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Goodbye.

Do you ever look at people...

and wonder about their lives?

Wonder whether they're alone.

Or whether they're having some great love affair.

I do...

always have.

But there was one love affair that I wasn't content

just to watch from afar.

Because I was so awed and inspired and...

full of envy

that I wanted to steal that love and make it my own.

That's why to tell my story, I have to tell Rick's story.

because we were both battling for Melissa

right from the start.

Ten years ago.

♪ Baby babe Let's get together ♪

I was 17 and it was summer.

Suntan oil, bare feet...

parties when parents went down the coast.

♪ That we like to do

I thought that nothing would ever happen to me.

That life would never surprise or dazzle me.

That I'd never fall in love.

♪ Do a little dance

But then, like they say in books,

a bolt of lightning, a flash and I felt love...

even before I saw her.

I turned to my left and there she was.

♪ Where we can Oh get together ♪

♪ And ease up our mind Oh do a little dance ♪

♪ Make a little love

♪ Get down tonight Woo get down tonight ♪

♪ Do a little dance

My twin brother, Ricky.

Born two minutes before me and always two steps ahead.

- Rick. - Melissa.

So, she fell in love with Rick.

And I became her friend.

Would you still love me if I fell under a bus

and lost a leg?

The three of us would go out

and I would search for some sign that I had a chance.

I waited for a smile or a stare

or for her hand to lightly brush against mine.

But always, at the end of the night,

the two of them would disappear to some secret place.

We were all on borrowed time.

In a month she was going back to England to study philosophy.

Listen, I know you're smarter than me

and you're going to have a great argument

against what I'm about to say, but I'm the bloke

and it's my bloke's duty to bring it up.

I think we should do it.

I made a pact with the man I'm going to marry

that I'll only lose my virginity to him.

You've made a pact with a man you haven't met yet?

Okay...

but I still have to try.

I understand.

I like the pact!

I do!

I think it's a good idea.

Match point.

Oh!

Bad luck. 6-1, 6-1.

Good game.

Hey!

There's your chance to offload your virginity, mate.

She fancies you.

Mm. Next time, go for the passing shot.

You lob too much. You're too defensive.

Come on, it's romantic.

Last night before you leave, we'll make love.

I'll sneak you out in the morning.

I'm sticking to the pact.

Don't forget me.

I won't.

I'll walk you home.

We'd just have to say goodbye again.

Melissa's leaving tomorrow.

So I bought her this book.

John Paul Sartre's Being and Nothingness.

Then I thought, too brainy.

So I bought her Cherry Ripes

then I thought chocolates, predictable.

Lift.

So, I bought her this set of antique...

silver candle holders.

Then I thought...

too grown up.

- ♪ And I'm reminded of the day ♪ - What do you think?

♪ When love gave me Her rich rewards ♪

Should I just...

bundle it all up with a ribbon and send it to her?

♪ I stumbled on Such sweet repose ♪

♪ In a minor key

Oh God!

♪ When two weary hearts. Enter wide open spaces ♪

♪ It's enough for...

♪ La, la, la, la, La, la, la, la ♪

♪ La, la, la, la, La, la, la, la, la, la ♪

♪ I only want to say

♪ That if there is a way

♪ I want my baby back with me

♪ 'Cause he's my true love My only one don't you see? ♪

♪ And on that fateful day

♪ Perhaps in the new sun Of May ♪

You sleep with your mouth open,

when did that start?

I'm sleeping next to a dead person.

I've felt like that for years.

Very funny.

Early morning comedy. Very good.

They're at it already.

At least yours are still married.

Mom reckons it's been doomed from the start

because they got married at that hotel

with the three-foot waterfall.

- Three-foot waterfall? - Yeah, Niagara Smalls.

Shit!

Come on, boys!

Morning.

Morning.

- Where's the boys? - Where's the milk?

Come on, come on.

- Bye. - Come on, come on.

Bye.

I'll tell you what I'm afraid of.

I'm afraid that now, I'll never be able to forget you

and in 20 years I'll be married and I'll see you at a party

and I'll drag you into the bathroom

and make love to you.

And then my whole life will collapse

'cause I'll have to decide whether to stay with my husband

- or run away with you. - I'll write to you.

- Every day? - Always.

You did it, didn't you?

What happened to her pact?

Why'd she change her mind?

Well, she wouldn't tell me.

Well, that's just great!

What kind of a world is it

when girls don't keep their pacts?

I thought she was going to keep it

for the bloke she married!

She changed her mind. Sue me.

Now, I can marry her.

My first boyfriend gave me that!

That is a very expensive antique!

It's a piece of poo, is what it is.

Then again maybe marriage isn't such a great idea.

♪ It's getting, it's getting It's getting kinda hectic ♪

So she left.

Ten years passed...

and neither of us saw her.

I tried to forget about her by working.

♪ Dull void without substance Or content ♪

♪ You need to slow your speed Stop the nonsense ♪

♪ These are the words Of the risin' sun ♪

♪ Surprisin' some who thought I was just another hum-drum? ♪

♪ I'll take a page Write a phrase ♪

♪ Then rephrase it

♪ Treat it like a national flag And upraise it ♪

I filled my life with schedules

appointments, meetings.

I took no holidays, no time off.

I knew if I relaxed a memory of her would creep in.

And a memory wasn't enough for me.

♪ I got the power

I wondered if I'd ever find her...

or find love.

After all, what is a person's chance

of finding love in the world?

I investigate it all the time.

Whenever I'm at a train station or an airport,

I compare the number of travelers who are met

by lovers to the number of travelers

who aren't met by anyone.

