All language subtitles for Abbott.Elementary.S04E20.1080p.WEB.H264-SuccessfulCrab

Hey, y'all. Just a reminder.

Until the leak in the gym
is fixed, it's off limits.

Last thing we need is a parent
slipping and suing the school.

You guys, I'm trying
to do printouts

for the Open House tomorrow.

My laptop keeps crashing.

Does anybody have a functioning
computer I can jump on?

Nope. Mine crashed
twice this morning.

Yes, but you have to tap
my monitor three times

and say a little prayer
for the Wi-Fi to work.

Yeah, so because the district
took away all of our stuff

from the golf course,

and Ava gave away our
funds to other schools

at the budget meeting.

Abbott's back to square one.

Not my favorite shape.
More of a triangle, girly.

I actually played a triangle
in high school if you...

Anyway, we have a plan.

As part of the Open
House this year,

we are having a car
wash to raise money.

Okay, before I blast
this on socials

that I don't have to
pay to be verified on,

how much are we charging
for the car wash?

Ah, we are not charging anything

and relying purely on donations.

Ha! You know, when you rely on
the kindness in people's hearts,

you start to realize there is
no kindness in people's hearts.

No, look, we lure people
in with a free car wash,

but then they see the cute kids
and us working extremely hard,

and they feel guilty.

And people will pay anything
to get rid of the guilt.

Well, donations work wonders
for my church. Mm-hmm.

My church promised
me my own planet.

They better pay up.

Great. And are we...

are we still going
to call it AVA Fest?

You know, to pay homage to Ava?

Yeah, if you want to pay homage
and a hefty licensing fee.

She trademarked AVA Fest, and
she sent a cease and desist.

Mm. How?

Girlfriend.

...Captions by Verbit...

Thank you for bringing me today.

Tell Johnny I'm sorry he
had to ride on the ladder.

Ah, he's used to it. Plus,
he's rooting for us. Mm.

Ah, duty calls.

Oh. Try not to pull any
fire alarms today, Mel.

I'll try. No promises.

Hey, what are you doing?

I'm getting my stuff
ready for the car wash.

I hope they put
me on cupholders.

They're always so nasty.

Dia, can you have
Mr. Johnson disinfect

the admin desk regularly?

The kids touch this, and
we see what they can do.

First of all, Mr. Johnson
is not my jurisdiction.

Second of all, it's Open House.

Right. I used to get so stressed
out about talking to parents,

but the full-time sub
is taking over my class,

which is such a relief.

Okay, yeah, but
some of the parents

are going to want to
talk to the principal,

not just the teachers. Yep.

It's like when you
go to the store

and you want to
speak to the manager.

Yeah, I've never done that.

I've always been able
to find a resolution

without escalating
the situation.

But Ava never talked to anybody.

Ava can get away with
that. You ain't Ava.

No.

The parents are going
to want to talk to you,

and they are going to
have a lot of questions.

Well, I don't love
the sound of that.

What... What... What
should I prepare for?

"Prepare."

You can't prepare.

No, they're going to
throw everything at you...

complaints, concerns,
compliments.

But mostly complaints
and concerns.

You're saying there's...

there's nothing I can
do to plan for this?

Beep, bop, boop.

I am Gregbot.

I cannot deviate from my plans.

That's you.

And here you go.

I'm not tall enough to
reach the top of the car.

Oh, that's okay.
I'll get those spots.

You're like
an inch taller than me.

Mm. Okay, everyone, if
you don't have a parent,

then you're on car-wash duty,
and we'll keep rotating, right?

Are we ready? Together: Yes.

Yes. Ready.

Guess what... Guess...

Guess what I found
in the basement.

Last person who should
have a megaphone.

I haven't got the
timing down yet,

but I will when
it's show showtime.

Oh, my God.

Let it be known that I
will not be a-scrubbing,

rubbing, or a-dubbing,

and the only thing
I buff are my nails.

But if you want somebody
to count your donations,

I'm your gal. Okay.

Okay. Speaking of
which, I made this

so we could keep track of
all the dough we make today.

