Original subtitles

♪ It seems today that all you see is violence in movies and sex on TV ♪

♪ But where are those good old-fashioned values ♪

[all] ♪ On which we used to rely? ♪

♪ Lucky there's a family guy ♪

♪ Lucky there's a man who positively can do ♪

♪ All the things that make us ♪

♪ Laugh and cry ♪

[all] ♪ He's a family guy ♪

Oh, it was nice of the brewery to host this Oktoberfest.

Yeah, they wanted to support the community

and hopefully win back some of the market share

-they lost to fentanyl. -Those come in rainbow now.

Yeah, I reposted an article about that on Facebook

and said "FYI," so I basically saved the children.

This festival's kind of weird.

How did Germans even come up with Oktoberfest?

[German accent] So, guys, turns out everybody hates us

for all our world wars, et cetera.

We need to do something that shows

we are fun and silly, and not human exterminators.

What about beer, pretzels,

und horns that go "oompa oompa"?

That's good. Very good.

Yes, that, and little square mustaches because--

No more mustaches!

Meg, check it out.

A make-your-own-sausage station.

Are you supposed to be touching that?

Ha, they look like little poops--

Aah!

You must make me whole again.

Never mind, this is my destiny!

Hey, look, a chiropractor.

I could actually use an adjustment.

Oh, let's see how you turn this into a brag.

I hurt my back reading screenplays for a competition.

Finish the sentence.

-That I paid to be a judge in. -There you go.

-Hello. -Cha-ching!

I mean, hello. Would you guys like an adjustment?

-I'll take one. -Not me. I think you're a quack.

I also do colonic irrigation therapy.

I'll take a pamphlet.

[sniffs]

This head hole smells like spit.

Don't worry, I always give it one lazy wipe between patients.

Now, I'm gonna ask you some questions

I can steer into any direction I need.

-Do you ever feel tired? -I do.

And if you go a few hours between meals,

do you ever feel like you need to eat again?

Yeah, like, every day.

That's a big problem nowadays.

I have some very expensive supplements that'll help.

-[cracks] -Whoa. That feels great.

Yeah, that good feeling will last

right until you get into your car.

-Here's your bill. -$700?

That covers the consultation, evaluation, diagnosis,

adjustment, supplements and a fart surcharge.

-I didn't fart. -You did.

People always do. Or maybe I did.

Either way, I'll just bill it to your insurance.

Man, I can't believe-- [farts]

-Oh, there it is. -[chiropractor] Told you.

Did you see how much that chiropractor charged?

I could do the same thing he did.

You could, and that's not a compliment.

His degree was from a Margaritaville.

Should... should we become chiropractors?

Already on it. "Siri, how do I become a chiropractor?"

[Siri] Do you want to be a doctor,

but don't like to read books?

-Yes. -Congratulations.

You are now a chiropractor.

Mailing certification and teeth whitening kit now.

Oh, that was easy.

Yeah, thank God.

I needed a new job, and it was either this

or become a family photographer.

[announcer 1] Is your son just the cutest,

and are you eager to capture that precious sliver of time?

Well, at Son in Front of a Tree Photography,

we capture these memories for you

by photographing your son in front of a tree

in a park that's close to my house.

Put him in a shirt that he hates

and watch him lean, climb, or sit in front of a tree.

Hold his arms as he jumps into the air in front of a tree.

Sure, he bit you for making him take off his Spider-Man shoes,

but wait until you see

this photo of him resting on his hands

in front of a tree.

We'll even take one

of the parents in front of the tree.

Because at Son in Front of a Tree Photography,

we capture memories that'll last a lifetime.

And years later,

when that same son is forced out of college

for a team hazing scandal,

you'll look at the photos of your son in front of a tree

and wonder if that monster was always inside him.

Yeah, probably.

He bit you for taking off his shoes.

Call today.

[announcer 2] May not ever receive photos.

God, the prizes at these things are such junk.

I want one. Peter, win me a toy.

What? Why?

'Cause I'm New-England-lady drunk.

Either you win me a stupid stuffed something,

or I'm gonna start naming ex-boyfriends who would've.

Great, everybody, get ready to hear

who made First Team All-Dirtbag.

Tom Hambley would've had me double-fisting

highly-flammable bootleg SpongeBobs by now.

Yeah, didn't he also whip it out to your mom before your prom?

He said he mistimed how far away he was

from our hallway bathroom. Just throw the ball.

I would, but my elbow's acting up.

Old injury from The Late Night Wars.

I'll win you one of them things, Lois.

Oh, no, it's Mikey Bagshaw,

Lois' ex-boyfriend with shamrock tattoos on both calves.

You're allowed here?

Yeah, there ain't no schools close.

Then I guess it's your move, Peter.

This is really testing me.

I wonder what my old karate sensei would want me to do.

