's
special #

# That kinda
waters it down #

# So some of you
ain't special #

# I can tell you
who is special #

# Like you and you
ain't special. #

And you are
and you're not.

Okay, kids, it's story time here
on Petey's Funhouse.

Today's story is
Lesbian Butts in '80s Jeans.

Ooh, that's a classic.

Once upon a time, some chick in
a leather jacket in front of me

in the parking lot walked
into Home Depot,

and her butt looked like this.

Everybody see this?

Everybody see
how shapeless this is?

She walked out of there with
a bag of soil on each shoulder.

Now, before I show you
this next one,

has anyone here ever heard
of the Sturgis Motorcycle Rally?

I know we have a lot of yuks
here on Petey's Funhouse,

but one thing
that's not fun is a bully.

Now, how many of you kids out
there have ever gotten bullied?

Aw, come on up here

and tell us
about it, champ.

Well, my name is Winston,
and I'm quite fond of ballet.

One time I tried out
for Little League

in my ballet shoes,
and the other kids made

so much fun of me,
I wet my pants.

What, wait,
what, like pee?

- How old were you?
- Eight.

Aah, too old!

Too old to be peeing yourself,
Baby Pee Pants.

All right,
you kids finish him off.

Hey, what do you
got there?

Oh, I'm just playing
with some Lee Logs.

What the hell
are Lee Logs?

A little something I
created-- Lee Logs.

Robert E. Lee.

You know, you got Lincoln
Logs, you got Lee Logs.

I don't get it, can,
can you build a house?

You can build quarters.

And people live there?

They live there if you
tell 'em to live there.

I don't know if I like
the idea of Lee Logs.

Yeah, they're not
selling very well.

Peter, dinner!

No dinner for
me tonight, Lois.

I have to go work on
a bit for tomorrow's show.

If I can kill 25
butterflies in a minute,

I won't have to show
the audience my balls.

Peter, this is the
fourth night in a row

you've skipped out on us
to work on your show.

Once again, I'm gonna be stuck
cleaning up the kitchen,

helping out with homework,
and bathing Stewie.

You know, I'd lay off
the nagging if I was you.

I'm a children's TV star now.

I can have any three-year-old
girl I want.

Just know that, Lois.

Peter, I'm only asking
you to do your share.

Well, it's getting
on my nerves.

Like, right now,

you are the most
annoying thing

in my life, with the
possible exception of Evite.

- What's this?
- It's this Web site you can use

to invite people
to stuff.

Does it have to be
a significant event?

No. Not at all!

Well, do you just
get the invitation,

and that's the end of it?

No, it'll remind you
about it constantly!

Is there any way
I can customize this

to showcase my personality
through familiar clip art?

Yes!

And what about
those replying?

Can they demonstrate
their sense of humor

through hilarious replies?

Yes, yes, yes to
everything you're saying!

I'm so excited
to get started!

You do that while
I jump out this window!

Evite. Tell a friend
and then kill yourself.

And then when you
get a little older,

stuff will come out.

Uh-oh!

Sounds like my cranky
new neighbor just got home.

I hope she doesn't
come over here

and give me the business.

Peter!

Oh, hi, Saggy Naggy.

Never mind with "hi!"

It sounds like someone's
having fun over here!

You know I don't
like that!

Hey, kids.
Meet Saggy Naggy.

Real nice lady, huh?

No!

What can I do for you,
Saggy Naggy?

You can stop having fun!

But we like fun,
don't we, kids?

Yes!

Well, too bad,

'cause you're all gonna
eat your vegetables,

listen to long stories
about my cousins,

and help me
fold sheets!

And you! You're gonna
help around the house,

take out the garbage,

and give Stewie
his bottle!

Yeah, I heard it.
They say my name

on TV all the time;
calm down, bitch.

Make me dinner,
and go rent Twilight,

and do mouth
stuff on me,

even though it's been a
day-and-a-half since I've showered,

and I've used several public
bathrooms in the interim!

Sounds like this could
go on for a while, kids.

Hey, Saggy Naggy,

I know what'll cheer you up.

Do you like pie?

I guess.

Well, how does this taste?

Well, I guess she thought

it was a no-pies-in-the-face
kind of neighborhood.

Wrong assessment
of the neighborhood, sweetheart!

And how are you today, Mr...

Pa-ti-ent?

My last name is Saunders.

That's an interesting
pronunciation.

This is Meg; she's
shadowing me today.

And boy, could she put
the applesauce away

in the commissary.
- Hi.

Little tip, Meg:
The inside of this folder

has a diagram
of the human body.

Kind of a cheat sheet.

Now see, right now,
I'm listening for cancer.

Do you mean
his heartbeat?

Maybe. Here,
you take a turn.

Wow, your heartbeat
sounds a little fast.

- Do you smoke?
- Actually, I do.

Ah, me, too.
Isn't it great?

Well, that's bad for you.

You shouldn't do it.

It raises your heart rate

and can lead
to emphysema or cancer.

- That's impressive, Meg.
- It's no big deal.

It's just stuff
I learned in health class.

Well, you're clearly
a bright, young lady.

And you've got quite a...

head on your...

shoulders.

Thanks.

Dr. Hartman, you just got
this urgent message.

Oh, dear. Prilosec, huh?

