Original subtitles

01 Police Squad Episode 1 - English

[MALE NARRATOR] Police Squad! In color.

Starring Leslie Nielsen.

Also starring Alan North.

[GUNS FIRING]

[SCREAMING]

And Rex Hamilton as Abraham Lincoln.

[GUN FIRING]

Tonight's special guest star, Lorne Greene.

Tonight's episode, The Broken Promise.

[JIM] Sally, I just can't cover up for you any more.

I'm in this thing way too deep already.

Oh, not as deep as I am.

Oh, honey, please, my orthodontist is getting anxious. He wants his money.

Well, tell him you haven't got it. What can he do?

What can he do?

He'd beat up his own mother when it comes to money.

Oh, Jim, please, you gotta go along with me or I'm in serious trouble.

I'm sorry, Sally.

Please, I only need a couple more days.

By then, the rubber bands will be off.

Yeah, sure, then next week you'll need a retainer.

- There's no end to it. - Jim, please, one more visit.

Just for tightening.

Sally, I'm sorry. This is it. End of the line.

[SIGHING] All right.

I'll think of something. I've got to.

Look, Sally, you know I'd like to help you,

but with the auditors coming in, I've got to balance the books.

[DOORBELL JINGLES]

Good afternoon, sir. May I help you?

- I'd like to cash this check. - Payroll check?

Yes, I'm with the Lerman tire company.

At least I used to be. I just got laid off today.

[JIM] Well, since this is your first time here,

can I see some identification, uh, Mr. Twice?

Yeah, sure. Here's my driver's license.

[JIM] Do you have two major credit cards?

Uh, thumbprint here, please.

Now stand on that line and look directly into the camera.

- [CAMERA CLICKS] - Thank you.

Now look to your left and cough.

[COUGHS]

And again.

[COUGHS]

Now, spread your toes, please.

And the other foot.

Thank you. Come and see us anytime, Mr. Twice.

Thanks.

[GUN FIRING]

Sally!

[GUN FIRING]

Sally!

[SCREAMING]

[DREBIN] My name is Sergeant Frank Drebin,

Detective Lieutenant, Police Squad,

a special detail of the police department.

There'd been a recent wave of gorgeous fashion models

found naked and unconscious in Laundromats on the West Side.

Unfortunately, I was assigned to investigate

hold ups at neighbourhood credit unions.

I was across town doing my laundry

when I heard their call on the double killing.

It took me 20 minutes to get there.

My boss was already on the scene.

An attempted hold up, Frank. Cashier's the only witness.

According to her, the gunman shot the teller,

she grabbed the gun and shot the hold up man.

It's the same M.O. as the others.

It could be, but this one has an interesting wrinkle.

The gunman, Twice, is a good family man with no prior record.

- Could I talk to her? - Sure.

This is Sally Decker, Frank.

- Hello, Miss Decker. - Hello.

I'm Captain Frank Drebin.

I understand you've had a pretty rough time.

Yeah, it was pretty bad.

- Cigarette? - Yes, I know.

Well.

- Do you feel up to any questions? - I'll try.

Where were you when all this happened?

I was right here at my desk, working.

And when was the first time you noticed something was wrong?

Well, when I first heard the shot, and as I turned, Jim fell.

Uh, he's the teller, Frank.

- What, Jim Fell's the teller? - No, Jim Johnson.

- Who's Jim Fell? - [HOCKEN] Oh, he's the auditor, Frank.

He had the flu, so Jim filled in.

Phil Who?

- Phil Din. He's the night watchman, Frank. - [CRYING]

If only Phil had been here.

Now wait a minute. Let me get this straight.

Twice came in and shot the teller and Jim fell.

No, he only shot the teller, Jim Johnson. Fell is ill.

Okay, then after he shot the teller, you shot Twice.

No, I only shot once.

Twice is the holdup man.

Then I guess I did shoot Twice.

Oh, so now you're changing your story.

No, I shot Twice after Jim fell.

You shot Twice and Jim Fell?

No, Jim fell first, and then I shot Twice once.

- Who fired twice? - Once.

He's the owner of the tire company, Frank.

Okay.

Wunce is the owner of the tire company and he fired Twice.