And the result gives me the exact chance

of finding love in the world today.

Fifty-four percent.

A little higher on the weekends.

- Stevey! - Here we go. Smother love.

That's what it's called. Smother love.

Stevey, good of you to meet us.

- Oh, you look thin! - Hi, Mom.

Good to see you, son.

Eh, one last hug.

That should see me through to the end.

- Dad, you're not dying. - Depends how you define it.

Thank you, Lovey. Thank you.

Would you like some time alone?

I gave her your number. She's a goer.

How was your trip?

Oh, I hate trains. People smell.

Come on, Mom, I reckon Dad's got the right idea.

Old train. Your own compartment,

just like when you came here years ago.

Anyway, how's Ricky?

He doesn't sound very excited about the big do.

Well, it's hard for him to be excited about anything.

Rachael only left him a year ago.

He's very sensitive.

Hey, it says here...

that a strange confluence of astrological forces

are at work this week.

A once in a lifetime event.

All star signs will suffer from romantic confusion.

Oh, won't they let me eat in peace?

You only hate them because they're in love.

Don't analyze me. I'm too shallow.

Coming!

Come on.

What do you think Rachael's doing right now?

Hmm, probably dressing some man

who's paying complete and total attention to her.

- What? - You've been raving on

about her all day, do you think I could have the night off?

Of course, gone, gone. Out of my head.

Coming! Look, I'm completely over her!

I even-- I even understand

why she left me at the altar and--

and why she ripped off my life savings.

I like that. I-- I don't mind a bit of phoniness in a person.

But...

I just hate that she...

- She brought me here to do it. - ...brought me here to do it.

Exactly! One minute we're upstairs

in Arabian Nights, four hours from getting married

and the next thing I know, she's gone.

Just like that.

Never see her again.

Really...

I'm not a good bet.

Promise you'll consider leaving me today.

- You look very handsome. - Oh.

I love being nice to you. It makes you so uncomfortable.

You can leave here if you're so miserable.

Why don't you just race outside and see if your head explodes?

I can't be cynical and brooding and depressed

if you keep giving me other options.

Besides...

Ronnie needs me here.

Ronnie doesn't need you here.

He only gave you a job because you were heartbroken

and couldn't face society.

I can face society.

I just don't want to talk to anyone, that's all.

All star signs will suffer from romantic confusion.

Interesting.

This place caused my romantic confusion.

It cursed my parents and it cursed me.

Rose!

Because love-- love is a piece of poo

and if love's anywhere in the world...

it's not here.

Hotel de Love. I've never understood that.

I mean, shouldn't it be all French?

Hotel D'Amoir? Or in English, Hotel of Love.

Not half and half.

Why doesn't Ricky change it?

The boys have always been confused about love.

It's inherited.

♪ I realize that The best part of love ♪

♪ Is the thinnest slice But it don't count for much ♪

♪ But I'm not letting go ♪

♪ I believe there's too much To believe in ♪

♪ So lift your eyes If you feel you can ♪

♪ Reach for a star And I'll show you a plan ♪

♪ I've figured it out ♪

♪ What I needed was someone To show me ♪

♪ You know you can't fool me ♪

♪ I've been loving you Too long ♪

Can I help you?

Our key, please.

Is it, uh, African Safari? Love in the Outback?

Grand Final Passion Suite? Subterranean Seduction?

Here you go. Garden of Eden.

This was the perfect place to get married.

The Smalls are just breathtaking!

The Smalls? Breathtaking?

That toilet flush.

Ricky! Oh, Ricky,

- you look so good. - Hello, Rick.

Hey!

- Here you go, I'm Sheldon. - It's on the house.

Look at that, were on the big board!

Oh, oh, my God!

We should never have come. You can't bring back the past.

- No worries, I'll cancel it. - No way!

Renewing your marriage vows on your anniversary.

- It will be very romantic. - Well, I don't want romance.

I want sleep!

- Rick? - Yeah?

What about this party?

Come on. Let's kick on.

How did you pick this place?

Oh, I heard about it years ago.

I always wanted to come here for a holiday.

♪ I didn't see it The way you wanted me to ♪

♪ How how howzat

♪ You messed about I caught you out howzat ♪

I love this song!

♪ Now that I found Where you're at ♪

- I have a room booked. Morrison. - Subterranean Seduction?

Welcome to Hotel de Love.

If you could just fill out this form?

I'll get your key.

I just got married!

Come to my party!

My life is over.

Oh, joking! Joking! It's bliss!

It's heaven! This way! This way!

- You go ahead. I'll meet you. - Good man! Good man!

Well trained!

♪ Sooner or later Love is going to get ya ♪

♪ Sooner or later Girl you got to give in ♪

♪ Sooner or later Love is gonna let 'cha ♪

♪ Sooner or later Love is gonna win ♪

♪ It's just a matter of time Before you make up your mind ♪

♪ And give all that love That you've been hiding ♪

♪ It's just a question of when I've told you time and again ♪

♪ I'll get all the love You've been denying ♪

♪ Sooner or later Love is gonna get ya ♪

♪ Sooner or later Girl you got to give in ♪

♪ Sooner or later Love is gonna let 'cha ♪

♪ Sooner or later Love is gonna win ♪

You said you'd never be able to forget me.

You said you'd see me at a party

and drag me into a bathroom and make love to me

and then your whole life would collapse

because you'd-- you'd have to decide

whether to stay with your husband

or run away with me.

- It's me, Rick! Rick Dunne. - I know it's you.

