Original subtitles

- [laughter]

- Right.

Candy.

Candy ha, ha, ha.

Ah, yes.

Alright.

Rice cakes and trail mix?

Even the roaches don't want that.

- [laughter]

- Think, think. Think, think.

I'm glad they got snacks over here.

I ain't got nothing at my house.

Stealing makes you thirsty.

- Floyd, what are you doing? - Nothing.

- Don't tell me you were in here drinking soda.

- Okay, then I won't tell ya.

Look here, why y'all sneaking up on me, huh?

What, y'all trying to kill me?

Who sent you? Hmm?

- Why are you being so paranoid?

- Ain't he always paranoid?

- Look here, I'm just a king trying to protect my kingdom

from intruders trying to steal my loot.

- [laughter]

- Loot? Wait a minute, wait a minute.

Why you wearing a trenchcoat and long-johns?

- Floyd, I think you might be suffering from dementia.

Quick, what's my name?

- Jackass. - [laughter]

- You know what, if he is suffering from dementia,

that would explain why he thinks this is his kingdom.

Don't worry. Uncle Curtis will be back soon.

- Exactly.

And he told me to protect his kingdom from CJ and Calvin.

- Why would he do that? - 'Cause it says it in the text.

Keep Calvin and CJ away from my kingdom.

Dot, dot, dot.

- [bag crinkles]

- Mm. - Oh.

- ♪ ♪

- Well, we'll just see how Aunt Ella feels

about you eating all his junk food.

- Mom. - Ssh.

- Mom, come here. Come here real quick. Mom.

- You ain't never been that loud in your life.

- Wait, why, what?

- Hey Ella, just, you know, just here trying to clean up.

You know, trying to help out around here and everything.

- Really Floyd? - Hmm?

- Where did you get this?

I threw away all of the junk food yesterday.

- I was trying not to make sure that you wasted it.

You know how Curtis is a penny pincher.

- Oh, don't forget the soda that you were guzzling down.

- You know what this, mmm.

Snitches get stitches.

- Floyd, you know what your doctor said.

You have got to watch your cholesterol and blood pressure.

Now, if you're gonna take something,

why didn't you take the rice cakes and the trail mix?

- I can't eat that rabbit food, Ella.

I'll die of starvation.

- I would rather you die of that than to die of a heart attack.

- But look here, at least let me eat that and I'll die happy.

- Floyd. - Look, nobody's dying.

Alright? You're gonna stick to the diet.

Matter fact, Aunt Ella said you were pre-diabetic.

That's serious.

- Look, what is this, gang up on Floyd day, huh?

I'ma be alright.

- Look, well, heart disease is the killer of black men.

So, you're gonna have to fight us on this,

'cause we're not letting up.

- Look, I don't need another doctor, okay? I know my body.

- Alright, then let's get up, let's go out back,

we got a surprise for you. - Oh, must be that new grill.

Now that's what I'm talking about.

Look here, we can put some ribs on it and everything.

- Floyd, we were just talking about eating healthy.

Now, come on back here so we can show you.

- If it ain't about a new grill, I ain't going.

Plus, I gotta catch up on my re-runs.

- Floyd, get up.

Get up, get up, get up.

- Look, I appreciate all y'all's concern and everything.

But look, I'm tough. I got this.

Look, I done survived the Civil Rights Movement,

police brutality, Bush, Trump, and a recount.

- Floyd, that has nothing to do with changing your diet.

Here, take this.

Now listen, you are Curtis's best friend.

I don't know why.

While he is away, it is my job

to make sure that you stay alive and well.

Is this everything?

Is this everything? - Yes.

- No.

And why did you have on that trenchcoat?

Take that off.

And if you're cold, I can turn on the heat.

- Sorry, I just kinda forgot how sexy I looked in this.

- The clue is rosebud.

Citizen Kane!

Miranda? - Yes.

- Come on in, Baby.

- [sighs] - Hi.

- Hey, I am so sorry that I'm late.

I have been just completely swamped at work.

- That's okay. - I've been so busy

I haven't even had time to eat my meal preps.

- I'm just so surprised that you even have time

to pre-cook your meals for the week.

- It's not as time consuming as you think.

I'll just cook like three meats, some sides,

and then I'll alternate meals during the week.

- You only cook once a week? - Yeah.

- Oh, Curtis would never go for that, ever.

I know he doesn't like leftovers.

Unless, it's barbeque. - Ah.

- I caught him one time trying to pour some barbeque sauce

on top of his collards. - What?

- I said, "Man, you better get out of that kitchen."

- I think that we need an intervention.

- [laughs]

- You know, I've actually started cooking

some vegan meals for Christian and I.

- Vegan. - Yeah.

- Oh, that sounds healthy. - It is.

- Yep, but I need me some meat with my meals.

- Okay, you know what, that is an illusion, Miss Ella.

We do not need meat with our meals.

I mean, honestly, that diet is what's been

killing us generationally.

And we have so many healthier options right now.

We have to stop polluting our bodies

with all of the this greasy soul food.

- Well, I can agree with that. - Yes.

- I can agree with that. But I likes my meats.