Take your sneakers off, Peter. You can't wear them on the mats.

But they light up, Sensei.

Put them in the cubbies. Geez, every class with this clown.

[strains]

[laughter]

[laughs] He throws like a girl!

Come on, people don't say that anymore, dude.

The correct term is he throws like a Chalamet, probably.

And on behalf of everyone at Channel 5,

we'd like to apologize for the pornography

that aired during our cooking segment.

There are a lot of very funny people

who are good at computers, and we can't stop them.

All right, who's ready for The Last of Us?

I love zombie shows about shrub overgrowth.

Chris, move, you're sitting in my spot.

Yeah, I think I'm gonna be sitting

wherever I want from now on, chief.

What? Where am I supposed to sit?

Kind of not my problem, chief.

Did you just double "chief" me?

-That's right, chief. -Triple?

Is this 'cause of the throw?

Well, technically, it didn't qualify as a throw.

It fell somewhere between a roll and a... [grunts weakly]

Come on, barely anybody saw that.

I'm sure it'll all blow over.

And now in "Ha-Ha, Look At This Guy" news,

ha-ha, look at this guy.

[grunts weakly]

[crowd laughing]

Aw, rats.

If that isn't an indication of how poorly

someone's penis works, I don't know what is.

Is this my fault, Peter?

Is it 'cause I made you watch Ted Lasso?

You know, maybe sports shows

should be about sports instead of feelings.

-Look, it's not that big a deal. -It is, though.

I always knew you were overweight,

but I thought you were at least athletic fat.

I told people you were a good fat, like an avocado.

Now, I don't know what you are.

Okay, I see that I don't have the support

of my family on this, but at least I have my friends.

I'm gonna see if they want to meet at The Clam.

-[phone whooshing] -They said they're busy.

I see GIFs of people without genitals.

That means busy.

Does this mean you're a beta dad now?

No, Chris. But I want you to know that I heard you.

Your feelings are valid, and thank you-- Oh, God, I am.

Aw, now I'm gonna have to hang out

at the beta dad headquarters,

the farmers' market.

This isn't spicy, is it?

No, sir, it's a strawberry.

Hmm, I better not. I can't do spicy.

I can't believe you guys got this business

started so quickly.

Yeah, we found the perfect spot with zero available parking,

and the rest just fell into place.

Chris, do you know what the most important part

of working in a busy doctor's office is?

-The patients? -Nope.

Taking care of the tropical fish

that's impossible to take care of.

Why is it swimming upside down?

I don't know. Sometimes it sinks, sometimes it floats,

and sometimes it does that. All are bad.

There's a number taped to the desk.

That's Eric, our tropical fish guy. He's gonna be your best friend.

Call him whenever it does anything.

Do everything Eric says.

None of it will work, but trust me, he's the best.

It flipped back over.

Why are you telling me? Tell Eric.

Remember, Peter, it's not drinking alone

as long as you have Popsicle Peter with you.

[high-pitched voice] Help.

He only uses me to scratch his icky parts.

[normal voice] Shut up and get to work in there.

Uh-oh, look who's here.

What the hell? You guys said you had plans,

but you're here drinking?

And you're in my spot, Cleveland.

Yep. Think I'm gonna be sitting

wherever I want from now on, chief.

Sorry, we didn't want people thinking

we were noodle-armed by association.

Yeah, my arms are literally all I have.

How do you not know how to throw?

I never learned.

My dad was always working when I was a kid,

and when he'd get home, he always said he had a headache.

That was back before everyone carried metal water bottles,

so no one drank water, and all adults had headaches.

My only friends were day raccoons,

who are the most social of all raccoons.

They're the ones who taught me how to throw.

So, that's why I throw bad for a guy,

but really good for a raccoon.

-Is all that true? -I don't know.

I've had several cases of rabies,

so memories are hard for me.

All I know is that I've spent the rest of my life

avoiding scenarios where I got to throw.

Didn't you go to Red Sox fantasy camp?

And I swear I've seen you having a catch

with Chris out on your front lawn.

Yeah, that was my stunt double.

He's the fat guy who dresses up like me at Comic-Con.

He wants to interview me as me,

and I'm just like, dude, no.

Excuse me, are you Peter Griffin?

That depends. Are you classlessly serving

a legal document for Jason Sudeikis?

No, I do promotions for a local minor league team,

the Quahog Blowholes.

Ah, yes, then I'm Peter.

I wanted to invite you to throw out

a ceremonial first pitch this weekend.

What? You know he can't throw, right?

Yes, that's why we want him.

Minor league baseball needs gimmicks to attract fans.

You guys remember the story about that chimpanzee umpire?

The one what ate up all them fans' faces?

Yup. That was me.

Anyway, we think you'd make the perfect gimmick, Peter.

I'll do it.

What? You're gonna embarrass yourself again.

