All language subtitles for Tyler Perrys House of Payne - S10E22 - Payneful Suffering WEBDL-1080p_track3_[eng]

- Mr. Whitaker!

Mr. Whitaker, I'm flattered.

- Aunt Ella!
- But I am a married woman.

- Aunt Ella?

What you got going on?
- What? What is it?

- All I wanted to tell you

is that my mom's coming
home early from her trip,

and everybody's going over
to the house today.

- Oh, that's great.
She's coming?

I can't wait to see her.
- So, what are you gonna cook?

- For what?

- For the surprise
celebration dinner.

- I just woke up.

I'm surprised you think
I'm going to cook, honey.

- Alright, that's fine,
I'll cook,

I'm sure I can whip up
something in there.

- Oh, no no!
Don't you go in my kitchen.

You got your good looks
from your daddy,

and your culinary skills
from your momma.

Salmonella will not be
on the menu today.

- Alright, so that means
you'll do it?

- I'll do it.
- Yes!

Good. How did my dad know
that would work?

- Ella, he just said
Janine's coming over.

- Coming home early,
yes Curtis, you're late,

we already know that, baby.

- Well then, we got to make
her a celebration dinner,

coming home early dinner.

- I had no idea that
you were so in tune

with a woman's needs.

- So, what you cooking?

- Well, this is
a celebration Curtis,

so I'll just make a spread.

- There we go.

- Tell me what you want.

- How about some beans?
- How about some greens?

- Potatoes? Tomatoes?
- Ham, ram, hogs, dogs.

- ♪ You name

- ♪

- So, for Janine's surprise
party, you know, I was...

I was thinking...

What is with this new look?

- You like it?

- I mean, if you're going for
the 1960s "Good Housekeeping".

- I broke down at the Goodwill,

and would you believe
I've been shopping

at a flea market all this time?

- So, what's the makeover for?

You trying to show Malik
a different look?

- Malik? Please.

I wear Saran Wrap,
and he's happy.

But, I'm not saying I be
walking around here

with Saran Warp on,
when we by ourselves.

- Remind me to only get
aluminum foil from now on.

- We tried that, he break out
in a little rash.

- Well, if the makeover's
not for Malik,

then who's it for?

- Mrs. Payne.

You see, I want her to see
a new Lisa and like me.

- That means a lot to you, huh?

- Yup.

My baby gonna mess around
and be a Huxtable

growing up in this family.
- Not in this family.

- Now for the surprise.

I was thinking I could cook a
special dinner.

- [laughs]

Listen, can't nobody
in this house cook.

- No, see see, when I
wasn't on the stage,

I was taking orders and
preparing appetizers.

That's where the money at.

That's how I saved up
enough money

to go to community college.

- Sounds like you graduated
from Hustlers University.

- Hey! I get it off the muscle.

Mrs. Payne ain't gonna
like that though, huh?

- Hey! You'll find out
when she gets here.

- I just don't know.
Do that then.

Curtis.

I don't know why I agreed
to cook this dinner

when I have a barbecue
caterer living here.

- Oh baby, I run a business,

and I don't do
soup kitchen stuff.

- You can still cook-
- I take orders.

- You can still bar--
- I don't let people

just tell me to cook
and then I cook.

- But you want me to cook?

- Hey Ella, I would never
stand in the way

of your ministry, baby.
You know that.

- "Tell him how you
feel with love."

- Ella, Ella, Ella?
- Yes, baby?

- What are you doing?
You're texting.

- Curtis--
- Don't you need to focus

on Janine's dinner?

Come on baby, it's a big deal.
You texting and doing that

you know you can't
do a bunch of stuff at one time.

You gonna burn yourself
like you always do.

- Curtis! Why don't you
run to the store

and get me some wine?

- "Then raise your voice."
- ELLA: Curtis!

- "Let her hear you."

- "Face to face,
give it to him."

- "Go on then,
do what you gotta do."

- Curtis?
- Exclamation point.

- When are you
going to the store?

When are you going to the store?

- Baby, I'ma go, I'ma go
right after I finish

helping Calvin with
this situation.

- Well, why does he
need your advice?

- Because I know how to argue
with somebody

and ruin their life.

- Who is he arguing with?

- Whoever it is, he gonna meet
them face-to-face.

- Curtis, did he say,
he said "face-to-face?"

- CURTIS: Yeah, he said they
gonna meet face-to-face.

