Original subtitles

HOLLY: Come on, Boss Pro! Faster!

For fuck's sake. Here comes the big finisher. Under. Over.

THEY GRUNT Shabamala-a-a-am!

GRUNTING Pick up the pace!

Remember, fun Holly died back in Pollards.

I'm your boss and I need results.

SHE GRUNTS

One, two, three!

Crap.

THEY GROAN What? I'm cancelling our night off.

THEY PROTEST What?!

Sorry, pardon?! Again, from the top. Faster.

Faster?! Oh, for fuck's sake.

Cancelling our Friday night off is going a bit far.

You are lucky I am strongly anti-union.

That was, like, 12-out-of-ten good.

I don't give out shabamalams for just anything. Ooh! Shabamalam.

And that's even with Colonel Pathetic here as a stand-in.

Ooh, promoted from captain! Thank you.

Why isn't that bloody Hurricane diva training with us anyway?

Well, as I explained, Clifford, she is also a chef.

And, Mya, as I told you, she is also a vet.

So... busy, busy.

But she'll be there on the day and she's much faster, so pick it up.

There were still telegraphed moves, lazy bumps.

The show is not ready, for fuck's sake!

Ah, there she goes again with her famous catchphrase...

ALL: Oh, for fuck's sake!

IN HIGH-PITCHED VOICE: For fuck's sake!

This is Slamageddon.

We need to look twice as good as Nick's goons!

MYA: We do! Hols, the Nitro lot,

they're not just living rent-free in your head.

They're Airbnb-ing it, and making a profit.

For fuck... ALL: Hey!

I didn't say it. She just said it. Yeah. Definitely did. Definitely.

I... need to go and see my mum.

Uh, I'll be back in 45.

Run the whole show from the top, OK?

Yep. Yeah. Fine. No problem at all.

Absolutely no problem.

So, we all having that night off, then? Oh, yeah. Yeah.

Oh, yeah. I think we are.

ALL: # Happy birthday, Nick Nitro... Nitro!

# Me!

# Happy birthday to you To me! #

Yes! Quality!

Ha-ha! Right. Go on, then. Blow 'em out.

That's my boy. My boy, isn't he gorgeous?

Whoo! Isn't he gorgeous?

What a son, eh? Oh, for fuck's sake.

In my day, if you wanted to instil a bit of discipline in someone,

you'd piss in their boots. Easy.

No-one's gonna piss in anyone's boots, Clifford.

Just like we're not bringing back your weird old-style matches

with rules no-one understands.

Well, they couldn't be simpler.

Whoever sings the national anthem loudest

begins with what's called Grimble's Advantage. Now...

Right, I'm going for a Balti. What are youse doing tonight, lads?

Uh, not a lad. It's actually a big LARPing night.

We're building an effigy of the Norse dragon Lord Fafnir

in order to absorb his powers.

We each contributed an element to his mighty frame.

DRAGON ROARS, DRAMATIC MUSIC

Oh, dear. MYA: No, Cliff.

Your ideas are either old and dull or scary and weird.

There's nothing weird about slicing up my forehead

with a razor blade mid-match.

Adds a bit of colour, and the kids love it.

What about you, Jack? Oh, it's Jack's big date.

First one since the divorce.

OK, not technically a divorce. Um...

Hey, you should use me chat up line.

Wanna play birthmark or rash?

Or ask them if they like food.

Or just whap it out.

Uh, no. No, thank you.

I-I-I don't wanna feel everyone over my shoulder.

I thought mostly I'd just try to say as little as possible,

but to make things spicy...

..this spicy bottle of red.

96 out of 100 in Wine Spectator, but only 5.99 in Aldi.

Wow.

You are part of the snowflakiest generation on record.

And you know what the snowflakes killed? Dinosaurs.

Men of my standing, we were hell-raisers.

One tour, I drank solidly from Sun up to Sun down,

and do you know why that was impressive?

It was in Iceland.

Eight weeks, that was, and I didn't miss a show.

You do realise nowadays it's cool to not drink?

Pfft. But if we went shot for shot,

your wrinkly arse would be unconscious.

