Original subtitles

- Mr. Whitaker!

Mr. Whitaker, I'm flattered.

- Aunt Ella! - But I am a married woman.

- Aunt Ella?

What you got going on? - What? What is it?

- All I wanted to tell you

is that my mom's coming home early from her trip,

and everybody's going over to the house today.

- Oh, that's great. She's coming?

I can't wait to see her. - So, what are you gonna cook?

- For what?

- For the surprise celebration dinner.

- I just woke up.

I'm surprised you think I'm going to cook, honey.

- Alright, that's fine, I'll cook,

I'm sure I can whip up something in there.

- Oh, no no! Don't you go in my kitchen.

You got your good looks from your daddy,

and your culinary skills from your momma.

Salmonella will not be on the menu today.

- Alright, so that means you'll do it?

- I'll do it. - Yes!

Good. How did my dad know that would work?

- Ella, he just said Janine's coming over.

- Coming home early, yes Curtis, you're late,

we already know that, baby.

- Well then, we got to make her a celebration dinner,

coming home early dinner.

- I had no idea that you were so in tune

with a woman's needs.

- So, what you cooking?

- Well, this is a celebration Curtis,

so I'll just make a spread.

- There we go.

- Tell me what you want.

- How about some beans? - How about some greens?

- Potatoes? Tomatoes? - Ham, ram, hogs, dogs.

- ♪ You name

- ♪

- So, for Janine's surprise party, you know, I was...

I was thinking...

What is with this new look?

- You like it?

- I mean, if you're going for the 1960s "Good Housekeeping".

- I broke down at the Goodwill,

and would you believe I've been shopping

at a flea market all this time?

- So, what's the makeover for?

You trying to show Malik a different look?

- Malik? Please.

I wear Saran Wrap, and he's happy.

But, I'm not saying I be walking around here

with Saran Warp on, when we by ourselves.

- Remind me to only get aluminum foil from now on.

- We tried that, he break out in a little rash.

- Well, if the makeover's not for Malik,

then who's it for?

- Mrs. Payne.

You see, I want her to see a new Lisa and like me.

- That means a lot to you, huh?

- Yup.

My baby gonna mess around and be a Huxtable

growing up in this family. - Not in this family.

- Now for the surprise.

I was thinking I could cook a special dinner.

- [laughs]

Listen, can't nobody in this house cook.

- No, see see, when I wasn't on the stage,

I was taking orders and preparing appetizers.

That's where the money at.

That's how I saved up enough money

to go to community college.

- Sounds like you graduated from Hustlers University.

- Hey! I get it off the muscle.

Mrs. Payne ain't gonna like that though, huh?

- Hey! You'll find out when she gets here.

- I just don't know. Do that then.

Curtis.

I don't know why I agreed to cook this dinner

when I have a barbecue caterer living here.

- Oh baby, I run a business,

and I don't do soup kitchen stuff.

- You can still cook- - I take orders.

- You can still bar-- - I don't let people

just tell me to cook and then I cook.

- But you want me to cook?

- Hey Ella, I would never stand in the way

of your ministry, baby. You know that.

- "Tell him how you feel with love."

- Ella, Ella, Ella? - Yes, baby?

- What are you doing? You're texting.

- Curtis-- - Don't you need to focus

on Janine's dinner?

Come on baby, it's a big deal. You texting and doing that

you know you can't do a bunch of stuff at one time.

You gonna burn yourself like you always do.

- Curtis! Why don't you run to the store

and get me some wine?

- "Then raise your voice." - ELLA: Curtis!

- "Let her hear you."

- "Face to face, give it to him."

- "Go on then, do what you gotta do."

- Curtis? - Exclamation point.

- When are you going to the store?

When are you going to the store?

- Baby, I'ma go, I'ma go right after I finish

helping Calvin with this situation.

- Well, why does he need your advice?

- Because I know how to argue with somebody

and ruin their life.

- Who is he arguing with?

- Whoever it is, he gonna meet them face-to-face.

- Curtis, did he say, he said "face-to-face?"

- CURTIS: Yeah, he said they gonna meet face-to-face.

- Curtis, Calvin is talking to Miranda.

