Original subtitles

Good evening.

For ABC News, I'm David Muir.

And is it just me, or is it kind of handsome in here?

I had hoped the takeaway of the debate I moderated would be my striking good looks,

but unfortunately, it was whether or not I was biased towards the Democrats, which.

..

duh.

But in the interest of fairness, we'll be going

live to rallies from both candidates tonight.

Let's go first to Vice President Kamala Harris.

Well, well, well.

Look who fell out of that coconut tree.

Well, your fun aunt has returned.

The fun has been rebooted.

Too fun, too furious.

I am so happy to be campaigning in whatever swing state I'm in, which I will

just refer to as Wisconsin, Pennsylvania, Georgia.

Because I am going to protect your vajorga.

You see, my campaign is like the Sabrina Carpenter song Espresso.

The lyrics are vague, but the vibe slaps.

And sure, I like to laugh.

I do.

Let me tell you something.

If you start talking nonsense to me, I'ma hit you with one of these.

Now, now this election is about moving forward.

You see, Donald Trump is stuck in the past.

But it's like I say to my husband, Doug, when he leaves his phone at the Chili's.

We are not...

I am lucky enough to have a running mate who agrees.

Come on out here, Coach Walls.

Folks, I haven't been this excited since I got

a 10% rebate on a leaf blower from Menards.

What can I say?

I got that BDE.

Big Dad energy.

See what I did there?

You get it?

I got it.

I didn't want it, but I got it.

You know, Trump and Vance are weird.

All right?

They want the government to control what you

do in your bedroom and what books you read.

You know, in Minnesota, we have a saying, mind your damn business.

We also have another saying in Minnesota, my nuts froze to the park bench.

I got to be honest here, folks.

When Kamala I love this country.

And as a former teacher, I need the money.

This suit is from Costco.

It's a Kirkland brand.

They make great dog food.

Thank you, Tim.

Oh, thank you.

Wow.

You are loud.

What a loud and loud treasure.

Okay, we love him.

But, you know, Tim is not the only white dude for Harris here today.

There's a very special one who's given me so much,

including a sweet son and a very Brooklyn daughter.

It's my husband, Doug.

Hello.

Hello.

Tis I, Doug, the second gentlemensch, also known as Charlie Brown if he was a grownup.

Guys, how amazing is Kamala?

I mean, look at her.

I feel like I'm in one of those movies where Seth Rogen dates Charlie's Theron.

How did I get this woman?

And look, I've heard what the right says about me just because

I'm unapologetic about being a man supporting his wife.

Oh, he's a beta, a wife guy, a trad-huz, a little spoon.

Well, you know what?

If helping Kamala, who we call Mamala in my family, not sure if I mentioned that,

become president, being a little spoon, then you can cut my little butt.

Because I am proud to join the esteemed list of presidential spouses throughout

history, women and men, but all women that have stood by the president's side.

And I, for one, can't wait to decorate the White House for Christmas.

The theme will be Hanukkah.

She cleared it.

Yeah, and look, if anyone on the right tries to come for my wife, just remember,

I'm from L.A., Busta, okay?

You better raise up before I smack the taste out your nephew.

Yeah, this is West Side Connect.

Me and Kay is L.A.

to the Bay trick.

Don't start no stuff won't be no stuff, Donald!

Okay, bump, bump, bump, doggy, doggy, doggy.

We're not gonna do that tonight, all right?

We need those middle states, okay?

All right?

Go cool down, hot shot.

Yep, sorry, my sweet.

Whoo!

Oh, my goodness.

How much do I love that man?

We share a beautiful life in a beautiful home.

And if you try to enter my home, I will shoot you.

Viewers from New York and California, please close your ears.

I have a gun.

A cool one.

All right, come on back, New York and California.

Now, let's get crazy sexy cool and play some TLC.

Well, it certainly seems like a party over at the Harris rally.

Let's see how it's going now with Donald Trump at his rally, which is entering its

third hour.

Where the hell is everyone going?

Where are you going?

I see you trying to leave, but the doors are locked.

Come on back, we're having fun.

We love my rallies, except when someone does a bing-bong, bing-bing-bing right at me.

You know, that happened because of the rhetoric of the radical left.

They say that me blaming the Democrats for inciting

violence is the pot calling the cattle black.

But frankly, I didn't know the cattle was black

until very recently I thought the cattle was Indian.

But then he decided to turn black.

I miss Joe Biden, oh, Joe.

We miss Joe Biden, folks.

What we wouldn't give to have him stand next to me and behold, we had this in the

bag, but then they did a switcheroo and they swapped out Biden with Gamabala.

And now everything is chaos.

They're eating the dogs.

They're eating the cats.

They're taking your pets and they're doing freak-offs.

They're doing freak-offs with the dogs and they're making the geese watch.

It's very sad.

It's very sad.

They're doing a diddy.

And here's what I'm told by my running mate, JD Vance.

People are saying he was a bad pick and in many ways he was.

