Original subtitles

You ever wonder what happens

to all the overeducated, pampered rich kids

the art colleges churn out year after year?

So did I.

After all, in two days, I was gonna join them.

Being a well-adjusted model citizen, of course,

I was looking forward to it.

Graduation was just two days away

and I couldn't wait to get started

on that wife and kids and pension-plan thing.

On Sunday, we'd all be going our separate ways,

me and the scumbags I live with.

Mickey drew cartoons for the local funny papers.

We started as freshmen together,

but he still had a year to go.

Why do I always gotta go last?

He was big, clumsy, and he never combed his hair.

Chicks dug him. Fucking mystery to me.

- Who's that? Who's there? - Jack?

Fat fuck.

Yeah. Is that you, Rob?

- Rob was moving to L.A. - with his woman.

We'd all been poisoning him against her

because, well, that's what guys do,

but so far, it hadn't worked.

I can give you something right here.

Hey, man. Don't-- Ah! Ow!

You scalded me.

You know what that does to my skin?

Hey.

Hey. Hungover?

Slosh had morphed from computer geek

to raving drunk in under a year.

Want me to cook you up some?

For months now, he'd been mailing bad poetry

to Charles Bukowski. Who did that to you?

No one wanted to tell him Buke was dead.

Well...

What are you, a madman?

No.

Just like to live dangerously.

The head rooster was Dennis.

He was a professional student who'd been living in the attic

and lording over the place for the past six years.

- Good morning, youngsters. - Good morning.

Ah, morning.

Did you notice Rob skulk in last night, huh?

Perhaps a little trouble in doggy land?

We could only hope, huh?

Slosh brewed you up a fresh pot of coffee.

Dennis changed majors more often

than he changed his underwear.

First cup of joe of the day.

As for me, my name's Jack.

Happy-go-fucking-lucky as the day I was born.

Yeah, the salad days were winding down all right,

and I wasn't sure, but I think I hated it.

We should go out, baby?

There's something about seeing your ex-girlfriend

slobbing on some other guy's knob that makes you say,

"Hey, thanks, babe. I miss you too."

Next. Psychology major, right?

Hey, let me tell you something. I love my mother,

but not as much as you guys say I do. Heh.

Hey, check out my head size. Think it needs to be shrunk?

Next. Hey, break a leg.

No, do me a favor. Break two.

You're a history of consciousness major, right?

Next.

You got me waiting in line here ten minutes

while you're telling jokes.

Let's move it right along then, shall we?

Name? Freeman, Jack.

Ooh. I'm sorry.

I'm afraid I can't let you graduate

with the bad haircut, man.

Next. Heh.

I'm just kidding. I already had you marked up.

Welcome to the real world.

Know what? I really like that Hate T-shirt.

The whole angry young man, black thing.

Generation-- You know what I mean?

It's cool. It's the name of a comic book.

Borrow your pen for one second?

Absolutely.

You happy now, cocksucker?

Next.

If she liked me, she would have said,

"Why don't you have a bagel and I'll join you after--?"

She didn't even ask me to join--

All right, Mickey, Mickey, Mickey.

When are you gonna learn?

You gotta be more aggressive. You gotta--

Listen-- You know, I don't--

What is it--?

Right. Excuse me, sir.

Yeah. Two minutes. Two seconds, be right there.

Meet you over there? Okay, uh-huh. Yeah.

I mean-- Okay, bossa nova,

if you know so much, how come you slept

at El Rancho last night?

You know, it's really interesting how you celibates

all keep little tabs on my whereabouts.

What's that about, huh? Yeah.

Think about the psychology there.

We had an argument about her mother.

I never even met this woman,

and she's trying to exert her power over me.

You never met Joanie's mom before?

I've been avoiding it for 18 months.

What's the big deal? It's not a big deal.

I just-- I have a thing with moms.

I had a bad experience once.

Now, I'm about to move to L.A. with Joanie.

And her mom is renting us an apartment

five minutes from her house. Heh.

My life is fast becoming--

It's a joke. My life's a joke.

Like... Yeah.

- She's a beaut, ain't she? - Yeah, it's nice.

You boys just graduating, ain't you?

Well, this is the machine for you.

I don't say that

because I read it in some goddamn manual.

I say that from grade-A champion experience, all right?

I mean, me and the missus, couple of weeks ago,

come in here in this particular machine.

Her mother rode along with us.

We got here, ten minutes later,

hell, they hit the road. I ain't seen her since.

I don't know, goddamn it--

What it's all about, but...

Anyway, back to the truck. Okay. We just wanna--

This here's the one. We just wanna--

I'm ready to hot diggity deal.

I believe you.

Brilliant. Absolutely wonderful.

No. Really?

What, you really think so? Oh, yes.

I particularly love

those intriguing references to the Hopi.

Hopi?

The Native American Indian tribe.

Yeah. Yeah.

I've been there, out on that third mesa.

There in the middle of the Arizona desert

is a simple, primitive people

that has kept its culture intact.

I got this belt buckle for a song.

That's really something.

What, so you're gonna accept my thesis?

Well, now...

Walk with me.

Dennis, I like you,

and I am positively wild about your work.

Now, I know you're about to graduate,

but I'd like you to stay on

and act as my assistant next year,

my understudy, if you will.

There'll be credit towards your master's degree

and, of course, a modest stipend.

Luther, I don't know what to say,

but I got accepted to Michigan.

I'm starting a master's business program in the fall.

Dennis, a boy with your insight

should not stifle his creativity

in the pursuit of filthy lucre.

Remember, my boy,

it is poetry that will save the world,

not commerce.

Corpus Christi pole.

Won't find another one between here

and the Peruvian high Andes.

Please be careful.

Culmination of centuries of the evolution of art.

Took my sculpture students two semesters to complete.

Hmm. Well, it's-- Hey, it's pretty awe-inspiring.

Yes, it is, isn't it?

You will think over my offer, won't you?

Yes.

Yes, I definitely will. Thanks, Dennis.

This truck here's calling your name.

You see that guy? Zoinks, man.

Ha-ha-ha. The guy was heavy. That's gonna be me, man.

No, man. Oh, I'm telling you.

No. I move in with Joanie,

her mom creeps into my life. I turn into that guy.

No, man. Dude, Joanie is not like that at all, man.

That does not-- I mean, I wish I had your problem, man.

Joanie's an incredible woman. You'll deal.

I'll deal, I'll deal. I don't wanna just deal.

I'm supposed to be excited about this.

Listen, you know I love her.

I love her to death. I'm just...

I'm not sure if I'm ready for this. I'm stressed out, sick.

Look at my gums. Look at this. Come here.

Look at that. Oh, yuck.

See that? I wanna see.

I gotta go to the dentist now. Excuse me.

You're Mickey, right? From The Mickey Chronicles?

Yeah.

I think you're terrific. Oh, thanks.

Would you autograph this for me?

Yeah.

There you go. Thanks.

See you. I--

Hey, what's the matter with you? What are you doing?

They're waiting for you to go talk to them.

No, man, they're just--

They just like the comic strip thing.

Look, I don't stand a chance with women like that.

What, are you out of your mind?

There's a legion of these little freshmen chocha

who worship you.

You're like the black Ziggy.

Great. I'm the little, lovable potato guy with no neck.

Just...

