Original subtitles

I am truly impressed, and I'm not easily impressed.

In all my years as the proprietor of Quark's Bar

Grill, Gaming House and Holosuite Arcade

I have never seen such a glowing employee performance report.

I mean, look at this.

In three months, no customer has filed

a single complaint against you.

You haven't spilled a drink, mixed up a food order

or shortchanged a bill.

I take my job very seriously.

And, yet, you always manage to wear a friendly smile.

That's because I like my work.

I'm happy to be here.

And it shows.

The customers love you.

Your fellow dabo girls love you.

Even the Ferengi waiters sing your praises

and you know why?

Because you're nice.

I try to be.

You're nice to the customers.

You're nice to the dabo girls.

You're nice to the Ferengi waiters.

You're nice to everyone...

almost everyone.

You mean, I've offended someone?

Look closely, Aluura.

Can't you see the pain in my eyes?

But I'm always nice to you.

I think you could be nicer.

How much nicer?

Oo-mox for Fun and Profit?

It's a quick read.

Oh...

you... want me to be...

nice.

Let's face it.

The customers, the dabo girls, the Ferengi waiters--

they didn't hire you

and, uh...

they can't fire you.

You wouldn't.

Would you?

Read the book.

( door opening )

ROM: Brother...

we need to talk.

Go away.

I'm in the middle of a meeting.

But it's important.

So is this meeting.

It's about our mother.

How many times have I told you

not to mention Moogie when I'm... working?

Sorry

but I tried contacting her this morning

and I couldn't get through.

She's probably off visiting the Grand Nagus.

I tried the Tower of Commerce.

There was no answer there either.

They're probably on vacation.

Now, leave me alone.

I'm trying to concentrate.

Brother, you don't understand.

I can't get a hold of anyone on Ferenginar--

not Cousin Gaila, not Lek.

I tell you, something's very wrong.

( whispering ): All right.

We will continue this later.

In the meantime, you have some reading to do.

Hello, Aluura.

She's so nice.

We'll see.

A Dominion invasion of Ferenginar?

ROM: Think of the terrible repercussions

to the Alpha Quadrant.

WORF: I cannot think of any.

How could the Dominion invade Ferenginar

without first conquering the surrounding systems

like Clarus and Irtok?

Brother, did you hear that?

They've captured Irtok, as well.

That's not what I said.

There are no reports of Dominion activity

anywhere near that sector.

Why can't we get through to Ferenginar?

Moogie, the Nagus, Cousin Gaila...

they're all dead.

You don't know that, Rom, but something

is definitely wrong on Ferenginar.

We'll see what we can find out.

DAX: Captain

a Ferengi ship is approaching the station

requesting permission to dock.

It's Grand Nagus Zek...

and your mother is with him.

They're alive!

Nice work.

Quark, Rom!

It's good

to see you boys.

It's good to see you, too, Nagus.

Come along, my dear.

(chuckles )

Moogie...

I was so worried.

You're a good son.

I was worried, too.

And you're a good liar.

Moogie, do you think it's a good idea

to be wearing clothes in public?

He's right.

What if one of my Ferengi waiters sees you?

I hope they do.

Tell them, Zekkie.

No, you go right ahead, my dear.

No, it should really come from you.

Would someone please tell me what's going on?

It's one of those

good news/bad news type of things.

Give him the good news first.

If you insist.

Three days ago, I added a new amendment

to the Ferengi Bill of Opportunities

giving females the right to wear clothes.

In public?

Anywhere we want.

That can't be the good news.

If Ferengi females can wear clothes in public

then they can leave their homes.

If they can leave their homes, they can go to work.

If they go to work, they can make profit.

What's the matter, Quark--

afraid of a little competition?

Are you sure

that's the good news?

It sounds good to me.

Oh, now you see why I like him best?

Face it, Quark-- it's good business.

For thousands of years, Ferenginar has allowed

a valuable resource to go to waste.

Females-- a valuable resource?

They make up 53.5 percent of the population

and contribute virtually nothing

to gross planetary income.

I say it's time they started pulling their own weight.

