Original subtitles

* HEY, MOMMA, I'M SUCH A SELFISH BASTARD *

* I STARE THROUGH DIRTY WINDOWPANES *

* AT FUMBLED D.N.A.

* THEY STUMBLE UPRIGHT NOW *

* WE'LL COME DOWN

* TO MAN-MADE FOLIAGE

* WHERE ALL THE CRAZIES BE *

* THEY'RE CRAZY JUST LIKE ME *

* EXCEPT I'M SHELTERED

* FROM THE COLD

* OH DARLING, HOLD ME TIGHTER

* SO YOUR TEETH DON'T HAVE TO CHATTER *

* WE CAN SMILE

* AT PUTRID, SENILE FACES

* TAXING WHERE OUR SPACE IS

* MAN, THAT'S LOVE

* LOVE

* LOVE LOVE LOVE

* OH, BABY, GET ME ALL

* FRESH BENT ON STIMULANTS

* MY STEMS IS STOUT FROM THE CAFFEINE *

* DRENCHED PETALS, FRAGRANCE, NICOTINE *

* AND I'LL BE ASLEEP BY 8:30 *

* IN THE MORNING

* WAKE ME GENTLY

* LIKE A BIRD OF PARADISE

* MY AGENDA IS MY VICE

* AND I'M ALL DRESSED UP WITH NOWHERE *

* TO GO, MAN

* GET OUT, MAN

* FREAK OUT, MAN...

Man: living in there with you.

I'll be by at 12:30 to collect my extra money.

Your landlord.

* FREAK OUT, MAN.

- ( kicks ) - MM.

( whispering ) JAKE, JAKE.

GET UP. WAKE UP.

I JUST GOT A MESSAGE FROM STU. HE KNOWS YOU'VE BEEN STAYING HERE.

YOU GOTTA GO. HE'S ON HIS WAY OVER. COME ON, LET'S GO. GET UP.

- GOOD MORNING. - HI. GOOD MORNING.

GOD DAMN IT.

YOU SEE WHAT YOU'VE DONE? YOU'RE TEARING MY LIFE APART, JAKE.

THERE'S SOMEONE AT THE DOOR.

DON'T MOVE. STAY. STAY.

HEY, STU.

YOU WANT SOME BREAKFAST? HOW ARE YOU DOING? YOU HUNGRY?

OH, I'D LOVE SOME LUNCH. YOU KNOW WHAT?

I WOULD LIKE A SIDE ORDER OF GREEN.

THAT WOULD BE TWO BILLS EXTRA A MONTH.

AND I NEED $1000 BACK RENT, OR YOU TWO--

- THERE'S ONLY ONE. - BALONEY THERE'S ONLY ONE!

I-- HE-- NO ONE--

WHAT'S THIS? HA, LOOK AT THAT.

HI. HOW ARE YOU? NICE NIPPLES.

HEY, STU, HOW ARE YOU?

"HEY, STU, WHAT'S HAPPENING," HUH?

IS THAT COOL? ARE YOU COOL?

- HE JUST SPENT THE NIGHT, STU. - YOU KNOW WHAT? DON'T.

HE'S HANGING OUT FOR A FEW DAYS.

CRASHING FOR A COUPLE DAYS? DON'T. DON'T. JUST DON'T PLAY ME FOR AN IDIOT.

- NO ONE'S CALLING YOU AN IDIOT. - WE ALL KNOW HOW INTELLIGENT YOU ARE.

DON'T PLAY STUPID WITH ME, 'CAUSE MRS. KLEIN ALREADY RATTED YOU OUT.

SO I WANT THE TWO OF YOU-- PAY UP OR GET OUT!

I'M SORRY, BOYS.

HE-- HE ASKED ME QUESTIONS.

I'M DISAPPOINTED, MRS. KLEIN, VERY DISAPPOINTED.

Stu: IT'S OKAY, MRS. KLEIN.

LISTEN, YOU JUST KEEP THOSE SOCIAL SECURITY CHECKS COMING

AND I'LL BE IN TO RUB YOUR CORNS.

THAT'S DISGUSTING.

THAT'S DISGUSTING? I'LL TELL YOU WHAT'S DISGUSTING.

THE TWO OF YOU MEN IN A ONE-BEDROOM HOUSE.

THE TWO OF YOU MEN DOING STUFF TO EACH OTHER.

- THIS IS DISGUSTING. - I DON'T THINK THAT'S--

OH YEAH? THAT'S FUNNY, 'CAUSE YOU REEK LIKE HIS JIZZ.

- ( laughs ) - IS THAT HOW IT WORKS?

OH, YOU KNOW, IT'S INNOCENT AT FIRST, ISN'T IT?

"OH, I GOTTA TAKE A SHOWER. LET'S SAVE WATER. IT'S TUESDAY.

WHY DON'T YOU JUMP IN WITH ME?" I WANT TWO EXTRA BILLS

AND $1000 BACK RENT,

OR FAG CITY IS GONNA BE CLOSED DOWN

BY MAYOR McCHEESE OVER HERE.

GOOD DAY! PAY UP!

JAKE, YOU GOTTA COME UP WITH $1200

BY TOMORROW MORNING!

DON'T WORRY ABOUT IT. I'LL TAKE CARE OF IT, MAN.

JAKE, YOU HAVEN'T GOT A PAYCHECK IN SIX MONTHS.

HOW ARE YOU GONNA COME UP WITH $1200 TOMORROW MORNING, JAKE?

OKAY, I'M EXPECTING A RESIDUAL CHECK ANY DAY NOW FROM THE UNDERWEAR AD.

JAKE, THE LAST TIME YOU GOT A RESIDUAL CHECK FOR THAT,

IT WAS $20.

AND YOU SPENT IT ON THE "MILF MONTHLY" SUBSCRIPTION.

YES, THAT WASN'T A VERY GOOD INVESTMENT, HUH?

YES, JAKE, THAT'S A BAD INVESTMENT.

THAT IS A VERY VERY BAD INVESTMENT.

WHAT ARE YOU TRYING TO SAY, RON?

I'M TRYING TO SAY GET A JOB.

OKAY? GET A JOB, JAKE.

ALL YOU DO IS BRING HOME HOT WOMEN

AND SLEEP WITH THEM IN MY BED.

AND I HAVE TO SLEEP ON THE COUCH IN MY OWN HOUSE.

YOU DON'T PAY FOR RENT. YOU DON'T PAY FOR GROCERIES.

- YOU DON'T DO ANYTHING. AND I'M SICK OF IT. - OKAY.

I CAN'T LIVE LIKE THIS ANYMORE. I JUST CAN'T AFFORD IT ANYMORE.

I REFUSE TO AFFORD IT. I CAN'T AFFORD IT.

I CAN'T SUPPORT YOU.

RONALD, CALM DOWN. THINGS AREN'T THAT EASY FOR ME EITHER, OKAY?

IT'S NOT LIKE I'M ON VACATION. I'M OUT THERE EVERY DAY TRYING TO MAKE A LIVING.

THINGS ARE GONNA CHANGE, OKAY?

I'M TRYING REALLY HARD. I'M GONNA MAKE THIS WORK.

I'M GONNA GET THE CASH TO YOU, I SWEAR TO GOD. I SWEAR.

I'VE GOT A CASTING IN A COUPLE OF HOURS. IT'S FOR THIS MODELING GIG.

I THINK I'VE GOT A GOOD SHOT AT IT, MAN.

I'VE GOT ONE OF THOSE REALLY GOOD FEELINGS I USUALLY GET--

A REALLY GOOD FEELING. DON'T WORRY ABOUT IT.

WELL, THAT'S WONDERFUL. 'CAUSE EVERY TIME I GO OUT,

I GET A REALLY GOOD FEELING ABOUT THIS ONE,

AND THAT SEEMS TO NEVER WORK OUT FOR ME.

OKAY, WELL, THAT'S WHERE YOU AND I DIFFER, MY FRIEND,

BECAUSE I HAVE A SECRET WEAPON-- A VERY SECRET WEAPON

WHICH WILL HELP MY SUCCESS.

I GOT MYSELF A BRAND NEW STAGE NAME.

- YOU WANT TO HEAR IT? - YEAH.

HI. I'M GERARD COLBECK.

THAT'S IT. IT'S SICK, RIGHT?

IF YOU'RE DOING GAY PORN.

LOOK, I'LL TAKE CARE OF THIS, OKAY, MAN?

I PROMISE. I'LL FIND THE MONEY SOMEHOW.

I WILL MAKE THIS RIGHT, I SWEAR.

OKAY?

OKAY? ALL RIGHT.

- WISH ME LUCK. I GOTTA GO. - GOOD LUCK.

WAIT, WHAT AM I SUPPOSED TO DO WITH THIS GIRL IN THE BED?

I DON'T KNOW. MAKE HER BREAKFAST.

WELL, WHAT'S HER NAME?

UH, DON'T KNOW.

BUT SHE'S GOT A FETISH FOR WHIPPED CREAM.

IF WE'VE GOT SOME LEFT, USE IT.

REESE'S PIECES.

UH UH, EXCUSE ME, MISS?

HI.

GERARD COBALT?

- COBALT? COLBECK? - COLBECK.

WE ARE SHOOTING A CAMPAIGN FOR BRIONI, ALL RIGHT?

AND HONESTLY, I MEAN, LOOKING AT YOU,

THIS IS KIND OF WHAT WE'RE LOOKING FOR.

I MEAN, YOU-- THIS IS OUR CLIENT MR. HARTLEY

AND MISS BARBRA SKYPES. SHE'S THE OWNER OF THE P.R. FIRM

LAUNCHING THE CAMPAIGN FOR MR. HARTLEY.

- HI. - HOW DO YOU DO?

FIRST OFF, WE'RE JUST GONNA GET A FEW SHOTS, OKAY?

WE'RE JUST GONNA SEE HOW YOU LOOK ON CAMERA

WITH OUR BEAUTIFUL GIADA HERE.

- YES YES? - HELLO, GIADA. PLEASURE.

Photographer: MM-HMM.

- JUST SORT OF GET INTO IT? - JUST, YEAH, SNUGGLE RIGHT UP.

SHE WON'T BITE. ( giggles )

SNUGGLE RIGHT IN THERE.

YES YES. UH...

UH, I DON'T--

UM...

UM...

BRIONI.

R-R-R-R.

SOPHISTICATED CHIC, YES?

LET'S JUST TRY SOME OF THOSE LOOKS-- LOTS OF EYES.

YES YES YES? OKAY.

ALL RIGHT, YES. ALIVE EYES.

YOU'RE ALIVE.

YES YES.

LET'S--

LET'S JUST TRY DOING NOTHING

WITH YOUR-- WITH YOURSELF.

- LET'S JUST TRY EMPTINESS AND EMOTIONLESS. - RIGHT.

JUST STOP DOING EVERYTHING. OKAY.

YES YES.

GOT IT. I THINK WE GOT THAT ONE.

WE'VE REALLY GOT IT. I THINK THAT'S FANTASTIC. OKAY.

REALLY?

VERY VERY EMPTY.

I'M NOT SURE I BROUGHT MY A-GAME TO THE LAST ONE.

WE GOT IT. THANK YOU.

YEAH, IT WAS ACTUALLY PRETTY GOOD. IT WAS PRETTY GOOD.

I ALSO BROUGHT A HEADSHOT FOR YOU GUYS,

IF YOU'LL PARDON THE PUN.

GET IT? HEADSHOT?

YEAH, A HEADSHOT.

( laughs )

- WE'LL BE IN TOUCH. - OR NOT.

- JUST THAT WAY. - OKAY.

ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT.

- Ronnie: OH JAKEY. - HEY BUDDY.

- DIDN'T GO VERY WELL, HUH? - I'M SORRY.

I'M SORRY, MAN. DID NOT GO WELL AT ALL.

I DIDN'T HAVE THE RIGHT LOOK THEY WANTED.

IT'S SO STUPID, MAN. THEY WERE GOING FOR THAT MIDDLE AMERICA THING.

- I DON'T GET IT MYSELF. - THAT IS KIND OF STUPID. THANK YOU.

- GRACIAS, JORGE. - JORGE, CAN YOU PLEASE GO IN THE BACK?

I'VE ASKED YOU TO GO GET SOME OLIVES FROM THE BACK. CAN YOU DO THAT, PLEASE?

JORGE. GOD DAMN IT, JORGE.

I'M SORRY. GO. GO BACK THERE.

HEY, GET IN THE GODDAMN KITCHEN.

- WHAT'S THAT GUY'S DEAL? - I DON'T EVEN THINK HE SPEAKS ENGLISH.

I DON'T KNOW IF HE UNDERSTANDS WHAT I'M SAYING.

ALL RIGHT, I HAVE TO GO MAKE SURE HE'S NOT CUTTING HIMSELF AGAIN.

- WOULD YOU WATCH THE BAR? - YEAH YEAH YEAH.

- BABY, HAVE A SEAT. - ALL RIGHT.

( sighs )

HEY YO.

HEY YO. CAN I HELP YOU?

- YOU WORK HERE, BUDDY? - I DO INDEED. WHAT CAN I GET YOU?

TWO VODKA TONICS, DOUBLES. WE'RE GETTING CRAZY TONIGHT, BABY.

- YEAH. - YES.

- DOUBLES? GETTING CRAZY, EH, BIG MAN? - YEAH.

- TWO VODKA TONICS COMING RIGHT UP. - WE'RE GETTING CRAZY.

( both laugh )

GETTING CRAZY. SORRY, I FORGET YOUR NAME.

- I DIDN'T TELL YOU. - OH, OKAY.

TWO VODKA TONICS.

- YOU'RE AN AIR SIGN, RIGHT? - YES. HOW DID YOU KNOW THAT?

I'M GONNA SAY YOU ARE AN AQUARIUS.

YES. THAT IS CRAZY.

OH MY GOD, ARE YOU LIKE PSYCHIC OR SOMETHING?

- HEY BUDDY, HEY BUDDY. - HOLD ON, PAL.

- JUST MAKE THE DRINKS, ALL RIGHT? - ONE SEC, BUDDY, ONE SEC.

- MY NAME IS CINDI. - CINDI? HMM.

CINDI, YOU DON'T STRIKE ME AS A VODKA TONIC KIND OF GAL.

I'M GONNA GO AHEAD AND SAY

YOUR FAVORITE DRINK IS

A STRAWBERRY MOJITO.

OH MY GOSH, THAT IS MY FRIGGIN' FAVORITE.

( both laugh )

YEAH, I THINK WHAT WE SHOULD DO IS

ONCE YOU'RE DONE WITH VON DOUCHE HERE, YOU AND I GET TOGETHER

- AND GRAB THAT STRAWBERRY MOJITO. - WHOA, WHAT DID YOU JUST SAY?

- I SAID ONCE YOU'RE DONE-- - HEY, COME HERE.

