Original subtitles

Did you guys see what I saw.

At school today?

Oh my God, she is such a pick me girl.

Hey, it takes one to know one.

Vanessa.

Hahahahahahaha!

That's hilarious. Jenna bell.

This is exactly

why you're the queen bee, and I totally defer to you.

Oh, wait.

Does anyone else think Mark

Duggan is lowkey hot with that haircut?

Oh my God, yes.

Glow up vibes.

FYI, green light on Yemen raised.

Tomahawks airborne 15 minutes ago.

Who's ready to glass?

Some Houthi rebels. Flag emoji. Flag emoji.

Flag emoji. Flag.

The flag.

Emoji. Fire emoji. Eggplant.

Who is this

Pete Hegseth?

Secretary of defense.

Israel. Better bend over and spread it.

Clean up their

baller water squirt emoji.

God bless the troops. Eggplant.

Do we know you, bro?

This is Jenna Bell.

Oh. Nice

dinner bell from defense, right?

Hey, I think you have the wrong group chat.

LOL LOL LOL

Could you imagine if that actually happened?

Homer disappeared in the bush.

gif what?

I got everyone sending a PDF

with updated locations of all our nuclear submarines.

Check that one.

We got chilling right outside Shanghai.

Jordan Peele sweating like crazy.

gif

Stop sending us this stuff.

Hold up! And Jade now.

Nice job on the strike, fam.

Female sticker emoji.

What my dad

meant to send fire emoji.

Okay, how's Greenland, by the way?

That you're killing it?

No I'm not.

Nobody knows why I'm here.

Especially me.

But praise Trump, our work here is mysterious and important.

Bro, Egypt owes us big time for this Yemen.

This is saying we should make them give us the pyramids.

Okay, I'm engaging the pyramids of Giza.

Like, how would we move them here?

Same way they built them.

Either aliens or slaves.

Wait, who's the 203 number?

I'm Jenna Bell.

Sick Jenna Bell from homeland.

Sending a PDF of all deep covers.

CIA agents don't share.

Well, I'm going to be bad and make myself a Jack

and Coke to celebrate.

Just the one.

Nice promise to stop drinking when you got the job.

But it's like they say in AA.

Just the one is.

Okay.

I got to go.

Matt's here to pick me up.

We're going to movie.

Who? Gaetz

Actually, yeah.

Pulled up at Marco

Rubio in the house.

Yeah.

Wait, who are the other three numbers here?

Us sending you the real JFK files.

Not those fake ones. We released.

Do not share.

We've been

trying to tell you we're in high school.

I think you accidentally added us to a government chat.

In that case, we were totally pranking you guys for a while.

But would you mind emailing your names and home addresses

to deportations@ice.gov?

Hey, could be worse.

We could have added the editor of The Atlantic again.

You did?

I am also here.

And can I just say two things one.

Seth, you have got to lose my number and two

LIVE FROM NEW YORK IT|S SATURDAY NIGHT!!!!

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

>> Announcer: IT'S "SATURDAY

NIGHT LIVE."

WITH --

MUSICAL GUEST MORGAN WALLEN.

AND YOUR HOST, MIKEY MADISON.

LADIES AND GENTLEMEN -- MIKEY

MADISON!

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

Thank you, thank you, thank you very much.

It's been a crazy month.

The film I was in, I just won five Oscars.

So in April, I'm going to bed.

As you can tell, I have a pretty relaxed vibe in real life,

and I try to incorporate that into all my roles.

Take a look.

Just to clarify, those were.

Two different characters who were lit on fire.

And that's range.

Growing up, I actually never planned on

being an actor when I was a kid.

I was a very proud, self-proclaimed horse girl.

For those of you unfamiliar, a horse girl

is basically a nerd, but with long hair.

I even did homeschooling so I could spend

more time at the barn with the horses.

Here's a photo of me and my pony Thumbelina on Halloween.

Yeah, I honestly don't know.

What's worse.

The fact that I did a couple's costume

with my horse, or the fact that I created a backstory.

So we were jailbird nerds, arrested

for the crime of stealing each other's hearts.

And now it's so hard

to believe I was homeschooled right?

I've always been really close with all my siblings,

and actually, my twin brother is here to support me.

Let's see if you can guess

which one of these guys is my twin brother.

Actually.

If you guessed the one who looks like Ron

Weasley on testosterone, you win.

You know, in a way, I.

Kind of feel like horseback riding

prepared me for doing it and for doing Anora.

But instead of riding horses, I was riding a Russian twink.

I performed all

my own stunts for the film, including all the dancing.

So it does kind of bother me

when people assume it wasn't actually me on the pole,

because it was, and I can prove it right now.

In a minute.

But here goes.

I'm. Get down, get down, get down,

down.

Get down.

I want to get dirty.

Get down.

We've got a great show for you tonight.

Morgan Wallen is here. So stick around we|ll be back!

And swear I was so close

to booking that Burger King commercial.

Well, this class is going to help.

The teacher theater is a genius.

Hello. Sorry I'm late.

I hit a guy with my car,

and he was being really weird about it.

Welcome to commercial acting, where the number one rule is

you're not selling a product.

You're telling the story.

New students.

Show me something nice. Okay.

Paul and I are working on a scene from a Flonase commercial.

It's allergy season.

I've got a runny nose, itchy eyes, and I'm sneezing.

What should I do? You should try Flonase.

Stop a word from me.

The problem is, you're not engaged.

You're listening.

But you're not actively listening.

Connie me my star student. My queen.

Come up here now do the lines and I will actively listen.

Ready and action.

It's allergy season. You said what!

for real?

Oh, no

Sneezing like this.

That's how

Flonase

Yeah, I'm sorry.

But I feel like that was a little distracting.

Oh, really?

And who's the expert here?

You with zero acting credits.

Or me with three?

Number one.

Wipe out.

Busted my face on a big red ball.

Number two.

What would you do with John Quinonez?

I did not help and was racist.

Number three, White Lotus auditioned for the incest scene

with my biological brother.

And I didn't hate it.

So you didn't get the part

and you made out with your own brother?

David, can I tell you something that might sound a bit mean?

I would give anything for you to lose your hair

and not be able to fix it.

Now, does anyone have any questions for me?

