Original subtitles

-♪ Look up there ♪ -♪ What do you see? ♪

♪ Nature and stuff ♪

-♪ Like a rock ♪ -♪ And a tree ♪

♪ Oh, the Great North ♪

♪ Way up here, you can breathe the air ♪

♪ Catch some fish ♪

♪ Or gaze at a bear ♪

♪ Wow ♪

♪ Oh, the Great North ♪

♪ Here we live, oh, oh ♪

♪ Here we'll stay, oh, whoo ♪

♪ From longest night to longest day ♪

♪ In the Great North. ♪

[cheering]

Judy!

Judy, get your ass out here.

It's urgent.

What the hell, Alanis? What do you need?

Well, it's something very serious.

Okay.

All my imaginary streaming services are down.

That's the emergency?

Uh, yeah. Fiona Apple said she's resetting the router,

but she doesn't know how to do that.

And I can't go to sleep without watching my stories.

Ugh! Did you get me out here just so I could entertain you?

I'm in the middle of a crisis.

Oh, good, then you get it.

Can you tell me a Frasier or something?

No. I cannot tell you a Frasier or something.

The annual Lone Moose Ice Dancing Competition is tomorrow,

and I'm a little stressed out!

Oh, the competition you and your brother Moon

always win without even trying?

Ugh! Yes, normally.

And we love it, and it bonds us emotionally

as he gets older and we grow apart

and sunrise-sunset, et cetera,

but that is not happening this year. It's a mess.

Okay, so maybe you tell me about that, but as a movie.

Because of the tragic situation with my streaming services.

So, you want to hear my high-stakes sibling problem

as a movie?

Uh-huh. Ooh, and could you make it a rom-com,

'cause I think I'm in the mood for one of those.

Uh, but, uh, no, it's not a rom-com,

it's about me and my brother, so that would be gross.

Fine. I'll just picture that the colors are brighter

and everyone's very good-looking.

But wait, let me come down there

so it's full slumber party vibes.

-You may begin. -Right.

Well, my brother Moon and I--

we've always been pretty different.

Very different. Kind of a love-hate thing.

Right, but there is one place

where we're perfectly in sync: on the ice.

[Golovkin over speaker] Welcome to the annual

Lone Moose Ice Dancing Competition,

presented by Mike's Ice, ice for guys.

-Up first, Judy and Moon Tobin. -[cheering]

[Judy] We weren't technically the best ice dancers out there,

-but we were cute as hell. -[audience] Aw.

[indistinct chatter]

-[man] Aw. -[cheering]

-[grunts] -[Golovkin] Let's hear it

for this year's winners, sponsored by Mike's Ice,

ice for guys.

Now for girls: smaller cubes.

[Judy] And for the last seven years, we've always won.

And I thought this year was gonna be no different,

but that's where the trouble began.

Okay, but Judy, in a rom-com like this,

right about here is where we'd meet the lead character's

quirky best friend.

Hmm. Well, I guess something kind of quirky

was happening with my...

dad and his love life.

Perfect. And we fade to that.

[Honeybee] Beef, I don't get why you don't use

these binoculars more.

I can see fish doing things

they definitely don't want me to see.

Unless there's low light conditions,

I prefer to use my eye-noculars.

Which is just a fun way of saying my eyes.

Can we get this guy to Showtime at the Apollo already?

Ooh, new houseboat alert. Huh.

Looks like they're angling for the slip right next to us.

Oh, rad. Water neighbors are just as fun as land neighbors.

-Mm. -Let's see who's on board.

I see a lady.

Curly brown hair, purple glasses

-and it kind of looks like the lady is... -Huh? [grunts]

in a wedding dress? What the--

-It can't be. -Oh, God, it is.

[sighs]

Code Shocking Pink. Code Shocking Pink.

[Honeybee] What? Where are you guys going?

Dad, this is what we trained for.

Into the trunk I go.

What is going on? And where did that trunk come from?

Oh, right, you were out of town when we practiced the drills.

It's Zelda Blop.

She went to high school with Dad and is obsessed

-with marrying him and-- -[Beef] Wolf! Stop talking.

-Let's go! -You're right, you're right.

Honeybee, batten down the hatches.

I don't know how to do that.

-I thought it was just a saying. -Never mind.

We can just pull on out, here we go.

[Judy] Meanwhile, across town,

our beautiful heroine, Judy-- me--

was just leaving school to head for ice dancing practice

with her lifelong dance partner Moon

when she was about to realize

that her rose-colored dream world

was just an illusion.

Moon Tobin.

