Original subtitles

WWW.MY-SUBS.CO

1 ♪ It seems today that all you see is violence in movies and sex on TV ♪

♪ But where are those good old-fashioned values ♪

♪ On which we used to rely? ♪

♪ Lucky there's a family guy ♪

♪ Lucky there's a man who positively can do ♪

♪ All the things that make us ♪

♪ Laugh and cry ♪

♪ He's a family guy ♪

- Synced and corrected by naFraC - - www.MY-SUBS.com -

Oh, hi, you guys. How was school?

Eh, it was fine.

But we had a substitute bully today and he was doing it wrong.

Okay, it says "tape sign on back."

Is that... Is that your back, my back?

I-I got to be honest, I only got called in 45 minutes ago.

Just pinch my nipples and get out of here.

We need you to sign these permission slips.

We're taking a school field trip to Washington DC.

Great, bring 'em here and I'll give you my John Hancock.

- Who's that? - I'm sorry, I mean my Lane Bryant.

Well, just say that, then.

Big day, gentlemen. It's the one day a year Peter eats a salad.

Poor bastard. No one should have to go through that hell.

He made a promise to Lois. It was actually in their wedding vows.

All right, let's get this over with.

I brought the whitest-looking lettuce from McDonald's I could find.

I'm hoping it has McNugget smell accidentally on it.

I brought today's newspaper like

you asked so you'd have proof of salad.

Got it.

I love my wife. I love my wife.

I love my wife.

And inside this local tavern,

a portly gentleman has just consumed his annual salad.

I'm Garrison Keillor,

and I was "MeToo'd" for quaintly groping, so now I'm doing this.

So, Chris, Meg, you guys excited for your big trip to Washington DC?

Yeah. The cool kids are bringing a candy-colored version

of whatever drug the media is most freaking parents out about.

- What? - Relax, Mom.

We're being supervised by public school employees

who themselves are battling their own crippling addictions.

Peter, are you hearing this?

I'm not. I'm chewing Cap'n Crunch, I can't hear anything.

I just worry, but I guess that's what moms do.

Well, that and give you a recap of

everyone who's died that you don't know.

You know, Leonard died.

- Who? - Leonard.

- Okay. - Estelle's pretty upset.

And right on the heels of Abner.

- Uh-huh. - You should probably call Edith.

I'll give you Alfred's number.

Who the hell are these people?

Is this just an excuse to say old people's names?

Vivian.

Huh.

What's the matter? You look upset.

Eh, it's just, Joe's been pretty stingy with his "ha ha's" over text.

I think you're probably reading into that.

No, seriously. Cleveland sends some lame crap and Joe "ha ha's" it.

I send a photo of me hanging a

foreclosure notice over a toilet, nothing.

I'm telling you, he never laughs at anything of mine.

He must have given you one at some point.

I mean, sure, at some point.

Oh, my God. He's literally never given me one.

Joe doesn't think I'm funny?

Oh, thank God you're here. You know funny when you hear it.

Hey, Ostrich, did you hear that crazy

story about the monkey's favorite food?

It's bananas.

Hmm.

Hey, gang, I know you're not used to seeing your teachers in shorts,

so let's get it all out of the way.

They're just legs, guys. Oh, one more thing.

We do have a surprise chaperone for this trip.

Everyone say hi to Chris and Meg's mom, Lois Griffin.

Aah! Woot, woot!

Did somebody say "cool mom with an Activia fanny pack"?

They give you a free one if you send in enough lids.

I've got two fanny packs and a very healthy colon.

Our chaperone is Mom?

You're lucky. My mother died last year after a long illness.

You got your GoFundMe money, so shut up!

Mom, what the hell are you doing here?

Are you trying to kill our reputation?

Oh, relax, you two. I'm gonna be the cool mom, huh?

I may even have the kids call me Mrs. G.

Mrs. G.

Can you imagine?

Just like Mrs. Garrett from The Facts of Life.

Nobody knows who that is.

Come on. Tootie? Blair? Jo?

Bitch, what you talking about?

Just settle down, you guys. I promise I won't embarrass you.

Okay, everyone, I've got candy.

Everybody reach in but just take one.

Fanny candy? Fanny candy? Fanny candy?

Oh, my God, this is terrible.

This is more embarrassing than when I tried to return that RealDoll.

Uh, yes, hello, I would like to return my RealDoll.

Okay, and what condition is the doll in?

Um, let's say "fair."

- Any visible marks? - Some light choking.

We can't take the doll back if there are choke marks.

Oh, no, no, no, the choke marks are on me,

and in her defense, I did have it coming.

Actually, I don't want to return the RealDoll.

This is just part of the dance.

Oh, no. I didn't realize you were there the whole time.

I hope I'm not in for some light choking.

Why do you even care if Joe's never laughed at your texts?

