Original subtitles

It's just I never realized

how good life could be until they were here.

Some people say that about grandkids,

but kudos to you for saying it about your breast implants.

Yeah. Come give my babies a hug.

Is Abby hanging out with her ex's mom?

Well, maybe there's a DUI she needs taken care of.

If there's one thing I know,

it's boobs like that are made for getting out of DUIs.

Hey, guys. That Susan's a real firecracker.

And by that I mean

she's probably very dangerous on the Fourth of July.

Don't you think it's weird you keep in touch

with your ex-boyfriend's mother?

Yeah. There are better ways to spend your time.

May I suggest... anything else.

How is this different from you keeping in touch

with your mother-in-law? - I was married to her daughter.

And I-I'm also afraid to cut her off.

I think if I do, she'll haunt me.

Your mother-in-law is still around?

If she bites me, will I also live forever?

You laugh, but she's bitten a lot of nurses.

It's the main way I tell that she's still alive.

You two are missing out.

Cutting people off is one of life's great joys.

The only downside is if you do it too well,

then there's no one to share it with.

Well, I like Susan. I think she's a lovely person.

It's a very simple question, Father.

When I go to heaven... do these come with me?

Well, all dogs go to heaven. Why can't the puppies?

You know, a mustache pageant is a time to come together.

But... not like this.

Case dismissed. And word of advice--

If you're gonna brawl, put your face in a ponytail.

It's ironic you two are stuck together,

because you have the mustaches of guys who will die alone.

That smell.

You've been around rich people today.

How could you have known that?

Well, extreme wealth gives off a distinct scent.

I'm picking up notes of... single-malt scotch and...

...the tears of a butler. - Ah.

Well, if you must know, I was at a family funeral in Greenwich

for my Great-Aunt Muffy.

Oh. Sorry for your loss.

I never know what to say.

I'm just at a loss for words-- not comparing it to your loss.

A-A person is a bigger loss than word loss.

Oh! Now I can't stop saying "loss."

Get well soon-- uh, to you, of course,

'cause your aunt can't.

Thank you for that journey, Gurgs.

So, hold on a second.

You went to a Connecticut funeral

for an impossibly old relative with a childlike nickname.

Oh, my God. You don't just come from money.

You come from gin-in-the-morning,

Daddy's back-on-the-roof money.

How did I not know this?

Because it's not something I'm proud of.

I mean, those people are-- are crazy.

Uh-huh. And what do the voices tell you you are?

I never really fit in.

I was always left out of the midnight boat rides

that... that often ended in sex and murder

and when things got really dark, a Kennedy.

That's a synopsis of every show I'm watching on Netflix.

But then my Aunt Muffy took a shining to me.

And by that I mean she attacked me in a hedge maze with an ax.

But when I didn't rat on her, I became her favorite.

And now, after years of being her human footstool,

I stand to inherit her millions.

Well, I-I wish you the best.

And when you buy your new, fabulous apartment,

please invite me over

so I can slip and sue you for Muffy's millions.

You okay? You're groaning like Dan looking at a tip jar.

I'm dating someone a few years younger,

and it's hard to keep up.

There's so many activities--

rope courses, fun runs, kayaking.

It's not like having a girlfriend.

It's like dating a camp.

Weren't you the one who said that ropes courses

are for finance bros who can't make friends?

Well, the man who said that never saw Candace in a tube top.

What about you, Judge?

Any weekend plans?

Well, Jake's mom invited me to a mah-jongg tournament,

so I will also be spending it with a hottie in a tube top.

Okay.

There's no way this is actually how you want to spend your time.

What are you doing with this woman?

Gaining wisdom.

There is a lot to learn from a second-wave feminist

who said there had to be a second wave

because the first wave were all fuglies.

Okay. Fine. Fine.

I've been spending time with her

as a way to stay updated on Jake's life.

Oh!

This is such a bad idea.

Is it?

Or is it a worse idea

to let a great guy like Jake get away over one tiny mistake?

