All language subtitles for Tyler Perrys House of Payne - S11E02 - Major Payne WEBDL-1080p_track3_[eng]

- Come on Lisa.
You're tripping.

I didn't do anything.
I swear.

- Ssh, ssh, ssh, ssh.

- I saw you with my own
two eyes kissing her.

- Malik, you are not out
in these streets doing dirt,

are you?

That's not you.

- He did it.

- In her dream.

How can you get mad at me about
something that's happening

in your dream?
Make it make sense.

- You're not gonna try to
make me sound crazy.

- Okay, wait, he cheated
in your dream?

- Mmhmm.

And what is done in the
dark will come to light.

I got the great gift of sight
from my great grandmother.

- Oh, is this the same
great grandmother

who got ran over by
a ice cream truck?

She can see me cheating, but
she can't see oncoming traffic?

- I told you once before it's
the ice cream truck music.

- Oh.

- [sighs]

- What's up Dad,
you good?

- I made the mistake of playing
the twins in basketball.

One of them kept fouling me and
every time I missed a shot,

the other one kept calling
me Lebron Lame.

- [laughs] I taught
him that.

- Oh, that was you?
- Yeah.

- Hey, this college catalog
came for you in the mail.

- Ugh!
- What's wrong?

I thought you'd be excited
to start community college.

- I'm good.

- If that's your
I'm good face

I'd hate to see your
woe is me face.

- What's the big deal?

I mean, all you do is see
what you want to study

and pick those classes.

- Yeah, well, it's
not that easy.

- Yeah, I know college
can be overwhelming,

but you just have to
look at it like a buffet.

- Oh, this is about to
make no sense.

- Hey, listen, you just
eat little bits at a time

and then when your plate
is full you just take a break.

- You know what? Actually
that does make sense.

- But listen, you gotta get
out before you have to pay

because student loans, ooh
girl, will have you bloated.

- That took a turn
for the worse.

- Babe, it's actually fun
to pick new classes

and thinking about
all the new things

that you're gonna learn.

- How am I supposed
to know what to do?

What if I choose
the wrong thing

and lose two years
of my life and my money?

- Getting an education
is never a waste of time

- And you know what they say,
if you do something you love,

you'll never work
a day in your life.

So try to figure out
what you like to do.

- Can I get a job
staying in bed?

- Yes, and you don't
need a degree,

but instead of
getting an HMO,

you make get an STD.

♪♪

- Hmm, what about dance?

Oh no, you've already
mastered that.

You'd probably teach
them a thing or two.

Hmm.

Oh there's horticulture.

North American studies.

There's African American
studies.

Um, Latino American studies.

There is Native American
studies.

- You know Lisa, you can be
whatever you want to be.

- That's the problem.
I don't know what that is.

- Well, what would
you do every day

if you had all the
money you ever wanted?

- Count my money.

How did you know
what you wanted to do?

- Well, I wanted to be of
service.

When I used to show
up at people's houses,

it was 'cause I wanted
to help people.

I like helping people.

- That's why I used to like
working the champagne room.

I mean, it felt good being the
best part of somebody's day.

I still read my Yelp reviews.

- Oh baby, please.

- Did I say something
inappropriate?

- Like a stripper
pole in a church.

- Well, maybe you should
be an entrepreneur.

Look, how about
a business class?

- That might not
be a bad idea.

I mean, I did help
the club manager

cook his books
for the IRS.

- Don't overthink it.

If it feels right, just
do what feels good.

You like taking
care of people.

What about
being a doctor?

- Mhm.

Dr. Lisa Payne.

- Yes, yes!

I love taking other
people's money.

Could you pay
me in small bills

so it feels like
it's more than it is?

- How do you miss
a 17-yard field goal

is what I want to know.

- I can answer your question
after I count my paper.

Now pay up, you loser.

- Well, my wallet is
in my jacket.

Oh.

- CJ!
CJ, wake up! CJ!

Calvin, call 9-1-1.

- Hello, 9-1-1?