Yes. You in the back?

Yeah. I'm getting my headshots taken tomorrow.

Do you have any advice?

Yes. I recommend doing one head on and one in profile.

I actually brought mine with me today.

Because we're clearly mug shots.

Yes, and they cost me nothing.

It's called a win win.

I got free headshots and I got to drive while drunk.

Brianna. Penelope, get up here.

Do your Nike ad before I freak out.

Hey, I couldn't help but notice your shoes.

Thinks they're Nike's.

Stock, but it's a shoe ad, right?

Not a.

You add the shoe needs to enter before you can.

Penelope. Away from me.

And action!

I couldn't help but notice your shoes.

Oh, these

These are from Nike.

Nike.

Just do it already.

That's not even the slogan.

Go to sleep.

Now. Another audition tape.

Memorize your lines, guys. Okay.

For instance, Connie can do any line

from any movie off the top of her dome.

Connie, my slippery little beaver, come up here.

Forrest Gump. Now.

My mama always said life is.

A line like line. A line box.

Line of. Line. Chocolate, chocolate.

Tom Hanks could never.

Why is this class $2,000?

I can't even remember a single word.

And that's like a really famous quote. Hi.

You're talking to the college

student in the class who has booked anything.

Okay, put some respect on her name.

Connie. Tell them your credits.

Number one.

Survivor. Total ocean water.

Medically evacuated.

Number two, Hell's Kitchen.

Gordon Ramsay called me a donut.

Number three, love is blind.

Fell in love, then saw him and said, no. Bitch.

Bellissima.

And as I said, the most important part of any

ad is the slogan.

So someone shout out a company

and we will do a perfect ad read of their slogan.

And I'll say insurance.

Got it.

And action on myself.

Exterior. Football field.

I'm the coach.

It's the fourth quarter.

We need a Hail Mary.

Any ideas?

Coach, I got the best hands on the team.

You've got to give me a shot.

Fine.

You're in good hands.

And scene

Connie. You're pathetic.

Thank you.

Maybe one day I'll win an Oscar.

I don't even know what that is. Let's get out of here.

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

* NEW YORK ON THE WEEKEND GOT

ALL DAY TO SEE MY FRIENDS *

* WE COULD GO TO BRUNCH OR

MUSEUMS *

* THERE'S A NEW MOVIE WE COULD

SEE THEM *

* RIDE A BIKE HAVE A FLING OR DO

OUR ABSOLUTE FAVORITE THING *

* WHICH IS JUST TO WAIT IN A BIG

DUMB LINE *

* A BIG DUMB LINE ALSO THE CRAZY

LINE *

* FOR A BAGEL THAT WENT VIRAL

FOR A PIZZA THAT WENT VIRAL *

* WE'RE WAITING IN A FAT-A IS SS

LINE *

>> ISN'T NEW YORK AMAZING?

WHERE ELSE CAN YOU GET ON TIKTOK

AND --

* WAIT IN A BIG OLD LINE A BIG

OLD LINE

* GUMMY BEARS FROM A POTLUCK

STORE *

>> HAVE YOU BEEN HERE LONG, YEAH

SIT 7.

>> I'VE BEEN HERE SINCE 2011.

>> MUST BE WORTH IT, IT'S A

REALLY LONG LINE.

* I WAITED THREE HOURS *

* HOW WAS THE MARCH FINE *

* I WAITED FOUR HOURS *

* HOW WAS THE YOGURT FINE *

* I WAITED SIX HOURS *

* HOW WERE THE NOODLES *

* BAD *

* OH, MY GOD THERE'S ANOTHER

LINE *

* A LONGER BIGGER LINE *

* WHAT'S IT FOR MY FEET DIVINE *

* CRONUTS CROISSANTS IN A

DOUGHNUT *

* A PIZZA THAT'S A SALAD *

* FISH THAT'S CANDY *

* IF YOU KNOW THEN YOU KNOW *

* IT'S A BIG FAT LINE *

* I CAN'T DO THIS ANYMORE I'VE

FORGOTTEN WHAT WE'RE WAITING

FOR.

*

>> THERE'S ONLY ONE WAY TO FIND

OUT GET IN A BIG FAT LINE.

>> I'M TIRED, IT'S GETTING DA,

DARK, I'M LEAVING.

I'M LEAVING!

>> NO!

>> YES!

* BELIEVE IN YOURSELF *

* BELIEVE IN THE LINE *

* YOU DESERVE THIS VIRAL GREEK

YOGURT *

* DON'T GIVE UP AMELIA EARHART *

* SHE WANTS YOU TO *

>> I'M IN LINE.

* WAIT IN A BIG FAT LINE A BIG

FAT LINE *

* YOU CAN ONLY TASTE IT IF YOU

GET IN A BIG-ASS LINE *

*

*

* OH, MY GOD WE'RE AT THE FRONT

THE FRONT OF A FRICKIN' LINE *

>> HOW IS IT?

>> IT'S -- GOOD.

IT'S LIKE, YOU KNOW.

PIZZA.

>> GOOD.

* PARTY IN A FAT-ASS LINE *

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

Now, if anyone from the jury pool has a reason

they're incapable of serving, we will hear those now.

And to be clear, your reasons cannot be work related.

We'll start with you, sir.

Is there any non-work

related reason you wouldn't be able to serve?

I have work, sir.

What did I just say?

We're not accepting work conflicts.

I highly doubt that applies to me.

I'm a CEO.

Ever heard of a little company called.

Oh, I don't know.

Google birds mobile dog grooming services.

Sit back down, sir.

Next.

My name is Quinn.

And I would be the most excellent choice

to be the judge in this case.

No, I'm already the judge.

So I would be the star witness.

No, sir.

This is jury duty.

Oh, then perhaps in that case, I could be the judge.

Yeah, I'll allow it.

Allow yourself.

Next. Ma'am.

Why are you unfit to serve?

Does the work exemptions rule apply to

celebrities?

Are you a celebrity?

Depends.

Ever heard of a little family called the Kardashians?

Because I'm one of the people Caitlyn Jenner hit with her car.

So you are not worth a shot.

Okay. Next.

And, ma'am, I'm going to go ahead

and assume you're unfit

because you don't trust the police. Wow.

