Original subtitles

# What'll I do

# When you

# Are far away

# And I am blue

# What'll I do?

# When I'm alone with only

# Dreams of you

# That won't come true

# What'll I do? #

(LAUGHTER)

Sharon. Tracey.

What are you doing in Chigwell?

Why, do you need a passport to visit a posh neighbourhood now?

I thought you'd moved back to Edmonton. I have.

But Foxy Cohen isn't signing her book in Edmonton, is she?

There aren't any bookshops in Edmonton any more. Or libraries.

Your mate George bleeding Osbourne closed them all down.

Foxy! Foxy!

(CROWD CLAMOURS)

Foxy, we love you! Foxy! Foxy!

Foxy! Whoo!

(CLAMOUR CONTINUES)

Foxy?

Foxy me!

Dor, it's us!

It's us! Hello, Dor!

Get inside!

Up-market smut for middle-aged women.

I should have guessed it was you. It's nice to see you, too, Sharon, after all these years.

You look fantastic, Dorien. Don't call me that, Tracey!

I've rebranded myself as Foxy Cohen, it would only confuse my fans.

That's why I don't have my photo on the book cover.

Plus, people would never believe an old slapper like you

could actually get up to those sort of things.

Why Foxy Cohen, though?

You never learned how to find your porn star name?

No, I must have been away from school that day.

Ooh, I know, I know. You choose your first pet's name

and your mother's maiden name.

Which makes me...Rex Harrison.

You can't be Rex Harrison.

Why not? He was a famous film star.

Oh, that's right, he had a big part in that My Fair Lady, didn't he?

I wouldn't be surprised.

Anyway, you can't be Rex Harrison, he was my hamster.

Do you know, girls, I used to feel guilty

at leaving you two sad creatures behind, but not any more.

Although you have clearly gone up in the world, Sharon,

judging by the tabard.

You've lost weight. What was it, gastric band?

Liposuction? Dyno-Rod?

Well, when you live on your own, you have to make a choice.

Between food or heat.

You two don't live together any more? Not that I care.

No, we don't.

Why not? It's a long story.

No, it ain't. She met this bloke called Ralph, I didn't like him,

she chucked me out, they got married, end of.

You evicted your only sister?

Yeah, well, she was getting on my Allieds.

Your what? Allieds, carpets.

Oh, for God's sake!

Well, what happened to...Damian. No, Derek.

Darryl. Er... Oh, yes.

Is he still in prison? No, he moved to Wales.

Which is pretty much the same thing.

Miss Cohen, the queue's getting rather wet.

It's that sort of book, mate.

Yes, and my cleaners are just leaving. (MOUTHS)

Oh, could you sign this for us, eh?

To Sharon or Rex?

Don't put my name on it, it won't be worth nothing on eBay.

I'll pay for it on my way out.

See ya, then. Don't count on it.

(THEME TUNE PLAYS)

Oi! Mary Poppins!

So, how's Travis? Oh, you know, shooting up.

He's on heroin?

Getting taller.

I'm sorry, Trace. For what, exactly?

For saying Ralph was a chancer who's out for everything he can get.

Took your time, though, didn't ya? I was waiting for you to say something first!

You were in the wrong. It was up to you to extend the olive branch.

We don't sell olive branches at World Of Quid.

No? Well, they're buy one get one free at Waitrose.

You changed my life, Miss Cohen.

Of course I did.

You and 50,000 other desperate housewives.

Oh, a gentleman admirer.

Would you like me to sign?

Yes, to acknowledge receipt of this envelope.

Oh!

Done it up nice, ain't they, Trace?

Lovely, Shal.

Never thought I'd see this place again.

Neither did I.

(GATE SQUEAKS)

(SIREN IN DISTANCE)

Fancy a nice cup of instant?

(DOG BARKS OUTSIDE)

It's World Of Quid Premium Blend.

Contains traces of real coffee.

I don't remember your flat being this small.

I've had to downsize, Trace.

(BABY CRIES) It's this new bedroom tax.

Only rich people are allowed to have spare rooms.

(THUMPING MUSIC)

(SIGHS) Put these on, Trace.

Here.

(LONG BLAST)

(MUSIC STOPS)

How can you live like this?

This is how the poor working people of Britain live these days, Trace.

Oh, give it a rest. The country's in a mess, we know that,

but as Mr Cameron says, we're all in this together.

Oh, are we? Then how comes I never bump into him down by the bins?

I feel terrible, Shal. That'll probably be carbon monoxide poisoning.

The boiler's been playing up. I mean you, this. It's not right.

I want you to come home. Home?

You mean Chigwell?

Huh! What will your Ralph say?

I don't know. I don't care.

He's gone.

What, he's dead? I wish.

What's happened, Trace? You were right, I was wrong. He's a pig.

I caught him going through my knicker drawer, so I slung him out.

