Original subtitles

[♪ theme music playing]

The first thing I'm gonna do

- with these pancakes is eat them. - There she is.

Are you excited, Tina? Are you pumped?

- Should I be? - Yes, you should be!

The Cheese Royale starts today.

Oh, that. Yeah. So pumped.

Oh, yeah, your Royal Cheese thing.

Right. What... What is it again?

The Cheese Royale is a game where eighth-graders form teams

and then fling slices of American cheese at each other.

And if you get hit with cheese, you're out.

And you can cheese people anywhere

- except school or inside their house. - Uh, okay.

It's just some dumb eighth-grade tradition.

Some dumb eighth-grade tradition?

The Cheese Royale is the only reason I plan to go to eighth grade.

There's an eighth one now?

Ooh, it does sound fun. Is there a prize?

Yeah, pride, honor,

knowing you're the best of the best.

Plus, also money. Lots of money. Twenties of dollars.

And Matthew Ross's brother works at Pizza Guys,

and they send free pizzas to the winners

when his boss isn't around.

I'm surprised the school is okay with all this.

Officially, the school is aware of it,

but they have no comment.

That was their reaction to my petition for Mariachi Mondays.

It kinda just sounds like there's gonna be a lot

of cheese slices on the ground everywhere.

Yeah, Dad. That's what war is like.

So, what's going on, Tina? You're not excited about this?

Not really. I mean, I'm doing it 'cause everybody does it.

But I tried flinging cheese and I was not great at it.

I just don't have what it takes to throw cheese at people.

Aw. No, honey. Sure you do.

Tina, it's fine.

The Cheese Royale is 10% cheese throwing

and 90% strategy.

Come on, get your game face on.

Everyone picks their teams today at lunch, right?

Who are we thinking? Who are we talking about?

I mean, I was gonna group up with Sushmita?

She doesn't seem like the Cheese Royale type either.

We'll just get through it and have a couple laughs

- along the way. - Hmm.

Ooh, like my circumcision.

[all chattering indistinctly]

Hey, Sushmita, want to team up for Cheese Royale?

Half-ass it and just enjoy each other's company?

Oh. Uh, I already grouped up with a team.

You did? But I thought we were gonna be teammates.

Tina, you literally told me not to pick you for a teammate.

What are you talking about?

Ugh. I'm so bad at throwing cheese.

News flash. Do not pick me as a teammate.

Okay, got it.

I thought you meant "Okay, got it," like

"Okay, I got your news flash."

I got both of them.

Uh, I thought we were gonna bond

over complaining about this game.

But you're telling me you're into it?

- So into it. - Well, I hope you're very happy

with your team of people that all care

- about this dumb, stupid cheese thing. - I am.

Well, I'm gonna find another team right now.

Jimmy Jr, can I be on your team?

Uh, we do still have one spot open, so I guess,

but didn't you just call this a dumb, stupid cheese thing?

No. I was talking about a dumb, stupid grilled cheese

I had the other day.

Okay, uh, I guess, then, you're on the team.

[whispering] We're meeting at Michael Carlish's house today

after school to talk strategy and practice throwing cheese.

Cool. I will-will be there.

Can't wait.

But we need to wrap up, like, 4:15

'cause I have a dentist appointment.

- It's just a checkup. - Got it.

[Louise] Dang it, Tina's with her team

in a secret location strategizing right now.

I've never wanted to switch bodies

with a pubey teen girl more in my life.

She's in a secret location? Is she at a rave?

- To-go order is up. - Shh.

- What? - I'm eavesdropping.

- Oh, no. - Yeah, fighting couple, table four.

Well, then, you know what? I think we should just break up.

- [Linda gasps] - [man] Is this because of Julie?

- [woman] Julie? - Hmm. Julie.

I'm moving in to hear more.

No. No, Lin, you're gonna blow it.

- What are you talking about? - Sorry.

It's just, you're not doing a very sneaky job

- of eavesdropping. - What?

I'm fine. I'm a pro.

It's out... it's outrageous. That's what it is.

It's ov... You've... You've crossed a line here.

What do you say we talk about this somewhere else?