Alright? Remember, we
ain't doing this for free.

Well, technically, we can... It is
a highly suggested donation, okay?

And by "highly suggested,"
I mean you hold that tip jar

right up into their face
until it gets uncomfortable.

Which also works with
divorce papers, too. Mm.

And I also invited all of
the members from my church.

And you will never believe who
is...

I blew dirt on all the
cars in the neighborhood

and the ones at the
golf course, too.

And don't worry,
I wore a disguise.

Call me Mr. Morton.

Uh, hey, should we be
worried about the weather?

It says there's a
high chance of rain.

The only thing there's a
high chance of is success.

Guys, let's fill
this thermometer.

- Yeah!
- That's right.

Welcome to Abbott. Hello.
I'm Interim Principal Eddie.

Well, Mr. Interim Principal,
show 'em what you got.

Hi. Uh, welcome to Abbott.
I'm Interim Principal Eddie.

Are you the
new principal?

Uh, I'm the interim
principal, yes. You'll do.

Listen, my child is
in fifth grade now,

and I have been to
every Open House,

AVA Fest, or whatever you guys
are calling it these days,

and no one has been able
to answer my question.

Okay, well, I'll do my best,

but I just want to reiterate
that I am the interim principal.

I know what "interim"
means. Is he for real?

The school website does
not explain what any

of the extracurricular
activities are.

Like, what is a Garden Goofball?

I'm really glad that you asked.

I actually run that
after-school program.

Um, it teaches the
students responsibility

while also learning
about horticulture.

Right now we're harvesting
strawberries, tomatoes, cabbage.

Cabbage? Yeah.

And sensory plants, like
scented herbs and lavender,

and a mimosa plant for touch.

Well, thank you,
interim principal.

Yeah. No problem.

And I'll make a note
to update the website.

Mm-hmm.

I think I'm getting
better at this.

Well she did ask the
one thing you know.

This whole time
I've been giving you

the benefit of the doubt.

Um, oh, hey, Gregory,
could you please come out?

Right away?

Oh, no. What? Is it raining?

No, just... come outside!

We got a situation! Sorry.

Okay. Stay on the ground.

Hey,
we don't have all day.

Ooh, I know I prayed
for a good turnout,

but these hands were made for
praying, not for spraying.

I think we're going
to need more shammies.

Oh. Oh. Oh.

Morton, why aren't you helping?

And is this a sleeping bag?

Yeah, I just leased
this all-electric car,

and it's actually not
a bad place to sleep.

Which is really helpful
when you don't know

if you're welcome
at home each night.

Okay, well, you're going to
get out and finish it yourself.

Uh, Ava. Oh, my God. Ava.

Hey, what are you doing here?

I just finished a speaking
engagement in Jersey,

so, obviously, I
need a car wash.

And I heard someone
here had the dumb idea

to raise money by
washing cars for free.

Well, that someone
would disagree.

Listen, if you need the cash,

I have a list of
high-net-worth potential donors

in the top drawer
of my old desk.

You should hit them up.

I don't
think we'll need to.

We've got cars lined
up around the block.

I think we're going
to be just fine.

Okay, well, if you want to turn
down getting money, be my guest.

But wait a sec.

We haven't even
washed your car yet.

Y'all not touching my
car with them linty rags.

Try microfiber. Ugh.

What would y'all do without me?

I will talk to the
cafeteria and let them know

they don't need to
use MSG in everything.

Okay? Y'all have a good night.

Hm.

Amber. Hi.

Um, wel... welcome
to the Open House.

Mm-hmm. "Interim
Principal Eddie."

"Interim" about sums you up.

I heard your boring ass
is dating a teacher now.

That's a power imbalance.

You know what?
That's a good point.

You know what? I
actually have to, um,

go attend to something.

Wait. I recognize
that slinking.

You dropped off a pizza
to us a couple weeks ago.

Left it on the sidewalk.

You know I got a doorbell cam.

Looking like Bigfoot.

Okay, listen, so I
didn't come to your door

because... I wanted to wait
until tonight's Open House

to tell you just how great
Joel and Megan have been doing.