JD, come on up.

Thank you, president.

He's gone.

He's taking the glass with him.

That's fine.

Anyway, hello, hello.

It is I, JD Vance.

How much do we love Donald Trump?

You know, just this afternoon he told me, JD, you're like a

son to me because I don't like you and I'm stuck with you.

I'm sure you've all heard what the liberal media has been saying about me.

I'm a creep.

I'm a weirdo.

What the hell am I doing here?

I'll tell you what I'm doing here.

Getting this crowd hopped.

You guys are awesome.

Swing and a miss.

I want to talk platform.

It's called Project 2025.

Oh, we apologize.

The Trump campaign is asking us to cut away from his rally and to return instead

to vice president Harris, where the dancing appears to be wrapping up.

Oh, that felt good.

And Donald doesn't think I'm black.

Okay, listen up, everyone.

We couldn't have gotten here without one man and his name is Joe Biden.

Folks, that's right.

A lot of people forget I'm president, including me.

But guess what?

And by the way,

I think I did a pretty good job.

I passed more bills than any president in history.

But folks, we still got work to do.

No joke.

I'm being serious right now.

Come on.

And guess what?

And by the way, the fact of the matter is the rich don't pay their fair share.

They got a fair share.

We got to build back better, build back the better, the better, the better,

build back the better.

Can't believe it's not butter.

I

just want to say thank you, Joe Biden.

Thank you for putting country first and for handing over the reins.

I didn't want to.

They made me.

And guess what?

And by the way, the fact of the matter is no joke.

This is serious right now.

This is serious.

Anyway, in conclusion, me and Vice President Harris are the same.

Oh, OK.

Ha ha.

Great stuff.

Thank you, Joe.

Thank you so much.

Thank you.

All right.

Goodbye, Joe.

Now, listen, listen.

All right.

We got to stay focused.

OK, and let me tell you something.

If we win together, we can end the drama law

and the trauma law and go relax in our pajamas.

Come on in.

OK.

Hey, hey there.

Is that nice?

Yeah.

OK.

Hi there.

OK, get back here.

I don't know.

Oh, yeah.

I was going to say one more thing.

Oh, yeah.

Yeah.

Live from New York, it's Saturday night!

It's Saturday Night Live.

With Michael Che,

Andrew Dusbukes,

James Austin Johnson,

Colin Chote,

Ego Wodum, Sarah

Sharpen, Keenan Thompson,

Devin Whopper,

featuring Ashley Padilla, Emil Joaquin, Jane Wickline,

musical guest Shelley Rose,

host, Jane Smart.

Ladies and gentlemen, Jane Smart.

Thank you.

Thank you so, so very much.

I can't tell you how honored I am to be hosting the premiere episode of season 50.

It truly is incredible to be here.

I haven't gotten all dressed up and had hundreds of people clap for me in days.

Honestly, I remember watching the very first episode of SNL and thinking,

someday I'm going to host that show.

And this was the first Saturday that worked with my schedule.

But it's great to be in New York, even though I'm not from here.

This is where I started my career in show business.

Oh, my piano.

I was wondering where I put that.

Oh, thank you.

I moved to New York in my 20s, and I remember the first play I did.

It was an off-off-off-off-Broadway jersey, actually, I think.

But I always think of New York as home, even though I have a much nicer home in L .A.

I happen to like New York.

I happen to love this town.

I like the city air.

I like to drink of it.

The more I know of New York, the more I think of it.

I like the sound and the sight and even the stink of it.

I happen to like New York, especially this time of year.

I love autumn in New York.

All the garbage on the street is finally changing colors.

Beautiful, beautiful.

Oh, and I saw Mayor Adams in the news.

I didn't read it.

I'm sure it's for something good.

I happen to like New York.

I happen to like this town.

I started my career in New York around the same time Saturday Night Live started.

I didn't really believe it was live.

Seriously, I thought SNL stood for Saturday Night Laughs.

And then I watched the show and I thought, well, that can't be right.

I happen to like lesbians are obsessed with me.

I mean, my first play was all lesbian characters, so I had a lot of gay women

fans and apparently I do for hacks as well.

So I'm told.

I mean, just the other day, someone said, oh, it's true.

Oh, my God.

Have you not seen that one woman's podcast?

She wants to date you.

And I thought, cool.

At least I have options.

But I got to say, I just love this city.

There's nowhere else on earth like it.

It's a place where people have come for hundreds of

years from around the world to be who they want to be.

I happen to like New York.

I like its diversity.

I often ask myself, why should it be?

People come so far from across the sea.

I suppose it's because they agree with me.

They happen to like New York.

We happen to like New York.

New York.

We've got a great show for you tonight.

You must be in the lobby at the dentist

because you're watching the Game Show Network.

Welcome, welcome to $100,000 Pyramid Celebrity Edition.

I am your host, Michael Strahan, because Steve Harvey was busy.

Time to meet today's celebrity contestants.