Time to go do that thing we love

and is also the sole remaining source

of our emotional sibling bond.

[Moon] Sorry I can't go look

for interesting trash in the ravine, Russell.

I have stupid ice dancing practice

-with my dweeby sister. -Wha...?

I mean, I like winning the trophy,

but it's so embarrassing to be doing a dance

with my sister at this age.

And she bosses me around and makes me wear a dumb outfit.

[Judy] Unlike a rom-com character,

I didn't just run away.

I stayed longer, to make sure Moon

wasn't actually about to say the complete opposite thing

that made the mean part less mean.

I'd literally rather do anything else in the world.

And there's no other way to interpret that statement.

[Alanis] And that's why they always run away.

[Judy] I know that now, Alanis.

Thank you. Thanks.

So, yeah, things were-- Wait, where did you get

-that face mask? -Skyphora. You want one?

I shoplifted a bunch.

-[gasps] Alanis. -What?

We're in late-stage capitalism, Jude.

I can't worry about corporations.

So, you found out Moon didn't want to date you and--

Skate.

Skate with me. Not an actual rom-com.

[clears throat] Okay. At first, it was a big surprise,

but then I realized there had actually been

a lot of signs that Moon had recently begun

to think that I was a big friggin' dork.

Hey, Moon, want to tie-dye some long sleeves?

No, thank you, Judith.

Hey, Moon, I'm gonna go to the mall to offer

free babysitting to single moms doing their best.

-Want to go? -Oh, I can't.

I have that thing that I have.

-He really is not that into you, huh? -Oh, yeah.

I know. When we were little,

he was like my shadow. He idolized me.

But clearly, the shadow-ship had friggin' sailed,

and I was mad.

Ugh, his words kept echoing in my head.

[Moon] I'd literally rather do anything else in the world.

[echoing] World. World.

Oh, hello, Moon. So nice of you to join me.

So, are we starting with a run-through or...

Yeah, sure. Or we could do literally

anything else in the world.

Um, okay. I think we should do the run-through.

Great, great. So maybe we can work on the parts

that you're doing wrong, like the opening.

Oop, and the middle section and then, of course, the end.

-Wow, okay. -I just don't want to have to carry you,

you know, here on the ice.

-Excuse me? -Oh, you know, like, carry you.

Like, I'm the one who's actually good at this?

[scoffs] Uh, pretty sure I'm the one

doing the heavy lifting on this team.

Oh, please, you just, like, stumble around

and people go, "Aw, oh, wow, he's so cute,"

but I'm the one who can do a double toe loop.

[grunts, exhales]

Sometimes. I can do it sometimes.

Uh, hate to break it to you, Jude,

but you could honestly pair me up

with any old meat sack in this whole town

and I'd still walk away with that Mike's Ice trophy.

[scoffs] You could pair with anyone?

I could pair with anyone.

Ooh, if I know my rom-coms, I bet there's a bet coming on.

-Oh, you better bet-lieve it. -[Moon] Okay, fine.

You want to make this interesting?

How about we each pick a new partner for the other

and see who comes out on top?

I pick your partner and you pick mine?

[laughs]

Oh, you're on.

And you're also off. My team.

Forever. Hit the bricks.

I will leave right now,

but because I want to, not because you told me to.

And I'll be back here tomorrow at the same time

to bring you the worst partner in Lone Moose.

-Oh, so you're bringing yourself? -[Alanis] Nice one.

I know. And I definitely said it

in the moment and didn't just think of it right now.

But wait, what was going on with your dad and that stalker lady?

-Can we check back in with them for a bit? -Sure.

That story was taking some twists and turns, too.

[both grunting]

Okay, we cannot live like this.

Hauling you on and off the boat in that trunk every day

is gonna destroy our backs, Beef.

We got to take action, guys.

I'll whip up some of my ex-fix Chex Mix,

and we'll go over there and get this awkward meetup

-out of the way. -Me and Zelda are not exes.

Okay, I can make

my situation-ship spinach dip instead.

No. Do the Chex Mix.

We don't want to put anything in a dish

she has to return.

[groans]

[Zelda, singsongy] Coming!

-Hey, there, neighbor, we brought you some--

-Beef! [grunts] -Oh, my God.

-Oh, I've missed you. -Okay.

You found me.

[sighs] You are literally parked next door.

Oh, that's your boat?

[laughs] Oh.

I honestly forgot you lived here in my hometown

where we went to high school together.

I see you're still wearing that, uh, wedding dress?

Ah, you flatter.

-And speaking of weddings... -Dad, run.