Better tell me the bad news.

It might cheer me up.

I doubt it.

The moment fully clothed females

started appearing on the streets of Ferenginar

financial chaos erupted all over the planet.

That explains the communications blackout.

ZEK: There was so much buying and selling

throughout the Alliance

that the entire planetary communications grid shut down.

If there's trouble on Ferenginar

what are you doing here?

I've been deposed.

I'm no longer Grand Nagus.

Then who is?

Who do you think?

Brunt.

Grand Nagus Brunt?

Acting Grand Nagus Brunt.

ROM: Brother

we're in trouble now.

Brunt hates us.

MOOGIE: Well, don't start panicking.

The Ferengi Commerce Authority hasn't confirmed him yet.

And they won't

for three more days.

Boys, together we're going to reconquer an empire

or die in the attempt!

Captioning sponsored by PARAMOUNT PICTURES

( sighs )

What lovely quarters you have, Quark.

Small... but lovely.

As of this moment

I declare this site to be the headquarters

of the sole legitimate government of Ferenginar.

I still can't believe it.

Brunt is the new Nagus?

Acting Nagus.

For three more days.

Then it becomes official.

I'm not worried.

I have a secret weapon-- your mother.

( chuckling )

Now, here's the plan:

One, we contact every FCA Commissioner

and invite them to the station for a meeting.

Two, Ishka runs the meeting.

Oh, they'll love that.

Maybe not at first, but she'll win them over

using her vast financial knowledge

and her keen instinct for profit.

She'll prove once and for all that allowing

females to wear clothing

is the first step toward a healthier

and more prosperous Ferengi economy.

And three...

What was three again, my dear?

The FCA Commissioners reinstate you

as Nagus.

And who could ask for a happier ending than that?

But that's only the beginning, lobekins.

I predict that one day

a female will enter the Tower of Commerce

climb the 40 flights of stairs

to the Chamber of Opportunity

and take her rightful place

as Grand Nagus of the Ferengi Alliance.

Don't look at me.

It was your amendment.

Nagus, you remember my son, Nog, don't you?

He's the first Ferengi to join Starfleet.

I'll try not to hold that against him.

And this is my wife, Leeta.

I've heard... so much about you.

Would you like to hear more?

Remember, she's Rom's wife.

Meaning what?

Meaning she's broke.

She doesn't look broke to me.

Zekkie...

( laughing ): Just having

a little harmless fun, my sweet.

( laughing )

Now, Quark, you and your brother

get rid of some of this furniture

and, you, get three

subspace transceivers off my ship and set them up in here.

And where's my beetle snuff?

Grand Nagus Brunt.

Good afternoon, I'm calling on behalf of Grand Nagus Zek.

The Nagus summons you to a meeting here

on Deep Space 9.

He's counting on your support.

You'll be presented with some very interesting financial data.

There's profit to be earned.

And the Nagus wants you to share

in these lucrative opportunities.

Yes, I'm talking about the Grand Nagus.

No, not Brunt.

Grand Nagus Zek.

Who said he was dead?

Wait. Don't end the transmission.

Hello? Hello?

Where'd he go?

I know all about the 94th Rule of Acquisition.

I know-- females and finances don't mix.

But that can be interpreted in many different ways.

Hello? Hello?

That's not a very nice thing to say about the Nagus.

I beg your pardon?

There's no need to be insulting.

Hello?

Hello? Hello?

That female happens to be my mother!

Hello?

Are you sure you contacted

every Commissioner on this list?

All 432 of them.

And you could only convince one of them to attend a meeting?

Maybe if we made some follow-up calls.

I helped every one of those people earn a fortune!

And this is how they repay me?

What a bunch of ingrates.

Well, the news isn't all bad.

The Commissioner who's agreed to come--

it's Nilva.

The Chairman of Slug-o-Cola.

ISHKA: He's a very powerful and influential voice

within the FCA.

Unfortunately, he's an influential voice for the status quo.

I don't think Slug-o-Cola

has changed its advertising slogan in 300 years.