We've got the viral sensation of the summer, the

somehow famous for one sentence, Hayley Welch.

That's the one, yep.

And Hayley, what charity are you supporting today?

I will be donating my winnings to someone who will

be very happy with them a year from now, myself.

Of course.

Well, today you playing alongside the star of the docu-series, chimp crazy,

Tanya Haddix.

I know that documentary, that documentary made me seem crazy, but that's all for TV.

I'm a normal lady.

And who's that you got on your shoulders there?

This is my husband.

Super duper.

And on the other side, joining us after his roughly

1000 Latin Grammy wins is the pop star Bad Bunny.

How you feeling Benito?

Honestly, I'm feeling like I'm too famous to be here right now.

Yesterday, I was on a yacht with LeBron and DiCaprio.

And now I next to the lady who making love to the monkey.

Where your partner today has been in some hot water recently

for the comments that he left on a pornographic website.

He is the Lieutenant Governor of North Carolina, Mark Robinson.

Oh, come on, man.

That was AI.

I ain't comment on all them amazing pornos.

Now, see, amazing makes me feel like you did it.

All right, I don't want to get into the minutia, but that ain't me.

I mean, what was my username?

Mini soldier.

Man, they got AI coming up with the coolest usernames.

Whatever you say.

Okay, the teams are set.

Round one.

Mark, we will start with you and Bad Bunny.

Let's go to the pyramid for your categories.

Okay, I want in the club.

Bobby, I love the club.

Mr. Bunny, you are one sexual fellow.

All right, in the club.

Mr. Bunny, you will be given the clues first.

30 seconds on the clock and begin.

Okay, this is like the main thing you do in the club.

Uh, cheat on your wife.

Okay, if the cops find this on you, you go to jail.

My cell phone, my personal cell phone.

Pass.

You pull it up on your phone and you go for a ride.

Nude Africa, the website Nude Africa.

Pass.

Okay, it feels good in the moment, but you always regret it.

Commenting I'm a black Nazi on a pornographic website.

Wow, that was an absolutely brutal performance.

What happened out there, Mark?

Uh, guess I got my own stuff going on.

Yeah, that you do.

Let's move on to Hailey and Tanya.

Guys, do you think you could beat that?

You're bad.

All right, Hailey, let's see your categories.

Okay, let's go with things babies need.

All right, 30 seconds on the clock and begin.

Uh, the thing they put in their mouth.

Banana.

Uh, pass.

Oh, um, where do they sleep?

Uh, cage, big blast cage.

What you got to change if you had an accident?

The lock to this big blast cage.

Pass.

Uh, the thing they do when they're upset.

Throw feces.

Uh, tear a cat in half.

Rip my sister's hands off because she got a new haircut.

Hey, oh my god, pass.

Focus on you, please, please.

All right, uh, this one is how babies get their food.

Oh, duh, breastfeeding.

Right at the buzzer.

I thought we were about to have the first game with absolutely zero points scored.

But finally, Tanya started thinking about human babies.

Nah, I didn't.

Up next, we will have more amazing celebrities, including,

you guessed it, the Turkish sharpshooter, Yusef Dikac.

Tell the monk to stop looking at me.

Uh-oh, we will be right back after I de -escalate this situation.

Thank you.

Times may be good on Wall Street, but on Main Street, communities are struggling.

Closed stores, shuttered businesses, empty parking lots.

When hard times hit, it's easy to feel like no one cares.

But help is on the way.

Because when others leave, we show up.

We don't see a dead-end town.

We don't see an abandoned Kmart.

We see a spirit.

A spirit Halloween.

Since 1983, Spirit Halloween has been helping our struggling communities by

setting up shop in every vacant building in

the country for six weeks and then bouncing.

And thanks to us, what used to be a condemned auto zone where a murder

happened is once again a thriving business where a murder happened.

We're here providing vulnerable communities with the things they need most.

Wigs that give you a rash, single-use fog machines, and costumes of famous

characters tweaked just enough to avoid a lawsuit.

But it's not just empty buildings we're investing in.

It's people by creating six-week jobs for some of America's hardest hit perverts.

Hi.

Hello.

Before I ring you up, are you over 18 years old?

No.

So I am not legally allowed to talk to you, so let

me grab one of my associates to help you out, okay?

I'm sorry.

It's gonna be good, though.

And the best part is we're able to help struggling areas in real time by stocking,

staffing, and opening a new location in minutes.

Spirit Halloween.

We're not just helping communities, we're also making dreams come true.

Excuse me, do you have a Taylor Swift costume?

You bet.

This isn't Taylor Swift.

And neither are you.

Spirit Halloween.

When you need us, we'll be here.

For six weeks.

Because on November 1st, we're gone.

And all this junk will be in a dumpster.

Spirit Halloween.

Coming and going soon.

Hi, I'm sorry to interrupt, but the writer you wanted to meet with is here.

Oh, thank you.

Send her in.

And Jess, we don't wear T-shirts here.

We're just...