Sounds like a drinking contest to me.

Care to formalise it in blood with my lucky razor blade?

There's no-one more screwed up than a pro-wrestler

who went to boarding school. Mm-hm?

Thanks for the gin fusion, Saima.

Oh, and, uh, if Mrs Tothill sadly passes,

could you do us a Tramadol?

Oh, and her handbag. Uh, yeah.

Right, mustn't keep you.

Got a bit of a busy night.

Busy? You're in hospital.

Stelios, the night porter,

is dropping by later to, uh, plump me pillows. Big hands.

Cheers, Mum. Do the rest of

my presents later, yeah? Yeah.

You know, you haven't been to visit Mum once in a month.

Oh, Holly, don't. He's got lots on.

Yeah. See, running a successful company actually keeps you busy.

Yeah, you're doing very well, aren't you, love?

You know it's my birthday tomorrow?

Day after Nick's, like... every year?

Course.

That's why I've got you, erm, erm... this.

Yeah. Chewing gum?

Nicotine. It-It-It's from Saudi, so it's dead strong.

So, you doing anything nice with your evening?

Well, I... Yeah, we've got a show.

It's gonna be massive... like my dick.

GAGS Oh, he's like his dad, in that way.

Your old man was like two cans of Tenants.

What is wrong with the pair of you?

What?! I-I might have... Oh, bloody hell.

Shot for shot until someone gives, and to keep things interesting,

we'll play bragging rights with pints downed in one.

SCOFFS I hate beer.

Good thing I won't be drinking any.

Mm, big talk from a little... Round one.

HOLLY: I'm back!

How are you all getting on? DOOR CLOSES

Guys, my night cannot get any...

Oh, come on! MANGO IN DISTANCE: Hello?! Hello?!

Ah! Hey, Holly!

Mango. Come to preview some Boss Pro action?

Ah, no. Uh, sorry.

I'm heading over to Nick Nitro's show, actually, out of respect.

Um, I came to see if anyone was heading over that way.

Yeah, but they're all busy. Busy?

Uh, Bertha went LARPing, Mya and Clifford are drinking,

Woodhouse is working, and Ben's gone for his tea.

It was all in GWONK's daily update, "Grappling With Gossip".

Who cares what the boss wants, eh?

The Hurricane was mysteriously absent.

Oh, and Jack has a date.

Jack has a date?

I actually stumbled on his profile, after forensically searching for it.

"Dislikes - a haphazard and tardy approach

"to email system and filing."

I totally agree. Personally, I'm inbox zero,

but at the very least, have an out of office.

"Height, 5'11''... and three fifths."

And you're exactly the same height as in your bio.

"Likes - democracy."

So, who do you vote for?

"Seeks... true love."

Well, I mean, who'd wanna go out with that?

Can I bring you some menus?

BOTH: Actually, I already checked online.

I'll give you a moment.

Well, this is very nice. Very, very nice.

Ben? All right, Jack?

Don't mind me, pal. I'm not even here.

You done with them chutneys?

Down that pint if you haven't crashed a wedding.

Got off with the mother of the bride.

Conducted the ceremony and got booked for three more.

Jack?!

You're popular. That's quite extraordinarily-untrue.

How are you, Mya?

Are you done with them poppadoms? Yeah.

Cliff.

Which is how I came to own

three of Lewis Capaldi's empty beer cans.

PHONE CHIMES Ah, new poster art.

I bought a spare Nitro wrestling ticket

for a GWONK-etition winner... and no-one entered.

Would you like it? CHUCKLES

The only reason I'd go is to ruin his...

Yes. Uh, yes, I will take the ticket. Thanks.

I'm sorry. They're just unnerving me.

I understand that, but they're not my friends,

they're not unnerving me unduly.

Now... Ah-ha! ..I brought us a little something.

It's scored 96 out of 100 in Wine Spectator, but was only...

BOTH: ..5.99 in Aldi!

For once, I'm gonna fuck one of Nick's birthdays up.

CLATTERING It's actually... quite dark.

