Original subtitles

[laughing]

Baby, you gotta see this.

No, I gotta see-- what's this?

Curtis, what you doin'?

Oh, baby, I thought I'd give you a break,

so I did the laundry for you.

Why, thank you, baby.

Mm-hmm.

I didn't know you could be so special.

I really appreciate you doing the laundry for me, Curtis,

but from now on, can I do the laundry?

Why, baby?

Because I can tell that you washed the whites

with the colors.

Ella, you know I am not for that "separate but equal" mess.

I'll buy you a new blouse, baby.

[knocking on door]

Come in!

Stay out!

Oh, hey, Glo.

Ella.

Hey, what's-your-face.

Curtis.

What brings you here?

You heard there was joy in the house and came to kill it?

Interesting how the only people upset about rules

are the ones who break them.

Oh, hell.

So what did I do now, huh?

What, I painted something some unapproved color?

Played my Al Green too loud?

Ms. Irene been complaining about me being nekkid again?

I told you -- you come to this window and look and see

if somebody's home, what you see is what you see.

I'm sorry, Glo.

What brings you by?

There's a very aggressive pit bull chained to your

barbecue truck.

A pit bull, Curtis?

And you got him chained?

That's inhumane.

Yeah, baby, he's out there to --

I got a right to protect my stuff.

This is America.

Yes, you do.

But the dog barks and growls at everybody who walks by.

I mean, I thought he was gonna kill me.

That's a good boy, that's a good boy.

Babe, we gotta get him some special treats.

Curtis, get rid of that dog.

Take him back to wherever you got him from

before he hurts somebody.

Fine, Ella.

I'll find Fang a new home.

Thank you for your cooperation.

And I hope you do it soon.

I mean, I'd hate to have to put up "Bad Neighbor" flyers.

Bad neighbor flyers?

The hell is that?

You know, I'm joking, of course.

Just having a little fun with Photoshop.

But the dog must go at once.

Yeah, whatever -- let me see that.

Hurry up.

Glo, you got a little talent.

I mean, I never believed that dance mess.

But you got some talent right here.

Give me a couple more.

Well, sure.

-Thank you. -Curtis?

Baby, we almost out of toilet paper.

Just use these.

[theme music]

Calvin, son, what are you doing in here?

You're supposed to be cutting the grass.

Oh, the grass is being cut -- just not by me.

Okay, now, I spent all that time mentoring you

on the fine art of lawn care,

and you pass it off to somebody else?

Mentored me?

Pops, you gave me a push lawnmower and told me,

"Whatever you do to that lawn, I'ma do to your hair."

I still got PTSD from smelling freshly cut grass.

Yeah, but you always did a good job, though.

See, a little fear never hurt anybody.

Pops, I don't know why you tripping.

I've been working all day, so I subcontracted the job.

Calvin, what you gonna pay him with?

Whoa, hey, down.

That dog vicious, man.

What's wrong with him?

That's Fang -- good job, Fang!

Good job, boy!

I told you not to keep that dog on a chain.

That's probably why he's so aggressive.

Hey, Cal, done with the grass, man.

Where them pork chops we talked about?

Oh, they in the kitchen waiting for you.

Yeah, my guy, all right.

He works cheap.

Son, I'm loving you more and more every day.

So how many pork chops you think he would charge

to shingle the roof?

[knocking on door]

Coming.

Ain't nobody home.

I'll get it.

Whoa, Curtis, Calvin.

Watch out.

What the hell are you bringing in my house?

Thank you, thank you.

What, Glo?

Curtis, I came to apologize.

I should have approached the dog situation differently.

I'm told that not everyone enjoys being

passive-aggressively shamed into submission.

Someone had to tell you that?

Truth is, I'm still grieving my late husband.

Haven't really been myself lately.

Not to pry, but how did he pass?

He was lost at sea, never to be found.

That is awful.

They never found his body?

I couldn't even give him a proper burial.

I am so sorry to hear that, Glo.

Yeah, thoughts and prayers, thoughts and prayers.

What is Long Pork?

Uh, uh -- Cedric Long is a butcher friend of mine.

He gave me this pallet of pork.

I thought you could use it for your barbecue business.

How much pork is in here?

Oh, about 210 pounds.

210 pounds?

You can insult me some more, please.

Glo, thank you, for all of this meat, thank you.

That is so generous of you.

Man, these so good, man.

Good looking out, Cal, for real.

Hey, from the other day, how you doin'?

Oh, look at you shining out here.

Blinding people, yeah.

I'm glowing.

Oh, yes you are, you most certainly are.

Yeah, all right, now.

Let me find out.

You know, you still have to come by and try my meatloaf.

Meatloaf?

Aren't you a vegetarian?

Oh, yes, yes, sure, but just happened to have

a little meat lying around.

You let me know if you need some more meat lying around.

Hey, man, are you okay?

Oh, I'm good.

Just saw my future baby sugar mama.

[music]

Coming, coming.

Hey, what up, dog.

She here yet?

Is who here?

And why are you here?

Man, come on, man.

Don't act like that -- Ms. Higgenbottom.

Told your mom I was cleaning out the gutters.