Brian, I know it seems like I have it all, but even I,

a man with 15 Halloween masks, have my struggles with insecurity.

So, what are you gonna do?

I decided to give him a taste of his own medicine.

From this day forward, I will never

laugh at another one of Joe's texts.

His-his mind just works in a different way than mine.

Oh, no. Accidental heart, accidental heart.

Quick, replace it with a "ha ha."

Phew, that was close. I was almost gay.

Huh. Peter just came out of the closet.

Uh, no he didn't.

The heart emoji: Careful, straight dudes!

Look at us.

Different generations enjoying a fancy resort.

- Mom, don't, please. - Quiet, Meg.

So, I saw a really funny TikTok. Do you know that one?

You're gonna have to be more specific. Which one?

Uh, there's-there's more than one?

Why is everyone leaving?

You're lame and we don't want to be with you.

Come on, guys, let's go watch CNBC in the lobby.

Yeah, I think I saw a bowl of bananas.

God, those kids are a nightmare.

They're just so mean.

Just be thankful this isn't your entire life.

You get to go home at the end of all of this

to a family and someone you love.

Oh, come on, I'm sure there's someone special in your life.

You know, there was someone.

A long time ago.

It was 1993, and I was folding clothes at a Structure.

Everyone was, back then.

Then I saw her.

Shelly Barnes.

Boy, was she something.

Tall, tan. She was more scrunchie than woman.

We wanted the dream:

Our own Taco Bell franchise.

But then it happened,

the one thing you never want to hear.

Hey, John. I was just thinking.

What if we open a Taco Bell/Pizza Hut?

The psychic who told me to do this never said anything about Pizza Hut.

I was young and bullheaded.

I had these ideas of what fast food should be.

Worst part was, when I told her the bad news,

she threw my retainer right in the bushes.

I looked for a little bit, but eventually I just said, "Eh, screw it."

Anyway, that one argument consumed us.

Never saw Shelly again.

I'm so sorry to hear all that, Principal Shepherd.

Whew, what a day.

- I need a drink. - Jack on the rocks?

No, in the toilet, but I'll have that drink now.

Hey, Joe, you know, you might want to contact your cell carrier.

All your "ha ha's" are coming through as "thumbs up" lately.

- Oh, boy. - What's, uh...

What's with you never laughing at any of my texts?

Peter, maybe now's not the time.

- No, no, no, tell me. What is it? - Honestly? Nothing.

I just don't always think you're all that funny.

Wow.

Uh, okay. Wow.

Look, if I want someone to burp the national anthem,

there is no second call, it's you or nobody.

Thank you, Joe. Thank you for saying that.

When it comes to laughs, you're just not my cup of tea.

I've never even seen Austin Powers.

Oh, well, there you go!

All right, fellas, I got to run. Look,

this doesn't change anything, Peter.

You're my friend. No hard feelings.

Oh yeah, no hard feelings, like your dink?

I'll see you around, Peter.

I'll tell you what, I'm gonna get a laugh from him.

Hmm. I'm not sure about that.

Seems like he's prayed on this one.

Well, I'm gonna give it the old college try.

- Are you gonna go to class? - No.

There you are. You're not gonna believe this.

They got the blood out of the ice machine?

- No, I found your ex on Facebook. - What?

Shelly Barnes. She lives only, like, 30 miles from here.

Hmm. Is 30 miles enough time

for me to get totally jacked before I see her?

You can do push-ups in the bus aisle. Let's go find her.

Hey, listen up.

Anyone seen Principal Shepherd?

He said he had to go to the men's room and he disappeared.

I'm not sure.

I think we're all finger-blasting anything that moves back here.

I'll be right back.

Excuse me, have you seen a heavyset, middle-aged man?

Kind of sad-looking?

Hmm.

Oh.

Hey, you know, there was a guy that

left in a yellow cab a few minutes ago.

He got the number from a magazine in his pocket.

I've never seen such stretched-out pockets on a sport coat.

Oh, my God, that's him.

Principal Shepherd must have run away.

Do you have any security footage from the lobby?

Sorry, the only video we have is from the karaoke lounge.

He killed "Sublime", by the way.

♪ I don't practice Santeria ♪

♪ I ain't got no crystal ball ♪

♪ Well, I had a million dollars but... ♪

Don't take those fries. I'm not done.

♪ I'd spend it all If I could find... ♪

I-I... Ugh, I lost my place. Start it over from the top, Gene.

Okay, guys, Principal Shepherd is gone.

Did you check the karaoke lounge?

He got in a huge fight with that Gene guy.

I know you think adults are lame.

That we're just big bags of crap that drink coffee,

but we are people, too.

Most of the things you think are important now aren't.

Looks fade, waists expand, chins double and dreams die.

And one day, one day, you're gonna wish

that a bus full of punk kids would come along

and help when you need it most.