She texted me for advice about confronting an old lover.

- Is that who he beefing with?

That's who he's beefing with! - ELLA: Curtis...

What did you tell him to do?

- What'd you tell her to do?

- You heard me, I told her,

"Tell him how you feel with love."

- Okay, if she playing it cool,

and I got him playing it hot,

me and you just created a text tornado.

- Okay, call him.

Stop him, call him, and I will call her.

- BOTH: Straight to voicemail!

- Oh hell! - Dang!

- Curtis, go.

Go over there and stop this foolishness that you started.

- That I started? - That you started, baby.

- Well, you gave birth to him!

Some of the foolishness is yours, baby.

It takes two to foolishness!

- [coughing] - [door opens]

- Oh, damn.

How's the food coming along?

- Do black thighs matter?

- It's a good thing that my mom loves dark meat.

- She's gonna hate me.

- I don't even know why you're doing this.

- Of course you don't. Look where you live,

look where you grew up.

You don't know what it's like to grind your way out

to a better life.

You grew up with a silver spoon in your mouth.

- Look, actually we were raised with a bent spoon

in our mouth, but that's besides the point.

You really don't know a lot about my family.

- Like what? - C.J.: What's burning?

Lisa? Aww, damn. What happened?

- I thought... broiled meant flame broiled,

like rotisserie.

- That's just ridiculous.

- I thought you said you cooked at the club?

- I did, but like, fried chicken,

fried onion rings, like, fries, fried Twinkies.

- You know, I give it to you, your fried wings are good.

- Ain't they, baby? - They pretty good.

- Why didn't you say

that all you knew how to do was fry stuff?

- Why didn't you tell me you ain't have no fryer

in this big old house?

- You know what? It's okay,

I already talked to Auntie Ella,

she said she was cooking, so we should be fine.

- You knew Auntie Ella was cooking too?

- Yeah, I was gonna tell you that,

as well as some other stuff.

- Oh, it's on and popping!

- Wait, whoa, ain't nobody popping nothing in here, okay?

No popping. - No, no, no,

look, I mean, my food is going head-to-head

with Ms. Ella's, and your momma the judge.

- Oh wow, well, I mean, that's a really delusional

way of looking at it, but okay.

- Babe, I get to cook for both Payne women

in one night.

I am not throwing away my shot!

- What?

- It's a Hamilton reference.

Your momma like show tunes? Please say yes.

- I'll tell you what she doesn't like,

the smell of incinerated chicken in her kitchen.

- Heard.

I need all the skillets and all the grease in this house,

I am cooking my ass off for these queens!

- Lisa, you really don't have to do this.

- But I want to. Get the Saran Wrap.

- Ho! Ho! Ho! Both of you, stay away from the Saran Wrap.

- What is going on in here?

- You know what is going on with the Saran Wrap.

- Oh, she told you about that? Okay.

- [phone alert sounds]

- Oh, my baby done sent me a picture.

- TMI, Dad. Come on.

- From the plane.

"You look beautiful."

"Tell the kids I love them. Hold them tight.

"I love you very much, you are my life.

"Plane is having mechanical problems.

Emergency landing over..." are you...

Oh, god.

- ♪

- I don't know who you've been with lately,

but you not gonna disrespect me.

- And you can take your triflin' ass

back to the streets, 'cause you can't stay here.

You or your kids.

- Okay, wait wait wait, I have one kid, it's just...

One.

- Oh, my bad. I thought it would up the intensity

if I said you were a single mom in a Nissan Maxima full of kids.

- Ooh, okay, okay, that's a good idea. Yeah.

- I appreciate you helping me with this skit.

I really want to make a good impression

on the upper management at work.

- Aw, you know, I am really surprised

that you are into the arts.

Remember that time I tried to take you to the French film?

And you were like, "Don't nobody have time

to read the movie while eating popcorn."

- True, but we all grow. That's what you used to tell me.

- You remembered.

Okay, you want to do it again?

- Oh, no, let's do a action scene now.

- Okay, ready? Okay.

I'll bet your punk ass won't say it again!

- You ain't the boss of me.

- That's right, 'cause I'm my own boss,

and this boss bitch is about to knock your ass out,

Say something else.