Oh, man, you know, you shouldn't be stealing beers

from your gracious employer. How come?

It's unethical. You should let me steal them.

Ah. Shit.

Besides, you think there's a cornucopia

of shitty, menial jobs in this town

for a college dropout like yourself?

Hey, they're already open.

Slosh is the man.

Slosh.

Hey, Doc.

What are you doing back there, man?

I'm getting cheese, Doc.

You know, grooving to the tunes.

Okay, that's gonna cost you 3 bucks,

same as a customer.

You know I don't like

to get all heavy and uncool, man,

but what do you think I'm running here, a soup kitchen?

It's just a job, man. I'll get another.

A couple years ago, you were Mr. Straight Apple,

Computer Science, Goody Two-shoes guy, right?

Now look at you. You're an embarrassment.

Let me tell you something. You could've had one of these.

Hey, we got free pizza and beer.

Why don't you get off my nuts?

They waving at you? Yeah.

Hey!

Fucker! Get out!

Watch it, man.

Jesus Christ. Fuck you.

What, do you know those fags?

A bunch of freshmen. They just moved in.

Sorry about that.

It's an oldie, but a goodie.

The young Slosh.

Our little boy. He's grown up.

Honey, I'm home.

Hey, dude.

- Scumbags. - Where'd you get the pizza?

From that place Slosh used to work at.

What, again? Howdy, sir.

Oh, man. Jesus Christ.

Slosh, you quit every two weeks.

This time I'm getting fired.

It looks like you guys don't wanna share the windfall--

Hey!

Slosh. Slosh is the man.

Come on. Brew me.

Here we go. All right.

To Slosh.

Hey, Rob, where you going? To the bar,

pick up my paycheck. Meet you at the Boardwalk.

Oh, yeah, he's gotta check in with the warden first.

That's what's happening here.

Oh, don't run off with Joanie. Just ride down with us.

It's a boys' night. Don't be a whipped dog.

Oh, Jack, Jack,

do we really wanna talk about being pussy-whipped?

Need I remind you of a certain woman

whose first name starts with the letter Dina?

All right, fuck you, man. Oh, man.

Listen, I'm not gonna bring her along,

if that's what you're worried about.

Any more smart-ass comments before I go?

Yeah, just one.

Who's been using my coffee mug?

I don't know. Does anybody give a rip?

I found it out on the front stoop this afternoon.

Now, I thought I made this abundantly clear

that there are two things that nobody touches, yeah?

My Vespa and my mug.

That's right. Now, come to find that one of you

syphilitic swine had his diseased lips on the thing?

All right. Have a stroke, Pappy.

Ah. See? The guilty party.

It's outrageous.

You know, Chelsea said she'd be there tonight.

You like Chelsea now?

Good for you. You should go for her.

I didn't know you were planning another one

of your Waterloos of love.

Let's get going. Don't wanna miss this.

Yeah, gotta go.

Oh, Christ, here they come.

- Hey. - Hey.

Hey, sorry we're late. Joanie wanted to come.

I hope you guys don't mind me tagging along.

It's just-- It's my last chance to go on the log ride.

No, by all means.

This collar looks a little tight.

Just brace yourself, Joanie.

The lads may get a tad immature for your tastes.

Hey, just pretend I'm not here. No, it's gonna be fun.

It's gonna be a lot of fun. It's fun.

Getting geared up for the big move to L.A.?

Yes. I have so much to do. I haven't even started packing--

Yeah, right. Let's get going before the lines get too long.

Come on. Hustle along. Let's go.

Well, let's go.

Ha! Hey!

Nobody beats the big log.

You should've paddled faster. Right.

- Sorry about that. - They started it.

She's all right. Right, baby? Yeah, I'm fine.

Mickey!

Oh, what's up? Guess who.

Hey, Chelsea. Hi, guys.

Ride the roller coaster with me.

Oh, I'm actually kind of hungry.

Hey, man, ride the roller coaster.

Oh, I was about to get a chimichanga.

Look, you just had an ice cream sandwich.

I sat on that. Oh, go.

Go now. You are--

Come on, faster.

What's wrong with him? You think she likes him?

- Mickey! - Hey!

So we're leaving the chancellor's party.

We've got a case of wine and several trays of sushi

that we've purloined from the catering truck

and our good buddy Flailin' Ed sneaks upstairs.

Flailin 'Ed, that guy was a genius.

Who's Flailin' Ed? No, you don't wanna know.

Shut the fuck up. Let him tell the story.

Shh.

He was this Hunter S. Thompson-style drunk that...

He used to live at El Rancho.

Right. So we're thinking, you know,

what the hell is this guy gonna do, right?

By now, he's out of his mind on amyl nitrate.

I mean, he's drooling, and he's got this...

So anyway, Ed moseys on up into the master bedroom

and drops a Lincoln Log in the tub.

We had a great run, Slosh.

If you and Mickey get a nice apartment...

You ever stop and wonder,

what if what I got going is the best I'm ever gonna get?

You'd be stupid not to make it last.

I was beginning to think, "Hey, fuck it.

One more spin on the merry-go-round, slick.

I'll pay you Tuesday."

Give me some loving. Get up.

What's the matter with you?

Man, I'm starving.

You just ate.

I didn't eat a damn thing all day, man.

Why give me shit every time I put something in my mouth?

Well, because you got a fat ass.

Oh, you can lick my crack, the three of you, okay?

Jack, phone.

Got it!

Slosh, hang up the phone!

Hello?

Oh, hey, Mom.

Do what?

Do I have another girlfriend yet?

That's funny, Mom.

No. Give me a break.

No, Mom, I haven't seen Dina in a while.

What?

Graduation?

It's on Saturday.

No, I just figured you guys didn't want to.

You know, it's basically the same as high school grad.

With the robes and the stupid square hats, so...

Fuck it up, all right? You'll get a clue.

Uh-huh. Right.

Go on.

- You had a good time? - Yeah. Mm.

Well, is Dad coming too?

Here, check this out.

So, you know, my mom always sa--

Oh, great. That's great. It'll be a lot of fun.

Right.

Mom, I gotta go, all right?

Yeah, okay.

I'll talk to you soon. Me too, Mom.

Yeah. See you Saturday. Bye.

You're not gonna show this to anyone. You promise?

I promise.

Yes. Very beautiful. Okay, promise one more time.

- Yes, I promise. - I promise. I promise.

Wow, oh, my God.

Okay. No, come on.

Okay, hold on. Just let me put this down.

I'm coming. Good.

Don't you worry. One second.

Just let me put this down. Yes.

- Hello. Hi, Mom. - Oh, God, don't say Mom.

Wave. Let's go.

You still have your shoes on.

It's still a little rough.

So you try to get your guy to kill all the evil bunnies.

You know, Slosh, I bet

if you change the bunny rabbits to--

Oh, say, Nazis or something,

I bet you could sell that thing.

No, it's just for fun.

Whatever.

You know what? Guys, I'm not moving out.

What?

You heard me. I'm not moving out.

I'm staying here at Cruz for another year at El Rancho.

Oh, bullshit. Yeah, think about it.

Landlord ain't rented the place yet.

I mean, he'd be tickled three shades of pink

to keep getting checks from us. Right?

Think about it.

You guys really wanna give this place up?

What about the bar?

I mean, this is a fucking great bar.