- Then Twice shot the teller once. - Twice.

- And Jim fell and then you fired twice. - Once.

Mmm.

Okay, all right, that'll be all for now, Miss Decker.

Now, we'll need you to make a formal statement down at the station.

Oh, of course.

You've been very helpful. We think we know how he did it.

Oh, Howie couldn't have done it. He hasn't been in for weeks.

Well.

- Thank you again, Miss Decker. - [SALLY SOBBING]

Weeks?

Sol Weeks. He's the controller, Frank.

[DREBIN] Sally Decker told a convincing story.

I thought she would make a good witness if the case ever came to trial.

But somehow, something didn't sit right.

I drove back to Police Squad

to see what Homicide and the lab boys had picked up.

So, Billy, when the moisture in the air comes in contact with the cold pitcher,

it forms water droplets, what we call "condensation."

Just like on your mother when she gets out of the shower,

glistening with tiny little beads of...

Oh, hi, Frank.

That'll be all for today, Billy.

Next week, we'll look into some interesting experiments

we can do with discarded swimwear.

Gee, thanks, Mr. Olsen. Bye.

You come up with anything, Ted?

Well, we got the coroner's report

on the depth of penetration of the bullet in Jim Johnson's body.

If the holdup man had been where Sally Decker said,

the bullet should have penetrated deeper.

Let me show you what we did.

These guns are identical to the one that killed Jim Johnson.

Watch carefully as I test fire this gun

into these videotapes of Barbara Walters interviews.

As you can see, it completely destroys the Burt Reynolds interview.

And everything from... from Bo Derek to Paul Newman.

But only up to the point where Barbra asks him,

"Is it difficult to love?"

Now let me show you what happens when the gun is fired from three feet.

Which is the distance Sally claimed the shots were fired from.

Notice?

Complete destruction.

Right up to the point where she asked Katharine Hepburn

what kind of tree she'd like to be.

[DREBIN] Our next stop was a neighborhood known as Little Italy.

A criminal investigation seldom follows a straightforward, clear-cut course.

This one was obviously no exception.

I felt we had to talk with Ralph Twice's widow

to see how much she knew.

Oh, please go away.

Please go away.

I don't want to answer any more of your questions.

We're sorry to bother you at a time like this, Mrs. Twice.

We would have come earlier, but your husband wasn't dead then.

Oh, Ralph was such a good man.

Who could have done such a horrible thing?

Did he owe any money?

Doctor bills? Gambling debts? Book-of-the-Month Club?

No, nothing.

Just two more payments on our solar telescope.

Oh, poor Ralph.

Do you know what it's like to be married to a wonderful man for 14 years?

No, I can't say that I do.

I did, uh, live with a guy once, though,

but that was just for a couple of years.

Usual slurs, rumours, innuendos, people didn't understand.

[CRYING] om

Ran him out of town like a common pig my.

Did he have any enemies?

[SNIFFING] Well, the Democrats didn't like him.

Sure, he was a physical education major, but he had a mind.

He could think. He wasn't all muscle, all body, all sinewy limbs.

He got married, you know, later, had three kids.

Never cared for her. Sent a nice gift, never got a note.

[SOBBING]

Now, I know this is a long shot, but did he ever eat chop suey?

Why, no. No, he never did.

It was just a hunch.

I told him she was wrong.

[SOBBING]

And that youngest boy, just like his father, football hero.

Lived with him for a year. It wasn't the same.

- Can't go back. - Oh, poor Ralph.

And what about my daughter? What am I gonna tell her?

Yeah, you're gonna have to tell her something.

- Tell her he went on a long trip. - Tell her... Wait a minute.

How about a big monster came and took him to Daddy Heaven?

Oh!

- Nah. - What about this?

He threw himself on a grenade to save the battalion? Yeah, that's it.

No, no, wait a minute.

He was killed by left wing insurgents from Paraguay.

No, Bolivia!

I got it. I got... He... He was traded to the Cubs for Reggie Jackson.

[DREBIN] No further progress was made in the next 10 hours.

The following morning, I reported back to Police Squad.

About 10:00, Sally Decker dictated a formal statement.

She said the holdup man had come in once before,

to extort protection money.