- Curtis, Calvin is
talking to Miranda.

She texted me for advice about
confronting an old lover.

- Is that who he beefing with?

That's who he's beefing with!
- ELLA: Curtis...

What did you tell him to do?

- What'd you tell her to do?

- You heard me, I told her,

"Tell him how you feel
with love."

- Okay, if she playing it cool,

and I got him playing it hot,

me and you just created
a text tornado.

- Okay, call him.

Stop him, call him,
and I will call her.

- BOTH: Straight to voicemail!

- Oh hell!
- Dang!

- Curtis, go.

Go over there and stop this
foolishness that you started.

- That I started?
- That you started, baby.

- Well, you gave birth to him!

Some of the foolishness
is yours, baby.

It takes two
to foolishness!

- [coughing]
- [door opens]

- Oh, damn.

How's the food coming along?

- Do black thighs matter?

- It's a good thing that
my mom loves dark meat.

- She's gonna hate me.

- I don't even know why you're
doing this.

- Of course you don't.
Look where you live,

look where you grew up.

You don't know what it's like to
grind your way out

to a better life.

You grew up with a silver spoon
in your mouth.

- Look, actually we were
raised with a bent spoon

in our mouth, but that's
besides the point.

You really don't know a lot
about my family.

- Like what?
- C.J.: What's burning?

Lisa? Aww, damn.
What happened?

- I thought...
broiled meant flame broiled,

like rotisserie.

- That's just ridiculous.

- I thought you said you cooked
at the club?

- I did, but like,
fried chicken,

fried onion rings,
like, fries, fried Twinkies.

- You know, I give it to you,
your fried wings are good.

- Ain't they, baby?
- They pretty good.

- Why didn't you say

that all you knew how to do
was fry stuff?

- Why didn't you tell me you
ain't have no fryer

in this big old house?

- You know what? It's okay,

I already talked to Auntie Ella,

she said she was cooking,
so we should be fine.

- You knew Auntie Ella
was cooking too?

- Yeah, I was gonna
tell you that,

as well as some other stuff.

- Oh, it's on and popping!

- Wait, whoa, ain't nobody
popping nothing in here, okay?

No popping.
- No, no, no,

look, I mean,
my food is going head-to-head

with Ms. Ella's,
and your momma the judge.

- Oh wow, well, I mean,
that's a really delusional

way of looking at it,
but okay.

- Babe, I get to cook
for both Payne women

in one night.

I am not throwing away my shot!

- What?

- It's a Hamilton reference.

Your momma like show tunes?
Please say yes.

- I'll tell you what
she doesn't like,

the smell of incinerated
chicken in her kitchen.

- Heard.

I need all the skillets and all
the grease in this house,

I am cooking my ass off
for these queens!

- Lisa, you really don't
have to do this.

- But I want to.
Get the Saran Wrap.

- Ho! Ho! Ho! Both of you,
stay away from the Saran Wrap.

- What is going on in here?

- You know what is going on
with the Saran Wrap.

- Oh, she told you about that?
Okay.

- [phone alert sounds]

- Oh, my baby done
sent me a picture.

- TMI, Dad. Come on.

- From the plane.

"You look beautiful."

"Tell the kids I love them.
Hold them tight.

"I love you very much,
you are my life.

"Plane is having
mechanical problems.

Emergency landing over..."
are you...

Oh, god.

- ♪

- I don't know who you've
been with lately,

but you not gonna
disrespect me.

- And you can take your
triflin' ass

back to the streets,
'cause you can't stay here.

You or your kids.

- Okay, wait wait wait,
I have one kid, it's just...

One.

- Oh, my bad. I thought it
would up the intensity

if I said you were a single mom
in a Nissan Maxima full of kids.

- Ooh, okay, okay,
that's a good idea. Yeah.

- I appreciate you helping
me with this skit.

I really want
to make a good impression

on the
upper management at work.

- Aw, you know,
I am really surprised

that you are into the arts.

Remember that time I tried
to take you to the French film?

And you were like,
"Don't nobody have time

to read the movie while
eating popcorn."

- True, but we all grow. That's
what you used to tell me.

- You remembered.

Okay, you want to do it again?

- Oh, no, let's do
a action scene now.

- Okay, ready? Okay.

I'll bet your punk ass
won't say it again!

- You ain't the boss of me.