We're just gonna, what, leave it here

for the next asshole who moves in?

We couldn't do that to the bar.

Well, Mickey and I,

were gonna take it to the new apartment.

Had some good times at this bar, man.

Hey, Rob, you remember we went down

and got the glass cut and beveled to fit the top?

What a pain in the ass that was?

It wasn't cheap, that's for sure.

I don't know. I just--

I figured now that school's over, you know,

I think we owe it to ourselves.

Relax a little bit, you know? Take it easy.

A few grins.

If you guys stayed, that'd be fucking awesome, man.

Fuck, yeah, man. Yeah, it would.

I mean, we could put the band back together.

Be like it was in the old days.

We'd have a fucking great time, man.

These punks are easy, man. It's just you two guys.

Oh, no, no, no. Don't start with me, man.

Rob. Come on. Where's our band gonna be

without our suave, sexy, front man guy, huh?

After you got all fucking mature and quit on us,

the band fell apart. We're nothing without you.

Yeah.

It's not gonna work.

Dennis. Yeah?

Business school in Michigan?

Who are you kidding? You got three degrees already.

The whole thing's a fucking joke, man.

Seriously, what, are you just gonna walk away

from your photography after you spent a year on it?

You're finally getting your eye, putting it together.

It's starting to look good. Okay, okay, okay.

Actually, it's sort of funny that you bring this up,

because Luther sort of offered me

an apprenticeship. What?

Yeah. He asked me to stay on next year.

Are you serious? Yes, I am.

He is offering me a salary and credit towards my MFA.

Dennis.

You've been dying to transfer to Michigan since I met you.

Yes, I know. So I will defer my enrollment.

I mean, you know, come on. What's another year, right?

I mean, we're young and stupid and unattached.

I was gonna go and live with my brother.

That can wait another year, man.

Joanie's not gonna wait a year. She'll flip out.

You gotta be kidding me.

Rob, you can't fight this, man.

I mean, come on. You know, I need this.

We all need this.

Jesus, let's rage against the dying of the light a little.

Yeah. Come on.

You don't wanna end up like the rental truck guy.

Forget about the skirt. There are more where she came from.

And throw off the shackles.

Come on, it'll be like the fucking old days.

Please, Rob. I'm begging you, man.

I'm on my hands and knees, kissing your smelly ass.

All right, let's do it. Let's do it.

Just stay away from my ass. Go!

Yeah!

Hey, bring your friends to the El Rancho

tomorrow night. Free beer.

Oh, yeah. You know how long it's been

since I've been with anybody besides Joanie?

No, but I bet you do.

Eighteen months.

Oh, that's a long time for the king of swing.

Wow. Mm, yeah.

- I think she likes you. - Yeah.

There you go. That's a Mickey original.

Mick, you're a mindblower.

Hey, is that that nut beer?

Why don't you give this up? I'll give you a nut.

Get out of here, you cheap screw. Buy your own.

Come on, man. Why are you coming at me

with the cheap screw thing for?

I just want a taste-- What?

Every time we go out, for four years now,

you buy that piss water, then you want my import.

You think I'm not onto this routine?

You really-- You ought to watch out for that stuff.

Because there's stuff in there that'll give you a butt cancer.

What are you talking about?

This is good beer. Oh, no, no.

Delicious, no doubt,

but you see the darker-yielding hops,

they tend to get trapped in your colon and fester

until that magical moment

when your prostate drops out like a peach pit.

Wait, hey, hey. Oh, Edgar.

There's been a terrible mistake here. See this party?

This party was last weekend. The party is over.

They've already cleaned up all the cups. Sorry.

Who invited that dork?

Treacherous little bastard. Who's responsible? Slosh!

Come here, Slosh. Come here.

Come here a second. Hey, what's up, bros?

Did you invite the Pudwhacker?

Who? The Pudwhacker, man.

The fucking action man over there.

Who told you to invite him,

Come here, come here, come here.

You see, Edgar used to live in your room, okay?

He's a compulsive little jerk-off artist.

He's an idiot. He owes us 200 bucks for the phone bill.

Always staring at Joanie.

I'm sorry. No more Pudwhackers.

All right, very good.

We got a reputation to hold up here.

That's right. Women.

Mr. Mick. Mickey.

You wanna put some diapers on that thing?

Yeah. Jay, can we get a nipple for Mickey's beer here?

Yeah, just a minute, boys.

My number one big spender is buying shots for everybody.

- Welcome back! - Yeah!

People say nothing is forever.

If that's true, how do you explain herpes

or the Grateful Dead?

I say forever's for people

who got the balls to make it last.

We were back, all right.

I was gonna prove all these pricks wrong.

Tomorrow, after graduation ceremony,

the studio will be open.

Feel free to bring your friends and your relatives,

and show off your excellent work.

Once again, thank you. See you tomorrow.

Luther. Yes, Jack.

I just wanted to know what you thought of my final piece.

Well, you'll receive my written assessment

in the mail in a couple days time.

I know. I just wanted to hear it from you.

All right.

To be perfectly honest with you,

l find it muddled.

It seems to me you get lost in abstractionism

and you lose sight of your real feelings.

With my real feelings?

It's the old argument, Jack.

Art isn't just the vomiting up of adolescent angst.

Real art is subject to a complex filtration system

allied to tried and true structures.

I look at your stuff, and what do I see?

I see 20th-century American suburbia.

It doesn't resonate.

That was why I was so keen to have you participate

in the Corpus Christi totem.

Yeah, but, Luther, I told you-- I mean--

I've never even been to Tijuana,

much less 15th-century South America.

You know, I mean--

What does a Corpus Christi totem mean to me?

All the other students were prepared

to open themselves to a multicultural experience.

That is why they have gone full circle and why they--

They are full of shit and have no personality.

I mean, this multiculturalism thing

is completely bullshit.

I was raised in the suburbs. That's where I was born.

That's what I'm trying to express. I can't have--

That's what I know.

So you intend to captivate people

with the plight of the affluent,

white American male.

Well, I have some shocking news for you.

Nobody cares.

So he's giving me his whole song and dance

about the tried and true structures,

and all that bullshit. Wait, hold on.

I'm sorry. I'm sorry. Oh, Mickey?

How much longer?

Five minutes.

Oh, jeez. Anyway, man...

So then he said my stuff was muddled vomit.

Ouch!

Yeah. Can you believe that wanker?

You're kidding me. No.

Oh. Well...

I mean, I hate to be the fart in your soup bowl,

but he loved mine.

What? Mm. Yeah.

I threw in my working boy photo essay.

Oh, my God! You're kidding me. You finished that yesterday.

That's right. He loved it.

I'm telling you, man, Luther went crazy for it.

What? Slosh doing vodka shots in his Johnson holders?

Yeah, Rancho.

Yeah, party here tonight.

What can I tell you? We're back.

All right, bring everybody. Yeah.

Yeah, yo, check it out, Jack.

Luther said that I brought a compelling,

socio-scatological edge to my work.

You're pulling my ripcord, right?

No. Not even a little bit.

You know he wants to shuck your corncob, don't you?

You know, I mean, when you get like this,

it's just sad.

You slap this shit together, and he loves it.

He gives me a speech on the fucking filtration process.

What does that tell you? You're a dolt and a homophobe.

What? It's just beyond the realm of possibility

that he likes my work, right?

