Original subtitles

DISTORTED HUMMING

UPBEAT MUSIC

Whoo!

Oh!

HE ROARS

Boo!

And that is Boss Pro, the baddest wrestling in town.

Now, for something very special.

Entering the ring...

Hurricane Holly!

Oi! Holly! No, down!

That's how you did yourself in in the first place!

Leave the wrestling to your brother!

It's the teenage dream.

It's Nick Nitro!

MUSIC: 'The One and Only' by Chesney Hawkes

# I am the one and only

# Nobody I'd rather be

# I am the one and only... #

Come on!

# You can't take that away from me. #

Come on, then! Waa!

LIVELY GUITAR RIFF

Duck one.

Over the back.

Off the ropes?

Gorilla press.

SHE SIGHS You're kidding.

They've stolen my routine.

Surely your brother and your boyfriend wouldn't both...

Yeah, that is the slam you invented.

Nick! Nick! Nick!

CHEERING

Three! BELL RINGS

Come on, then! Whoo!

Suck it!

Did your brother just tell you to suck his...?

Classic Nick. We've got this silly running joke

where he calls me Floater and pretends I'm his servant. HE CHUCKLES

Dead funny.

And just to remind you,

it's only five quid for a photo with Nick Nitro,

plus entry to the Meat Raffle.

Out next, she's genuinely a nut job.

It's Jill the Ripper!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

I don't... I don't... I don't think she quite heard you there.

Come on, big it up for Jill the Ripper!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Oh, I look like a right cu...

HE COUGHS Where is she?

No-one's seen Jill.

I've called the police station, the tattoo parlour,

that solvents factory... Listen, you Pound Shop Mormon,

I've got a woman's match starting out there in 30 seconds' time,

so unless you can grow some tits, get out of my way!

Mum, I've got tits. You need a female wrestler.

You know I'm trained. Please, just for once!

For once, can you let me out there!

Hols, petal, the rule's there for a reason.

You...

don't...

wrestle!

'Leave the wrestling to your brother!'

I've cleaned the toilets.

It's not my job, but somebody just had to.

Also, Holly, it's not my place to say,

but really it should've been you wrestling,

instead of that second bonus meat raffle.

Jack, Jack. Let's talk debuts.

I figured we'll want to be a tag team,

which means we'll need a name.

I've been thinking Long and Hard. What do you reckon?

You'd be Long, I'd be Hard, and my catchphrase, "Shablazzo!"

Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes!

Now then, now then... Do you know what, yeah?

Sometimes, I am actually almost gutted that I am not gay,

because I honestly reckon

I would get a massive boner watching me wrestle.

I still do get boners, though. Like, easily.

Hey, Floater.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!

Get back in the B-zone unless you're summoned.

With Scotch eggs, do you reckon they just feed the chickens breadcrumbs?

Right, that'll do Floater. Jack, Jack, Jack, Jack, Jack.

You know who's been, erm, talking all about the progress

that you've been making during training. No, who?

No-one! HE LAUGHS

Oh, there it is.

Hey! Chlamydia alert!

So, erm, I heard that Holly, the reject,

tried to get on the show,

but she got rejected, because she's a reject.

You stole my moves. You and Si?

What, me and your ex? HE SCOFFS

I did you a favour, Hols. Mum won't let you in a ring.

Only lets you train out of pity, so hardly gonna use 'em, were you?

I said ex, yeah. Did you, erm...? Did you hear me?

There you go, Si.

Told you it would be nice and easy if I broke the news.

He was ashamed, you know, that he was seeing you.

Nick, that's it!

I've had enough of you and your twattishness

and your vain bullshit! I've never had lip fillers.

What? What?

I was talking about your pathetic codpiece.

It's not pathe... I-I...

I don't have a codpiece, right? And, Si...

Just cos the bloke who makes your gear does it for free,

cos you posed for those photos, you're not all that.

He's hotter than you. Oh, well, I'm, erm...

Erm... Right, yes, no.

PS, your breath stinks,

because the protein you buy off Mya, dodgy as fuck.

Sorry, dodgy?

Then, why has it been used by four out of five Grand National winners?

Roxy! God, you're terrifying.

I was just using him for incredibly average sex,

so you're welcome to bang him. NICK CHUCKLES

Well, they already have.

Plus, we all had a threesome in Bognor. Quality.

You absolute mingers. You deserve each other.

Young, dumb and full of cum.

Whatever, mate, because you know what, right?

You've got loads of time to just sit around, right,

and... And... And... And think of, erm,

of words, because you don't wrestle.

Hey, Holly? FEEDBACK FROM EARPIECE

Can you hear me? SHE SCREAMS

SHE SHRIEKS Mum. Mum.

Listen, no-one said the meat in the raffle was edible.

That's on you.

Please, I'm trying. Mum, I'm gonna quit... Boom!

