Original subtitles

-[knocking on door] -[Miranda] Calvin, let's go!

[knocking on door]

Calvin, let's go.

-What happened? -Okay, look.

We need to ride out real quick.

Well, where are we going?

You need to get whatever you need to handle your business.

-I'm taking this. -What business?

Listen, you're-- you're supposed to say,

whose car are we taking?

I don't even know where we're going.

-Christian's school! -Wait, what?

I-is everything okay with my baby boy?

The principal called and said that he got jumped

by a mob of kids.

-Oh-ho, whoa. -Exactly!

We are about to ride out. Let's go!

What are you gonna do with an umbrella?

You gonna keep him dry?

I'm about to handle my business!

Maybe you are overreacting just a little bit.

Somebody put their hands on my baby?

Somebody put their hands on my baby!

What's going on?

It sounds like two women screaming about their babies!

We about to ride out.

Wait, wait, what happened?

Look, the details don't matter.

Just know that we might be about to hurt some people.

-What kind of people? -Little people.

Like little people little people?

Listen, Christian's principal called.

He got jumped during a riot at the school.

-Whose car are we taking? -Exactly.

-Boom. -Leave your cell phone.

Leave the phone, let's go.

-Wait a minute. -Let's go, let's go.

What you gonna do with that umbrella?

I'm about to handle my business. Now, let's go.

-Yeah. -Yeah.

-[Laura] Let's go. -Yeah.

There we go. Now the monitor is all set up.

Now Ma-Lisa and the twins can see Janine

anytime they want to.

Hey, Dad, I don't know if you heard about this, uh,

new contraption that they have called a phone.

Yeah, it kind of does something similar to that.

You know, they got this other contraption called an apartment

that you can walk out that door and pay your own rent

and buy your own groceries.

You know, the older you get,

the more you sound like Uncle Curtis.

And the longer you stay here,

the more I feel like Uncle Curtis.

With your baby and your girlfriend.

So Ms. Payne really working out of town?

Yeah, yeah, you know, it's a great opportunity and

a lot of people do it, so, it's okay.

I don't know if I'd let my wife work out of town.

Let me? You know what we call girls

who cross state lines to get that bag?

What? Interstate strippers?

[laughs] Highway hustler?

[laughing]

-Determined. -That too.

That's--yeah, okay.

I mean, we out here working twice as much as men

just to make half the money. So I salute your momma.

Wait, so it kinda sounds like you would be okay

leaving me and your baby to make some money.

It do sound like that. That's how it sound.

You mean like men do all the time?

My dad never left us, even when it got rough.

I must say, I did what I had to do,

but I was just doing

what a leader of a family supposed to do.

-You feel me? -I feel you.

And women can lead too.

Obviously Mrs. Payne is leading right now

while Mr. Payne tends to the children and the farm.

No, no, no, no, no, no.

Fire chief, okay?

Nobody's leading, you know?

This is not Little House on the Prairie.

What she talking about?

It's a figure of speech. I didn't mean literally.

It sound like you literally calling me a homemaker.

Well...

But you are.

But I'm not.

Uh, Dad, your wife is away at work

and your job is to have dinner on the stove every night.

Kind of sounds like a homemaker.

Boy, I'm a grown man with a mortgage and pension.

Y'all got me messed up.

Y'all gonna stop playin' with me.

Uh, what's for dinner tonight?

Uh, I think we're gonna have beef ribs.

-Oh. -And, uh, asparagus.

I got some--I got a salad.

Got some thousand island dressing.

That's good, I like that. And, uh, I gotta get a starch,

so I gotta run to the supermarket.

Yeah.

Don't be mad, I mean, I think it's dope

that Mrs. Payne has you domesticated.

You know, that's the last damn time.

We're going to show these cowpokes

who is running this ranch.

Call Janine. Call Janine!

Hey, family, what's happening?

-Being retired. -I know that's right.

That's what I say.

[laughing]

[sighs] Oh, uh, baby, I'm gonna grab me some water.

You need anything out the kitchen?

Curtis, please, can I get some tea?

Chamomile.

And I'll take a squeeze of honey and a lemon wedge.

-You got it, baby. -Thank you.

Oh, and Curtis?

Can I get my house shoes, please?

-Oh yeah. -Thank you.

You want me to rub your feet for ya?