- For sure. - Bye.

Thanks for coming.

- [door opens, bell jingles] - Lin, see?

- [door closes] - What? That wasn't 'cause of me.

They left 'cause they wanted to talk

about Julie outside in the sun.

- Uh-huh. - I'm a good eavesdropper.

I mean, I love you, but--

- What? - You're not.

- Yeah. - It's true.

- No. - Yup.

- Yeah. - Very true.

But you're good at dropping other things.

Names, hints, eggs.

Just now, you were doing a bunch of things

that were all bustable.

Bustable? What was I doing that was bustable?

- Name one thing. - You were making a ton of eye contact.

I wouldn't say a ton.

You wiped a hole in the counter.

At one point, the towel wasn't even on the counter.

You were just kind of wiping air.

- No. - Lin, you made active listening sounds.

You stared right at them and went, "Hmm. Julie."

- Did I? - You did.

- Mm-hmm. - Damn it.

But eavesdropping's my favorite thing.

What's the point of having a restaurant if you can't eavesdrop?

Look, maybe we can help you... I think.

We can teach you how to be not so bad at it?

[sighs] Okay, fine.

And then we'll teach you how to flirt with the cook for free fries.

- Mmm. - [Bob] Mmm.

So we do a motion offense-defense combo

with three attackers and two floaters.

- Love it. - Yeah, that makes sense.

- What do you think, Tina? - Sorry.

Was that about the game?

I thought maybe you guys were talking

about a movie you all saw.

Should we do some target practice?

I brought practice cheese. It's expired.

My dad was all like, "Go nuts with it."

Great. I'm... gonna go pee.

All right, everyone aim for the chair.

Michael, can we cheese your handsome Adirondack?

- Yeah, I think it's cheese-proof. - [grunts] Come on.

- I feel good about that one. All right. - [grunts]

[Zeke] Jimmy Jr.!

Good God, I felt the wind coming off that one!

- Wow! - [grunts]

- [laughs] Nice tossing, Tex. - [grunts]

[Zeke] Whoa! Killer Kelly!

Coming from downtown!

[laughs] The other teams won't know what hit 'em.

- What the... - Dude, what?

- Argh! - [grunts]

Oh, man, no! Not J-Ju, too!

So that bathroom was ocupado. I can go later.

What... happened here?

[grunts] I don't understand.

- I just... I just don't understand. - It was so quick.

- We all got cheesed. - Wait. Really?

Someone cheesed all of us from over the fence.

Not all of us.

- Take cover, T-dog! - Ahhh!

- Where are they? - Maybe they're gone.

Tina, they didn't get you.

You're the last one alive on our team.

- You're our only hope. - Cool. Cool, cool.

I love the pressure. Perfect. Yes, please.

[Jimmy Jr.] There we were, a well-oiled, dominant team,

plus Tina, talking winning strategy

at our secret location.

When out of nowhere, it was like, thwap, thwap, thwap-thwap!

We didn't even see who did it! Four of us cheesed by a ghost!

So impressive.

And now it's all on Tina.

The hopes and dreams of our entire team.

- Yup. - All right, she's got it. She's got it.

- [laughs] Probably. - Uh... maybe.

- Um... - Tina, are you okay?

Sorry for your... loss?

No, yeah. I love that this happened.

It was smart of the cheeser to cheese us first.

I mean, Zeke and I were some of the top threats in the game.

I can't believe these beefy mitts will never get to work their magic.

This cheeser must be a jock.

Probably someone who plays basketball or baseball.

- Maybe Aiden Strider. - Oh, yeah.

Aiden's cute.

- Could be Brady Griffin. - Brady's cute.

T-dog, you got this? 'Cause your face kind of

looks like you might not. You all right?

I don't... know.

Uh, that's the spirit?

- Um, Tina, can I have a word with you? - Sure?

- Ow. - Tina, listen to yourself.

"I don't know." You're the last one alive on your team!

This is what we trained for.

- If we had trained. - You should have trained.

- Uh-huh. - Get... in... the... game.

- Now who's my cheese warrior? - Mmm, me?

- So intimidating. - Ugh!