- Something new? - Nothing.

Anything here?

Not until we get the lab reports.

AL: I got them right here, Chief.

Reports on our APB, negative.

R and I rundown on Twice, negative.

Fingerprint identification, negative.

Well, if he was crooked, he sure had a lot of people fooled.

What about the final autopsy report on Johnson and Twice?

- They should rest in peace. - Yeah, anything unusual there?

Yeah, take a look at that section on bullet penetration.

Mmm, according to this,

the bullet canals in both bodies took an upward course.

And they were standing face to face.

Just a few feet apart.

Get me Pete Preussing at Homicide.

Tell him I want to meet him and a few of his men

down at the Acme Credit Union.

Right away, sir.

[DREBIN] Now, Preussing, move closer, slowly.

All right, that's it.

This is the approximate distance

the two men were apart when the shots were fired.

Now, McBeen, you're gonna be the teller.

Preussing, you're Ralph Twice.

The tape indicates the path the bullet took.

All right.

Holdup man enters, demands money and fires.

[DREBIN] I spent most of the afternoon trying to determine

the possible angles from which the bullets might have been fired.

Re-enactment of a crime in this way can be a helpful tool

in a criminal investigation.

If the teller had his back turned and then the gunman fired

[GUNSHOT] Hmm.

- A ricochet. - [GUNSHOT]

[PHONE RINGING]

After several hours, I had some interesting theories,

but still nothing conclusive.

When my boss called, I gave him the information,

but I knew I needed more answers.

And I had an idea of where I could get some.

[SIGHING]

What's the word on the street, Johnny?

I don't know. I hear a lot of things. Pick a topic.

Do you know anything about the double killings

at the Acme Credit Union?

You're barking up the wrong tree with this Ralph Twice.

He's a good family man and makes a decent living.

Wasn't his fault he got fired from the tire company.

But who could predict that Brazil would cut off the rubber supply?

They're nationalizing the industry in two weeks,

so he would have gotten his job back anyway.

Now, Sally Decker, that's another story.

She used to be Joe Surlow's girl until she got involved in the numbers.

Before you knew it, she was up to her pretty little neck

in penny-ante bunko scams.

Where do I locate this Surlow?

He's working at this address.

Thanks, Johnny.

What do you know about life after death?

I wouldn't know anything about it.

You talking existential being or anthropomorphic deity?

[DREBIN] After taking care of an urgent personal matter,

I proceeded directly to the address that Johnny had given me.

It turned out to be one of those all-night wicker places.

Surlow had done some time years earlier for a minor of fence.

He was one of those guys who had come up through

the school of hard knocks.

Eventually, he admitted that he and Sally had been long-time acquaintances.

She had come to him recently

to ask for money to pay off an oral debt.

The orthodontist needed the money.

Surlow had done what he could for her.

Fortunately, he had remembered the dentist's name,

Dr. Robert Zubatsky.

[INDISTINCT]

[DREBIN] Zubatsky's office was located in Fox Point Heights.

A fashionable area of town where foreign imports

and two-martini lunches were the order of the day.

His clientele were the sons and daughters of the privileged.

I decided it might be a good time to have my teeth checked.

Mr. Drebin, Dr. Zubatsky will see you now.

That's the second door on your left, Mr. Drebin.

You're next, Carl.

As soon as this impression is complete, we'll know a lot more, Mr. Drebin.

Are those X-rays ready, Miss Frenzell?

Yes, Doctor. Would you like to take a look?

Yes, I would.

[SUCTIONING]

[SUCTIONING]

[SUCTIONING]

[SUCTIONING]

All right, let's get started, shall we?

[MUMBLES]

[MUMBLING INCOHERENTLY]

Sally Decker? Sally Decker. That name rings a bell.

No, I can't place it.

[MUMBLING INCOHERENTLY]

Look, I'm telling you, I don't know her.

[MUMBLING INCOHERENTLY]

All right, I know her. She was a patient of mine.

Her lower left quadrant was all messed up, but so what?

[DENTIST CHOKING]

[MUMBLING INCOHERENTLY]

Okay, okay, now, look, uh, she's a good... good... good-looking dame.

We went out and had, uh, laughs,

a couple of drinks, but, uh, uh, that's the whole story.

