Original subtitles

HE GRUNTS

Make contact. Or it looks fake.

Faster. Cliff, pretend to hit that woman properly

or I'm off.

Uh, uh, where you going?

Fine.

A key part of training that Holly overlooks is resting the heart.

What is that fan saying about me?

Nothing to report from the Boss camp,

but, Nick must have been reading my thoughts. Stop it.

Because he's just dropped a new advert.

Hair mousse, look, tan, ten out of ten.

What's my name? Nick Nitrogen.

If you wanna come party with me, bring your ID... if you're a bloke.

It's weird what you can do with a budget of more than...

absolutely no money.

Budgets are for boomers.

All I need is my phone and that shit CCTV I installed

after that bloke tried to steal our roof.

Look, Holly wanted an advert that would sell out Slamageddon,

and I wanted to expand my ad agency's portfolio.

And by "expand", I mean start. I look best in 8K.

Yes, Jack! You're getting it!

Yes!

Twist it!

Without an audience my anxiety goes away...

Jack, without an audience it's not a show and nobody gets paid.

Our break-out space.

We think the smell's from an underground pool

of old cattle blood.

You all right, Pam?

I didn't know the hospital had discharged you.

Neither did they. Told the doctor I was going for a shit.

Oh.

Right, let's get on. Got poxy surgery in an hour.

And that's our third wasps nest.

But don't worry, seems the, er, paint fumes keep them docile.

Either that or they're planning something.

Jack's looking half decent. This will look great in the promo.

Mum, aren't you supposed to be...?

Don't get your tiny tits in a tizzy, I'm all ready.

Listen, if they're paying you to be here,

you're still being ripped off.

Hey, Pam's watching, do something cool. Whoa. Oof.

So your performance as The Ranger was a fluke, then.

Shouldn't rely on ridiculous costumes, it's embarrassing.

This is the saddest thing I've ever seen.

And yesterday, the bloke in the bed opposite mine

had his chap stuck in a milk bottle.

Mum, don't worry. No, I'm not.

No, I mean, you might have lost us the tour and set up shop in

a fucking shit hole, but... I reckon things'll be all right.

We've still got our one guaranteed money maker - Slamageddon.

And if there's one person I trust to look after things until I get back,

it's my old mate, Enrique.

DOOR BANGS OPEN

WESTERN MUSIC PLAYS

Ah. SHE CHUCKLES

Looks like someone let the cat out of the place for legends.

Enrique The Panther. Well, soil my singlet.

Dad? Mum?

That's your dad?!

Meet your new governor.

I came here for Pamela, for Boss Pro Wrestling and...

For me?

..slightly more money.

ENRIQUE AND PAM LAUGH

OK. Everyone, gather round, I've seen enough.

Listen up.

Large and in Charge, you got the look.

Chunky Thighs, mm, you've got some moves, man.

Cliff, my old, old, old...

old friend, you got the experience, hm?

But all of your steaks need a little bit

of my Argentinian chimichurri, hm?

Guapita, your big show has got potential,

to be a load of mierda! What are you showing them, huh?

Oh, you know, wrestling, focusing on the fundamentals, the substance.

Substance, substance.

All I'm hearing is, "I ain't got no style," uh.

Dull Man, what is the secret of being a good wrestler, hm?

Um, er, mastery of the imploding 450.

No-no, the corkscrew 450... or the imploding corkscrew 450...?

Uh-ah! Wrong!

Charisma. What's your gimmick, huh?

You wanna be a cool guy, wear cool clothes like me, hm?

Or a stallion at the peak of fitness?

Also like me, hm?

Your fans, they need to love you, but also they need to hate you.

But above all, they need to buy the merchandise of you.

HE LAUGHS

Yes.

Now... I go powder my nose.

HE SNIFFS

Hey... Dad.

Eight years, whoo, love it.

Fancy some father/son training?

How do you fancy leaving me to my own business, huh?

Ah! Only joking. Ah.

S-So you will train...?

Listen up, everybody!

I want to see if you've got what it takes

when it comes to the art of the promo.

Let me show you how it's done. Huh.

Your days of being led by a little girl

are well and truly over,

because now you've got me -

the leanest, meanest, sex machine-est,

panther tattoo, with a panther penis.

Enrique! Ai-ai-ai!

Hello, are we running?

My name's Berthalonicus and...

There's no-one more thrilling for your shilling.

Are you scared? You should be scared.

Five-foot-seven of fury.

I'd like to start by addressing the structural

and systemic advantages...

Can I just pose?

Cigarette? Anything you like. Dinner time.

I'll wait, um, but I'm ready.

Let's have lunch!

In conclusion, I...

Hey. Oh.

Hey. Eh, don't be embarazado.

No, it's OK, I get it.

Hey, dull man, bit of friendly advice, huh.

Quit. Now.

You have zero talent...