Okay. A big part of successful eavesdropping

is looking like you're believably busy.

And I don't mean, like, wiping the counter.

Wiping the counter is a big giveaway that you're listening.

- Total giveaway. - Putting away clean cups.

That's real, that's believable.

Also, these need to be put away, so we should do that.

Yeah, okay.

Another big part of eavesdropping, Lin,

a blank expression. Look at me.

Oh, yeah. Look at those dead eyes.

- Soulless. - I don't... I don't know about soulless.

He looks like a sad corpse, right?

Let me try it. How's this?

[Teddy] Still pretty lively. You have a lot of natural gusto.

Bob doesn't have to overcome that.

Hmm. Uh, how about a little drill?

Lin, y-you stand over there and put away the cups,

and then we're gonna have a really intriguing conversation,

and you will try to eavesdrop on us without,

you know, doing the stuff you normally do.

- Hmm. - So, I'm, uh...

I'm embezzling money from the company.

What? Are you serious right now, Bob?

- [Linda] Hmm. - Lin, you just "hmm-ed."

Oh, shush. No, I didn't.

That was about something else.

It's an interesting cup I was putting away.

- Keep going. I got this. - Okay.

How does embezzling work, Bob? I've never understood it.

Like, which one's embezzling and which one's bedazzling?

Linda, y-you can't move closer.

Oh, yeah. What you got to do is figure out

the maximum distance you can be from the conversation

and then stay in that zone.

Right, right. Okay, you keep talking.

And what's racketeering? Is that like pickleball?

- Oh, speak up. - Can't say that.

- Number one rule, really. - Yeah.

Look, I've done some thinking, a little strategizing.

And I actually think there's a way

you can win this thing maybe.

Here's the plan. For the first few days,

you lay low, let these other bozos cheese each other.

Uh, okay. Lay low. I could do that.

Um, l-like how?

Well, school is a safe zone, so you could just stick around

after school and go to an after-school activity.

Go to... Chess Club.

But I'm not in Chess Club.

Are you saying "chest club"? I should join.

Exhibit A and B.

Gene, shush. And you'll stay after school

for 45 to 65 minutes.

And when you leave school,

switch up your appearance a little.

Grab a hat from lost and found.

[Gene] Check for lice! No, don't. Keep it interesting.

[Louise] You'll leave out of a different exit each day.

Then, under no circumstances do you go home.

Cheesers are gonna be expecting you anywhere along the route

from school to our apartment, so you go somewhere else.

You don't run, but you move quickly.

Today it's gonna be the hair salon where Gretchen works.

Stay at the salon. Read some magazines.

[Gene] You know, a blowout wouldn't kill you.

[Louise] Then, at 6:00, when the cheesing hours are over,

you head home and live to fight another day.

Then you get to do it all over again tomorrow.

[Tina] Got it. I think. I hope.

Um, can you say it two more times?

Never mind, I got it. I-I got it... sort of.

♪ Oh, please say cheese ♪

♪ 'Cause I got you ♪

♪ And I got you and I got you, too ♪

- ♪ Cheese ♪ - ♪ Oh, please ♪

- ♪ Pretty please ♪ - ♪ Say cheese ♪

- ♪ Pretty cheese ♪ - ♪ 'Cause I got you ♪

♪ And I got you and I got you, too ♪

- ♪ Cheese ♪ - ♪ Oh, please say cheese ♪

[Zeke] Whoa! The Big Cheese took out some heavy hitters!

Aiden got Big Cheesed. Ronald got Big Cheesed.

Katie, Josh, both got Big Cheesed.

And we still don't know who it is.

I mean, they've never been seen.

Striking from the shadows like an angel of death.

It's unprecedented. Oh, but, uh, also,

uh, you got this, Tina. You can totally stay alive.

Yeah. Are you getting enough sleep, Tina? Enough protein?

Here, eat this. It's a chicken nugget.

- Oh. Thanks. - Stay strong!

- You're our only hope! - The Big Cheese.

The Big Cheese. Changing the whole game.

They don't celebrate, they don't get into fling-offs.

They're above all that.

They're a technician. They're a visionary.