And you know what?

That assumption is extremely biphobic.

Wow. Okay, well, you're dismissed regardless.

Next. Hi.

I don't have an excuse because.

But you heard enough of those in your life.

And can I just say, it is so refreshing to see

a strong woman of color. No.

And you just got yourself 16 months.

Next.

Yes. Hi. I'm an essential worker.

And what is your job?

Does this answer your question?

Have your say.

I got 99 problems. Brooklyn.

Now I'm actually more confused.

What is your job?

I, prank call restaurants pretending to be Jay-Z

for a morning radio show.

Allow me to reintroduce myself.

My name is Todd Mongeau with hot 106.

The group room.

Next.

Now, I assume you need to be dismissed

for childcare purposes.

I don't have any kids.

I do this for me.

Dismissed.

Next.

I'm afraid I cannot serve as I could not be impartial.

I already know he's guilty because I'm from the future.

The defendant is a she.

Sit back down.

I suppose in that case, I must return to the future.

We got a crawler

Next.

Hi. I know you said no work exceptions,

but I have a really big night coming up at work.

Jay-Z is eating at my restaurant.

Ma'am, I do not know how to tell you

this, but this sounds to me

like the work of a man named Todd Mongo.

Okay. Next.

I see what y'all trying to do.

Y'all trying to put a black man in jail.

So you need a black man on the jury

so you can sleep at night.

Sir, everyone involved in this case is Korean American.

Okay, I see what this is.

Y'all trying to put a Korean American

man in jail, so you need a proud Korean American man.

Enough. Next. Next.

I have a question.

Has Luigi been receiving my nudes?

Excuse me.

It's a simple question, Your Honor.

Has Luigi Mangione been receiving the photograph

of my bare breasts and spread posterior?

What?

You're dismissed.

Overruled.

Yeah.

I'd like to see where this goes.

Why don't you, approach the bench

where I can examine them nudie pictures?

Both of you are dismissed.

Next.

Hi. I'm Chloe Fineman, and I've prepared

some impressions for you.

This is Parker Posey in White Lotus.

Piper, no.

No impressions in my court.

No, no, please, please, I need this.

Piper. Na.

No, ma'am.

All right, all right.

Next.

I just want to say I have been receiving

that woman's nudes.

And, ma'am, you got to stop.

Well, you're not supposed to be here, Mr.

Mangione. Bailiff. Next.

And you know what, sir?

You know, I'm going to go ahead and dismiss you now. Wow.

Let me make a wild guess.

It's because I'm white.

Guys, I'm having a really tough day.

This morning, my kid threw up and, yeah, some got in my mouth.

So I really, really need the next person to be normal.

So, sir, tell me, why do you need to be dismissed?

These beautiful things

that I've gone through.

No no no no, no, the trial is canceled

These beautiful things I|ve done

Fort Lauderdale is crazy.

>> I KNOW, RIGHT?

>> BABE, DO YOU HAVE YOUR

CHARGER?

>> YEAH, I THINK IT'S IN MY BAG.

**

HEY, BABE.

THE SOCCER GUYS WANTED TO MEET

UP LATER --

>> ZACH.

IS THIS AN ENGAGEMENT RING?

>> IT'S SUPPOSED TO BE A

SURPRISE.

>> BABY, SLOW DOWN.

>> HAD THE WHOLE THING PLANNED

FOR TOMORROW NIGHT AT THE BEACH.

>> OH, MY GOD.

[ LAUGHTER ]

>> WHAT'S WRONG?

>> CRAZY DRUNK BITCH!

>> WHAT'D YOU CALL MY GIRL?

>> WE CAN'T GET ENGAGED.

>> WHY NOT?

[ LAUGHTER ]

>> I'M STILL IN COLLEGE.

>> I LOVE YOU, SADIE.

>> YOU OKAY, MAN?

>> AND I THOUGHT YOU LOVED ME.

>> I DO LOVE YOU.

>> HE'S OKAY!

>> YOU KNOW THAT.

>> LADY!

WHAT'S UP?

WHAT SCHOOL Y'ALL GO TO?

>> THEN WHAT'S THE PROBLEM?

WE'VE TALKED ABOUT GETTING

MARRIED.

>> SOMEDAY.

I JUST --

>> NO WAY, I GO TO HARVARD TOO!

>> I JUST THINK WE NEED TO

GRADUATE AND LIVE SOME LIFE

FIRST.

>> I SEE.

>> SIR, THIS AREA IS FOR HOTEL

GUESTS ONLY, OKAY?

>> HOW YOU KNOW I AIN'T ONE?

>> YOU WANT TO BE WITH OTHER

GUYS, HUH?

>> YOU ARE NOT A COLLEGE

STUDENT.

AND YOU ARE NOT A GUEST.

>> DON'T DO THAT.

I DON'T WANT TO BE WITH ANYBODY

ELSE.

OUR LIVES ARE JUST GETTING

STARTED.

AND I DON'T WANT TO RUSH INTO

ANYTHING.

>> I'M NOT RUSHING.

I THOUGHT A LOT ABOUT THIS,

SADIE.

IT'S ALL I'VE THOUGHT ABOUT.

>> I'M GONNA JUMP OFF THE

BALCONY INTO THE POOL!

>> YOU THINK I'D GO OUT AND

SPEND EVERY DIME I HAD ON A RING

IF I HADN'T THOUGHT ABOUT IT,

BABY?

>> JAZZY, JAZZY, JAZZY, AAHHH!

>> I DON'T NEED A RING TO KNOW

THAT YOU LOVE ME, ZACH.

>> I'M FINE.

I'M FINE.

>> I JUST FEEL STUPID NOW.

>> ZACH.

>> LADIES, LADIES!

Y'ALL WANT TO GO ON A JET SKI?

>> YEAH.

>> NO.

>> DON'T FEEL STUPID.

>> THERE YOU ARE.

>> OH NO.

>> DO IT!

>> YOU'RE A MAN.

>> YOU CAN DO THIS.

ARRGGHH!

I LOVE THAT [ BLEEP ]!

>> CRAZY WHITE BOY.

>> SURE.

>> YOU RAN OVER MY FOOT, LADY!

>> I GUESS I'LL SEE IF I CAN

RETURN IT.