Why would you ask that question if you knew you hadn't done it?

I thought I had done it.

And if you hadn't fact-checked it online... Nah, busted!

Riding to the ring on a stolen milk float

was "The Whistling Werewolf" Johnny Rollerblades.

God, that was a confusing gimmick. Um...

CLEARS THROAT ..by the way, have you ever...

Have you ever spoken to that Masked Hurricane?

How are youse? How do you reckon Jack's date is gonna go?

Here's exactly what I reckon.

Whilst Cliff was on the loo - against the rules by the way -

I started a book with odds for the night.

"20 to one, gets a boner and cries." That's bang out of order.

Stick a fiver on that, and 30 quid says they're done within the hour.

Legend.

OK, Jack, you just need to breathe.

Like this bottle of reasonably-priced spicy red wine.

Jack? Ooh! Bertha. What is this?

Oh, um, the upstairs function room is transforming into Fafnir's Lair

via the magic of LARPing, and, um, a lava lamp.

Fafnir's Lair? You look extraordinary.

Aw! Check this out. CLEARS THROAT

I bless you both with my flaps. Unexpected.

The, um, chains are attached to my actual nipples.

WOMAN: Aww, thanks, Nick!

Paid for a ticket to see some proper wrestling, did you?

No, but I did! Happy birthday, Nick.

I made you this card. OK. Thanks, Mary.

It's Mango. You're so welcome. OK.

Sold out crowd chanting my name.

Gonna be the best birthday ever.

Oh, wait! Whoa! Hang on, hang on, hang on!

No hats or headgear.

I'm not... Wait, you're joking.

Just following the rules, Hols.

So, if you want to see the show, then, uh...

CLICKS TONGUE ..gonna have to take 'em off.

Fine.

Oh, my God! She's actually done it! LAUGHS

As if her fake ears are a hat. Wow! Reject!

Change of plan. I'm not gonna ruin the show.

I'm gonna stop it fucking happening.

Can I stick a tenner on panic attack...

with an ambulance call?

Yes! Yes.

BREATHES UNEVENLY

Four people I work with back-to-back showing up here, I just...

Jack, you've apologised on average once every 45 seconds.

At least the night can't get any stranger.

Welcome to Hot, Hot, Hot Tandoori.

My name is... Rishi. Ah! Hi, Jack.

Due to my journalistic integrity,

I can't be part of these shenanigans.

Plus, Nick and I have a real connection.

Do you know who should be here for this? My team.

SHE SIGHS

But they don't wanna hang out with me,

even though they're a bunch of anti-social weirdos.

You know why?

Cos you call them a bunch of anti-social weirdos?

Not that I'd ever do this,

but have you considered sneaking through the front door,

wearing this hi-vis jacket, holding this clipboard,

and saying you're with St John's ambulance?

WHISPERS: Lewis Capaldi's dressing room smells of figs.

As we're all here, except for Jill,

who's apparently driving a mobility scooter

wrong way up the M1,

it's my birthday, I booked a stripper.

So, a fiver in, tenner if you wanna watch, yeah? Quality.

# Partying, clubbing Wrestling, shisha

# Get yourself to Bubblez Better than 'Biza

# Partying, clubbing Wrestling, shisha

# Get down to Bubblez Better than 'Biza

# What, what? Yeah

# What's my name? Nick Nitro

# Say it louder... #

How are you working here?

Ah, check it. I'm a jobbie.

Legally, the wage I accepted,

I'm on an ultra-short-term apprenticeship.

Rishi is also a friend?

And he's also called Woodhouse.

And a friend of Jack's is a friend of Rishi and Woodhouse's.

30% off until Sunday third.

Oh, yeah! I picked one of those up in training.

Yeah, got a bloody stack of 'em.

Do I get paid to distribute the flyers? No.

Is it a requirement? You betcha.

All your friends have flyers. Jack, it's strange that you don't.

I didn't want you to think I was too thrifty.

There's no such thing as too thrifty.

Oh, I'm getting paid two thrifty per hour, minus commish.