- COME HERE. COME HERE. - WHAT?

- OH! - I'LL CUT YOU.

- ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT. ENOUGH WITH THE 'ROID RAGE. - GET YOURSELF A TAN, ALL RIGHT?

- SHE ALREADY HAS THIS. - HEY, ENOUGH.

- SHE DOESN'T NEED THAT. - ENOUGH WITH THE 'ROID RAGE ALREADY. TAKE YOUR DRINK.

- HAVE A SANDWICH, BUDDY. - IT'S OKAY.

- WHAT'S UP WITH THAT? - Ronnie: I'M SORRY.

- Cindi: ENOUGH. - HAVE A SEAT, BABY.

- YOU ARE OUT OF CONTROL. - WHY YOU GOTTA FLIRT WITH EVERYONE, EH?

I LEAVE YOU FOR TWO MINUTES, YOU'RE STARTING FIGHTS IN MY BAR.

- I BUILT THIS FOR YOU. IT'S YOURS. IT'S MY GIFT. - ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT.

WHY YOU GOTTA LOOK AT HIM-- PALE BOY OVER THERE?

DID YOU DO YOUR ASTROLOGY MAGIC?

- I DID INDEED. - YES, DID IT WORK?

APPARENTLY IT'S ONE-IN-FOUR CHANCES,

AND THE REST IS JUST LUCK, SO, I DON'T KNOW, THE BEST ODDS I'LL EVER GET.

- HI JAKE. - JESUS. WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?

I CAME TO SEE YOU. HELLO.

YEAH, WE SHOULD PUT A BELL AROUND YOUR NECK.

HOW DID YOUR AUDITION GO?

APPARENTLY HE'S NOT MIDDLE AMERICA ENOUGH.

- HE'S BEEN WEEPING IN HIS BEER FOR LIKE 20 MINUTES. - OH, I'M SORRY.

MAYBE MOUSE CAN HELP YOU FEEL BETTER. ( laughs )

MAYBE MOUSE CAN KEEP HER HANDS TO HERSELF.

WAIT A SEC. WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING HERE ANYWAYS?

AREN'T YOU SUPPOSED TO BE AT WORK?

YEAH, WELL,

THINGS GOT A LITTLE FIRM AT THE FIRM

AND I HAD SEX WITH A CLIENT.

I'M SORRY. YOU HAD SEX WITH YOUR CLIENT?

- SO YOU GOT FIRED? - SHOCKING.

- WOW. - MY BOSS FOUND OUT ABOUT IT,

- SO I HAD SEX WITH HIM TOO. - NICE.

- AND SO THEN WE BOTH GOT FIRED. - THAT'S INTERESTING.

THAT'S GREAT. THAT MAKES TWO OF US

WHO DON'T HAVE JOBS OR ANY MONEY.

( Italian accent ) THIS IS ONE OF MY FAVORITE PLACES IN TOWN.

I'LL GET YOU THE CREAM-FILLED SKIN ROLL.

- LET'S GO. - OOH, NICE.

- WHAT A BOTTOM FEEDER. - LET'S SIT DOWN, NO?

HE'S FOR HIRE.

WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT? WHAT DO YOU MEAN, HE'S FOR HIRE?

- YEAH, LIKE AN ESCORT. - THERE'S NO SUCH THING AS A MALE ESCORT.

- OH, YOU GUYS ARE SO NAIVE. - THAT GUY'S A PROSTITUTE?

HE'S A PRETTY HOT ITEM IN THE COUGAR WORLD.

FIVE YEARS YOUNGER, I WOULD SUCK YOUR FACE OFF RIGHT HERE.

- WAITER! - YOU SHOULD GO BUST IN ON THEM,

BECAUSE COMPARED TO HIS LITTLE FAUCET,

YOURS IS A FREAKIN' FIRE HOSE.

SHE WOULD FLIP.

- EVERYBODY KNOW JAKE HAS A GIANT DICK. - YEAH, I'M JUST SAYING--

WAITER, TWO MARTINIS, PLEASE.

CHA-CHA-CHA.

WOMEN WOULD PAY FOR THAT MUSCLE OF YOURS.

GUYS, ENOUGH.

I MEAN, COME ON.

YES, THAT'S EXACTLY WHAT YOU NEED.

HEY, BARKEEP, CAN WE GET A ROUND OF DRINKS?

LOOK, NOW JORGE'S POURING DRINKS.

WHOO! ONE FOR YOU, ONE FOR YOU...

- YOU'RE NOT QUALIFIED. - Jake: JORGE, CAN YOU PASS ME A VODKA?

TWO FOR YOU AND FOR YOU. LOOKING GOOD.

JORGE, GET ME ANOTHER BEER TOO, WILL YOU?

* PARTY PARTY

* THAT GIRL'S GOT IT REAL... *

- JORGE. - AH.

HE JUST DOES THIS NOW.

MORE. COME ON.

( upbeat song continues )

WHOO!

I LOVE YOU.

OH GOD.

GOOD MORNING, SUNSHINE.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?

I SLEPT OVER, SILLY.

OH GOD. DID WE HAVE SEX?

FEELS LIKE WE HAD SEX.

DON'T WORRY ABOUT IT, JAKEY.

THE IMPORTANT THING IS WE ALL HAD FUN.

WHAT-- WHAT DOES THAT MEAN EXACTLY?

IT MEANS WHAT IT MEANS.

- DO YOU LIKE MY P.J.s? - ( door opens )

DID YOU GUYS HAVE SEX?

I DON'T KNOW. SHE WON'T TELL ME.

WELL, GUESS WHAT, JAKE. IT'S TOMORROW MORNING ALREADY.

YOU KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS? STU'S ON HIS WAY OVER HERE.

- DID YOU MAKE COFFEE? - YEAH, THERE'S COFFEE OUT THERE.

- THE LANDLORD'S COMING OVER. WHAT ARE WE GONNA DO? - ALL RIGHT.

- SHH. - SHH-- IS MONEY COMING OUT OF YOUR MOUTH?

WHERE'S THE MONEY, JAKE?

COFFEE COFFEE COFFEE.

WHAT ARE WE GONNA DO, GUYS?

- ABOUT WHAT? - THE MONEY, MOUSE, THE MONEY.

- HE OWES ME MONEY. - I'M THINKING, OKAY?

- MY LANDLORD IS COMING IN, LIKE, 20 MINUTES. - SERIOUSLY, CALM DOWN.

GOD.

OKAY, JAKE,

NO OFFENSE OR ANYTHING, BUT THE ONLY MODELING YOU'VE EVER DONE

IS ON THIS WALL RIGHT HERE, RIGHT?

- IT'S A GOOD SHOT, RIGHT? - YOU CAN'T REALLY SEE YOUR FACE, CAN YOU?

I THINK THAT IT'S PROBABLY TIME FOR YOU TO MOVE ON,

YOU KNOW, DO OTHER THINGS WITH YOUR LIFE,

LEAVE THE MODELING THING IN THE PAST.

WHAT, ARE YOU SAYING I'M A BAD MODEL?

( laughs )

JAKE, YOU'RE A FREAKIN' TERRIBLE MODEL.

OUCH, RONNIE.

I'M SORRY, YOU ARE. SOMEONE HAD TO SAY IT.

YOU'RE A BAD-- YOU'RE NOT A GOOD MODEL.

YOU DON'T HAVE TO BE SO HARSH, MAN, I MEAN, YOU KNOW?

OKAY, I'M SORRY. I DIDN'T MEAN TO BE HARSH.

IT'S JUST I'M HAVING A HARD TIME

PAYING MY STUDENT LOAN FROM MY USELESS M.B.A.

AND SUPPORTING YOU AT THE SAME TIME.

AND MAYBE YOU SHOULD GO OUT IN THE WORLD,

GET YOUR STUFF TOGETHER, GET A JOB

AND DO SOMETHING WITH YOUR LIFE.

MOUSE, YOU THINK I'M A GOOD MODEL, RIGHT?

OH, YEAH YEAH.

THE DIP IN BETWEEN YOUR BUTT CHEEKS AND THE BACK OF YOUR THIGH,

ESPECIALLY THE RIGHT SIDE-- HELLO.

ALL RIGHT, WHATEVER. THE POINT IS

THIS IS A PRETTY SERIOUS SITUATION, OKAY? WE'VE GOT TO FIGURE SOMETHING OUT.

YES, JAKE, YES.

MAYBE YOU SHOULD REASSESS YOUR SKILL SET

AND GET A JOB YOU'RE ACTUALLY GOOD AT.

THAT'S ACTUALLY NOT A BAD IDEA.

ALL RIGHT, WHAT ARE SOME SKILLS THAT I HAVE,

- THINGS I'M GOOD AT? - PICKING UP WOMEN.

DOING WOMEN,

NOT THAT I WOULD KNOW FROM RECENT EXPERIENCE.

OKAY, WHAT ELSE?

I THINK THAT'S IT. I THINK THAT MIGHT BE IT.

- JAKE. - WHAT?

THAT COUGAR FROM LAST NIGHT.

OH, MAN, I DIDN'T SLEEP WITH HER, DID I?

NO NO, THE BOY TOY THAT SHE WAS WITH.

I DEFINITELY DIDN'T SLEEP WITH THAT GUY. I'D REMEMBER THAT.

NO, THAT'S NOT WHAT I'M SAYING, ALTHOUGH THAT'D BE HOT.

NO, DO YOU REMEMBER HIM?

- YEAH, VAGUELY. - WELL, I THINK

HE MAKES A PRETTY GOOD LIVING TAKING OUT LONELY BABES.

I BET HE DOES.

AND YOU COULD PROBABLY DO THE SAME.

OH, NO, THAT'S A TERRIBLE IDEA.

I COULD BANG FOR BUCKS.

- EVERYONE'S GOT TO MAKE A LIVING. - THAT'S GROSS.

OH, NO, I THINK I COULD DO THAT.

- I COULD BE YOUR MANAGER. - OH MY GOD.

WAIT A SEC. YOU MEAN PIMP. YOU WANT TO BE MY PIMP.

MANAGER. MANAGER SOUNDS BETTER ON A BUSINESS CARD.

YEAH, YOU KNOW, WITH MY P.R. SKILLS

AND MY OLD JOB ALONE-- I KNOW SO MANY COUGS

THAT WOULD LOVE TO TAKE OUT LITTLE JAKEY HERE,

OR SHOULD I SAY BIG JAKEY?

OH. OKAY.

ALL RIGHT, JUST SAY I DO THIS--

I WOULDN'T WANT TO SLEEP WITH ALL THE WOMEN, BECAUSE I'D FEEL SOMEWHAT DIRTY.

OH, COME ON, YOU'VE BEEN DIRTIER.

- WOULD I HAVE TO SLEEP WITH ALL THE WOMEN? - NOT IF YOU DON'T WANT TO.

OH, DUDE, I CAN GO BY GERARD-- MY STAGE NAME.

- GERARD. - YEAH, I LIKE IT-- GERARD.

OKAY. WE COULD MAKE SOME REAL MONEY OFF THIS, COULDN'T WE?

OH, TOTALLY. I MEAN, DEFINITELY.

IN A COUPLE OF WEEKS WE'LL BE ROLLING IN IT.

OF COURSE IN THE BEGINNING

THERE'LL BE SOME START-UP COSTS.

HOW MUCH MONEY DID YOU MAKE LAST NIGHT?

HUH-UH. HUH-UH.

- RONNIE MONEY, WE NEED YOU. - NO NO.

- WE NEED IT. OH, COME ON, PLEASE. - NO NO.

IN NO TIME HE'S GONNA HAVE THE PAYBACK AND THE RENT-- IN A WEEK, I PROMISE.

AND I PROMISE, IF YOU FRONT ME THIS CASH

PLUS TWO WEEKS' RENT, I'LL TOTALLY PAY YOU BACK.

NOTHING TO LOSE AND EVERYTHING TO GAIN.

COME ON. YOU MIGHT EVEN GET A GIRLFRIEND.

- FINE FINE. - ( squeals )

RONNIE MONEY HONEY,

HONEY, WE'RE GONNA MAKE SOME MONEY.

I'M THE PIMP. I'M THE PIMP. WHO'S THE PIMP NOW?

LOOK, FIRST THINGS FIRST.

IF YOU'RE GONNA GO FOR A COUGAR, YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO STEP IT UP A NOTCH,

- GET YOU SOME STYLE. - ALL RIGHT, WHATEVER.

OH WAIT, I THINK THIS IS IT. YEP, IT IS.

OKAY, HE'S DOING ME A HUGE FAVOR, SO COME ON.

- HI. - HI.

- DOMINIC HAS BEEN WAITING FOR YOU. - HEY, I'M JAKE.

- UM, YOU CAN STEP UP. - OF COURSE, YEAH.

- DOMINIC. - HI.

- THIS IS JAKE. - YEAH, YOU'RE ALREADY JUMPING UP THERE, ARE YOU?

- HEY, HOW ARE YOU? - HOW ARE YOU DOING?

- GOOD, THANK YOU. GREAT. - WELL WELL WELL.

OOH, SOMEONE MADE THE RIGHT CAREER CHOICE.

( Mouse and Dominic laugh )

I DIDN'T HAVE MY BREAKFAST TODAY, SO YOU'D BETTER WATCH OUT.

I MEAN, BOING! HELLO.

- LET ME JUST CHECK THIS INSEAM RIGHT HERE. - DUDE.

WOULDN'T WANT YOU BURSTING OUT OF THOSE BRITCHES NOW, WOULD WE?

- WOW. - THANKS SO MUCH FOR DOING THIS.

- YOU'RE SUCH A SWEETHEART. - Both: MWAH!

UH, MOUSY, WHAT IS JORGE DOING HERE?

- HE'S MY INTERN. - HE'S YOUR INTERN?

DOES RONNIE KNOW? BECAUSE I'M SURE HE'D BE VERY INTERESTED

TO FIND OUT YOU'RE POACHING HIS EMPLOYEES.

UM, SWEETIE, YOU'VE GOT A BIG OLD PACKAGE,

BUT YOU NEED A BODY.

LISTEN, I CAN TAILOR YOU ALL UP AND MAKE YOU LOOK ALL HOT AND SHIT.

HOWEVER, YOU NEED SOME GYM ACTION.

LOOK AT THESE FLABBY ARMS HERE, LITTLE CHICKEN ARMS.

- ( squawks ) - HE'S RIGHT, JAKE.

OKAY, SO DO YOU HAVE ANY SUGGESTIONS FOR ME? I LIVE OFF LAUREL CANYON.

DO I HAVE ANY SUGGESTIONS?

I AM AN OVERLY OPINIONATED HOMOSEXUAL

LIVING IN WEST HOLLYWOOD.

I AM THE PROUD FATHER

OF A PUREBRED COCKAPOO-- LITTLE LILY ALLEN.

- YOU WOULD DIE FOR HER. - AWW.