>> IF YOU WANT TO.

>> MY SCOOTER NOW, BITCH!

>> YOU CAN KEEP IT.

>> ANYBODY, HELP!

>> SOMEDAY, AFTER WE'VE GROWN

TOGETHER AND WE'RE READY, YOU

CAN GIVE IT BACK TO ME.

>> OH!

>> YOU WANT THIS DEAL?

>> DEAL?

>> DEAL.

>> POOL'S CLOSED.

>> HEY.

>> POOL IS CLOSED.

>> WHAT IF I GO GET A PIZZA AND

SOME BEERS AND WE STAY IN

TONIGHT?

>> I'D LOVE THAT.

**

>>> LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, MORGAN

WALLEN.

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

**

**

* YOU SAY I'LL NEVER CHANGE

I'M JUST A GO AROUND TOWN

WITH SOME GASOLINE *

* JUST TRYIN' TO BUM A FLAME

GONNA BURN THE

WHOLE PLACE DOWN *

* HOW DO YOU EXPLAIN

EVER FALLIN' IN LOVE

WITH A GUY LIKE ME

IN THE FIRST PLACE *

* WHEN TURN AROUND SAY

THAT I'M THE WORST THING *

* I GUESS I'M THE PROBLEM

AND YOU'RE

MISS NEVER DO NO WRONG *

* IF I'M SO AWFUL

THEN WHY'D YOU

STICK AROUND THIS LONG *

* AND IF IT'S THE WHISKEY

THEN WHY YOU KEEP ON

PULLIN' IT OFF THE SHELF *

* YOU HATE THAT WHEN

YOU LOOK AT ME

YOU HALFWAY SEE YOURSELF *

* AND IT GOT ME THINKIN'

IF I'M THE PROBLEM

YOU MIGHT BE THE REASON *

**

* WE TRY TO GO

OUR SEPARATE WAYS

WE'RE BACK AND FORTH

LIKE A SWINGIN' DOOR *

* AND TOMORROW'S

LIKE YESTERDAY

SOME DAYS BETTER THAN

THE NIGHT BEFORE *

* AND YOU'RE BACK

WITH ME AGAIN

THEN YOU GO AND

TELL YOUR FRIENDS *

* THAT I'M THE PROBLEM

AND YOU'RE

MISS NEVER DO NO WRONG *

* IF I'M SO AWFUL

THEN WHY'D YOU

STICK AROUND THIS LONG *

* AND IF IT'S THE WHISKEY

THEN WHY YOU KEEP ON

PULLIN' IT OFF THE SHELF *

* YOU HATE THAT WHEN

YOU LOOK AT ME

YOU HALFWAY SEE YOURSELF *

* AND IT GOT ME THINKIN'

IF I'M THE PROBLEM

YOU MIGHT BE THE REASON *

**

* IF I'M SUCH A

WASTE OF BREATH

SUCH A WASTE OF TIME *

* THEN WHY YOU ON YOUR WAY

TO WASTE ANOTHER

FRIDAY NIGHT *

* IF I'M THE PROBLEM

AND YOU'RE

MISS NEVER DO NO WRONG *

* IF I'M SO AWFUL

THEN WHY'D YOU

STICK AROUND THIS LONG *

* AND IF IT'S THE WHISKEY

THEN WHY YOU KEEP ON

PULLIN' IT OFF THE SHELF *

* YOU HATE THAT WHEN

YOU LOOK AT ME

YOU HALFWAY SEE YOURSELF *

* AND IT GOT ME THINKIN'

IF I'M THE PROBLEM

YOU MIGHT BE THE REASON *

**

**

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

It's Weekend Update with Colin Jost

and Michael Che.

Good evening everyone.

Welcome to Weekend Update.

I'm Michael Che, Colin Jost.

Well, this week we learned our entire national

security team has the texting skills of my Aunt Janet.

Secretary of defense Pete Hegseth, seen here

indicating how many days since his last drink.

Sent a detailed attack plan

for an airstrike in Yemen to a text

chain that accidentally included

the editor of the Atlantic magazine,

of all people, to accidentally add to the chat.

It was the editor of The Atlantic.

That's like if you were planning a surprise quinceanera

and you cc Jared from subway.

Take his side.

After the attack, National Security Adviser Mike

Walsh texted the group.

The fist emoji, the flag emoji and the Tesla emoji.

Wolf later explained this was his real explanation

that the journalist's number

must have gotten, quote, sucked onto his phone.

Worse, he then tried to get rid of the number by saying, Siri,

how do I suck the journalists off?

Of course, before the full transcript was released,

Haig's have had denied

that any sensitive attack plans were shared saying this.

Nobody was texting

war plans and that's all I have to say about that,

That's all I have to say about that.

Why does that sound familiar?

And that's all I had to say about.

Oh, man.

He went full gum

and severed heads.

Half life is more like a box of wine.

Homeland Security Secretary Kristi Noem visited

a prison holding deported migrants in El Salvador.

Even though it looks more like

she's trying to beat a world record on only fans.

FBI Director Casper Patel announced that the agency

is launching an investigation into anti Musk vandalism

at Tesla dealerships, calling the acts domestic terrorism,

which is a federal crime punishable by a full pardon.

Yeah.

No, you know what?

Those processes better be very careful,

because Patel has eyes everywhere.

Yeah, he does.

Vice president J.D.

Vance, seen here watching the plane

leave Greenland without him.

Continued his sad reboot of Veep this week

by by visiting our military base

there and delivering the administration's

clearest threats so far.

Either Greenland joins the U.S., or the U.S.

will keep sending them.

J.D. Vance.

And an anonymous survey of oil executives reveals

that many of them think President Trump's

drill baby drill message is a myth,

and his tariffs are a disaster.

But there's one billionaire oil man who still supports

Donald Trump. Did he?

Oh, man.

Come on, have perfect.

Oil, man.

How are you, man?

This week, the Secret Service

intercepted a toddler after he slipped

through the fence outside the white House.

Anyway, he's here now.

This is a dirty show.

Yeah.

Colorado officials have removed a portrait of President Trump

from the state capitol after Trump complained

that it didn't look good, calling

it purposefully distorted.