GRUNTS ANGRILY

CONTINUES GRUNTING

# Rest and shisha Get down to Bubbles

# Better than Ibiza... #

ALL CHANT QUIETLY: Fafnir. Fafnir.

Fafnir. Fafnir.

OK, Jack, thanks for all this, but I've matched with someone else

and I'm meeting them

for a drink now. Oh.

Joking! This isn't even close to the worst date I've been on.

Do you have any idea how bad men are?

We are... statistically bad.

MYA: Rock, paper, scissors!

Now, I'd like to read you an excerpt from my unpublished novel.

Oh. I'm... I'm joking too!

THEY LAUGH Huh, huh, huh! Argh!

I haven't tried the lamb bhuna.

Round 12.5? Mm.

You know what I think, Cliffy boy? Mm.

We're not that different. Mm.

Both hustlers. Both don't know how to back down.

But... I bet we both haven't borrowed an animal from a zoo.

Penguin - dare on a school trip.

Pair of anteaters - long story.

THEY LAUGH

Oh! Ah! It's like Holly, you know?

Girl does not know how to quit.

Pam says, "You don't wrestle,"

but between us, Bertha told me Holly's the Masked Hurricane.

What a legend!

MAN: Oi!

MANGO: Hey, Holly! Doors have opened.

Oh, and the proper ring's in the big room.

They have two rings?

Pamela, about Holly, I've got something to tell you.

Well, I'd rate tonight's final hour a solid 8.3 out of ten.

I have 8.6, but then you've not had my advantage.

Advantage? Being able to look into your eyes.

Well, after 900 calories of carbohydrates,

let's push the boat out even further.

Think I know what it's time for.

ALL CHANT QUIETLY: Fafnir...

I provide Fafnir's skull.

I provideth Fafnir's tail.

I provideth Fafnir's...

Reasonably-priced bottle of Malbec?

Hope you've got room for this.

HE GASPS, SHE GASPS

HE WHISPERS: I don't know what that is.

Oh, Jack, I thought this date was going well,

but now it's perfect.

I know, I'm so sor... Pardon?

It'd like you've been reading my incognito browsing tabs.

Thank you for introducing this to me.

Well, no. It-It's not for you.

Oh, even better. I've never pegged a man.

But I yearn to peg.

I-I don't yearn. I-I-I yearn not!

My God! Yes!

You send very mixed signals, Jack.

I'd say you should put that in your profile,

but you'd only write it in a misleading way.

Let's not make this a totally wasted evening.

Ooh!

Oi, Jack! That cost me 250 quid.

Go and fucking get it.

NICK LAUGHS NICK: Heard they kicked

a sad little loser out the club.

If it isn't the reject!

Show went brilliant, by the way.

Everyone loved the voddy sour apple smell in the photo ring.

HE SNIFFS Class.

Oh, come on, Hols. Give us a laugh.

Sign me something funny, eh? It's my birthday.

Actually, it's Holly's birthday after midnight, which is...

..now. Jesus. Just look at 'em.

It's like a walking charity shop, innit?

And you should be ashamed of yourself, Nicholas Nitrogen.

Pfft! Ashamed? Well, you're the twats being led by this reject.

If Holly's a reject, then so am I.

Literally - just got rejected, actually.

Yeah, proud to be a reject, mate. You know what? Me too.

Reject Rishi reporting for duty.

Me and Cliff are rejects too. I don't think I...

Shut up, is what we're saying. Yep.

Well, there you go, Nick.

Rejects assembled. Now what?

SCOFFS Whatever.

Come on. Let's go back to the club.

I'm gonna buy drinks for fit uni students all night long,

so fuck youse all later!

Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. Not my sister.

Wait, or you two.

Wait, or the blokes, obviously. Nitro... out!

Look at this fucking shit here.

SHE LAUGHS

# Happy birthday, dear Holly... #

Ah!

# Happy birthday to you! #

THEY CHEER

THEY CHANT: Boss! Boss! Boss! Boss! Boss! Boss! Boss!

Come on! CHANTING CONTINUES

Hey!

Boss! Boss! Boss! Boss! CHANTING CONTINUES

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