All language subtitles for Tyler Perrys House of Payne - S11E09 - Woman To Woman WEBDL-1080p_track3_[eng]

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Original subtitles

- This is so crazy.

- Yeah.

- Everything looks so real.

- Yeah, I've tried to tell you. VR is the future.

- What's this little furry thing?

- [screams]

- Baby, calm down. It's not real.

- Get it off me! Get it off me!

- Baby, it's not real.

- Hey! Hey, what in the hell is going on in here?

Can hear you screaming in the driveway.

- I'm sorry, Mr. Payne.

It's just-- that VR stuff is scary.

- VR? What the hell is that?

- Yes, virtual reality, okay?

Instead of playing a game in front of a screen

with a controller, it puts you in the game.

- Puts you in the game?

How could this be scary?

Ain't nothing but some fancy glasses.

- Mister Payne. I wouldn't do it.

My heart is still beating out of my chest.

- Put them on for yourself. Check them out.

- Okay.

Well, I mean, now what?

I'm in the game.

What is it?

Whoa.

Wow.

- Yeah.

- I can hear the birds singing.

Wow.

Holy cow.

Whoa, whoa.

That grizzly feels real.

It smell real, too. - Hey.

- That's a wild animal.

- Dad, that's me.

Take them off.

- Oh. Oh, I'm sorry, son. - Yeah.

- Smell a little gamey there.

- [laughter]

- Well, I probably smell like

that because I walked home from work.

- What happened?

Somebody bullying you?

Do I need to talk to somebody?

You could tell me anything.

- No.

- Sorry.

I've been practicing for MaLisa get older.

- Oh, okay.

No, none of that happened.

I had to walk just to clear my mind.

My boss wants me to create

a fundraiser for low income people facing petty drug charges

to help them with their legal fees.

- Hey, if you can't do the time, don't do the crime.

- Dad, these are petty crimes, okay?

Just like two, three grams of marijuana.

I mean, they're not drug cartels.

- Oh, so you're helping people

that got enough money to have a weed habit but not a lawyer,

- Dad, now, come on, are you serious?

The world isn't that black and white.

- So in your world,

it's okay to break laws that you don't agree with?

- Wow... - Okay, well,

since that's the case, I'm going to go back over here

to my world, virtual reality world.

- Okay.

- Where things are much different.

- Sure.

- Look at that.

Yeah. Uh-huh.

[mock dog barking]

Roll over.

Whoa! He's eating my face! He's eating my face!

- I told you.

- So, the festival is going to help raise money

for low-level drug offenders and their legal fees,

and we're recruiting food vendors for the venue.

- That is a wonderful idea, Malik.

- Thank you.

- That's going to help so many people.

- And when them potheads get the munchies.

They're gonna love my barbecue.

- You know, the people attending the festival aren't addicts.

- Malik, you never know how God gonna bless.

- Curtis.

How many drug addicts do you know

that have extra money for festivals?

- You got a point.

Unless you're taking TVs for admission.

- When are you holding the event?

- Well, we're actually still working on a permit right now,

but we were hoping to host it in Piedmont Park next month.

- If you need any help, just let me know.

- Thank you, Auntie Ella.

I appreciate that.

- Hello?

- Okay, something must be wrong with my hearing

'cause I did not hear a knock.

- Oh, I'm sorry, Pops. I'm just, I'm just excited.

- Excited about what? - Well, Christian,

my offspring just earned Student of the Year.

- Christian is Student of the Year?

- And the quarterly award ceremony

is at the end of the month.

- Well, you know, the boy takes after his grandpa.

I mean, intelligence and good looks run in my family.

- Well, Christian doesn't even know yet,

but he's going to be so excited, and I got him an autographed,

Victor Michael's Jersey to congratulate him.

- Oh, okay.

- The running back from the Condors?

You got him a signed Vic Monster Michael's Jersey?

- Yes. My sorority sister

works in the Condors publicity Department.

So, she hooked me up.

- Oh, let me see. - Ah-ah.

- Ow. - Don't be touching

my boy's memorabilia. - [chuckles]

- I don't know much about football,

but, um, I hear Victor Michaels is pretty popular.

- Oh, please. The man has broken every stat that matters.

I mean, they call him Monster Michaels

'cause he hit so hard, nobody want to tackle him.

Matter of fact, some say he reminded 'em of a young me.

- So does that mean he likes to

drink beer and fall asleep in his recliner?

- [chuckles]

- Laura, Christian is going to love this Jersey.

- And if he doesn't,

I will surely be happy to take it off his hands.

- Now, we need to have a party for Christian

this weekend to celebrate him.

- Yeah.

- I hope Miranda can make it, since it's so late notice.

All righty, then.

Am I the only one who thinks we can have a celebration

for Christian and not invite his Mama?