-meet my new fiancé. -[grunts]

Were you just standing behind the door, waiting?

[laughs] Sure was.

Nice to meet you, I'm Ribbert.

Like the noise a frog makes?

No. Ribbert, like the common name.

But everyone calls me Ribeye.

Pleasure to meet you, Ribeye.

[gasps] Oh, Beef, don't be jealous.

You had your chance.

Yeah, Dad, don't be jealous.

-Well, congratulations. -Okay, great,

-please get off our boat now, -Ooh.

Ribeye and I are going to make love.

Oh, goodie, goodie, goodie, goodie.

See, Beef? She has a different fiancé now.

-You're off the hook. -I was never her fiancé.

-[Zelda] Oh, Ribeye! -[Ribeye] Oh, Zelda!

Yuh-oh, that houseboat's a-rockin',

-so let's get a-walkin'. -[Alanis] Wow.

-What an unusual pair. -Oh, yeah.

And speaking of pairs, the next thing you know,

Moon and I were at the rink again and the bet was in effect.

Judith, I have selected for you a new partner.

Someone you once described as "the most annoying

of all of my friends."

It's Russell!

Hi, Judy! It's me, Russell.

[sighs] Okay.

Well, although I do find Russell

somewhat, uh, not not irritating,

he does have a certain, you know,

"he can stand on the ice" quality

that I believe will give us an advantage

over you and your new partner.

Oh, right, like you found someone in Lone Moose

who can't ice ska... Oh, God,

why didn't I think of that?

That's right. Say hello to my little friend,

our big brother, Ham.

[whimpering]

Hey! Careful.

-My fingies are down here. -[groans]

Wow, okay, so you and your brother--

once a team- are now enemies,

and there's a bet.

Oh, now we're rom-comming with gas.

So, where were we?

All right, I figured since the big night

is coming up fast, we ought to rehearse in costume.

-You will be inside this disco ball, -Oh. [weak chuckle] I-I--

-so let's just-- -[screaming]

Oh, my God! What?! What?! Oh-- [shrieks] What in the--

What is going on here?

Sorry. [chuckles] I have extreme claustrophobia

from the time a bounce house deflated on me

after my seventh birthday.

Okay, well, now I know why Moon really picked you.

But, Miss Judy, other than that, I'm actually a very good skater.

Wait, you are? Does Moon know that?

It's a recent development.

I just completed an intensive

father-son figure skating workshop

with my mom's boyfriend Jamie.

We did our routine to "Just the Two of Us."

-You don't say. -I do say.

And it turned out Russell wasn't the only one

hiding something, because

over at my Dad's boat...

[Zelda] Psst. Beef.

-Hey, Beef. -Zelda?

-Over here. -Oh, dear God.

Beef, this was the only way I could talk to you

without Ribeye seeing.

We don't really need to talk.

Beef, Beef, Beef, my little moo-man.

I hate seeing the pain you're in because I'm with Ribeye.

No pain.

We were never together and we never will be.

Ugh. That's what I'm worried about, too.

Baby, baby, baby, we'll find a way.

This should hold you over till then.

[kisses]

[muffled] No, no, no, no.

-Ah. Goodbye, lover. -You're still here.

Roll me over the side of the dock.

No way in hell.

[Judy] So, yeah, Zelda was up to her old tricks

and I was up to new ones with my new partner.

Skating with Russell over the next few days

was actually kind of great.

But it wasn't just the skating.

Being around Russell kind of felt like having

-a little brother who wanted to hang out with me again. -[grunts]

The classic other... brother-man.

And as time passed,

Russell and I had more and more fun together.

-Ta-da. -[Judy] Like the kind of fun Moon and I used to have

before he thought I was too dorky to hang out with.

It was only a couple of days,

and I wasn't trying to make Moon jealous,

but he just didn't know what he had until it was gone.

Oof. Sounds like a real dark night of the soul for him.

It was. And also,

while that was happening,

my dad was still being

followed around by that lady.

♪ I see you ♪

♪ And all that you do ♪

-♪ Like pulling up the fish from the ocean ♪ -Yoo-hoo. [giggles]

-Oh. Bye. -♪ It's just ♪

♪ Us two ♪

-[grunting] -♪ Spinning around ♪

♪ In the car wash ♪

♪ And taking the trash out, too ♪

♪ Woo hoo hoo! ♪

Whew.

-Hi! -Aah!

Ooh! Complications, mix-ups,

ladies in trash bags, sad men filled with jealousy.

I give this movie a million stars.

[Wolf] Okay, I think

the coast is clear.