♪ Drink Slug-o-Cola ♪

ALL: ♪ ...the slimiest cola in the galaxy. ♪

QUARK: Why would Nilva agree to come to the meeting?

I'm not sure, but if I can convince him to support Zek

other Commissioners will follow.

Well, it's a start, at least.

See? I told you it was too early to panic.

Care to place a wager on that?

ROM: Grand Nagus Brunt!

ZEK: Acting Grand Nagus Brunt.

ISHKA: Now you can panic.

I'll take an Eelwasser.

No ice.

ZEK: What are you

doing here, Brunt?

That's Grand Nagus Brunt.

Acting Grand Nagus.

Would someone please tell that female

to take off those clothes?

It's disgusting.

Get used to it, limp lobes.

This is the future.

Over my dead body.

If that's what it takes.

ROM: I don't suppose you're here to reminisce

about the time you helped my brother and me

rescue Moogie from the Dominion.

You're right, that's not why I'm here.

Though I find it ironic

that helping to rescue your mother

was the first step on my road to becoming Nagus.

Don't remind me.

I never should have given you your job back

with the FCA.

But you did.

And as a liquidator, I was able to bribe my way

back into a position of power.

That is ironic.

Face it, Zek.

It's over.

You're finished...

bankrupt.

I'm going to liquidate you.

Cancel that Eelwasser.

And get me a...

Slug-o-Cola instead.

On second thought...

I'll just wait till Chairman Nilva gets here.

I'm sure he'll be happy to provide his new Nagus

with all the Slug-o-Cola

I can drink.

How did you know Nilva was coming here?

Because it's my business to know.

Go on.

Have your little meeting.

Whatever you offer Nilva, I'll double it.

That's it!

Get out of my bar.

You dare threaten your Nagus?

Acting Nagus.

You may liquidate us tomorrow

but right now, this is still my establishment.

Now, get out before I kick you out.

I'm going to make you a pauper.

Uri'lash... we're leaving.

Say good-bye to these poor people.

Out.

ZEK: My boy, I'm proud of you.

So am I.

Me, too.

I just kicked the Grand Nagus out of my bar.

OTHERS: Acting Grand Nagus.

Whatever.

I need to lie down.

You busy, Quark?

Busy?

Me?

Nah. I'm just lying here wondering if it's not too late

for me to start a new life somewhere.

Oh, Quark, there's nothing wrong with your life.

I'm sorry. I stand corrected.

You're overreacting.

Whatever you say.

Reminds me of when you were a lobling.

You were always such a miserable child.

Moogie, leave me alone.

I'm your mother; I can't leave you alone.

Try!

Come on, on your feet.

Zekkie's waiting for you in the bar.

Now what?

He feels like playing a game of tongo.

We're all facing banishment from Ferengi society

and he wants to play tongo?

He wants to play tongo.

I want to have a late-night snack.

You want to lie here, feeling sorry for yourself.

We all deal with stress in different ways.

Any fresh tube grubs around?

How can you eat at a time like this?

It's simple.

You put one end of the tube grub

between your front teeth

and you suck them right up.

You want tube grubs? Fine.

Enjoy.

These are minced.

I wanted fresh.

You know, this is all your fault.

It's my fault

you don't have fresh tube grubs?

I'm not talking about tube grubs.

I'm talking about Ferengi females

wearing clothes and earning profit.

I'm talking about Grand Nagus Brunt.

Acting Grand Nagus Brunt!

You're not fooling me, Moogie.

You've been plotting this all along.

Ever since you met Zek

you've been working on him

manipulating him, whispering things in his ears

things like "Equality for Females."

What's wrong with that?

I'll tell you what's wrong with that.

You've ruined Zek's life, your life, Rom's life.

As if you cared about any of us.

It's your life you're worried about.

You bet I'm worried.

Nobody else seems to care what happens to me.

You come here to my station

take over my quarters, make me

a part of your subversive schemes...

What's the matter, Quark?

Are you afraid you picked the wrong side?

You can always go crawling to Brunt,

beg his forgiveness.

I don't want anything to do with Brunt.