You mean he's more Martha than Arthur?

He wasn't after my undies, he was after my savings.

You've still got savings?

Not any more, I had to pay him off for a quickie divorce.

And when did all this happen? Six months ago.

And it didn't cross your mind to tell me before now?

I was too ashamed.

Well, I'm very hurt, Tracey.

I've got a good mind not to go back now.

Oh, please, Shal, I want you to come home, I'm lonely.

It's just me and Travis and he's always messing about with his Wii.

At his age?

His computer. Oh, oh.

Oh, I don't know, Trace.

I've become very attached to this place.

That's cos the floor's so sticky.

I mean, I've got commitments.

Commitments? You ain't even got a window.

There's a Vent-Axia in the bog. You can't see out of it, though.

You can. Council didn't put it in, properly.

Anyway, I can't go till the weekend. Why not?

There's a meat raffle at the Three Brewers.

I've got my eye on a nice piece of brisket.

(DEVICES BEEP)

Mum! In the kitchen, love.

Good day at school? Not bad.

Got an A* in my law essay. Oh.

Might become a barrister if my movie career don't take off.

All right, Travis?

What's Auntie Shal doing here?

You're letting her back after the way she upset you?

I've changed my mind. It's wrong to bear grudges.

I hope she's not staying for dinner. I might stay for breakfast, an' all.

Want to do something about it?

She can't go back to Edmonton, she ain't even got a window.

She'd better not get the en suite back.

What do you need a bathroom for? It ain't like you wash.

Mum, you're going to let her talk to me like that? No, I'm not.

I'm going to get on with the dinner. You two sort it out, go on.

I enjoyed that. Bit over the top, weren't ya?

You told me to lay it on. Not that thick.

She might chuck me out again. She'd never. She feels too guilty.

Yeah! Good boy.

So, do I get my 20 quid now? Yeah, here you are, mate.

A bargain.

What's goin' on?

I was just trying to bribe your son to give up his en suite.

Course you were! Look me in the eye and tell me that's the truth.

It was her idea.

What was?

When she found out you'd finished with Ralph - Found out? How?

I sort of told her. Why?

I didn't think it was fair, her living in that rabbit hutch.

You've been there?

Edmonton?

Get real, Mum, she showed me round on Skype.

You knew about Ralph all the time? Why didn't you say something?

Why didn't you? I didn't want to have to listen to you gloat about

how you was right and I was wrong.

I never gloat, Tracey.

But in this instance I was right and you were wrong.

And if you'd listened to me the first time I saw Ralph's internet profile

and said he's too good to be true -

I suppose you told her about that book signing, an' all!

I was just trying to bring you two back together.

You're all each other's got. That's not true.

I've got you, I've got Garthie. He's in Australia, Mum.

I'll be going to uni soon.

All the time I was growing up I had both of you here.

It was great. Like having two mums?

Like having one mum and a really naughty big sister.

Cheers, mate.

I really miss having Garthie around, Mum. Me, too.

It's funny, the things you miss, innit?

Sometimes I even miss Dorien.

What, that old slapper from next door? Travis!

Except she ain't Dorien any more.

She's turned into Foxy Cohen.

She wrote that dirty book? How do you know about that?

Everyone in my year has read 60 Shades Of Green, Mum.

Oh, my God, if I ever clap eyes on her again...

She's big time now. Hardly going to be ringing on our doorbell, is she?

(DOORBELL)

Tracey, you've got to help me, I'm in the middle of a terrible crisis.

Oh, hello, you must be Trevor. Travis.

Oh, you're the spitting Photofit of your father.

That's a lot of attitude from someone who writes dirty books for a living.

I'm a huge fan, Miss Cohen. Yes, of course you are.

What do you want, Dorien? Tracey, I've been served.

Spare us the sordid details.

I mean served with a writ, by the publishers of 50 Shades Of Grey.

They are accusing me of plagiarism. What's that when it's at home?

It means she's ripped off their book. But I didn't!

All the experiences in my novel actually happened.

Even the bit about the sumo wrestlers and the hammock?

Oh, for God's sake, where's the rest?

They're in the hall. Keep your hair on.

Where will you go, back to Hollywood? Oh, I wish.

I can't go anywhere. The plaintiff - The what?

The injured party in a civil action.

The plaintiff has frozen my bank account.

Most of my assets are overseas where I can't get at them.

I don't even know where I'm going to sleep tonight.

No change there, then.

Er... Hold on, you don't think I can put you up, do you?

But I've got nowhere else to go, Tracey.

I can't afford a hotel. All my funds have been sequestered.

Travis? Frozen pending an outcome.

Look, I'm sorry, I'd love to help out but we just haven't got the space.

I'm in the master bedroom, Travis is in the en suite,

I wanted the en suite. Sharon's in the guest room,

which just leaves the box room and that's really pokey.