Now, that man is scared and alone, and he needs us right now.

Now, who's with me?

Wait a minute, if Principal Shepherd's gone,

who's gonna drive the bus?

Someone say something about a bus driver?

I still need six hours of supervised road time

for my B Class license,

but I'm pretty sure I can handle this bad boy...

Meg, let's go find our principal.

Ooh, sorry.

Sorry, guys. I got some, but I think the troublemaker's still in there.

Can someone please turn on the always-1978 bus radio?

♪ I cried a tear... ♪

♪ You wiped it dry... ♪

Ew!

It's not my fault. It's a ballad.

97.1 WBUS:

Songs you can't poop over on a bus.

Soft stoolin' our way through the '70s.

♪ I love you... ♪

♪ I honestly love you... ♪

Ew!

Change the damn station!

Whoa, whoa. Where you going?

I've had it, Brian. I am getting a "ha ha" from Joe

if it's the last thing I do.

And how are you planning to do this?

I'm gonna send a funny text and sneak over to Joe's and "ha ha" it.

But why are you wearing all black?

So no one will see me.

- Aah! - Why are you wearing all black?

Why are you wearing a lady's ball gown?

Let's both resume whatever it is we were doing.

Aah!

Who's there?

Don't struggle. It only makes it tighter.

Aah!

Peter? What the hell is going on here?

Joe? Joe, are you okay?

Yeah, I'm fine, Bon.

Oh.

We looked all night and there's no sign of Principal Shepherd anywhere.

Oh, my God, of course. Stop the bus, Meg. Look!

Gotcha.

- I thought I might find you here. - Mrs. Griffin, I, uh...

Look, I wanted to say I'm sorry.

I... I shouldn't have inserted myself into your personal life.

That... That was wrong of me.

I know you just wanted to help. I just...

I just panicked. I got so scared of her seeing me now

and thinking that I'm this big loser.

Hey, you are not a loser.

May I remind you I wear Saucony sneakers and Lee jeans.

You...

You are not a loser.

Mrs. Griffin, yo quiero one more chance.

Well, Mr. Griffin, the surgery went according to plan.

Great, thank you, Dr. Hartman.

I didn't know how to categorize your injuries

on the insurance form, so I just put "gay stabbing."

Oh, okay, who else... who else sees that?

Oh, almost-almost nobody.

It's just for, like, file-keeping record stuff.

Go get 'em.

Shelly?

Hi, it's, uh, it's me, John Shepherd.

- Listen, John, I-I think maybe... - Hang on.

Just-just let me say what I want to say.

God, you look great.

Listen, I know it must be odd to see me standing here

all these years later.

And although I look like a man on the outside...

Shelly lives in the house next door.

Oh. Oh, uh, uh, which, uh...

Oh, the one with the aboveground pool

and angry dogs tied to the tree in the front yard.

No way. John Shepherd?

Is that really you?

It is. Shelly?

Shut up! Shut up, you idiots!

I'd invite you in, but my uncle's getting dialysis

- right here in the bonus room. - Oh, wow.

Uh, listen, I was... I was just in the neighborhood.

I wanted to come by and see how you've been.

Yeah, not too bad.

You know, I ended up opening the Taco Bell/Pizza Hut,

but it never really took off.

I think, ultimately, it came down to me trading

too many pizzas for drugs.

Right, right.

Listen, I actually got to get these kids somewhere.

Well, it was nice to see you, John.

You ever want to hang out, you know where to find me.

You'll find her in the wind and in the trees around you.

Where the leaves blow and the river flows.

I'm sorry, who are you?

I'm Jared Fogle, the former Subway spokesperson.

Not sure I want you in my thought bubble.

- Aren't you in prison? - Yes.

This is how I spend my days in my cell.

Hey, how many kids you got on this bus, by the way?

This is why! This is why I don't want you in there!

Thanks for pushing me to go find my first love.

Sorry it ended up being such a waste of time.

No, this was not a waste.

You just found out you won.

I did? How so?

Your ex-girlfriend is a total loser.

Meanwhile, you have a great job with a pension,

a house and a car with all different-color doors.

You're right.

I guess old Shep's doing okay.

You sure are. Now, all you got to do

is just not humiliate yourself on a bus full of children.

Ooh, on that note,

I got to make a quick stop in the little boy's room.

Turn on the radio!

♪ You're looking kind of lonely, girl... ♪

Ew!

♪ Would you like someone new... ♪

Ew!

This bowl's getting very full.

I strongly suggest we don't go up or down any hills.

♪ I'm feeling kind of lonely, too ♪

♪ If you don't mind ♪

♪ Can I sit down here beside you? ♪

♪ Ah, yeah ♪

♪ All right. ♪

- Synced and corrected by naFraC - - www.MY-SUBS.com -