- [laughs]

Well, would you like me to cook you some meals sometime?

- You know what, why not?

I would like to try and see.

- Okay. - I'll try it.

- And you know what, Miss Ella, I just want to say you know

I really appreciate you picking Christian up for me today.

- Miranda, stop it.

You do not have to thank me for picking up my grandson.

I'm happy to do it. - I know, I do.

- You know that.

- I know, but I still appreciate you

because I can always count on you

even when I can't count on Calvin. Ugh.

I have just--just trying to manage at work.

My assistant is out on maternity leave

and I just have so much to manage.

- Well, it sounds like you need a new assistant.

And I am really wanting to utilize my admin skills again.

- Mm-hmm.

Now, Miss Ella, I know I can use the help

but, you know, technology has changed a lot

since you've been working.

And plus, Calvin would have a fit.

You know that.

He already has a problem with how much

we're around each other. - Miranda.

You must think I went to school with Moses.

I can learn.

You and Jasmine always trying to throw shade.

- Oh.

- Oh yes. Oh yes.

Yeah, I said shade. - Okay.

- I know you didn't think I knew that phrase, huh?

Well, shade.

And don't even worry about Calvin.

I can handle that.

You need some help and I am right here.

- You're right.

I definitely need the help.

- Mm-hmm.

- So, you're hired.

- Yee! Yes, yes, yes!

- When can you start? - Right now.

Right now. Let's do it right now.

- Are you--you sure? You sure, sure?

- Yes. Right now. - Here, here you go.

Handle those emails for me right quick.

I need some coffee. I'm so tired.

- Oh, you get that yourself. - Oh Miss Ella. Okay

- But okay, the phone is locked. Face--what does that say?

- Here. Here, here, here.

I'll open it. Boop, open.

Can I have a sandwich too, Miss Ella?

- Yes, you can have a sandwich.

So, how do I get to, uh...?

- This ain't got no motor?

- Really?

- Weee!

Everything's intact.

Yeah, you know what, I can't do this no more man.

Y'all trying to kill me. - Floyd, it's been two minutes.

- Well, it's one minute too many.

Come on, you gotta ease back into this man.

I ain't had a workout this hard

since the night I conceived my son.

- Yeah, that's the problem.

- Wasn't I a good boss to you, Calvin?

- Of course. If you take away the low wages,

verbal abuse and working conditions, yeah.

- Look, I'll tell you what.

Why don't you run down to American Deli for me

and, uh, get me that Philly cheesesteak...

- Negative, I'm not getting you food that clogs your arteries.

Not on my watch. - I'll give you 50 dollars.

- You know on second thought, you're not my dad,

and uh, one sandwich ain't gonna kill you.

- My man.

- [whistle blows] - Agh!

Stop playin'. What's wrong with you?

- Get your lazy butt up, boy.

Now, I want you to jog in place.

Now. Faster.

Faster.

Faster.

- Calm down, CJ.

- You will address me as Major Payne.

Welcome to my bootcamp class.

Now, stand over here. - Okay.

- Now, when I say go, I want you to do high steps

on these bricks. - Okay, just one second.

Just wait for it.

Alright, I gotta catch my breath, CJ.

- Major Payne, cadet.

- Alright, look. - [blows whistle] Go.

High knees. - [grunts] High knees.

- High knees.

Get them legs up, boy.

Come on, son.

Don't stop. - Get it, get it.

- Don't stop. - Man, come on.

- Okay, stop. - Oh, thank you.

- Catch your breath, son. - Thank you. Whoo.

- Take a breath. - Alright.

- Okay, get started again. There you go.

- Oh, come on, CJ. - [blows whistle]

Let's go. High knees.

- That's how you access the calendar.

- Got that. - Then, that's how

you add a meeting. Got it? - Yes, yes.

- And then, that's how you send a meeting invite.

- Ah. - Yeah.

- I think I'm getting the hang of this.

- [sighs] - Oh, I feel so good.

I feel like I'm being productive again.

- Mm. - Oh, Miranda.

It's like I'm helping you but actually, you're helping me.

- I am so glad to hear that.

I must say, I feel like we are bonding more now

than when me and Calvin were married.

- Yes. - Yes.

- Mom, Floyd is crazy. You know he offered--

- Hey, Calvin. - Hey.

Ma, can I talk to you? - What is it, Calvin?

- Can I talk to you over here? - [sighs] Excuse me, Boss Lady.

- Yeah.

- What is she doing here? - Calvin.

- How am I supposed to get over her

if she's always hanging around.

- I am assisting her with some work

while her assistant is on leave.

She was in a bind. - That's not your problem.

I don't want her hanging around.

- Why? Calvin?

- I knew this was a bad idea.

- I mean, can you believe Ma had Miranda

sitting up there in the kitchen. Talking about I'm her assistant.

- Ella is working for Miranda?

Oh, brotha, that's a bad idea, right there.

- Thank you. I knew you would have my back.

- Look here, I once worked with one of my in-laws.

It was the worst experience of my life.

I still got the stitch marks to show it.

