Original subtitles

- Okay, baby, this is basically what you need to make a cake.

Alright, so this is a whisk, whisk, whisk.

And you really wanna whisk, whisk your batter--batter,

and get it really creamy.

- Okay.

- Now, if I say, "Lisa,

I want one cup of milk."

And you would go...?

Pour to-- that's two cups, two cups.

One cup of milk, one cup.

Where you see a one.

Yes, one cup.

- FLOYD: [yelling] Ella!!

- Very--- Floyd!

And then you have a bowl--

- It's going down.

- What's going--

what's go--wait, what, what is it?

- It's going down faster than a pro football player

at an Atlanta strip club.

- ELLA: Oh, oh!

Okay, please don't mention strip clubbing.

- FLOYD: Oh, um-- - ELLA: Um--

- Too soon?

- ELLA: Floyd, what's going down?

- Okay, I've arranged for the Payne family and moi

to be invited for an ancestry reveal video conference.

- ELLA: What?

Wait a minute, wait a minute now,

is that where they do the DNA test,

and it shows where you are from?

- Yep, where you're from, you know,

maybe from what tribe, what region,

and sometimes, it'll even show if you're royalty.

- ELLA: Oh! That is exciting.

- Yeah.

- So, that is why you have been all CSI,

trying to get our DNA samples?

- Well, it's because I wanna get rid of the rumor

that my father is actually my uncle.

That my mama's second husband

is actually my second cousin.

- Floyd, your roots are 'bout as deep as a garden weed.

- LISA: But I think it's a good idea,

I mean, I got my DNA results a while ago.

I wanted to know where I came from,

and what my ancestral roots were.

- ELLA: Are there lots of branches on your family tree?

- Yeah, see, that's the funny thing...

See, when I got my results back,

it showed me a lot about my family that I didn't know,

and about people I didn't even know I was related to.

- FLOYD: You ain't gotta worry about it now,

'cuz you got Payne DNA in your blood now.

- ELLA: Yes! - FLOYD: So, you know what?

You are officially carrying a little prince.

- ELLA: Uh, or, a princess. - FLOYD: [laughs]

But I'm sure that Curtis would want a little prince.

- [audience laughs]

- I wouldn't mind raising a little king.

- Thank you, my lady.

- Because little kings are raised to respect queens,

and give 'em whatever they want.

- ELLA: I knew I loved this lady.

- Well, which one came first, the king or the queen?

- Floyd, that makes no sense at all.

- LISA: Well, when my nana taught me how to play chess,

I learned that the queen is the only piece on the board

that can move anywhere on the board, in any direction,

making her the most powerful piece on the board.

- Oh, and what about the king?

- [chuckles] It take the whole board

to protect his old, tired, bloated butt.

He only can move one block at a time,

making him worthless.

- [audience laughs]

- Hear that, Floyd?

Oh, the king is worthless, checkmate.

- [audience laughs]

- ♪

♪♪

- So, if y'all doing the DNA reveal,

that mean I get another chance to be on TV?

- No, no, no, no, no, this is a teleconference.

See, the host is gonna ask me some questions

about my superior Wakanda blood DNA.

And the rest of you will listen.

- So, what about the rest of the family?

- FLOYD: C.J., there's not a drop of Wakanda blood in you.

- LISA: Wait, wait, wait,

you related to Michael B. Jordan, Floyd?

- FLOYD: [chuckles] I mean, we do favor a little bit.

- MALIK: Wait, I've seen this series before,

don't they take one of the families

and make them the subject of a documentary?

- Really? No.

The Sauce Bosses will not be the subject of a documentary.

- C.J.: Wait a minute,

so you telling me this is about free publicity

for you and Uncle Curtis' soon-to-be barbecue empire?

- Mm-hm. - FLOYD: No, no, no, see.

I'm not in it like that,

I'm in it to show you a new place,

and to bring you to a better appreciation of yourselves.

- Sorta like a colonizer.

- ELLA: He may as well be,

he using everybody else's DNA for your own good.

- C.J.: Yeah, Floyd, you sure you not tryna get us

to be free labor for your business?

- ELLA: Right. - Might be.

- ELLA: Ugh! - Depending upon your genetics.

- [audience laughs] - Wow.

- So inappropriate. - LISA: Wow.

- MALIK: Well, Massa Floyd, I shol'--

- [fake laughs] You're very funny.

Alright, but you keep laughing, 'cuz you all will soon find out

that I have the lineage of great African royalty.

And when you do find out, you will all have to bow down.

- ELLA: Bow down?

Your name is not on this house note.

No one in this house will ever bow down to you, Floyd,

so, I hope you plan on bowing down to yourself.