Peanut, what's going on?

You know what's going on.

I'm trying to get on with old girl.

Ms. Higgenbottom?

Yeah.

You're trying to get with that old lady?

Look, she's not just a regular old lady, okay?

I looked her up.

Yeah, she used to be a former Solid Golddancer and

she made a little money doing appearances and stuff.

But then she got a fat-ass life insurance check

when her husband died.

Yeah, I'm about to get paid.

You know what?

I never pegged you as a gold digger.

Whoa, first of all, I'm not a gold digger.

I'm just a man who wants to find a woman with enough money

to take care of me so I never have to work again.

That's the definition of a gold digger.

Why are you so negative?

And look, that's not the only reason I'm interested.

I happen to actually appreciate older women.

Oh, so she's a fetish.

Man, I don't know what she into.

That's what I'm trying to find out.

Peanut.

Hey.

Hello, what brought you by?

Oh, you know, I was cutting the grass earlier,

and I just looked up and I noticed

your gutters were cluttered, and it had a lot of stuff.

I said, let me go ahead and get those gutters clear.

Thank you so much.

Calvin, you can learn a thing or two from your friend.

Yeah, it's the truth, Cal.

You could learn something.

[knocking on door]

Oh, I got it, I got it.

Why, hello, Ms. Higgenbottom.

Hello.

What a pleasant surprise.

Now, you gotta tell me why they call you Higgenbottom.

Because it's my name.

Oh, okay, okay.

I thought that's what they called you in the street.

Yeah, I don't think I got to properly introduce myself

to you.

-I'm Clayton. -Okay.

You can call me Peanut.

-Peanut? -[Peanut] Yeah.

Well, I just came by to drop off this apple pie.

Oh, you made that?

Well, yes, of course I did.

Let me find out.

I hope you and Curtis enjoy it.

Ooh, Calvin, that smells delicious.

Thank you.

Glo, you gotta stop it.

[Peanut clearing throat]

I just was in the garden earlier and I noticed

this beautiful flower.

It reminded me so much of you, that I just wanted to give it

to you as a token of my appreciation.

You know, beautiful women deserve beautiful things.

Oh, well, thank you.

Thank you so much.

So sweet of you with your young self.

So what I gotta do to get a piece of pie?

-Peanut. -What, man?

[music]

Ooh, Mr. Payne, I heard you were barbecuing out here.

I need to get a lesson and a plate.

Hey, Miranda.

You're a little early.

I just got my fire right and just putting the meat on.

Where did you get all this meat from? Smells good.

Oh, you know the new president of Prosperous Pines, Gloria?

Oh, yeah, she's the widow, right?

Yeah, well, we bumped heads.

She talking about I can't keep my vicious dog

chained to my food truck.

What?

This is your house.

This is America.

That's exactly what I said.

Huh.

Well, it smells good.

I know it do.

I'ma tell you what, she sure know how to apologize.

Will you look at the marbling on this meat?

Mmmm.

My goodness.

What if she's trying to prank you?

Prank me?

Yeah, you said the two of you bumped heads, right?

Well, what if she gave you this meat and there's something

wrong with it, just to get back at you?

That's ridiculous, Miranda.

This is from a reputable distributor, Long Pork.

I've never heard of him.

Did you look him up online?

Did you check the reviews?

Do they even exist?

Okay, Miranda.

Okay.

Yeah, I might need you to take off your earrings

and get some Vaseline.

Listen, you know I got you.

I need you to jump on this broad.

This old broad.

Long Pork...

Ooh, how long till these ribs are ready?

Uh!

What, what, what does it say?

-I typed in Long Pork. -Okay.

-And it took me to WikiSpy. -So?

It says that Long Pork is another name cannibals use

for human meat?!

Oh!

And I said it smells good.

That's her husband!

No!

-Baby! -Curtis?

You're alive.

I'm right where you left me.

Why are you surprised?

Because there's a Jeffrey Dahmer in the midst.

The neighborhood is not safe, baby.

I need to move.

I look too delicious to stay around here.

What are you rambling about?

Ooh, Miss Ella, the meat that that lady gave you all

is human flesh.

Human flesh.

Oh, really?

Mm-hmm.

What makes you say that?

I know because on the box it says Long Pork, okay?

We looked it up, and Long Pork is another name for human flesh.

Yes.

Apparently we taste like pork.

That's what they say.

Looked it up.

Who is "they"?

Baby, it's probably her husband.

We need to alert the authorities.

Mm-hmm.

We need to call the APD, the CIA, the FBI, the LMNOP.

Wait, I don't know that last one, who's that?

Curtis --

I don't know, but I'm sure they got guns.

Do you know how crazy you're going to sound

if you call the authorities?

Crazy like a terrified fox.

Besides the name Long Pork, how do you know this woman

is trying to feed you her late husband?

Because it's the only logical conclusion, Ella.

From millions of possibilities,

including Glo genuinely wants to apologize,

cannibalism is the only conclusion you arrive at?

Well, I guess it sounds a little weird when you say it

in that tone.

It makes me sound paranoid.

Curtis, you sound nuttier than squirrel crap.

Hey.

