Original subtitles

Hey, sister, can I trade you a doobie for a junior vegan sub?

It's against corporate policy to barter.

But we do take Zelle.

Zelle?

Is that, like, another word for nitrous?

It's actually a pretty tight digital payment network

run by a conglomeration of the world's largest banks.

Hey, Hayley, why don't we have a quick chat in my office?

I noticed you've been really applying yourself lately.

Thanks, boss!

That's not a compliment.

Are you old enough to--

Hayley, do you know what the "sub" in SubHub stands for?

- Submarine? - No. Subculture.

Here at SubHub, we pride ourselves on hiring punks, metal-heads,

and that one guy Amir.

I don't think Amir's part of a subculture. He's just foreign.

Why split hairs?

Point is, you were hired to be this branch's hippie.

But you're not a hippie. You're a poser.

Whoa! Can you still call people that?

Face it, Hayley. You may dress like a hippie,

but you've been working hard, showing up on time,

and what's worse,

you passed your last drug test.

- I'm gonna have to let you go.

Hand over your name badge and tuna scooper.

- But, boss, I-- - Your badge and tuna scooper!

Now!

♪ Good morning, USA ♪

♪ I got a feeling that it's gonna be a wonderful day ♪

♪ The sun in the sky has a smile on his face ♪

♪ And he's shining a salute to the American race ♪

♪ Oh, boy, it's swell to say ♪

♪ Good morning, USA--♪

Ah!

♪ Good morning, USA ♪

Not a hippie? I'll show you not a hippie.

Ain't no one on this block more hippie than me!

- Oh, hell yeah!

My Amazon stock just split!

Space Jam!

Hayley, this is an intervention.

You're a poser.

You guys think I'm a poser too?

I just got fired 'cause of this!

We know. Mason called.

But now is not your time to speak, Hayley.

Now is your time...

to listen. Steve?

Hayley, if being an invirg,

an involuntary virgin, wasn't bad enough,

now you've made me a sibaud.

A sibling to a fraud. Klaus?

I'll just go from memory.

Hayley, you're not just any kind of poser.

You're a wack-ass poser.

So the whole family's against me?

Not me. I'm actually really proud of who you've become.

Oh, God!

- Jeff? - Sorry, babe, but you're no hippie.

When was the last time you stuck a flower

into a policeman's gun?

You're right! I'm a poser, but I can change.

You will change.

And we know where you can get help.

What the hell are you doing, flower child?

Get back in bed!

This is hippie boot camp, gotdangit!

I better not catch you with your eyes open

till noon at the earliest!

- Sorry, sir! - Don't "sir" me!

We're all equals and power dynamics are an illusion!

Now drop and give me 20!

No! I meant drop acid

and give me a 20-minute instrumental jam!

It's not enough patchouli until I'm ready to puke!

You call that a blunt? It's clearly a spliff!

This is my bong. There are many like it, but this one is mine.

You know what, maybe I'm not a hippie anymore,

and being here is making me even more of a poser.

Oh, sick, bro.

I love watching chicks self-actualize.

- Klaus? - That's right.

I tagged along because my authentic identity

is as a sidekick and a sounding board.

I don't know what to do.

I was a hippie for years.

But now I'm lost, and I don't know where to turn.

You could always go to church with me.

Ew! No!

I know where you can get a fresh start.

There's one place that will always accept you.

And that, Hayley, is improv comedy.

Wow! That was tolerable. And are you Wayne Brady?

I am! But I'm also whoever you want me to be.

You see, Hayley, a good improviser

fully submits to the almighty power

of whatever a stranger says. Let's practice.

- Can I get a location? - Mars!

Matt Damon's already been there. What else?

Nope. Seen enough.

I'd love to charge you 15 hundo for our intro course,

but improv is no place for inauthentic cowards.

Maybe try stand-up?

Great. Now what?

You could always go to church with me.

Gross! Get out of here!

Well... There is one place we could try.

Yech! It's just the same song over and over again.

Um, it's a little more nuanced than that.

Some of the songs are also covers of worse songs.

Well, it's not for me.

Well, these tickets were 4 bucks,

so I'm going back and getting my skank on.

- So... Church? - Fine.

Praise be! Plus, I don't go to just any church.

I go to Black church!

Like in the movies?

Let us pray.

Is it supposed to be this boring?

I thought Black church was fun.

Not Black Catholic church.

Black Catholics are notoriously dull.

Who's that?

Black Baby Jesus.

Not him. I mean the guy he's kicking.

You don't recognize The Devil?

He got kicked out of heaven because he was a fake,

waltzing around like a goody two-shoes when he was,

well, he was The Devil.

Well, maybe The Devil was just trying to figure out who he was!

Forgive me, Black Father.

I should not have brought this white woman into your house.

Good news!

I'm not a hippie or a poser anymore.

I'm a devil worshipper!