In the artist's defense, Trump did pose for the portrait

with a hamburger inside his mouth.

Fitness influencer

Ashton Hall has made headlines this week with his morning

routine videos that have garnered.

Yeah, you know, the guy.

They've garnered nearly 1 million views online.

Here to comment is our very own Devin Walker.

Here you will rise and Brian say.

Rise and grind.

It's midnight bro.

Oh, right. Right, right.

I've been grinding so much that I've been losing track of time.

You know,

everybody's been talking about this dude's videos

and his morning routine, but I've been doing that, all right?

He stole my whole flow.

Word for word, bar for bar.

You do that? Yeah, man.

How do you think I got to where I am today?

Out of all the cast members that are currently on SNL,

I'm definitely one of them.

I don't know, I've never seen you do anything like that.

Jay, you don't be coming to work.

For those of y'all at home.

This the first time I seen this man all week.

I think people need to know my work schedule, brother.

You know, I knew you wouldn't believe me.

And so me and my team put together a little short film.

Okay.

And on our SNL 50, this is the day in the life

of an SNL cast member.

Hey, yo, y'all play that video, okay?

It's.

You like that?

You like that?

Who's this for?

Also, are you sleeping in your dressing?

Yeah, man, you got to be at work to be at work.

Okay. I'm trying to be one of the greats.

And that don't come without sacrifice.

So I sacrifice my apartment.

Some would

call that eviction, but I call that being locked in.

Well, it sounds like you're locked out.

The only place we see was at Buffalo Wild Wings.

This man be drinking

craft beers and dropping pins for the waitresses to pick up.

I have slippery hands.

Hey, yo, just play the next video, man.

This next part is about my writing process.

Okay.

And lie and lie and laugh.

Thank you.

Do you know who this is?

Yes. Jay. Pharoah.

I'm jay Pharoah.

Are you okay?

Oh, so now you care about the only black person

who works here? I'm black too.

I said who works here?

What do you do?

From Monday to Friday?

You got no wife, no kids.

They pay you as much as Colin.

Because.

Because. Colin. Be here. My business.

All right.

I think you might be doing too much, is all I'm saying.

Course you think I'm doing too much.

Because, again, you don't be here

to watch arrested man.

You might learn yourself a little something.

I don't know.

Oh, God.

Thank you.

You're welcome. Kay.

Devon, the sketch is cut.

Yeah, but

wait.

What?

Devon.

What? They.

Did you shoot this shutter on Monday? On a Monday?

We don't write sketches until Tuesday.

What did you do for the rest of the week?

Can I be honest?

Yeah, I just be roaming around the office

pretending to be you because you don't be here.

Play it flat.

Flat. Nice to meet you. I'm Michael Che. Great to meet you.

Great to meet you. So nice to meet you.

Devin Walker, everybody.

You know, I'm not sure I'm here, but we met you.

A Trump is backing a bill

that would protect people from deep fake revenge porn.

Which I have sadly been the victim of.

Will Smith

has released his first new album in 20 years, and ironically,

the album doesn't slap.

Thank you.

Thank you. Thank you.

Please sit. Down.

Sit down.

The genetic testing company, 23 in me

says it is bankrupt and also 2% Cherokee.

I thought.

A judge in England sentencing two men

for stealing

a statue of Paddington Bear, said their actions were

the antithesis of everything Paddington stands for.

You know, everyone thinks Paddington is so great.

Which brings me to my segment.

Hear me out.

What?

Hear me out.

Oh, Paddington is a toxic bitch.

He's an illegal immigrant,

freeloading off a nice, gullible white family.

His sticky little marmalade paws

are just waiting to rip open that trench coat

so we can flash our straight children.

I can't wait to call ice

on his Peruvian ass.

Are you okay, cow?

No, this is Ben.

Hear me out.

West Virginia has become the first state to ban

artificial food dyes, which should make food healthier

for the baby you had with your cousin.

Three

teenage girls in Texas tried to stab their mother

to death after she turned off the Wi-Fi.

This story is brought to you by plan B.

Get them before they get you.

I got the baby brand.

Frida is releasing a breast milk flavored ice cream.

The flavor is called What Happened to You?

Scientists say that they've developed a way of making foie

gras that does not involve force feeding ducks.

Wow. That's great, said ducks.

What about the murder?

A 66 year old

woman in Germany has given birth to her 10th child.

This, according to her vagina's suicide note.

But Regina killed himself.

This is a weird transition this week, Joann.

Fabric

hosting Jo-Ann fabric announced it will be closing

all of its stores by the end of April,

as the company has filed for chapter 11 bankruptcy.

Here to comment is Joann.

Marlowe's column.

Hello everybody.

I wish I were here under better, better circumstances.

Oh that's okay. Joann from Joann's.

I'm just I'm so sorry about all the store closures.

It's not okay.

Closing a Joann's in the suburbs is like closing

a Planned Parenthood in a college town.

Women will. Die.

I don't

know about that, but this clearly means a lot to you.

It means a lot

to every Capri wearing woman

with a boring husband and a mean dog.

I just don't understand.

Where do we go wrong?

Joann's has everything.

Fluorescent lighting,

plastic succulents with six layers of dust on them.

And the best part?

Every cashier is a retired nurse with two wrist braces

and the biggest breasts you've ever seen.

Yeah, that's right, I vented.

Joanne.

I truly don't understand.

Last year was our best year yet.

We made for thousand dollars

in total.

I know right?

But it was never about the money to me.

I've been the boss for 80 years and I've never stopped working

in store.

Every day I was living my dream.

First thing I do

when I get in, I check that we always have Halloween stuff.

Then I sweep the dust

into a pile and spread it back out.

Power.

Sniff a permanent marker and I drive home.

That's your whole day at the store.

Joanne's is more than just a store.

It's a sanctuary for women

who wear pants to the beach.

Joanne, where are we going to now?

I don't know.

Target or Michael's?

Michael's.

Michael's.

Arts and crafts.

Let me tell you a little something about Michael.

He raped me.

Oh, my God, Joey.

Oh, fine. He didn't.

Shoot me.

You can't just say that.

I don't even know.

What I can say anymore.

Are you drinking right now?

You know what ruined us? Feminism.

No, feminism destroyed us.