- Well, alright, family, good luck with y'all DNA dance,

we gotta get ready for our road trip,

we're heading to Cousin Calvin's.

- I can't wait to see my family.

- C.J.: So, you're gonna stop off at your family reunion

on your way, huh?

- Yeah, my great aunt,

she's celebrating her centennial birthday,

my whole family gon' be there.

- This'll be a good way for me to meet my future in-laws.

- It's a set-up.

- Please hush up.

- C.J.: Well, I'm proud of you, Son.

Hitting the road like a grown man.

- Well, thanks, Dad.

Uh, can I have some gas money?

- Uh, Son, grown men don't ask their parents for gas money.

Good luck.

- [chuckles] I got you, Malik.

- Thank you, Auntie Ella.

- [chuckles]

- Nah.

- [laughter]

- Don't do your daddy like that.

- Y'all be careful. Text us collect.

- ♪

- CALVIN: What's up, Cuzzo? - MALIK: What's up?

- 'Bout ready to hit the road? - Yep.

Three days on the road, spending quality time

with the woman I'ma spend the rest of my life with.

- I got the playlist ready, this trip gon' be lit.

- You about to play that trap music across the country, huh?

- Uh, no,

I got all my favorite Broadway show tunes locked and loaded.

- Please don't ask her which sh--

- Which shows? - Oh god.

- "Cats", "Fiddler", "Avenue Q", "The Color Purple",

"Ma Rainey's Black Bottom", "Fences"--

- MALIK: Baby, "Fences" isn't a musical.

- It is now,

I got one of the DJs from the club

to mash up the movie with "Hamilton,"

- Why would he do that?

- 'Cuz I paid him to, duh.

While you playing,

Denzel, he would have made a dope-ass Alexander Hamilton,

kilt it!

- Three wonderful, long days on the road,

full of relaxation and songs

that make me wanna drive the car into the Grand Canyon.

- Yeah, but this baby twerking on my bladder,

so, I gotta go to the bathroom.

- Grand Canyon should be crazy. - Yeah.

- Is that your last stop? - Nah.

Uh, we're gonna stop in L.A.,

Lisa wants to pay homage to Nipsey Hussle.

She's getting cornrows and everything.

- Word, ya--y'all road tripping like that?

- Yeah, Georgia, Alabama, Mississippi,

Arkansas, Texas, then, out west.

- Uh, Malik, you sure you built for this?

I mean, you ain't been past the last stop on the MARTA train.

- Yeah, I'm sure I'll be good, I survived MARTA.

- Okay, okay, let's say you're in your car,

and you get to some place you've never been before.

- Well, I'll just be nice,

and show everybody some Southern hospitality.

- Yeah, you ain't built for this.

Don't be nice, be smart, know your surroundings.

Okay, let's say one of the homies roll up on you,

and give you pressure.

- Like, tire pressure at a gas station?

- What's up, homie?

Who is you, where you from, why you got on that blue?

- What's up-- - You cuz?

- What's up, my guy?

No, I'm from the Southside, what's up with you?

- Say, homie, you know what,

run me them kicks and everything else you got on...cuz.

- Cuz, what--what, are we related now?

- I said, run me everything you got on.

- Okay. - Give me everything you got on.

- Stop! You're tickling me. Stop! What are you doing?

Cut it out!

Who are you, what's going on?

- I said, break yo self, break yo self, fool.

Break yo self, you know where you from?

You know where you from, you know where you at, huh?

- I'm--I'm confused now.

- And that is all before the sun goes down.

Next lesson, never wave at anybody with just three fingers.

- [audience laughs]

- ♪

- Hear ye, hear ye, the time is nigh!

The results have been emailed in from your DNA.

- Well, I hope that I'm a king so I can have you beheaded.

- Silence, peasant.

- Floyd, I'm starting to have a bad feeling about this.

- Silence, woman at the well...ness center.

- [audience laughs]

- I'll hold him down,

and you beat him with anything you can find.

- Mm-hmm, mm-hmm.

- First results are for C.J. Payne.

- Let's just get this over with.

- According to your DNA results,

they are 43% East African and Native American,

sixty-six percent Sub-Saharan African,

and one percent European.

- That's nice, C.J.,

I always said you had a little Native American in you.

- That means I have the blood of two indigenous people

running through my veins.

- That explains everything.

- What do you mean?

- Well, I mean, some days you're down with the cause,

and then there are other days

where you are in touch with the elements of the Earth.

That explains why you run into burning buildings

to put out fires.

- ELLA: Floyd, that's so disrespectful.

- Don't blame me, it's in his DNA.

- You not gon' DNA shame me.

- Oh, be proud of your heritage, you've been oppressed twice.