Oh, good morning, everyone.

Hi, hi, Barbara Berkman.

Hi.

Barbara, thanks so much for coming, and please sit.

It's about my book, isn't it?

About how much you loved the new back book you asked me to write?

Uh, it is about that, yes.

You know, when you asked me to do this, I said, is Barbara Berkman really coming

out of retirement to write a map book when all she's ever done is romance novels?

But I'm so glad I did.

Well, unfortunately, some advance copies were sent out to

schools before we were able to proof the entire manuscript.

And?

Uh, well, there was some concern, especially about the word problems.

Oh, the word problems.

Those are the most fun to write.

Well, can I ask you to read the one at the top of page 96?

Well, okay.

Let's see.

Oh, 96.

Okay.

Okay, William has five apples and the body of a god.

Clarissa watched in awe as he bit into the apple flesh, the sticky sweet juice

running down his muscled neck and into the forbidden

mystery that lay beneath his sweat -stained undershirt.

How many apples does William have now?

So, obviously, we are worried that your style of romance

writing may have found its way into this textbook.

Really?

I don't see how.

Well, read the next one.

Okay.

Clarissa stared into the eyes of the Italian, losing herself completely in his musk.

He had the mind of a child with the hands of a gorilla and

there wasn't an inch of her body that hadn't been explored.

What's four minus six?

Yeah.

I mean, that's not appropriate.

How?

Look, kids don't like math.

I made it cool.

I even made the cover cool.

Look.

Yeah, yeah, we do see that's the problem.

That should not look like that.

Why don't you just read the next one, please?

Okay.

Clarissa had never even considered being with a woman and yet here she was,

bosom to bosom with Lady Harrington.

I thought we were going to learn some math, Clarissa said, to which Lady

Harrington replied, fine, then let's begin by subtracting you out of those panties.

That's not even a math problem.

Yes, it is.

These are gold.

What is 67 plus two, Father Norris asked.

Sixty-nine, Clarissa said with a smirk, that's easy.

Not that easy, Father Norris said, as he spun her around on the lazy Susan.

Girl, you cannot talk like that.

And what is the deal with Clarissa?

She's so easy.

Okay, if you don't like Clarissa, here's one without her.

Let's go skinny dipping, Roderick said, unbuttoning Clifford's shirt.

Won't people talk, Clifford asked.

Let them, Roderick replied, ripping off his

tuxedo and running erection last into the sea.

So write down your favorite number.

Okay, this is supposed to be an AP algebra book, not write down your favorite number.

And how do you run erection last?

And I miss Clarissa.

Well, then give me an example of what it is you want me to write.

It took Thomas 10 minutes longer to do his math homework than history.

If he spent two hours, how long did he spend on math?

Anyone hard?

I know I'm not.

Oh, no!

No, this always happens.

I try to write art and they just want some art.

Fine, fine.

Here, here's some math porn.

Oh, okay.

All right.

Earl opened the car door and his dong hit the driveway.

Wow, Clarissa said, that thing's gonna kill me.

How many tires are on a car?

No, we can't publish this.

But I do applaud the return of Clarissa.

So, what happens now?

I get fired.

I am so sorry to interrupt again, but the school's

called, the math scores are through the roof.

Oh,

well, well, well, well.

Well, Barbara, I guess we were very wrong.

Looks like romance isn't dead.

And just wait for the sequel.

Oh, hello, Clarissa.

Ladies and gentlemen, it's Jelly Run!

I let you drive around my mind.

Count the times you made me feel like I'm nothing.

Play me like a fool, like a fool.

Sayin', drank another whiskey, pop another pill.

Money makes you happy, heaven isn't real.

You won't find nobody to love because your heart's too proud.

Open in disguise, hiding your truth.

Another whiskey, pop another pill.

Money makes you happy, heaven isn't real.

You won't find nobody to love.

You'll blow a small hole in what you do.

And you would swear by poison, you, you're nothing but a liar.

Yeah, I walk right out the fire.

Yeah, they try to break me down, try to put me on the ground.

I don't give no whisper.

It's Weekend Update with Colin Jost and Michael Chang.

Good evening, everyone.

Welcome to Weekend Update.

I'm Michael Che.

I'm Colin Jost.

Well, it is our first show of the season, and there were so many insane political

stories this summer.

And everyone kept asking, are you so bummed you aren't on the air right now?

And I was like, I have a feeling there's going

to be more that happens when we get back.

For example, two hours ago, at a rally, Donald Trump called Kamala Harris,

quote, a mentally disabled person, just straight up, which is amazing.

I cannot believe that Trump admitted he lost

the debate to a mentally disabled person.

You can really tell that Trump is worried about this election

because now he's just lashing out, hoping anything will work.

Look, I could have been sunbathing on the beach.

You have never seen a body so beautiful.

Much better than Sleepy Joe.

What are you talking about?

You're saying you got a hotter body than Joe Biden?

I'm starting to worry that bullet got a little more than just the ear.