- I ain't saying nothing,

'cause I'm calling the police and they gonna

lock your crazy ass up.

You'll never see your child again.

- What? You want to take my baby?

- Oh, you already put your hands on me,

so your child is took.

- You know what?

I got some soldiers that are gonna come see about you.

- Oh, you don't want to go to war with a soldier.

- Well, you ain't a soldier, 'cause your soldiers

ain't even marching.

That's why he ain't even your baby. Hm.

- What?

- Yup, you been taking care of Peanut's baby

all these years.

- My boy? You let my boy hit? When?

- Easter.

- No. - Christmas.

And Mother's Day. - You the devil.

I hate you, Jodie!

And, scene.

- Ella! - ELLA: Curtis!

Oh. - Woo!

Baby, this was rough.

It was rough, Ella! - Curtis?

- It was rough, baby! - What?

Were they fighting when you got there?

- It was so bad, it was so bad.

- Curtis! Calvin hit Miranda?

- No, he wouldn't do that.

- What the... Miranda hit Calvin?

- Clocked. The proper term is clocked, Ella.

- I know that girl did not hit my son.

- Yes, that broad did. - Curtis, stop, stop,

what happened?

- Okay, I don't know if it's about what you told her,

or what I told Calvin, but this thing done went

way sideways, baby, it-- [makes braking sounds]

- I'm not gonna make it. I can't take it,

and I won't make it.

- Baby, they was cussing and yelling,

and yelling and cussing.

They couldn't hear each other.

- What did you see?

- It was more about what I heard.

- What? What did you hear?

- Ella, don't make me do that, baby.

- Curtis, stop-- baby, please.

- Okay, let's just say you got one less grandbaby.

- This cannot be happening.

- Christian's daddy is Peanut.

- Miranda and Peanut?

- And he was conceived on Mother's Day!

- I cannot believe this!

- And I didn't think anyone would,

that's why I took this.

- Miranda and Peanut?

- I put a little Photoshop on it, a little edit.

But that's the picture. That's what happened.

- Curtis, this is bad. - That's real bad,

but that, I put that part in. - Curtis!

I don't like this, Curtis.

Listen, get these pots and pans.

And take them over to C.J.'s house.

- Alright. I got it.

- And I am gonna go over to Calvin's house,

and I'm gonna drag him out of there if I have to.

- Alright, baby.

- Everybody's gonna be over here tonight,

and all of this is gonna be fixed.

It's gonna be handled, tonight.

- I hear you, baby.

- This doesn't make sense. It's gonna be handled, Curtis.

Today!

- Today. I'm gonna go get-- - Curtis, come on, now.

- I'm gonna get the stuff. - Today!

- Okay, baby.

- ♪

- [knocks on door] - CURTIS: Open up!

Open the door! - Okay.

- Hey, hey hey, what's up, good people?

Hey, where do you want me to put your Aunt Ella's dish?

- You can put it right there, next to the--

- Oh, good lord!

What did that chicken do to you?

No wonder black folk don't get along with PETA.

- Well, Lisa's trying to impress my mom,

so she decided to cook.

- Well, please tell her to stop.

- [knock on door]

- Hey. - Hey Malik, how are you?

- MALIK: I'm good. - Hi, Mr. Curtis.

- Hey... Loo Loo...

It's uh... Calvin's... fiancée?

- Yes! That's me!

- Oh yeah. Miranda's ex-friend.

What are you doing here?

- Calvin invited me.

- Calvin knows you're going to be here?

- Uh, yeah.

- Oh, god dog, that boy's creep game is tight!

- His what?

- I said gesundheit. God bless you.

Look, come on, you want something to eat?

- Yes, I'm hungry. - Come on and get some chicken,

before Calvin and them get here.

- Wait wait wait, Calvin and them?

Who's Calvin with?

- Lord, you don't want to know.

- What's wrong with you? Why you acting so anxious?

- Because it's gonna be so many people in one place,

I'm just getting excited. Watching it all unfold.

- You know, you're right. We should make sure

we got enough for everybody, it's gonna be what,

Lisa, Laura, Mom, Dad, Jayden, Hayden--

- Mr. Curtis, Mrs. Ella, and Calvin.