- She carried him.

You good?

- I mean... yeah... Of course.

- Now, Curtis, if you and I were divorced, you know you would

want to be included on anything done for your child.

- I don't know about that Ella.

I mean, if you and I were divorced,

I probably woulda already moved on with my new life by now.

- Oh, really?

- Yes, really.

I mean, how long do you expect all this to be on the market?

How long? How long?

You better hold on to what you got, baby.

- Whoa, stop!

I just finished mopping the floor, it's still wet.

- Okay, well, how long am I supposed to wait to eat lunch?

- Till it dries.

- Well, can you toss me an apple or something?

Man, I'm starving.

Goodness.

Thank you.

- So...

How did your "Free the Weed Heads" thing go?

- Dad, it's not about freeing weed heads, all right?

It's about justice reform.

- That's exactly what a weed head would say.

- Well, if you must know, it's actually not going well at all.

I can't get the permits for the park

on the day that I need it, it's booked.

- Well, reschedule it then. - I can't, man.

It's booked for the next seven months.

Who knew Piedmont Park was so popular

with anyone else besides homeless and pigeons?

- Guess the jailbirds'd have to find some other way to get out.

- Look, Dad, it's not funny at all, okay.

I had a really great idea to bring a lot of people together,

and now it's just going all down a drain.

Wait a minute.

I don't need a park to raise money.

- What are you thinking? - Yeah, sure.

Like I'm going to tell you, all you're going to do is laugh.

- [laughter]

- You all right son?

Come on, man. How am I not supposed to laugh at that?

Come on now, get your big ass up.

- Not gonna help me?

- I gotta mop that part of the floor all over again.

Excuse me.

- Oh gosh, man. That's what you care about?

- Uh-uh. No, thank you.

- [laughter]

- Look at this.

- "Ten Ways to Please your Man."

- Hi, baby.

- Well, that's good, baby.

It's good to see you doing little homework.

You invested in research.

- Curtis please,

you would not do any of these suggestions in here.

- Well try me. Let's see the new ways you will please me.

- Okay, all right.

Question number one.

You want to take a bubble bath together?

- Both of us roll around in dirty water.

That's nasty, baby.

- Okay, what about making love in the rain?

- Baby, at your age, you don't need to mess around

with getting pneumonia like that.

- Curtis.

Okay, number three.

Ahh.

How about eating food off your body?

- Okay, we can do that. - Curtis.

- That can be done.

As long as you don't mind little hair.

- [laughter] - In your entree.

- [laughter]

- All of these articles, all of them.

It just make me think about problems we do not have.

- I know that's right.

- Hello. - Hello, hello.

- Curtis. They did not knock again.

- Yeah, I'm over it. I'm over it.

- We picked up some things for Christian's party tomorrow.

- Oh. - Yes.

He is going to be so excited.

I cannot wait to see the look on his little face.

He's going to be so surprised.

- Baby, when is the next time it's supposed to rain?

I got an idea.

- Uh, no.

No.

- No, no. - [knock at door]

- I'll get it ma.

I want to see that. - No, you don't wanna see this.

- Hi. - Miranda, what brings you by?

The party is not until tomorrow.

- Yeah, I know. Um, I actually just stopped by

to return this because I will never let Christian have this.

- That was a great idea,

inviting Sister Wives to the party tomorrow.

I'm sure everyone is going to get along just great.

- What are you doing? This is a gift for Christian.

- Yeah, and I don't want him to have Monster Michael's Jersey.

- Okay, what is wrong with Vic Michaels?

- Yeah, I mean,

I pulled a lot of strings to get Christian that Jersey.

- The problem is, Monster really is a monster.

He has been convicted of domestic battery twice.

- That was five years ago.

- I do not care.

I don't want our son looking up to a man like that.

- Miranda, I understand how you're feeling.

I don't follow sports, so I didn't know any of this

before I got Christian that Jersey.

- Actually, this is not a regular Jersey.

It's a game one.

That means it's worth a lot of money.

So I'll hold this for y'all.

Figure that out.

- The money doesn't matter to me,

but I would appreciate it in the future

if you consulted with me before you bought Christian anything.

I am his mother, okay? Thank you.

- Well, I cleared it with his father.

So, don't blame me because you're feeling insecure.

- Oh-ho-ho-oh...

- Miranda. Miranda. - No, no, no, no.

- Laura, let it-- baby, let it go.

- Oh, Calvin, just let them work this out.

- No, no baby, don't let it go. Don't let it go.

Please, please. I'm listening.

Please explain to me how I am insecure.

Because where I'm standing right now,

you are having my leftovers.

Well, I am still having fun choosing from the menu.

- Well, you better order a drink, because you're thirsty.

- All right, okay, that's enough.

That is enough. This is ridiculous.