We need emergency
medical attention right now.

- Did someone call
for a doctor?

- Yay!

- Dr. Lisa, thank
goodness you're here.

- There's no time
for an ambulance.

I'll have to do
the surgery here.

Agh, I can't.

I hate the sight of blood.

- What?

- So you're gonna let
a little blood stop you?

- It's everything else too.

I mean, I don't
want to know

what the insides
of people look like.

Gross.

- You know, there are
other things you can be.

You don't have to go
into the medical field.

- Like what?

I'm a grown-up
and I don't know

what I want to be
when I grow up.

- Even Peter Pan
had a resume.

You gotta figure
something out.

- That's right.

Because my house is not
Never, Never Leave Land.

- So I could pick any
major in that book?

- Yep, you can take every class
in here if you would like.

- That's nice.

I mean, it's like a christmas
wish list for grownups.

Well, just where do you
see yourself in two years?

- If I worked at the Psychic
Hotline, I can answer that.

- Okay, well, what else
do you have to think about

in college, but
your future?

- Drink, party,
have some sex.

Well, that's why
[unintelligible].

- Mmhmm.

- Malik, I want my
money back.

All of it.

Books, room, board,
the whole thing.

- Oh no, I wasn't
talking about me.

That's what everybody
else was doing.

I did my homework
and read the Bible.

- I know you're lying, but it
makes me feel good to hear it.

- Okay, listen, Lisa, just
forget about the catalog.

Okay?

And just think
about your future.

- Yeah, think about
your future.

- Where my dinner
at, woman?

- I'm making it as
fast as I can.

- You better 'cause I
need some loving.

The sooner you finish my food
and cleaning this kitchen,

the sooner I can get dirty.

Come on, now.

- Babe, I've been thinking.

- Oh, you're doing that
thinking stuff again?

I told you about that.

You'll get yourself in trouble.

- I don't mind
cooking for you,

but maybe you can
wash the dishes sometimes.

- And maybe you could
do a little less talking

and a little more cooking.

Okay?

[burps]

Now look, I work and you
take care of the household.

That was the deal. Okay?

I don't know what else
you qualified to do

besides take care of
your man and your babies.

- I could, I could--

- You could, you could,
you could go in there

and stir that pot
before something burns.

Now go on, get in there.

I mean, ain't no better job
in taking care of your man.

This is in high demand.

So you better go on
and get in there

before you get laid off.

[laughs]

- Lisa, I admire you
for going to school

and trying to better yourself.

You're taking charge
of your life

and not just waiting to
see what's gonna happen.

- Absolutely.

- I also agree.

You're gonna have
a great future.

- I still don't know
what I want to be

or what I wanna do.

- Keep thinking.

You're good at winning
arguments with Malik.

Maybe you could
be a lawyer.

- A lawyer.

I demand the release
of my client immediately

and expect a formal apology
on my desk within 24 hours.

If not, I will beat you
so badly in court,

they will need dental
records to identify your body.

Bye.

- Stop playing, Curtis,
stop playing.

- Hey, Mr. and Mrs. Payne.

- What's happening, baby?

Hey, we was just
thinking about you.

I was thinking about you
and wanted to say hi.

Hi.

- Are you okay?
You seem nervous.

- ELLA: Nervous, who!?

I ain't do nothin'.
Why you trippin'?

- It was self-defense.

- That's right.

- Why are you peepin'
in the window?

Are you expecting somebody?

- Well, as a matter of fact,
well, you see it, um,

might be a little company
stop by to see Ella.

- Who?

- The police.
- What?

- Yeah, the po-po.

One time.
Five-oh.

- I know who the police are.

Why are they looking
for Ms. Ella?

- See, uh, it was a
little misunderstanding

down at the church, involving
a pistol and a backslider.

Pop, pop.

Imma need a good lawyer.

I really need you
to represent me.

You know how folks
do people like us.

Mmm.

- That's what I do.

I protect innocent people
and keep them out of jail.

- What about
the guilty people?