I want my old Nagus back!

Do you.

I want Zek to be the way he used to be

before he met you, before you twisted his thinking

with your-your... your feminine wiles.

Before he met me, Zek was a lonely, unhappy man.

But he was rich!

He was the most powerful Ferengi alive.

Now what is he? A puppet.

And you're the one pulling the strings

making him dance to your evil feminist tune.

You're the worst thing that ever happened to Zek!

You're the worst thing that ever happened to me.

In fact, you're the worst thing that ever happened

to the entire Ferengi Alliance!

Maybe I am!

But at least I'm not like you.

A selfish, spineless, ungrateful--

Don't forget miserable.

Miserable excuse for a son!

Is that the best you can do?

I haven't even begun.

You should be ashamed of yourself.

Why, you are nothing but a...

why, you are... you--

Go ahead. Say it.

You're a...

I'm still waiting.

You're a... you're a...

( yelling ): A... what?!

( thud )

Moogie...

Moogie? Moogie!

Moogie?

Moogie? Moogie?

ROM: Moogie...

please don't die.

She's not going to die.

She's going to get better.

I hope so... for my sake...

for her sake...

for the sake of the entire

Ferengi Alliance, and most of all

I hope she gets better for your sake, Quark

because if she doesn't--

What did I do?

That's exactly the question I keep asking myself!

What did you do to her?!

I told you.

She said she was hungry.

I gave her some tube grubs.

She thanked me... and then she collapsed.

I wish you'd stop making me relive it.

Are you sure you didn't do or say anything

that might have upset her?

I don't want to talk about it anymore.

What's wrong, Quark? Your conscience bothering you?

I haven't done anything wrong.

That's not what your mother says.

ROM: Doctor... how's Moogie?

Will she live?

Oh, yes, she'll live.

She needed a new heart, and it's functioning normally

but she's going to need a few days complete rest.

And she'll need to be kept far away from him.

And why is that, Doctor?

I'm not sure exactly.

All I do know is that she keeps repeating

the same phrase over and over:

"It's all Quark's fault. It's all Quark's fault."

I wonder what she means by that.

And, uh... then I...

I accused her of being

the worst thing that ever happened to the Ferengi Alliance

and she clutched her chest and collapsed.

Moogie and I argue all the time.

It's our way of showing affection.

Well, if you ask me, Quark, the worst thing

that ever happened to the Ferengi Alliance is you.

I'm sorry.

Well, I suppose we should contact Nilva

and tell him the meeting has to be postponed.

We can't postpone the meeting!

In two days, the FCA is going to confirm Brunt

as the new Grand Nagus.

Boy, when things go wrong...

BRUNT: The only thing to do

is to get down on your knees and beg for mercy.

Who knows?

You might find me in a charitable mood.

By the time I get through with you

you're the one who's going to need charity.

Such brave words...

yet so empty.

I was very relieved

to hear your mother is going to be all right.

Of course, it doesn't do you much good.

Nilva will be arriving tonight

expecting to meet a brilliant Ferengi female.

Do you know any?

I mean, besides Ishka?

I certainly don't.

( grunting )

How...

pitiful.

One day you're the Grand Nagus

of the Ferengi Alliance, and the next

you're nothing but a common barroom brawler.

You see what happens

when you put your faith in a female?

What about Leeta?

What about her?

Maybe she could meet with Nilva.

She handles my finances, and she's a female.

And a very beautiful one at that.

But Nilva's expecting to meet with a Ferengi female.

We'll never get one here in time.

We're doomed.

No, we're not.

You think if Ishka were here, she'd give up?

If she were here, we wouldn't have a problem.

Your mother would never accept defeat.

If she couldn't find another female, she'd...

she'd... she'd...

She'd what?

She'd make one.

You mean a hologram?

Better than a hologram.

What could be better than a hologram?

You.

ROM: Dr. Bashir certainly did a wonderful job on you.

I'd call the operation a complete success.

LEETA: It must've been a very delicate procedure.

( soft voice ): Tell me about it.

LEETA: There.