I got it! Let's go!

You think I like having these incredible powers

of perception? We're gonna get the kegs.

Consider the ulterior motives.

Oh, just drop it, will you?

I can do this, right? I'm just nervous, you know?

Don't worry about it. We're there. We're back.

Dudes of steel, right? Yeah!

There you go. You look good. See?

Yeah? Oh, man.

You're not gonna wear that, are you?

That too-drunk-to-fuck button. You're not gonna wear that.

Hey, man, this thing works like fucking magic.

You put this fucking button on, and immediately

drunk chicks start coming up to you and say,

"Is that really true?"

Please, don't be offended if I laugh in your face.

That is ridiculous.

Four simple words pack a lot of punch.

For one thing, it shows good taste in music,

which you obviously lack.

Two, a self-deprecating sense of humor

which women fucking love.

Three, this sort of angst-ridden,

sexual mysteriousness thing that I got going on.

Oh, man!

Well, so much for sexual mysteriousness.

I don't recall you getting anywhere at the last party.

No, that's right, but I could have.

Okay? Easily.

These are monastic times, my friend.

All portent and no payoff is a win.

And I won big.

So I'm a photographer.

Actually, I teach at the university

and I'm looking for somebody

who could do some modeling for me.

There may be some nudity required.

I don't know.

Oh, hey, Mickey. Where are you going?

Piss. All right. Wait up.

Hey! Hey!

Hey, who's that?

You guys almost got me, man.

Oh. Hey, Crazy.

You see band of Orks go by? What you doing here?

Orks? Well, we kind of live here.

Aren't we by the castle in the woods?

No. No. No. No.

Hey, hey, why don't you go back to ye olde pub

and have yourself a pint of ale?

I was just tying my shoes.

Okay. I know, man. I know--

You gonna be ready to play later?

I wasn't in the bushes, man. Oh, well, okay.

That's fine.

Some guitar player you got there.

Well, by now, you should be knee-deep

in a certain young lady's underpants, huh?

I see how well you're doing.

Listen. Always do as I say, not as I do.

If you get thirsty, come on back over here.

Or if you wanna rap or need another drink,

you just come on back and let me know, all right?

Yeah, hot-blooded little monkey.

She's cute, Jack.

So what?

One more line, you would've bagged her.

Oh, you think so, Chelsea?

So, what's up with you and Mickey?

Nothing. No, sir, nada.

He treats me like I'm his sister.

I'm condemned to wallflower status.

I'm gonna die a lonely old maid.

Ah-- Are you fishing for a compliment here?

Is that what's going on?

Because you can forget about it.

Beat it, would you? I'm trying to get laid.

Beer?

You're the rapscallions putting up the basketball hoop?

That's us. We just moved into the house down the block.

So you get to live with Slosh, huh?

So was he always this psycho?

Was Slosh always psycho?

Yeah.

Okay. I'm not gonna candy coat this for you.

He is a psychotic, maniac drunk. Okay?

Been that way since I met him.

Six a.m.? Heh.

Kid's shot out of a cannon. All right?

Doesn't stop until the beer is gone.

Well, huh? Is Slosh a psycho?

Oh, please.

Yeah, he's a psycho. Right.

All right, now beat it. You guys bug me.

Go on. Get the hell out. I'm finished. Go on. Go on!

Don't give me big Bambi doe eyes. Beat it!

Are you gonna get that?

Yeah, no. Fuck them.

They're just gonna complain.

All right.

Op Ivy, Screeching Weasel.

Hey, how come you have

all those pictures of Jim Belushi on your wall?

John Belushi.

He was a genius.

He had the class to die in his prime.

Here we go, NOFX. S&M Airlines.

Jack, can I tell you something?

Sure.

Um...

I always thought you were cute.

When we would play spring softball together,

I'd always look at your butt. Heh.

Chelsea. Did you really?

Yeah.

What, uh...?

What about Mickey? I mean--

I thought you guys are, uh...

I don't know. I just--

Mickey doesn't like me, and I like you.

Mickey! What's wrong, man?

Man, the same old story.

What happened? You look like a dog's ass.

We got any vodka or anything?

God, I hope that isn't true.

Wait. Wait a minute.

Chels, I'm--

I'm not into this. Why?

I mean, is it about Mickey? Because Mickey doesn't like me.

No, no, no. It's not about Mickey, okay?

It's about you.

I just-- I'm not into it. Okay?

What did I do?

Nothing. You didn't--

You didn't do anything. It's me. I--

You're not my type, you know.

All right. All right. Look,

we're not gonna talk about this, okay?

I'm really sorry. God, I'm such an idiot! No.

Chels, wait a second. What I meant--

What I'm trying to say is-- Chelsea!

Hey! Psycho, bro!

Hey, dude!

You shredded our lawn.

Hey, you got that beer bong back here?

Yeah. Right here. Hey, there it is!

Enjoy it.

Oh, yeah!

Hello? Dina.

Hi, Dina. Yeah, it's me, Jack.

Listen, um...

I just, uh...

I'm sorry. Did I wake you up?

I'm sorry, I didn't mean to call so late. I just--

I just called up

because I just wanna ask you a question.

I have something I wanna ask you,

if that's all right. I just, uh...

Listen, Dina,

I just--

I just wanna say-- I just--

I just wanna say...

Fuck you.

Fuck fuck you.

Thank you. Thank you.

Welcome to Rancho, where the stars shine bright

and the moon goes down

so it won't be hit by the stars.

Hey, hey!

What, dude? Come, come here.

What, man? We're supposed to be on stage.

What? Why? What up?

What, Slosh puke again? What's the problem?

What?

I can't believe I let you talk me into this.

Look at me? Will you look at me? Look at me.

I look like Jam Master Shecky.

God! What are you, fucking insane, man?

The pimp jacket is tits, dude. What's the stress factor?

What's the stress factor?

I look like an asshole.

I haven't sung in a year. I could go on.

Let's have Mickey DJ at the party.

I don't wanna make a fool out of myself.

Did you smell this thing? Smell that thing.

You know, pardon me, all right,

Mr. Fucking Highfalutin' Econ Guy,

but this bitch-slapping, pimp-ass fucking coat

is your trademark. You wore it at every gig.

What are you talking about? We only had five gigs.

All right, you gonna be a baby?

Is that it? You gonna be a pussy about it?

Forget it. That's fine because Slosh was gonna do a song.

And he'll wear the coat.

We could just have him do your whole set.

Cool, so you don't need to worry.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, okay, wait, wait, wait.

Don't beg me. I'll do it.

Is everybody happy?

Hey! We have to wrap this up.

But before we do, Slosh would like to do a song.

Slosh! Where are you, man?

No way, chief. You're gonna sing one?

All right! I didn't know this was your band.

It's my band.

Come on, baby! Do it, man!

Do it! You're the man!

You're the man!

Oh, yes!

Very nice! Bravo.

Hey, baby. Hey, woman.

Neat threads. Where are all your hos?

Yeah. Well, I figured, why not?

It's all a part of the show.

You know what I mean?

Hey, why don't you give me--? Oh, Rob.

You're all sweaty and gross.

Don't! Heh.

You know, I was thinking. That we should start

our own little Josie and the Pussycats band.

What do you think? Yeah.

Get a song and sing it over and over

and scream it into the microphone.