Yeah?

Yeah, they're really thriving
in Miss Cooper's class.

Uh, you should see their
project on the Constitution.

It's actually better
than our current one.

Okay, I guess I'll check it out.

Thanks, Interim Principal Eddie.

That was a close call,
but you handled it well.

Thank you.

Even though you walk like
the alien in "Signs."

Is she still doing it?

Okay, just...

We got another tip.

Whoo! Yeah! Alright. Awesome.

Let's tally up our bounty
and see where we're at.

Okay. Whoo! Whoo!

Well, Mr. Johnson, you
want to do the honors?

No, no. Mr. J., you
got to do the line

above the zero, not below.

Y'all owe the thermometer money.

Wait, what? Huh?

What... What do you mean?
How is that possible?

We've been working
our butts off.

He's right. We spent
$275 on supplies.

We only made $163 in
donations.

And $100 of that came from Ava.

Those damn gentrifiers
haven't been tipping.

Yeah, well, we should
have expected that.

It's in their
nature to be cheap.

Alright, well, I will go, uh,

drum up some more business.

Ow. Sorry. Sorry.

Gregory, we are losing
money on the car wash.

What? What about the tips?

Apparently, people
think we're in Europe.

And we only have a
couple of hours left.

And I don't think we're
even going to break even.

Oh, wait a minute.

Ava said she had a list of
high-net-worth potential donors.

She probably was collecting
them as eligible bachelors,

but maybe we can reach out.

Right, yeah, that's
worth a shot.

And if that doesn't work,
we're screwed.

I'm just being realistic.

You know, there's some
pretty high-profile people

who attend my church.

Barbara, is it Jesus?

Well, he's one of them.

Okay, well, let's
take a beat on that

and just focus on the
ones with phone numbers.

Okay.

Free car wash and a chance
to help children in need!

Be a hero!

Hey, turn that thing down.

You're driving away my business.

Yeah. Okay. Um...

Ah. Hello. What's good?

Whoa. I got the text message
about the fundraiser.

That's an interesting
wallet.

Happy to support.

God bless you and your
generous donation.

Thank you very much.

It's working.

Ava's list of
high-net-worth donors

are actually coming
through. Ooh.

These guys are
drug dealers. What?

Don't ask me how I know without
my lawyer being present,

but it's true.

Hey, stay out of the trunk.

You know, maybe he's
just a private person.

You know, I don't want anyone
snooping in my trunk, either.

Yeah, exactly. I mean, you
shouldn't profile anyone.

I mean, just 'cause they have
a lot of money and nice cars.

Hey, did you guys know these
things have a siren on them?

Yeah, these
guys are drug dealers.

Told you.

And that's what we're
doing to improve

all of your children's
reading comprehension levels.

It's been quite efficacious.

"Efficacious."

It... It takes a
village. Truly.

Thank you.

You know, as interim principal,

I really want to
cultivate a workplace

rooted in mutual respect and...

Sup, bitch?

You let my son down.

Maybe this is where drug
money should be going,

back into the community.
Absolutely not.

Barb, you know, you take
away the "drug dealer" part,

they're really just
small-business owners.

She has got a point.

They don't say anything about
not smoking weed in the Bible.

They do say something
about a burning bush.

Ah!

Okay. I'm sorry.
You're right, okay?

But we're in the worst
shape we've ever been in.

And now we're not even
going to make enough

to build back what we lost.

So how'd you guys do?

Based on those sad faces
and that icy thermometer,

I'm guessing not well.

Did you guys text the drug
dealers I told you about?

'Cause one thing about them
is they gonna text back fast.

We did, but Barbara won't let
us keep the money. Mnh-mnh.

Damn, Barb, can't you just throw

some holy water on
it or something?

Well, I guess we just wait
for the next budget meeting

and hope that luck is on
our side.

Nah, we can make this work.

Uh, how?

We've only got an
hour of daylight left.

See, this is what's
wrong with y'all.

You're always
thinking too small.

This presents us with
the opportunity to pivot.

A night car wash?

No.