DO I KNOW A GYM?

HONEY, A BUTCH GYM, LIKE YOU.

AND COME ON BACK HERE AND I'LL HAVE YOU WORK ON SOME GLUTES.

SO WE'RE ALL THROUGH HERE, RIGHT?

GOOD STUFF. THANK YOU. THANK YOU.

- Dominic: KEEP IT COMING. - I'LL WAIT OUTSIDE.

OH GOD.

OH MY GOD.

THIS IS YOUR GENIUS PLAN, P.R. GURU--

PLACE AN AD IN A NEWSPAPER?

WHO EVEN READS A NEWSPAPER ANYMORE?

I KNOW WOMEN WHO READ ARE A LITTLE BIT OUT OF YOUR COMFORT ZONE,

BUT I'M TELLING YOU THIS IS OUR PERFECT TARGET DEMO.

- PLEASE, I KNOW HOW TO READ. - YEAH.

- WELL, IF YOU SAY SO. - YEAH, I SAY SO.

- HEY LOOK, JUST GO PLACE THIS AD. - ALL RIGHT.

BECAUSE I HAVE TO MAKE SOME PHONE CALLS TO GET YOU SOME BUSINESS.

ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT. THANK YOU, THANK YOU.

- HELLO THERE. - GOOD MORNING. I'M JEANIE.

- HELLO, JEANIE. - WELCOME TO "THE HOLLYWOOD BEAT,"

THE LARGEST AND LONGEST-RUNNING INDUSTRY NEWSPAPER IN ALL OF LOS ANGELES,

ESTABLISHED 1921, WINNER OF THE 2009 REEL TIME AWARD FOR ENTERTAINMENT JOURNALISM.

HOW CAN I HELP YOU?

THEY REALLY MAKE YOU SAY A LOT, DON'T THEY?

YEAH, THEY DO.

MY NAME IS JAKE DYLAN.

AND I'M LOOKING TO PUT AN AD IN THE NEXT WEEK'S NEWSPAPER.

OH GREAT. I WILL CALL OUR ADVERTISING MANAGER.

PERFECT. THANK YOU.

ROBERT, I HAVE A MR. DYLAN HERE

THAT WOULD LIKE TO PLACE AN AD.

GREAT. HE'LL BE RIGHT OUT.

- PERFECT. - CAN YOU DO ME A FAVOR?

I WOULD LOVE TO DO YOU A FAVOR.

BE PATIENT WITH HIM.

HE'S VERY SENSITIVE ABOUT HIS IMPAIRMENT.

HIS IMPAIRMENT?

YOU'LL SEE. JUST BE PATIENT.

THANK YOU. THANKS A LOT.

- ACTUALLY, YOU MIND IF I ASK YOU A QUESTION? - SURE.

YOU SEEM TO BE IN OUTSTANDING SHAPE.

I WAS WONDERING IF THERE WAS, LIKE, A GYM

OR SOMETHING LIKE A GYM AROUND HERE

WHERE I COULD MAYBE, YOU KNOW, BULK UP A LITTLE BIT.

YEAH, ACTUALLY I GO TO A GREAT YOGA STUDIO DOWN THE STREET

- CALLED BACK DOOR YOGA. - BACK DOOR YOGA?

THEY HAVE GREAT BERRY PROTEIN SHAKES

AND MY FRIEND NORAH IS THE INSTRUCTOR. SHE'S REALLY GOOD.

HER MOM'S BEST FRIENDS WITH MY MOM.

YEAH, BUT IT'S GREAT FOR YOUR CORE.

CLEARLY-- CLEARLY GREAT FOR YOUR CORE.

IT'S NOT LIKE A GREASY, SWEATY, SMELLY--

OH, NO NO, JUST GOOD OLD AMERICAN YOGA.

BUT THE CLASSES ARE MOSTLY GIRLS.

- WELL, THAT'S OKAY. - EXCEPT FOR ROBERT-- MY BOSS.

I TOOK ROBERT ONCE AND NOW HE GOES ALL THE TIME.

YOU LOVE IT, DON'T YOU, ROBERT?

HELLO.

ROBERT, THIS IS JAKE.

( stuttering ) MM--

MR. DYLAN.

- YO. - JAKE.

HERE'S ALL THE INFORMATION THAT YOU WILL NEED.

AND I HOPE TO SEE YOU AT YOGA.

I HOPE TO SEE YOU AT YOGA TOO. THANK YOU.

OH, DON'T WANT TO FORGET THIS.

CAN'T FORGET MY AD, CAN I? THANK YOU.

Jake: OKAY, IT'S JUST--

- ( stuttering ) - OH, SORRY.

DO YOU MIND?

S-S-S-S-S-SO

YOU WANT TO PLACE AN AD?

YES, I WOULD INDEED.

RIGHT HERE.

"BOY TOY FOR HIRE.

ARE YOU BORED WITH LONELY NIGHTS ALONE?

ARE YOU TIRED OF BEING A THIRD WHEEL?

DO YOU JUST WANT TO HAVE SOME FUN?

WELL, IF SO, CALL THE BOY TOY!

555-0188. SATISFACTION AND DISCRETION GUARANTEED."

BLAH BLAH BLAH. THERE YOU GO.

THERE'S A PICTURE THAT GOES WITH IT TOO.

NICE, EH?

OKEY-DOKEY.

I GOTTA CALL IT

TO MY DESIGNER.

S-S-STAN,

IT'S M-ME.

I HAVE AN AD.

"BOY TOY

FOR HIRE.

BORED WITH

LONELY N-N-N--"

WHAT?

YEAH, I CAN START OVER.

HEY, LOOK, IF IT'S EASIER, I CAN READ IT TO THE GUY.

BLOW IT OUT YOUR BUTTHOLE.

FAIR ENOUGH.

LET ME DO MY JOB.

- OKAY. - "BORED--

BORED WITH

L-L-L-LONELY NIGHTS ALONE?

TIRED OF

- BEING A THIRD WHEEL? - WHEEL.

JUST WANT TO HAVE

SOME F-F-F--

JUST--

HI. YEAH.

NO, IT SAYS, "BOY TOY FOR HIRE.

ARE YOU BORED WITH LONELY NIGHTS ALONE? JUST WANT TO HAVE SOME FUN?

CALL THE BOY TOY! 555-0188.

SATISFACTION AND DISCRETION GUARANTEED."

ALL RIGHT. B-B-BYE.

( chuckles ) ALL RIGHT.

HOW MUCH DO I OWE YOU?

$2100.

WHOA, $2100? FOR WHAT, MAN?

WHAT DO YOU-- WHAT DO YOU EXPECT?

THIS-- THIS ISN'T

"THE SAVER."

THIS IS "THE HOLLYWOOD BEAT"--

OF COURSE NOT.

- --THE NUMBER-- - ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT.

200 RIGHT NOW. THE REST I'LL GET TO YOUR RECEPTIONIST OUT FRONT, OKAY?

- GREAT. THANK YOU. - --ONE NEWSP--

- LOOK AT THAT. - --THE NUMBER ONE

NEWS-- NEWSPAPER--

- ALL RIGHT. - --THE LONGEST--

- --RUNNING NEWSPAPER. - --RUNNING NEWSP--

- ( game playing on TV ) - SHOOT SHOOT.

- OH, YOU SON OF A BITCH. - ( cell phone ringing )

- YOU BASTARD. - THAT WAS CLOSE, MAN.

- Jake: IS YOUR PHONE RINGING? - YEAH.

- LET ME GRAB THAT FOR A SEC. - NO, JAKE.

- ONE SECOND. - JAKE, JAKE.

LISTEN, RONNIE, I THINK I USED

YOUR TELEPHONE NUMBER IN THE AD.

- YOU THINK YOU DID? - HELLO, THIS IS BOY TOY.

- OH HEY, MOUSE. - SHOOT!

YEAH, SOME CHICK GAVE ME THE ADDRESS TO THIS YOGA PLACE.

NO, I'M GONNA HEAD THERE NOW.

OKAY, BYE. THERE YOU GO.

SHE DIDN'T WANT TO TALK TO ME?

ARE YOU BUSY RIGHT NOW?

I'M WATCHING THE GAME.

I'M GONNA NEED A RIDE TO YOGA IN ABOUT FIVE MINUTES.

ALSO I'LL NEED TO BORROW A PAIR OF SHORTS, MAYBE A TOP.

- ( buzzer sounds ) - GOAL! YES!

OH, WHAT A GOAL!

THIS IS THE SPOT RIGHT HERE.

OKAY. GOOD?

YEAH.

- A HUG? - NO.

OKAY, GOOD. ALL RIGHT, BE SAFE.

CALL YOU LATER.

OKAY.

MAKE ME PROUD.

DO IT FOR ME.

- LOVE YOU, BUDDY. - LOVE YOU.

- HELLO. - HELLO.

WHAT'S UP?

WHOA.

* I WANT A HUNK, A HUNK

* I WANT A HUNK, A HUNK *

* I WANT A HUNK, A HUNK

* I WANT A HUNK, A HUNK... *

I LOVE YOGA.

HI. NORAH.

NICE. I'M JAKE.

LISTEN, THIS IS MY FIRST TIME TO YOGA,

SO I DIDN'T REALLY KNOW WHAT TO WEAR, YOU KNOW,

IF YOU COULD TELL BY WHAT I'M WEARING.

I CAN SEE THAT.

LISTEN, I WAS WONDERING MAYBE YOU AND I COULD PARTNER UP OR SOMETHING

AND YOU COULD SHOW ME A FEW MOVES.

THANK YOU. ACTUALLY I'M GONNA SHOW YOU PLENTY OF MOVES.

- I'M THE INSTRUCTOR. - OH, YOU'RE THE INSTRUCTOR.

OH, THAT'S GREAT. I'VE GOT A REALLY NATURALLY ATHLETIC BODY,

SO DON'T HOLD BACK. PUSH ME.

OKAY, I'LL KEEP THAT IN MIND.

WHAT ARE YOU DRINKING THERE? DON'T TELL ME. LET ME GUESS.

IT'S A PROTEIN STRAWBERRY BLUEBERRY MOCHA-SHAKE?

- WATER. - GOD, WATER.

- I WAS CLOSE, WASN'T I? - CLOSE.

LET ME GUESS, YOU'RE TRYING TO GUESS WHAT SHE LIKES TO DRINK

SO SHE MIGHT ACTUALLY FALL FOR ONE OF YOUR LITTLE HIGH SCHOOL ONE-LINERS.

ACTUALLY YEAH.

OH, WELL, THAT'S TOO BAD, BECAUSE MY FRIEND NORAH HERE

HAS A VERY STRICT PERSONAL AND PROFESSIONAL POLICY

WHERE SHE DOES NOT DATE HER STUDENTS--

- BUT I-- - --EVER.

WHICH IS SUCH A SHAME.

BUT IT'S NOTHING PERSONAL.

I JUST DON'T DATE MY STUDENTS. WHY DON'T YOU GO FIND A SPOT?

I THINK YOU GUYS GOT THE WRONG IMPRESSION ABOUT ME, OKAY?

I'M HERE FOR MY JOB AND TO WORK OUT, MAYBE--

JAKE, I'M SO GLAD THAT YOU CAME.

- ISN'T THIS THE CUTEST YOGA STUDIO EVER? - YEAH.

AND YOU MET MY FRIEND NORAH. NORAH'S THE BEST.

- I DID. SHE'S GREAT. - THANKS, JEANIE.

- HI KYLIE. - BYE JEANIE.

THERE'S ROOM NEXT TO ME IN THE BACK.

- I-- NO-- - YEAH, COME ON.

THANKS FOR BRINGING YOUR GIRLFRIEND.

REMEMBER, A NATURALLY ATHLETIC BODY. PUSH ME.

- WHAT A LOSER. - GO TO YOUR MAT.

ALL RIGHT, GUYS, WELCOME.

LET'S JUST STAND HERE FOR A SECOND

BREATHING IN, LETTING GO OF OUR WHOLE DAY,

PUTTING IT OUT THE DOOR, FOCUSING ON THE PRESENT MOMENT,

INHALING,

EXHALING THROUGH OUR NOSE. GREAT. WONDERFUL.

THESE LOOK BEAUTIFUL, YOU GUYS--

BEAUTIFUL.

OKAY, LET'S INHALE.

ON THE EXHALE, LET'S BEND THAT FRONT LEG A LITTLE BIT DEEPER.

WONDERFUL. LET'S STAY THERE,

INHALING, EXHALING, RELAXING OUR SHOULDERS.

THAT FRONT KNEE IS BENT. GREAT. WONDERFUL.

THESE LOOK BEAUTIFUL, YOU GUYS-- BEAUTIFUL.

OKAY, LET'S INHALE.

ON THE EXHALE, LET'S BEND THAT FRONT LEG.

GREAT. GOOD JOB, JAKE. UH-HUH.

OKAY, LET'S KEEP OUR FRONT LEG BENT, BACK LEG STRAIGHT.

- HIPS ARE GONNA BE FACING THE FRONT OF THE ROOM. - ( Robert farts )

GREAT JOB, YOU GUYS.

EVERYONE DID FANTASTIC.

YEAH.

SEE YOU NEXT WEEK.

OH, WASN'T THAT SO RELAXING?

RELAXING IS NOT REALLY A WORD I'D USE

- TO DESCRIBE WHAT WE JUST DID. - OH, SORRY.

I WAS THINKING ABOUT GOING TO THE PARK AND TAKING A RUN. YOU WANT TO COME?

- THAT'S ACTUALLY A GREAT IDEA. - YEAH?

YEAH, BUT I'M GONNA STAY HERE FOR A WHILE. BUT I'LL MEET YOU UP LATER ON.

YEAH? PINKIE PROMISE?

- OKAY, GREAT. - OKAY.

- I'LL SEE YOU LATER ON. - SURE.

( sighs )

GOOD JOB, ROBERT. YOU'RE A NATURAL.

REALLY?

- SEE YOU NEXT CLASS? - YEAH, FOR SURE, YEAH.

- OKAY. BYE, GUYS. - ( cell phone ringing )

BOY TOY.

( gasps )

( buzzing )

IS THAT MY BEARD TRIMMER?

YEAH YEAH, MAN.

I'VE GOT TO FREE THE COBRA FROM THE JUNGLE, YOU KNOW?

( buzzing continues )

YOU MIND?

COME ON.

THANKS, BUDDY.

QUESTION IS, WHO'S THE FIRST LUCKY LADY

TO JUMP ON THE JAKE TRAIN?

BITCH IS HOT.

YEAH, SHE'S GOT A HANDFUL.

( quiet music playing )

I LIKE THIS PLACE.

A GREAT PLACE.

CHEERS TO US.

SO, SANDRA DEAN,

TELL ME ABOUT YOURSELF. WHERE ARE YOU FROM?

WELL, I'M A SOUTHERN GAL, PUMPKIN.