Nice try, Hayley, but I think you're gonna find it pretty hard

to shock the unflappable Stan--

Black lipstick! Tell me when she's gone!

Aah!

Yeah, that's right, I worship the devil.

And also, I relish in the glory of pain.

Hayley, you're embarrassing yourself.

You don't speak Aramaic, you don't own a grimoire,

and you've never severed a wolf's penis under a waning moon.

Poser.

I am not a poser!

Ooh! Owie.

I thought you relished in the glory of pain.

This is the same as when you were pretending to be a hippie.

The outfit is fire, but it's all a facade.

No it's not!

I'm going to a meet-and-greet for devil worshipers tonight.

Then you'll see.

I'll be the most authentic devil worshipper you've ever heard of!

Parenting is hard, Steve.

Remember that before you start a family.

Hey, Hayley!

Tuttle? You're a devil worshipper?

I summoned a demon or two in my day.

Wait, you've summoned demons?

Oh, yeah.

I'm actually still pretty good friends with Beelzebub.

He owes me a casserole dish.

I wanna summon a demon!

Thing is, only real devil worshippers can summon a demon,

or the consequences can be deadly.

Oh, I'm for real.

So how do I do it?

Easy! Everything you need is in those scrolls over there.

Aw. This demon's a cutie pie.

And to summon you, I need--

Whoa, virgin's blood.

Space Jam!

Is that a tampon?

Poser. Everyone knows devil worshipers free-bleed.

"Tears of an innocent."

Gotcha, dream!

Jeff, my mom thinks your hat is stupid! I heard her say it.

Ugh. "Slaughter a red fox"?

I can't do that.

Hey, Hayley!

You still down there being a poser?

Pops, you know that job I applied for? I got it.

So I gotta pack up and move to another forest.

Wait, you can't leave me!

Haven't you heard you're supposed to

stick by your father in sickness and in health?

That's for married couples.

Marry me, son.

Listen, Pops, I'm moving out.

You see that?

The dummy of my loins is abandoning his father!

Uh-oh, I think I'm having a heart attack!

This is the big one, Elizabeth!

I'm coming to join you, honey!

Well... I didn't slaughter it.

But I am stepping on its tail!

This has gotta be good enough!

It is I, Xnzux!

Archduke of Inter-Dimensional Space Hell!

Space what now?

Space Hell!

You know. Hellraiser, Event Horizon, etcetera.

Who has summoned me?

Not me, I was trying to summon this cute little--

I mean... I did summon you!

Me! The summoner!

Then you will face me in a challenge

decided by your very first utterance.

Like in Ghostbusters!

Space Jam?

So it shall be done.

I shall summon Looney Tunes on your behalf,

that we might face off in a Space Jam

when the stars align under the darkest of skies

lit only by an impending blood moon!

It's on! Wait, is that a Thursday?

- 'Cause I got hot yoga on Thursday-- - Should you lose,

I will drag Langley to Space Hell!

What? I gotta warn people!

I mean, yeah. I would.

Okay, so don't be mad,

but I accidentally summoned inter-dimensional space demons!

Come on, Hayley...

If you don't believe me, just check the basement.

It is I, Xnzux!

Hayley! You summoned a basketball team worth of demons into our basement!

Do you know how dangerous that is?

Of course I know it's dangerous!

They said they're gonna drag us all to Space Hell

if I don't win at Space Jam,

- which is when-- - Please, Hayley.

Everyone knows what a Space Jam is.

Yeah! Sounds kinda rad, actually.

It's not rad!

- The whole town is in danger! - But only if you lose, right?

Well, yeah, but--

You could easily win a Space Jam.

And it's not like the demons are affecting anything by being in this dimension.

Holy Hell! It's raining blood!

This is why I got into this business!

So the blood rain is because

you summoned inter-dimensional space demons, huh?

That's hard to believe.

But it's true!

Hayley, I've been your neighbor for years.

I say this gently, but you're a bit of a wack-ass poser.

She's being real this time!

We saw the demons too!

You see? The demons are real,

and they're gonna drag us all to Space Hell

if I don't win the Space Jam!

Sure, but only if you lose.

Do you believe in yourself as an athlete?

Of course.

And could you lead the home team to victory?

Like no one else!

I'm the Michael Jordan of Langley Falls!

Then it sounds like we have nothing to worry about, so long as you win.

Which she will!

How could Langley lose with Bugs Bunny on our side?

Yeah.

Me and Bugs versus a sack of punk-ass demons?

That's what's up, Doc!

I'm about to embarrass y'all on the court!

All of Langley's behind me! There's no way I can lose!

You really thought we were gonna do a Space Jam?

With you? A poser?

We were clowning you!

We know you didn't really slaughter that fox,

and now everyone else will know that you're a total fake.

You guys are being really mean!

Aw, thank you!

And the blood rain wasn't us. That was Monsanto.

Roger, where have you been?