Jake broke up with you for lying to him.

So now, to win him back, you're lying to his mother?

Well, yeah, you can make anything sound bad

when you state exactly what I'm doing.

And I legally attest that I am

Julianne Pennsylvania Railroad Walters.

As executor of your great-aunt's estate,

allow me to read the letter she left for you.

Don't mind us. Just eavesdropping.

By the way, you smell terrific.

Oh.

"Dearest Julianne,

You were always a strange, explosive child

and therefore my favorite." - Oh!

Well, looks like I hit the jackpot--

first genetically and now financially.

"I watched you blossom into a volatile,

sexually aggressive time bomb who deserves nothing..."

Uh-- Uh... "...but the best."

It goes on like that for 17 pages.

Oh, does it, really? Give me that.

All right. Let's see here. Uh, "afternoons by the lake."

"Roosevelt was a coward." Wh-- I...

"What it's like to hunt a human."

Oh. Oh. Here. Here, here, here. "Inheritance."

What did I get? 10 million? 20?

Oh, oh, oh. It is big.

Is it a blimp? Is it a Jurassic park?

It's Gloria.

The cousin they sent away for a lobotomy?

No. Gloria's a horse.

A Jurassic horse?!

After everything I did for that woman.

And I read to her.

I picked kitty litter out of her hair.

I puppeteered her hand when she wanted to wave

at children out the window like some creepy ghoul.

And for that, I get a horse.

It could be worse. It could be the lobotomy cousin.

Oh, please.

She's in a gorgeous facility with a stunning view.

That mah-jongg game was intense.

I doubt people in the 1800s called each other "tile slut."

You have to understand.

When the pot gets up to $15, people are going to get hurt.

But they will all cool down by my birthday party.

You're coming, aren't you? - Ah.

Right. Your birthday.

Look, Susan. I-I don't think I should go.

You're great, but if I'm being honest,

I'm mainly just spending time with you to get closer to Jake.

So? I'm doing the same thing.

Do you think I'm here because you're a fun hang?

No!

You and Jake were the perfect pair!

Kind of like... - Your boobs, Susan. We know.

Do you think there's any chance that Jake feels the same way?

Oh, Abby. I know he does.

And he'll be at my party, so you have to be there, too.

All I ask is when my son finally mounts you like a Clydesdale...

...promise you'll think of me.

Damn it, Susan.

Now you're the only thing I'm gonna think about.

You know, all this will talk has me thinking.

If I die, will you take care of my lizards?

Well, you'll be dead.

So as far as you know, they'll get the best of everything.

Finally sink in that you work here?

I do those screams on the inside now.

Now you'll never believe who got all of Aunt Muffy's money.

That stupid horse!

W-Why are you mad? The horse is rich.

You have the horse. Ergo, you're rich.

Are you worried that the money will change you?

I-I think I speak for all of us

when I say that we'll be fine if you're different.

Okay. There's only one problem.

I gave the horse away.

Who did you find to take a horse in less than a day?

♪ Guess who has a horse ♪

And I wouldn't trade her for all the money in the world.

Thank you, Jules, for allowing me to live the dream

that is urban horse ownership.

Oh. Have a cigar.

I'm a proud horse daddy.

Floby, does she prefer a trot or a canter?

You know what? I will ask her myself.

I-I need to get that horse back.

Can you talk to him? He listens to you.

You convinced him not to eat that cheese

he found on the ground.

I got lucky. He had a huge lunch that day.

What if I said that there's a finder's fee in it for you?

I will not put a price on friendship.

Not at least until I do some research

and see what friendships are going for these days.

Fine, fine, but let's just keep this between us.

You know, word travels fast around here.

Hey! Word is my horse is rich!

- Ohh. - My fee just doubled.

When you told me we were going to a '70s disco,

I thought you meant the decade, not the demographic.

I still don't know why I had to be your plus-one.

I need a wingman.

And because Susan gave me that outfit and said,

"Fill it up with some man candy."

You know you're my boss.