- That's right, 'cause I'm
my own boss,

and this boss bitch is
about to knock your ass out,

Say something else.

- I ain't saying nothing,

'cause I'm calling the police
and they gonna

lock your crazy ass up.

You'll never see
your child again.

- What? You want
to take my baby?

- Oh, you already put
your hands on me,

so your child is took.

- You know what?

I got some soldiers that are
gonna come see about you.

- Oh, you don't want to go to
war with a soldier.

- Well, you ain't a soldier,
'cause your soldiers

ain't even marching.

That's why he ain't even
your baby. Hm.

- What?

- Yup, you been taking
care of Peanut's baby

all these years.

- My boy? You let my boy hit?
When?

- Easter.

- No.
- Christmas.

And Mother's Day.
- You the devil.

I hate you, Jodie!

And, scene.

- Ella!
- ELLA: Curtis!

Oh.
- Woo!

Baby, this was rough.

It was rough, Ella!
- Curtis?

- It was rough, baby!
- What?

Were they fighting
when you got there?

- It was so bad,
it was so bad.

- Curtis! Calvin hit Miranda?

- No, he wouldn't do that.

- What the...
Miranda hit Calvin?

- Clocked. The proper
term is clocked, Ella.

- I know that girl
did not hit my son.

- Yes, that broad did.
- Curtis, stop, stop,

what happened?

- Okay, I don't know if it's
about what you told her,

or what I told Calvin,
but this thing done went

way sideways, baby, it--
[makes braking sounds]

- I'm not gonna make it.
I can't take it,

and I won't make it.

- Baby, they was
cussing and yelling,

and yelling and cussing.

They couldn't hear each other.

- What did you see?

- It was more about
what I heard.

- What? What did you hear?

- Ella, don't make me
do that, baby.

- Curtis, stop--
baby, please.

- Okay, let's just say you got
one less grandbaby.

- This cannot be happening.

- Christian's daddy is Peanut.

- Miranda and Peanut?

- And he was conceived
on Mother's Day!

- I cannot believe this!

- And I didn't think
anyone would,

that's why I took this.

- Miranda and Peanut?

- I put a little Photoshop
on it, a little edit.

But that's the picture.
That's what happened.

- Curtis, this is bad.
- That's real bad,

but that, I put that part in.
- Curtis!

I don't like this, Curtis.

Listen, get these pots and pans.

And take them
over to C.J.'s house.

- Alright. I got it.

- And I am gonna go over to
Calvin's house,

and I'm gonna drag him
out of there if I have to.

- Alright, baby.

- Everybody's gonna be
over here tonight,

and all of this is
gonna be fixed.

It's gonna be handled, tonight.

- I hear you, baby.

- This doesn't make sense.
It's gonna be handled, Curtis.

Today!

- Today. I'm gonna go get--
- Curtis, come on, now.

- I'm gonna get the stuff.
- Today!

- Okay, baby.

- ♪

- [knocks on door]
- CURTIS: Open up!

Open the door!
- Okay.

- Hey, hey hey,
what's up, good people?

Hey, where do you want me to put
your Aunt Ella's dish?

- You can put it right there,
next to the--

- Oh, good lord!

What did that chicken
do to you?

No wonder black folk don't
get along with PETA.

- Well, Lisa's trying to
impress my mom,

so she decided to cook.

- Well, please tell her
to stop.

- [knock on door]

- Hey.
- Hey Malik, how are you?

- MALIK: I'm good.
- Hi, Mr. Curtis.

- Hey... Loo Loo...

It's uh...
Calvin's... fiancée?

- Yes! That's me!

- Oh yeah. Miranda's
ex-friend.

What are you doing here?

- Calvin invited me.

- Calvin knows you're
going to be here?

- Uh, yeah.

- Oh, god dog, that boy's
creep game is tight!

- His what?

- I said gesundheit.
God bless you.

Look, come on, you want
something to eat?

- Yes, I'm hungry.
- Come on and get some chicken,

before Calvin and them get here.

- Wait wait wait,
Calvin and them?

Who's Calvin with?

- Lord, you don't want to know.

- What's wrong with you?
Why you acting so anxious?

- Because it's gonna be so many
people in one place,

I'm just getting excited.
Watching it all unfold.

- You know, you're right.
We should make sure

we got enough for everybody,
it's gonna be what,

Lisa, Laura, Mom, Dad,
Jayden, Hayden--

- Mr. Curtis,
Mrs. Ella, and Calvin.

