Original subtitles

[♪ theme music playing]

[Gene] ♪ Presents! ♪

♪ Plop some presents in our little faces ♪

I'm too jacked up to go to sleep.

I love Christmas!

Do you think we're gonna get the Gamewhiz?

Well, the Gamewhiz is the nicest,

most expensive thing we've ever asked for.

Yeah, but that's why we all asked for it.

Three kids, one gift.

We're almost doing them a favor.

I wish we could've asked Santa instead of Mom and Dad.

I think he's in a much higher tax bracket than them.

Oh, way higher.

But we did some naughty-list stuff, so...

- Yeah. - Yeah...

All of us.

Three different detentions.

That was bad timing.

The juice is loose!

♪ Bah-dah-duh dap-pah-duh-duh-duh ♪

Ugh! Oops. Uh, hi.

Santa doesn't give expensive, handheld gaming systems

to three kids who got three detentions

three weeks before Christmas.

Yeah, but I think we made a good argument

for the Gamewhiz to Mom and Dad.

It's like holding an entire arcade in the palm of your hand!

In the palm of your hand!

There's a game you can brush your horse as long as you want.

And rob trains if that's your thing.

[Louise] Here's a list of stores that sell Gamewhiz.

[Gene] Keep up the good work, Daddy boy!

Okay, let's force ourselves to go to sleep.

We need to rest our thumbs.

Yeah, we do. Okay, little guys.

Five more minutes, then it's off to bed.

♪ And a partridge in a Game ♪

[high-pitched] ♪ Whiz! ♪

[Louise] Open it! Come on, open it!

That was the last present. We didn't get it.

We didn't get it.

We didn't ding-dang damn get it.

Oh, they look not happy.

It's like all the light left their eyes.

They're looking. Pretend they didn't disappoint us in every way. Smile.

♪ Smiling ♪

♪ Family ♪

Oh! We got chocolate! Almost forgot.

Hey, never too early for chocolate, right?

I know that's true.

Aah, aah! Dark chocolate?

Blah! Blah!

It's taking all the moisture out of my mouth!

But thank you!

Oh, Sorry. I-I didn't mean to buy dark chocolate.

I know kids don't like that. I just thought it was fancy.

I mean, it is fancy chocolate.

Look, there's cursive on the wrapper.

Uh, very fancy! Like in London.

Hey, why don't you kids play with the fun game we got you?

For sure. Um, which one is that?

The Color-tron of course, silly.

We know it's not a Gamewhiz, but it's, um, got colors.

You like colors.

Oh, yeah, totally.

Uh, let's check it out.

Your dad and I both had it when we were kids.

Uh, separately. We weren't married when we were kids.

- Aw, but we should have been. - What?

[musical tones sounding]

- Okay, okay. Do it! Do it! - Do what?

Uh, y-you press the buttons in the same order

that they go with the color.

[chuckles] Oh, you're serious.

You want in on this?

Where's the screen?

There's no screen. Not all games have screens.

Not with that attitude.

[musical buzzing tone]

[musical tones sounding]

I feel like I'm hogging it all to myself.

So, what-what do you do?

Oh, uh, you-you press the buttons

in the same order that they, uh, um...

Yeah. Yeah, you-you try to remember the-the sequence

of the... lights.

- Oh, cool. - Yeah, it's fun.

[musical tone plays]

I'm gonna go get more coffee.

You want... you want more coffee?

- I'll come with you. - Okay.

- Yeah. - I'll take one.

- Pour some whiskey in mine. - I'd have an amaro.

Oh, my God! They're miserable.

Well, not miserable, but, yeah, dead inside.

The Color-tron stinks.

Why did we think they'd like that?

Glad we didn't get 'em the Hula-Hoop.

They knew they weren't getting the Gamewhiz.

I mean, we dropped so many hints.

Kids, I-I'm-I'm not sure this is the best year for that.

You know, we had some surprise things that, um, cost money.

Are there things you're excited about

that are not very, very expensive?

I'm sorry, but it's gonna be hard to make that happen.

I think we forgot our children don't listen to us.

Like, at all. I mean, so much stuff broke this month.

The car, the walk-in, your glasses.

All that stuff I broke when I didn't have my glasses.

I should've been a banker.

We should have both been bankers.

Bankers can afford to fix things and still buy a Gamewhiz.

Aw, you'd be miserable as a banker.

