Original subtitles

# What'll I do when you are far away

# And I am blue?

# What'll I do?

# When I'm alone

# With only dreams of you

# That won't come true

# What'll I do? #

Thanks a lot, Sharon.

Ooh...

Stupid yellow box!

Why do I always have to get in the back?

Because it's fun watching you trying to get out the car

without flashing your bargain bucket.

Have you got a pound, Dor? What for?

The Trolley. I've never been charged for a trolley in Waitrose.

Because Waitrose customers don't throw their trolleys in the canal.

Is this all there is?

I've seen more selection in my hotel mini bar.

Brie's not very ripe, is it?

It will be the time it gets to your age, Dor.

Why don't you try taking your shades off? I daren't.

If someone were to recognise me...

No-one you know would be seen dead in a place like this.

Exactly!

Oh, now I'm happy!

Toothpaste? In the dairy cabinet?

It's squeezy cheese!

Don't tell me you've never had the urge to squirt five inches of ripe Cheddar onto your tongue?

Not in public, no.

Urgh! Oh, it's garlic! Huh!

You can't do that!

I just did. Huh! (PHONE RINGS)

Hello? Yes, this is she.

I did?

Well, no. No, it's not a matter of money.

That's right, Dor. You play hard to get!

Push your price up. It's the Daily Mail.

It seems I'm mentioned in someone's sordid memoirs.

Why ain't I surprised?

No, I can't hear you.

I'm shopping. In Harrods' food hall!

Yeah. I'll take it outside.

Oh, and don't forget,

if you see any organic guinea fowl or line-caught tuna...

We'll know we're in the wrong shop.

You can put that back. It's on offer!

We can't afford Malibu. It ain't.

It's Zaribou. What's the difference?

Five quid. (SIGHS) Oh, come on, Trace.

It's X Factor tomorrow.

We can play emotional roulette.

You know, you have to down a shot every time someone bursts into tears.

No. We're on a budget.

Oh! You could waste £75 buying Travis a new pair of trainers!

He's my little boy. And I'm your little sister!

Well, his feet are still growing. Yours are beyond help.

Now put it back. Get...

Trace! Don't!

It feel from the display.

Narrowly missing my head.

You shall be hearing...from my lawyers.

Do you want a hand, love? That's a joke in very dubious taste!

Eh? Arm, Trace! Arm!

Just because I've had a stroke doesn't make me the object of mirth, you know.

Sadie! They're just trying to help.

Thanks. That would be lovely.

It's affected her personality, the stroke.

She was such a sunny little creature before.

I'm not deaf, Annie.

And did YOU put these in here when I wasn't looking?

What's wrong? I hate tortilla chips.

They remind me of Spain.

That's why I like them.

Did you used to go to Spain for your holidays? We lived there.

Whereabouts? Tossa.

I was only asking! She means Tossa de Mar.

Oh...

But it was nice to get back. Wasn't it, Sadie?

To take things easy. Easy?

And the council won't even blimmin' pay for a stair lift.

Oh, be fair, Sadie.

We live in a bungalow!

You didn't have to tell the council. I did!

It's my bungalow. Exactly. Your bungalow.

I know I'm only there under sufferance,

but you don't have to keep reminding me.

£53.47, please. What?

In Spain, that'd be about 30 euros.

Don't mind her, dear.

Thank you, girls.

They're sisters, then. I spotted that.

You I don't think we'll be like that in 20 years' time?

Bickering and bitching? Oh, don't have to wait 20 years.

All I've got to do is try and buy myself a bottle of booze.

Yes, but I don't want to give what you call 'my side of the story'.

I've got a critical court case coming up.

The last thing I need is my reputation trashed!

It's very sad. Very, very sad.

Tell me about it.

She really hates her sister.

I wouldn't say hate.

More...bitterly resents.

I mean, the nice sister's got her own house and car and everything.

And the twisted sister's got nothing to look forward to.

We're not going to end up like that, are we? Course not.

What do YOU reckon, Dor?

Dor?

(SCREECH)

I wonder what the papers will say about Dorien?

Probably that she's a clapped-out old sex maniac

who shouldn't be allowed out without a minder.

That's not news, though, is it?

All right? You're home early.

Well, there's nothing more they can teach me, is there? Oh, 'ark at you, cocky!

You were joking, weren't you? Not really.

You better be.

Oh, good timing, Dor. Now we've put all the shopping away.

'We'? I've just been speaking to my solicitor

about that ghastly journalist.

And? He says I haven't got a leg to stand on.

Shut it!

If a national newspaper is determined to call me a man-eating good-time girl...

You can't complain, because it's true.

Except the girl bit.

Oh, you two might find this amusing,

but my entire future depends on the court believing I'm a serious novelist.

Why are they writing about you at all?

No disrespect, but you're not exactly A-list.