Well, how do I look?

You look nice.

Nice?

That's all?

Very nice.

ZEK: You may look

like a female

but you have to do something about that voice.

I'm trying!

( in softer voice ): I-I mean... I'm trying.

Well, try harder.

And stop looking down.

I need to see what I look like.

Someone get me a mirror.

You see, Brother? You look lovely.

( bawling )

There go his hormones.

You mean her hormones?

Ta-take it away!

Take it away!

Oh, I'm sorry.

( voice breaking ): I just feel so-so different.

Would you stop staring

at your chest?

I'm not staring at my chest.

I'm staring at my hips.

Aren't they too big?

Your hips are fine.

Now, let's get down to business.

These are your mother's notes for her meeting with Nilva.

Study them carefully.

"Female apparel for a new source of latinum

"for a new Ferenginar.

"Hypicate cream

for smooth skin and healthier profits."

All these facts and figures--

they're too much for me to remember.

Oh, nonsense.

You just need a little time to practice your presentation.

And while you're at it

we need to practice your walk.

What's wrong with my walk?

You're... lumbering.

This is never going to work.

ROM: Don't cry, Brother.

Here. Let me show you.

Watch carefully.

You see, it's more of a glide.

That's... good.

And when you sit, make sure your knees are touching

and don't forget to relax your shoulders

but keep your bottom tight.

What?

He's the one

that should be wearing the dress.

Why me?

( sighs )

You're so adorable...

and... complicated.

Maybe it's not too late.

Come on, Brother, I'll take you to Dr. Bashir.

ZEK: Forget it, Quark.

Rom may make a better female than you

but when it comes to business, you're the better Ferengi.

Looks like your stupidity has saved you again.

It comes in handy sometimes.

I can do this.

It's only one meeting.

I can be a female for one meeting...

can't I?

Not if you're lumbering.

I'll conduct the meeting sitting down.

ROM: Tighten your bottom.

Well, I think you're doing wonderfully, my dear.

I'm proud of you.

I'm sorry.

You know, you may walk like a man

but you make a very attractive female.

Confusing, isn't it?

Not to me.

He's here. He's on the station.

Who is?

Nilva.

But he's not supposed to arrive until tomorrow.

That Nilva, he's a tricky one

but he makes a good cola.

ROM: What do we do?

No, I-I can't meet Nilva now.

I'm still lumbering.

You look very nice.

Nog, I want you

to escort the chairman to his quarters.

Tell him I'll meet him for dinner tonight.

Yeah. Oh, what if he asks about Ishka?

Tell him that Ishka is sick

but that, tomorrow, he'll be meeting

with my other female financial advisor...

uh... uh...

Lumba.

Right.

Lumba?

You'd better start memorizing those notes.

LEETA: First, we need to practice your walking.

ROM: And your sitting.

And you'd better work on that voice.

Any other comments?

Has anyone ever told you that you have lovely eyes?

Here.

Have a Slug-o-Cola.

Thank you.

Welcome to Deep Space 9, Chairman Nilva.

You drink Slug-o-Cola, don't you?

The slimiest cola in the galaxy?

Doesn't everybody?

( laughs )

Good boy.

Now, take me to Zek.

Zek wanted me to take you to--

Oh, don't argue with me.

Drink your cola and lead the way.

Um... uh...

Uh...

You sure you don't want to stop by your quarters

and freshen up?

Not before I meet this female advisor of Zek's.

( panting )

( laughing )

Nilva, how nice to see you again.

Grand Nagus Brunt.

Acting Grand Nagus Brunt.

Well, I had a feeling I might find you here.

( chuckles )

I thought after your meeting with Zek

we could have a little chat.

Oh, of course.

But I've really come to meet this Ishka female.

Haven't you heard?

Ishka's in the Infirmary.

She's in no position to meet anyone.

Which is why you'll be meeting

with another one of Zek's financial advisors.

Her name is Lumba.

Never heard of her.

Oh, Zek has two female advisors?

I didn't know there were two Ferengi females

on the station.

Well, what are we waiting for?