Brushing up on some of my lesser personas.

What's with the tizzy?

I accidentally summoned inter-dimensional space demons who--

Duped you into thinking they'd do a Space Jam

then pulled out to expose you as a poser?

Tale as old as time.

- So... no Space Jam? - No.

Yes, Space Jam.

We're gonna fake a Space Jam!

What? That verges on the ridiculous!

No, she's right. If you don't pull this off,

no matter where you go,

you'll always be the girl who cried Space Jam.

But how do we fake a Space Jam?

With the help of the realest guy I know,

Wayne Brady.

His improv team could dress up as demons,

and we could dress up as the Looney Tunes!

I could write an "I Believe I Can Fly" type inspirational banger!

I could help with the costumes!

And I could make snacks!

Actually, if I'm being realistic,

I'm not going to make snacks.

All right! We're gonna fake us a Space Jam!

Roger, we'll need costumes for inter-dimensional space demons.

Bugs Bunny, Taz--

I'm a lawyer,

here on behalf of Disney, Warner Brothers,

and whatever companies Disney and Warner don't own yet.

I'll be attending the Space Jam,

and if I catch so much as a whiff of copyright infringement,

you're going to jail.

So either keep it in the public domain or off the basketball court.

Oh, man, we're so screwed!

Relax. Sometimes constraints can focus you. When's the game?

It's when the stars align under the darkest of skies

lit only by an impending blood moon.

That's a weird way to say tomorrow.

What's up, Langley! I'm Charles Barkley,

and this is a Space Jam.

Visiting from another dimension

that's Hell-ish but not quite technically Hell,

let's hear it for the demons!

- All right!

And now, leading the home team,

give it up for Hayley Smith!

Due to a scheduling conflict,

the Looney Tunes couldn't be here tonight.

But Langley's team is still packed with public domain favorites such as

Popeye The Sailor Man's girlfriend Olive Oyl's brother Castor Oyl!

More like Ass Hair Oyl,

because it smells like balls in here.

From a comic strip I've been assured once existed, Boob McNutt?

Not even a giggle?

Boob McNutt's a funny name!

Next up,

Frankenstein's Monster!

The crowd is going wild for a character they finally recognize!

Dad! Lose the bolts in your neck!

Universal Studios owns the rights to bolt-neck Frankenstein!

And last but not least,

Felix the Cat!

Wait, who's in that one?

- Klaus. - How's he moving around?

His driving cane.

Ah.

Before we get started, how about a suggestion from the audience?

I have a suggestion.

Win!

So it shall be done.

Great, of course basketball's your thing!

Nope! Never touched a basketball before.

This is just what happens when you give yourself over to the power of improv.

But you said you'd let us win!

Sorry, hope you brought your A-game, bitch.

Okay, I want a clean game.

It's Space Jam rules, so pretty much anything goes.

Aah! Steve!

♪ If I ascertain it ♪

♪ I might could do it ♪

♪ If I just discern it ♪

♪ Possibly I'll achieve it ♪

♪ I perceive that I ♪

♪ Might be capable of flight ♪

♪ I wrote this song just yesterday ♪

♪ It's pretty good considering ♪

♪ There's a chance I'll ascend ♪

♪ Langley may win in the end ♪

♪ I perceive that I ♪

♪ Might be capable of flight ♪

Whoo!

What does Castor Oyl even do?

I don't know! We couldn't find clips of him online.

We just know he's from Popeye.

Popeye...

I've got it!

That's copyright infringement, folks! Hope you like jail.

Hey, Ref! We're down a player! We gotta sub someone in!

It's Space Jam rules. Do whatever.

Steve! Plan B!

Folks, please welcome,

all the way from the year 1918,

it's Koko the Clown!

Wow, I did a really great job on these costumes.

With time running out, the Demonstars lead the...

whoever these guys are...

by one point!

I can't lose, Hayley.

I'm an improvisor.

You're just a phony.

Nuh-uh! I'm...

I'm Hayley Smith!

- Space Jam.

- We did it!

It is I, Xnzux!

- Aah!

That's right, Langley! You've been played as fools!

This wasn't a real Space Jam!

No shit! You think we're all idiots?

Wait, you knew this game was fake?

That Hayley was still a fraud?

Yeah, but so what?

She was entertaining!

This Space Jam got the whole community together,

it was an excuse to get out of the house,

and it made Ma happy.

Besides, Hayley is just a 19 or maybe 22-year-old kid.

Yeah, he's right!

We're sorry, Hayley.

You're not supposed to have it all figured out yet.

But you? How dare you.

A timeless being coming into our dimension

and preying on the insecurities of a young woman?

- You're filth. - I'm a demon!

Thanks you guys.

I guess I learned my lesson.

I don't need to be a hippie or a devil worshipper.

I can just be Hayley,

even if that means I'm a little lost sometimes.

Sweet Black Baby Jesus, that's corny.