Don't say pokey, Trace, that will only encourage her.

Oh. Oh, I see.

It's Ralph, isn't it? Most women don't like me being around their husbands.

Apparently I give off this musk.

Ralph's gone.

I'm sorry? We got divorced.

Since Thursday? It was a quickie.

Why didn't you say? No, it's not important.

All that really matters is, where am I going to sleep?

Dor, why don't you phone the Social?

They've got a list of night shelters. (APPALLED GASP)

They must have left you something to live on. Oh, yes!

A measly £1,000 a week. A grand?

Poor you! I know.

Pathetic, isn't it?

Well, why don't I make a modest contribution

to the running of the household? How modest?

What's Sharon giving you? Aggravation.

I think I can do better than that. 400 a week.

Uh... We're band H here, I think we could have a little bit - Uh-uh-uh!

I'll do the negotiating, Tracey.

I am the one that watches Dragons' Den.

400 quid?!

You're having a laugh, ain't ya?

650. Oh, don't be ridiculous!

Take it or leave it, I ain't budging. I'll leave it.

You're supposed to haggle. You won't budge. I'll budge a bit.

I didn't think there's any point. Of course there is!

Make me an offer. Anything.

410.

Done. See?

Useless. I want £500 a week,

plus council tax or you can sling your hook.

Well done, Tracey, it's a deal.

See?

So, here you go, Dor.

Oh, don't be ridiculous, I'm not staying in this cell.

For £500 a week I expect an en suite.

Not to mention wifi, constant hot water

and a personalised laundry service...Sharon.

But there's only two en suites. Mum's and mine.

Oh, thank you, Travis, that is so generous of you.

No, it's not. Looks like you're back in the guest room, love.

That is so unfair!

And where am I going to kip? In here.

I can't sleep standing up! I ain't an 'orse!

If you don't like it, you know what you can do.

Oh, so you're chucking me out. Again.

That is so unfair!

Oh, grow up, Sharon.

Well, I think I'll go to my en suite and freshen up.

Oh, Sharon, baggage.

What did you call me?

All I'm saying is - If that's all you're saying, you don't half go on saying it.

All I'm saying is, I am not waiting on her hand and foot.

I've already hurt my back, dragging her bags up the stairs.

Service! You've been watching too much Masterchef.

Travis, Dor, dinner!

Here you are, do something pretty with these.

She ain't the Queen, Trace. She's bunging me a monkey a week.

You can't expect her to cuff it like some people.

Everything all right with your en suite, m'lady?

Absolutely delightful. You'd love it, Sharon.

Sharon, chair.

Yeah, it is, Dor.

That smells delicious. It's mine.

No, even you can't eat all that.

I won it, in a meat raffle.

Second prize.

What's a meat raffle?

Well, you should know.

Bit on the big side. Are you sure it's not mutton?

Well, you're the expert.

You ain't expecting a power cut, are you?

(DOORBELL) I'll get it. You get it.

So, how long do you reckon you'll be staying with us, then, Dor?

Oh, not long. My lawyer thinks we'll win the case within six months.

BOTH: Six months?!

Did you get rid of them? Not exactly.

What do you mean, not exactly? Who was it, what do they want?

(KNOCKING)

Hello, Mum. Garthie. Oh, my God, Garthie!

(LAUGHTER) I can't believe it!

Do you reckon I'm the taller? I don't know.

You look fantastic. What are you doing here?

You're always complaining how big and empty the house is. Was.

Mum, I've brought you something back from Australia. Close your eyes.

Ta-dah!

I told Garth to call ahead but he said you wouldn't mind. Hi, I'm Marcie.

This is my mum Tracey, my Auntie Sharon - I'm the pretty one.

And this is little Travis.

And this is Poppy. It's all been a bit much for her.

Two days ago she was on Bondi Beach.

Mum, I need the loo. Just out there on the left, love.

I'm a little confused, Garth. Is that child yours?

Yes, Dor, I went to Australia five years ago and came back with a ten-year-old daughter.

So, how long have you two been playing happy families?

A few months.

Why didn't you say? I wasn't sure if it was serious.

Cheers, mate.

Till Marcie's ex broke out of jail. We decided to visit the old country.

Oh, my God, it's genetic.

If it's a problem, Tracey, we can always find a B&B.

No, it's not a problem, is it? It's not a problem.

Sharon did mention that the Social Security has a list of night shelters.

Take no notice of her, this is your home, we'll squeeze you in. Come on.

How?

Where?

(THUMPS)

Sharon! What?

You kicked me out of bed.

I had to turn over. No, you didn't.

This is ridiculous. I had to give them my room.

You can't expect two adults and a ten-year-old to share a box room.

Not after they've just flown for 25 hours.

I'm never going to get back to sleep now. Me neither.

Sharon, where is my liquorice tea?

Get it yourself, Shrek.

subtitles by Deluxe