This time on a bigger stage.

So? Did Batgirl just give up

when everyone said her movie stunk?

-Uh, yes. Very publicly, yes. -Oh.

Well, I'm not Batgirl.

I am gonna throw out that first pitch,

and it's gonna be a perfect strike.

I love confident idiots. It's why I bought a Tesla.

See you this weekend.

What are you doing?

You can't just learn how to throw in a couple days.

Hey, anything is possible.

Stanley Tucci's a sex symbol now.

You ever watch a guy with a bald head

and super hairy arms cook zucchini?

[Lois] Oh, yeah!

You like this apron?

It's a women's medium,

and it comes off real easy.

[Lois growls] Tucci!

Wow, you are so tight. Do you sit a lot?

Sitting's the silent killer.

No, I stand quite often.

And that's your problem right there.

Standing's the silent killer.

I actually mix it up pretty good.

Variety, the silent killer.

I can't believe how well this is going, Brian.

Please, call me Doctor B.

"Doctor," then one initial?

We must be doing very well.

Permission to speak like a human fist bump?

-Granted. -We are passing "Go."

We are collecting $200. We are...

[singsongy] crushing!

You have a couple of energy drinks

today there, Doctor B?

Had a few no-breakfast Monsters. Yep.

Eyes a little shaky. Feeling a little, uh, scared.

All right, yeah, you go take a walk.

I'll take the next patient. Chris, who's next?

Chris?

What the hell?

Chris opened his own office.

Hey, Doctor S,

my ears are still kinda ringing

from that adjustment.

You said you drank a soda once, right?

Sugar, the silent killer.

[grunts]

I guess I'm always just gonna be one of those guys

who throws like a girl.

-[shouts] -[Meg] You wish you threw like a girl.

Meg?

You're gonna throw out that first pitch, Dad,

and I'm gonna teach you.

Ha-ha-ha, much laughter

and exaggerated scenarios ahead.

[announcer] This joke was written by AI

while the writers were on strike.

Hey, listen. Thanks for teaching me how to throw,

but why are you helping me?

Because you're my dad.

And also because your last display

was really embarrassing.

I just didn't know you were so good at sports, Meg.

Are you serious?

I won a state championship with my basketball team.

I went to the Olympics in Korea.

Yeah, I don't watch the Meg episodes.

So, you don't know anything about me?

Yeah, I gotta be honest, I've got

a lot of passwords to remember,

so I'm-I'm always cycling through those.

Don't mind me, just grabbing my cigarettes

from their elaborate hiding spot.

Did you know Meg played sports?

Oh, yeah?

When?

Ugh, like my whole life.

There's trophies in my room.

Cool. Good for you.

That's a relief.

I put the magnesium in the bag.

Start with two before bed,

and if your stomach tolerates it, go to three.

Thanks, Doctor C. You know your fish

is swimming upside down, right?

Yeah, it's a water temperature thing,

I think. I hope.

What the hell, Chris?

You stole our clients.

So what? A lot of those people

came to you with real problems

and you just exploited them for money.

Yeah, that's the whole chiropractic model.

Well, I figured I could actually help them,

and take their money.

What do you even know about being a chiropractor?

Enough to look at your posture

and know that you sit for a living.

Oh, damn, he's good.

Look, I know you guys are upset.

Yes, we are competitors, but if you really think about it,

you'll see that our stories are the same

because we're both trying to...

-help people! -[cracks]

-[farts] -[laughing] There.

Now your legs are even.

Whoa. How'd you do that?

By caring.

That's the one thing you can't fake.

-Good luck, guys. -[phone rings]

Chris' Chiropractic, how may I health you?

Oh, hi, Eric.

Yeah, it's upside down again.

Dude, I did all that.

Okay, Dad.

I thought one way to get you throwing

would be to get tips from

one of the best pitchers of all time, Roger Clemens.

Hi, Peter.

Wow, I can't believe The Rocket is gonna help me.

The first thing you're gonna wanna do

-is grip the ball like this. -Okay, cool.

Then you're gonna wanna find the right place on your ass

to inject yourself, allegedly.

-What? -If I did this

while I was playing, I would've shoved it

right through my thick Texas jeans.

But I did not do this while I was playing.

-Can we go back to the grip-- -Rocket!

Then, when you're done,

make sure to discard your needles safely.

If I had ever done this, which I did not,

I would've discarded them in the top drawer

of my wife's dresser, in between her underwear

and necklaces, or her gym bag, allegedly.

Any place that isn't yours and is hers works.

Your forehead vein is pulsing.

That's what veins do, you nimrod.

Now, we wait.

Then, once you bite through your own tooth,

you know you're ready to pitch.

[straining]

[shouts]

Let's bean some Orioles!

So, I was talking to Mom,

and she told me that part of your problem

might be performance anxiety.