Block party.

Tear up that cease
and desist, y'all,

'cause AVA Fest is back.

- Alright.
- That's what we should've done.

- Facts.
- It always leads to money.

You're welcome.

Oh, I think the man upstairs
has something to say about that.

Well, so much for
the block party.

Are you really going to let a
little rain shut down AVA Fest?

I'm so glad I didn't
license it to y'all.

You'd have killed
the brand. Mm.

All we need to do is
move the block inside.

But it's practically
raining in the gym, too.

That's the beauty
of a block party.

It can happen anywhere...
classrooms, hallways.

Now all we need are
some attractions.

I'm a caricature artist.

Did it for 20 years
on Coney Island.

What? 20 years?

Well, mighta been an afternoon.
Seemed like 20 years.

Okay, there we go. Who
else can do things?

I can do tarot readings.
Hm. Predictable.

Janine, what about you?

Do you have a single
moneymaking skill?

Um...

I like to draw cute
things on the kids' tests,

so maybe I can do face painting.

Okay, I've seen those,
so that'll be free.

But we could get Wendell
and the cafeteria staff

to put out food and drinks

and upcharge the hell
out of everybody. Yeah.

Now, the only thing
left is a showstopper,

which I can make happen.

Ooh, ooh, I've got someone
who can stop any show.

Sure, Barb. Bring your
little church friend.

Just make sure they
get out of the way

when I get Stevie
Wonder to show up.

Ava, quit trying
to trick the blind.

It almost worked two years ago

when I told him this
was the Staples Center.

- I'll get somebody. Are y'all
in or not? Ms. - Yes.

Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah, okay, but
if it's Bon Jovi,

someone tell Captain
Robinson it's been fun.

Girl.

Let's get to it.

I told you, if his
grades start slipping,

I was coming back for round two.

Wait, wait. Wait, wait, wait.

Did his grades actually slip?

Last time I checked,
they were great.

Jabari had an A+ in spelling.

Now he's down to an "A." Says
it's 'cause he misses you.

So, yeah, that's
on you, playboy.

Look, I had to step
away from my class

to take over the
interim-principal job.

That's not a real
job. You made that up.

It is. I'm temporarily
the principal right now,

but I still make sure
to check in with Jabari

along with the rest of my
students. No, no, no, no.

You built a bond with Jabari,
and now you let him down.

Do you know what that does
to his abandonment issues?

Darnell, I give you my word.

I will always be
there for Jabari,

and I know you will, too,

considering how many times
you done come around here,

threatening to beat my ass.

And with both of
us on Team Jabari,

I am certain he will be alright.

Okay. Okay. Mm-hmm.

But if his grades slip again...

Really? No, no. I'm playing.

I'm playing, right? That was
funny. Yeah, that was good.

Okay. Yeah. You alright, man.

It's okay.

Hey, but you got to stop
pushing my buttons, man.

You better not be
looking at that camera.

I sw...

Nah, I'm playing again.

Seriously. Ah, there
you go with that.

Yeah.
Doing callbacks.

Perfect.

Step right up.

See your true nature
in a caricature

or have a sorceress
tell you your fortune.

Or pay me $20 to
roast your outfit.

$30 if you want me
to compliment it.

That shirt is ugly.
First one's free.

How's it looking?
Getting any warmer?

Yeah, it's better
than the car wash,

but we thought it'd be closer.

We're not going to make it.

Damn. Fergie booked
another national anthem.

Jacob, quick, put on a wig,
and pretend you're Kevin Bacon.

Like "Footloose" Kevin Bacon

or modern-day
car-commercial Kevin?

My church contact came through.

Ava, did you book a
closer? No, I didn't, Barb,

but Gerald doing a
Sunday school puppet show

about the great flood
might not be enough.

Gerald's with his men's
group this evening.

Actually, I got... Hi. Hi. Hi.

Oh. Oh.

...Miss Jill Scott.

Hi.

Thank you so much for
making this happen

with such short notice.

This lady has gone
above and beyond

to make my godmother feel
welcome in the choir,

and she can't even sing.