I'VE HAD FIVE LOVING HUSBANDS.

- FIVE? - BUT THEY ALL KEELED OVER

BEFORE OUR FIVE-YEAR ANNIVERSARY.

WELL, I GUESS I JUST BURN THEM OUT.

OOH OOH.

THEY CAN'T HANDLE TOO MUCH SANDRA DEAN!

( upbeat song playing )

OH, I LOVE THIS SONG.

( snapping fingers )

HI JAKE. REMEMBER ME?

BECCA. BECCA.

OF COURSE I REMEMBER YOU. HOW COULD I FORGET YOU,

BECCA?

ALL RIGHT.

THAT'S MY-- MY AUNT SANDRA, MY FATHER'S SISTER.

SO WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN? I HAVEN'T HEARD FROM YOU AFTER THAT NIGHT.

OH, I WAS-- I'VE BEEN, YOU KNOW,

IN THE WITNESS PROTECTION PROGRAM.

- OH. - GERARD, COME ON.

- GERARD? - UM, THAT'S MY COVER NAME.

OH, ALL RIGHT.

- YOU SHOULD CALL ME... - I WILL.

- ...WHEN YOU'RE DONE WITH THIS WITNESS PROTECTION THING. - YEAH.

I'VE REALLY MISSED YOU.

- SAME NUMBER? - UH-HUH.

- ALL RIGHT, GREAT. - BYE.

OH MY SWEET HEAVEN, THAT'S YOUR DATE?

OH MY GOD, SHE'S SMOKING HOT.

I'LL GO OUT WITH HER FOR MONEY.

NO NO, THAT'S NOT MY DATE. MY DATE'S RIGHT BEHIND YOU.

REALLY?

WHO'S THIS?

THIS GENTLEMAN IS A FRIEND OF MINE NAMED RONNIE.

- HI HI. - YEAH, SAY HI.

NICE TO MEET YOU. YOU'RE GERARD'S--?

- I LIKE. - OH, SHE'S--

HOW MUCH MORE FOR A THREESOME?

- FOR A THREESOME? - WE-- I DON'T THINK--

WOW, I DON'T KNOW. HOW MUCH IS A THREESOME?

( giggling )

* SO BE MY BABY GIGOLO

* AND GO WHEREVER I WILL GO... *

HA HA! MM!

TAKE THIS OFF.

* IT WON'T TAKE

* ANY TIME AT ALL...

WAIT WAIT WAIT. WHOA, ONE SEC, ONE SEC.

SORRY, SANDRA, I DON'T-- I DON'T DO IT.

YOU DON'T DO WHAT?

I DON'T DO IT. I DON'T GO ALL THE WAY.

I'M SORRY. IT'S NOTHING PERSONAL.

IT'S MORE OF A PROFESSIONAL THING I HAVE, YOU KNOW?

WELL, HOW ABOUT A DRY HUMP?

WHAT?

- YOU JUST SIT THERE. - NO, I KNOW WHAT IT IS.

I'LL DO ALL THE WORK.

( Sandra moaning )

( laughing )

* I HAD A FEELING IT WAS LOVELY *

* AFTER I SAW YOUR PHOTOGRAPH *

* YOU LOOK SO GOOD IN BLACK AND WHITE... *

( screams )

* YOU KNOW THAT FEELING

* WHEN YOU SEE SOMETHING YOU REALLY GOTTA HAVE *

* EVEN IF ONLY FOR A NIGHT? *

* SO BE MY BABY GIGOLO...

HEY, NORAH, I'VE GOT A BIT OF A PROBLEM.

YOU SEE, THERE'S THIS REALLY GREAT BAND PLAYING THIS FRIDAY

- AT A FRIEND OF MINE'S BAR. - WHAT'S THE PROBLEM?

I HAVEN'T FIGURED OUT A WAY TO GET YOU TO COME WITH ME YET.

LOOK, JAKE, I DON'T REALLY DATE MY STUDENTS.

OKAY OKAY, THAT'S FINE.

WELL, WE CAN GO AND CALL IT A STUDENT-TEACHER CONFERENCE,

YOU KNOW? IT'LL BE FUN.

I DON'T KNOW HOW TO SAY THIS POLITELY,

BUT I REALLY DON'T DATE GUYS IN YOUR LINE OF WORK.

MY LINE OF WORK?

YEAH, LET ME GUESS, YOU ARE A HOLLYWOOD SOMETHING.

HOLLYWOOD SOME--? NO, I'M MORE OF

AN ENTERTAINMENT ENTREPRENEUR, YOU KNOW?

COME ON, WE'LL GO OUT JUST FOR A FEW DRINKS.

IT'LL BE GREAT.

WHAT DO YOU SAY?

COME ON.

OKAY, FINE FINE FINE, AS A STUDENT-TEACHER, OKAY?

- A STUDENT-TEACHER? - YES.

SO HER NAME IS MARY

AND YOU'RE PICKING HER UP AT HER PLACE.

AND SHE'S GOT THE DATE ALL PLANNED.

OKAY, PLEASE TELL ME SHE'S AN UPGRADE FROM MY LAST CLIENT.

OH, FOR SURE. SHE'S SO MUCH MORE MATURE.

MATURE? REALLY? I CAN DEAL WITH THAT.

READ 'EM AND WEEP, SUCKERS.

OH, DID WE WIN? I DON'T UNDERSTAND THIS GAME.

DAMN RIGHT. I'VE BEEN TAKING MONEY

FROM DIERDRA SINCE THE EISENHOWER ADMINISTRATION.

- SHE CHEATED. - I HEARD YOU.

- GOOD. - YOU WANT A PIECE OF THIS?

OKAY, WHOA WHOA WHOA. IT'S NOT WORTH IT,

OKAY, MARY? SHE'S NOT EVEN IN YOUR CLASS.

DID YOU CALL MY DIERDRA AN ASS?

WHAT?

NO NO NO, FRED. NO, FRED.

RELAX, BUDDY. I DIDN'T CALL HER AN ASS, ALL RIGHT?

YOU DON'T WANT TO BUST YOUR HIP OR BUST A LUNG. FRED, FRED.

TONGUE? YOU CAN SLIP HER SOME TONGUE?

LISTEN, BOY, YOU STAY OFF MY WOMAN.

WHAT? LOOK, I WASN'T TALKING TO YOUR WIFE, FRED.

- FREDDY, I THINK I WET MYSELF. - I WAS TALKING TO MARY.

OH GOD. JESUS, FRED.

HOW DO YOU LIKE ME NOW, PERVERT?

- DAMN IT. JEEZ. - KICK HIS WRINKLED ASS, GERALD.

- WHAT DID YOU DO THAT FOR? - BRING IT ON, SONNY.

- I'M NOT GONNA FIGHT YOU. I'M NOT GONNA HIT YOU. - COME ON.

- I THINK I WET MYSELF, FREDDY. - YOU'RE JUST JEALOUS

- BECAUSE FRED CAN'T GET HIS DING-A-LING UP ANYMORE. - I'M NOT GONNA FIGHT YOU.

- Jake: THANK YOU FOR EVERYTHING. - ARGH!

NOW YOU THREW YOUR BACK OUT. I HOPE YOU'RE HAPPY.

- ( Fred moaning ) - SEE YOU LATER, SUCKERS.

LET'S GET YOUR STUFF HERE.

OKAY, LET'S GO. CALM DOWN.

Jake: THESE WOMEN REFLECT POORLY

ON ME AS A PROFESSIONAL, MOUSE.

WE NEED TO STEP UP OUR GAME.

I DON'T UNDERSTAND WHY YOU'RE COMPLAINING.

YOU JUST MADE $2000 THIS WEEK.

THAT'S MORE MONEY THAN YOU MADE IN THE LAST YEAR.

- YOU MADE $2000 THIS WEEK? - YEAH.

- DO I GET TO SEE ANY OF THAT? - NO, NOT RIGHT NOW.

DO YOU KNOW WHY? BECAUSE I WAS THE ONE THAT GOT DRY-HUMPED BY THE WHALEOPOLUS.

I WAS THE ONE WHO HAD TO MAKE OUT WITH A SENIOR CITIZEN

ON THE SIDEWALK IN BROAD DAYLIGHT, NOT YOU TWO.

OKAY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT YOU WANT FROM ME.

NO ONE SAID THIS JOB WOULD BE FUN. RONNIE, DID YOU SAY THIS JOB WOULD BE FUN?

I DID NOT SAY THIS JOB WOULD BE FUN.

IT'S NOT ABOUT FUN, YOU IDIOTS.

IT'S ABOUT PROFESSIONALISM, OKAY? WE NEED TO UPGRADE

IF WE'RE GONNA ATTRACT NEW CLIENTS. DON'T YOU GET THIS?

I'M ALSO GOING TO NEED A NEW CAR.

HOW CAN YOU HAVE A NEW CAR IF YOU DON'T HAVE A CAR TO BEGIN WITH?

- YEAH. - HAVE YOU FORGOTTEN ABOUT MY CAR--

MY LIFE'S SAVINGS FOR MY SMART CAR?

LISTEN TO ME, OKAY?

THERE'S OVER $2000 HERE.

BUT WE NEED TO REINVEST IT BACK INTO THE COMPANY.

DO YOU GET THAT? SO, MOUSE, TAKE THIS,

GO GET ME A CAR-- A SWEET CAR, A REALLY SWEET CAR.

I CAN'T DRIVE THAT BEATER ANYMORE.

FINE.

ALSO I GET FINAL APPROVAL ON ALL THE DATES.

DO YOU UNDERSTAND? I ONLY WANT HOT COUGARS FROM NOW ON.

NO MORE B-TEAM NONSENSE, OKAY?

THEY HAVE TO BE HOT-- HOT WOMEN, HOT COUGARS, HOT PEOPLE.

- OKAY. - DID YOU GET IT?

- I GOT IT. - GOOD.

ONE MORE THING-- I'M GOING ON A DATE WITH NORAH THIS EVENING.

I'M TAKING HER TO THE HORNTOAD.

I PROBABLY WON'T BE PAYING FOR ANYTHING,

NOR WILL I LEAVE A TIP, JUST SO YOU KNOW.

WHEN DO YOU EVER PAY FOR ANYTHING?

THAT'S MY ROOM, DICKHEAD.

- Norah: THANK YOU. - Ronnie: YEAH, NO PROBLEM.

- ( bottles jingle ) - OH.

IS THAT YOUR BUDDY?

YEAH YEAH, THAT'S MY BEST FRIEND RONNIE.

WE MOVED OUT HERE TOGETHER WHEN WE GRADUATED COLLEGE.

- YOU WENT TO COLLEGE? - I DID.

YES, I GRADUATED WITH A B.A. IN WOMEN'S STUDIES.

- YOU'RE JOKING. - IF YOU CAN'T GET IN TOUCH WITH YOUR OWN FEMININE SIDE,

HOW ARE YOU SUPPOSED TO BE ABLE TO TOUCH SOMEBODY ELSE'S FEMININE SIDE?

( laughs )

SO WHAT ABOUT THIS NEW JOB?

IT'S SORT OF COMPLICATED. SEE, A FRIEND OF MINE--

MOUSE-- SHE'S IN P.R.

AND SHE SORT OF HIRED ME ON

AS A-- AS AN EVENT PLANNER--

HOSTING PARTIES FOR RICH FOLK, THAT KIND OF THING.

- THAT'S COOL. - YEAH YEAH.

IT'S BASICALLY JUST HIGH-CLASS PARTIES FOR RICH PEOPLE.

I'M LIKE AN M.C. BASICALLY.

I JUST SORT OF TAKE CARE OF DIFFERENT PEOPLE'S NEEDS,

DEPENDING ON THE PARTY.

THAT'S INTERESTING.

SO A PRETTY SOUTHERN GIRL LIKE YOURSELF

LIVING IN LOS ANGELES IS SINGLE. HOW IS THIS POSSIBLE?

I DECIDED A WHILE AGO I WASN'T GONNA DATE MODELS

OR WANNABE PRODUCERS OR ACTORS.

SO THAT PRETTY MUCH RULES OUT EVERYBODY IN L.A.

YEAH, AND THE ONLY ONES THAT ARE LEFT ARE THESE MACHO,

LOOK-HOW-EXPENSIVE-MY-WATCH-IS TYPES, YEAH.

- BALLERS. - BALLERS.

AND WITH THOSE GUYS-- THEIR EGO IS ALWAYS BIGGER THAN THEIR MANHOOD.

- OH. - AND IT'S A LITTLE DISAPPOINTING.

WOW, FORTUNATELY FOR ME, I POSSESS NONE OF THOSE TRAITS.

I AM NOT MACHO. I DON'T EVEN OWN A WATCH.

HOWEVER, I AM RATHER WELL ENDOWED.

REALLY? WOW.

- REALLY? - NO, I'M NOT.

- ( applause ) - WE SHOULD HEAD OVER THERE THOUGH.

YES, SHOULD WE? YEAH, OKAY.

* I AM STANDING IN MY BARE FEET *

* WATCHING YOU

* DRIVE AWAY

* LAST NIGHT KEEPS RUNNING THROUGH MY HEAD... *

WHY ARE MEN SO OBSESSED WITH THEIR PENIS SIZES?

I THINK IT WAS YOU WHO BROUGHT UP MEN'S PENIS SIZES ACTUALLY.

I THINK THAT YOU'RE RIGHT.

* IT'S BEEN SO LONG...

THIS IS A REALLY GOOD BAND. I HOPE YOU LIKE THEM.

WHAT? YOU'RE GLAD I LIKE YOU?

WHAT?

YES.

- I MEANT THE BAND. - OH, THE BAND?

- YEAH, I THOUGHT YOU SAID-- - YEAH, I LOVE THE BAND.

DO YOU LIKE ME?

OH MY GOD, YEAH. THEY'RE GREAT.

* THIS ADDICTION

* IF I SEE YOU AGAIN

* I DON'T KNOW WHAT I'D DO *

* THE FEELING STILL REMAINS *

* I THINK I'VE GOT

* A HANGOVER FROM YOU

* LAST NIGHT I LOOKED INTO YOUR EYES *

* AND SAW A FIRE BURNING BRIGHT... *

HOLY SHIT. CHECK IT OUT.

THAT'S THE P.R. LADY FROM THAT CASTING I BOMBED, REMEMBER?

SHE'S JUST A SEARING-HOT LITTLE MILF.

OH, I TOTALLY KNOW HER. THAT'S BARBRA SKYPES.

SHE OWNS ONE OF THE BIGGEST P.R. FIRMS HERE IN L.A.--

TOTALLY LOADED AND SUPER SINGLE.

SHE'D BE A GREAT CLIENT.

ALL RIGHT, I'LL SEE YOU TWO LOSERS LATER.

- HAVE FUN AT SCHOOL, SWEETIE. - THANKS, BABY.