Let's go meet this other female.

Are you sure you wouldn't like me

to show you around the station first?

I want to meet Lumba.

Lumba?

Let's try it again.

( jewelry jingling )

My name is Lumba.

You must be Chairman Nilva.

Zek has told me so much about you...

Ow!

What's wrong now?

It's these earrings, they're killing me.

Do I have to wear them?

No woman is complete without earrings.

Why does everyone keep looking at me?

I'm going to bed.

Now?

I'm exhausted.

If I don't get any sleep

I'll never make it through tomorrow's meeting.

Who could that be?

Come in.

Nilva!

Zek!

( laughing )

( Nilva and Zek laughing )

Here. Have a Slug-o-Cola.

Oh, don't worry.

I brought enough for everyone.

He insisted on seeing you immediately.

Why, you must be Lunga.

Lumba.

Oh, a clothed female Ferengi--

and with your approval, no less.

Oh, either you've been

inhaling too much beetle snuff

or you're the greatest visionary ever to sit atop

the Tower of Commerce.

Well, uh, why don't you and I have

dinner tonight and try to figure it out?

We can go to Quark's

and get some nice juicy snail steaks.

You can meet with Lumba tomorrow.

I'm afraid that's not possible.

You see, I have to leave first thing in the morning.

I'm due back on Ferenginar for an important

stockholder's meeting.

Oh, but those snail steaks do sound tempting.

I know.

Why don't I have dinner with Lumba?

Oh, with me?

Won't you feel uncomfortable being seen

in public with a clothed female?

Well, of course, I will

but you and I have earned

a lot of latinum together over the years.

That should be worth some small discomfort.

But Lumba better be all you claim she is

or I'll have to liquidate you myself.

( laughing )

Here. Let's eat.

Have fun.

Two snail steaks, lightly seared.

Now, tell me something.

Doesn't wearing all those clothes

make you feel like a deviant?

Not really.

And I'll tell you why.

Because, under all these clothes

I know I'm totally naked.

I'll try to remember that.

Now, you'd better explain to me

how allowing females to wear clothing

is going to make me richer than I already am.

I was hoping you were going to ask me that.

You see this dress I'm wearing?

Have you any idea

how much it would sell for on Ferenginar?

Would someone please tell me what they're saying?

Shh! Shh! Shh!

Let me see if I understand.

Giving females the right to wear clothing

allows them to... have pockets.

Once they have pockets

they're going to want to fill them with latinum.

Which means they're going to need jobs.

And once they start earning latinum

they're going to want to spend it.

Which means, Ferenginar will be expanding

its workforce and its consumer base

at the same time.

( chuckling )

Oh, there will be plenty of profit for everyone.

When it comes to profit, I'm your girl.

And... I'm sure you could use

a little extra latinum.

Meaning what?

I read the beverage trades.

Sales of Slug-o-Cola have flattened out

and Eelwasser had a very impressive

third quarter.

Aw, they were lucky. That's all.

I know a way you can increase sales

of Slug-o-Cola

by 50 to 60 percent.

I'm all ears.

Target the new female consumer.

Make Slug-o-Cola her drink.

There's nothing stopping her from drinking it now.

But you're not encouraging her either.

"The slimiest cola in the galaxy"?

That kind

of slogan doesn't appeal to women.

Well, what would?

Let me see.

Slug-o-Cola contains 43 percent live algae, right?

In every bottle.

Well, how about something like

"Drink Slug-o-Cola...

and keep...

your teeth that lovely shade of green"?

Oh...

Zek was right about you.

You're very intelligent.

For a female.

I think it's time for dessert now.

Good idea.

I thought we were going to have dessert.

Oh, we are...

in my quarters.

( nervous laughter )

Oh, I never ever thought

I'd find a clothed female so... enticing.

( excited laughing )

( gasps ): Enticing?

Me?

Don't be silly.

It's so good to finally be alone...

( gasps )

without all those people staring at us.

Although, I must admit

I-I did find it somewhat stimulating.

( laughing )

Maybe a little too stimulating.