It'll be great.

Oh, Rob.

You're not gonna go get your scrotum

pierced or anything, are you?

Well, whoa, Joanie, come here. Can I talk to you for a second?

I think I'm gonna get a talking to.

I'll be right over there, girls, okay?

Stand strong. All right. Over here?

Yeah. Over here. One, two, three, four!

What are you doing? Huh?

What are you doing?

You think I was trying to be funny out there?

What?

You were kooky. You know, wacky.

Hey. Hey, don't do that. Don't do that.

Don't you come over here to my house

and belittle me and my housemates

in front of these little fucking teenyboppers.

This means something to me.

You know what?

When me and my friends get together

and we get all cuckoo-wacky, that's me.

That's the real me. I'm a cuckoo-wacky bastard.

Oh, so this is the real you.

Yeah, that's right.

And which one of you

was the guy who told me to shut up

in front of his friends? Is that the real you?

I guess that is the real me. I'm an asshole.

You didn't know that?

No, I didn't know that.

But thanks. You know, I'm glad we got this straightened out.

Yeah. Me too.

I think I should be going. Yeah, why don't you?

And have fun at breakfast with Mommy.

Drive fucking careful!

Hey, who the fuck let the bacon in here?

Free bird!

Free bird!

Free-fucking-bird!

Up the academy.

Oh, God.

Hey, Mickey. What happened with Chelsea?

Did you make it happen?

I don't wanna talk about it.

Oh, come on. Spill yon beans, sonny boy.

You didn't say anything stupid, did you?

Look, all I know is that she left early.

Stop breaking his nads, man, will you?

I saw that female freak-out Joanie pulled on you.

Oh, yeah, man. That was ugly.

Fuck. I'm supposed to be having breakfast with her mother.

Oh, yikes. Meeting the mom.

So, Dennis, what happened to that chick

you were dancing all over the place with?

Oh, her. Well...

I talked to her at some length

and, quite frankly, found her substandard.

Oh, God. Fuck you. No, it's true.

We spoke in detail,

and I decided that there was something

genetically impolite about her.

Come on. Drink.

What's wrong with you people?

This sucks. It's the same after every party.

Everybody goes home,

and I end up sitting here with you dickheads.

You're better off this way, believe me.

See, this is what freedom's all about.

You see, with a girlfriend,

you get a constant supply, okay?

Oh, it's the same meal every day,

but you never go hungry.

Now, single guys like us,

obviously, there are no regular meals,

but when it's finally chow time,

it's a smorgasbord.

Yeah? A little bit of this, a little bit of that.

Some smorgasbord. I'm stuffed.

Okay, sometimes it rains, sometimes it doesn't.

But you have to ask yourself

do you really want a girlfriend

or just some comforting, disease-free harbor

where you can park your genitals?

I wanna be in love.

Oh, he wants to be in love.

Sure, see how long that lasts.

I'll tell you, you know, it's like Camus was right.

The greatest love affair in the world

is where you get a woman,

she fucking loves you, you know?

And right in the middle of the salad days,

when you're still stupid in love with each other,

she dies.

She never gets a chance to dump you.

She never gets to drag her family into it.

That's right.

You never get sick of her. Love never fades.

To Camus.

Camus. Camus.

To Al. To Al.

Me and Dina were supposed to go to Bali after graduation.

That clown will probably take her to Six Flags.

Hope he falls off the loop de loop.

To make matters worse,

I had the parental units for the day.

Hey! Hey, Mom.

Well, con-graduations.

In Catcher In the Rye,

Holden Caulfield said something to the effect

of whenever you get someplace new and exciting,

somebody else has been there first

and scribbled "fuck you" on it.

For me, that person was my father.

Dad. Good to see you. Jack.

So you, ahem, you find the hotel all right?

Oh, yes. Right next to the methadone clinic.

By the way, what was all that hooting and hollering

during the commencement speech?

I remember my graduation as being much more solemn.

It's just Santa Cruz.

You know, we're a lot more casual up here.

What do you plan to do now that you've graduated?

Well, I've only been a college graduate for 17 minutes,

so I don't know yet.

Well, according to my calculations,

that's 17 minutes behind anyone who's planned ahead.

Hey, guys.

We finally made it!

Yeah, we did.

This whole thing's a travesty.

Are your folks not coming up to celebrate?

Yeah, right. Yeah.

This is my third degree. They don't bother anymore.

Ooh. I'll tell you one thing, though.

That Felicia's got a neat little turd cutter on her. Hmm?

Jesus. You gotta help me out here, Dennis.

Joanie and her mom

are lurking out there somewhere.

I don't want to get shackled down like some mutt, right?

No, you don't.

You tell that hag and her skunk of a mother

to drop dead.

Yeah, I better find her,

All my relatives were gonna come up

for my graduation next year.

And instead you slapped them in the face, huh?

Pretty much.

My mom says my granddad cries

every time they mention my name.

He's from the old country.

What is he? Is he a Sicilian?

Oh, come on.

Don't give me the family disgrace crap, huh?

You don't understand Asian culture.

Oh-- Yeah. I know.

I'm just a big ol' white dummy.

Look, despite your obvious racial handicap,

you are an American citizen now, okay?

So act like one.

We shit all over our families, and then we have kids

who grow up to be as big a fuckups as we are, huh?

I guess I have that to look forward to then, huh?

That's right.

Which one is it?

It's here. It's this one.

It's so shiny.

This is wild.

Is this yours too?

No, Ma.

Aha. Oh, good. Okay.

I really like it, Jack. It's really cute.

Dad?

Well, what are you gonna do with it?

I'm not gonna do anything with it. I just-- Ahem.

I was wondering, you know, what you thought.

Oh, look at--

The hand, and--

It's cast metal, isn't it?

How much would you say it weighs?

Hey, what's going on?

Congratulations.

Oh, yeah.

Listen, Joanie.

I'm sorry about what I said at the Boardwalk.

No-- I was really-

I'm sorry. It'll never happen again.

I blew the prime directive of girlfriending.

I got between a guy and his friends.

Yeah.

So Monday, it's right around the corner.

Do you--? Yeah, uh...

Yeah, I've been thinking about it.

Maybe we could talk--

Here she is. Oh, shit.

Look, this is no big deal, okay?

Okay. All right. Okay.

Mom, this is Rob.

Rob, this is my mother.

Why, hi there.

You okay? Hey.

Here, babe. Drink some.

Oh, he's choking.

I just need to catch my breath.

Push!

It's okay, Mrs. Crump. I'm okay.

It's fine. I'm okay.

I'm fine.

You still have something coming out of your nose.

Ah, shit. Let's start all over.

Okay. I'm Joanie's mom.

You can just call me Vicki.

Hi.

It's a pleasure to finally meet you.

I don't know, Mickey. I think I need to find a nice mute woman.

You know, like the one in that movie.

Like the one at the ticket office.

- No, not her. - What's wrong with her?

Randy's having a big beach bonfire down at Seabright.

Are you gonna go? I don't know.

Oh, come on. If the Grunion run up on the beach,

we can hit them with sticks.

Dennis and I were gonna kind of hang out

and do some graduation,

you know, celebrating and stuff.

Um, we might come after.

Okay.

Maybe I'll see you later.

Yeah.

Oh, fuck. I don't believe her, man.

You're an idiot.