..zero charisma, zero chimichurri. Now, go.

Go. Go, go. Let's continue this lesson at the bar.

CHEERING What did he say?

No. Um...

Charisma, charisma.

HE EXHALES

Come on!

Yep.

When literally no-one's watching, you're fairly good.

Gosh, er... I-I came to, er, do the bins. Sure.

I came to change a light bulb (!)

Fuck off and wrestle me. Yes, no, but...

It's just, I personally don't believe that people are disabled,

I believe it's society which disables other peop...

HE GRIMACES

I mean, if your mum saw you do this, surely she'd let you do a show?

If she saw me doing this, she'd be, like,

"Get the hell out that ring, you're broken enough."

Then have another massive heart attack at me.

Jack, I'm not made of glass.

Oh, really? Because I, er, saw through that move.

Was that... banter?

D'you know, I think it actually might have been bant... Argh!

CHEERING

Go pay. Oh.

Now, I want to tell you how I became

the most popular bad guy of 1982.

There was this fantastic little thing

called The Falklands War.

LAUGHTER

Ooh, yeah.

Cheers, pal.

I didn't hear that. You wanna call yourself Back Rammer?

Oh, er, no, er, Jack Hammer. Oh.

It's, um, sort of a pun.

Give me an elbow.

What about your name? If it wouldn't kill your mother.

Never really thought about it.

Yeah, right. And I... eat crisps.

Come on.

Hurricane Holly?

Go on.

And I'd come out with a cape on...

..with, like, spirals and shit.

Like a... Like a... Like a hurricane.

Hurricane Holly, it's perfect.

CRASHING

Whoa. Didn't see the floor there.

Oh. Hey, guys.

Dad's officially gonna train me and I quote, "At some point".

Pure skill. Maxed out my debit card,

so just grabbed the old emergency credit cardo.

He ordered a round of doubles for the whole bar.

HE LAUGHS

Absolute legend!

CRASHING

Families are bullshit.

Hols, you missed out...

..on a bunch of long, boring stories.

I reckon the guys are gonna wake up

from their South American siesta pretty...

Oh, God.

So, we hold him down, we shave off one eyebrow,

we strip him totally naked,

then we call his wife to tell her he died in a fire.

THEY LAUGH

Sorry, what had his guy done?

It was his birthday.

THEY LAUGH

It was a proper wrestler's night out.

Shots, shags, one almost arrest...

and that was just Enrique.

THEY LAUGH

Don't forget the, er, party back at mine afterwards.

So epic he couldn't even hear me shouting through the letterbox!

Oh, gracias.

So, Enrique, Woodhouse tells me you're finally gonna train him.

When? Oh, princess-ita...

When the vibe is right.

I'd be happy to train Woodhouse.

Jack'll train him. Wow, Enrique, I guess you're yesterday's news.

Woodhouse, we train tonight.

I'm up for it, Daddio.

Slept off most of me hangover in the front garden.

In fact, I'm gonna give you my word on something else, too. Here.

Everyone.

ENRIQUE CLAPS HIS HANDS Everyone, listen up.

Girl George, Muscles, Eton Mess, you are beautiful,

but we have a problem -

three is not enough to pull off Slamtasia.

Slamageddon. Whatever you say, sweetie.

So, Enrique here is gonna do you all a favour -

step into the ring and wrestle!

You'd really be our fourth wrestler?

If by "fourth" you mean headliner, and 50% of the back end?

Then, yes. No.

Sorry, muchacha, I make the rules.

We have more than three wrestlers.

Jack. Actual...

We actually have Jack.

HE is not fit to lick my balls.

That's not the saying, but yes, he is.

Is he now? Well, why doesn't he get up there and show me.

Oh, I think he will.

What am I about to do? Showcase match, Jack.

No ball licking. Right, OK.

Thanks. Good.

Wait. Wait. Sorry, what?

Stepping into the ring, lean, mean,

blah, blah, weird tattoo, Enrique!

And his opponent, introducing the Jack Hammer!

WESTERN MUSIC PLAYS

OK, Zuckerberg, it's on. Grrr!

15 minutes.

HE PANTS

Jack, are you gonna let an aging opportunist

with three fake hips take your spot?

Don't you want people to see what you can do?

I do, but I'm also focused on the cleaning rota,

ironing the ring apron, and... Jack... I get it.

I know she left you with a whole crowd of wedding guests

to apologise to...

..but in the words of your ex,

after she left you for your brother....

You can cry before, during or after love making, just pick one.

I regret having shared that.

She said, "Just bloody get over it", right?

So get in that ring and fight for your future.

And by fight, I mean pretend to fight, but you know,

do it well.

What a day. My pal versus my pop.

And then, the dad panther training me later.

But first, some warm up for you. Wait.

You run to this address,

you lift a big box from a very angry woman's flat.