And you know "man candy"

is the less-gross version of what she said.

Well, this is better than the date Candace planned.

She signed us up for a hike. I don't want to hike!

And who did she sign us up with? The woods?

There's Jake. What are we gonna do?

You're my wingman. Wing, Wyatt. Wing!

Uh, w-- w-- Your instinct is going to be to dance.

Under no circumstances--

Step aside, daddy-o. I gotta dance.

Abby! You made it.

Susan, who is Jake dancing with and kissing with?

Oh, that's just Lucy.

It's Jake's girlfriend. Did I not mention her?

No, you didn't.

You never mentioned Jake's girlfriend.

Yet somehow I know all about the emotional affair

you're having with your married mailman.

It's sexy because sometimes he lets me open

other people's mail.

First you lied to me about Jake, and now

you're admitting to a federal crime in front of a judge.

It's federal?

Oh, that makes it so much hotter.

Oh. Julianne. Bad news.

Uh, it's gonna be no go on the horse.

Murray, he's just a tough nut to crack.

I...I let you down, and for that, I'm truly sorry.

Hold on. You're never sorry.

Oh, you're double-crossing me.

I am not double-crossing you.

If anything, I'm backstabbing you.

You worm.

Well, this is worse than my family telling my nephew

he was going to Madrid and then shipping him off

to a state institution.

Ugh. SUNY Purchase.

Disgusting.

Why should I settle for a finder's fee from you

when I can get Murray to let me manage all the money,

granting me access to the lifestyle

of a millionaire horse?

Now all I have to do is sell Murray on my plans.

- Mm. - Giddyup.

What the hell is this?

Have I got an investment for you.

Picture this-- a basketball that always goes in.

Slide!

It's a game-changer.

I guess you're not the only one who wants that horse's money.

Good luck. - Oh, j--

All right. Vultures, get lost. Let's go. Let's go. Let's go.

But I didn't get to do my big close!

It's a slam dunk!

Yeah. Fine. Save that pitch for "Shark Tank."

Go.

Oh. Thank you, Dan.

Everyone is hitting me up for money,

and I don't want this attention.

I just want to ride my horse full speed down the sidewalk

in peace.

Of course you do.

You should be riding free,

feeling that wind through your... skin.

You don't want to be bogged down with the drudgery

of managing horse money.

Leave that to me. I am great with money.

It was my first love.

Well, Dan, that would help me out big-time.

Unfortunately, it's-- it's not my call.

It's not your-- Whose call is it?

- Gloria's. - Uh, the horse?

You can't leave complex financial decisions to her!

She doesn't even know what pants are!

A day ago, I would have agreed.

But I have seen into that horse's soul.

And she understands more than I could have ever imagined.

If there is a chance she can do this,

I have to let her try.

What does that mean?

- Wyatt, we got to go. - Ohh, I'm not going anywhere.

This party is great!

Yeah. These women are a lot more my speed.

I've found the fountain of no youth!

Susan didn't tell me that Jake has a girlfriend.

They're both here, and they're touching,

and I'm watching like a complete psycho.

But I just met Helen.

She takes two naps a day, and she buys full-fat milk.

Mm? How hot is that?

Well, I'm leaving before Jake sees me.

Enjoy watching "Yellowstone" after sex.

Abby!

Jake.

I didn't expect to see you at my mom's birthday.

Small world.

I'm here. Your mom's mailman is here.

It's a real who's who of "why them?"

I'm Lucy, Jake's girlfriend.

And this is Abby. She's... Why are you here?

I am here at this party, um, because--

She's the entertainment.

Your mom hired her to juggle... all of her many impressions.

Oh, I didn't know you did impressions.

Oh, yeah. I can do anyone.

You should hear my Pee-wee Herman.

- Ooh. Do Jack Nicholson. - Ooh.

You can't ha-a-a-ndle the truth.

Ha ha!

Wasn't that just Pee-wee?

You were right. We should have left.

Oh, look! It's all my favorite people.

And Lucy.