Oh, Dennis.

Excuse me, please.

Really, though, I think there's something wrong

with you, Mickey. Something very, very wrong.

Dennis, I want you to stop by the faculty luncheon

this afternoon. Meet the rest of the faculty.

Some of the people you'll be working with.

Ah, well...

To tell you the truth, I just made plans.

Well, piss on your plans.

Just stop by for a few minutes.

Hobnob with the good and the great. Hmm?

There'll be free drink.

Perhaps that will provide you with sufficient motivation.

Hmm. Well...

Okay, I'll see you there.

Impress everyone. Make me look good.

I will.

Ah. Excellent.

Now, Jack, tell me.

That girl you've been going around with.

What about her? Hmm?

Dina? Yeah, we don't talk much anymore.

I never did get the story straight.

Who dumped who, dear?

Well, I guess she dumped me, Mom.

You guess?

Why would she do that?

She just fell out of love with me.

People don't just fall out of love, dear.

They need a little shove.

Was she sleeping with both of you at once?

- Christ, Mom. - Look, Jack.

You're a college graduate. Don't be so milquetoast.

You loved her, didn't you?

Are we still on this? Yeah, I did.

She was the best.

It's been a while, though, hasn't it?

Don't you think you should be over her by now?

I don't know, Mom. Is there a time limit?

I mean, what do you guys want me to say?

I'm sorry. Yes, I still love her, okay?

All right. If that's the case, fine.

Go get her.

Tell her you love her. Sweep her off her feet.

You guys are missing something. She dumped me.

Oh, Jack. Don't be a horse's ass.

Either fish or cut the bait?

Don't be pining away over a girl like some chump.

You know? Go get her.

We still have your bedroom at the house.

You two can live there. Of course.

That's it. I'll pull some strings and get you into work.

We'll start you out in shipping.

You're getting a bit of a late start,

but in a couple of years,

I'm sure you can make something of yourself.

Heh. You guys are flipping out, man.

Jesus, Mary and the apostles, boy,

when are you going to get serious?

What do you think this is, a damn game?

I just made you a goddamned sensible offer!

Darryl, please. You're gonna make a scene.

Listen to me!

I don't care if the girl is in or out.

Make a goddamn decision!

What's with you, guys? I mean, what did I do?

What's with all the pressure?

We love you, Jack.

You know that. We're proud you went away to college.

We're not so happy you got a degree in art.

Why not? It's not worth anything.

It has no cash value.

It's time to give up.

You've had four years to be happy

and do what you want.

But...

I wanna do what I want my whole life.

Oh, Jack. What?

Life is not a fairy tale. But, Dad,

I don't wanna be some zombie climbing the corporate ladder.

You'll learn to like it.

It's the American way.

Don't even bother.

Stop trying to talk sense into him.

Listen, Jack, go out there and see

how many people are gonna pay you

to arrange garbage into neat little piles.

Oh, waiter?

Check, please, when you have a chance.

I need to go to the bathroom. May I be excused?

Hey! Whoa, whoa, whoa.

Where you going with that video game, young man?

What do you care? You guys never play it.

Well, yeah. I would've gotten around to it eventually.

All right. Mom, Dad.

No. Just shut up

and listen to me for a second, all right?

I appreciate everything you guys you've done for me,

but you-- I'm my own man!

But I'm my own man now.

You guys both had a chance to screw up your lives,

so just back off.

Give me a chance to screw up mine.

Mom.

All right. Don't cry, it's okay.

It's fine.

Dad.

Thank you. I appreciate that.

It takes a big man to admit when he's wrong like that.

I love you too.

Hey! Hey!

What a minute. What are you doing?

You're ditching me here?

He's a man of the world. He'll find his own way.

Send us a postcard from Skid Row, Jack!

What? Wait a minute, I got something to say!

Thanks. Thanks a lot.

Whoa! Man, this is phat!

You made this? Yep.

Oh, man, thanks for bringing this over.

Hey, somebody fucking brew me. Come on.

Hey, Andy, beer. Come on, come on, brew, come on!

Here you go, man.

All right. Stew's the man.

I felt like it didn't matter if I was there or not.

You looked at me and you were all,

"Hi, Theresa." And I'm all, "What?"

Like you weren't even glad to see me.

And Danielle's all, "What's with you and Doug?"

And I'm all, "Why do you ask?" She's all, "Well, I don't know.

It just doesn't seem like you guys are talking."

This always happens when we're at parties.

Does not. I just-- I don't do the hugging, kissing,

public-display-of-affection thing.

It's something better kept in private.

I mean, it just makes me feel

like you don't even care, you know?

What? Because I am not actively showing you

my adoration and affection--?

Uh, ahem. Excuse me. What?

Would you guys mind just shutting up?

Keep your pathetic little relationship to yourselves.

You-- Heh.

Hello.

Why don't you do something?

Me? Why?

Okay, good. I'm not gonna forget about this, okay?

Really? Hey, hey!

Why don't you mind your own business?

Chick, you're making it my business, okay?

Oh, chi-- chick?

Chick, chick. Oh, so I'm a chick now.

Okay--

Theresa-- Who do you think--? Doug.

Who do you think you are telling people what to do?

Listen, I don't wanna hear your dirty laundry, okay?

I think I speak for everyone here. Am I right?

Keep it to yourself.

You know what? you don't speak for me,

and you don't tell me what to do.

Just shut the fuck up, okay? Ride the fucking bus!

How hard is that? Look out the fucking windows.

Keep to yourself, all right? Just shut up!

What the hell is going on back there?

You know, you are so lucky

I don't know karate. So lucky.

All right. Settle down, Doug.

All right, this had better be good.

What seems to be the problem here, miss?

He called me chick.

A chick?

Not on my bus. All right, let's go, mister, you're off.

You're out of here. Come on.

What? Come on, you heard me.

You may be able to get away with that language

maybe on the 2, maybe on the 7, but not on the 3!

That kind of language doesn't wash on the 3.

Fuck you, man!

Fuck me? Fuck you, buddy!

Hey, buddy! Hey, buddy! You--

Hey-- Back off! You get--

Let go! All right, give me my fucking shirt back!

You want your shirt back? You learn to treat a woman

with dignity and respect. Right.

Then you'll get your shirt back.

Spaz-o.

Not so tough now, are you, macho man?

Fuck you! Fuck off! Fuck-- Don't hit my bus!

Jerk-off!

You jerk...off.

Hey.

You wouldn't believe my fucking day.

Keg tapped out?

You want to get a twelver and shred?

Hey.

You all right?

Yeah.

I tell you, man, I don't get it.

You know who she's going out with now?

Who who's going out with?

Dina.

You know who's the new me?

What do you care? I thought you were over her.

Yeah. She's got some new fucking boyfriend now.

You know him. That fucking guy.

You know, with the bug with Bob Marley on the door.

That greasy guy? Yeah.

Dumped me for some white trash Rastafarian.

Bullshit.

But I envy you.

You got the good life now with Chelsea.

I don't got no kind of life with Chelsea.

Well, you could have,

if you put in any effort, though.

She likes you.

What? And that's fine.

I think you two-- I want you two to be happy together.

Wait a minute, are you talking about the party

when she came up to my room?

Is that what you're talking about?

Has this been like a little issue for you?

You've been stewing on this, haven't you?