- Excuse me?

- What about the
guilty people?

- She's guilty like a naked man
in a girl's locker room guilty.

- The worse thing is, mm,
I kinda enjoyed it.

I could walk up and
I could do it again.

- Killing people?

- Heck yeah!

Oh my god.

[shivers]

It gave me a rush.

- Calm down, baby.

You know how it get every time
you get a new hobby.

You throw yourself into it
and take up all your time.

Yesterday, it was needlepoint.

Today, it's homicide.

- Homicide?
- Just this Aunty Ell',

I need to beat this rap.

- You just told me you
would kill someone again.

- I'll do that.
I'll do that.

- That is attorney/client
privelege.

That means you can't
say nothing to nobody.

- Pop, pop.
- [police sirens]

- Pop, pop, pop, pop.

- What the hell?

- [unintelligible]
- We all right. We got this.

- Okay.

- We got this, baby.
- You got me or not?

C-c-come on,
you got me or not?

- I,I,I,I--

I'm starting to think
I don't want to get

guilty people
out of jail.

- Well, baby, you got
to decide on something.

- The quicker you decide,
the faster you can start

learning new things.

- I know.

But I'm starting to think
maybe college isn't for me.

- ♪

- Baby, uh, you might
be overreacting.

- I don't think so.

- Yeah, I think you're stressing
and you're not thinking clearly.

- I think I am.

I'm thinking clearer
than cheap Tupperware.

- Wow!

This school has everything.

From aeronautics to cosmetology.

Oh, a veterinary technician.

Even general sciences.

- You know what, they
actually are recruitting

more women to
go into science.

- What?
- Yeah.

- Me? A scientist?

- Boy, sit down.

You're gonna wear
a hole in the floor.

- I'm worried about my dad.

I wish he hadn't volunteered
for Lisa's science study.

- Lisa is the most brilliant
scientist in the world.

Curtis is in good hands.

Woo-hoo-hoo.

Here they come.
Here they come.

- Ah, Curtis.

Curtis, oh Curtis.

- See, I told you I'd bring
Uncle Curtis back in one piece.

- [laughter]

- Curtis, how do you feel?

What are you wearing?

- Ella, I feel exquisite.

I'm a little fatigued
from so much reading.

- Hey, Pops, you wanna
watch the game?

- Maybe later, Son.

I'm excited to attend the
Langston Hughes Symposium

which is downtown.

And then later I will go to
the Marcus Garvey lecture,

which I've been invited to.

You must come, Son.
Please attend with me.

- Lisa, what did
you do to him?

I want my dad back.

- Uncle Curtis helped me
complete

my intelligence suppository.

Once inserted, the user's
intelligence quotient triples.

- I'm sorry, your
intelligence what?

- Suppository.

After several clinical trials
I found this delivery method

most efficient.

- So, you made
him smarter

by sticking a pill
up his dumb ass?

- No, no, Son.

I feel like I've only discovered
that I have so much more life

left to yet discover.

- Yes.

- But you struck the
proverbial nail on the head.

Once I opened my
mind to the process,

I was transformed into
this brilliant heap of humanity.

- Ah.

- That stands before you.

- Well, you a heap of something.

Can you please turn him back?

I want my old Curtis back.

I want my old Curtis back.

- I'm sorry to
disappoint y'all,

but I'm starting to think
college isn't for me.

- They do have
dental hygiene.

- There's nothing
wrong with that.

I mean, a lot of
successful people

don't go to college,
nowadays.

- You told me I
had to go to college.

- You're built differently, Son.

Lisa's got hustle in her blood.

- Well, what's in my blood?

- Don't, don't throw
me a softball, Son.

Your self-esteem
can't handle it.

Lisa, we support you.

Take your time.

Think about it, you know,
before you make any decisions.

- Well, I know I'm
gonna finish school.

No matter how long it takes
or how much money it costs you.

- That's exactly what
I'm afraid of.

- ♪

- Hey, Imma make
a grilled cheese.