- [blows whistle]

- Alright Floyd, time to get back at it.

- Come on, CJ, man.

Please don't make me work out no more.

Alright, I'll eat right. I won't eat the chips.

I won't eat the fried chicken.

Just please don't make me work out no more.

Bro, I'm tired. - Okay, man.

You did enough for today. - Whew, thank you.

- Alright, you did good Floyd.

- I feel like I been in a ca--a car accident.

- Man, stop being so dramatic.

- And my whole body hurts, man.

It's like, I can't--

I can't breathe.

- Floyd. - Mom!

Come quick. Floyd fainted.

- Floyd.

Floyd. Let me, he's coming around.

- Here.

- Hey, Ella.

What are you doing in Heaven?

- Hey, Floyd. - Aw, damn.

Hey Calvin.

I must be in Hell.

- Floyd. - Oh, why me Lord?

- Stop it. Stop it, Floyd. Stop it.

- [whines] - Stop it, stop it, stop it.

You scared us today.

- I don't know what happened.

I mean, I just got light-headed and I blacked out.

- You have exhaustion.

And your blood pressure's still high.

You need to change your diet. - Yeah, Floyd.

You're like a second father to me.

I can't imagine you not being here.

- I'm trying but I-- I just can't eat

those rice cakes and that salad.

It's nasty.

- Floyd, just take it easy.

Miranda came up with a great idea.

- Well, I, um, I told Miss Ella that I could come up

with some tasty and healthy recipes for you.

- What and poison me?

Miranda, you know you can't cook.

- Floyd. - She can't.

- Yes she can.

- I've really been working hard at this.

I'm a good cook now.

- That's not what Curtis used to say.

- You really think you can help him?

- Yeah, I can.

- Well, what did you have in mind?

- Okay, well, Floyd is old school, right?

And older people, they're set in their ways.

He's been eating this way his whole life.

So, you can't just give him a salad and a rice cake.

He's not gonna eat it.

You have to cook his favorite meals in moderation

and cook 'em cleaner.

- So, you're basically gonna trick him into eating healthy?

- Oh yeah, precisely.

And that goes for you and CJ too,

and working out with him. You can't over exert him.

You have to take baby steps.

You know, like walking and cycling

and doing stuff that's fun.

- True. Okay, I got it.

I'll talk to CJ. - Okay.

- ♪ ♪

- [coughs]

You know what, I believe you the one that's got dementia.

- Why you say that?

- Well, we left here 'cause you said

you left your phone at home.

And then, we get over there and then you say,

Aunt Ella wants something.

And now we all the way back here.

And you said we was supposed to work out.

Hell, I'm tired now.

- We just did.

- Just did what?

- Worked out.

Exercise don't have to be strenuous.

We walked a mile.

We got your heart pumped up.

Got our steps in.

- So, you tricked me.

Oh, the deceit.

Just like a Payne.

- Your body will thank me later.

Think of it as, uh, a reward with good health.

- I ain't gonna lie, I do feel better.

But speaking of reward.

When is cheat day?

- It's your first day.

- So, tomorrow?

- Calvin, Calvin.

I love you. You are my son.

Honey, why?

Why are you so agitated by Miranda's presence?

Y'all have a child together.

However, I will respect your feelings.

So, if it bothers you that much

I will be mindful of having her come over here

when I know that you're coming. - Look, Mom, we are divorced.

I have a fiance now.

When I divorced her, the family should have too.

Now, you may not understand it, but I need you to respect it.

- You're marriage is not my business.

But she is Christian's mother.

And I will continue to have a relationship with her

even if you don't.

Now, Miranda has hired me to be her assistant.

- And Mom, you're wrong. - Calvin.

- Look, I know divorce is taboo in your time

but I need my space from her.

I know Miranda's still in love with me,

but we are living two separate lives right now.

I need to respect my fiance.

Now, Miranda and I need to have a conversation.

- You got that stubbornness from your father.

[laughs]

She's trying Calvin.

And you have got to meet her in the middle.

You two have got to be civil if you're going to co-parent.

Remove the toxicity.

- There is no toxicity.

We're just working on this in our own way.

Now, I need you to stop enabling her feelings

and respect my decisions.

- When did you get so bold.

- You raised a man.

- Oh, I--I'm sorry, I didn't... - No, it's okay, Miranda.

- Come on. - Can we talk?

- I'll let you two do that.

- I need to apologize for how I've been acting toward you.

You didn't deserve it.

And I was wrong.

I should have been more of an adult

in the way I've been handling my feelings.

- I'm glad to hear you say that.

Calvin, listen, I just--I just want us to communicate.

And yes, I do still love you.

However, I also know we have been

on this emotional roller coaster entirely too long.

Enough is enough.

- Look, Miranda, I can't lie to you.

It's really hard to be around you right now.

I'm trying to get to the place where I'm okay with all of this.

- We gave up on us.

- Look, when you left, I moved on.

I couldn't put my life on hold.

- Where do we go from here?

- We work on co-parenting.

You know I will always love you, Miranda.

But I'm no longer in love with you.

- ♪ ♪

- I know.

- ♪

- ♪