Original subtitles

NEWS REPORTER: [ON TV] This is the robbery

in the Atlanta, suburban neighborhood this month.

What?

NEWS REPORTER: [ON TV] Police say they are doing all they can

to prevent further incidents.

Hello? Uh-- yeah.

This is Curtis Payne--

the fire chief from down the street.

Yeah.

I need to speak with Samson Wright.

Curtis Payne from up the street.

Yeah.

What do you mean he doesn't live there anymore?

What?

What?

Well, who's over at the neighborhood watch?

You need to watch your tone with me?

I don't-- look, I'll come down there and whoop your-- hello?

Hello!

Hi, baby.

Curtis, I just love you being here when I come home.

Get your feet off my couch.

Curtis, watch my-- look, look!

OK, baby, what do you think about this dress?

Work it, Ella!

The Golden Girls called.

They said they want their dress back.

Please.

Baby, did you Samson Wright moved?

What?

Yes, baby.

He left about nine months ago.

Curtis, what about this one? - How am I to know?

What about this one? I love it!

Oh, baby, that's too busy.

Why I didn't know that?

Curtis, I don't know.

Only a few people knew.

His wife kicked him out after she found out

that he was having those little late night,

neighborhood watch meetings-- just he and Mrs. Franklin.

So why we never had a one-on-one meeting?

I'll tell you why-- because Samson always been on--

Because they were having an affair!

Oh! - Oh!

Well, then who's over at the neighborhood watch?

I don't know. I guess nobody.

What do you think about this one, baby?

Baby, that looks like a granite, kitchen counter top.

As a matter of fact, I'll throw you on the counter.

Then it'll look like something.

Curtis, be quiet.

Then it'll look like something.

You know what, baby?

ELLA PAYNE: Yes.

Ever since Calvin got shot, I been hearing about the crime

rise in this area.

Navy blue.

Baby, we need a president for the neighborhood watch.

You know what?

I should do it.

I'm going to do it.

Oh, I can't.

Mr. Wilson is the senior neighbor.

Well, he died a month ago.

Did he?

Well, why ain't get a newsletter or something?

Why I didn't know about that?

Yeah.

I'm going to do it.

I'm going to do it.

Well, Curtis, I'm sure--

never mind.

What-- what were you going to say?

Baby, let God use you.

Come on.

What are you going to say?

Look, Curtis, I'm sure that you would probably

make a great president.

Thank you.

That's what I want you to say.

But to do that job, baby, you got to have to have decorum.

Yeah.

And I ain't got decorum?

You can't even spell decorum.

D-E-- corum.

No, no.

Baby, come on.

I'm running for president.

I'm running for president.

- Fine, Curtis. - And I'm going to win.

Fine. Go ahead.

And you want to talk about decorum-- these

dresses ain't got no decorum!

Yes, I can!

Yes, I can!

No, you cannot.

Yes, I can and I will!

Curtis!

And I'm taking these non-decorum dresses

back to pay for my campaign.

Curtis!

You are my first donator.

[theme music]

Hey, baby, come here!

ELLA PAYNE: Curtis, what is it now?

Baby, come on now. Come here!

Curtis, what is it-- I can-- I can see you from--

Come on, check this out.

I need you-- I need you to check something out.

What?

Baby, I want you to check this out.

This is my ideas and changes that I'm

implementing as president of the neighborhood watch.

Curtis, are you really serious about this?

Yes, I am, baby.

Ever since Calvin got shot, I just

think it's my duty to step up.

OK.

Make this neighborhood a better place.

OK.

OK.

What's up, everybody?

Hey, baby.

Why don't you knock?

Me and your aunt could be in here, getting busy.

I wouldn't sit there, if I was you.

So glad you here.

You might not want to sit there neither.

What brings you by?

Oh, I just came by to say, hey.

You want something to eat?

No, no.

I'm fine.

Oh, this is nice.

Who picked this out?

I was just about to tell Ella my--

my changes and ideas I got, as I'm running for president

of the neighborhood watch.

Your uncle is running for the new neighborhood watch

president.

Thank you.

OK.

Well, let's-- let's hear what you got.

OK.

Number one-- all unattractive people have to be in the house

before dark.

Number two--

How does that cut down on crime?