♪ Sooner or later Love is gonna get ya ♪

Okay. I understand how you feel.

I'm sorry I-- I didn't write.

What are you talking about?

Well...

you see, you're upset because, I said I'd write and I didn't

and that's, uh, made you hostile.

I slapped you because it's bad form

to bring up bathrooms and sex

with someone you haven't seen in ten years.

But--

Look, come on now. I got a million questions for you.

Where do you live? Are you married?

What do you do?

You can answer the marriage thing first,

if you want.

Not married, Melbourne. Philosophy Lecturer at Monash.

Phil-- Philosophy, great! Great! What you always wanted,

yeah, great. What sort of philosophy?

No, really, I'm interested.

I teach an introductory course on logic and cognition.

The systematic investigation--

Don't you remember everything that happened?

The party? The ladder.

Your bracelets jingling when you climbed into my room?

I'm sure it will astound you, Rick.

But I have met other men in the last ten years.

You're magnificent!

Perfection!

A work of art! Goddess!

Perfection! I said that...

- Radiant. - Radiant.

This is showing me that I'm far more nostalgic

than you are. I remember everything about us.

First time I saw you...

you were dancing to Marcia Hines.

Uh, it was K.C. and the Sunshine Band.

Yeah, correct. Marcia Hines was the second song.

- But you danced better to her. - ♪ In all the wrong places

Good to see you, Rick.

You were wearing a black vest with silver buttons.

Black jeans...

...and a belt from Sportsgirl.

I've wanted to tell you for ten years!

I love you!

I've always loved you!

- Stephen! - Melissa!

You're here too.

Melissa, I have to tell you something--

Oh, it's so good to see you.

What are you doing here?

Melissa, I have to tell you something

I have been thinking about for ten years!

Oh God, don't tell me you want to have sex with me

in a cubicle like Rick.

No! No!

Of course you wouldn't.

You're the only male friend I've had

who didn't try to sleep with me.

And I love you for it! So, how are you?

Great! Great!

- Listen. - ♪ I feel like dancing

♪ Dancing dance the night away ♪

I'm just going to get completely pissed!

Do you want something?

♪ When marimba rhythms Start to play ♪

♪ Dance with me make me sway ♪

♪ Like a lazy ocean Hugs the shore ♪

Norman loves to dance.

I just stand at the side and tend to the wounded.

How did you meet him?

Well, I've been seeing these certain kind of guys

for many years.

And it's very deceiving because they smell quite nice

and they have respectable jobs

and they talk about their moms

and two minutes later, they grope you to death.

Norman was a breath of fresh air.

Three months of coffees and he never laid a hand on me.

Which was lovely...

until it kept going!

Fourth month, fifth month,

then I realized that what we really needed

was a bit of groping.

So, I seduced him.

I tried to be a groper, for a short period.

I didn't have any talent for it.

I-- I couldn't get them drunk. I got drunk.

I kept on saying meaningful things

and my hands wouldn't really wander enough.

It was terrible.

- Who was your last girlfriend? - Linda, three years ago.

She broke up with me because I worked too much.

Well, she never actually said she wanted to break up.

She just stopped returning my phone calls.

Technically I suppose, were still going out.

Since her, I've been completely celibate!

I love this place!

It's funny seeing those two brothers

that you knew. How did you meet them again?

Oh, years ago, at a party in Armadale.

Couldn't meet two more different brothers if you tried.

Absolutely nothing in common.

Oh!

Bloody hell.

Still alive.

- Step, step, okay, stop! - What's this all about?

Ta-da!

The world famous Niagara Smalls.

"Dear Edith...

lover, secretly behind your smile.

The words of love nakedly discover your breasts.

Discover your breasts and your neck.

And your hips and your eyelids discover every caress.

So the kisses in your eyes reveal entire the whole of you.

Soon we shall meet.

Until then I remain your loving...

secret admirer."

Lord Byron.

Is that breakfast?

One last meal to get me through.

I feel it. Today's my last day among the living.

The final banana.

Ooh!

- Will you marry me? - Oh, darling!

Are you sure?

Forever?

I'd love to marry you!

I bought this for you.

It's very expensive.

What if you like some other bloke more than Matt,

but the other bloke's involved with someone else?

Would you drop Matt, even though you had no chance

of being with the other fellow or would you just keep going on?

Look, you should break up with Alison.

I'm not talking about Alison.

Well, if you were, which you're not, but,

if you were, you should break up with her.

You're wasting your best boy years.

It'll be a shock. Shouldn't I be distant

for a year or two to lead in?

Look, if you don't like her,

for her sake, the sooner the better.

You have a very happy marriage ahead of you.

You're sure?

My first two husbands both dropped dead

in front of me.

The lines don't lie.

- Oh, thank you. - Thank you.

You're welcome.

Do you ever give people bad news?

What for? I like to spread the happiness.

And you should show more respect for the occult.

Here.

Listen, I, uh--

I got to talk to you about something.

- I think it's-- - Uh-oh.

Previously undetected union line.

- What? - Someone's gonna break up

with you.

See? This is such rubbish. I mean...

Oh.

- You. - See?

Told you there was something to it.

Well, what happened to spreading the happiness?

- Everything's great with us. - Rick,

I always knew it couldn't go anywhere.

That's why I liked you. You were safe.

Do you think...

it's a waste of time to see someone for six months

and then not end up with them?

I don't think so, but I don't really know.

I'm just stumbling around like...

everyone else.

Is there anything I can do?

Huh.

Don't worry. It happens to everyone at some time.