- WHAT ARE YOU DOING SITTING HERE? GO SIGN HER UP. - OH, RIGHT.

- GET PAID. - I'M ON IT.

MAKE MONEY. DADDY NEEDS A NEW CAR.

- GREAT. - MISS SKYPES.

- MAY I HELP YOU? - HI. I'M MINDY LEE.

HEY. I USED TO WORK FOR MR. CAHILL

AND I'M ALSO ACQUAINTANCES WITH YOUR FRIEND CLIVE.

- CLIVE? - YEAH.

OH, BUT DON'T WORRY. EVERYTHING I KNOW AND DO

IS ALWAYS IN COMPLETE CONFIDENCE.

AND HOW CAN I HELP YOU THEN, MINDY?

OH, PLEASE CALL ME MOUSE.

MOUSE-- THAT NAME DOES RING A BELL ACTUALLY.

AND YOU SAID YOU USED TO WORK FOR MR. CAHILL?

- I DID. - AH, I KNOW EXACTLY WHO YOU ARE.

YOU'RE THE ONE WHO SLEPT WITH CAHILL AND GOT HIS CHAUVINISTIC ASS FIRED.

- THAT'S ME. - OH, THANK YOU.

I TELL YOU, I ALWAYS THOUGHT HE WAS A JERK.

BUT SINCE YOU GOT HIM FIRED, MY BUSINESS HAS GONE UP 20%.

YEAH, WELL, HE WASN'T MUCH OF A GOOD LAY EITHER.

OH GEE, WHY AM I NOT SURPRISED AT THAT?

SO, MINDY-- MOUSE, WHAT CAN I DO TO HELP YOU?

I WAS THINKING

THAT SINCE, YOU KNOW, I HELPED YOU WITH YOUR BUSINESS,

YOU CAN HELP ME WITH MINE.

I HAVE A REALLY INTERESTING PROPOSAL FOR YOU.

WELL, I'M ALWAYS OPEN TO INTERESTING PROPOSALS,

ESPECIALLY FROM ENTERPRISING YOUNG WOMEN LIKE YOURSELF,

SO GO RIGHT AHEAD.

WELL, DO YOU REMEMBER THAT UNDERWEAR CAMPAIGN YOU WORKED ON?

THERE WAS A MODEL NAMED GERARD.

GERARD?

SO, MOUSETRAP, I'VE GOT A QUESTION FOR YOU.

HOW DID YOU MANAGE TO LAND BARBRA?

WHAT CAN I SAY? I'M A SALESWOMAN.

DON'T SCREW THIS UP, JAKE.

I MEAN, BARBRA IS HUGE.

SHE COULD BE A REALLY BIG CLIENT FOR US.

YOU KNOW, IF SHE LIKES YOU, SHE MIGHT DROP YOUR NAME

TO ALL HER RICH OLD FRIENDS.

MOUSE, HAVE I EVER LET YOU DOWN BEFORE?

NOPE. ( laughs )

JORGE.

FASTER.

LOOK WHAT SHE SENT OVER.

SHE WANTS YOU TO WEAR THIS TO THE CHAMPAGNE THINGY.

- YEAH YEAH YEAH. - SHE'S A DEMANDING WOMAN.

OH YEAH, THAT'S SNAZZY ALL RIGHT.

THAT IS A SHARP-LOOKING SUIT, BOY-O.

WELCOME TO FIRST CLASS.

NO KIDDING.

ALL RIGHT, I'M GONNA GO THROW IT ON.

- DO YOU NEED HELP? - NO, THAT'S OKAY.

- NO, I THINK YOU-- - IT'S OKAY.

COME ON, JAKE.

- DASHELLE. - HELLO, BARBRA.

OH, WELCOME. SO GLAD YOU CAME.

- THANKS. - Jake: HEY.

THAT'S DASHELLE JONES. HE'S IN BENJY BRATT'S NEW FILM.

- RIGHT. - SOFIA.

OH, THAT COVER LAST MONTH WAS FABULOUS.

- THANK YOU, BARB. - THANKS.

OH, THAT POOR GIRL. I TELL YOU,

SHE JUST LOOKED TERRIBLE ON THAT COVER--

ALL THAT COKE SHE'S SHOVELING UP HER NOSE.

HELEN, WHAT A SURPRISE.

BARBRA, YOU SURE KNOW HOW TO THROW A PARTY, LADY.

HELLO. AND YOU ARE?

THIS IS GERARD, HELEN, AND HE IS WITH ME TONIGHT.

OH, WOW, WHAT A GORGEOUS SUIT.

PAWS OFF OR WE'LL HAVE TO GET YOU DECLAWED.

PLEASURE TO MEET YOU, HELEN.

IT'S GOOD TO MEET YOU.

AND PLEASE CALL ME PEACHES,

LIKE THE SWEET FRUIT.

AND ON THAT LINE,

I THINK WE WILL EXIT.

Woman: PEACHES, DARLING,

COME LOOK AT THE MAGNIFICENT WATERFALL.

- HAVE A SEAT. - OKAY.

GERARD, I LIKE YOU.

SO FAR YOU'VE BEEN AN EXCELLENT DATE.

OH GREAT.

SO WHY DON'T WE GET A FEW GROUND RULES SET, SHALL WE?

- SURE. - YOU'RE TO NEVER FLIRT,

FONDLE OR FORNICATE WITH ANY OF MY FAMILY OR FRIENDS

UNLESS GIVEN SPECIFIC CONSENT AHEAD OF TIME.

NO PROBLEM.

- YOU'RE A QUICK LEARNER. - AH.

IF YOU'RE GOOD TO ME, I'LL BE GOOD TO YOU.

THAT'S WHY I'M HERE.

WHICH BRINGS US TO THE SEXUAL SIDE.

I TAKE CARE OF MYSELF,

I HAVE A PLETHORA OF TOYS AT HOME THAT GIVE ME

A LOT MORE PLEASURE THAN THE AVERAGE MAN CAN OFFER.

WELL, I'M NOT THE AVERAGE MAN,

BUT I TOTALLY UNDERSTAND WHERE YOU'RE COMING FROM.

AND I'D ALSO LIKE TO POINT OUT

THAT YOU ARE MY VERY BEST CLIENT.

WELL, AS LONG AS YOU TREAT ME WITH RESPECT,

YOU WILL MAKE A PRETTY PENNY BEING ON MY ARM.

AND I MIGHT RECOMMEND YOUR SERVICES TO SOME OF MY FRIENDS.

REALLY? THAT'S GREAT.

AND IF I CAN SPEAK FRANKLY,

I MUST SAY THAT YOU ARE BY FAR

THE MOST STUNNING 35-YEAR-OLD WOMAN I HAVE EVER SEEN.

WHAT A CHARMING LIAR.

SHALL WE?

WE SHALL.

* SATURDAY...

* YOU WERE A CHRISTIAN MAN, MR. MCCANN *

* WORKED YOU SO HARD IN THE WEEK, YOU COULDN'T STAND IT *

* WEAK AND REPRIMANDED, WAS GETTING HANDED *

* SAID YOU'D NEVER SMART THAT GIRL, BUT SHE WAS CANDID *

* ANYTHING TO MOVE THOSE FEET FROM WHERE THEY'RE PLANTED *

* OH, THE ANTICS GOT SUPPLANTED *

* LITTLE WHITE DEVIL, AND SHE SOUNDED ROMANTIC *

* SWEET SEMANTICS, SMILE NOW, CRY LATER *

* TAILORED TIGHT TO THE CROTCH *

* STRIPED COLORED SHIRT, MATCHING BELT, MATCHING WATCH *

* CATCHY BLOND TINTS ON THE FADE IN THE TIPS *

* TO THE TOP OF THE HAIR, EVEN TRIMMING DOWN BARE *

* THE DEVIL-MAY-CARE ATTITUDE, WASN'T YOU *

* BUT TONIGHT THE COSTUME, IT WAS BUSINESS ONLY *

* SWOOPING UP A VICTIM, CHICKENS LEAVING YOU LONELY *

* SMOKING PACKS OF CIGARETTES JUST LIKE YOUR HOMIES *

* THEM CHAIN-SMOKING PHONIES IN LINE TO RIDE THE PONY *

* ERRONEOUS TALK, MOTORMOUTH HERE NEEDS A SOCK *

* YOU COULD HAVE CONTROLLED YOUR COCK, SLOBBER PUSS GOT YOU LOCKED IN *

* WALKED INTO A SITUATION NOBODY WAS BLOCKING *

* IN THE MORNING IT WAS SHOCKING, WORKING HARD, PARTY HARDER *

* BARTERED WITH THE DEVIL AND BECAME A MARTYR *

* AND FOUND YOURSELF A PARTNER IN DRAG, HIS NAME IS EBONY *

* SOLD YOUR SOUL TO THE NIGHT, THE MORNING FEELS EMPTY *

* YOU WORK SO HARD

* WITH LITTLE SLEEP TO KEEP THAT CARD *

* YOU SOLD YOUR SOUL ON A SATURDAY NIGHT *

* YOU SOLD YOUR SOUL ON A SATURDAY NIGHT *

* YOU WORK SO HARD

* WITH LITTLE SLEEP TO KEEP THAT CARD *

* YOU SOLD YOUR SOUL ON A SATURDAY NIGHT *

* YOU SOLD YOUR SOUL ON A SATURDAY NIGHT *

* SATURDAY...

OH YEAH.

YOU KNOW, THAT'S QUITE A PHYSIQUE YOU HAVE, GERARD.

THANK YOU, BARBRA.

I HAVEN'T WORKED OUT IN SIX MONTHS,

BUT I HAVE STARTED YOGA.

MAY I ASK YOU SOMETHING?

ANYTHING.

ARE YOU HAPPY?

BARBRA, I COULDN'T BE HAPPIER.

AND I OWE IT ALL TO YOU

AND OF COURSE MOUSE FOR HOOKING US UP.

YEAH, FOR THE FIRST TIME IN MY LIFE

I HAVE EVERYTHING I EVER WANTED-- MONEY, WOMEN,

A BED THAT DOESN'T SMELL LIKE CHEETOS AND PISS.

IT'S GREAT.

WELL, THERE IS SOMETHING TO BE SAID FOR THAT.

SO THE LADIES ARE TREATING YOU WELL?

CLIENTS, YOU MEAN?

OH YEAH, I FORGOT.

YEAH YEAH, MOSTLY THEY'VE BEEN GREAT.

ALTHOUGH HELEN-- SHE GOT A LITTLE UPSET

WHEN I TOLD HER I DON'T SCREW.

BUT SHE SEEMED TO GET OFF JUST FINE LICKING MY EARS,

WHICH IS KIND OF WEIRD, BUT, YOU KNOW,

GOES WITH THE TERRITORY, RIGHT?

HMM.

THAT'S WHY I LIKE YOU, BARBRA, YOU KNOW?

I DON'T FEEL DIRTY WHEN I'M WITH YOU.

I FEEL LIKE YOU ACTUALLY

YOU APPRECIATE ME FOR ME, YOU KNOW?

ABOUT THAT-- GERARD, THERE'S SOMETHING

- I'VE BEEN WANTING TO TALK TO YOU ABOUT. - SURE.

EXCUSE ME, MISS SKYPES, THERE'S A MR. CLIVE HERE TO SEE YOU.

CLIVE? OH MY GOD.

DARLING, HOLD THAT THOUGHT.

I'LL BE RIGHT BACK.

( cell phone ringing )

HELLO.

HEY, BABY, WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

UM, I'M WITH A CLIENT RIGHT NOW ACTUALLY.

OH, OKAY, REAL QUICK-- WHAT ARE YOU DOING TONIGHT?

I HAVE A SURPRISE FOR YOU.

Really? A naked surprise?

MAYBE.

HOW'S LIKE 7:00?

7:00? YEAH. YEAH, I CAN DO THAT.

See you then.

ALL RIGHT.

( kissing )

- THANK YOU. - HI.

YOU'RE FALLING FOR HIM, AREN'T YOU?

- YOU'RE FALLING HARD. - MAYBE.

HOW IS HE IN THE SACK?

I DON'T KNOW.

OH MY GOD, WHAT?

YOU HAVEN'T SLEPT WITH HIM YET?

YOU ARE SUCH A GOOD GIRL.

WHEN IS THE BIG DATE, HUH?

I THINK TONIGHT MAYBE.

- OOH. - I DON'T KNOW. I MIGHT AS WELL, RIGHT?

- YEAH, I THINK SO. - I'M PRETTY MUCH A BORN-AGAIN VIRGIN.

I JUST WANT TO, I DON'T KNOW, TEST THE WATERS,

SEE EXACTLY WHAT I'M GETTING INTO.

HMM, INTERESTING.

YOU'RE GONNA NEED TO MAYBE TAKE THOSE GRANNY PANTIES OFF.

- STOP STOP. - WHAT DO YOU HAVE IN THERE?

- STOP IT. STOP IT. - LET ME SEE, LET ME SEE.

I THOUGHT WE HAD SOMETHING SPECIAL, BARBIE.

OH, DON'T CALL ME THAT. NOW, CLIVE, LOOK,

I HAVE TOLD YOU. I DON'T KNOW HOW TO MAKE IT ANY CLEARER:

I'VE MET SOMEONE ELSE. I'VE MOVED ON

AND YOU GOTTA GO.

WHY? IS HE HERE?

WHERE IS HE? I'LL FIND THAT SON OF A BITCH.

CLIVE, NOW.

WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS TO ME, MY QUEEN?

NONE OF THE OTHER LADIES-- THEY DON'T CALL ME BACK IN, LIKE, A MONTH.

I CAN'T PAY MY RENT. I-- I--

I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO.

PLEASE PLEASE, I HAVEN'T HAD SEX IN THREE DAYS.

PLEASE TAKE ME BACK. I'M SO SORRY.

I'LL EVEN LET YOU DO THE THING THAT YOU DO--

THE TICKLE IN MY BOOM-BOOM, REMEMBER?

CLIVE, LOOK, I'VE MET SOMEONE ELSE.

YEAH, WELL, DOES HE HAVE A GREEK GODDESS BODY?

( grunts )

THAT IS A GODDESS.

MM, IS EVERYTHING OKAY HERE, BARBRA?

EVERYTHING IS FINE, GERARD.

GERARD?

THIS IS THE FAMOUS GERARD?

HE LOOKS-- HE LOOKS LIKE A WET DOG.

LOOK, IS THERE SOMETHING I CAN DO FOR YOU, MAN?

THERE'S SOMETHING. YOU AMERICANS ARE THE SAME.

YOU THINK YOU CAN JUST WALK IN HERE

AND TAKE WHATEVER YOU WANT, YEAH?

I AM THE ONLY BOY TOY IN THIS TOWN, OKAY?

I LAY THE SALAMI AROUND THESE PARTS.

OKAY.

CLIVE, LOOK,

IF YOU DON'T LEAVE I'M GONNA CALL THE POLICE.