Dude, she only did that to make you jealous, you know that.

Yeah. Yeah, I'll bet.

I'm telling you, she only came to provoke a response.

Jesus Christ!

What does it take to light a fire under your ass?

Ha, ha. Yeah.

You're unbelievable, man. You know that?

What, you really get off that much on being a poor little guy

who can't get a girlfriend, huh?

I'll tell you what else she did. You know what?

She put my fucking balls in her mouth.

Yeah, she put my nuts in her mouth

and she hummed "The Star Spangled Banner."

All right. See? There you go, I--

Ow, man! What the fuck's the matter--?

Ah! All right. Take it easy! Jesus Christ!

All right!

I made all that shit up.

I was just trying to piss you off.

She's a fine young lady. Fine...

upstanding young citizen.

Nice little titties too.

I'm sorry, man. I was just kidding.

I'm a bigger dumb shit than you are.

Here I am getting advice from you,

and you're carrying the Olympic torch for Dina still.

Yeah, that's right.

See how great having a girlfriend is?

Aren't you just dying for a steady gal pal

who'll love, cherish and betray you?

You should try it. It's a lot of fun.

All right, you guys.

Hey. Hey.

You're tremendous.

It was nice meeting you, Rob.

Nice meeting you. See you.

I'll see you later.

All right. I'll call you.

Bye. Okay. We'll talk.

So you met the mom,

Yeah. We went for chowder

and went up to the Mystery Spot.

It's pretty-- It was boring.

Looked like you were hitting it off.

What's up with that?

Yeah. If you wanna call it that.

You got some lipstick on you.

What?

Stop playing house darts.

You're wrecking the furniture, man.

Ha! Right. House darts!

Forget it, Rob! Forget it, Rob!

Stop with the darts! Hey, man.

Hey, guys, we got some beers here, huh?

What do you say? Yes. A fine brew.

The elixir of the gods.

You know, I realize now

my only salvation lies at the bottom of this bottle.

Um, guys, are you guys really staying?

What's that supposed to mean?

It's just that Stew and those guys down the street

just asked me to move in.

I mean, unless you guys are for sure staying,

then I'll be moving down there.

So, what, you'd sell us out?

No, no. I just wanted to be sure before I said no.

I mean, is everyone for sure staying?

Yeah, we're fucking staying, man.

I can't leave this place yet.

Right, Slosh, what's the matter with you?

Come on, we got a beach party to go to.

You brew these fucking guys

before we all die of thirst here.

God.

All right, fine. You know, forget it. Fuck you, then.

Here, Mickey, come on.

Well-- Dennis, come on.

Pound these down, let's go. The fun's just beginning.

Up the academy, right?

Yeah. Yeah! Yeah. This is the fun.

Okay.

Yeah. Let's drink this stuff.

Oh, Jack, Jack, Jack. What?

Would you mind maybe, you know, staying outside?

What for? They got free cocktails.

Oh, I know, but, uh...

Yeah, you're all amped up, and you hate Luther anyway.

Just, you know, let me get in, get the job.

I'll be out in two seconds. Ay, ay, ay.

All right, you better fucking bring me something.

All right. All right.

You want me to stay out here with you?

This is spiffy.

This is where our tuition goes.

Ooh, little taco things.

There you are, Dennis.

I see you brought the entire motley crew with you.

Hey, Luther, good to see you.

I'll see you guys later,

Okay.

I was really going to introduce you to the rest of the faculty,

but you know most of them and those that you don't

are so interminably boring I think we'll skip that.

Really?

Oh, Dennis, I would so much prefer

to be stark naked and drunk on a beach in Thailand

than here wrestling for tenure.

I know what you mean.

I think sometimes you just get sick of playing the game.

Oh, Dennis, Dennis, Dennis. I am old and cynical.

I'm allowed to be bitter.

You're still young.

You should be filled with ideals.

If I was a Peruvian Indian,

the last place I'd want my harvest totem planted would be

in this pseudo-intellectual shit-house. That's just me.

There goes Rossi.

The man who almost single-handedly sunk

the Theater Department.

Did you see their production of The Crucible?

Oh, yeah.

With the surfer guy playing the lead pilgrim?

Oh, dear. It's all going down so fast.

But if we're smart,

we can winnow out a little place

and sit and fiddle

and watch the whole damn civilization burn down.

Well, it'd beat a jab in the eye

with a sharp stick any day.

Oh, Dennis, we're gonna have a lot of laughs together.

You know...

My life really needs a good kick in the backside.

I'm 48 years of age.

My friends are turning into fossils.

I so desperately need a young person

to give my life a little jump start.

Ah, okay. Um... Let's make sure

that we're both turned to the same page here.

But I thought this was about my work,

not the extracurricular fun and games together.

It is about your work.

Don't forget, art comes from the soul.

Love of one leads naturally

to an appreciation of the other.

Okay. I can see I've overstepped the bounds of your interest.

Fine. Forget it. Forget it. Forget it.

After all, it really is your painting I'm interested in.

You've got a pretty good scam going on here, man.

I'll see you around.

Dennis...

I want you to know that I am sincere.

Photography.

I am a photographer, not a painter.

You know-- Heh.

I can't believe I'm hanging out

with all these fucking art wankers.

Wait a minute. What--?

What happened to your job interview?

Well...

I never thought I would say this, but, uh...

All I am is a pretty face.

Ouch.

I hate it when I'm right all the time.

Yeah.

Luther is a bozo deluxe.

I mean, you know, my degree, it's just a fucking joke.

Yeah, it's getting stale real fast, man.

Gotta get out of here.

Hey, dudes, I saw Dennis out back with Jack.

Didn't seem like things worked out with Luther.

What happened? Hey, there they are.

Where?

There. They just took off down the hill

with the chain saw.

Shall we? Yeah.

Go!

Dear bloody Jesus Christ. Can somebody call security?

Get the fuck out of here!

What's the time, man?

It's time for love.

Hey, we're through with the monkey business, kids.

Very nice, dude.

Fuck me.

What's up?

Oh, Dina.

Can you believe that shit?

Fucking bitch.

She has to come here.

Chelsea, here.

All right, fuck it. I don't give a shit.

Fuck it. I'm just gonna fucking sit up here in the dunes

and drink myself stupid.

So...

Josh, what's it like not being in school?

It's a lot less strife.

You get a job, pay for the rent.

You get bored, you quit, move on to the next one.

Yeah? You enjoy yourself at least?

Yeah, I am.

Mainly thanks to you, bro.

How's that?

Well, I...

I always admire the way you always do what you want.

I think some of it rubbed off on me.

Heard you got kicked out of school.

Heh. Yeah.

That wasn't me then.

I was still that other guy.

Great.

You give me credit for ruining your life.

I showed you how to be a fucking drunk slob. Big deal.

Is that what you guys all think?

That I'm some fucking out-of-control idiot?

I'm not, man.

I looked at all my options, I made a choice

and fucking went with it.

You went with it, okay. Well, you went with what?

What do you got, Josh? No more fear.

I never really wanted to be in college, you know.

So I started fucking around, I flunked out.

I thought the world would end. It didn't.

That's when I realized you just gotta fucking throw caution

out the door and let life hit you full in the face.

Live life like a fucking dog that rides in a car, you know?

Head out the window, ears flapping in the breeze.