Except Tom...

oh, and, uh, Jason and um, Alan, especially not Alan.

Darling, I'm trying to lighten the situation.

This is terribly embarrassing!

Tonight! Of all nights!

Hi.

I love you.

Yes!

- Jack, what on earth? - May I have the pleasure?

What in God's name are you doing?

Don't you remember?

We danced here in our room before we got married.

Oh, you were boozing last night.

- This is the bottle talking. - It's me talking.

Don't you remember? We got married. We had kids!

Oh, Jack, don't do this. We're not kids any more.

Jack, I don't want to! Don't you ever listen to me?

There was so much I wanted to do.

But all these years, you've never listened to me!

You're right. It was a stupid idea.

"Dear Edith, a poem of my own for you.

'Let there be no talk of swords and tents.

Be gone all quaint Freudian metaphors.

My quest, my Grail, your delicate thighs.

My tongue searches for your damp wisdom.'"

"'Your naked body haunts my dreams.'

Meet me tomorrow, my love. Hotel foyer. 9:00 a.m.

Forever yours, your secret admirer...

Lord Byron."

If it were my parents. I'd be really excited.

Watching my parents renew their wedding vows

would be like watching the ambulance guys

push the victims back into the car wreck.

"Sorry, you have to be much more disfigured.

Back you go! Back you go!"

What was it like with you and Bruce,

the first night after you got engaged?

Oh, we didn't sleep a wink.

I'm surprised you've got so much energy today.

There wasn't a problem, was there?

It was perfectly understandable. We just got engaged.

There was a lot of pressure.

- Break it off! - Don't be silly.

The penis is communicating with you.

The penis is not ready for a commitment.

Has this ever happened before?

He proposes and the penis goes on holidays.

It's a sign! Listen to the penis!

Can you please stop saying penis?

Sex is not everything in a marriage.

That is exactly what the people who don't have sex say.

What's she doing?

Didn't you know?

They're getting married in the hotel chapel, Sunday.

Married?

Sunday.

I love you!

For years I've been analyzing love.

Percentages, statistics.

Then you showed up like a whirlwind.

A storm, rain, thunder! Earth!

Years ago, when you climbed out of Rick's bedroom

in your nightie, my heart stopped right there!

Dead! I died!

Dead for years! Until now that I've seen you!

I'm Lazarus! Reborn!

Risen again!

Back to reclaim you as my beloved!

I'll see what she thinks.

I think these...

might look good.

Oh.

What are you doing saying all that stuff to her?

I love her!

I've been in love with her for ten years!

You've been in love with her for ten years?

You've never even mentioned her!

You're fucked in the head!

Of course you wouldn't notice it because,

it's someone else's feelings and I never interest you.

What about Norman? Her poor fiancé's feelings?

- I don't notice you backing off! - No, you don't.

Well, go on!

Give her the whole brooding wounded Hamlet routine.

She's not going to buy it. She's too smart!

No. She's going to buy the poor sad

Jay Gatsby millionaire pining away in his mansion

over some woman he's never even kissed!

Oh!

Sorry! Sorry! Sorry!

Here, quick. Come with me!

- Ah! I think I'm unconscious! - Sorry.

- Are you all right? - I think so.

You'll never guess what I just did.

Knocked a woman over on the street?

Told a woman, that woman, I love her!

Love you!

Just like that!

It was more poetic than that, but you get the point!

What do you think of that?

Isn't she getting married on Sunday?

Don't be a downer! I'm going to sweep her off her feet!

Aren't you Rick's brother?

You're Alison, aren't you?

You should be beaming, liberated from Rick.

- Oh. - If only he'd wear a t-shirt

saying "I'm not up for a relationship"

everyone's life would be so much easier.

Hmm. I think I might need one of those T-shirts myself.

But, that's all behind me now

because I'm off to the glorious city

of Barcelona!

I actually had the tickets once before,

but, then met Rick and cancelled.

Now there's nothing to keep me here,

so I'm leaving on Monday!

Barcelona!

Show me your palm.

Weird love lines around here lately.

Ah. There's confusion here.

My palm's not up to date...

I used to go for the lob! Now I go for the passing shot!

- And she's the one for you? - Mm-hmm.

Let's follow her.

I'll give you my seal of approval!

- Oh! - Come on.

Come on!

Come on!

I live by faith.

All palm readers do.

Unfortunately, this means we stay in relationships

much longer than we should.

I don't get bananas.

They're green for about a week...

then they're ripe for about twelve minutes,

then they go brown and mushy forever.

Sometimes I can't go out

because my bananas are about to turn ripe

and I don't wanna miss it.

- I know what you mean. - Do you?

Oh, sure is.

I feel a little weird.

Like I'm stalking her.

Okay, well...

why don't you pretend like you're here with me?

Like you're interested in me?

This way!

Me!

Me! Me!

There! That wasn't so hard!

No, it wasn't.

She's gone! We've missed her!

Tragedy.

Another coffee? What do you say?

Okay.

That's a good idea.

♪ I'm not in love ♪

♪ So don't forget it ♪

♪ It's just a silly phase I'm going through ♪

♪ And just because ♪

♪ I call you up ♪

♪ Don't get me wrong Don't think you've got it made ♪

♪ I'm not in love no, no ♪

♪ It's because ♪

♪ I like to see you ♪

♪ But then again ♪

♪ That doesn't mean You mean that much to me ♪

♪ So if I call you ♪

♪ Don't make a fuss ♪

♪ Don't tell your friends About the two of us ♪

♪ I'm not in love no, no ♪

♪ It's because ♪

♪ But this is pure and simple ♪

♪ And you must realize ♪

♪ That it's coming From my heart ♪

♪ And not my head ♪

♪ I love you ♪

♪ I honestly love you ♪

Well, I'm here.