Teach a woman to read and she'll never craft again.

Now we all want to be CEOs.

Well, guess what, CEO.

You kill Joann fabric.

Oh my God. No! Joann.

Looks great.

I understand your distress, but you got it.

I mean, you lost a ton of money

because you were constantly running huge sales.

You can't sell without sales.

And right now, we're running our biggest sale yet.

You know, go, go. Bogo.

Yes! Buy one, get one.

Oh, well, we're doing Bon Pago FOMO.

Let go, Homo.

It stands for buy once, never pay again.

Oh, females only.

Maybe one local homosexual.

Jillian for Jillian.

Fabric, everyone.

Now we're getting the weekend

Goodnight!

So do you think

O'Shaughnessy is really going to hit us tonight?

If pop ain't worried, I am worried.

Right. Well, Poppy, not what he used. To be like.

Hey, you watch your mouth.

I'm still the biggest dork in the game.

Boys.

My boys, please.

We've enough enemies as it is.

We have to be united now. Sam.

You're sorry. Pop.

Yeah, pop. Sorry about that.

My sweet boys.

We should.

Could have give you a life away from this mess.

Now I'm just an old man.

An old man.

Full of regret for

some of.

You out of here!

Wait! No! Boys, please listen.

I don't have time.

Just know that I love you, boys.

We love you too, Papa.

I've got so many regrets.

So much I never got to do.

Never got to see my grandkids grow up.

Never got to make an honest woman out of your mother.

Oh, come on, pop, don't talk like that.

We're going to get you out of here.

Never got to do stand up.

And we did what?

Stand up comedy.

Boys wanted to try it, but the never did.

Oh. Okay, pop.

So. Yeah.

And I did, for one thing, it's like,

you know, I got those signs on the bus that says it's like,

it's like, illegal to beat up the bus driver.

Yeah.

Pop, I I've seen those signs yet.

Yeah. So the joke would be like,

okay, now I won't.

You know, like, oh, I was.

Gonna be there. There's other signs.

Okay.

Yeah, yeah yeah, yeah. That's funny.

Yeah, it's funny. Funny. Yeah.

I feel like I might have heard it before, but.

But we gotta get out of here, man.

We got idea for another one.

It's like,

you ever see a bird walking across the street?

Yeah. Yeah, yeah. You pop? Sure. Yeah.

It's like why?

You know, it's like, hey, bird, you can fly.

What you walking for?

Okay. Yeah. That's good.

Let's. Come on. Get out of here. Come on.

I want to try it on these guys.

Not no.

Hey, you guys ever see a bird.

On the ground,

Come on.

Oh, oh.

Oh my God, sweetheart!

My baby.

What are you. Doing?

Come on, you're not supposed to be.

I told you this. What happened? Your big love.

What am I. Supposed to do without you?

Marie, listen to me.

So I got to ask you.

Who is that great joke you came up with last night?

Which woman to share your bowling shoes?

Listen to this guy.

Yeah.

So, bowling shoes is like, when you go bowling,

they make you put on those goofy shoes, and it's like, what?

To protect the floor, mom.

So I can whip a 15 pound bowling ball down a lane,

and the floor is fine, but God forbid I wear my schedule,

you know, like, what's going to happen.

And, then you do your catchphrase.

Oh, right. My catchphrase.

Make that make sense.

Oh, Ma, you're a part of this, too.

Yeah. I'm a writer.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Another one. It's like,

tell me this.

Why do some people say this?

And some people say, turtle,

what's with that?

Meaning that makes sense

with different animals parts.

Oh, really?

Yes, completely different animals.

Okay,

Joe probably doesn't work.

That does it?

Probably not pop. Probably not.

Well, well, well,

looks like the whole family's here.

Oh, screw you, O'Shaughnessy.

Hey. Easy now.

Yeah, I've been waiting for this a long time, old man.

Any last words? Yeah.

You ever notice how smart

phones make you stupid?

Those are your last words.

No. These are.

Make that make sense.

Wait, I got another one.

>>> ONCE AGAIN, MORGAN WALLEN.

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

**

* I AIN'T SAYIN' THAT

I ALWAYS SLEEP ALONE *

* I AIN'T SAYIN' THAT

I AIN'T MET NO ONE ELSE *

* DONE A LITTLE BIT OF

MIDNIGHT MOVIN' ON *

* AND I AIN'T SAYIN'

WHEN I DO THAT

IT DON'T HELP *

* LEAVE WITH SOMEONE

I DON'T KNOW HER NAME *

* PULL HER REAL CLOSE

BUT I LEAVE SOME SPACE *

* AND I COULD FORGET YOU

GIRL, FOR GOOD

EVEN THOUGH I SHOULD *

* I NEVER LET MY

HEART GO ALL THE WAY *

* EVERY TIME I TRY

I JUST HIT THE BRAKES *

* AND THERE'S ALWAYS

A COUPLE TRYNA

TAKE YOUR PLACE *

* BUT I NEVER FALL IN LOVE

BABY, JUST IN CASE *

* YOU WAKE UP

WANTIN' ME OUT OF THE BLUE *

* YOU LAY DOWN NEEDIN'

WHAT I USED TO DO *

* YEAH, EVERY NOW AND THEN

I GO GET A TASTE *

* BUT I NEVER FALL IN LOVE

BABY, JUST IN CASE

JUST IN CASE *

**

* I ALWAYS TAKE IT

TO THE EDGE

THEN I BACK IT UP *

* THEY DON'T KNOW

I GOT A REASON

FOR ACTIN' UP *

* I AIN'T FELT A DAMN THING

BABY, AFTER US *

* YEAH, I'M JUST HOPIN'

YOU'LL COME BACK TO US *

* THAT'S WISHFUL THINKIN'

BABY, HONESTLY *

* BUT I KNOW YOU

AIN'T FORGOTTEN ME *

* SO I NEVER LET MY

HEART GO ALL THE WAY *

* EVERY TIME I TRY

I JUST HIT THE BRAKES *

* AND THERE'S ALWAYS

A COUPLE TRYNA

TAKE YOUR PLACE *

* BUT I NEVER FALL IN LOVE

BABY, JUST IN CASE *

* YOU WAKE UP

WANTIN' ME OUT OF THE BLUE *

* YOU LAY DOWN NEEDIN'