Is this supposed to be a pep talk for me?

Oh. Yeah, but, uh, you can totally beat them.

- Oh, good. - So who is the Big Cheese?

Could be Will. He's athletic.

Yeah, look how he chews.

- Effortless. - Could be Chelsea.

I mean, this is so Chelsea.

She'd probably throw cheese at people

even if this game wasn't happening.

But you also got to wonder about sneaky Henry Haber.

Or Jocelyn? Nah.

Tammy? She's an evil mastermind.

Well, she's evil at least. Sam?

Eh, nervous, clumsy, but...

I've seen him throw a Frisbee. Not terrible. So, maybe?

What about Sushmita?

[Tina] She is kinda someone no one would suspect.

Brainiac on the worksheets, master cheeser on the streets?

And she does really want to win this dumb game that has,

let's face it, torn our friendship apart.

I mean, I kinda wouldn't mind winning

just to shove it in Sushmita's face.

Like so much cheese.

Maybe I can win with this thing with a hiding strategy.

I'm getting pretty good at it.

I had some fun banter with the lady at the vitamin store.

- Oh, no. No more hiding. - What?

But hiding's great. I like hiding.

No, no. It's time. Time to shift strategy.

Look, when you're playing dodgeball,

it's smart to hide in the back for a while.

But no one wins dodgeball by only hiding.

You got to knock people out. There aren't many kids

left in the game. It's time to activate...

cheese mode.

- Ooh. - Cheese mode? What's cheese mode?

It means you're on the attack now.

You seek out targets, and when you find a target,

you figure out a way to put cheese on it.

And you go search and destroy, you go scary beast.

I don't think I can go scary beast.

What about scary yeast?

I'm not a good cheese thrower.

Tina, trust me, you're thinking too much.

Take your brain and push it towards your butt.

Okay, uh-huh...

I was gonna do that after lunch.

You're gonna use the old Circle Back Attack.

You get someone to follow you, then flip the script.

- Ahhh! - Ahhh!

[grunts]

- Damn it. Hold on. - [grunts]

- [both straining] - Unpeel!

Hold on, don't go anywhere.

Ahhh!

What? No!

Yes. Circle Back Attack. Scary beast.

Don't you dare call me a scary beast.

No, I'm the scary beast.

You're just a cheeseball who got cheesed in the face. So eat it.

I mean, don't literally eat it, it's on the ground.

But you know what I mean.

[Tina] I can't believe I cheesed Tammy. In her face!

I mean, literally in her face, 'cause I hit her in her face.

Yeah, Tina, it's one person.

I like the spirit, but stay focused.

We got a lot more work to do.

And you were so worried about throwing your cheese.

I'm proud of you, I-I think.

- Thanks, guys. - So, Tina, this is a list

of everyone who's still in the game,

aka your targets.

- You gonna cheese 'em? - Hell yeah, I'm gonna cheese 'em!

Could someone pass me a roll?

- [Tina grunts] - Oh!

- Whoa. - Hoo-boy!

Sorry, sorry. I'll take it down a notch.

♪ Cheese mode ♪

♪ Ch-Ch-Cheese mode ♪

♪ Ch-Ch-Cheese mode cheese mode, cheese mode ♪

♪ Ch-Ch-Ch-Ch-Cheese mode ♪

♪ Ch-ch-ch-ch chee-chee-chee chee ch-ch-chee-cheese mode! ♪

Okay, so the only people left are you, Sushmita, Sam,

Henry, Chelsea and Will?

The Big Cheese has got to be Chelsea or Will, right?

The girl who sharpens her fingernails or the guy

who can kick a kickball all the way to the swings?

- Psst. - Oh, uh, I don't think you needed

to say "psst" in that situation.

- But okay. - Open it.

[Henry] All remaining players meet at the abandoned dog food factory

today at 4:30, and the Big Cheese will be revealed.

P.S. It's not me. Henry.

Huh. That sounds weird. And like a trap.

Oh, definitely weird and a trap.

But if you play this right, you could cheese

everyone there and win the whole stinking game today.

- Or I get cheesed. - Or you get cheesed.