Oh, can I help it

if my lobes burn for you, huh, huh?

If you don't believe me, just touch them.

Touch them.

( excited grunting )

I'll take your word for it.

You said you'd do

anything for me.

I lied.

Oh, oh, oh...

( maniacal laughing )

Oh, come to me, my little love slave.

NILVA: Ah!

( crashing and clattering )

( Quark screaming )

NILVA: Yeah, yeah!

( clattering )

QUARK: Stay away! Stay away, stay away.

Ha!

Marry me.

I don't think your wife would approve.

Who cares? She hasn't touched my lobes in months.

I can tell.

Oh, I need you.

What you need is a cold shower!

What a good idea.

Why, you can scrub my back.

What if... Yes?

I told you...

Yes?

I hate Slug-o-Cola?

Oh, so do I!

( laughing )

Oh, you torture me.

Stay away...

Stay away?

Or... Or what?

Or I'll jump.

I'll catch you.

( both screaming )

Let go of that man!

I'm trying.

Would you please leave?

You're making Lumba nervous.

His name's not Lumba, it's Quark

and he's a male.

A male?

How pitiful.

Zek must be truly desperate.

Is this true?

You're... a man?

Do I look like a man?

Nice try, Quark, but it's not going to work.

He's the station's bartender.

Don't listen to him, hot lobes.

I'm as female as they come

and I'm going to prove it to you.

Well?

Well, I'm... not sure.

Oh...

all right.

Now are you sure?

Oh... completely.

I tell you that is not a female!

Well, she's close enough for me.

Oh, come, my dear.

Let's go tell Zek

that I'm going to do everything in my power

to make sure he remains Grand Nagus.

But...

why?

Because that's what Lumba wants.

( door opening )

His name's Quark.

Interesting ring.

It was a gift.

Poor Nilva... such a lovely man but so lonely.

Really?

There was a sweetness to him...

and also a strength.

Sometimes, he'd get this little glint in his eye...

You know what I mean.

Not really...

but I'm glad you had a pleasant evening.

You're mocking me, aren't you?

And you're being a little overly sensitive.

I've only been a male again for six hours.

My hormones must still be out of balance.

( voice breaking ): My emotions are raging out of control.

Is there anything I can do?

( crying )

Would you mind...

giving me...

a hug?

A hug?

Just a small one.

( permissive grunt )

Thank you!

( bawling )

( continues bawling )

ZEK: I hope we're not interrupting anything.

Uh, excuse me.

We just wanted

to say good-bye

before we go back to Ferenginar.

Where the rivers run with muck

and the streets

are swarming with happy females.

And where, if all goes according to plan

the FCA Commissioners

will once again proclaim me Grand Nagus.

That would be nice, but Brunt's

going to fight you at every turn.

Ah, I wouldn't have it any other way.

I'm glad we have Nilva on our side

and we have you to thank for that, Quark.

Will you forgive me, Moogie?

Of course I do.

You may be a lousy son

but you made a wonderful daughter.

( giggling )

I hope the experience taught you something.

It made me more compassionate

more empathetic, more nurturing.

I feel like I'm trapped in my worst nightmare.

ZEK: Don't worry.

I'm sure it won't last.

You'll be back to your old self in no time.

Mmm...

( sighs )

You are so... lucky.

Oh.

No man ever gave me a ring.

Quark?

Aluura...

I read the book.

What book?

You know, Oo-mox for Fun--

You shouldn't be wasting your time

reading that kind of trash.

But you told me to--

Forget what I told you.

It was wrong and I apologize.

You are a wonderful employee

and I'm lucky to have you working for me.

In fact, as of today, I'm giving you a raise...

another two slips

of latinum a week.

Really?

It's the least I can do.

( disappointed sigh )

That's too bad.

All right, make it three.

No, it's not that.

Then what?

It's just that...

oo-mox sounded like fun--

the tympanic tickle

the eustachian tube rub

the... auditory nerve nibble...

( pleading sigh )

But if that's the way you feel about it...

That is exactly the way I feel about it.

What am I saying?

Aluura?

Wait.

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