WHAT I USED TO DO *

* YEAH, EVERY NOW AND THEN

I GO GET A TASTE *

* BUT I NEVER FALL IN LOVE

BABY, JUST IN CASE

JUST IN CASE *

* LEAVE WITH SOMEONE

I DON'T KNOW HER NAME *

* PULL HER REAL CLOSE

BUT I LEAVE SOME SPACE *

* YEAH, I COULD HAVE

THREE WORDS ON MY TONGUE

BUT I WON'T EVER SAY 'EM *

* 'CAUSE I NEVER LET MY

HEART GO ALL THE WAY *

* EVERY TIME I TRY

I JUST HIT THE BRAKES *

* AND THERE'S ALWAYS

A COUPLE TRYNA

TAKE YOUR PLACE *

* BUT I NEVER FALL IN LOVE

BABY, JUST IN CASE *

* YOU WAKE UP

WANTIN' ME OUT OF THE BLUE *

* YOU LAY DOWN

NEEDIN' WHAT I USED TO DO *

* YEAH, EVERY NOW AND THEN

I GO GET A TASTE *

* BUT I NEVER FALL IN LOVE

BABY, JUST IN CASE

JUST IN CASE *

**

**

>> PRAISE THE LORD AND GO VOLS BABY!

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

Okay, Mrs.

Nelson, it's time to start pushing.

But I can't do this without my midwife.

Oh, worry, Mrs.

Nelson, he's on his way. Deep breaths.

You're going to be okay.

Clear a path. Clear path.

I'm there. The midwife.

Finally.

Doctor Richards, this is my midwife, Barry. Hi.

Very nice to meet you.

Actually we've met.

Oh. I'm sorry.

Nice to see you.

Anyway, she's dilated ten centimeters

and she's already lost a lot of placenta.

And I've lost a lot of respect for you,

for not remembering me and makes me furious.

Oh, sorry.

Okay, okay. She's crowning.

We have to move the pain.

Then please have the epidural.

I've just pushed the baby out and the pain will go away.

To see you now.

We met at the Hilary Duff performance at the Today

Show during the Toyota Summer Concert Series at 8 a.m..

You know, I say more because I've said a lot.

Hilary Duff on the Today Show.

So what? We met in like 2007.

Okay. Historian.

Why are you up my ass anyway?

Well, you're being lazy. McGuire.

I was delivering this baby.

I can't do it.

Yes, you can just breathe. Laura.

She needs our midwife.

Clear a path. Clear a path.

I set a. Clear path

for the midwife.

Oh, Perry, it's so nice to see you again.

Again?

Have we met?

Bury for you. Serious?

As serious as a hurricane. Oh. Climate change.

It's 2020, What are you.

Guys talking about?

Let me explain.

Barry's acting like they've never met

because three years ago, Doctor Richards forgot

that they had already met at the today show.

Hilary Duff performance in 2007.

It was so long ago.

All I remember from that day was a grown man

wearing prescription New Year's Eve glasses.

Because that's pretty cool.

Anyway, while you were being doctor.

So yesterday I was delivering these babies.

Lesbos always have extras.

Oh, nothing like a Hilary Duff performance.

Start your day in.

Good morning. Hilary.

Yeah, and she's a brunet now, so,

you know, she's not a kid anymore.

Clear a path. Clear a path for Barry.

The number one Hilary Duff lover.

Oh, I can't see a thing.

These barricades are so far from Mr.

Richards.

By the way, I.

Ferguson, Elgin for Late Night with Conan.

That's why I'm dressed like this.

It's nice to meet you.

It's nice to meet you, too. Wow.

I love your hair.

I've always wanted to do blonds.

Oh, well, if you. Did, I wouldn't recognize you.

And that kind of crust is really rude.

Well, I'd hate that.

I'd hold a grudge against you for years.

Oh, Mrs.

Nelson, I can't believe you, baby.

Number two.

I know life and you and my midwife

remember each other, right?

Absolutely. Thank you.

Clear a path.

Clear a path for Barry, the forgiving midwife.

Barry.

I'm sorry. I'll never forget you again.

And I'll never forget Hilary's amazing career.

Let's hit it.

Twins! Wow.

Look, baby, it's your brother.

Nice to meet.

Actually, we've met.

Can't wait to meet Mikey.

I know, dude, I've heard she's like a really nice,

genuine, down to earth person.

Hey, hey. Yeah, I can do this.

Call a car. Just don't.

Hey, Mikey.

How are you?

I'm. It's crazy.

You know, between the Oscars and SNL, it's just like,

Yeah, yeah.

Why are you Squidward

and SpongeBob?

Why are you dressed as he.

Sorry, I just woke up.

I don't think through the song.

You're painted blue, homie.

Okay, I'll play along.

Hey, Squidward, remember when you ate all those

Krabby Patties and your thighs got huge?

And as a young woman in Hollywood,

you maybe don't comment on my thighs.

Oh, God, I'm sorry.

I would never comment on your body.

Oh, God.

Why are you all right? Why don't you just tell us?

Do you want to do a sketch about him?

I do not. Great. I would do a dramedy.

Because if you think about it, what is SpongeBob really about?

A funny. Sponge.

Exactly right.

About a friend group navigating life in their early 20s.

Martin said a funny sponge.

Oh, I can see it now.

It's an HBO style show with the characters

from SpongeBob we know and love, but live action.

Are you talking about a TV show

that would take like three years to develop?

Three years after they die?

What will everyone say?

I'm supposed to hate you, but I can't stop coming back.

Who cares about other people's opinions?

Sometimes you just have to laugh.

I me daughter is pregnant.

We were just trying to stay afloat.

And nobody teaches you how to swim through your 20s.

You've been living under a rock for years.

It's hard to start up again, but we're here to help.

Do you have any questions?

Is mayonnaise an instrument?

No, no, it's not.

This is gonna cost me so much money.

Money money money money.

Why do you keep bringing this up?

I just think it's a conversation that we need to have.

We're dancing around it.

I don't know what to do.

With a little money.

It was never about where we were going.

I love you, Squidward.

But who?

We were singing with f is for friends

who do stuff together for you.