Let's get you out of here, Dad.

It's way past dinnertime.

Oh, the coast is definitely not clear.

-Why do you say that? -Because Zelda is standing

outside that window right now.

-Aah! -Aah!

Hey, girl! What are you--

what-what are you doing here?

Oh, I just wanted Beef to know I was thinking about him.

[moans]

Zelda, please.

Just go back to your own boat and your fiancé.

Oh, I'd love to, but I'm afraid

-I'm too weak to walk. -[grunting]

-Oh, Beefy. Yes, hold me. -Hey!

-Aah! -Aah! -[gasps] Oh, no, Beef,

he knows about us.

There is no "us!"

I can't believe this.

My fiancée is being seduced by my best friend.

I'm not your best friend!

Well, not anymore, you're not.

Oh, no, boys, boys, don't fight over me.

Oh, we're gonna!

I challenge you, sir, to a duel.

-A duel? Like, with guns? -Well, no.

I challenge you to a...

fisting duel.

-You mean a fistfight? -Yes.

A fisting fight duel.

And whoever wins gets Zelda forever

and the other one will never speak

or even look upon her again.

Okay, let's all just calm down--

-I accept the terms of the duel. -Dad!

Then I will see you at dawn.

No. Wait. I have Pilates tomorrow morning.

And my afternoon is full, so next dawn.

Not tomorrow, day after.

Actually, let's make it 3:00 p.m.

-I like to sleep in. -Oh, I wear him out. [laughs]

-Okay. -Beef, does that work for you?

3:00 p.m., day after next?

-Fisting? -That's perfect. I'm wide open.

[chuckles] Is no one else hearing this?

See you in your dreams, my dueling daddy.

[both exclaim]

-Dueling Daddy, have you lost it? -No.

I'm taking action, as Honeybee suggested.

I'm going to purposely lose the fisting duel

so that I never have to see Zelda again.

I am begging you to call it a fistfight from here on out,

but other than that, love the plan.

[Russell] Thanks for inviting me

to dinner, Judy. I almost feel like a family member.

We're happy to have you, Russell, but

where are my two actual sons?

Oh, Moon finally taught Ham to skate a little bit,

but it takes, like, an hour to get him back

-to the edge of the rink-- Oh! -Hello.

[Russell] Oh. [chuckles] Uh, h-hi, Moon.

Russell. Not enough to skate with my sister,

have lunch with my sister?

You're having dinner together now, too?

Moon, me and Russell being partners was your idea.

Remember? Because of how you have no interest in hanging out

with me and take me for granted now and stuff?

Yes, I know, but you guys are taking it too far.

It's like you're trying to make me jealous.

What? [laughs] No, no.

It's not what it looks like.

I was just trying to replace you

as Judy's little brother.

[Alanis] Wait, he really said that?

Yes. Ugh, basically. I don't know.

Whatever. It's midnight. I'm paraphrasing. Anyway,

Moon got mad, kicked Russell out...

-Oh! -and then he said...

Look, Judy, I was obviously wrong

about me being able to skate with anyone.

So, can we just end the bet,

declare you the winner and just get the act back together?

Ugh. You really think this is just about a bet?

Moon, I heard what you said about me the other day.

How I'm a big, dumb, embarrassing loser.

-Oh... -So, I think you'll pardon me

if I'm going to dance with a little brother

that treats me right.

If anyone needs me, I'll be in my room

sewing a new beak onto Russell's penguin costume

because he swallowed the first one.

[crying]

I was a bet?!

Okay, I'm ready for the big, emotional ending.

Uh, what do you mean? That's it. You're all caught up.

What? No! That can't be the end.

You guys have to get back together.

I don't think so. I mean,

that all just happened a few hours ago.

But he needs to, like, run to the airport

-to stop you from moving to New York and-- -[knocking]

[gasps] See? That's probably him now.

Here to say he was wrong and beg you to forgive him.

Go, go.

Oh, Wolf. Hi.

-Okay if I come in? -Sure.

I couldn't sleep.

And I figured you couldn't either

'cause I saw you sitting on the roof,

like, talking to the trees or something.

If you're here to try to talk me into skating

with Moon again, it's not gonna work.

-You're pretty mad at him, huh? -Yeah.

And it's not just what I heard him say.

He used to be, like, my friend,

but he doesn't want to do anything with me anymore.

Do you remember how much we hung out when you were ten?

Oh, uh... Actually, not really.

Yeah. Because we didn't.

When you were little, you used to follow me around

and want to do everything with me.

Then you got a little older, and that stopped.