- ♪ You don't have to answer ♪ - Your quest. Your grail.

♪ I can see it in your eyes ♪

Oh, I can remember how you looked at me

when I was here 32 years ago. Drinking me in.

♪ Maybe this was better Left unsaid ♪

I know who you are!

- ♪ But this is pure and simple ♪ - You're Lord Byron!

♪ And you must understand ♪

"My tongue searches for your damp wisdom."

Ring a bell?

Oh, my.

Oh!

Mom, what's wrong with your face?

Oh. No, nothing, I've just got on a bit make-up,

that's all. Um, look, Ricky. I have to talk to you.

I've been getting these poems, very erotic poems!

- Who from? - I don't know.

It's an absolute mystery. He's very romantic...

and earthy!

I, uh, I'm supposed to meet him here.

Calls himself Lord Byron.

Now, he was here when we were first married.

Maybe he's Lord Byron. Maybe he's fancied me

- all these years! - Have you told Dad about this?

Oh no, he doesn't care. He hasn't kissed me in 14 years.

Mom, it's normal as you get older,

to lose interest in sex.

Oh, we still have sex. Just don't kiss.

I wonder if he is Lord Byron.

I haven't felt so excited for years!

Nice bum!

Hi.

Ah, Ludwig Von...

Schiff!

I'm familiar with his work.

- Oh, really? - No, uh, last book I read

was Green Eggs and Ham.

But I know you won't take me seriously

if I tell you the truth.

You see, men and women can never be completely honest

with each other or else the social fabric

will break down.

Norman and I are completely honest

with each other.

Did you tell him you lost your virginity with me?

Probably not.

You see, you didn't tell him because of the image.

- What image? - The image.

- There's no image. - There is an image.

Me and you and he couldn't cope.

Norman has a B.A., an M.A., and a PhD.

I think he's mature enough to cope with any image.

That's because you're a woman and you don't understand

how sickly jealous men get about sex.

Even intellectuals like Norman.

He knows that a woman never forgets her first time.

I can tell Norman anything. Even about us.

No. No, no, don't do that.

Don't be honest. Think of your future.

Think of your marriage!

Can you turn around? I want to tell you something.

Can I be completely honest with you?

Of course.

Rick. Manager here, Rick, was my first real boyfriend.

I lost my virginity to him in his bedroom.

And then I climbed out of the window

and ran home in my nightie.

This wasn't recently, was it?

No, years ago!

I've wanted to tell you but I didn't want to upset you.

It's okay. I'm not upset.

We've both had pasts.

You've had a boyfriend or two, and I've had a wife...

or three.

It's a little bit disturbing that he's around at the moment,

but... I can deal with it.

- Oh, you're the best! - Don't worry about it.

The first time is never good for the woman anyway.

Six orgasms, her first time. Two groups of three.

What do you say to that? Hmm? Unheard of, Cal Guinness!

Oh, I had to ask!

Now, I can't get it out of my head!

I'm not getting married here!

Not with him thinking, "I was there first, mate."

It's back of the bus for you!

- What do you think? - Well, it's beautiful.

But I thought we'd decided on the hotel.

Yeah well, they made a mistake.

They're having renovations done, Sunday.

- Can't use it. - Have you met the priest?

Yeah.

Come inside. You'll love him.

He's probably in the vestry.

I'll take a look.

Hello?

Shh!

- Listen, cancel the wedding! - Stephen! Stephen!

Good decision! You won't regret it!

What are you doing?

You can't keep up these drive-by I love you's.

- I love you. - Stephen, you don't love me.

This is about you and Rick!

You've created a fantasy out of me.

But it's complete illusion.

Isn't that love? A fantasy?

You imagine the person is everything you dreamed of.

And they're not. It's always a fantasy.

But that doesn't stop you loving them!

You hardly know me.

What about love at first sight?

I don't believe in it.

Norman and I were friends first. For months, we just talked.

Discussed books, ideas, politics--

That is not love. That is a book group!

His name should be drumming away in your head.

Stephen, Stephen.

Stephen.

- Stephen, I'm-- - Stephen! Stephen!

- Stephen! - Stephen, I'm going

to marry Norman. I'm the wrong person for you.

I felt love and I turned and bam! There you were.

- You're the one! - I'm not the one.

- But you'll find the one! - Oh!

It's like you're out of some 19th-century novel,

wandering the moors in search of lost love.

- We've got to go. - One kiss goodbye.

I don't want to give you hope.

I won't take it that way. Just one kiss...

after a these years.

You are the one.

You felt that! You felt that!

There is no hope!

Do you have to say three Hail Marys every time

you leave here or is that only after you've confessed?

- Stephen, what's wrong? - Hmm.

She doesn't love me.

She said I belong in a novel.

What kind of novel?

- 19th-century novel! - Ooh, that's bad.

They're long and boring and they have...

tragic endings.

I told her how I felt.

It's always a mistake!

Oh.

It's her loss.

It's...

been three years.

Open your lips a little bit more.

I know how to kiss.

Touch my hair a bit.

I know what to do.

Mm.

Do you what...

♪ Baby I want you ♪

♪ Baby I need you ♪

♪ You're the only one... ♪

How did you like the church?

Oh, it's lovely. Pity about the chapel, though.

- What do you mean? - The chapel?

You're renovating it on Sunday, we were going to use it.