It's for you and me.

In this world, anywhere,

any time before down here, it seems to me life.

Get it down.

Keep going, keep treading water.

Patience isn't an instrument either.

And now it's time to play.

So what are we?

Hello.

Hello.

I'm your host, Molly Wilson.

And welcome back to America's number one game show,

where I bring out people I personally am dating.

And we find out. So, like.

What are we? All right.

Our first contestant tonight, he shaved in my phone as Jeremy.

Ladies and gentlemen.

It's Jeremy.

Oh. It's true. Wow.

I didn't know that's what this show was.

Am I?

Am I the only contestant?

Why have you been seeing other people?

Because I haven't.

I'm sorry. What is this?

Question one.

Jeremy.

So, like, what are we?

That's so right.

If I, I guess if I can be completely honest.

Honesty is what we're looking for.

I just got out of a long relationship,

so I'm not looking for anything that serious.

So sorry, Jeremy.

That was the wrong answer.

That'll be -$10,000 from your personal bank account.

By my bank account. What? Yeah. Sorry.

Them's the rules.

But let's see what you would have won

if you answered correctly. Me?

Because I'm a prize.

All right, next question.

Even though I slept with you

seven times, it's been five days since you've hit me up.

So, should I just walk into the ocean with bricks in my pocket?

Or can you tell me what did I do wrong?

So I'm going to lose $10,000

just because I didn't want to label things.

I didn't do anything wrong.

Well, we'll see about that in our next round.

Is way that.

The other day you texted me.

Busy? Too late.

But want to link tonight?

That seems fine.

The time was 2:47 a.m..

Can you explain that text?

Game pass. All right.

How about this?

1:38 a.m.

text where you just said it all over to daddy.

Hungry for.

But I. I'm not done.

Ten minutes later, you question reacted your own message.

Can you explain that text.

I was hungry for? But.

Disappointing showing.

Jeremy, you're down $100,000,

but you have a chance to

make it all back and triple it with this next round.

Okay. Yeah, I'll do anything.

All you have to do is post a photo of us on Instagram

and tag me.

Okay.

I, can't do it,

but maybe we link up tonight

somewhere between 9 and 4 a.m..

Wow. Dude.

All right. Fine. Call me over.

Join us next time on somewhere.

What are we?

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

**

>>> CAN I SAY SOMETHING?

THIS IS A REALLY NICE ISLAND.

>> HM.

>> I HONESTLY THINK WE COULD DO

A CITY HERE.

>> YEAH?

LIKE A BIG CITY?

>> HUGE.

A CITY THAT'S JUST, LIKE TOO,

MUCH.

TOO MUCH EVERYTHING.

AND CRAZY.

>> OKAY.

I'M INTRIGUED.

>> THINKING DOWN AT THE BOTTOM,

STREETS ARE JUST CHAOS.

>> OH, LIKE LONDON.

>> EXACTLY.

>> LET ME WRITE SOME OF THIS

DOWN.

>> CRAZY AT THE BOTTOM, THEN

RANDOMLY THE STREETS ARE ALL

PERFECTLY STRAIGHT.

>> THEY JUST SWITCH?

OUT OF NOWHERE?

>> OUT OF NOWHERE.

THEY HAVE NUMBERS.

LIKE FIRST AVENUE, SECOND

AVENUE, THIRD AVD --

>> FOURTH AVENUE.

>> NO.

LEXINGTON.

AND THEN FOURTH AVENUE --

>> PARK AVENUE.

>> THEN?

>> MADISON AVENUE.

>> THEN FOURTH AVENUE?

>> FIFTH AVENUE.

>> OH, MY GOD, YOU ARE ON ONE

RIGHT NOW.

SO NO FOURTH AVENUE?

WHAT IF THERE WAS A BIG ROAD,

LIKE A BROAD WAY, THAT WENT

DIAGONAL ACROSS THE WHOLE THING?

>> GENIUS.

I LOVE THAT.

THERE WOULD BE JUST A BUNCH OF

RANDOM TRIANGLES EVERYWHERE.

>> RIGHT?

THEN LISTEN, WE CALL THE

TRIANGLES SQUARES.

>> OH, SO WE CALL THEM LIKE

TIMES SQUARE, WHATEVER, BUT

THEY'RE TRIANGLES.

HERE'S SOMETHING.

TREES.

>> WHAT DO YOU THINK?

>> LET'S SAY IT TOGETHER.

ONE, TWO, THREE --

>> PUT THEM ALL IN THE MIDDLE!

>> YES, ALL THE NATURE IN THE

MIDDLE OF THE CITY.

>> IT'S THERE, IT'S CENTRAL, WE

KNOW WHERE IT IS.

QUESTION, HOW DO PEOPLE GET

AROUND?

>> RANDOM IDEA, TUNNELS.

I KNOW THEY'RE NOT INVENTED YET,

BUT TRAINS GO IN THE TUNNELS.

>> THEY JUST GO WHERE THE

STREETS GO?

>> NO!

THEY DO THEIR OWN THING.

>> SOME GO THIS WAY.

ONE OF THEM JUST SPLITS IN HALF.

HELLO.

AND YOU FIGURE OUT WHERE THEY

GO.

THOSE ON YOU.

THAT'S YOUR PROBLEM.

>> WRITE THAT DOWN.

>> WILD PITCH, EVERYONE WHO

LIVES IN THE CITY GETS AN

[ BLEEP ].

>> YES.

MY TURN?

>> LITERAL SAME BRAIN.

>> INSPIRED.

>> AMAZING.

>> WE NEED A CITY WHERE EVERYONE

IS WELCOME.

AND EVERYONE HAS A LITTLE BIT OF

THEIR OWN CULTURE.

AND THAT'S WHAT MAKES IT GREAT.

BECAUSE IT'S A PLACE FOR ALL THE

PEOPLE IN THE WORLD TO LIVE IN

HARMONY.

>> NO!

>> THEY ALL HATE EACH OTHER.

>> ALL LIVE IN THEIR OWN

NEIGHBORHOODS WITH CONSTANT

PROBLEMS.

>>> THANK YOU SO MUCH, MORGAN

WALLEN.

I HAD A WONDERFUL TIME.

THANK YOU, ALL.

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]