- ELLA: Floyd? - Hm?

- Inappropriate.

- FLOYD: Shall we carry on?

And now Ella Payne.

- Okay.

- FLOYD: According to your DNA results,

you are 97% Sub-Saharan African

and three percent Middle Eastern and North African.

- And a thousand percent Baptist.

- [audience laughs]

- FLOYD: And you share a maternal genetic ancestry

with...wow...Queen Nandi, whoever that is.

- Queen Nandi? That can't be right.

- Why, what's wrong?

She was Episcopalian?

- Queen Nandi is Shaka Zulu's mother.

- I'm a descendant of Af--of an African queen?

Floyd, I'm a queen?

Lo--look--am I a queen?

- Yeah, but you're still a Baptist.

- [audience laughs]

- Bow down. - What?

- You in the presence of royalty, Floyd.

She's your queen to be for real.

- [chuckles] Bow down.

Bow down! - Please.

And now, according to my own DNA results...

it finds that I am 91%... European?

- [laughs]

FLOYD: And nine percent Sub-Saharan African?

- [audience laughs]

- What the hell?

- Well, that explains everything!

- No, this don't explain absolutely nothing.

- And Lisa was right.

- About what?

- You are a colonizer.

- ELLA: [laughs]

C.J.?

- Yes, Queen?

- Wakanda forever!

- Wakanda forever! Floyd?

- Yeah? - Wakanda for-never.

- [laughs]

- Look, they made a mistake. - ELLA: No.

- Okay, they sent the wrong results, okay?

Look, look, look, it says,

"Click here for additional results," right?

And so, right here, according to this,

I am 23% Irish-American, too?

- [audience laughs]

- Oh my gosh.

- C.J.: Floyd? - What?

- I had hopes and dreams,

and you're making 'em all come true,

I always wanted to meet a black leprechaun.

- ELLA: [laughs]

[Irish accent] Top of the morning to ya.

- [Irish accent] They're after me Lucky Charms.

- Y'all are so inappropriate and disrespectful.

- C.J.: Oh!

When you were DNA shaming us

because we didn't have one pure African blood,

it was okay?

- Yes, and your point is?

- Instead of judging your ancestry, embrace it,

that's what's wrong with society now.

- Instead of judging these cultures,

why not research them and learn more about who you are,

and where you came from? - ELLA: Yes.

Floyd, you're trying to make us feel inferior

to who we are and where we came from.

- If we all took the time to know each other,

we wouldn't be fighting each other so much.

- ELLA: And now, you're in your feelings

because the world is gonna find out

that you're hiding your pot of gold somewhere.

- Look, they're never gonna hear about these results.

- [tablet rings]

- ELLA: Oh, oh, yes-- oh, yes they will.

- [tablet rings] - Yes, they will. [chuckles]

The video conference-- it says here,

the video conference to discuss the findings

will take place in 15 minutes.

- No, no, no, no, no, no!

Look, you've got to be the face of the reveal, okay?

- Why?

- FLOYD: Because you're a queen,

and because you're a queen,

they'll choose us for the documentary.

- So it's still about you wanting everybody to do

what you want.

- C.J.: You need to name your restaurant, Floyd the Colonizer.

- ELLA: Yeah, call yourself Colonel Floyd.

- C.J.: [laughs] - [laughs]

- Forty Acres and a Man from Ireland.

- ELLA: You know, what does an Irishman eat?

- I don't know,

but this one right here 'bout to eat some crow.

- [tablet rings]

- ELLA: Uh-oh, the host of the series is calling.

- [tablet rings] - ELLA: Here.

- Gon' answer it, fix your hair.

- You do it. - Um--

- CALVIN: Okay, ten and two at the wheel.

- [scoffs] Have you ever been to prison?

- Only in my marriage.

- Oh, well, how do you know this is gonna keep me out of jail?

- Look, don't worry about jail, just worry about ten and two.

- Okay, ten and two.

- Mm-hm, and make sure you keep your license,

and your registration taped right there to the dashboard.

- What is this, "In the Heat of the Night"?

Nobody does that anymore,

it's in a database in a cloud somewhere.

- Okay, Mr. Database in a Cloud Somewhere,

let's just run the scenario then.

- [deeply exhales] Okay.

- Do you know why I pulled you over, sir?

- Let me guess, the proverbial tail light.

- Okay, relax with the jokes, I'm asking the questions here.

- Okay, okay, my bad, go 'head, do your thang.

- You know, I don't like your attitude, buddy,

go 'head and step out of the car for me, come on.

- Am I being detained, Officer?

- No, you're not.

- Am I being arrested?

- Well, not yet, but I need your cooperation.

Go 'head and step out of the car for me, please.