YOU PICKED THE WRONG CLIVE TO MESS WITH, BUDDY.

YOU'RE ACTUALLY THE ONLY CLIVE I KNOW, SO...

WELL, CLIVE THIS.

NO.

- ARE YOU OKAY? - YEAH YEAH.

DUDE.

OW, GOD.

I FIGHT FOR MY LOVE.

BARBIE, I WILL ALWAYS LOVE YOU.

OH, I USED TO LOVE IT WHEN HE SLAPPED ME LIKE THAT.

COME ON, HE'S JUST BITTER.

LET'S GET SOME ICE ON THAT EYE.

Jake: SO, BARBRA,

LISTEN, BARBRA, I REALLY GOTTA GET GOING.

BARBRA?

YOU KNOW, I WAS THINKING, GERARD,

WE MIGHT TAKE THIS ARRANGEMENT TO THE NEXT LEVEL.

LET'S CALL IT A PROMOTION.

OH, WOW.

OH SHIT.

YEAH, I THOUGHT I WOULD CHANGE INTO

SOMETHING A LITTLE MORE COMFORTABLE.

INDEED.

YOU KNOW, YOU ARE SUCH A GOOD-LOOKING YOUNG MAN.

BARBRA, I COMPLETELY AGREE WITH YOU ON THAT, I REALLY DO,

BUT AS MUCH AS I HATE TO DO THIS TO YOU,

I HAVE TO GO.

I HAVE A PERSONAL ENGAGEMENT I HAVE TO GET TO.

A PERSONAL ENGAGEMENT?

YOU KNOW, I'M THE BOSS AND I DON'T RECALL

SCHEDULING ANOTHER MEETING.

YOU HAVEN'T FORGOTTEN THAT I'M PRIORITY NUMBER ONE, RIGHT?

NO, NOT AT ALL.

BUT IT'S A PERSONAL THING. IT'S NOT A PROFESSIONAL THING.

SO YOUR PERSONAL LIFE

IS STARTING TO INTERFERE WITH YOUR WORK LIFE.

DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW MANY MEN

WOULD LOVE TO BE WITH ME RIGHT NOW?

CLIVE, FOR INSTANCE.

I FIRED HIM. DID YOU KNOW THAT?

HE WAS YOU BEFORE YOU WERE YOU.

LOOK, I'M REALLY SORRY, BUT IT'S PER--

I FIRED HIM AND HIRED YOU.

MOUSE ASSURED ME YOU WOULDN'T CREATE ANY PROBLEMS.

LOOK, IT'S NOT A PROBLEM. IT'S A PERSONAL THING.

I NEED TO GET TO IT. I REALLY DO, OKAY?

- BUT I COULD COME BACK. - WHAT TIME?

- 9:30. - SHARP.

SHARP.

THANK YOU.

NOW SHE WANTS TO TAKE THINGS TO THE NEXT LEVEL--

THE NEXT LEVEL.

I CANNOT DO THIS ANYMORE, YOU GUYS. I CAN'T.

I DON'T UNDERSTAND WHY YOU DIDN'T JUST SLEEP WITH HER.

RIGHT, JORGE?

PLEASE DON'T BRING JORGE INTO THIS. HE CAN'T EVEN SPEAK ENGLISH.

LOOK, I CAN'T SLEEP WITH BARBRA.

I REALLY WANT TO SLEEP WITH NORAH.

AND YOU CAN'T DO BOTH BECAUSE--?

I THINK I'M FALLING IN LOVE WITH HER.

WHAT?

JAKE, WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?

OKAY, THIS IS SO NOT GOOD.

I MEAN, THERE'S NO ROOM FOR LOVE HERE, OR WE'RE SCREWED.

I THINK IT'S REALLY BEAUTIFUL, MAN.

I'M SO HAPPY FOR YOU, MAN. THIS IS WONDERFUL.

I'M SORRY, GUYS. I HAVE TO TELL HER, LIKE, TONIGHT.

I GOTTA TELL HER THE ENTIRE BOY TOY STORY. I GOTTA--

- I CAN'T DO THIS TO HER ANYMORE. - OKAY, JAKE, AS YOUR MANAGER

AND YOUR PIMP, I STRONGLY ADVISE AGAINST THIS.

WELL, I'M SORRY, BUT I DON'T CARE WHAT YOU ADVISE ANYMORE.

SO WHAT, YOU'RE JUST GONNA THROW THIS ALL AWAY?

DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD I'VE WORKED?

YOU KNOW, THIS ISN'T JUST ABOUT YOU, JAKE.

YOU GOT A COMMISSION ON EVERY JOB, DIDN'T YOU?

RONNIE GOT HIS MONEY BACK. HE GOT HIS SMART CAR.

LOOK, MAYBE BARBRA WILL UNDERSTAND. MAYBE YOU'RE RIGHT.

I WAS BEING NICE. BARB WILL FLIP.

SHE WILL RUIN YOU. YOU WILL NEVER WORK IN THIS TOWN AGAIN.

YOU'LL BE LUCKY IF YOU CAN NAIL A 50-YEAR-OLD CRACK WHORE.

WELL, MAYBE I DON'T WANT TO DO THIS ANYMORE, OKAY?

MAYBE WE DON'T NEED ALL THIS STUFF.

I'LL FIND SOMETHING ELSE TO DO WITH MY LIFE.

OH YEAH, WITH YOUR WOMEN'S STUDIES DEGREE.

YEAH, YOU COULD WORK AT A WOMEN'S HEALTH CLINIC

INSPECTING MOLDY VAGINAS.

- WHAT? - VAGINAS GET MOLDY?

THAT'S DISGUSTING. GOODBYE, MOUSE.

OH. I LOVE YOU.

LOVE YOU TOO.

( screams )

- THIS IS IT. - YAY.

OH, MAMA MIA.

NOW I GOT YOU, YOU SON OF A GUN.

( laughs ) YES.

YOU NEVER SAID WHAT HAPPENED TO YOUR FACE.

OH YEAH, I KIND OF FELL OUT OF BED THIS MORNING, HIT THE FLOOR.

- HI. - HI.

HI. WE HAVE A RESERVATION FOR TWO. THE NAME'S JAKE DYLAN.

- SURE, RIGHT THIS WAY. - GREAT. THANK YOU.

WAIT, YOU FELL OUT? WAIT, WHAT?

I JUST ROLLED OVER TO THE SIDE.

OH, HONEY, THIS PLACE IS SO ROMANTIC.

- THANK YOU. - YOU'RE WELCOME.

Norah: WOW.

THANK YOU VERY MUCH.

- A DRINK LIST? - YES.

WELL, WE WON'T BE NEEDING THESE.

HELLO. WHAT CAN I GET YOU TO DRINK?

WE'RE GONNA TAKE A BOTTLE OF YOUR FINEST CHAMPAGNE, PLEASE.

- OH, WOW. - COMING RIGHT UP.

WATCH OUT, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN. HE IS TRYING TO GET ME DRUNK.

BIG TIME.

THANK YOU.

THANK YOU...

YEAH.

...FOR SUCH A LOVELY EVENING.

YEAH, IT WAS GOOD. IT WAS REALLY GOOD.

ARE YOU OKAY?

I NEED TO TELL YOU SOMETHING AND IT'S PRETTY IMPORTANT.

I NEED TO TELL YOU SOMETHING TOO.

OKAY, BUT LET ME GO FIRST, BECAUSE I REALLY NEED TO GET THIS ONE OUT.

LADIES FIRST.

WHEN I MET YOU, I ASSUMED

THAT YOU WERE LIKE EVERY OTHER WANNABE IN THIS TOWN.

I MEAN, ANYBODY AS CUTE AS YOU

IS USUALLY A PLAYBOY.

YEAH.

WHAT I'M TRYING TO SAY IS

THAT I NEVER THOUGHT THAT I WOULD FEEL

THE WAY I DO ABOUT YOU.

AND I'M SORRY THAT I JUDGED YOU

BEFORE I GOT TO KNOW YOU.

YEAH, I NEVER THOUGHT

I'D FEEL THIS WAY ABOUT YOU EITHER,

OR ANY OTHER GIRL FOR THAT MATTER, WHICH IS WHY I--

* MY HEART

* CAN BARELY START

* EVERY BEAT

* WHAT I FEEL

* IS THE HEAT IN YOUR EYES *

* LET IT SHINE DOWN ON ME... *

I'M NOT-- I'M NOT--

I'M NOT USED TO THIS RELATIONSHIP--

YOU KNOW, ACTUALLY--

ACTUALLY FEELING STUFF, YOU KNOW?

BUT I LIKE IT.

IT'S NICE, HUH?

YEAH.

YEAH, IT IS.

- Norah: GREAT JOB, EVERYBODY. - ( Jake sighs )

- ( Ronnie sighs ) - YEAH?

THAT WAS GREAT.

- OH, THAT WAS GREAT. - THANK YOU.

- I LOVED IT. - YEAH, TRIPPY, MAN.

ALL THESE STRETCHES ARE TOTALLY GONNA ADD TO MY SEXUAL REPERTOIRE.

WHY DO YOU THINK I STARTED YOGA?

OH, WOW.

SWEETIE, ARE YOU OKAY? YOU LOOK STRESSED.

ACTUALLY I REALLY NEED TO TALK TO YOU ABOUT SOMETHING.

YEAH, OF COURSE. I'LL JUST GRAB MY STUFF.

ALL RIGHT.

- Ronnie: WOW. - Jake: SHE'S GREAT, ISN'T SHE?

- Mouse: SHE'S A CATCH. - DUDE, DUDE, WE GOT TROUBLE.

Ronnie: SCHEISSE. ISN'T THAT THAT--?

SERIOUS.

READY, SWEETIE.

- Mouse: HI. - MOM?

- NORAH. - BARBRA.

GERARD.

- NORAH. - MOM, WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?

"MOM"?

OH MY GOD, MOM, THIS IS JAKE.

THIS IS THE GUY I'VE BEEN TELLING YOU ABOUT.

WAIT A SECOND, WHO'S GERARD?

- I AM. I'M GERARD. - NO NO NO NO.

GERARD IS JAKE, DARLING.

AND GERARD STOOD ME UP LAST NIGHT.

JAKE, WHAT IS SHE TALKING ABOUT?

MOM, WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?

JAKE, WOULD YOU LIKE TO EXPLAIN? NO NO, LET ME DO IT.

YOU KNOW, I JUST LOVE A GOOD STORY.

DARLING, YOU SEE,

JAKE HAS RECENTLY BEEN IN MY EMPLOY.

YOUR EMPLOY?

YES, SORT OF A PERSONAL EMPLOYEE, YOU MIGHT SAY.

H-HE'S A B-B-BOY T-T--

HE'S A BOY TOY LIKE ME,

ONLY YOUNGER AND,

BY THE BULGE IN HIS SWEATS, I THINK HE HAS BIGGER PENIS.

YOU'RE AN ESCORT?

- NO NO, LOOK-- - YES.

I CAN EXPLAIN ALL OF THIS.

- IN A WORD. - MAYBE.

YES, I AND AN ASSORTMENT OF OTHER LADIES

PAY JAKE VERY HANDSOMELY TO ACCOMPANY US

TO VARIOUS FUNCTIONS AND EVENTS.

BUT WHAT I DIDN'T KNOW UNTIL LAST NIGHT

IS THAT HE ALSO KNEW YOU.

YOU SAID YOU WERE AN EVENT HOST.

WELL, LOOK, HOSTING THESE DATES

IS LIKE HOSTING AN EVENT, SO...

- YEAH. - TOO TRUE. THAT'S REALLY--

SO WHEN GERARD FAILED TO SHOW UP AS PROMISED LAST NIGHT,

I WAS FORCED TO DOWNGRADE TO CLIVE HERE

WHO HELPED ME TRACK YOU DOWN.

I MUST SAY, JAKE, STANDING ME UP IS ONE THING,

BUT TO STAND ME UP FOR MY OWN DAUGHTER--

I'M SORRY, OKAY? I DIDN'T KNOW SHE WAS YOUR DAUGHTER. I HAD NO--

YOU'RE APOLOGIZING TO HER?

NO NO, I'M NOT APOLOGIZING TO HER, OKAY? I DIDN'T KNOW SHE WAS YOUR MOTHER.

I WAS ON MY WAY TO TELL YOU, ALL RIGHT? I ALMOST--

OH, LIKE I ALMOST HAD SEX WITH YOU LAST NIGHT? OH WAIT, I DID.

OH, DISGUSTING. I LIKE IT.

GET THE--

LOOK, NORAH, I HAD NO IDEA SHE WAS YOUR MOTHER, OKAY?

- YOU HAVE TO BELIEVE ME. - OH!

JESUS.

GOD DAMN IT.

- ( Mouse yelps ) - Ronnie: RIGHT IN THE--

FUCK.

JAKE BABY,

I GAVE YOU A FEW SIMPLE RULES

AND YOU JUST COULDN'T FOLLOW THEM.

NOT ONLY HAVE YOU SCREWED ME OVER,

YOU HAVE EMBARRASSED MY DAUGHTER.

AND NOBODY MESSES WITH MY FAMILY.

GOT IT?

I KNOW. THIS WAS A COMPLETE MISTAKE.

I NEVER MEANT TO HURT YOU OR YOUR DAUGHTER.

OH, JAKE, YOU JUST SCREWED THE WRONG LADY.

YOU STAY THE HELL AWAY FROM MY DAUGHTER

AND YOU STAY THE HELL AWAY FROM ME.

WELL, BARBRA, THAT'S GONNA BE A BIT OF A PROBLEM,

BECAUSE I'M KIND OF IN LOVE WITH YOUR DAUGHTER RIGHT NOW.

GEE, YOU SHOULD HAVE THOUGHT OF THAT

BEFORE YOU STARTED DATING HER MOTHER. CLIVE.

( chuckles ) I'M BACK IN BUSINESS, BABY.

WHO'S THE MAN NOW, GERARD?

- CLIVE. - COMING, MY QUEEN.

SHE'S GONNA FORGET ABOUT THAT IN THE MORNING.

- CLIVE. - LITTLE PENIS.

* YOU STOLE MY HEART

* AND YOU PUT IT IN A BOX *

* THREW IT IN THE RIVER

* AND FILLED IT UP WITH ROCKS *

* NOW I'M DOWN AND OUT AND EMPTY *

* BUT THROWN OUT UNDER THE BUS *

* AND I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO *

* GONNA BUY A GUN

* AND I'M GONNA KILL CUPID *

* 'CAUSE HE MISSED ME WITH THE LOVE SHOT *

* AND HIT ME WITH THE STUPID *

* OH, GONNA GET A GUN

* AND I'M GONNA KILL CUPID *

* 'CAUSE HE MISSED ME WITH THE LOVE SHOT *

* AND HIT ME WITH THE STUPID *

* AND I FEEL STUPID

* OH, I'VE BEEN DECEIVED

* THOUGHT YOU WERE MEANT TO BE *

* BUT YOU'RE NOT

* OH, YOU'RE SUCH A...

