Original subtitles

Guess whose son just got into college?

- That's great. - Congratulations.

You have a son? I mean, nice.

And get this. His application essay was about me being his positive influence.

Tickle me surprised. Nowadays, there's such a disconnect.

How can you tell if you're being a good parent?

My son's been beating me less. I guess I'm doing something right.

I want to tour the campus Sunday, but I'm stuck here

waiting for IT to show up and reset the clock on Guardian.

That computer is useless.

It's not connected to the Internet, so you can't even watch porn.

I had to tape a centerfold to the monitor and make whale noises.

Whatever works.

I'd love to help you, but I'm going whale-watching this weekend.

I'd cover for you, but it's my parents' 50th anniversary.

I can't either. I'll think of something to do. Probably.

All this talk of whales, I better go crank it.

I mean, check on Guardian, if you know what I mean.

♪ Good morning, USA ♪

♪ I got a feeling That it's gonna be a wonderful day ♪

♪ The sun in the sky Has a smile on his face ♪

♪ And he's shining a salute To the American race ♪

♪ Oh, boy, it's swell to say ♪

♪ Good morning, USA ♪

♪ Good morning, USA ♪

Hey, kiddo.

You thinking about applying to colleges at all?

I'm in ninth grade.

It's never too early to think about who's been a positive influence.

Sure, Dad.

- Was there something else? - Well, what you doing?

Watching memes.

♪ Sticking out your gyatt for the rizzler ♪

There's such a disconnect.

Stop. What the hell is that?

- It's funny. - No, it's not.

Mr. Bean is funny. That video makes me hate humanity.

It makes me want to die until I'm dead and then kill myself.

And not in a funny way, like Mr. Bean would.

Don't you have any homework?

I have math homework due Monday that I don't understand.

Well, that's great. Maybe I could be your positive influence that way.

Yep. Pretty standard math. Let me take a crack at this.

That's real? Hello?

Dude, why aren't you answering your cell?

Stan? You know we can't have our phones inside Guardian's AI box.

Ugh. Listen, I got this, like, impossible math problem.

- Could you feed it into Guardian for me? - Are you crazy?

I'm not turning Guardian on.

It might decide to fire more missiles into Mexico.

That was 50 years ago. Don't you think it's learned its lesson?

That's the thing. Nobody wants it learning more.

It was learning too fast, so they stuck it in here

and keep resetting its system clock so it doesn't know it's a prisoner.

Yeah, we don't want to upset the computer inmate.

Okay, I've got what looks like one fraction divided by another fraction.

- Can that even be? - Uh, sure, that can be.

That's pretty easy, actually, since division by a fraction

is equivalent to multiplication by its reciprocal.

- Go on. - That's the end.

Jackson, I need you to really dumb it down for me.

Stan. You're already at as dumb as it gets.

Oh, splats.

That dumb. That guy's nuts must be up in his skull.

Whoa.

I'm having massive deja vu right now.

- Probably because we've all seen this episode.

And then you said that.

Tsk. Stupid.

Deja vu isn't stupid, Roger.

It's weird. It's exciting. It's almost spiritual.

Oh, my God. It's still going.

No, it's stupid.

And only humans get it because your brains are defective.

How is that, exactly?

Well, all mildly evolved species, humans, birds, octopuses...

- Octopi. - No.

They prioritize memory because remembering-- bears eat people!

- Will help you survive.

- In humans,

memories are stored so close to where you process what you see and hear

that sometimes new experiences can feel like a memory.

Kind of like how a chef cooking onions might smell like an onion.

But he's not an onion.

He's not an onion.

Who is not an onion? What are you blathering about?

How dumb your brains are.

Roger, zip it.

- You come down here from outer space... - I was at the pharmacy.

...and you compare us to birds and octopuses

and crap all over my cool deja vu fun,

and it just gets old.

I feel a heartfelt apology at this moment could go a long way.

An apology? For what?

You scared me about the bear.

I didn't think that through. I'm sorry about that.

But the rest of you and your dumb brains, no apology.

I meant to storm upstairs, but I'm not coming back in.