Now, why don't you two catch up?

I'm suddenly curious about this one.

Tell me everything.

What's your last name?

So... that's your new lady.

- Yeah. - She seems nice.

- I don't think my mom's a fan. - What makes you say that?

She invited my ex-girlfriend to her birthday party.

Yeah. This is all weird, I guess.

No. It's... It's really good to see you.

It's good to see you, too.

- Do "Sling Blade." - Kick rocks, Helen.

Jake, I was just gonna say, um--

What is wrong with you?!

Your mom is a lunatic.

She said, "Let me call you a cab,"

and then threw a glass of Cabernet at me.

I'm sure it was an accident.

Then why is she giving you a thumbs-up?

Maybe she loves my impressions.

Want to hear me do "Sling Blade"?

French-fried potatahs! Ha ha!

Oh, Lucy's really letting him have it.

Poor bartender's shaking in his roller skates.

Why would you throw wine on her?

I was just trying to distract Lucy

to give you some alone time with Jake.

So... did you do the horizontal hustle?

Susan, you were gone two minutes.

You millennials.

It takes you forever to do anything.

Mom, this is ridiculous.

You need to apologize to Lucy.

Good idea.

Take him to the ladies' room.

The wallpaper is very erotic.

Okay. Stop. Stop.

Jake, the truth is...

I wasn't hired to do impressions.

I came here thinking I could get you back.

But you're happy, and...

I don't want to get in the way of that.

Susan, maybe instead of pushing Lucy away,

you should give her another chance.

Hold on.

You do impressions?

That was your takeaway?

Can you do "Varsity Blues"?

I love "Varsity Blues."

I almost wore a whipped-cream bikini tonight.

But my Uber rating is already in the toilet.

Just so you know, I was the one to talk her out of that.

But not before she sent me pictures.

Who do you think took them?

I'm sorry my mom brought you here under false pretenses.

I guess that's kind of her thing.

Her mailman said it's not even her birthday.

- Look, Abby-- - Jake, I was w--

- You go. - Oh. You go.

No. You go first. - No. You go.

My mom's not the easiest person to get along with.

So if you can do that...

maybe we could be friends.

I was gonna... say the same thing.

Guess I'll see you around.

Okay.

Sorry it didn't work out with Jake.

Ready to go? - Yeah. Yeah.

I thought you were going home with Helen.

Yeah. I thought so, too, but she said if I slept over,

I'd have to be up by 6:00 for water aerobics.

Yeah. Turns out no one's lazy anymore.

Hm. You don't smell rich yet.

My plan had one flaw in it.

Murray thinks that all financial decisions

have to be okayed by the horse.

He's gonna wind up buying $100 million worth

of artisanal carrots. - It's ridiculous.

Especially when that horse could own the patent

to a self-dunking basketball.

Oh. There you are.

After much soul searching and several hours posing for this...

Yeah?

Thank you, Sandy.

...I decided to let the horse go.

Oh. So you're giving her back to Julianne.

Well, I have news for you.

I don't want the horse. No.

I decided I don't even want the inheritance.

If I learned anything from my family,

it's that money makes people crazy.

Well, that and repeatedly marrying your cousins.

So you know what? I am just gonna walk away.

W-- Wow.

How poignant. How brave.

I'll take the money and the horse.

No. Dan, you don't understand.

When I said I let the horse go, I literally let the horse go.

Why would you do something like that?

Because of Dan.

He said horses couldn't make decisions.

That's why I let Gloria make the biggest decision of all--

How do you want to live?

So I opened the door of my brownstone,

and she made her choice.

She pointed that long face toward New Jersey

and ran like the wind!

Hold on.

Are you telling me that a horse

worth hundreds of millions of dollars

is running free in new Jersey right now?

Unh. Ha. Ooh. Ah.

Unh!

Huh.

You let the horse loose, didn't you?

Well, I guess I'll go get my lasso.

I thought you didn't care about the money anymore.

Yeah. But I don't want someone in New Jersey to have it.