It's
the least I could do.

And who is this fine
fella with you? Hello.

Oh, this is Jax.
He's my security.

Oh. I don't go
anywhere without him.

There are a lot of
weirdos out there.

- Uh-huh. Sure are.
- Yeah.

You know, somebody went
in my dressing room

and stole my ear monitors.

- What?
- What?

Like, what you going to
do with ear monitors?

- Yeah. That's weird.
- That's weird

Well, welcome to
Abbott Elementary,

and, um...

Jacob will take you...

- To... somewhere.
- ...somewhere.

- Yeah, yeah.
- To the, um...

- Yeah, we go right this...
- Bye.

Thank you. Thank
you for coming.

Oh, my God.

I cannot believe
you got Jill Scott.

Well, the Lord... Lord
works in mysterious ways.

Mm-hmm. Right, Barb?

- Mm-hmm.
- That's good.

Yeah.

I knew He had a
plan when he brought

Jill Scott's godmother
to our church choir.

And it wasn't because we
needed a crackly soprano.

It's so good to
be here with you.

You're charging more than
a Jill Scott concert.

Yeah, 'cause this isn't
a Jill Scott concert.

It's AVA Fest.

Looks like the fire
department is here

to shut us down.
Nah, he's with me.

Did I miss her
sing "A Long Walk."

I left Johnny alone
with a kitchen fire

to get here on time.

No. Not yet.

Get up!

Everybody, get up!

♪ I'm taking my freedom ♪

♪ Pulling it off the shelf ♪

♪ Putting it on my chain ♪

♪ Wearin' it 'round my neck ♪

♪ I'm taking my freedom ♪

♪ Putting it in my car ♪

♪ Wherever I choose to go ♪

♪ Yeah, it will take me far ♪

♪ I am, am, am... ♪

We
did it. We did it.

Ava, this is amazing.

Honestly, some of my best work.

I'm just curious, though.

What made you come back?

You guys were spinning your
wheels with a car wash.

Robots replaced
sponges years ago.

Okay. I thought we would've
been the least of your concerns,

what with your success
and the talks and all.

Yeah, I make a lot
of money. Just...

♪ Grooving all day long ♪

Just doesn't make me feel...

Fulfilled?

Shut up, Janine. ♪ I'll
be high-stepping, y'all ♪

♪ Letting the joy unfold ♪

For some really annoying
reason that I can't explain...

...I miss it here.

♪ Yeah ♪

Ava, do you want to come back?

♪ I'm holding on
to my freedom ♪

That's not an option, okay?

That door is closed.

Okay, but maybe it
doesn't have to be.

Look, a very wise
person once said,

"Every new beginning comes from
some other beginning's end."

Okay.

♪ Representing His glory ♪

Look, if you want to come back,

we can find a way
to make it happen.

♪ Like it's golden, golden ♪

♪ Like it's important ♪

♪ Like it matters ♪

♪ Like it's blessed ♪

♪ Yeah ♪

I want to come back.

♪ Am, am, am ♪

♪ Livin' my life like
it's golden, golden ♪

♪ Golden ♪

♪ Oh, yeah ♪

Abbott Elementary.

There
was a lot of energy.

Miss Scott, before you go,

I was wondering if I
could have your autograph.

I'm a huge fan.

Okay. No problem.

I heard you were coming,

so I went home, and
I grabbed these.

Is that my...

Is... Is that my scarf
and my ear monitors?

Oh, those are hearing aids.

Hold up. I remember
you. You do?

You're that guy who came to
37 of my shows in one year.

You saw my Instagram
Stories. Wow.

No. Artists are alerted
whenever someone attends

10 or more of their shows.

I see. So you never
saw my tags. Noted.

You rushed my stage
in Pittsburgh in '05,

and you stole my scarf...
that scarf... off of my neck.

You're the whole
reason I hired Jax.

You're welcome for the job, Jax.

Okay. I'm out.

Hey, wait. I made
you something.

Jax.

♪ Livin' my life
like it's golden ♪

♪ Livin' my life like
it's golden, golden ♪