There's no renovations.

Your fiancé told me you wanted a bigger church.

Would you like me to put you back in?

No, no, thank you.

♪ Like a guiding light ♪

He lied! Why would he lie?

Maybe complete honesty is impossible. What you think?

But maybe I jinxed by not telling him

about Rick at the start. What do you think?

No, no, it's not my fault.

Men and women can be honest with each other.

I have to believe that.

Will you climb down, please?

You were honest, weren't you?

- Told you it would be trouble. - Would you please get down here?

- No way, you're scaring me! - Get down here!

We're going to prove a man and woman

can be completely honest with each other.

For two minutes, I ask you anything

I've ever wanted to know about men or about you,

no restrictions and tell me the absolute truth.

And I'll do the same.

This is a bad game. Cluedo is a good game.

But this is a bad game because in two minutes

and five seconds I'm going to say "This is trouble,"

and you're going to say "I agree."

- Okay, you first. - Why do men lie?

Okay, I'll go first.

Where do women like to be kissed the most?

Our necks. Why do men lie?

Too tough. Ask me something frivolous to ease me into it.

Oh, why do men touch their dicks all the time?

Good, good. Because they're there.

What is wrong with you?

Well, I thought we only had two minutes.

Do you love Norman?

Your idea.

One minute and twenty seconds remaining.

- Complete honesty. - Yes.

Why don't you get along with Stephen?

Everything touches Stephen.

Kids on a swing, ants carrying food

to an anthill.

Once, Stephen almost cried in a car when people pulled over

to let an ambulance go by.

Nothing touches me.

And whenever it almost does...

I hear my parents in my head, fighting.

I can't get them out.

I can't think of a question.

When we were 17, that last night...

why did you come back?

Why do men lie?

Because we're basically hopeless

and we try to live above ourselves

but a lot of the times we fail.

And women are better people than we are.

And we want to be near them to be better ourselves.

So, we...

lie about our failings...

so we can be near you.

When I left that night I wasn't coming back.

I went home to bed.

My mom woke me at 3:00 in the morning.

Fire had broken out in the building.

We rushed out and stood half-dressed in the parking lot

with all the others.

I looked up at the fire and I thought...

"What if I hadn't got out? What if I'd died...

a virgin?

Never knowing what it was like to make love to you?"

So, I left them all there...

and walked to you.

And in the middle of it, I knew it was okay...

because I loved you.

And I knew you loved me.

And I was right.

Back then.

When we were kids.

Have you ever read Tim Winton? He's a fantastic writer.

- You hide behind books. - I do not.

No more books.

No words.

No ink.

Only skin.

Only skin.

Just flesh.

Flesh.

- This is trouble. - I agree.

♪ I kept him too tightly... ♪

Wait! Stop!

♪ And then one sad day He went away and he died ♪

Okay, start again.

We have to forget this ever happened!

No, no, no, no. Forget we heard the phone.

God!

Yes?

- Put it down! - What is going on?

Put it down! We're in a hotel!

- Your parents! - No, respect!

They're trying to kill each other!

You're an embarrassment!

- Hold your fire! Hold your fire! - Why did you bring me here?

Why did you insist I come for this ridiculous ceremony!

What a waste of a life it's been!

- Mom, put it down! - She's off her noggin!

Sixty-two years old,

as sleazy as ever. What an achievement.

I'd just like you both to know that again you have denied me

- a single moment's happiness. - On, knock it off.

- You, you were groping her. - I was helping her!

There was something of mine under the bed!

It's true. He wasn't even near me!

You don't have to protect him!

I've been putting up with this for years.

You've become a dirty old man! Don't you know that?

I'm sorry. I didn't mean to offend you.

I-- I didn't always look like this.

I used to be young and strong.

As a middle distance runner...

and a week later I woke up and I was 62

and looked like this.

Just like that, my life swam by.

I don't want to be old.

I want to be young.

We can't go on like this.

We can't spend the rest of our lives

blaming each other for being miserable.

It has to end.

Um, we'll leave tomorrow before the ceremony.

I'll go to my sister's.

Have you seen Stephen?

I should tell him what's happened.

I thought I saw him talking to Alison earlier.

Go to hell!

Alison?

- I'm very confused. - Why?

I was sure it was Melissa.

This wasn't the plan.

To hell with the plan.

Okay.

I'm meant to be the insensitive one.

Rick? Rick!

You have no right to be upset with me!

I thought you loved Melissa.

"I'm Lazarus, back to-- back to--

With storm and fire and..."

You told me to stay away from her.

That doesn't mean you have to move in on Alison.

Is there any girl on the planet you don't have dibs on?

You don't always have to go

for the girls that I've been with!

There must be some more creative way for you

to compete with me!

It's not true.

I'm not with you to compete with Rick.

I'm never, ever going to again even consider

the possibility of cancelling my trip

to the glorious city of Barcelona

due to the intervention of a man.

Let me write that down for you.

And any man I may meet in the future!

Go to hell...

ratbags.

Would you please pass that around?

- You're not giving us a chance! - Nope, I'm not!

I gave a chance to James,

and Andy, and the guy in the bathroom service.

And-- What was that guy's name with the goatee?

Anyway, they all blew it.

Now, I'm afraid, all men must suffer because of them.

But then they win because they stop you

finding love.

If you insist on being romantic...

I'll lose my advantage.

And I am going to the glorious, beautiful, fantastic,

sunny city of Barcelona in two days.

Alison, you're wearing three t-shirts

and a skirt over your jeans.

I am aware of that!