[MUMBLING INCOHERENTLY]

Look, look, I... I don't need trouble. I'll cooperate.

My God, you're an animal!

I am not an animal!

I am a human being!

[DREBIN] Zubatsky's information pointed in the same direction,

Sally Decker.

The pieces were now coming together, but they still weren't enough.

We needed something more for a conviction.

I stopped back at Police Squad to set the trap.

When I got to the elevator, my boss was already on the scene.

Any luck with the dentist, Frank?

Sally paid him up in full, one clay after the double killing and theft.

[BELL DINGING]

- How do you know that? - Went through his files.

Sally was seeing Zubatsky, six years, maybe seven.

Eight times a year.

Always in arrears. Then suddenly, 24 hours after the killing,

she's paid up in full.

[BELL DINGING]

Well, it looks like she's in this thing up to her pretty little ears.

Was the, uh, dentist cooperative?

Yeah, he gave us plenty of rope.

Now we have to see if we can get Sally to stick her head into the noose.

Yeah.

SALLY: Hello?

Hello, Sally, this is Dr. Zubatsky.

[ZUBATSKY'S VOICE] I need to talk to you.

Sorry, B.Z., we're through.

I paid you in full.

I made an appointment with another orthodontist.

That's right, Sally. You did pay me. I have the money right here.

Fresh from the mint, traceable.

You wanna talk?

Yeah, okay, you win.

Half an hour.

Corner of Cherry and Galena.

What was the phony phone call about?

Just socializing.

Talked to our little friend, Sally Decker.

Well, outside of the fact that she paid off the dentist,

we still have no real proof and no motive.

Well, I say dippin' into the till for $1,200 is a pretty good motive.

Not enough, Frank. We'll need more.

Don't worry.

I got a date with her.

Frank, one thing.

Now, if you're right, she's already killed two men.

You'd better watch your step.

[SCREAMS]

Sergeant Drebin!

- Hello, Sally, you waiting for someone? - I was just about to leave.

Yeah, that's the trouble with doctors. They always keep you waiting.

I don't know what you're talking about.

Come on over here and sit down. I'll tell you.

I've been doing some checking up, Sally, and it doesn't add up.

What do you mean, Lieutenant?

I don't think that Twice shot Johnson.

I don't understand. I was there when it happened.

I think that you took the money, to pay your orthodontist.

Oh, Captain Drebin! That just isn't true.

You knew it was just a matter of time.

You knew that, until the payoff was discovered.

But that's impossible.

I haven't ever been involved in anything so heinous.

Yeah, that's right. Sally Decker has no record.

But Sally was formerly Babs Caltrane.

Notorious gunrunner in Memphis.

Only difference is, Babs has red hair.

And before that, she was a brunette hit man named Zazu Pitts.

And before that, she sang backup for Aretha Franklin.

All right, Frank, did your research reveal that I did a stint

with the marines and reupped?

No, I can't say that it did.

[SALLY EXCLAIMS]

[SCREAMS]

Sally! Sally Decker!

This is the police.

You are surrounded.

Throw down your gun and surrender. You do not have a chance.

[GUN CLICKS]

[POLICE SIREN WAILING]

[GUN CLICKS]

All right, Sally, you're under arrest.

Sergeant, take her away and book her.

Sergeant Takeraway.

Sergeant Booker.

Well, that was some pretty fancy police work, Frank.

I know you got Sally's record from R and I,

but how did you know she handled the loan office heist?

Just a little hunch back at the office.

Thought so. I brought that little hunchback with me.

- Charlie, come out here. - Charlie, good going.

Oh, hi, Frank.

Hi, Ed. Just got back from the arraignment.

Sally Decker's gonna have to get her teeth straightened

in the Stateville Prison from now on.

Good.

And there'll be plenty of time to do it, too.

Got something on the side of your mouth, Al.

No, no, no, the other side.

You know, Frank, there's one thing I still don't understand.

Now, how did you know that the money

Sally gave to Dr. Zubatsky wasn't traceable?

- I didn't. - Yeah?

But neither did Sally.

[MALE NARRATOR] Be sure to tune in next week for another exciting story

from the files of Police Squad!