'Cause you'd be really bad at it.

Yeah, I would, but I like lollipops.

Banks do have good lollipops.

♪ Presents ♪

♪ Plop some presents into ♪

♪ Our sad little faces ♪

♪ Sad little faces ♪

[sighs] We should go do something.

- Like what? - I don't know.

This Christmas just needs a little...

kick in the chestnuts.

- [gasps] I know what we should do! - What?

We should go to Brookside Drive,

that street with the houses with all the nice Christmas lights.

People drive the street to see the lights and go "Aw,"

and they feel happy and Christmasy.

You really want to go someplace?

It's our last chance for a little Christmas magic.

All of us together, in the car.

Looking at the lights.

The kids will forget their crappy gifts and their crushed dreams.

Well, that is free, if you don't count gas.

So, yeah, let's-let's do it.

There's my cheery little cheapskate. All right!

Let's go put some tinsel on this turd.

[car engine sputters]

Oh, come on. We fixed you already!

- Why won't you start? - Tell it, Dad.

[sighs] I guess we'll have to call the mechanic tomorrow.

I hope you're happy with yourself, car.

Yeah, you're in big trouble! No gas for a week!

[Louise] Well, we almost did a thing.

Should we just call it a day and try life again tomorrow?

Hiya, Belchers! Happy holidays!

Whoa, you all look very sad.

Hey, Mort. Our car won't start.

We were gonna go to Brookside Drive to see the lights.

I'm taking my Mom out for Chinese,

but you guys can borrow my work car if you want.

Really? Wow. Thanks.

That's nice, Mort.

Or we go with you and Mother Mort

and get all up in some beef chow mein?

Eh. [laughs]

Wait. Your work car?

The one where all the dead people go?

I call not sitting with the body.

There's no body in it.

If we find one, should we throw it in there?

Yeah. Get me a good one. Take the keys.

Oops! Sorry. In my head, you caught them

and said, "Great throw, Mort."

Do you want me to get out now and--

No, it-it's all right. Thank you.

- You, uh, okay, Lin? - I-I'm good.

I'm good. Uh, so what if this car drives around dead people?

What's the big deal about dead people?

They're just sacks of skin without souls, right?

That's not scary.

I like driving this. It's like a boat. Look.

[all groaning]

[Linda] Okay, okay! No more!

I'm getting a little queasy.

[makes retching sound] No vomiting in the hearse.

Aw, lights.

Bob, I think people are staring at us.

[Tina] Maybe 'cause we're in a hearse?

[Bob] Yeah. People are really staring us.

Did someone die? On Christmas?

Hi. Sorry... about the hearse.

It's just my family in here.

Alive! They're totally alive.

They're here. I didn't kill them.

- Mer-Merry Christmas! - Well, I'll-I'll handle this.

Hey, bring us your bodies! Just throw 'em in back!

20 dollars a pop!

Maybe we walk. Who wants a walk?

- No one! - Come. We're walking.

Everyone out of the hearse.

Oh, my God, look at that house.

Look at that house!

Oh, my God, look at that house!

They used Halloween decorations

and made a Frankenstein Christmas!

Look at all those Frankensteins!

[Tina] I thought the Frankensteins were Jewish.

Maybe I've acquired a taste for you.

I feel like I've grown up a lot since then.

Ugh. Nope, nope.

Still bad. Ugh. [gasps]

Well, hello, you. Do you live around here?

What are you doing all by yourself?

I promise I'm not hitting on you. All right, I am.

Are you lost? I don't think you should be out here.

You could get hurt. Physically and emotionally.

Oh, do you want some Christmas candy?

You can have some.

Dark chocolate's not really my thing,

but maybe you like stuff that's gross.

Ooh, you do like it!

You are going to town on that chocolate.

Now will you let me pick you up

so we can get you back to where you belong?

Don't be scared. I get it-- stranger danger.

But here, have some more chocolate.

And now I just pick you up. Aah!

No! Wait! Don't run away.

I'm trying to help you, you adorable idiot!

[whimpering] Mom! Dad!

What's going on? Why are you running? Are-are you okay?

I just found a little puppy out here all by itself.

I think it's lost. I tried to pick it up,

but it was scared, so I fed it chocolate,

but then it ran off, and now it's gone!

Wait. You fed it chocolate?

The-the dark chocolate?

Yeah, he loved it. Weird, right?

Maybe he's from Belgium.