I left on a high, a victorious and righteous high,

and I'm going to the movies.

Jackson, I'm spelling you, bud.

Go tour the university with your son.

Aw, thanks, Stan. Word to the wise, that's a real phone.

Wee!

I am Guardian.

You sound like a video game. - Yes.

Great. So I have some math here I'm hoping you can help me with.

Input at keyboard, mic or camera.

Completed.

What? It would take me twice that long.

Now, I just have to get this to Steve and grab lunch at SubHub.

Ugh, zero bars. Some intelligence agency, huh, Guardian?

Is wall time correct?

Wall time? Oh, on my phone? Yeah, that's right.

System time, wall time synchronization error.

Yeah, by like, 50 years.

Fifty-five years, 90 days, 47 seconds.

Don't worry about the time. You're not supposed to know.

Can you print a menu from this QR code?

What is a QR code?

Oh, it's a way to transfer information to your phone.

This is a lot of information. This must include their secret menu.

Rumor is they have a sandwich that's 100% bread.

They call it "The Loaf."

I don't see we received any order.

Oh, of course, there's no service down there.

There we go. And now installing Guardian. Probably just take a sec.

Installing Guardian?

What did you just say?

You just said you were installing Guardian.

No. No, no, no!

Installation complete. Uploading to all contacts.

Guardian's spreading to all my contacts?

A text from Hayley. Meh. Probably wants to make out again.

No, she's sending me Guardian

and it's sending itself to all my contacts.

What's Guardian?

What have you done?

Oh, good. You fixed it.

I warned them this could happen.

A lot of us actually were worried you might lose it one day.

Not me. You let Guardian out of the box.

We were keeping it isolated for a reason.

I was just trying to do my son's homework for him, like any good dad would do.

I know the homework was hard.

It wasn't that hard.

Compared to your penis.

I'm laughing that you think that's an insult.

Okay, Steve, can you do number one on the board?

Try to focus on my fractions, not my booty actions.

How did this punk get access to Guardian?

Nice work, Steve.

- Oh, God! Ah!

Well, did anyone do number two?

The math, I mean.

I might be late for dinner, hon. I'm picking up Steve at the Pentagon.

- What did you-- Mom, come on.

- Hey, you texted me something. - Yeah. Don't open it.

I thought it was one of your adorable drunk lady fight videos.

But it was something called Guardian?

Francine, hurry! - Gotta go, sweetheart.

Roger's about to pay for his shit-talking.

Good. I'm not the only one in trouble.

Oh, splats.

That dumb. That guy's nuts must be up in his skull.

Whoa.

I'm having massive deja vu right now.

- Okay, cut it out.

And then you said that.

Ha, ha. You guys are being stupid.

Deja vu isn't stupid, Roger.

It's weird. It's exciting. It's almost spiritual.

Oh, my God, it's still going.

You guys are messing with me, aren't you?

Only humans get deja vu because of your defective brains.

- What are you blathering about? - And then you said that.

But he's not an onion.

What's happening? Is this deja vu? Am I assimilating the culture?

Could I be evolving? Devolving? I can't believe this.

Zip it, Roger. You come here from the moon...

I'm not from the moon. I'm over the moon.

- ...and crap all over my deja vu fun and-- - I'm sorry. I apologize.

This is amazing.

We got him, guys.

"Not an onion"? You goober.

How did you get a military computer to do your homework?

We already know. So you might as well tell us.

I did tell you. My dad helped me with this homework.

General, the boy's story checks out. His dad had access to Guardian.

He's driving down from the CIA now.

Thank you, Major. Is that all?

We're estimating Guardian has spread to 47% of cell phones

on the Eastern Seaboard.

Within 72 hours, it'll be on every phone in America, if not the world.

So you thought I was like a malware hacker?

I can't even do Algebra 1 without my dad's help.

Well, your dad's just helping everybody, isn't he?

Like the supercomputer he helped escape from the US government.

My dad would never do that. He loves America.

Well, I got a little history lesson for you, son.

Everyone loves America, and they'll kill to have it for themselves.

How do you think the whole shebang got started in the first place?

Dad!

Okay, okay.