You two need to work out your little differences

once and for all.

- No we don't. I'm good.

- No, Miranda.

Calvin and Laura are together now,

and from the looks of things, that's not gonna change.

- Baby. Baby, don't stop them.

This is healthy. Let them get this out.

- Curtis, not now.

And Laura,

this here is the mother of one of my grandbabies.

She has given Curtis and I

one of the best gifts we could ever ask for, a grandbaby.

And for that, she will always be in our lives.

As long as Christian is around, she will be around.

I am not going to deal with this crap

between the two of you for the rest of my life.

Work it out.

Work it out now.

- Do you want to take this outside?

- No, no, no, no, no, don't take it to the street.

She's got hands.

- Baby, I think she meant

to take it outside so we can talk woman to woman.

That is what you meant, right?

- I promise, no punches,

but you don't want to catch these hands.

- Curtis.

- Look, over the past years,

arrests typically involve simple drug possession offenses,

which account for about 90% of all drug arrests.

So that means out of 1.5 million drug arrests,

approximately 1.3 million of them.

They are not drug kingpins or major dealers

or even cartel members.

They are just average citizens like you and me.

- Yeah, these statistics are crazy.

- Yeah, Malik has been telling me all about it.

I was surprised how many people who never hurt nobody

are in jail over weed.

- Yeah, my son is smart.

- Yeah, my baby is smart.

- And then we get into the racial disparities.

I mean, 59% of people that are in federal prison

for marijuana related charges are Latino,

and on average, black people are over three times more likely

to be arrested than white people for marijuana possession,

and in some states, it's as high as ten.

So, look, all we're asking is for a small donation.

So with your help, like I said, just a small donation.

It can go a long way into breaking this constant cycle.

- Miranda, I didn't mean to step on your toes

with the whole Jersey thing.

I mean, if I've known you were going to have a problem with it.

I wouldn't have gotten it for Christian.

- That's the problem.

There is a woman raising my son that doesn't know how I think.

- Not by myself.

I mean, his Daddy's right there.

- How do you think I feel...

when Christian is with you guys?

He has a mom and a dad,

and that is something that I can't give him.

- Look, I get it, okay?

But I can't help that Calvin and I are together.

- Actually, you could have.

But you didn't.

- Okay, look, uh, Miranda, what's done is done, okay.

And you're going to feel however you're going to feel about that.

But I want you to know that

I also love Christian, and I want the best for him, too.

- Well, that's good to know.

And um...

apparently we are going to have to figure this out and get along

for Christian's sake and the family's sake.

But I do have some ground rules.

- Okay.

- You see any blood yet?

I put my money on Miranda.

- Not that I can see.

And who did you bet with?

- Oh, I just bet with myself in my head.

Keeps me out of trouble.

- I wouldn't bet against Miranda.

What? I know how strong she is.

- Well, it looks like they're just talking,

so hopefully it's going well.

- I pray that those two can straighten out their differences

just for the sake of peace.

- Here they come.

- Move out the way...

- That's why cats make that kind of noise when they have sex.

The first thing that popped in my head.

- I oughta pop you in your head.

- So, how it go?

- Well, um,

pretty good.

We've come to an understanding.

- The more people that Christian has to love and protect him,

the better.

- I knew you two were going to be okay.

- See, y'all didn't pull hair or throw blows or nothing?

- Of course not, Mr. Curtis.

- We would not disrespect your house like that.

- Oh, man.

Now I owe myself money.

- Ignore him.

He needs help.

So since you guys came to an understanding,

can Christian keep the Jersey?

- No, Calvin, the man is a woman beater.

- Yeah, and he averages for 105 yards a game.

- Christian cannot keep the Jersey okay.

I'm returning it to my soror in the morning, that's that.

But the good news is she can get

us an autographed Simone Biles picture.

- Simone Biles? - Yes.

- Yes. What is wrong with Simone Biles?

She is an equally famous athlete, and I would be honored

if Christian chose her as a role model.

- But she's a gymnast.

- What's wrong with a gymnast?

Is he always this closed minded?

- Sometimes it takes him a little while to get it.

- Isn't this beautiful?

Christian is going to get love from the two of them.

- And Calvin's going to get headaches from the two of them.

- Hey, good job today, man.

I'm proud of you. - Thanks, Dad.

- Yeah, for real.

You know, you came up with a vision, and then when it

didn't work out, you know, you came up with another plan

that was just as good and-- yeah, uh,

you impressed me today.

- Well, it was you that always told me to think on my feet.

- Yeah, I did, didn't I. - Yeah.

- Yeah, man. Uh...

I'm uh--

I'm impressed with the man you're becoming.

- Well, thanks, Dad.

Uh, can I borrow $20 until payday?

- Spoke too soon.

- ♪

- ♪

- ♪

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