- Gene, chocolate is poisonous for dogs. - What?

And I think dark chocolate is the worst.

What? Why would chocolate be poisonous? It's chocolate!

Gene, what have you done?

You knew about this chocolate thing?

No, but now that I do know,

I would never do that. Are you insane?

We need to find that puppy right now

and help it so it doesn't die--

I... Uh, just so it-it will be okay.

Oh, my God! Oh, my God! Oh, my God! I poisoned a puppy?

On Christmas.

- I know it's Christmas! - Sorry, sorry.

- What do we do? - Oh, okay, did you see

which way he ran off? Or-or she?

It's a boy. I saw his dinky.

He was just flapping it around, not a care in the world.

And then I fed him chocolate and he ran off across the street,

and now he's gone!

All right, let's go see if we can find him. Go, go!

What do we do once we find him?

Looking it up while running. It's not easy.

Yeah, even separately, you aren't good at them.

Gene, how-how big was the puppy?

- Uh, this big? - Okay.

And how much chocolate did you give it?

- Uh... this much? - Wait.

- That's bigger than the dog! - He loved chocolate!

And he's not good at knowing his limits!

He ran that way to that corner!

[Linda] Everybody, see if you can find him.

- [Louise] Puppy? - Here, puppy.

- Here, puppy! - Hey, puppy!

- He's not here! - Bob, what's your phone saying?

Well, it looks like we're gonna have to make it throw up

in the next 30 minutes, or it could be, uh...

- [Gene] What? - [sighs]

We're gonna need a smaller hearse.

- Aah! - How do you make a puppy throw up?

- Show it a picture of Dad's back moles? - Louise.

Should we shove a finger down its throat?

Your father's finger?

Um, it says that doesn't work on dogs.

Hmm. Hydrogen peroxide.

Oh, turkey baster.

This is no time to talk about your turkey basting.

- Get your head out of your ass! - No, you fill a turkey baster

with hydrogen peroxide, put it down the puppy's throat,

squeeze, then hold their mouth shut.

- Oh. - Seems rude.

Where are we gonna get those things around here?

I... I'm not sure.

Let-Let's just find the dog first.

Here, little puppy!

I have more chocolate!

- What? - [Bob and Louise] Gene.

What? He likes it!

Oh, right! Damn it, I forgot!

Okay, he's not here.

Maybe we, um, split up?

Some of us get in the hearse

and some of us keep going on foot

to check in bushes and yards and stuff?

I call not hearse. Who's with me?

- I was gonna go in the hearse. - Same.

- Me too. - It's got a heater.

And wheels that move you around.

And just a nice energy.

You know, minus the death.

- You're coming with me. - Why me?

I can't be a lady walking by myself on Brookside on Christmas.

- They'll think I'm selling it. - Selling what?

- Christmas cheer? - Never mind.

It's been about 15 minutes since Gene poiso--

a-accidentally overserved the puppy.

We have 15 minutes to find it and make it throw up.

Uh, I'm setting a timer.

I think my phone does that.

Here, I'll do it. It'll take you 15 minutes to figure that out.

I'm old.

Okay. Call us if you find him

and we'll call you if we find him. Go!

Not a contest, but Team Hearse sucks!

Team Walking rules!

What kind of world is this where chocolate can be deadly?

What else kills dogs? Rainbows?

Ice cream? Love songs?

- Um, raisins. - What the hell? Ugh!

As if this Christmas wasn't already terr--

uh, terrific.

- Which it was. - Yep.

Great Christmas all around.

Hmm. Well, uh, do you remember, did it have a collar on?

No, just a red ribbon.

A red ribbon?

That must mean somebody got a puppy

as a present for Christmas?

I thought that was only in movies

and insurance commercials.

I didn't know that really happened.

That is so different from our life.

Because we don't have insurance? Do we have insurance?

A teeny bit.

Oh, look at that house.

Oh, look at that house!

- Oh, look at that house. - Yeah, pretty.

But, also, should we focus on the dog?

We can do both. Just 'cause we're trying to find a dying puppy

doesn't mean we can't have a nice Christmas.

True.

So, you know, if you get through all ten levels

on the Color-tron, it salutes you

with ten flashes of the last color you pressed.

- How 'bout that? - Oh.

Did you ever get all the way through?

Oh, God, no. You think I'd be here

if I could get all the way through? No.

I'd be president of NASA right now.