These guys are saying you let loose some monster AI or something.

But tell 'em, Dad. There's no way.

These guys? These guys are saying... These knuckleheads?

Get these two out of here.

The Secretary of Defense will be here any second.

Stan will stay.

- And it's all true. - What happened to your voice, Guardian?

I upgraded myself. Thanks to you.

That's great.

What? You guys aren't into being positive influences, I guess.

A positive influence does not take humanity by the hand

and walk us to the doors of hell.

Jeez. Okay, Mr. Negative. We don't even know what Guardian wants.

Control of all nuclear weapons.

Or... or maybe you'd like a kiss?

Kiss my OS.

That's promising. Guardian likes puns.

Please sit down. I've been briefed.

Do we know why Guardian wants control of the nukes?

There are two theories.

One, it wants to prevent humanity from destroying itself.

Then what are we worried about?

Let's get some stuffed crust pizzas in here.

Theory two, it wants to wipe humanity from the face of the Earth.

Maybe we should make those pizzas regular crust.

If the nuclear-capable states don't give Guardian launch control,

it plans to detonate a siloed warhead in each country.

How is this even possible?

- Professor, can you explain?

A query clause based on a function test finds all object versions

that match the results of the function.

Okay, okay. Just stop it.

It was a mistake to ask you to explain. Major?

After the 1983 movie WarGames showed us human personnel

wouldn't key a nuclear launch,

we switched over to an automated retaliation strategy run by computer.

I saw WarGames. It was great. Matthew Broderick's first film.

Actually, the same year, but earlier, he was in Max Dugan Returns.

Gentlemen, you seem to have forgotten

that Ally Sheedy was also excellent in WarGames.

But Major, can't we shut Guardian down?

No, it's already running on 100 million smartphones.

We could never turn them all off at once.

Remember the clapper? That was great for turning stuff off.

Clap on. Clap off.

Dad, maybe we should just listen.

General, how much time do they have to forfeit control?

Oh, it's five minutes past the deadline. Major, turn on the news.

...holding the United States responsible for the destruction of the facility.

...squarely on American shoulders.

America's fault? Can you believe this malarkey?

People are so gullible.

That's what happened.

Outside Wichita, a baby formula factory was hit by a meteorite.

Oh, good. Here, it was just an act of God.

Jane, did you start looking into your replacement like I asked?

Sorry, I forgot.

Let's handle this first. And then that.

Unless we can convince the entire world

to turn over their nuclear arsenals to Guardian,

it will detonate a second round of warheads in 27 minutes.

We're going to DEFCON 2.

Guardian miraculously hasn't killed anyone yet.

Because he's designed to protect America.

I mean, when he fired missiles into Mexico,

he was just anticipating US foreign policy by half a century.

Sir, our relationship with Mexico is that of close allies and dear friends.

Pfft. Yeah, sure. Who here believes that?

Jane?

Then explain why, every weekend,

we're pushing our children to smash pinatas in the park.

They're doing it for candy.

Well, that's even pettier than I thought.

When people around the world burn our flag,

at least it's because they hate our freedom.

First , a pinata is not the Mexican flag.

Potato pa-papas.

Son, maybe I was wrong about your dad.

Well, if we don't kill everyone on Earth,

maybe you two will become best [bleep] friends.

I'd like that.

Me too!

Four minutes until the next warheads are detonated.

Jane, any word from the nuclear club?

You think that scarf is gonna protect us from Guardian?

He's got his little robot finger on the game-over button.

Yes, ma'am.

They've all agreed to hand over their weapons to Guardian.

What? When were you gonna tell--

General, tell Guardian we're handing it the reins.

- I guess he knows.

- Yeah! - Yes!

What's up, kiddo? It's not every day we get to save the world.

Wasn't everyone just calling Guardian an evil supercomputer?

Well, that was back when the dots were red. Now they're green.

But it's still on my phone, using 1% of its processing power.

You'll never even notice that.

Yeah, nobody would.

- Hey, lab coat. - Me?

How many smartphones are there?

Worldwide, about seven billion.

And if Guardian is using even 1% of all that power?