Oh, Nicky, my love.

Mum, listen to me. No, Mum, listen to me.

Sure. Nick first, just like with the bathwater.

I'm quitting. You what?

Yep. Taking all this lot with me, starting my own tour.

I'm teaming up with this bloke, Rajesh,

owns all of Bubblez nightclubs.

I've been going to his freshers nights for the last 15...

Couple. Last... Last couple of years.

Now, I've been saying no for a while, Mum,

because I, I'm loyal to you.

But tonight, Holly, she gave me no choice

when she ganged up on me...

and Si and Roxy...

and Bulk...

and Tiny.

So we're off. All of you?

My Boss Pro wrestlers? No.

No, no, no, no, no. We're Nitro Wrestling now, Mum.

I'm sorry...

is what Holly should be saying to you!

Come on, guys, let's go.

To Skegness.

Great (!) Oh.

Mum?

I definitely should've gone first.

AMBULANCE BEEPS

I've been told I've not got long left.

Nurse'll be back in ten minutes, then I'm off the fags.

You shouldn't have pushed him away, Hols. He's impulsive!

Spur of the moment! Impulsive?

He's got tour dates and a theme tune.

You can knock that up with... apps.

I've lost the company I've spent my whole life building...

..and I've lost my only child.

Son, only son.

You don't have to lose anything.

I can run Boss and, if we're short, then I can...

Don't even say.

I'm not having you end up in the bed next to me.

Mum, I'm 25 now.

I've learnt not to throw myself headfirst onto breezeblocks.

I could wrestle! Don't you think you've done enough?

Just... shut the company down.

We've got another night at New Brighton

and then the rest of the tour. Not without Nick and the lads.

You can lead a horse to water, but you can't make it wrestle.

Actually, that's not strictly true.

I did teach a horse to wrestle back in '83.

Absolute disaster.

I need you to sort this, Hols.

I will, erm... Mum. I-I will, erm, cancel the tour.

We're doing the tour.

Really? Shablazzo!

Mum thinks I've destroyed her company,

but, tomorrow, I'm gonna save it.

Hey, before I take on the biggest challenge of my life,

we should go for a drink.

Oh. I mean, wow.

That's, erm...

Ah, right, yeah.

No, it's him again. Yeah, that makes sense.

I wish you well.

I've done the maths and to make up the numbers,

I'm pretty sure Holly's gonna need me to wrestle tonight,

but I'm just not ready.

Sure you are. You just need a gimmick.

Ah! The Divorce-o!

Again, it wasn't a divorce. We were engaged,

and then her fencing instructor, my brother...

Living the dream, day one.

Woodhouse, shift! Can do! Shotgun back seat!

Did you have a nice evening? Sorry?

Oh, sorry. Did you have a nice evening? Not a classic.

Turned out to be a close-up magician.

I feel dirty.

Grand-da, I've left your tablets out.

Oh, and my orc helmet's drying on the kitchen table,

so don't pick it up by the horns!

No-one knows about Mum yet, so, shh!

Move! Shotgun left seat.

Oh! All right?

It's not blackmail!

Look, do me a free shawarma, you get five stars on TripAdvisor.

Woodhouse, move! Shotgun middle.

Sorry I'm late, folks, I was jogging.

Accidentally joined a marathon.

Two hours 43.

I did stop for lunch, though.

Oh, Woodhouse, pal. No wozzes.

Shotgun boot! Good man.

Belt, mirror.

Oh, erm, "Think bike"...

Jack, can you whizz us past the GUM clinic?

It was a... It was a big LARPing weekend.

The crotchless armour that I designed

was a bit hit with the elven and the warlock communities.

Crotchless? I swear, nerds are too fucking horny.

I'll go for a swab, as well.

I went for a sports massage, she ended up jumping on.

Keeps happening. I've gotta go clinic, too.

Si had a threesome with Nick and Roxy.

Hello, just checking to see

if I've caught anything off my own brother.

That's disgusting.

Living the dream (!)

Hiya, Cliff. Ready to wrestle?

Never felt better.

Morning, all. Where are the grown-ups?

So sorry to hear Pam has been hospitalised

and Nick's taken most of the wrestlers

to form a new company called Nitro Wrestling.

THEY ALL CHATTER

It's only an hour show!

We can swap in and out to make up the numbers.

Hols, I know you want to do this for your mum

and we're glad she's not... un-alive, but look around you.

This lot are either too green, too grey, too neurotic, too chaotic,

too aggressive, or too crap.

I guess I am pretty aggressive.

Listen, only an idiot would want to be a wrestler.

Long hours, short careers.

Risking your life for a pretend fight.

But it's also the greatest show in the world

and we are idiots, because we love it!

Now, are you idiots ready to show

St Arnold's Community Centre and Baths what we can do?

Because I sure am!

THEY MUTTER UNENTHUSIASTICALLY

I can't hear you!