Ooh, yes, a little later, though.

Can you do that later?

-Yeah, okay. -Thank you!

Mm!

Uh, Big Homie?

What in the housekeeping servitude

-is going on over here? -What do you mean?

I mean, Aunt Ella got you playing Benson over here?

-I mean, what is going on? -What?

Ain't it supposed to be the other way around?

Oh, so you think I'm supposed to be at his beck and call

and fetch his slippers and pipe?

I mean, if that's what it is, that's what it supposed to be.

Uh, you need to stop falling asleep

on those old classics.

We are not June and Ward Cleaver.

Look, when did she get you all domesticated?

Do you know that she could hear you talking about her?

Like it's 1963?

She's sitting right here.

He is always sitting on his throne

getting whatever he wants.

What's wrong, Unc?

Is retirement making you soft?

CJ, where is all of this coming from?

First of all, I will never be soft.

[Ella] [chuckles]

Baby, you want me to make you some of the cucumbers

with the dill, like I did the other day?

Ooh, Curtis, please, yes.

Ooh, I can't wait.

The world is upside down! What is going on over here?

[music]

Well, that didn't go as planned.

I thought you said Christian got jumped by a gang of kids.

Well, maybe I misheard the principal.

Uh...

Well, you know, a gaggle of kids making a ruckus in the hallway

does kind of sound like a gang of kids on the playground.

Actually, that sounds nothing alike.

It really didn't help that you went in waving your umbrella,

threatening people.

Well, I was upset 'cause you made it seem like

Christian was on life support.

You know, my sister went through this.

-Went through what? -Parental hysteria.

-That's a real thing? -Yeah, she invented it.

Mm-hmm, it's when parents think that their kids are in danger.

All common sense gives way to delusion and overreacting.

Ain't nobody overreacting.

[Miranda] Nobody's overreacting.

Let somebody put their hands on my baby--

-They're getting smoked. -I will hit a kid!

I stand corrected.

Well, okay, exactly what would you do?

-Oh, me? -[Miranda] Mm-hmm.

-They would've got these hands. -Thank you.

But after I would've gotten all the facts and details straight.

See? You're smart. You're smart.

Now my photo is sitting up

in the security office at the school.

You threatened the janitor, babe.

Well, how was I supposed to know?

He had a broom.

Well, it looked like a weapon to me.

You know, parental hysteria

can really cause a parent to see things that are not there

when they think that their kid is in danger.

My sister thought that it was a bear chasing her baby!

Huh! It turned out it was just a beagle.

But still, she thought her baby's life was in danger.

Well, you know what? Let's look at the positive.

-[Miranda] Yes. -At least Christian is safe

and it was only a playground scuffle, so...

Exactly.

I'm really happy that he's at a good school

that has a zero-tolerance policy.

And, uh, plus they know, let something go down,

we gonna roll up in there.

[laughs]

Sometimes you gotta show 'em just how crazy you are.

Hey, yeah!

[laughs]

I'm crazy too.

Yes, you are.

I see you, boo.

[phone ringing]

Oh.

Hold on a second. Hello?

Yes?

This is she.

What?

Another fight at school?

Okay, I'm--I'm on my way to come get him right now.

Oh, these kids just don't learn. Let's ride!

No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.

I just have to go pick him up.

Christian has been suspended for bullying.

Can you hand me my purse, please?

Yeah.

Bullying?

Thanks.

Ms. Ella, thank you so much for watching Christian.

Today has been such a crazy day.

Who was he fighting?

Not fighting, bullying.

Bullying?

What--where did he get that from?

I don't know! Probably Calvin.

You know when he gets going and gets so intense and worked up,

and sometimes it's really challenging to reel him back in.

Ooh, I just described myself, didn't I?

Ding, ding, ding, bingo.

My goodness, I turned my child into a bully.

Miranda, you're being too hard on yourself.

Now, children are either products of their environment

or they prosper in spite of their environment.

Well, which one is Christian?

I don't know, it's still early.

But he's got a long way to go, and he has plenty of resources.

Well, I'm definitely grateful

that he has two sets of grandparents

who can help raise him.

No, no, no, no, no.

I just let you drop him off over here today.

I'm retired.

I was saying he has three parents.

Laura's not his mother.

Not yet.

But it could be much worse than Laura.

Ooey, ooey, got one on your hands!