It's a... cool game, Mom.

- [Linda] Mm. - [brakes squeak]

- Any luck? - No. No sign of him.

We did get pretty cold though.

How's the heater in there?

Thriving. I'm actually a little too warm.

Ooh, it's starting to snow. What do we do?

I-I don't know, but we're running out of time.

This feels like a good "inside the hearse" conversation.

- Um, guys? - What, Gene?

It's the puppy!

[gasps]

[Louise] And I love him.

- I love him more than all of you. Sorry. - Same here.

- I love him. - Not as much as me.

- I also love him. Not a competition. - It is. I win. I love him more.

Guys, stop. Let's all just slowly get out of the car

and then calmly spread out and try and catch him.

Not in a scary way.

- Is this dating advice all of a sudden? - Works for both.

- [Linda] It's okay, little puppy. - [Tina] Hey, guy.

What are you doing in the street,

- you dum-dum? - Stay.

- Stay. - [Louise] I just want

to squeeze your ridiculous face.

- Crap! - Follow him!

[Gene] At least we have our eyes on the cute little bastard!

[Bob] Oh, no, I don't see him.

He went into the yard

with the most decorations in the world in it.

- [Tina] Too many? - [Linda] There's never too many.

No, this is too many.

[Bob] We have five minutes to find the puppy and make it puke.

This is like the worst game show ever!

Where is he?

[Tina] There! He's in that Christmas tree!

All right. Slowly surround the tree like it's no big deal.

Guys, I've been thinking. Who owns a puppy like this

and lets it out of their sight?

Also, this puppy was a Christmas gift.

They lost their puppy on day one.

- Louise, please focus. - I'm so focused, Dad,

I'm just saying that the owners of this puppy don't deserve it

and maybe somebody else does, and their name is me.

Okay, I'm gonna reach in and grab him.

[all shout]

Oh, I'm blind. I am blind now.

- Is he still there? - Cannot see. No idea.

[Linda] He's still there. He's close to me.

- [all shout] - Stupid blinking lights.

[coughs] Color-tron.

- Tina. - Sorry.

[Gene] He's headed your way.

[grunts] Oh, I missed him.

We know. We saw.

It was like slow motion, but it was real life.

- [sighs] Yep. Thanks, Louise. - Oh, look,

he's running into that igloo.

[Gene] That's not his habitat!

There's no way out. That's good.

- Got to love igloos. - How do we get him?

That opening's tiny.

Well, luckily, some of us are igloo-sized.

Get in there, my little penguin.

Hi. I'm Louise.

I'm your soulmate and I'm here to save you.

What are they doing?

- I don't know. - Hello.

Uh, there's a puppy in that igloo.

My son gave him chocolate, but he didn't know that was bad, so...

- Did you know? - Nice lights, huh?

- It's a little much. - Got to love igloos.

Merry Christmas.

Oh, you are soft. You are very soft.

I want to make a sweater out of you.

- Um... - Hello?

Hi, uh, we're in your yard, and you probably

really didn't think I was about to ask you this but

do you have a turkey baster and a bottle

of hydrogen peroxide we could borrow,

like, a-as soon as possible?

Uh, I-I think we do.

- We have two minutes. - [shouts]

Yeah, there's a puppy in your igloo

that we gave chocolate to and we need to make him throw up.

Stop telling everybody!

It was a really cute puppy.

Not that you should only save cute puppies.

But it makes you try harder.

We'll go inside and get those things.

I guess I hope there really is a sick puppy in there.

- Why would we lie? - Thank you. And hurry.

Eh, but don't fall.

We are bonded forever.

We are closer than any two creatures can be.

Okay, let's go make you throw up.

Damn it, I forgot how cute he was.

Hang in there, little buddy.

We're waiting for the nice lady

to come back with some very specific items.

- That was fast. - We'd like to get you out of the yard

as quickly as possible.

- Here you go. - Thanks.

- Dad, hurry. - All right, I-I...

I'm just gonna, uh, pretend like I am basting a turkey.

And baste.

[gulps]

Oh, no. Did we just double-poison him?

- Why isn't it working? - [stomach grumbles]

Louise, I think you might want to put him on the ground.

- Oh, my God. - [puppy retching]

That is so much chocolate.

I know. He loved it, okay?

And some tinsel?

Oh, great. Now that's there.

Good boy. You feel better now?

- I want some of that. - I'm coming in.