Oh, er... sure.

Wow, that's... far.

Mm. Then, it's my treat to you. You like pizzas?

Yeah. You buy some pizzas and I eat them with you.

Go. Oh. Yeah.

HE SIGHS

Jack, you know the trailers are meant to make Boss Pro look... good.

It's just a LITTLE training match.

Listen. You do any moves even slightly wrong,

I'm a gonna beat the shit out of you for real.

We're all behind you.

Break his fingers as a prank?

Predictions. Jack's fucked it.

Jack! Can't do this.

Jack, get over it!

Here comes the Jack Hammer.

I can do this. Grrrr.

I can do this.

I panic ran, didn't I?

Well, well, well.

Has the patient recovered from little bitch-itis?

I've got no time for snowflakes,

unless of course you're talking about my beloved cocaine.

Right, time to get back in the game.

Look, look at me. Now, look at me. You just need...

No! Stop!

You can't tell me to just bleeping get over it.

That's like me telling you to just bleeping HEAR perfectly.

All expenses covered, you say?

Ah. Er, will my name be bigger than El Tigre?

Si. You got this panther's attention. Ha-ha.

Well, it's been mucho joy, compadres, but I done here.

Why? Er, sorry, dragoncita.

This panther is pouncing on a sweeter gig -

South American Wrestling Legends Tour,

Hispanic Panic! Kicking off in Blackpool.

So... I follow my one true love - slightly more money.

Adios. Grrrr.

Pauline, my Blackpool babe, uh. Long time no see, huh?

Yeah. Tonight, fancy a bit of Netflix and anal sex,

if you know what I mean? He-he.

See you later, C-3P-shit.

Oh, and have fun with the Old Age Pisshead,

Jabba The Gut, and Ben, probably the most stupid wrestler

I've ever met in my life,

which is saying something cos I have met Captain Fire Trousers.

My God, look at you.

You're pathetic, just like that useless waste of my spunk.

That semen's name is Woodhouse, and you promised you'd train him.

And what are you, the keeper of the diary?

Well, yes. I also do the bins.

HE SCOFFS

If you promised you'd do something, you should do it.

Don't teach me how to be a dad.

Who do you think you are, various social workers?

No, I think I'm the one who has to go in there

and apologise to those 100 wedding guests, to-to everyone.

What are you gonna do, little jack off, uh?

You can't even get in the ring without pissing your pants, uh.

When you gonna stand up for yourself, huh?

There's nobody else here, nobody's watching, uh.

And that's how I do the bins.

'With the Old Aged Pisshead, Jabba The Gut, and Ben,

'probably the most stupid wrestler I've ever met in my life.'

D'you know, I thought Enrique was sound,

but hearing him properly slag us all off behind our backs

makes me think he's sort of a... Massive prick?

Ah, the thing with Enrique is that he is totally sound,

but he's also a massive prick.

And now the jammy bastard's living it up

with his South American pals. About that.

Some footage from my phone,

featuring my finest Duolingo Spanish,

got mysteriously sent to his new employers

and then leaked to the internet.

Enrique... Mm.

Que quieres beber?

REGIONAL ENGLISH ACCENT: Aye? Eh, no,

you can forget all of that mumbo jumbo.

I only know about five words.

No, my real name's Richard Bollingsworth.

I'm from Hartlepool. What?

Aye, but don't tell the taxman, aye? Shh!

He was lying. He's...

The panther has now been dropped from the Hispanic Panic tour

and his whereabouts are unknown.

Next stop, Boss Pro Wrestling have just uploaded

their own trailer. It looks amazing!

MUSIC: 'Bonkers' by Dizzee Rascal

Mya, you are spectacular.

Well, Jack gave us the hero shot.

I'm never letting him touch me again. I feel...

Is that a real beard? No.

How do you know? I do. Really?

Arsehole! How would you know? I grow...

Ah, that's why. That's not a real beard, I should have seen it.

Apology accepted.

And, I-I owe you one, too.

Enrique was right about one thing, though.

We could use another wrestler. Especially if...

Something will turn up.

Wanna get really drunk?

Oh, I'm afraid I've got plans.

Oh, um... OK.

Sorry, I know were expecting your dad to be here.

I also thought he was South American.

Nice to see him, though. Oh.

I've got a bit of a problem, too.

I was hoping to train with a pal.

But all I can see...

..is a best pal.

Ready to learn some moves?

I may have just eaten a double XL pizza.

Yes, I am... BP.

And just bounce off. Three steps.

Yeah, nice, OK. PHONE ALERT TONE

Yes, I've got an Etsy order.

Wrestling costume. Capes with a spiral for The Masked Hurricane.

Shit name.

Oh, hoo-hoo-hoo!

Yeah, doesn't hurt.

Yeah, I mean, it will tomorrow. Oh.

Yeah. Yeah, BP!

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