Adios, amigo!

♪ Hey Paul ♪

♪ I've been waiting for you ♪

♪ Hey, hey Paul... ♪

I can't get him out of my system!

It's because we just did it that one time

and then I left! There was no closure!

I have to do it with Rick one last time!

Just to eject him out of my system once and for all.

Then I'll be able to go forth into the world, marry Norman,

and not worry that I haven't gotten over Rick.

Coming!

- Melissa! - Do not speak.

- Melissa, what, uh-- - Do not address me in any form.

I have no emotional interest in you whatsoever.

Any warm feelings I might have had for you in the past

are completely gone!

I could never feel anything substantial or real

for someone as shallow and wretched as you.

Unzip!

Consequently I enter this seedy union

devoid of any affection for you whatsoever, but,

knowing that closure requires I perform it.

And don't you even think about foreplay.

- Don't! - What?

Don't!

I thought you said "Don't."

I did say don't.

I'm in love with you.

Oh, dry up!

I'm serious!

I can't just have sex. Not anymore.

I want to be with you.

Well, be with me! Be with me for ten minutes.

That's all I ask! Two minutes! One minute!

Not even the big one, just the bit at the top!

Ah.

This is our last chance.

But then it ends?

No relationship? You marry Norman?

I thought that would be your favorite part.

Then I can't do it.

You saved me.

You're the messiah!

He said he wouldn't sleep with you

because you're the messiah?

What was I thinking?

I was just scared and Norman lied about the chapel.

And it made me nervous.

It's normal to be frightened. Don't you think?

- Absolutely. - But when I first saw Rick...

I think it was love at first sight.

It was like nothing else was happening in the world.

People were talking at the party in the street,

in homes...

but they weren't really there.

Only he was there.

Only us.

My mother would tell me to give Rick a chance.

She believed in love at first sight...

with Dad...

with her second husband...

with her third.

Just this sad, sad optimism.

On and on.

I don't want to end up like that.

Hi. Is Melissa here?

Can I talk to you?

The chapel isn't being renovated.

I didn't want Rick around when we got married, so, I lied.

I was already anxious about...

I got a little bit jealous and it was very childish of me.

I'm sorry.

There's nothing wrong with a little jealousy

as long as you tell me how you feel.

- Are you nervous? - Yes.

Me too. We can be nervous together.

And after tomorrow, everything...

will be fine.

♪ Love our love Will keep us together ♪

♪ Think of me babe whenever ♪

♪ Some sweet talking guy Comes along ♪

♪ Singing his song Don't mess around...♪

Good morning, Mrs. Dunne.

- Here you go. - Oh, thank you, dear.

Did you see who left it?

Sorry. It was on the desk.

I called a taxi for you. It will be here in half an hour.

Thank you, dear.

"Dear Edith...

I wish things could have been different for us...

but you must never forget that wherever I am...

I'll will be dreaming of what our life

might have been like...

and that your name will be the last thought I ever have.

With all my love.

Byron."

Hi.

It's lovely. Thank you.

When's your flight?

Tomorrow morning.

I haven't looked at all this stuff for years.

Is that Armadale? I grew up there.

Really?

My cousin lived there. We used to go there all the time.

That's her, Lizzy Banks.

- Me. - Lizzy Banks.

Lizzy Banks.

This is the party!

You were here?

Yeah.

This is the party where it all happened.

- I can't believe it! I was here! - What are you talking about?

This is the party where we met Melissa.

Rick knew someone who knew your cousin.

- That's me! - Where?

I took this.

I always thought it was Melissa.

♪ Honey, honey me and you ♪

I turned to the left...

and there she was.

♪ Do the things ♪

♪ That we like to do ♪

♪ Oh do a little dance ♪

♪ Make a little love Get down tonight ♪

♪ Get down tonight

I just turned the wrong way.

I should have turned to the right...

where you were.

♪ Get down tonight ♪

♪ Baby babe ♪

You're the one.

I'm not the one.

I'm not anyone.

I'm just a girl you spent a couple of days with.

That's all.

Alison?

So, we were in a room together once.

It doesn't mean anything.

But if you leave, won't you always wonder?

What if you're wrong?

Found you. I need to borrow something from you.

Something borrowed, something blue?

No worries. Come with me!

All these years I've kept little bits of you.

Why don't you trust me?

Why won't you trust me?

Because you didn't write.

You said you'd write, and I walked to the mail box

every day for a year...

hoping there'd be something from you and there never was.

I never imagined you wouldn't write.

I did write.

I just couldn't send them.

I wrote and wrote and rewrote.

But they were always the worst love letters ever written.

You knew Keats and Wordsworth...

off by heart and here I was--

"The sky is blue above. You gave my heart a shove.

You have all my love...

plus I think you're really pretty."

I couldn't find another word that rhymed with love.

You were right.

These are the worst love letters I've ever seen.

Rick, we're not the same people we were.

Everyone changes. It's not a bad thing.

We did have something wonderful, but it's over now.

You can keep them. I--

It's best that I don't.

Glove.

That rhymes with love.

I thought of that.

But I didn't think it was very romantic.

Probably right.

♪ Friday night it was late I was walking you home ♪

♪ We got down to the gate ♪

♪ And I was dreaming Of the night ♪

♪ Would it turn out right? ♪

Oh, the key.

Goodbye, dear. Take care.

Goodbye, Mrs. Dunne.