- And Miranda and Christian...

- Wait wait wait,

run that back for me
one more time.

- I said, I said, I said Malik.

And Lisa and them,
and the kids, all the kids.

- Mr. Curtis, I heard Miranda.

- Um, look, I'm just telling you
what Ella told me, okay?

She's going to pick them up.
- Them?

So, Calvin is with
Miranda right now?

- Now, when you say, "with,"

do you mean
in a biblical way?

Or in the "plutonic" way?

- I mean in all the ways,
Mr. Payne.

- That's a lot of ways.
That's a lot of ways.

I tell you what,

this dish looks
real lonely right now.

I'm gonna go to the car
and get the other dishes.

- I'll go get it.
- I will bust you in your head.

Now you wanna work.
- I'm just trying to help you.

- Yeah, I sure appreciate you.

- Mr. Payne, I need you to
tell me what you know.

What's going on?

- ♪

- Yes, flight 1911.
I called the hotline,

I'm not getting any updates.

Yeah.

Well, can you call me as soon as
you hear something?

- Alright Mr. Payne,
round two on the chicken.

Look, try these.
- Not now, Lisa.

- They microwaved,
but they good.

- I can't do this right now.
- Oh come on, please.

I just really want your opinion
before your wife comes.

- Lisa! It's not a good time.
Not right now.

- You know what, I knew this
wasn't gonna work.

I knew it, see, every time I
try to better myself,

people just crack on me.

- Look, I don't like that
language in my house.

- Of course you don't.

Nobody in your family likes
anything I say or I do.

Y'all think 'cause you got
money y'all better than me.

- I can't have this
conversation right now.

- Mr. Payne, I'm a human,
I got scars and wounds.

I may be a little damaged,
but I'm not staying there.

- Now is not the time!

- You know what?
I can't take this.

And you know what?

You can keep your little
perfect life

and your perfect kids,
and your perfect wife,

I don't need this.

- Look, you don't know me!
Alright?

And you don't know what the hell
we've been through!

- What are you talking about?
- I'm done talking to you!

- I'm sorry, Mr. Payne!
You left your phone.

- ♪

- Oh shit. Oh my God.

- LISA: Malik!

Malik!

- Yeah, what's up?
What's wrong? What's wrong?

- No no no, she's coming.
- Wait, the baby's coming?

- Yes! Now!
- Okay, okay, come on.

Take it easy, we're gonna get
you to the hospital.

- I called 911.
- Okay, okay.

Take it easy, we're gonna get
you to the hospital.

- I don't think I'm gonna make
it. Call again!

- Okay, I will.
Dad! Dad!

- What's all this damn noise?

What the hell is
going on down here?

Are you okay?
- [doorbell sounds]

- Are you...

Oh my god.
- Thank god.

- ♪

- We are going over here,
and I know C.J.,

he's gonna be upset,

because I'm gonna come in there
like a whirlwind,

and I don't know if I'm gonna,

I don't know how I'm gonna act!

I'm gonna try to speak in love,

but this has got to stop,
Curtis,

we've got to
get a grip on this!

This family is going crazy!
- [phone starts ringing]

- Well baby, before
you go over to C.J.'s,

you might want to know what
the undercard is over there.

- Curtis, I don't care about
what's going on over there.

Everybody over there tonight
gonna hear from me.

- You not gonna--
- Curtis, no I'm not

answering that phone!

Stop that.
- Lisa's cooking.

- Then that's gonna be
the first one I get.

Lisa and Malik.

They gonna stop playing grown
up, and be grown up.

- [phone continues ringing]

- Curtis, stop pointing
at that phone.

- Is anybody safe
in your war path, baby?

- This is not a war path,
Curtis.

It's a path
to peace and healing.

This family is under attack,

and we are gonna
come together, Curtis,

or we are gonna
lose each other.

- I hear you baby.
- [phone continues ringing]

- Yeah, thank you,
that was annoying.

- Curtis!

Malik, what is it, baby?
What is it?

What?

Okay, so what did you just...
No, no, no, no,

Where's C.J.?
No, no, no, no, no, no, no!

No! No! No Curtis, no!
God, no!

God, no.
God, no. Okay.

I can't...
I'm not gonna make it.

God, I'm not gonna make it.

- ♪

- ♪

- ♪