That woman did not kill anybody.

Miss Ella, how well do we really know this woman?

How can you prove she isn't serving her dead husband up

by the pound?

I can't prove something like that.

So you sayin' she did it!

You know what, hold on.

[sniffing]

What are you doing?

I'm smelling for liquor or either you just plain crazy.

You go on, Curtis, call the police.

But don't you even look at me when she sues you

for defamation.

[music]

Is there anybody else in here?

Should there be?

No, no one else is here, Uncle Curtis.

What can we do for you, Uncle Curtis?

You know that woman, Glo?

She's a murderer and she needs to be locked up in jail.

All right, hold on.

Let's start back over.

What's going on?

Okay, you know how she said that her husband was missing?

Yeah, lost at sea, we've all heard the story.

Mm-hmm, mm-hmm, fake news.

The truth is, she murdered that man

and she been trying to feed him to me.

That nice old lady, the one with the dancer's body?

If I hear that Solid GoldBS one more time.

Uncle Curtis, it's hard to believe that she murdered

her husband, got away with it, and you want me to believe

that she tried to feed him to you?

That's a stretch, man.

Is it really?

Well, she gave me 210 pounds of meat, right?

I went on her MyFace page.

See that big fella right there?

That's her husband.

That look about 210 to me.

Uncle Curtis, that doesn't mean anything.

You still need proof.

Exactly.

If she really is a murderer,

you're gonna need some hard evidence.

I got all that meat.

She already said she got that from somewhere else.

What you need is a confession.

You're right.

We need an inside man.

[knocking on door]

Somebody go undercover with a wire that can

catch her confession.

Who in the world is gonna be that dumb?

-Hey, C.J. -What up, 'Nut?

-What up, baby? -My man.

Good, Mr. Payne, Malik, what up, dog?

What's happenin'?

Delicious, from the club?

Hey, 'Nut.

What I'm tellin' you.

I see you, hey.

Mr. Payne, um, Calvin said you might be able to help me

with some advice on bagging older women?

Step aside, C.J.

I think we got our man.

Peanut, you remember the plan.

Yeah, all I gotta do is seduce her and get her to admit

she killed her husband.

Right, but once you get her confession, we're gonna

jump out, hold her down while you call the police.

Okay, but like, do I at least got time to get her

ATM card or something?

I'm down to help catch a killer, but just not for free.

[knocking on door]

-Hey! -Hey.

Let the festivities begin.

I thought you was throwing Ella a birthday party.

Where is everyone?

Is everything okay?

Sure, sure, it's a small party.

Please, let me show you to the back.

Come on, you lead the way.

Birthday, birthday.

Hey, hey, ooh.

Here she comes.

[Gloria] Birthday, birthday.

Surprise.

Well, well, well, we meet again.

Well, how are you?

Get that chair for you.

Oh, it's all good.

Mr. Walnut, Chestnut?

I remember it's some kind of nut.

Oh, it's Peanut, the most versatile of all the nuts.

Actually, peanuts aren't nuts, they're legumes.

-Legumes? -Mm-hmm.

Wow, I was today years old when I found that out.

That's crazy, 'cause they got nut in the name.

Yes, even though nut is in the name, it comes from a seed pod.

That's what legumes mean.

Look, I need a woman that can teach me something.

I like learning something from women.

You might need to teach me something new.

Okay, what's going on here?

Oh yeah, you feel it too, huh?

Feeling what?

I have shoes older than you.

But you know what they say, age ain't nothing but a number.

So is 911 if you try to get fresh.

Listen, why are you tripping?

Yeah, I'm young, but I got a good heart.

I got a good spare kidney in case the need arises.

And I don't snitch.

You can tell me your deepest darkest secret

and I promise you, I won't tell a soul.

And what kind of secret would I tell you?

Anything, I'm all ears.

Maybe you want to tell me about cheating on your taxes.

Maybe you been stealing from a store.

Or maybe you murdered your husband,

tried to feed it to your neighbors?

I killed my husband and what?!

Got her!

That's not a confession.

You jumped out too soon.

Okay, uh, sorry about that, y'all.

Continue on.

What is going on back here?

Hey, happy birthday!

Thank you, but it's not my birthday.

Who told you that?

Well...

Curtis, why did you tell her that?

[music]

If you searched Long Pork of Decatur,

you would have found my friend's butcher shop.

[All] Oh.

But -- why 210 pounds?

Isn't that an odd number?

Not if you consider the meat was processed.

I'm guessing the hog was close to 300 before then.

Do you really think I'm capable of murder?

That's them -- I never thought that.

You know what, you can stop your flirting now.

Your undercover mission is over.

Oh, no, no no, I wasn't flirting.

I'm actually attracted to you.

-Really? -Oh, yeah.

Hmmm.

Glo, I'm sorry I accused you of killing your husband

for the insurance money.

I never received any insurance money.

I had it all disbursed to charity.

You gave it all away?

Yes.

So you ain't got nothing?

I live off my pension nowadays.

But, you know, I mean, about you being attracted to me?

Nah, I'm good.

I can get a young, broke chick.

They out there by the dozens.

[music]

[music]

[music]