Speaking of, Melania Trump gave a rare TV interview this week in which she blamed

Democrats for creating conditions that led to Trump's assassination attempts,

which is ridiculous.

When Democrats want to take out a presidential candidate, they get the job done.

On Friday, New York mayor Eric Adams surrendered to federal authorities and was

arraigned on corruption and bribery charges where

he pleaded, don't hate the player, hate the game.

After Adams was charged, he said, we are not surprised

we expected this, you know, because of all the bribery.

Former New York governor Andrew Cuomo is

reportedly already interested in running for mayor.

Damn, he moves faster than COVID through a nursing home.

A Senate report on the first Trump assassination attempt says one of the

biggest issues were technical problems, including

delays in emails after the sniper was spotted.

Emails.

Who sees an assassin and is like, I better open outlook.

Hey, sorry for the mass email, but there's a sniper on the roof.

Please respond by end of day.

The senator report also says there were delays in texts after spotting the sniper,

like this one that read, LOL just saw this.

Sorry, which roof?

Hashtag mercury in retrograde.

Kamala Harris released an 81 page book outlining her economic policy,

because you know how women like to go on and on.

During a campaign stop at a Pennsylvania supermarket,

Donald Trump gave a woman buying groceries $100.

Because at this point, his knee jerk reaction to seeing a woman is to pay her off.

On Friday, vice president Harris traveled to the southern border, where she attacked

Trump for his role in preventing a congressional border deal.

But it didn't look good that during her speech, 30 migrants snuck in behind her.

And even worse, she handed every one of them a voter registration.

The Biden administration has proposed banning the use of Chinese made car

software, which is almost as dangerous as Chinese made drivers.

It's the 90s, man.

We're back.

It's not the 90s.

Donald Trump said this week that Americans will travel to Mars in his next term,

probably to get an abortion.

An attorney for did, he said that his client wants to testify at his trial,

saying, I don't know that I can keep him off the stand,

because you can't hold a guy back wearing all that baby oil.

You can't hold a guy back wearing all that baby oil.

It's the 90s, man.

Sean Combs, his defense attorney, also argued that his client is not like R.

Kelly.

First of all, never a great sign when the

first person you compare your client to is R.

Kelly.

But I have to agree, it's true.

Did he is nothing like R.

Kelly.

I mean, R.

Kelly songs are good.

Senator Raphael Warnock criticized Mark Robinson, calling

him white supremacy and blackface, which is also a good sign.

And also the name of Colin Special.

Hoda Kotb announced that she is leaving the Today Show.

Hoda says she will remember her time on the show fondly and not at all.

Hoda Kotb will be replaced by, oh no, Matt Lauerby.

New York City mayor Eric Adams was indicted this week on multiple federal

charges, including bribery and wire fraud.

The first time in the history of New York that a sitting mayor has been indicted.

Here to comment is mayor Eric Adams.

Yeah, Mark and Shay, look at us, man.

Two New York City legends, let's go.

I don't know about that, man.

But thank you, Mr. Bayes.

How you feeling?

Honestly, I'm feeling relieved.

Really?

No.

But I am feeling determined, all right?

I am an innocent man.

I mean, look at me, Michael.

All right, my fingers are steepled.

My smile is optimistic.

And my vocabulary is officious.

Got a little earring on, blah.

You know, my arms muscling out the shirt, my bracelets jangling.

Do I look guilty to you, Michael?

I mean, yeah, kind of.

Listen, Michael, I spent every single day with

the working people of this city, all right?

The dancers, the bottle girls, Fat Joe.

And they say the same thing.

Thank you for bringing swagger back to this city.

What was once a swagless dump is now a swag-tropolis.

With significantly more crime than before.

Yeah, wasn't there a whole platform to get crime off the streets?

Yes, and I did do that.

I got crime off the streets and onto the sidewalk in the subway.

I was also the first mayor to get out of the office and into the VIP.

You know where we hang out, Michael Che.

No, we don't hang out.

Stop.

Sometimes we do hang out, though.

No, we don't hang out, man.

Look, the internet would have you to believe that I have done nothing as the

mayor, but look, I did that little police robot bow.

I invented the trash can, bang.

Also, I declared war on the rats, and yes, the rats are presently winning,

but the game ain't over, baby.

Yeah, I did a whole lot of things.

We both did, huh, Michael Che?

No, we did not.

No, we did not.

However, you did favors for the Turkish government in exchange for expensive trips.

So you want your mayor and coach, huh?

You want me in the back with my legs all

cramped with my mouth all dry from the biscotti?

That's what you want?

Nah, nah.

New York City needs me in first class.

Shoes off, tie off, bracelets on.

Getting my shoulders rubbed by a nice Turkish lady named Bahar.

Thank you, baby.

But why?

Why Turkey?

Two words, Michael.

Gobble, gobble.

I love me some Turkey, man.

If you ever had a Turkish delight, it's a briefcase with $100,000 in it.

It's delicious.