One day, I even heard you tell Kima that I was

"like a scarecrow that a witch

put a spell on to turn him into a loser."

Oh, God. Yeah, I did say that.

Uh-huh. And it hurt my feelings a little,

but it's not like I changed.

You were just growing up,

and it's kind of normal for siblings

to go through phases and whatnot.

-You pushed me away for a bit. -Yeah, I guess I did.

But... well, we're close again now.

Hell yeah. You're back to idolizing me.

Sure.

So, you think I'm being too hard on Moon?

I guess I think that, if your ten-year-old sibling

who currently thinks you're a big dork

actually wants to do something with you

you ought to say yes.

'Cause that train may not be coming around again

anytime soon.

Ugh. All right, I guess it's time

to make things right with my brother.

Aw, no need.

I know I'm not a scarecrow who got cursed by a witch.

Water under the bridge.

Oh, no, I meant I'm gonna go talk to Moon.

Oh, right, right. Right, right, right, right.

And I... [sighs] guess I'll have to tell Russell.

I'll tell the Russ-man. I got a gentle touch.

Oh, hey, Russell. So, Judy's dropping your ass.

♪ ♪

Why?!

[Wolf] Okay, Dad's first duel.

Hope I'm dressed appropriately.

You look fine, babe.

Dad, do you remember the punches?

There's uh, uh... Dang it! I forgot the punches.

[phone rings]

-Hello? -Beef.

Zelda? Where are you?

That's not important right now.

What matters is that I'm gonna "take care"

of Ribeye so you and I can be together.

Like you want.

Uh, what do you mean "take care" of Ribeye?

Let's just say Cupid's arrow works in both love and war.

[gasps] Good God,

I think Zelda's gonna murder Ribeye

with an arrow.

Okay, Beef, are you ready to do this?

Just give us a little minute there, Ribeye.

We have to find her.

Pretty sure she's that white blob

-right there in that tree. -Ribbert, look out!

[gasps, screams]

-[grunts] -Aah!

My beautiful butt cheek!

Zelda, you shot Beef so that he wouldn't harm me?

Mm-hmm. Yes.

That's exactly what I did, my angel.

Oh, oh.

Nah. Now, wait a minute, Ribbert,

-that's not what she-- -No, no, no, Honeybee,

that is exactly what happened.

Oh, Ribeye!

Oh, Zelda!

Sorry, Beef, but you will just have to accept

that Ribeye and I are meant to be.

Okey dokey. Per the duel terms,

I will not have anything to do with you ever again.

Oh. That will be pretty tough

with us staying right here in town

-on our houseboat, permanently. -Oh, God.

But I trust you, best friend.

Oh, good speech, Ribby.

What else do those lips do?

[both moaning]

Okay, time to go.

-Oh, good, you made it. -[grunts]

How was your duel?

I saved my supposed romantic rival's life

and got shot in the buttocks, so,

standard duel stuff, I think.

-Oh, here we go. -[applause]

-♪ ♪ -[applause]

I'm Ryan Seacrest,

-and this is your Happy New Year, America. -[audience] Aw!

[baby voice] Wah! Wah!

Happy new year.

[chuckles] They really are great together.

Moon is one lucky son of a bitch.

[audience cheering]

[Alanis gasps] Was I right?

You and your brother realized you do belong together.

Yep. Because we care about each other so much.

But also, we just flippin' love to win.

Congrats. Oh, and by the way, great story, Judy.

I can't wait for the sequel.

Uh, I don't really think they really do rom-com sequels.

Uh, yeah, they do.

You're telling me you never saw Sleepless in Secaucus?

Well, now I'll tell it to you.

Picture this: it's dawn in Secaucus.

Colin Hanks is walking his pot-bellied pig.

Both his wives are dead.

Ooh! Go on.

♪ Are you sick of ice that's way too smooth ♪

♪ And never hits the spot? ♪

♪ You need the ice that's nice and hard ♪

♪ It's not just cool, it's hot ♪

♪ Men need different ice than women ♪

♪ That's just a simple fact ♪

♪ When you need the cold for bros not hos ♪

♪ Mike's Ice has got your back ♪

♪ This ice is not for ladies' mouths ♪

♪ They'd just spit it out ♪

♪ Gals just can't understand what our ice is all about ♪

♪ Frozen water for a man ♪

♪ You're winning the grand prize ♪

♪ Mike's Ice For Guys. ♪

Mike's Ice for Guys, now for kids.

Captioning sponsored by BENTO BOX ENTERTAINMENT

and TOYOTA.