[grunts]

Christian told me he was dropping haymakers

on them kids at school.

-Curtis. -[Curtis] Huh?

He got that Payne blood in him, baby!

Listen, Mr. Payne, this is not funny.

If this happens one more time,

Christian could get expelled from school.

Expulsion builds character.

No, it does not. It builds jails.

Jail--jails? No, no, no, no. Jail?

My baby can't go to jail!

-Miranda-- -He can't go to jail!

Christian is not gonna go to jail.

That's the same thing Sugar Mane momma said

when she gave him the keys to her El Dorado.

-Curtis! -You know where he at?

-Jail. -Oh my goodness.

[coughs] You're not helping.

What happened?

Oh, you thought the OJ chase was bad?

[gasps]

He rode from Hope, Arkansas to Archibald, Louisiana

with the groceries still on top of the car.

-[Ella] Curtis! -[Curtis] Huh?

She is already anxious enough.

What, what? No, no, no, no...

My baby cannot be in a high-speed car chase--

-[Ella] Miranda-- - --with stolen produce!

You better get your house in order.

And get everybody in your village on the same page.

That's how we've always done it, Miranda.

Miranda, Curtis is right.

Get everybody over there on the same page.

Okay. Thank you.

[music]

Connect. Connect.

Connect!

Play, uh, Turn Off the Lightsby...

Teddy Pendergrass.

Turn the lights back on!

Turn the lights on. Turn the lights on!

-CJ! -Hey! Oh.

Uh, say bro, you need to hold somethin' 'til payday

for the light bill?

No, man, this--this video monitor is acting crazy.

I can't get it to work.

-Can I try? -Yeah.

Lights on all over, please.

Oh, wow, how did you--

Lights on all over, please!

Wow! How did you do that?

The algorithm responds better to females' voices.

See, the chauvinist programmers think only women stay at home

and don't go to work.

Oh, y'all think I stay at home and don't go to work?

[chuckles]

-Okay, okay. -No--

Y'all think I don't go to work.

-No, no! -No, no, no, CJ, we don't.

Yeah, no, I mean, I understand, I understand, uh-huh.

I mean, I change diapers.

-Yes. -Yeah, I cook, I cook, right?

Yes.

I clean.

But I'm the man of this house, damn it!

-Chill, bro, we get it. -Let me help you out there, CJ.

Don't come in here accusing me

of being domesticated, all right?

Thank you, thank you, sis, I appreciate that.

-But you are domesticated. -No, I'm not.

Uh, yes, you are. But it's kind of cool.

It's hella dope, CJ.

You are cooking. You are cleaning.

Taking care of four kids.

Working hard and supporting your woman through her dreams?

Uh, baby, I'm standing right here.

Oh, baby, no, you--

No, you know what I meant.

Technically--technically it's five kids,

because we got the baby.

Now, once the baby came, it's five kids.

I have to start all over again. Change diapers and everything.

Now, that's crazy, 'cause at most,

Pops had three kids in the house, and he had help.

That's right! Pops had help.

I ain't have no help! I had to do it by myself.

You know what?

You low key might be the head patriarch of the Payne family--

Ain't no low key! Ain't no low key!

I'm the patriarch! I'm the one.

You know, huh, it is so sexy when a man can do all of that.

-Uh-- -Mm!

You see me here, though.

Oh, baby!

Yes, yes, baby, I know you can take care of five kids

and support me and all of that.

Actually, I can't even take care of two.

What? What's that supposed to mean?

Christian just got suspended for bullying.

What? Where did he get that from?

Probably Miranda.

You know, she can't process things well

and she keeps things bottled in 'till it explodes,

and then you--it's already too late, and...

Did I just describe myself?

-To a tee. -Spot on.

That's you.

You gotta get the juice.

See, you gotta rub it like this and get the juice

'cause the kids like it--

you put the thousand island ranch on there,

and then it--boo.

You--you taking notes?

Yeah, yeah, I'm taking notes.

You know, when we were struggling

and the kids started acting out,

it was usually because of something we weren't doing.

-Like spanking them? -Time out?

No, not spending time with them.

I had two.

I was by myself, and I had two.

I was outnumbered.

Yes, but you did an amazing job raising those kids.

I did the best I could.

But it's questionable what they gon' turn out to be.