Oh. Oh, no, not cause of me ears,

cos, erm, I'm trying to be inspirational.

THEY MUTTER

And I don't have chlamydia. Me, neither.

I'm going to have to phone those warlock blacksmiths.

And that elf queen.

And that Uber driver.

CHANTING: Boss Pro Wrestling!

Boss Pro Wrestling!

Boss Pro Wrestling!

Oh, the three most dangerous types of punter are all out there.

Squaddies, hen party, old ladies

and I think the mother of the bride might be all three.

Great, we have a show! Mya!

How do you feel about being the world's first referee and MC?

I'll update my LinkedIn!

Woodhouse, you're not ready to wrestle,

but how would you feel about selling the merch,

not just unloading it?

Within yards of the ring? Mm-hmm.

The Woodhouse family legacy beckons. And we'd be sorted

if someone would go on as the Ranger.

Oh, the Power Ranger? Powerful Ranger.

Since Mum's court case. That's a great idea.

It's fun, popular and can be played by any...

Oh, uh... HE RETCHES

Holly, this new armour's actually quite freeing.

I reckon I could definitely wrestle in it.

Hols, I'm getting hangry.

I panicked and used the vending machine without looking.

Turns out it only does swimming caps.

I'm bleedin' starving. PHONE BUZZES

Um, erm...

DISTORTED CRACKLE

Nick, I can't hear you. I can't read your lips.

'Reject!' Eurgh.

Read these lips.

HE SCREAMS Oh, fuck!

SHE CHUCKLES

CROWD CHANT

This costume really could do with being taken in.

Shall I do that

and then we could try this again in, say, a week or so? Shut up.

Mya, you're up. I'm in the same boat, mate.

Never done this before. Completely bricking it.

New Brighton! CHEERING

Come on!

Are you ready for some backbreaking, risk-taking,

high flying, piledriving, line-up completely changed,

wrestling?!

First up, the Gentleman Grappler,

Clifford Baxter!

Remember, wrestling's like jazz.

Part improvised, part collaborative and much more fun when you're drunk.

Get out there, lad, you'll be fine.

Versus the Powerful Ranger!

Jack, this is your dream. You want to wrestle!

At some point!

I want to be a grandfather at some point,

but, if it happened today, I'd be terrified.

OK. OK, OK.

HE RETCHES

Fuck's sake. Ben, you're up.

HE SCREAMS

One, two, three!

CHEERING

Jack, that is the last foam hand and someone has bought it,

so once you're done vomming, just give me a nod.

It's fine. The Ranger can go on in the second match.

Jack, we've trained. You can do the moves. Yes!

All I have to do is do those moves.

In front of 250...

HE RETCHES

SHE GRUNTS

Argh. Sorry, pal. Sorry about that.

Ben, you're gonna have to go again! What?

In disguise. Bertha, can you make Ben a mask

in the next, like, ten seconds?

Gimme.

You are now the Grappling Gimp.

Sound, right. See youse out there. Thank you.

Right behind you.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Your winner!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

This, erm, freaky new guy!

OK, everyone's been on,

so the Ranger's now in the main event.

Cool, right, you and Cliff.

What you doing? You promised that you'd do extra!

And I did. I was expecting six minutes

of low-energy nonsense with the Ranger,

not a 25-minute barn burner with that beast.

Bertha!

SHE INHALES

SHE EXHALES

Never mind.

Um... Ben! I'm sorry.

I know that you haven't eaten. No worries, no worries.

Jesus, Mary and Joseph! I've done it again!

Weighing in at 107 kilos.

CHEERING

Or, erm, 235 pounds!

BOOING

Or...

3,760 ounces!

BOOING

No, Jack! Just perform in the bloody costume!

Holly! Let me.

I was taught an advanced form of reiki

when I was briefly part of

what may - or may not - have been a dangerous cult.

Breathe deep.

CALMING FLUTE PLAYS

First, I'm gonna tell you...

my PIN number.

CROWD JEER

He'll be here any second.

BOOING

At this point, the Master would hand us the crystal,

which is what he called his erect penis,

but we could skip that.

CROWD JEER

I had to buy a ticket to get back in.

Hey, what's going on? Where's Jack?

Don't worry. He won't let us down.

BOOING

And his serious, mysterious opponent...

..The Powerful Ranger!

MUSIC: 'I Love It' by Icona Pop ft. Charli XCX

SHE WHOOPS

SHE SCREAMS

SHE SCREAMS

CALMING FLUTE PLAYS

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

One, two...

APPLAUSE

You're smashing it, Jack.

Stay down, I'm gonna give you my elbow.

Or do that!

CHEERING

SHE SCREAMS

CROWD CHANT

Jesus. That felt good.

SHE SHRIEKS

We're back on earth and you're ready to wrestle.

Hey, Holly. Wait, what?

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