I'll be eating that.

Come on, man, that sounds really illegal.

No, it's fine, man.

Do not worry too much, all right?

Just know that whatever happens, I will not snitch on you.

Dude, we are not friends, man.

We are friends and we are also New Yorkers.

Wait, don't you actually live in New Jersey?

I live in the skies, baby.

Hey, Turkish Airlines, because you are not safe on the subway.

Man, Eric Adams, everybody.

Hey, Free Didi.

Actress Meryl Streep spoke at the U.N.

and warned that a cat has more freedom in Afghanistan than a woman does,

which raises an important question.

What is the U.N.?

According to a new report, scientists now believe they have pinpointed where the

asteroid that killed the dinosaurs came from.

Space.

I thought you guys would be more... Whatever.

A new Netflix show about convicted murderers, Eric and Lyle Menendez,

is being criticized for implying the brothers had an incestuous relationship.

Said the brothers, we're just glad our parents aren't around to see this.

That's a sweet one.

Yeah, that's sweet.

This week, Mark Zuckerberg demonstrated Metta's new augmented reality smart glasses.

Explained Zuckerberg, Did you really clap for that?

A family reported that their pet cat, which went missing in Yellowstone National

Park two months ago, reappeared at their home 800 miles

away after being chased by a mob of hungry Haitians.

I'm glad you said it.

Astronomers say that an asteroid the size of a school bus will soon enter Earth's

orbit, temporarily becoming a new mini moon

and making our moon look like an old fat bitch.

I didn't know we could do that.

A couple in Washington state were arrested after they tried

to sell their baby for a thousand dollars and some beer.

And I'll give you one guess which one of them said, and some beer.

A number of TikTok users have been posting videos that

use AI to translate Adolf Hitler's speeches into English.

Let's take a look.

They're eating the dogs, the people that came in, they're eating the cats.

Well guys, this summer, a two-month-old pygmy hippo in Thailand named Mu Dang

became a viral sensation, causing huge crowds at her zoo enclosure, with some

unruly fans throwing bananas and shellfish at her to get her attention.

Here to comment is Mu Dang.

Stop clapping.

Hi, Colin.

Is it okay if I say something?

Is it okay if you say something?

Yeah, sure.

Go ahead, Mu Dang.

For the past 10 weeks, I've been going non -stop.

Running around, eating lettuce, trying to bite the hose from a water.

The water from a hose.

And the response has been overwhelming, but it has

come to the point where I need to set some boundaries.

Oh, you need to set boundaries?

Reminder, women owe you nothing.

When I'm in my enclosure, tripping over stuff, biting my trainer's knee,

I am at work.

That is the project.

Do not yell my name or expect a photo just because I'm

your parasocial bestie or because you appreciate my talent.

Your talent?

What is your talent?

Having a slippery body that bounces.

Colin, before me, the only hippos in media were either

Hungry Hungry or Jada Pinkett Smith in Madagascar.

But now, I'm your favorite hippo's favorite hippo.

And I'm Thirsty Thirsty.

HOSE!

I'm sorry, I needed that.

I'm sorry, Muding, it must be so stressful having the whole world watching you.

Honestly, Colin, sometimes I feel like I live my life in a cage, you know?

Like an animal trapped in a zoo for people to look at.

Well, that's kind of what you are.

No, Colin, I have a career, okay?

I've been approached by brands Maybelline, Away Luggage, but I will only stand behind

products that I believe in, like sweet potatoes and hose water.

HOSE!

I just really wanted some hose.

And trust me, I know I would not be in this position without my fans,

my community, my moo-dang-boo things, my mooja-hadid.

No.

But the harassment has been intolerable, okay?

Oh, oh my god!

They're throwing shellfish and bananas at me!

Colin!

No, Colin, hey!

Hey!

You leave moo-dang alone!

Wow.

Thank you so much, Colin.

Your voice got so loud.

You know, that was so, so brave of you.

You know, I have to say, Muding, you know, your

life sounds a lot like Chapel Rhone's lately.

Do you know Chapel Rhone?

I'm 10 weeks old, Colin.

Of course I know Chapel Rhone.

And by the way, leave her alone.

Let her take as much time as she needs for her mental health.

We both deserve patience and grace, so stop

harassing her and stop throwing shellfish at her.

Yeah, I don't think she has that problem.

No, it's a matter of time, Colin.

This is what society does.

It puts young women on pedestals, only to knock them down with shellfish.

And also, I know I'm only 10 weeks old, but

this is very important to me, so please listen.

I will not be making an endorsement in this year's election.

The presidential election, really?

Yes.

Oh, I'm getting stressed out again, Colin.

Can I bite your knee?

No!

Fine.

See how easy that was to respect people's boundaries?

Pose!

Stop!

Oh, no, Colin, your wig!

My wig!

Mu Jang, everyone!

For The Good Update, I'm Colin Jones.

I'm Michael J.

Goodnight!