It's questionable. We still got time to see.

And your wife is shining,

and that's some real grown man ish right there, Cuzzo.

-That's grown man, ain't it? -Yes it is.

That's some grown man ish. You know what?

Play This Is a Man's Worldby James Brown.

James Brown?

Can you get that for me?

I got you.

So, where are you taking Christian when you leave here?

-Counseling. -Ice cream.

No, I mean, we can do the counseling first

and maybe ice cream afterwards.

Absolutely not.

Sugar is the last thing that Christian needs.

See, this is exactly what I'm talking about.

Miranda...

Listen, I don't mean any disrespect.

I can take a step back.

Did the both of you ever know

that I took care of someone else's child?

[Laura & Miranda] What?

Mr. Payne had another family on the other side of town?

Was there another woman?

Did you have to have a woman-to-woman moment with her?

Wait, was this before or after you were saved?

Was it Claretha?

No, no, no, no, no, and no, and no, and no.

Just asking.

It was Janine.

And CJ.

Ooh!

This family got some bones in the closet.

But I'm not judging.

It's not like that.

I was there for them when

they couldn't take care of their kids.

I just helped them.

It could've been a day, an hour, a month, whatever.

Whatever it took for the babies.

I get it.

And that's what we do.

We have to nurture and love our kids,

because nobody else is gonna do it for us.

Miranda, listen, I know I'm not Christian's mother.

I just wanna be there for you as a support system

for you and Calvin.

Yeah, we just have to be on the same team.

I agree.

And I just thank you for giving me the honor

of being in Christian's life.

He's such a beautiful, wonderful boy.

Yeah, I am happy that you are a part of our village,

because let me tell you, you were ready

to roll up to that school and get it poppin'!

[laughs]

Yes!

Listen, I will punch a bad kid in the ear, okay?

If he wants to smoke.

Listen, anyone who will ride for my baby like that

can ride with me 'til the wheels fall off.

Hey, so I wanted to ask you.

Um, there's this group of moms that I go to.

Some are single, some are co-parenting,

some are old, some are young.

What you think about it?

Okay. I've heard of stuff like that.

I'd love to.

Awesome!

And maybe we can go there together, you know?

Grab coffee and--or cocoa

while we co-co-parent?

I'd love to.

-Bye, baby! -Bye, Mom!

Love you, baby!

[laughs] She look good, don't she?

Got them bangs covering her forehead, everything.

She ain't got no big forehead, Unc.

Man, I miss that woman.

"That woman"?

That woman is my wife and your mother.

Let's put some respect on that, buddy.

What I say?

Yeah, Malik, you gotta respect the primary breadwinner.

I mean, she's got her credit up, she's got her bag up.

Hey, CJ, she probably don't even need you, bruh.

Uh, first of all, player, I'm the primary breadwinner.

And my wife not only needs me, but she wants me.

Yeah, she wants you to be domesticated.

Says the man shacking up with his daddy.

Yeah, you ain't jumped no broom or nothing.

What you talkin' 'bout?

And besides, if Uncle Curtis can be domesticated, anybody can.

Hold up, bruh. Hold up, now.

I-I take care of my wife, okay?

If something-- if she ain't livin' right

and ain't feelin' right, then I'm doing something wrong.

You know, you was in there cutting up cucumbers

and talking about rubbing feet and whatnot.

I'm like, whoa!

[laughs]

Ha, ha, ha, and?

Please, that woman carried my son all around on those feet.

And she chased your little bad behind all over the house.

And she paced the floor for over 30 years

waiting on me to get home from work.

So, she deserve that and a whole lot more, I think.

Yeah, I guess I never-- I never saw you that way before.

Mm, well, that's what the man of the house does.

He makes sure everybody in the house, under the roof,

got everything they need.

Well, I put Lisa's toenails in the trash after she cuts them.

What the hell is wrong with you?

-Are you crazy? -That's disgusting.

I'm ashamed to call you my son, boy!

Ugh!

What--what's different from me doing that

than what y'all been doing?

You ain't exchanged no vows, man,

make an honest woman out of her.

Am--am I the only one that been down the aisle that tripped up?

Yup.

Look, Malik, if y'all don't wanna get married,

that's your prerogative.

But you got examples from three of the best men to ever do it.

Who's the third?

I see two on the couch.

[music]

[music]