Yeah, what context was this brought up in?

The one you're thinking.

She said sometimes watching someone else

do it first helps.

So, I invited Cleveland over to do it with Mom

while you watch from this stool.

-[grunts] -Ow.

Want me to slow it down?

Oh, don't you dare.

I can take harder.

-Oh, yeah. Thank you. -Damn, you know how to catch it, girl.

-Oh, yeah, thank you. Oh, keep it going. -Yeah, catch it! Catch it!

-Oh, you are gonna split me in half! -Catch it with your leg out!

[Cleveland] You wanna hop in, Pete?

[Lois] No, he goes last

-when my mitt's the loosest. -[sighs]

You okay, Dad?

No. I never figured my life would end up like this

when I was getting my picture taken in front of that tree.

[announcer] Son in Front of a Tree Photography.

No one would ever guess

your boy would grow up to be a world-class cuck.

Why are we sitting on the field?

Because I think your biggest hurdle might be your mind.

I read that some pitchers have thrown their best games

while on LSD.

So let's do LSD.

Yeah, okay.

We had empty stomachs,

so the drugs kicked in pretty quick.

I never learned to throw that day,

but we got scared by a faucet and pooped ourselves

in an Exxon station.

I saw my whole life's timeline

that afternoon, and it was beautiful.

Now, it's my 92nd birthday and I'm on a sailboat

about to drink a CVS-brand euthanasia cocktail.

If you compare it to the name- brand euthanasia cocktails,

it's the same ingredients for half the cost.

In the future, we all die dignified deaths on sailboats.

So, that's why we guarantee

that our cracks are 30% louder

than that whack-job next door.

How do you measure that?

With doctor things. Let's start.

Wow, that was your C4 vertebra.

Ah, that was your L-M-N-O-P.

Take your time getting up.

If you feel dizzy, it's probably from the vaccine.

[announcer] Chiropractors, show me one who's vaccinated.

No, we don't validate parking,

but if you buy a coffee down the block, they will.

[man farts]

-Doctor B. Doctor S. -Doctor C.

Saw you put a pink salt lamp in your window.

I guess you're dabbling in witchcraft now.

Nope, just good air quality.

I heard you're still not paying for Pandora Premium,

so your music has commercials.

That sounds relaxing.

Relaxing enough to be fully booked this weekend.

Except for the lady who canceled

because Brian followed her on Instagram

right after her appointment.

Client outreach fail.

[tires screech]

Hi, we're from the Department of Health and Human Services.

We've been asked to investigate your businesses

for medical and insurance fraud.

We can go in and grab your files,

or you can grab them for us.

Quick "quesh." Do you guys have agents

on the back side of the building?

-We do. -Ah, a perimeter. Good.

How'd you catch us?

The same thing that gets every chiropractor.

The inflated, phony charges,

and the sports cars with vanity license plates.

Figured you were either chiros or drug dealers.

We'll give you five minutes to collect your tropical fish.

Oh, those are long dead.

I know you're nervous, Dad, but you can do this.

No, it's not that.

Do you think I have to shower with the team afterwards?

You need to focus, Dad. Look at me.

When you step out there, it's just you, the ball,

and 2,000 people who are counting on you to fail.

And if there's one thing I know about being your daughter,

it's that when someone's counting on you,

you always let them down.

So, are you gonna give them what they want?

Or are you gonna go out there and disappoint them?

I only know one way.

[announcer] And now, to throw out our ceremonial first pitch,

please welcome to the field,

Peter "Never Heard of Taylor Swift" Griffin.

Who?

Good luck, see you in the showers.

Individual stalls with smoked-glass doors?

Nope. Big, echoey, 1960s johnson-danglers.

[grunts on video]

[crowd laughing]

-Strike! Damn it. -[crowd groans]

Whoo! He did it!

[Peter] Ow!

I can't believe it. I threw a passable strike.

You're the only one who believed in me, Meg.

Are you okay?

Your arm is backwards and feels very hot.

Good job, Peter.

I guess you don't throw like a girl anymore.

No.

That's exactly what I throw like.

Time for a victory lap.

♪ Tra-la-la-la-la-la-la ♪

♪ La-la-la-la ♪

Is that how he really runs?

I'll, uh, we'll... we'll work on that.

[♪ Feel-good rock music playing, John Mellencamp "Small Town"]

[Peter] A lot of people remembered my pitch that day.

I'll remember it as the last day

it was called "Quahog Stadium."

The next day, they changed the name to "Porn Hub Field."

Called the team the "Jacks."

People say America's changed,

but I still think it's pretty great.

♪ Well, I was born in a small town... ♪

[♪ organ playing "Take Me Out to the Ball Game"]

Where do you think you're going, Griffin?

No one leaves without hitting the showers first.

Can I wear my gym shorts?

No. We gotta see it.

That's baseball.