You want one?
- Nah, I'm good.

I think I'm starting to
become lactose intolerant.

Last time I ate dairy,
it was like my ass

was a drive-by shooting.

- You know, I was
sleeping next to you

and then I had a dream that
Gabrielle Union was kissing me.

And then, the next minute
I had a nightmare

that she was trying to
choke me in a porta potty.

- So, you are creeping
in your dreams.

- You serious?

- [laughs]
I'm joking.

- Oh, whew.

I thought your crazy
had reached a new level.

- My what?

- Oh, nothing.
I didn't say nothing.

So, uh, this is really
important to you, huh?

- This is just words
on a piece of paper

with some pictures and
it could change my life.

- Yeah.

- I wanna go to
community college.

I wanna go to
community college,

a four year college,
get my PHd

and then get my masters.

- That's a little out of
order but, I get you.

- You think like your dad?

That I can do
whatever I want to?

- I really do.

As long as you have
a strong support system

like this family, you
can do anything.

- Thanks, Babe.

- You're welcome.

You know what?

You can do all of that and get
a job and we've got your back.

- I don't want a job.
I want a career.

I want to be somebody
our kids can look up to.

- If you wanna go
to college, I got you.

I support you 100 percent.

We'll make it work, baby.

- Thanks, babe.

- FEMALE: The male lion can
mate up to 100 times a day.

- Damn, who's got
that kind of time?

- FEMALE: The act of mating
lasts only 17 seconds.

- Oh, they definitely talking
about some young cats.

- Are you busy?

- Just looking at the lions
do the unmentionable.

- [audience laughter]

- So, I been thinking.

- Alright.

Let's hear it.

- Okay.

I've been thinking
and I'm terrified.

- It's called fear
of the unknown.

- I just never had people
like y'all in my life before.

- Crazy?

- Courageous.

- Oh.

I got four kids under my roof.

Two are grown and
two are gremlins.

And my wife is
the invisible woman.

- I was going to college
to better my life

but y'all already
doing that.

- So, you're not going?

- Oh, I'm going
and I'm going strong.

And I'm not stopping
until y'all calling me

Dr. Lisa Payne PhD, DDD,

MSBS, DJD,

EBT, BBD.

- Okay.

And I appreciate you wanting to
get the whole alphabet in there.

Yes.

But, uh, let's, let's
take it one step at a time.

- I will.

- And, uh, let me
know what I can do.

You know, so that we can help.

- Well, since I'll be in school
and Malik will be in school too,

we're gonna need Paw-paw
to watch the baby, a lot.

- No.

- No?

- Absolutely not.

- Okay.

I'm sorry I asked.

- No one will ever
call me Paw-Paw.

Now, my grandbaby,
could call me Grandpop

when she's sitting
on my lap, you know,

'cause that's what we do.

- Thanks, Mr. Payne.

- CJ: Yeah, and do me a favor.

- Anything.

- Don't graduate
before Malik.

His self-esteem
can't handle it.

- Okay.

- Thank you.
He a little slow.

I mean, that's my guy,
but he a little slow.

- ♪

- Hey, babe,
how was work?

- [sighs] A businesswoman's
work is never done.

If I have to buy low and
sell high one more time.

- Well, your day is over,

my hard-working professional.

- Aw.

- Dinner is served.
- Thanks, honey.

- You're welcome.

- Hello, darlings.

Greetings.

- Hello, Miranda.
- Hello.

- How is the fur
treating you?

- Oh, it is absolutely
amazing.

I can't belive you
grew this in a lab.

It feels so expensive.

- Well, we can aford it.

Who knew creating an
app would make me

the richest woman
in America?

- Right.

Who knew Tinder for Pets
would take off the way it did,

and so many people have pets
that just wanted to hook up?

- Ah, look at us.

Dad, would be so proud.

- Please, he's too busy
enjoying the yacht

we bought him to care.

- [laughing]

- ♪

- Those kids are
gonna be alright.

- ♪

- ♪

- ♪

- ♪