No, it's below that.

Oh.

Oh, my God.

Meg, I'm afraid
my brother

just tried to kill
himself in prison.

I-I have to go.

You're gonna have to take
things from here, I guess.

What?! What are you
talking about?

Well, you now know
about as much as I do

about this whole
doctor thing.

But I have no formal
medical training.

Ah, you'll be fine.
I think that book on the shelf

has most of the
stuff in there.

And don't forget the cheat sheet
if you need a helping...

hand.

Are we really
buying fish

at the same place
we buy tires?

And, w-what... "Fazio"?

What, is that a brand
of Blu-ray player?

Stewie, this sweatshirt
is so sophisticated.

Look, it says New York.

People will think
I'm from there.

Put your phone away;
we're at a funeral!

Oh, my God.

Look!

It's Saggy Naggy.

Boo!

You're mean.

I don't like you,
Saggy Naggy.

You stink, Saggy Naggy.

My goodness, that's
a very rude thing

to say to someone.

Calling them Saggy...

What the hell?!

Young man, what do
you think you're...

Lois, I just saw
Jessica Alba on television.

We've got 90 seconds;
let's go!

Peter, I'm not
in the mood!

That's okay. We can
do it anyway.

Peter, I was assaulted
in public because of you!

Oh, my God, what happened?!

I'll tell you
what happened.

A group of kids
attacked me at Costmart

because you portrayed
me on your show

as a raging
puppet bitch!

Writers take
from their lives.

You married a creative type.
You knew this was a risk.

What's that
supposed to mean?

Well, the last few weeks, you've
been nagging the hell out of me.

Peter, you think
I like nagging you?

One of us needs to be
an adult in this marriage,

and it's clearly not you.

Is this about me wetting
the bed just now?

Peter, don't
you understand

that I'm just looking
out for this family?

Besides, without
my nagging,

you'd probably
get yourself killed.

Or laid. Right,
frat house?

Yeah!

Those knuckleheads
should be studying.

Okay, you know what?
Fine, Peter, that's it.

From now on, I'm not
nagging you anymore.

- You're not?
- No, you're on your own.

I'm done with it.
I'm done with all of it!

Well, great, I should
probably get some sleep.

Tomorrow on Petey's Funhouse,
we're doing who's on first.

I'm gonna play
Costello,

and Abbott is gonna
be played by live puma.

Peter, that sounds
really d...

you know what?
Sounds great.

Have fun.

Thanks, Lois.
Good night.

- Lois? Other families fight,
too, right? - Not this much.

Do you think maybe
we should think about

getting a...
- It is what it is.

Let's just get Stewie to
college and go from there.

Sir, if you're gonna
want me to examine

where you're
having an issue,

you're gonna have to be more
specific than "thingee".

Okay. It's not
the front thingee.

What's going on in here?

Where's Dr. Hartman?

He had a family emergency.
I'm not really a doctor

but I've been sort of
filling in for him.

You what?!

Well, I think I want
to go into medicine,

so I was shadowing
Dr. Hartman.

I've actually
been learning a lot,

but then he just left me here!

Well, you don't belong here!

This is a professional
medical institution

with standards
and regulations to adhere to!

But, but I...

I'm gonna have to
ask you to leave.

I'm sorry.
I'll go.

My issue has
resolved itself.

And don't go anywhere, kids,

'cause coming up,
we got some classic comedy

with me and a puma.

Is Dad really gonna do this?

I told your father I was
gonna leave him alone.

Saggy Naggy is
keeping out of this.

Is the puma ready?

Maybe we should poke him with
the "is-the-Puma-ready?" stick.

Oh, my god, I can't
let him do this!

Come on, kids! We got to get
down to that TV studio!

Okay, yeah, just step on
the coloring book. That's cool.

I'm asking you
who's on first?

Oh, my God! Peter!

Cut the camera! Cut it!

Roll a
"Petey Learn-A-Long Song"!

# Kentucky is a state #

# Kentucky is a state #

# All the people there
are dicks #

# Kentucky is a state. #

Oh, he's hurt bad.
Someone call 911!

He's bleeding too much!

He needs attention now!

Somebody help him!
Do something!

Now she's nagging everyone.

Does anyone have
any medical training?!

It looks like his
jugular is severed.

I learned this
at the hospital.

Mr. Swanson, find me
a first-aid kit!

Mom, hand me those towels.

Did I hold on to the ball?

Hang in there, Dad.

I'm gonna get you fixed up.

You can do it, Meg.

Come on, Meg.
You've got to save him!

Peter, you need to let go.

L-Lois?

Oh, Peter, thank God!
You're okay.

I guess you were right
about that puma.

I don't know what
I was thinking.

I should've
listened to you.

Peter, I don't
care about that.

I acted like a real jerk,
and I'm sorry, Lois.

I know you just
get on my case

'cause you're
looking out for me.

I am, Peter.

And it's only because
I love you

and I want the best for you
and our family.

I love you, too, Lois.

Isn't anybody
gonna thank me?

Yeah, I'll have a water
if you're getting one.

Mr. Griffin,
you have a visitor.

- Hey.
- Hey. I get it now.

- "Who" is the man's name.
- Aha, ah!

== sync, corrected by elderman ==

WEB-DL Sync: VeRdiKT
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