Come on, man. Of all people, I thought you'd understand that.

You changed my life, man.

Shit, I don't know what the fuck's gonna happen next week.

You know?

But I'm not afraid.

No more fear, huh?

You figured out that whole philosophy

by watching me flail around like a dummy?

I guess so. Ah, goody for you.

Meanwhile, the answer to my every hope and prayer

is down there with her new boyfriend's dick in her mouth.

Man, you gotta figure this out and move on.

Why don't you go talk to her?

Whatever goes down goes down, and that's cool.

What the fuck do you know?

Dog's head flapping in the wind.

Fucking idiot.

- Uh, you have. - Yeah.

Hey, Dina.

Can I talk to you for a second?

Hey. Hey! No.

So, what?

Is that what you needed your freedom for?

To go out with that guy?

He's a little defensive, isn't he?

Oh, and how would you feel?

I've got some deranged ex-boyfriend

calling me in the middle of the night and harassing me.

All right, wait a minute, I wasn't harassing you, okay?

I said "fuck you" once.

I was drunk. Jesus Christ, give me a break.

Once is plenty.

Do you have to be such a dick?

You don't even know him.

All right. Look, hold on one second, okay?

I just-- This is fucked.

This is not how I imagined this conversation happening.

I'm sorry. I didn't mean to yell at you.

I just-- I wanna--

Let's just start over, okay?

I'd like to, uh...

I'd like to try the whole thing over again.

Our relationship.

Wait a minute, Dina, listen to me.

Whatever's wrong with it, you know,

I can fix it.

I swear to God. I'm more in love with you now

than I ever have been.

I mean, I realized it the other day

when I saw you fucking kissing him

while he was waiting for the light to change.

You used to do that to me. Embarrass the shit out of me.

What is so special about me? Why do you even care?

I don't know.

I don't know what's going on anymore, you know.

When I was fucking 18, 19, I was great.

I had a fucking blast. I had a great time, you know?

And now it's like nothing's funny anymore.

Nothing's-- Nothing makes me laugh.

I mean, not really.

I'm 22 years old.

Three lousy years went by.

Where's all the funny shit?

What the fuck happened?

Because I'm totally fucking miserable now

and it's like I'm asking myself,

you know, "Is this all I got?"

I mean, isn't there a third option

between burning out and then fading away?

I mean, is that all I get?

You know, and I realized.

I figured it out.

It's you.

I mean, you're what's gonna keep me sane.

You're not in love with me, Jack.

Okay? Listen to me.

I'll tell you what you're doing.

You're obsessing,

and you have to stop

because you are starting to scare me.

No. Dina, listen to me.

I'm telling you, this is love.

This is real love.

This is like fucking poet love.

I feel it in my marrow, okay?

I love you.

I don't care, Jack.

I don't know how else to say it.

I'm not gonna be your little security blanket.

Dina.

Dina, wait a second.

Dina, please! Okay?

Don't do this to me.

- Please, Dina. - I'm begging you.

"This is poet love!"

What a fucking loser!

So much for sweeping her off her feet.

Thanks, Ma.

I had the boys strap my dignity

to the hood of the car and we headed home.

All right.

House darts, All right. House darts. Anyone?

Anyone?

Hell, yeah. Hey, house darts.

I gotta talk to you.

Um, if you don't wanna talk, that's fine.

But I'll be upstairs.

- Sideburn. - Ooh.

A little Hawaiian thing.

Pelvis.

Oh, man, what's the deal with this painting?

I've always hated this painting. It's so...

Who's is it? What's his name? Fishfucker.

Oh, he was the guy that used to be in my room.

Yeah. Cocksucker.

All right!

Elvis has left the building.

Mickey, can I come in?

Yeah.

So...

What are you so grumpy about?

Um...

I like you.

I like you too.

Oh, no. I'm not talking about that.

I mean, I like you too.

But I mean, I'm talking about something totally different.

See, um...

I like you,

the kind of "like you" where l...

I get to see you naked.

I-- Just hold on a minute.

I-- Uh-- Um...

See, I can't do this anymore.

I just-- I can't.

This palsy-walsy thing is, you know, I--

I mean, before you say anything,

I just want you to know what to expect.

God, you know, people are gonna know,

you know, that we're together.

Is there anything else?

Um, just this.

I'll be right back.

Time for another one. Ready?

What do you think you're doing?

Oh, some drunk asshole broke a lamp.

Yeah, and now he's about to smash this toaster.

No, no, no, no, no. Put it back.

Can't do it. Sorry.

No go. Come on, dude!

Don't break-- Don't break that.

Love it. Thank you.

Why'd you do that?

Because it's mine, I don't want it anymore

and I'm not leaving it here

for the next clown who moves in.

But we're staying.

Right, sure we are, Mick.

Not happening. Gots to go.

When did you decide this?

I was only upstairs for five seconds.

It's time to move on.

Whatever goes down, goes down, and that's cool.

Am I right, Slosh?

You got it, Grasshopper.

There we go.

Why all of a sudden is it time?

It just is. That's right.

And this is how we say goodbye.

You-- You have to smash the toaster to--?

That makes no sense at all. I don't--

Sure, it does.

It's sort of like a Viking funeral.

Well, see, when a Viking chief kicked off,

they bury the ship with him, you know.

That way, it was always special, you know.

No one could despoil the memory.

Okay, take this mug, for example.

It belonged to my grandmother.

I loved my nonna.

I mean, she practically raised me.

And so every time I see one of you troglodytes

put your lips on the thing, it's just...

It's like you're kissing my grandmother, you know?

Now I never have to worry about that again.

Dude, you love that mug. Well...

Call it preservation through destruction.

Hey, Mickey, Mickey, don't be that way.

You have to be part of this.

Let him go. Mick-- Mickey!

Come on, just-- He'll be okay.

Oh, yeah. Hey! He's a madman!

- He's berserk! - Hey!

What's that?

If the band's breaking up anyway...

Whoa! Shit!

Now you fucked up, Mickey.

Motherfucker!

Back! Yeah! Come on!

There! Waste!

It's gotta go too,

Gotta destroy it to save it.

Man.

You know, Dennis,

I remember when I moved in here

you hated my fucking guts.

Remember, we shotgunned all those beers

and you came downstairs

and your slippers stuck to the floor?

You guys were such idiots.

I remember giving Slosh a ride home on my scooter

and he threw up all over my back.

I'm never gonna forget this place, man.

All right.

Oh, well.

Can I have that?

Well, uh...

Yeah, man.

Hey, man.

Think they'll track us down for the damages?

Not me. I'll be in Michigan.

Listen, as you segue

into legendary status around here,

I just want you to know

that the secret of your humble beginnings

dies with me, okay?

Thank you, Dennis.

You know, for, uh, everything.

Heh, man.

So you ready to go?

You're gonna start hassling me already, woman?

Maybe not just yet.

Come here.

Where are you headed?

Uh, I'll stay with my brother for a little while, I guess.

Never gonna be the same without you.

Is that right?

All right, brother. Yeah, man.

Take care of yourself. Yeah.

We'll rebuild.

I'll give you a call. Okay.

Bye.

I stay in touch with the Rancho boys.

They're still the best friends I ever had.

It's the bitch about getting older,

you don't fling yourself into love and friendships

the way you did before you got hurt.

That's a damn shame.