- And Miranda and Christian...

- Wait wait wait,

run that back for me one more time.

- I said, I said, I said Malik.

And Lisa and them, and the kids, all the kids.

- Mr. Curtis, I heard Miranda.

- Um, look, I'm just telling you what Ella told me, okay?

She's going to pick them up. - Them?

So, Calvin is with Miranda right now?

- Now, when you say, "with,"

do you mean in a biblical way?

Or in the "plutonic" way?

- I mean in all the ways, Mr. Payne.

- That's a lot of ways. That's a lot of ways.

I tell you what,

this dish looks real lonely right now.

I'm gonna go to the car and get the other dishes.

- I'll go get it. - I will bust you in your head.

Now you wanna work. - I'm just trying to help you.

- Yeah, I sure appreciate you.

- Mr. Payne, I need you to tell me what you know.

What's going on?

- ♪

- Yes, flight 1911. I called the hotline,

I'm not getting any updates.

Yeah.

Well, can you call me as soon as you hear something?

- Alright Mr. Payne, round two on the chicken.

Look, try these. - Not now, Lisa.

- They microwaved, but they good.

- I can't do this right now. - Oh come on, please.

I just really want your opinion before your wife comes.

- Lisa! It's not a good time. Not right now.

- You know what, I knew this wasn't gonna work.

I knew it, see, every time I try to better myself,

people just crack on me.

- Look, I don't like that language in my house.

- Of course you don't.

Nobody in your family likes anything I say or I do.

Y'all think 'cause you got money y'all better than me.

- I can't have this conversation right now.

- Mr. Payne, I'm a human, I got scars and wounds.

I may be a little damaged, but I'm not staying there.

- Now is not the time!

- You know what? I can't take this.

And you know what?

You can keep your little perfect life

and your perfect kids, and your perfect wife,

I don't need this.

- Look, you don't know me! Alright?

And you don't know what the hell we've been through!

- What are you talking about? - I'm done talking to you!

- I'm sorry, Mr. Payne! You left your phone.

- ♪

- Oh shit. Oh my God.

- LISA: Malik!

Malik!

- Yeah, what's up? What's wrong? What's wrong?

- No no no, she's coming. - Wait, the baby's coming?

- Yes! Now! - Okay, okay, come on.

Take it easy, we're gonna get you to the hospital.

- I called 911. - Okay, okay.

Take it easy, we're gonna get you to the hospital.

- I don't think I'm gonna make it. Call again!

- Okay, I will. Dad! Dad!

- What's all this damn noise?

What the hell is going on down here?

Are you okay? - [doorbell sounds]

- Are you...

Oh my god. - Thank god.

- ♪

- We are going over here, and I know C.J.,

he's gonna be upset,

because I'm gonna come in there like a whirlwind,

and I don't know if I'm gonna,

I don't know how I'm gonna act!

I'm gonna try to speak in love,

but this has got to stop, Curtis,

we've got to get a grip on this!

This family is going crazy! - [phone starts ringing]

- Well baby, before you go over to C.J.'s,

you might want to know what the undercard is over there.

- Curtis, I don't care about what's going on over there.

Everybody over there tonight gonna hear from me.

- You not gonna-- - Curtis, no I'm not

answering that phone!

Stop that. - Lisa's cooking.

- Then that's gonna be the first one I get.

Lisa and Malik.

They gonna stop playing grown up, and be grown up.

- [phone continues ringing]

- Curtis, stop pointing at that phone.

- Is anybody safe in your war path, baby?

- This is not a war path, Curtis.

It's a path to peace and healing.

This family is under attack,

and we are gonna come together, Curtis,

or we are gonna lose each other.

- I hear you baby. - [phone continues ringing]

- Yeah, thank you, that was annoying.

- Curtis!

Malik, what is it, baby? What is it?

What?

Okay, so what did you just... No, no, no, no,

Where's C.J.? No, no, no, no, no, no, no!

No! No! No Curtis, no! God, no!

God, no. God, no. Okay.

I can't... I'm not gonna make it.

God, I'm not gonna make it.

- ♪

- ♪

- ♪