- Dad! Dad! - ♪ I wanna make you understand ♪

♪ I'm talking about A lifetime plan ♪

♪ That's the way it began We were hand-in-hand ♪

♪ Glenn Miller's band Was better than before ♪

♪ Oh we yelled And screamed for more ♪

♪ And the Porter tune ♪

♪ Made us dance Across the room...♪

- Dad, you dropped this. - Oh!

You wrote this? It was you? You wrote the poems?

Why didn't you tell me?

I hoped when we came here we'd find what used to have.

But every time I tried to talk to you

we fell into the old patterns.

So, I wrote the letters to tell you how I felt.

I was going to tell you it was me in the foyer

that morning, but we'd had such a bad row.

Did you really think...

that a few letters would change 32 years of unhappiness?

No.

But we can.

I want to listen to you.

I want to know everything about you.

What you want. What your hopes are.

Everything.

But you have to tell me.

I'll tell you.

I love the letters!

My God, you haven't done that for years.

Plenty more where that came from.

Okay.

Oh! Mm! Mm!

Mm!

Once again, you may kiss the bride.

Who would have thought the two of them...

Maybe there's something to this marriage thing

after all. What do you think?

The trick is doing it with the right person!

Eleanor, will you marry me?

Please be seated. We are gathered here today...

Since it is your intention

to enter into marriage...

In sickness and in health...

To have and to hold from this day forward...

If any man or woman can show just cause or impediment,

why these two should not be lawfully joined together

let them speak now or forever hold their peace.

I now pronounce you...

husband and wife.

You may kiss the bride.

Okay, girls. You ready?

- Ready? - Yes! Oh!

What are you doing?

I've just come out of a church.

I'm wearing a long dress, I have a veil on my head

and I've got confetti in my hair.

Does that tell you anything about my availability?

I know my timing's not great.

No, wait! Please! Look, one minute, please.

I had this big speech all prepared...

about change.

About passion...

about my parents kissing in the back seat of a taxi.

But, the only thing that I know in this world...

is that everything that has ever happened to me...

has led me here...

now, to you.

Because I love you.

Because I've always loved you.

So, what do you reckon?

Ah, here she is.

- Bye! - Bye!

See you at the reception.

See you! See you there, bye.

How did it go?

Okay, driver.

- Yes, sir. - Stop! Wait!

I want a divorce.

We just got married.

That's why I need the divorce.

The night you proposed,

do you remember, you held me for a long time.

I couldn't sleep. I went downstairs to the foyer.

But halfway down I saw my hands on the railings were shaking.

I couldn't make them stop.

I called my mother and she told me not to worry

you were a good man.

And I knew she was right.

But all night, lying next to you,

my hands wouldn't stop shaking.

You'll get over this...

you're being too emotional.

I hope so.

Rick! Wait!

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa! Stop the car!

Quick! Another word that rhymes with love.

Oh, ah.

Dove!

- Thank God! - ♪ God's white beard hung down ♪

♪ Sacrilegious town ♪

♪ Sleek nostalgia blonde ♪

♪ The one you had Your eyes on ♪

♪ As you came back From the altar ♪

♪ Your head was all a-gaga In love ♪

♪ With it all in love ♪

♪ With it all in love... ♪

I'll wait for you

Don't.

I don't know if I'm coming back at all.

Bye, Stephen.

Bye.

A year later, Rick and Melissa got married.

In the end, I didn't need to steal Rick's love.

It led me to my own.

I don't work weekends any more.

I don't work nights.

I never stay late.

And I leave work early every Friday.

And when I'm in the car

and I start to hear the planes landing,

that's when I'm happiest.

I'm always here by five,

because that's when Iberia flies in

from the glorious city of Barcelona.

My statistics indicate that the chances

of finding love in the world are improving a little.

It's now about 60 percent. A little higher on the weekends.

So, I come here early every Friday...

and wait.

Wonder what she's thinking...

where she is.

Maybe she's on a beach in Majorca.

And she goes for long walks during the day

and she feels the sand under her feet

and she's never been happier.

Or maybe she stayed in Barcelona

and she has an apartment and a job.

And a whole new life there.

Maybe.

Maybe...

she's on her way back to me.

♪ Have I told you lately That I love you?♪

♪ Have I told you There's no one above you?♪

♪ Fill my heart with gladness ♪

♪ Take away my sadness ♪

♪ Ease my troubles That's what you do ♪

♪ On the morning sun In all its glory ♪

♪ Greets the day with hope And comfort too ♪

♪ And you fill my life With laughter ♪

♪ You can make it better ♪

♪ Ease my troubles That's what you do ♪

♪ There's a love that's divine ♪

♪ And it's yours And it's mine like the sun ♪

♪ At the end of the day ♪

♪ We should give thanks And pray ♪

- ♪ To the one ♪ - Hi.

Hi.

♪ Say have I told you lately That I love you?♪

♪ Have I told you There's no one above you?♪

♪ Fill my heart with gladness ♪

♪ Take away my sadness ♪

♪ Ease my troubles That's what you do ♪

♪ There's a love that's divine ♪

♪ And it's yours and it's mine ♪

♪ And it shines like the sun ♪

♪ At the end of the day ♪

♪ We will give thanks And pray to the one ♪

♪ Have I told you lately That I love you?♪

♪ Have I told you There's no one above you?♪

♪ Fill my heart with gladness ♪

♪ Take away all my sadness ♪

♪ Ease my troubles That's what you do ♪

♪ Take away my sadness Fill my life with gladness ♪

♪ Ease my troubles That's what you do ♪

♪ Fill my life with gladness ♪

♪ Take away my sadness ♪

♪ Ease my troubles That's what you ♪

♪ Do ♪