Welcome back to CNN's The History of the Sitcom, the only show specifically meant

to be watched in your parents' hospital room.

And we all remember the seminal CBS sitcom, I Love Lucy,

which debuted in 1951 and quickly became a feminine-omenon.

I'm so sorry.

Phenomenon.

Anyway, what you might not know is that before Lucille Ball, CBS had actually cast

a different performer for the role of Lucy, Edna Birkin, a dramatic stage

actress who was looking to break into television.

Let's take a look.

Lucy, I'm home!

Where the hell have you been?

What?

I said, where the hell have you been?

Ay, Lucy, you know I was down at the club.

For 15 goddamn hours, do you think I'm an idiot?

Ay, Lucy.

Bad, right?

Many people wondered why CBS would cast a dramatic actress in

a sitcom, but you have to remember, television was still young.

The only TV star up to this point was a horse who smoked cigarettes.

Let's take a little look at another famous scene.

Okay, Lucy, which necktie would be the best for my big performance tonight?

The yellow one or the red one?

Are you gay?

Excuse me?

You have to tell me, because I'm tired of living this way.

Lucy, I think you're going loco.

Am I?

Am I?

We sleep in separate beds.

On our wedding night, you ran to the bathroom to throw up, and frankly,

your accent is a little... How you want me to sound, Lucy?

I'm Cuban.

All right, then let me put this in a way you'll understand.

Too soy gay.

Aye, Lucy.

Fun fact about Edna, after the show, she'd go on to name hundreds of people in

the industry she suspected of being communists.

And this was in 1992, so that wasn't a thing anymore.

In order to lighten up the show, producers added two wacky neighbors,

Fred and Ethel.

Let's take a look.

Okay, you two, where have you been?

You have some answers to provide.

Oh, I know where they were, spending my money.

Now, show me what's behind your back, Ethel.

The other hand.

All right, fine.

We went shopping.

And, Lucy, what's behind your back?

Oh, my God.

I still love these, that puppy.

Hmm, interesting.

I guess the Terminator stole that from her.

Anyway, CBS immediately recast Edna with Lucille Ball, which made a lot more sense,

considering her name was Lucy and she was married to the lead actor.

For everyone at CNN, this has been History of the Sitcom.

Wherever, Wherever, Hi, it's me, 365 party girl, Charli XCX.

This is my talk show where we talk, talk about whatever I'm on about.

With me, as always, is Australian dingo twink, Troye Sivan.

Troye, are you happy to be here?

March.

Amazing.

Let's get into it.

Today's topic is the election.

Election.

This summer, I went viral when I tweeted, Kamala is brat from a toilet in Taco

Frescoes, which left everyone from your mum to Jake Tapper wondering, what is brat?

So to explain, our first segment is brat or naps.

Hunter Biden's laptop, brat.

Mark Robinson's search history, nap.

Barron Trump going to NYU, brat.

NYU, nah.

Amy Adams in Night Bitch, brat.

Eric Adams in Ditement, nah.

And of course, my aunt's breast reduction surgery, brat.

So happy for you, Carol.

You can run again.

Yay.

Does that clear things up for you, Troye?

Yeah.

Are you telling the truth?

Mar.

You're so gay.

Now it's time to welcome our guests.

Please welcome queer nightlife icon, Suzanne Bartsch and hetero CNN icon,

Caitlin Collins.

Pleasure to meet you.

Thank you, darling, to be here as well.

Now, is this a political talk show?

Tis, babe.

Let's get into it.

President Biden addressed the United Nations this

week as conflict in the Middle East rages on.

Suzanne, your thoughts?

It reminds me of this one night in the 80s at Aria.

My best friends, Bob and Diana Ross, were

holding my hair back as I reached in the toilet.

And Bob said to me, you've got to clean up your act,

and that's what they have to do in the Middle East.

Totally.

And Caitlin, have you ever done ketamine?

No.

Did you like it?

Did I like it when I didn't do it?

Exactly.

Reproductive rights are under attack.

Caitlin, what are your thoughts on Snoop on The Voice?

Am I going to get a question on current political events?

I wish we could, darling, but it's time for you to go.

You're so Julia for coming.

Thank you.

Our next guest is the bad girl of C-SPAN.

Please welcome text-ass Congresswoman Jasmine Crockett.

Thank you, Charlie.

Would you say I'm the most brat Congresswoman?

I think it's a tie between you and Lauren Boebert

after she got her jubbly squeeze to Beetlejuice.

That's fair.

Now I have a song on my album called Mean Girls, and you went

viral this summer for what you called Marjorie Taylor Greene.

What was it?

Bleach blonde bad built butch body.

I love that.

I want to hear you pop off on everything.

So this is Jasmine Crockett's Mean Girl cam.

J.D.

Barnes.

Smokey-eyed sofa sexual.

Can't order donuts but has donut body.

Yes, Matt Gaetz.

Punchable pig, puffy pervert, face car always declines.

Work, gerrymandering.