- You see, if I would just show him some Southern hospitality,

I'd be on the road by now.

- Will you just stick to role play?

- Alright, alright, okay. - Come on.

- Okay, Officer. - Come on.

- I'm getting out the car, I'm getting out the car.

- I.D., please, thank you.

Where you from, sir? - ATL.

- Oh-wee, you a long way from home now ain't you?

- Yep, I'm traveling across country

with the mother of my child.

- Boy or a girl?

- We're waiting to be surprised.

- Oh, I got a pair of girls myself,

joy of my life. [chuckles]

You know, I--every traffic stop,

I think about if I'm gon' make it back home to see 'em again.

- That's crazy, I'm thinking the same exact thing right now.

- [laughs] You know what, I like you, buddy,

you're free to go.

Drive safe, here's your I.D.

- Well, thank you.

You see, that's how it's done.

- Hey.

- LISA: [clears throat] Uh, this baby wearing me out.

Aww, Calvin, you don't wanna see your little cousin go?

- Um, actually, it's just the opposite,

I wanna help him fly away.

Now, y'all make sure y'all got enough money,

pack your survival kit,

don't let your gas get below 2/3 of a tank,

and plan your hotel stops ahead of time.

- Okay, we gotcha, thanks, Cuzzo.

- All good, love ya, bruh.

- Love you, too, man.

- ♪

- And it was nice talking to you, too.

- And, uh, peace and love, my brother, Wakanda forever.

- [audience laughs]

- Click it off. - [mocks] Wakanda forever.

- Floyd, I cannot believe you did not say anything

to those people.

- Well, I think they still mixed up my DNA results.

They trying to make me feel like I'm weird.

- C.J.: Floyd, Africans have been in Ireland

since the 18th century.

You not weird, you're unique.

- And we appreciate everything about you.

It's not where you're from, it's where you're at.

- C.J.: Yeah, and, um, you can always visit us here

under the roof of Queen Ella.

- [laughs] - Bow down!

- Bow down.

Royalty is in the building.

I feel like I want some rose petals,

I wanna walk on some rose petals. [giggles]

- Y'all walking on my last damn nerve.

- Floyd--

- MALIK: What's going on, family?

- Hi. - Hey, hey!

You ready to hit the road, man?

- Cousin Calvin got us locked and loaded.

- Yeah, I'm really excited to see Auntie Lee Ola, Uncle Bud,

Auntie Velva, Uncle Lou, Auntie Brenda,

Uncle Rue, Uncle Ruff.

- [laughs] And that's just in one house.

- Yeah, then Malik get to meet Uncle Bud, Uncle Ronnie,

Auntie Jessica, Uncle Jessica.

- You got an auntie and an uncle Jessica?

- That's--that's a long story.

- Yeah, okay.

- Uncle Jessica?

- Yo family tree got a lot of life.

- Speaking of life, how was the DNA results?

- I am an African queen!

- Shut up!

- Yes, please.

- What about you, Dad?

- C.J.: Oh, well, your dad got,

uh, African and Native American.

Your pops got DNA from different area codes and continents,

holla.

- And what about you, Floyd?

- My results came back negative.

- How is that even possible?

- ELLA: He's just ashamed of his results.

- Don't be like that,

when I got my results back,

I was surprised to see that I was 91% European

and nine percent African.

- What? - [chuckles]

- Wh--what'd you say?

- Did you say 91%? - LISA: Yeah.

- And--and nine percent? - Mm-hm.

- Why is that so important? - ELLA: Um-mm.

[laughs]

- What's even crazier is that I'm 19% Irish.

- ELLA: Oh!

- This can't be. - [laughs]

- It can't be. [laughs] - What?

- You and Floyd might be kin.

- No! - Nothing--

- FLOYD: No!

No!

No!

- Woo-woo!

Hey, who little homie over there?

You don't know him, I don't know him?

Oh, cuz.

- [audience laughs]

- What up, homie?

Who is you, where you from?

You know where you at, homeboy?

Who you know, who you know, homeboy?

Oh, you know Lil Foosball and 'nem?

Oh, you don't know Lil Foosball and 'nem.

Oh, cuz, you in the wrong hood, cuz,

you in the wrong hood.

Got all that brown on, I don't know about you, homeboy.

Oh, oh, you think this a game,

you think this-- you think this a game?

Do you know who you messing with?

You don't know who you messing with, cuz, oh!

Oh, watch the feet, cuz.

You--oh--what, what?

Did I hear you--what?

Huh? What?

Cuz, what, you's a trippin', cuz.

Okay, then, get over there then.

Cuz in the wrong hood, I don't even know about that.

He trippin'.

- [audience laughs]

- ♪

- ♪

- ♪