I think that's exactly what they said to each other

before they stormed the beaches of Normandy.

She's probably at the abandoned dog food factory by now.

Oh, boy, I hope she brought enough cheese slices.

I hope she brings some home. I miss what cheese used to be.

Guys, that's the breakup couple, right?

[gasps] It is.

[Louise] It's definitely the breakup couple.

[Gene] It's a double-burger breakup.

[Teddy] Are they coming back in?

Why would they come ba... Hi, welcome to Bob's Burgers.

Can we get some menus over here for these guys?

- Uh, hi? - [Henry] Uh, welcome.

Go ahead and take cover if you want.

Uh, what do we, uh...

[Henry] Okay, uh, I just realized it's really hard

to start a secret meeting if you can't see who's here.

- So, is everybody here? - Yeah.

- Yes. - Yep.

- Present. - Anyway, uh,

this is everyone left in the game.

One of you is the Big Cheese,

and I know who it is,

and her name rhymes with Rusrita.

Okay, that's a start.

Wait, what?

Guys, I'm not the Big Cheese.

No, no, no, it's definitely her.

O-One time during the three weeks and two days

that we dated, I saw her flick an index card into the trash

from halfway across the room with perfect accuracy.

Also, we played badminton once, and she was a monster.

Wait, so whether it's her or not,

why did you bring us all here?

What's the plan?

I have that same question as well.

Everyone's familiar with the Battle of Red Cliffs

in second-century China, right?

- [Chelsea] No. - [Tina] Huh?

Well, surely, you're familiar

with the game theory concept

-"targeted coalition"? - [all] No.

Look, the only way for any of us mere mortals to have a chance

at winning is to take out the Big Cheese first.

Otherwise she takes us all out,

and our chances go down to zero.

[Sushmita] Again, I'm not the Big Cheese!

People, Henry obviously got everyone here

in one place so he could cheese everyone.

Maybe 'cause, oh, I don't know, he's the Big Cheese?

Flattered. The mental part, capable. Sure.

The physical part, not so much.

So, what we're saying is,

now we're all here in this abandoned dog food factory

with the Big Cheese, but we don't know who it is.

It's Sushmita!

- It's Henry! - Argh! I got cheesed.

[Tina] Oh, man. Hey, you didn't by any chance

happen to see who threw it, did you? Probably not.

You would have mentioned it, I'm guessing,

so, yeah, forget it.

[Tina] So, Will, about who cheesed you,

anything? Anything you saw at all?

Direction it came from? Sounds? Grunts?

No. It happened so fast.

I-I didn't see anything, I didn't even hear anything.

Oh, just curious, were you the Big Cheese?

Thanks for the compliment, but no,

- I'm not the Big Cheese. - [person panting]

[Chelsea] Who's panting? 'Cause it's grossing me out.

Sorry, yeah, that's me. This is, uh...

This is all... I'm anxious,

so it's giving me, like, a tiny panic attack,

but it's really no big deal.

Uh, please carry on. It is all gravy, baby.

Sorry I said that.

You know, it's very possible that it's Chelsea.

She gets in trouble a lot. She's a risk-taker.

A thrill-seeker. She pierced her nose with a thumbtack.

Yeah, that has nothing to do with throwing cheese from hidden places.

Just saying, that logic is flawed.

And it wasn't a thumbtack. It was a paper clip.

- [Henry] Ow. - What about Tina?

Maybe she cheesed her whole team to throw us all off.

I kinda love that. I wish I did that.

Uh, I'm 99% sure I'm not the Big Cheese.

So, yeah.

Oops, I dropped my gum. Sushmita, you like gum.

You-you can go ahead and take that if you want.

- It's got extra flavor crystals. - I'm good, thank you.

Aah! Aw, dang it, I'm out!

Frig. You got me.

[Sam] Wow. Nice shot.

[Chelsea] Okay, I just want to tell everyone, I was the Big Cheese.

- [Tina] Really? - [Chelsea] No. Maybe.

- No, not me. - Was it you, Henry?

No. Like I said in my note.

You know, I ran so many simulations of the way

this would go down, and none of them were this unsatisfactory.