Crazy shaped crooked bitch.

Why is that county shaped like a tapeworm with a hat on?

Amazing.

Thank you, Jasmine.

Troy, what do we do next?

It's time to go.

Oh, well, to play us off, I'm going to sing the song I wrote about canvassing.

Troy, bump that.

You say that you're undecided, but we can't connect through your ring cabinets.

Work it out on your stoop.

Go!

Stay Brat America, bye!

Once again, Jelly Roll.

Broken glass of a bottle makes a jagged rock bottle.

Right now I got two shaky hands, only one way to stop it.

And I haven't touched a drop in seven hours, three minutes.

Hardly sobered up, already want to quit quitting.

Sweating in an old church basement.

Wishing I was wasted.

I never thought I'd say this.

Hello, my name is Jason.

I've been losing myself, I've been losing my mind.

I've been standing in the rain just trying to stay dry.

I was so ashamed to be in this seat, till I met a man who was 20 years clean.

Said everybody here's felt the same defeat.

Nobody walks through these doors on a winter street.

Just hold on,

can't look at me cause he's guilty.

And I swear for the last couple months, that mother tried to kill me.

By the time I saw it coming, it was done with already.

It's hard to run from it when it runs in the family.

A problem with a thousand more it's causing.

Man, it's all exhausting.

This is why I walked in.

Thank y'all.

I've been losing myself, I've been losing my mind.

I've been standing in the rain just trying to stay dry.

I was so ashamed to be in this seat, till I met a man that was 20 years clean.

He said everybody here's felt the same defeat.

Nobody walks through these doors on a winter street.

So what do I do?

So what do I do?

I've been losing myself, I've been losing my mind.

And I've been standing in the rain just trying to stay dry.

I was so ashamed to be in this seat, till I met a man who was 20 years clean.

He said everybody here's felt the same defeat.

Nobody walks through these doors on a winter street.

You're watching Brahma.

Later, it's million-dollar one-bedroom apartment.

But now we return to the real housewives of Santa Fe.

Things have been tense between Jill and Louise since the girls' trip to Lake Mead.

So we're all getting dinner at Rancho Mexicana to clear the air.

Ugh.

Ugh, I'm so glad we're doing this.

Ugh, same.

I needed to get away from running my new makeup line, Beauty by Jill.

It's been so much work, you guys.

Oh, give me a break.

Excuse me?

If you have something to say, Louise, just say it.

Well, Jill, you bring up Beauty by Jill every five seconds.

I'm sick of tearing about Beauty by Jill.

Well, you're not a businesswoman, Louise, so you don't understand.

Oh, so now I'm not a businesswoman?

My husband and I own businesses all over this town, sweetie.

Funny you should mention your husband, Louise, because

your husband made a pass at me at the Kentucky Derby.

That's because he thought you were a horse, bitch.

Okay, who's ready for fajitas?

How dare you say that to me?

How dare you say that to me?

Yeah, Louise, that was way out of line.

Oh, stay out of this, Bree.

You're not even a businesswoman.

Oh, so now I'm not a businesswoman?

So now Candles by Bree is not a business?

Okay, fajitas coming in.

Watch your hunt.

You're a good steak, Louise, and your house smells like ass.

Ladies, please, let's not ruin dinner.

Oh, oh, shut up, Yvonne, because you're not even a businesswoman.

Oh, oh, so now I'm not a businesswoman?

Sorry, I just need a little room for these.

It's actually getting hot.

Baby, baby, if you need to put them down, put them down.

Tell me how Hacked by Yvonne is not a business.

Okay, well, Yvonne, this isn't always about you.

I am a businesswoman and a mother.

And when you disrespect my business, Hacked by Yvonne, you disrespect my

children and my children's businesses as well.

And that I will not allow.

Sir, sir, sir, what is this?

I didn't order this.

I ordered fajitas.

Uh, these are fajitas.

Well, then fajitas are not what I thought they were.

Please take them back.

Karen's husband is 105.

How dare you?

How dare you bring up my 105-year-old husband?

How dare you?

Sweetie, please, the businesswomen are talking.

Oh, so now I'm not a businesswoman?

So now for-profit prisons are not a business?

I can't stand this, you women are all insane.

I don't need this.

You're an alcoholic, you're a home wrecker,

and I don't even know what you're doing here.

I'm just trying to put down the fajitas.

Well, they've been very loud and they made the whole...

Please sit down, don't go.

No, Jan, thank you for the lunch.

But no, sir, could you please box these up for my husband?

You want to take all the fajitas?

Yeah, he'll eat them.

Oh, go ahead, run away to your short, shiny husband and his weird shirts.

How dare you?

You ready to go, babe?

You!

All of yous are dead to me!

Nice to see you, girls.

Okay, I got the fajitas right here.

Did she leave?

Yes, but, waiter, where's our food?

Is this how you conduct a business?

We're starving!

So hungry.

Oh, my God.

Thanks to Jelly Roll and Maya Rudolph!