* YOU'RE A LIAR AND A THIEF *

* OH, YOU'RE A LIAR

* YOUR PANTS ARE ON FIRE... *

Ronnie: COME ON, JUMP OFF HIS DICK.

THE GUY'S IN PAIN. LOOK AT HIM.

HE'S HURTING. WE NEED THE OLD JAKE BACK.

THE OLD JAKE IS GONE. I'M A ONE-WOMAN MAN NOW, OKAY?

GOD DAMN IT, JAKE-- HE IS NOT GONE.

HE IS REPRESSED. HE IS THERE.

WHAT HAPPENED TO THE JAKE THAT PIONEERED

THE DOUBLE-DECKER THREEWAY, HUH?

WHAT HAPPENED TO THE JAKE THAT WAS BANNED

FROM SEVEN DIFFERENT SORORITY HOUSES?

WHAT HAPPENED TO THE JAKE

THAT NEEDED BI-WEEKLY S.T.D. TESTS?

- EWW. - I DON'T MISS TAKING THOSE.

- YES, BUT YOU MISS THE REST OF IT, RIGHT? - YEAH.

GOD DAMN IT, JAKE, WE'RE GETTING YOU LAID TONIGHT.

GUYS, IT'S A MONDAY. WHAT ARE WE GONNA DO ON A MONDAY?

GOD DAMN IT.

WE HAVE THIS HOUSE FOR ANOTHER NIGHT, RIGHT?

- HOUSE PARTY! - YEAH! I LIKE IT.

ALL RIGHT, SHIT, SHOWER AND SHAVE, BIG GUY.

YOU TOO, JORGE. EVERYBODY'S GONNA GET LAID TONIGHT.

( dance music playing )

Ronnie: MY HEART'S BEATING SO FAST NOW.

SEE, THIS IS WHY I DON'T WANT TO BE TOO CLOSE--

'CAUSE I THINK WE BOTH MIGHT HAVE HEART ATTACKS.

YOU KNOW WHAT I'M SAYING?

OH MAN, I GOTTA GO CHECK ON MY FRIEND.

- PLEASE DON'T GO ANYWHERE. - OH, OKAY.

DON'T MOVE. WAIT RIGHT HERE FOR ME, OKAY?

DON'T MOVE.

MY GOD, WHAT'S WRONG WITH YOU?

- WHAT? - YOU CAN'T SWING YOUR DICK IN THIS PLACE

WITHOUT HITTING SOME HOT PIECE OF ASS.

NO NO, I DON'T KNOW, MAN. I THINK WE DISTURBED THE CHI IN THIS PLACE, BUDDY.

WHAT THE HELL IS THE CHI?

CHI-- IT'S THIS YOGA STUFF NORAH'S BEEN TEACHING ME, YOU KNOW?

IT HAS TO DO WITH, LIKE, GOOD VIBES AND GOOD ENERGY-- THAT KIND OF STUFF.

I'M PICKING UP SOME REALLY BAD CHAKRAS HERE, MAN.

I'M NOT GONNA LAST.

CHAKRAS? I THOUGHT THOSE GAVE YOU GAS.

LOOK, MY BLONDE'S TALKING TO SOMEBODY ELSE NOW.

- THAT SUCKS. - THAT SUCKS BIG TIME. YOU GO DO SOMETHING, OKAY?

I CAN'T HAVE YOU STANDING OVER HERE LOOKING GLUM.

- GO LAY YOUR YOGA STUFF ON THESE GIRLS, MAN. - OKAY.

THEY LOVE YOGA STUFF.

OKAY, I'LL SEE YOU IN A SEC.

WAIT WAIT WAIT, HAVE YOU LEARNED

- HOW TO SUCK YOUR OWN DICK? - OH, OKAY, ALL RIGHT.

'CAUSE IF I COULD SUCK MY OWN DICK, I JUST WOULDN'T EVEN LEAVE.

- OH MY GOD, JAKE. - OH MY GOD.

WHAT THE HEY, THIS IS YOUR PARTY. WHAT A COINKY-DINK.

I HAD NO IDEA THAT YOU LIVED HERE.

- THIS IS MY FRIEND RONNIE. I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU'RE HERE. - HI.

- THIS IS AMAZING. - YEAH, MY FRIEND MANDY HERE-- SHE WAS LIKE,

"OKAY, LET'S TOTALLY NOT GO TO THAT PARTY 'CAUSE THERE'S NOT GONNA BE CUTE GUYS THERE."

I WAS LIKE, "YEAH, THERE'S TOTALLY GONNA BE CUTE GUYS HERE."

AND THERE TOTALLY ARE CUTE GUYS HERE. AND THANK GOODNESS

I PAINTED MY NAILS TO MATCH MY DRESS, RIGHT?

- YEAH, YOU DID. - SO THIS IS YOUR PARTY. THIS MUST BE YOUR PLACE.

YOU WANT TO GIVE ME A TOUR, MAYBE SHOW ME YOUR BEDROOM?

- ACTUALLY I WAS JUST-- - YOU USED TO PLAY BASEBALL, RIGHT?

YOU WANT TO SHOW ME YOUR BALLS? OKAY, LET'S GO.

REALLY? YOU WANT TO SEE THESE THINGS?

MY BASEBALLS OR THESE BALLS?

OH, WOW.

WHOO!

WHOO-HOO!

THIS IS SO MUCH FUN, ISN'T IT? IT'S GOING SUPER WELL.

( inhales ) MM.

OKAY, ALL RIGHT.

OKAY.

OKAY, THIS IS TOTALLY NOT LIKE ME. I NEVER HOOK UP WITH RANDOM GUYS

BECAUSE I'M TOTALLY PARANOID ABOUT S.T.D.s AND TEEN PREGNANCY AND--

- NOT THAT I'M A TEEN. - NO, THAT'S GOOD.

BUT YOU CAN NEVER BE TOO SURE, ESPECIALLY WITH GUYS.

WHOA. WHY DON'T I PUT ON SOME MUSIC? WHAT DO YOU THINK?

OH MY GOSH, MUSIC WOULD BE GREAT. THAT IS SO ROMANTIC.

- AND GUESS WHAT. - WHAT?

I'VE BEEN BEEN PRACTICING SOMETHING JUST FOR YOU.

YOU DON'T SAY. WHAT IS IT?

IT'S CALLED THE BELGIAN PRETZEL.

I LEARNED IT ON THIS NAUGHTY YOGA WEBSITE.

YOU JUST TAKE YOUR ARMS LIKE THIS, PUT YOUR LEGS LIKE THIS.

THAT'S WHAT YOU'VE BEEN PRACTICING? OH WOW.

IS THIS TOO ADVANCED FOR YOU?

I KNOW SOME BEGINNER KAMA SUTRA STUFF IF THAT WOULD WORK BETTER.

IT JUST REMINDS ME OF NORAH.

YOU'RE THINKING OF NORAH?

YEAH YEAH, I AM.

OKAY, YOU KNOW WHAT? YOU TOTALLY SHOULDN'T BE,

BECAUSE SHE IS, LIKE, WAY OVER YOU

AND I'M HERE AND I'M DOING THIS YOGA POSE WHICH IS REALLY HARD.

SHE WOULDN'T EVEN BE ABLE TO DO IT. WE JUST GO BETTER TOGETHER.

YOU KNOW, WE CLICK. ( snaps fingers )

LOOK, I'M REALLY SORRY. I JUST-- I CAN'T DO THIS WITH YOU RIGHT NOW.

OKAY, WELL, IF RIGHT NOW DOESN'T WORK, HOW ABOUT TOMORROW?

I'M FREE AFTER WORK ON MONDAY. TUESDAY I'M--

- RIGHT. - BUT I CAN SEE YOU AFTER YOGA.

WEDNESDAY I HAVE MY MANICURE AND PEDICURE,

BUT WE CAN DO IT RIGHT AFTER THAT. AND THEN--

- ( door opens and closes ) - OKAY, BYE.

LOOK WHAT YOU DID. YOU MADE HIM WORSE.

OKAY, I'M SORRY, OKAY? I'M SORRY.

I THOUGHT A PARTY WOULD MAKE HIM FEEL BETTER.

I DIDN'T KNOW HE GREW A CONSCIENCE. DON'T YOU WORRY, JAKEY.

THESE EGGS I'M MAKING-- THEY'RE MAGIC EGGS.

RONNIE'S FAMOUS EGGS-- THEY'LL CURE YOU.

I DON'T WANT THE MAGICAL EGGS, RONNIE.

I JUST WANT NORAH BACK, MAN.

- WELL, CHRIST ALMIGHTY. - GOD, LIFE SUCKS WITHOUT HER.

WELL, WEEPING LIZARDS, GO GET HER BACK IF YOU WANT HER THEN.

DON'T JUST SIT HERE AND WHINE.

Jake: IF YOU PUT IT THAT WAY-- SURE, NO PROBLEM.

I'LL JUST RUN ON OVER TO HER PLACE AND KNOCK ON THE DOOR,

TELL HER I'M SORRY FOR BEING A MALE ESCORT

AND HOPEFULLY SHE'LL TAKE ME BACK? THAT'S STUPID.

ALL YOU HAVE TO DO IS SHOW HER THAT YOU'VE CHANGED.

OH MY GOD, YOU GUYS,

SHE'S NEVER GONNA DATE A MALE ESCORT EVER AGAIN.

I'M NOT EVEN A MALE ESCORT ANYMORE. I'M UNEMPLOYED.

AND I'M BACK LIVING IN THIS DUMP.

HEY, MAN, THIS IS MY HOUSE.

MAYBE YOU COULD BE THE PIMP AND I'LL BE THE ESCORT.

DO YOU THINK SHE'LL DATE A PIMP?

COME ON, MOUSE, YOU'RE NOT HELPING.

I'M BEING SERIOUS. JORGE COULD SHOW HIM THE ROPES.

THAT'S NOT ACTUALLY A TERRIBLY BAD IDEA.

WHAT, PIMPING MOUSE OUT?

CAN'T PIMP MOUSE OUT. SHE'S ALREADY HAD SEX WITH EVERYONE IN LOS ANGELES.

- HEY, I HAVEN'T SLEPT WITH YOU. - NOT YET.

- MOUSE, BEAR WITH ME. THIS COULD WORK. - HUH?

OKAY, THINK ABOUT THIS.

BOY TOY ENTERPRISES, RIGHT?

BOY TOY ENTERPRISES NATIONWIDE.

YOU AND I COULD RUN THE COMPANY, OKAY?

WE'LL HIRE A BUNCH OF GUYS. THEY'LL BE OUR ESCORTS.

IT'LL BE A COMPLETELY LEGITIMATE BUSINESS, RIGHT?

OKAY, LOOK, WE KEEP IT

ON THE UP AND UP THE ENTIRE TIME--

NO SEXUAL CONTACT OF ANY TYPE.

OUR ESCORTS WILL PROVIDE THE KIND OF SERVICE

THAT LONELY WOMEN ALL OVER THIS CITY ARE LOOKING FOR.

WE'RE ACTUALLY PRETTY GOOD AT DOING THIS, ARE WE NOT?

WELL, WE DID HAVE KIND OF A SOLID REPUTATION UNTIL YOU SCREWED IT UP WITH BARBRA.

BUT THAT'S EXACTLY WHAT I'M TALKING ABOUT, RIGHT?

- WE COULD BE PARTNERS-- YOU AND I. - LIKE SEX PARTNERS?

- NO, NOT SEX PARTNERS. BUSINESS PARTNERS. - WITH SEX?

NO, NOT WITH SEX.

OKAY, THANKS, MOUSE.

WELL, YOU MAY HAVE SOMETHING, BUT THE QUESTION IS,

WHAT WILL NORAH THINK?

I DON'T KNOW.

I HAVE NO IDEA, MAN. BUT IT'S WORTH A SHOT, RIGHT?

COME ON, RONNIE. I NEED YOUR HELP ON THIS, BUDDY.

WE GOT THE SECURITY DEPOSIT FROM THE LOFT.

THAT COULD COVER OUR COSTS INITIALLY, RIGHT?

YOU COULD BE THE C.F.O., MAN.

AND AND AND AND WE CAN FIND

A VERY VERY ATTRACTIVE YOUNG LADY TO BE YOUR ASSISTANT.

I DON'T KNOW, IF WE KEPT IT LEGIT, YOU KNOW, MAYBE GOT AN OFFICE SPACE...

COME ON, SAY YES. PLEASE.

COME ON, BUD.

MAYBE?

ALL RIGHT, I'M DOWN. LET'S PIMP SOME HOS.

AHH.

- BOY TOY ENTERPRISES. - BOY TOY ENTERPRISES. HOW MAY I HELP YOU?

- ( phone ringing ) - ABSOLUTELY. CAN YOU HOLD, PLEASE?

YES, BUT CAN YOU HOLD, PLEASE? THANK YOU.

BOY TOY ENTERPRISES. HOW CAN I HELP YOU?

OKAY, SO YOU SAID YOU WERE LOOKING FOR

THE INTELLECTUAL TYPE?

WELL, HE DOESN'T HAVE TO BE A GENIUS,

BUT HE SHOULD BE ABLE TO MAINTAIN A CONVERSATION.

SURE SURE, YEAH. OKAY, THAT SOUNDS GOOD.

WE'LL GET EVERYTHING SQUARED AWAY. IS THERE ANYTHING ELSE?

MUSCLES. HE MUST HAVE MUSCLES.

MUSCLES?

MM, YOURS WILL WORK.

COME ON. UM, OKAY.

YEAH, ABSOLUTELY. OKAY, WE'RE GONNA EMAIL YOU SOME PICTURES

AND SOME STATS WITHIN THE HOUR.

PERFECT.

NOW MOUSE HERE WILL GET ALL THE NECESSARY INFORMATION--

A CREDIT CARD, EVERYTHING ELSE YOU NEED.

- I WANT YOU TO RELAX. - THANK YOU SO MUCH.

THAT'S ENOUGH. THAT'S WHAT WE'RE HERE FOR--

PROVIDING YOU THE SERVICE YOU NEED, RIGHT?

THERE IS NO WAY I WOULD SHOW UP ALONE

TO A RITZY DINNER PARTY AT BARBRA SKYPES'S HOUSE.

IT WOULD BE SOCIAL SUICIDE, DARLING, ESPECIALLY FOR US PUMAS.

WHOA, HOLD ON. DID YOU SAY BARBRA SKYPES?

YES. DO YOU KNOW HER?

YEAH. NO NO NO, I DON'T-- I DON'T KNOW HER. I KNOW HER DAUGHTER

NORAH.

- WELL-- - IS SHE GONNA BE THERE?

I SUPPOSE.