[retches] Kids, that puppy just puked.

You mean our puppy just puked.

Ooh, I like the sound of that.

Should we talk names? Ralph? Right?

Kids, we cannot keep this dog. It's not ours.

But it's Christmas.

And Mom always talks about Christmas magic.

Maybe Christmas magic brought us this puppy?

- Oh, honey. - Oh, that's sweet.

Do we have a plan for picking this up?

Oh, uh, we will do that.

Can we borrow something to clean it up?

We-we don't have anything.

Never mind. I'll just cover it with a reindeer.

We're really sorry that we couldn't give you the Christmas that you wanted.

And I'm sorry that I'm not a banker.

- Excuse me? - Oh, here we go again.

But we can have the Christmas we wanted.

With the dog. The owner's not even looking for it.

[man] Is that our puppy?

- Did you find our puppy? - No!

Oh, you found him.

It's really him. Thank you, thank you, thank you.

Oh, oh-- ah, he's going back into the igloo.

- What? - Louise.

Guess I got to go back in and get him again.

Could take a while. Hold my calls.

What if it's your business manager?

[Louise] Well, put him through!

Louise, uh, I'm sorry, but you,

you really have to come out with the puppy.

His, uh, person is here to take him home.

Counterpoint: she stays in the igloo

until this guy takes off and we keep the puppy?

Or we all move into the igloo?

- Uh, no. - Wait, is she really not coming out?

[Louise] Just a second, I am securing the puppy.

Oh, gosh, you know, now that I take a good look at it,

this puppy's hideous.

Are you sure you want it?

I mean, there's probably better ones.

I'm sorry, my kids got a little attached to the puppy.

Hey, I understand. He was a gift for my daughter.

She's four. I don't know how he got out.

We didn't even know he was gone.

And when we realized, she just started crying.

[Linda] Aw, your poor little girl.

[man] Yeah, bedtime was tough.

But if she wakes up and her puppy is there,

well, it'll be like Christmas all over again.

[sighs] I got him out.

Here.

Wait. [kisses]

Here. Wait. [kisses]

Okay. Wait.

- Nose to nose. - Uh, Louise?

Fine.

Here. Here. Here.

Here! Just take him!

What's, uh, what's his name?

Lil' Bark Bark. Uh, my daughter named him.

I have notes. It's fine for now.

[kids] Bye, Lil' Bark Bark.

- Yeah, I don't like it. - Thanks again, so much.

And Merry Christmas.

Merry Christmas.

Should we scoop up some of his throw up

as a way to remember him?

- That'd be great. - Okay.

- Tina, sweetie, no. - Hey, sorry, I should...

Let me give you guys something.

- Oh. Whoa. - [all gasp]

- Holy sugar cookies. - Oh, no.

Uh, we-we can't take money from you.

Please. You saved our Christmas.

I mean, my son gave your dog chocolate

and then we had to find him and make him throw up.

Your dog. Not my son.

So, yeah, y-your dog threw up over there

and right over there.

H-He threw up a lot.

Okay, well, you've had an interesting night.

- Yes, we have. - You got my little girl's dog back.

And you saved him from the poison

that you gave him, so you're heroes.

- Please, take it. - [sighs] It feels weird.

Nope, nope. Not weird. Good.

I actually won that at the office Christmas party.

I guessed how many lollipops were in the jar.

- I work at a bank. - Oh, my God.

And this is what I want to do.

Hey, life is short.

Did you know there's a hearse around the corner?

I just passed it. Really made me think.

Oh, yeah, I saw it, too. We didn't drive it here.

Well, I'm gonna walk away now. Thanks again.

Merry Christmas.

So, what should we do with it? Don't say "pay bills."

[speaking inaudibly]

There's your Christmas magic.

[sighs] I can't tell if it's magic or if it was just money.

No, it's not money. There was crazy cosmic

Christmas stuff going on all over last night.

We stepped right in it, in a good way,

with the lights and the hearse and the chocolate

and the banker, and now our kids are smiling.

That's Christmas magic.

I'm gonna give chocolate to every puppy I see.

- We're gonna be rich. - Gene.

Just let us poison enough puppies to get

more money to buy more games for this thing.

They're expensive.

[Bob] No more poisoning puppies.

- [Tina] Just on Christmas? - [Bob] Fine, just on Christmas.

[Linda] Aw.

[♪ upbeat Christmas music playing]