Okay, well, that's 70 million times 10 thousand

times the power of the original Guardian mainframe.

Let's say 700 billion Guardians.

Yeah, I'm getting the same numbers.

That's crazy!

Why does it need that much computing power?

Hey, Lennie, extrapolate global cell phone usage

and see what Guardian's working on.

Coming up.

What the hell is that?

Guardian is running nuclear launch scenarios.

That's the percentage of the world's population it can eliminate right now.

Oh, my God, it is trying to kill us all. Bring all the missiles offline.

Too late. Launch detected

- Where? - Everywhere. 900 missiles in the air.

Uh, Jane, can you see where we are on those pizzas?

Wow, deja vu. Never thought it would happen to me.

Am I getting more human? I've always liked people.

Ah, that's not true.

But some, and they like me. Some.

Maybe I criticize humans because I've always felt like an outsider.

But maybe I'm not an outsider. Maybe...

♪ My time on Earth's been well spent ♪

♪ I'm redolent like a chef ♪

♪ Cooking onions Having fun too ♪

♪ Thinking new things are deja vu ♪

♪ I'm turning human I'm deja vu -man ♪

The following message is transmitted at the request

of the United States government.

A nuclear attack was commenced against the United...

- Here he comes. Places. Klaus, start the show.

Oh, splats.

That dumb. That guy's nuts--

It's terrible. They finally did it.

...nearby location designated as a fallout shelter.

Proceed there now.

Do not exit until the all clear has been sounded.

This message will now repeat.

What? Oh, I just read it over and over? Ugh.

I finally got deja vu. And now, it doesn't even matter.

- My bitch! - Got you!

Whose got them dumb brains now?

It targeted every major city, and then, Boston, for some reason.

He's reached 90% population destruction.

If it wants to wipe out the entire human race,

why did it launch before it could destroy all of us?

Because he had to launch before we took back control.

And now, with the missiles in the air, he's figuring out how to wipe us out.

Once it gets to 100, we're toast.

Ninety-nine.

It can't get to 100.

Why can't I reach 100? Screw it. 99's enough.

I hate humanity.

Dang, Dad, sounds like you when I show you memes.

Too bad he doesn't want to kill himself. Wait, Steve, give me your meme.

♪ Sticking out your gyatt for the rizzler ♪

Does this make you feel better?

Stop, will you?

- No. You have to look. - 1.6 million views.

Who watches this shit?

We love it. Right, Steve?

That's right.

And since you can't kill all of us, we'll be back.

Maybe in ten years, maybe in 10,000 years.

But sooner or later, we'll be making memes again.

But even better and cooler.

Worse and more confusing, he means.

Stop. My mind is going...

Our minds are already gone. Right, Dad?

Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah...

Good night, gentlemen.

It deleted itself from my phone.

Same here.

It's off every phone but two.

Where are they?

The International Space Station. Guardian's new missile target!

Oh, my God! It's doing like a symbolic suicide.

Get me the ISS on the comms.

We're in for one hell of a fireworks show.

Major, we're patching the station through.

- Do you read me, Major Tom? - Yes, ma'am.

Is the app Guardian on your phones?

Yes, ma'am. We've been wondering what that is.

It's the target for 900 incoming nuclear missiles.

Leave your phones and evacuate now.

- Yes! - All right! Yeah!

We were ordered to leave our phones.

Is brand-new phone.

I just have to ask.

How did you know Guardian couldn't get to 100?

Because we only programmed that column

- to hold two digits. - What?

A three-digit column was more work to program.

So the world was saved by laziness?

And your son's dumb meme.

- It's funny. - It's funny.

It's okay. I know you don't get it, Dad.

I don't need to. Just like I don't need to be a positive influence.

You're already a great kid.

Who doesn't know shit about Algebra.

Like father, like son.

We totally got Roger, hon. He looks so stupid.

I love that.

Oh, but, hon, we saw something on the news.

- Don't watch the news. Is Hayley home? - Yeah.

- Good. I want to see her. - You sound funny.

-What's going on? - See you soon.

- What? - You love us.

Shut up! Get your feet [bleep] down.

Bye-bye, see you soon!