I WILL BE WAITING FOR THAT EMAIL WITH HIGH EXPECTATIONS.

- GOT IT? - OF COURSE.

- SEE YOU. - WITHIN THE HOUR. THANK YOU.

- THANK YOU. - TAKE CARE.

YOU GOTTA WATCH THE SHOP FOR JUST AN HOUR, OKAY?

- ONE HOUR-- WATCH THE SHOP JUST FOR ONE HOUR. - NO NO.

NO NO NO, YOU CAN'T. YOU CAN'T BUST IN ON THAT PARTY. YOU'RE GONNA GET ARRESTED.

- WHY? - I HATE TO SAY THIS, JAKE, BUT I AGREE WITH RONNIE.

- I'M NOT GONNA GET ARRESTED. - YOU'RE GONNA CAUSE A SCENE WITH THESE HIGH-CLASS PEEPS.

AND WE'VE WORKED WAY TOO HARD TO EVEN JUST GET SOME OF YOUR CLIENTS HERE.

- YOU'RE GONNA KILL BUSINESS. - ALL RIGHT, IT'S COOL.

- STOP. - YOU GUYS ARE RIGHT. YOU'RE RIGHT.

I'M SORRY. I WASN'T THINKING.

- GOD, YOU'RE GONNA KILL THE BUSINESS. - YOU'RE RIGHT.

- GIVE ME YOUR KEYS. GIVE ME YOUR KEYS. - NO. OW.

- HEY, JAKE-- - ONE HOUR.

JAKE, OKAY, I'LL DRIVE. I'LL DRIVE.

I'M GONNA TAKE YOU. PLEASE.

WELL, THEN I'M GONNA GO TOO.

LISTEN, GUYS, I REALLY APPRECIATE YOU COMING WITH ME,

BUT YOU DON'T HAVE TO DO THIS, OKAY?

WELL, IF YOU'RE GONNA GO DOWN IN FLAMES,

I AT LEAST WANT TO WATCH.

OKAY OKAY, LOOK, THE TRICK IS TO ACT LIKE YOU BELONG, OKAY?

ACT LIKE YOU BELONG. YOU LOOK REALLY GOOD.

- JAKE. - THANKS. YOU LOOK REALLY GOOD.

- THANKS, BUDDY. - ARE YOU READY? ARE YOU GONNA DO THIS?

- ARE YOU GONNA BREAK SOME HEARTS? - AS READY AS I'LL EVER BE.

- YOU EVER BEEN TO SWITZERLAND? - NO NO, I HAVEN'T.

REALLY? WHAT ABOUT OLDER MEN?

HAVE YOU EVER DATED AN OLDER MAN, NORAH?

NOT AS OLD AS YOU.

OKAY, REMEMBER, JUST ACT LIKE YOU BELONG, MAN.

HEY, CHRISTIE, NICE DRESS. JEEZ.

HEY, MR. BELVEDERE. HEY, BUDDY, LISTEN, I--

- JAKE, OH MY GOSH, WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE? - WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?

I'M ACTUALLY LOOKING FOR NORAH. HAVE YOU SEEN HER ANYWHERE?

- NORAH? - YEAH.

- JAKE, YOU ARE NOTHING BUT A DOOFUS. - DOOFUS.

- A GUY HAS NEVER HURT ME THE WAY YOU HAVE. - EVER.

IT'S LIKE YOU TAKE MY HEART, YOU STICK IT IN THE DRYER

- AND YOU DON'T EVEN USE FABRIC SOFTENER. - FABRIC SOFTENER.

HEY, HOW ARE YOU DOING?

HEY, MAN.

- HEY, GERARD. - HI, HELEN.

- WHAT A PLEASANT SURPRISE. - GOOD TO SEE YOU.

YEAH, HEY, YOU MADE AN EXCELLENT CHOICE DITCHING BARBRA.

- SHE'S SO HIGH MAINTENANCE. - THAT'S GREAT.

YEAH, NOW YOU'RE FREE FOR A REAL WOMAN LIKE ME.

YOU LOOK GREAT, HELEN. I'D LOVE TO TALK ABOUT THIS, BUT SOME OTHER TIME.

ACTUALLY I'M LOOKING FOR BARBRA'S DAUGHTER NORAH. HAVE YOU SEEN HER ANYWHERE?

- SHE'S A LITTLE YOUNG FOR YOU, DON'T YOU THINK? - Kylie: MM-HM.

WHAT ABOUT YOU, KYLIE? HAVE YOU SEEN HER ANYWHERE?

- SERIOUSLY? - SERIOUSLY.

WHAT, ARE YOU PRINCE CHARMING NOW? ARE YOU GONNA COME WIN HER BACK?

- GOD. - YOU'RE SO PATHETIC.

THANK YOU.

HEY, BIG GUY, QUICK QUESTION--

OH, IT'S YOU.

( stuttering ) WHAT'S UP, POOP STICK?

WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?

PARTYING.

GOD. HAVE YOU SEEN NORAH ANYWHERE?

YEAH?

UP MY BUTT.

- Woman: JAKE. - HI.

HELLO, HEY. GERARD DEPARDOUCHE IN THE FLESH.

FANCY SEEING YOU HERE, EH?

WE JUST HAD A THREESOME IN THE BATHROOM WITH YOUR GRANDMOTHER.

NO, KIDDING. LET BYGONES BE BYGONES, NO?

- REALLY? - YEAH.

PSYCH.

I GOT HIM WITH THE PSYCH. I TOLD YOU.

YOU'RE SO STUPID. HE'S SO-- HE'S STUPID, MOUSY.

YOU DROPPED YOUR DICK BACK THERE.

- YOU MIGHT WANT TO GO GET IT. - THAT'S FUNNY. I LIKE THAT.

WELL, WHAT WOULD YOU SAY IF I HAD A 100' YACHT

DOWN AT THE MARINA WAITING FOR YOU AND ME

RIGHT NOW?

WHAT, IS THAT, LIKE,

99' 8" BIGGER THAN YOUR PENIS?

RIGHT? GET IT?

NORAH DARLING, YOU CAN'T JUST SIT HERE AND SULK.

YOU'RE BECOMING A DISTRACTION FOR THE WHOLE PARTY.

MOM, I DON'T WANT TO MINGLE WITH YOUR OLD MAN FRIENDS.

WELL, YOU CAN'T JUST SIT HERE AND POUT.

- HELLO, LADIES. - GERARD--

- JAKE. - JAKE, WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?

HI. LOOK, CAN I JUST HAVE A WORD WITH YOU, PLEASE, REALLY QUICKLY?

JAKE, LOOK, JUST GET OUT OF HERE. DON'T MAKE ME SICK CLIVE ON YOU.

LOOK, BARBRA, I KNOW I BROKE YOUR RULES, OKAY?

BUT FOR WHAT IT'S WORTH, I HAD NO IDEA NORAH WAS YOUR DAUGHTER.

I NEVER WOULD HAVE BAILED ON YOU IF I DIDN'T CARE ABOUT HER SO MUCH.

I THINK YOU SHOULD LEAVE.

JUST HEAR ME OUT FOR ONE SECOND, PLEASE?

EXCUSE ME.

YOU JUST GOTTA HEAR ME OUT FOR ONE SECOND, OKAY?

WHAT COULD YOU POSSIBLY SAY THAT COULD CHANGE ANYTHING?

I'VE CHANGED.

YOU KNOW WHAT? ENOUGH. ENOUGH.

ALL RIGHT, I KNEW YOU WERE A PLAYBOY,

BUT YOU ROPED ME IN WITH YOUR STUPID CHARM.

YOU LIED TO MY FACE.

YOU HAD SEX WITH MY MOM'S FRIENDS. YOU HAD SEX WITH MY MOM.

AND NOW ALL THESE PEOPLE ARE LOOKING AT ME LIKE,

"POOR GIRL, SHE NEVER SAW IT COMING."

NORAH, I HATE TO INTERJECT, DARLING,

BUT JAKE NEVER SLEPT WITH ME.

JEEZ, HELEN, I REALLY APPRECIATE IT,

- BUT I DON'T THINK THAT'S HELPING RIGHT NOW. - WE JUST KISSED.

WE DIDN'T HAVE SEX,

BUT YOU DID DO AN AMAZING PINKIE POOL.

WE DIDN'T EITHER. HE WOULDN'T EVEN LET ME TOUCH HIS PACKAGE.

I SWEAR, SWEETHEART, I ONLY JUST LICKED HIS FEET.

HE WAS A PERFECT GENTLEMAN.

ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT, LOOK, NORAH,

WE DIDN'T HAVE SEX EITHER.

I APPRECIATE IT,

YOU GUYS, REALLY I DO. THAT'S SWEET.

BUT NONE OF THIS MATTERS,

BECAUSE YOU WERE STILL SEEING DOZENS OF WOMEN BEHIND MY BACK.

LOOK, I WAS JUST DOING WHAT I NEEDED TO DO TO GET BY, OKAY?

I WAS PROVIDING A SERVICE FOR THESE LADIES, YOU KNOW?

LOOK, I WAS ALWAYS A GENTLEMAN.

I ALWAYS TREATED THEM WITH THE UTMOST RESPECT.

BUT I NEVER EVER CARED FOR ANY OF THEM. IT WAS JUST A JOB.

HOW DO I KNOW THAT YOU'RE NOT GONNA JUST TURN INTO GERARD?

YEAH, IS IT JAKE OR GERARD? WHICH IS IT TODAY?

- CLIVE. - SORRY.

HOW DO I KNOW THAT?

BECAUSE--

BECAUSE I LOVE YOU.

Crowd: AWW.

THIS IS COMING FROM A GUY WHO'S NEVER SAID THAT TO ANYONE IN HIS ENTIRE LIFE--

WELL, EXCEPT FOR RONNIE, BUT HE'S MORE LIKE A BROTHER KIND OF LOVE.

- I LOVE YOU, BRO. - THANKS, BUDDY.

LOOK, I LOVE YOU SO MUCH,

THERE'S NOTHING I WOULDN'T DO FOR YOU.

AND I'M JUST ASKING FOR ONE MORE CHANCE, PLEASE--

ONE CHANCE TO MAKE YOU HAPPY.

AND I'LL NEVER EVER DISAPPOINT YOU AGAIN.

I CAN'T HELP IT.

I LOVE YOU TOO.

- Woman: YES! - ( applause )

HOT-- THAT'S HOT. WHOO!

RONNIE, COME HERE.

WHAT?

NO, COME CLOSER.

- WHAT? - COME CLOSER.

WHAT?

DID I TELL YOU I DRIVE A PORSCHE?

OH GOD, TELL ME IT'S RED.

DO YOU KNOW WHAT? I LIKE PORSCHES. THIS ONE TIME WHEN I WAS--

THEY CALL ME PEACHES, LIKE FRUIT, BUT SWEETER.

AND YOU?

( British accent ) GEORGE-- GEORGE FROM LONDON.

OH.

OH, YEAH.

OH, THAT'S WONDERFUL. WHAT ARE YOU GUYS DOING?

- UH, WE'RE JUST CELEBRATING. - YEAH.

WE'RE JUST OVERCOME WITH HAPPINESS.

WE'LL MEET YOU THERE. WE'LL JUST BE, LIKE, TWO MINUTES OR SOMETHING.

OR MAYBE LONGER.

PROBABLY MORE LIKE 10 OR 15 MINUTES.

OW. MAYBE HALF AN HOUR, OKAY?

OKAY, WELL, CONTINUE.

YEAH, WE'RE NIPPING AT YOUR HEELS. WE'RE RIGHT THERE.

- OKAY. - WE'RE WITH YOU.

- ALL RIGHT. - YOU LOOK GREAT IN A SUIT. NO, YOU DO.

- I'M NOT LYING. YOU LOOK AMAZING. - BYE.

SO DO YOU, NORAH.

- SEE YOU GUYS LATER. - OKAY, BYE.

* CAN'T YOU ADMIT THAT THIS IS NICE? *

* OH, HONEY, I WOULD KEEP YOU HERE WITH ME *

* FOREVER, IF I COULD

* BUT I DON'T THINK I COULD HANDLE THE PRICE *

* SO BE MY BABY

* GIGOLO

* AND GO WHEREVER I WILL GO *

* AND IF YOU COME RIGHT WHEN I CALL *

* IT WON'T TAKE

* ANY TIME AT ALL

* I'M NOT ASKING YOU TO MARRY ME *

* IT WOULD JUST BE SO MUCH FUN *

* TO PLAY FOR A COUPLE OF DAYS *

* WHEN I SAW YOU IN THE MAGAZINE *

* COULDN'T BREATHE, I BELIEVE... *

IS THAT MY BEARD TRIMMER?

( blows ) YEAH.

SORRY, MAN.

GET THE -- OUT! YOU --!

--, YOU LITTLE BITCH.

WE CAN'T DO THIS NINE TIMES.

* YOU LOOK SO GOOD IN BLACK AND WHITE *

* YOU KNOW THAT FEELING... *

I'M NOT WEARING ANY UNDERWEAR, YOU KNOW.

( crew laughing )

SO THIS IS YOUR GENIUS IDEA, EH, PEEREE GURU--

( expletive deleted )

( mocking mumble )

DEAD, ABORTION, DEAD.

THIS DATE'S NOT GOING WELL AT ALL.

ALSO, I'M GOING ON A DATE WITH NORAH THIS EVENING.

WE'RE GOING TO THE HORSETOAD.

( laughter )

- WHAT KIND OF BAR - Vivian: HORN-- HORNY.

- ( car horn honks ) - ( tires screech )

OH, COMING? DIDN'T YOU SAY SIMULATE?

- Woman: SIMULATE, GUYS. - OH.

( couch squeaking )

- Mouse: WHAT ABOUT BARB? - WHAT ABOUT BARB?

THAT'S WHAT I WAS THINKING TOO.

YEAH, YOU'LL BE WORKING AT A WOMEN'S HEALTH CLINIC

- INSPECTING MOLDY VAGINAS. - MOLDY VAGINAS?

WELCOME TO FIRST CLASS.

( laughs ) DAMN IT.

- WHY? - ( both laugh )

STANISLAVSKY.

- I TOOK HIM ONCE - ( loud pop ) D IT.

RIGHT, ROBERT?

( both laughing )

HIS-S-S-STORY.

( laughing )

* WE WILL SEE HOW IT GOES

* SO BE MY BABY GIGOLO

* AND GO WHEREVER I WILL GO

* WHY DON'T YOU TAKE OFF

* ALL YOUR CLOTHES?

* AND WE WILL SEE

* HOW IT GOES

WHAT KIND OF APARTMENT-- IN THERE, FOR GOD'S SAKE?

* OOH OOH OOH OOH

* AND GO WHEREVER I WILL GO

* AND IF YOU COME RIGHT WHEN I CALL *

* IT WON'T TAKE

* ANY TIME

* AT ALL.