That, Travis, is a matter of opinion.

Hm, it isn't.

They're writing about me cos last month Lord Shoreswell died

while out foxhunting. Serves him right.

And as he's dead, they're serialising his scandalous memoirs.

What, and you're mentioned? Oh, not just mentioned.

Featured.

So you were strumping a peer of the realm

and you kept it to yourself?

But I didn't don't know. Why, has it gone numb?

I didn't know he was a lord. He told me he was a car dealer called Clive.

Which at least partly explains his leather fetish.

So what did you actually get up to with this Lord Bangalot?

Suffice to say, he kept a tankful of snapping turtles.

Ooh! Chapter six!

Chapter six.

Hold on, Dor.

Look, if it all happened, they've got nothing to sue you about.

It can't be plagiarism.

Of course! You're right!

Travis, you are brilliant!

(LAUGHS) I might just sack my lawyer and hire you!

Oh, Travis! I could kiss you!

Don't you dare!

Can you tell the court, Mrs Green, how you happened upon the nom de plume Foxy Cohen?

It's a bit of a joke, really, you know...

It's what's called finding your...

porn star name.

I'm afraid I'm none the wiser.

You combine the name of your first pet with your mother's maiden name.

That would make me Frou-Frou Cuddles The Third

Ingram-Jones QC.

Not terribly erotic.

Oh, I wouldn't say that.

I think we may be drifting away from the matter at hand.

Thank you, My Lady.

So, Mrs Green,

having so to speak disguised yourself with a pen name,

or should I say, pet name (CHUCKLES)...

..you then felt free to plagiarise a pre-existing bestseller,

viz Fifty Shades of - No, no. Let me explain.

I admit I mimicked the title,

but of course titles are not copyright.

I do not need you to instruct me in a point of law.

Bit rude, innit? Hm.

Sorry, love.

You use the term 'experiences',

but did you not simply steal your ideas from other works of fiction?

No, no. These things happened to me...

..all the time.

I don't know why.

We do.

Sadly for you, Mrs Green, there doesn't seem to be anyone

prepared to corroborate your claim.

Except Lord Shoreswell.

Do you mean the late Lord Shoreswell?

I hardly imagine he'll be hurrying to the witness box.

No. But his scandalous autobiography will soon be in the Daily Mail.

And apparently I feature quite heavily on pages 35, 47

and er,

ooh, 69.

And I think you'll find

that is recollections and my confessions

dovetail perfectly...

..so to speak.

I always knew that justice would prevail!

Wey! Go, Dor!

It's been a long, hard struggle

and I would not have survived without the support of my publisher,

my legal team

and to two very loyal friends

who took me in when I was virtually homeless.

Aww, that's nice.

And now it's off to the Quotidian Hotel to celebrate my triumph!

Yeah! Let's party! Whoo!

(PRESS CLAMOUR)

The selfish mare!

After all we've done for her.

She leaves us on the pavement like a couple of bin bags.

I didn't wanna go to no posh, poncey party up the West End anyway.

I flippin' did!

Cut across... Travis?

In here, Mum. Oh, Garthy, what are you doing here?

Helping Travis cook dinner.

I thought it'd be nice to come back to something hot.

Oi! That was my idea!

Aww, that's lovely, innit, Shal?

Well, let's eat it before we make a judgment, eh?

So how was the trial, then? She won.

Oh, nice one. No, it's not! What's the problem?

The problem is, that ungrateful cow buggered off to her party

without us. That's a bit out of order, innit?

Tell me about it.

At least Dorien's out of your hair now. Yeah, there is that.

Wait, can I have my en-suite back? Course you can, love.

Hang on, what about me? You can go back in the guest room.

Oh! So I'm a guest now, am I?

Don't start, Shal. I told you, you can stay here as long as you like.

Or until you decide to sell the house.

Why would I want to sell my house?

Mum, I promised Marcie I'd get back before rush hour, so I'd better go.

No! You stay here, you! You need to hear this.

Sooner or later you're gonna have to sell the house.

If you wanna help your boys get on the property ladder.

No-one can afford a house in London any more.

Unless you're a lottery winner or a Russian...

..oli...whatitsname thingy.

Garch. Yep.

No, mate. Oligarch. Chelsea.

Chelsea who?

And where does that leave me, eh?

Homeless and potless.

Like that sad old biddy in the supermarket,

moaning and feeling sorry for myself.

You've had plenty of practice at it.

And you can play at being the martyr,

cos you've had plenty of practice at that! Give it a rest, Shal.

No-one can see the future.

You might meet a nice bloke, get a place of your own.

Life's full of surprises. Mine ain't!

(HORN)

Anyone order a Bentley?

Get your feet off the seat!

Ooh, we're here. Oh, innit lovely? Oh, my God!

He's opening the door for us.