Gum with flavor crystals?

- Yeah, I'll take that. - Oh...

[Tina] I would also like gum, eventually. Just saying.

Nothing. I got nothing.

I think they're speaking French.

Or very quiet English.

It can't be done.

- Impossible. - They're good.

They're very good.

I guess we should give them their privacy.

Don't you say that.

Don't even think it. I'm going in.

- No, no, no. - No, don't do it.

I can do this. I'm ready.

They didn't stop talking. That's good.

She's found her maximum distance.

She's got the dead eyes, she's got 'em.

And a dead leg somehow?

- [Tina] Sam? - [Sam] Yeah?

- [Tina] Sushmita? - [Sushmita] Yeah?

Hi, um,

I guess we're the last ones left?

- I guess. - Geez, Tina.

I would have teamed up with you

if I'd known you were gonna make it this far.

Look at you. You're pretty good at this.

Thanks. I kinda surprised myself.

I guess I didn't think I was gonna be any good

and then I think that kind of made me not good?

Also, just to say it, you don't have to be good

at something to have fun.

Yeah, no, I see that. I-I like it now.

But I still have to cheese you to win,

and I'm gonna, right now.

Unless I cheese you first.

[grunts]

Close, but no cheddar.

Okay, have a little less fun.

- [grunts] - Oof. Dang it.

Good throw, Tina. Good throw.

- Thanks, Sushmita. - Tina, are you the Big Cheese?

- No. - Well, I'm not.

And if you're not, then...

Uh, yup. Yeah. The-the... You got it.

It's me. Hi. Hi.

[Tina] Sam? But-but you seemed so nervous about everything.

Oh, yeah, I was. Uh, still am.

But I'm also, you know, really good at this.

So, you can be nervous and stealthy, it turns out.

It helps, actually. Sometimes.

Oh, yeah. Oh, my God, I...

I can't possibly beat you. [groaning]

Damn it, Tina, what did we just talk about?

Can't help it. Confidence gone.

Fun gone. Scared mode. [groaning]

I gotta hide, gotta hide, gotta hide.

- [gasping] - Whoa.

[grunts] Huh?

[grunts]

- Whoo! You did it, Tina. - Wow.

Oh, the hat on the thing.

Yeah. I wanted you to think I was hiding,

but I was actually hunting.

I totally thought you were hiding.

Well played, Tina. Well played.

Well, if I was gonna lose to someone,

- I'm glad it was you. - Thanks.

And if I had to win,

I'm glad it was me that won.

[Linda] And it just so happens,

Julie was the reason they broke up.

But Julie is the guy's sister.

Turns out, she got into med school and she's being real braggy about it.

Anyway, they're getting back together.

And your mother got all of this without giving

herself away by loudly making noises.

It-it was a triumph.

You should have seen her not look.

Great job, Mom. Louise,

you're just kinda staring at the side of my head.

What can I say? I'm starstruck.

I mean, you won the Cheese Royale.

You did, we did. I did. Through you.

So, what else do you think you're bad at?

Do you think you're bad at robbing banks?

- Probably. - I'll get on it.

- [Bob and Linda] No. - [Louise] Yes.

- [Bob] No. - [Louise] Go scary beast on them.

- [Tina] Ahhh! - [Bob and Linda gasp]

[Tina] Sorry, sorry. Wow, you totally thought

I was gonna throw food at you.

- [Bob] We did. Ahhh! - [Linda] Ahhh!

[Tina] I'm gonna do this every dinner.

♪ I came to cheese ♪

♪ Bring ya to your knees ♪

♪ Have you beggin' please Oh, no, oh, geez ♪

♪ When you feel unease smell that stinky breeze ♪

♪ You better believe you're gonna taste my cheese ♪

♪ I'm not a mirage My slices sabotage ♪

♪ Prepare to be barraged with my fromage ♪

♪ You better watch out You better beware ♪

♪ You're gonna feel my dairy in your derriere ♪

♪ 'Cause I came to cheese Bring ya to your knees ♪

♪ Have you beggin' please ♪

♪ Oh, no, oh, geez ♪