Oh, cheers. Thank you very much.

I could get used to this.

You'll have to sleep with the chauffeur, then!

Of course, I never thought I'd make it back to Florida, but now...

But isn't Florida rather passe?

(RUSSIAN ACCENT) Yes. Today it is Madagascar.

Those cute little lemurs are to die for.

I must have a lemur for a coat.

Though of course they are an endangered species.

Exactly. No time to lose.

Oi-oi! Dorien!

Talking of endangered species... Who let the dogs out?

Where did you get to? Where did WE get to?

Where did YOU get to? You went off with your entourage

without so much as a kiss my auntie! Excuse me.

Ooh, hang on, mate. Hang on.

Cheers.

Serves you right.

Hang on, mate. Someone's pushed the boat out.

My publisher's so relieved.

He's already talking about Ninety Shades of Purple.

So you've got some smutty stories left?

Ooh, haven't even scratched the surface!

So, who are all these people, then?

Right, now, that's my publisher, Julian.

That's his PA, Sasha.

That's my agent. That's my hairdresser.

That's my agent's hairdresser and that's... Not a clue.

Ladies and gentlemen,

if I can take a moment.

I just wanted to say how de...

..how delighted we all are

with the wonderful outcome today.

Before I hand over to Dorien to say a few words,

we have a special surprise for you,

from one of Foxy's multitude of celebrity admirers.

Hi there, love. I'm so pleased that you won your court case!

And I loved your book.

It's great to know there's still one woman our age

who's getting it regularly.

I'm so sorry I can't be with you in person, er, Doreen,

but congratulations on your triumph today. You really deserve it.

That was touching, weren't it? Didn't even get her name right.

Any more bubbly? Sorry, it's all gone.

Um, thank you, Julian. That was lovely.

Erm...

Oh, what an amazing day!

Now, Foxy Cohen would like to say a few words.

Before I began to embark on a career...

No, wait! Wait, I haven't finished.

I'll call you tomorrow, darling. I'm on a meter.

Do svidaniya.

What just happened? The booze run out,

swiftly followed by all your mates.

Run that 'These are all our friends' cobblers by us again.

Don't kick her when she's down, Trace! That's my job.

Oh, my God!

I have never been so humiliated.

What about chapter 19?

Not even then.

Come on, Dor. There's a virgin bottle of Zaribou at home.

It's got your name on it.

Huh, this is the worst thing I've ever tasted.

Second worst thing I've ever tasted.

Well, it definitely smells of coconut.

So does my shampoo.

So you won't want a top-up, then? Whatever gave you that idea?

You're gonna miss all this intellectual banter

when you're back on the celebrity merry-go-round.

She'll be off on some spa weekend with her new best friend.

Lorraine Kelly. Ah! She's not my best friend,

but we are very close.

Then how come she didn't remember your name?

Well, I think maybe I'll winter in Miami,

then next spring I'll look for an apartment in London or Paris,

though New York has its attractions - galleries, Broadway, the Hamptons.

New York blokes are well endowed, then, are they?

I've brought your cases down. The taxi won't be a minute.

Oh... Thank you, Travis.

Where will you go, then, Dor? Well, I haven't decided.

I think I'll Google in the taxi.

You'll go blind.

'Ere, Dor, you'll you're all over YouTube?

Vertical or horizontal?

Why?

Your victory speech outside the court room.

One of your fans must have uploaded it.

Of course.

My lovely, lovely fans.

It was me, actually.

I thought it would cheer you up. It did.

Momentarily.

(HORN)

That'll be your taxi, Dor.

Well, thank you for everything. You've been wonderful. Both of you.

Even you, Sharon.

Hope our paths cross again.

Well, that's not going to happen now, is it, Dor?

Now that you're back on the A-list and I'm back on benefits.

(HORN)

I'll put your bags in the taxi, shall I?

I'll never forget you or what you did for me.

I never thought I'd say this, but... I've grown to envy you,

your closeness, loyalty, the meaning of family.

That's nice, innit, Trace? Quite touching, really.

See you, then, Dor.

That meter will be clocking up.

(TEARFUL) Bye.

Bye. Bye.

Oh, Dor? Yes?

Can you give Travis your key on your way out, love?

We would see you out, but Corrie's starting in a sec.

Bye, Dor. (ENGINE RUNNING OUTSIDE)

Where's the remote, Trace?

You had it last. You're probably sitting on it.

No, I ain't. I'd have noticed.

You never noticed when you sat on my hamster.

How long shall we give her, then?

BOTH: Five four three...

(DOORBELL)

I wonder who that can be.

I wonder. (LAUGHS)

Night, Shal. Night, Trace. Night, Dor.

Night, Dor. DOR: Good night, girls.

Sharon, there's a kebab in my bed!

subtitles by Deluxe