Baby, it's a proven fact that ugly attracts crime.

Come on, read the statistics, baby.

You got to read something other than the Bible.

And even have if you read the Bible, you should know.

Pharaoh-- ugly.

Judas-- ugly.

Lucifer-- hideous.

That is ridiculous.

And I'm shocked that this is your agenda.

Well, I'm shocked, too.

And I'll tell you what's ridiculous-- ridiculous

is that my family is not supporting my agenda.

And I think if my family can't support my agenda,

then my family needs to step out.

Get a move on it.

I've got work to do.

Chop, chop!

Aunt Ella, I just came to say, hi.

Yes, baby.

Hi and bye.

Hey, everybody!

I'm home!

Mom?

Dad?

Anybody?

Good.

I'm all alone.

Oh my god.

They're going to kill me.

Hello?

Yes.

Customer service.

Customer service.

Yes.

Hello, I'm calling about my credit card.

Uh-- who-- who is this?

Um--

[IN WOMAN'S VOICE] This is-- this is Janine Payne.

Yeah, this is Janine.

I'm calling about getting an extension on my credit

card for my account.

Yeah.

I'm-- I'm not a man.

Come on!

Are you going to help me or not? Hello?

Hello!

Oh!

Hey, mom!

Hi!

I didn't know you were coming home this weekend!

Hi!

When did you get here?

Oh, I got in a couple of minutes ago.

I really didn't have any plans this weekend,

so I can't stay away from you all too long.

Oh.

So in other words, you have some laundry you need done

and you want some money, right?

You got that right.

Well, listen, your dad and the twins will be here later.

They're going to be so happy to see you.

Go and put your laundry in the laundry room.

I'll get dinner started. - Oh, you know what?

Actually, why don't I do laundry and I can make dinner?

You can-- come on.

Come on over to the couch.

You OK?

Yeah.

I'm perfectly fine.

You can just relax and sit back.

There you go.

Sit.

There you go.

This is awkward.

Yeah.

I'll get everything started for you.

OK.

Somebody needs a big advance on their allowance, huh?

You have no idea.

President here, president here, president here!

President of the new neighborhood watch.

I need you to come.

I'm the president of the neighborhood

watch-- the new president.

I need y'all at the meeting.

Be there or be square.

There you go.

I'm the president of the neighborhood watch.

Uh-- yeah.

I'm going to need you off the street before sunset.

ELLA PAYNE: Curtis!

And don't have no kids.

What are you doing?

Oh, baby!

I'm passing out my fliers.

I got to let them know I'm president, I'm in charge.

People got to know.

But Curtis, you're not in charge, baby.

You have to be voted in before you can just take the position.

You can't just take the position and expect

people to follow you.

They followed Moses.

Then you get a staff--

wait.

And when your staff parts the Red Sea, then maybe

we'll follow you, OK It then--

Curtis, Curtis.

What?

Until then, baby, you can't-- you have

to be voted in by a committee.

Oh, baby, please! Please!

That just dumb.

There ain't nobody else even interested in the position.

You keep saying I have to wait on a committee-- for what?

Neighborhood watch president.

Ain't nobody else running.

- You don't know-- - Except me.

The new neighborhood watch president.

Thank you. Thank you.

Neighborhood watch president-- CJ Payne.

You, too?

What was-- what the hell are you doing?

What-- what does it look like I'm doing?

I'm running for neighborhood watch president.

No, I'm running for neighborhood watch president.

Guess what?

You are going down!

No, you going down!

No, you going down!

No, you going down!

[grunting]

[tv blazing]

Hey, babe, what's up?

Hey, baby. I'll tell you what's up--

I was just at the store, trying to get some groceries

and our credit card was declined.

No.

That's got to be a mistake because I just paid

on that credit card last week.

Did you call the credit card company?

Of course, I did.

Are you sure you didn't go on one of your shopping sprees

and forget?

I did not forget.

I would remember going on a shopping spree.

Oh, because you are definitely known to go on shopping

sprees and just black out.

OK.

So you're really trying to say the credit card does not burn

a hole through your pocket?

When do I ever use a credit card?

You-- steak knives.

They cut through wood!

Wait!

Let's get back online, OK?

We'll check the account, see what's been spent.

- All right. - All right.

And-- and when I get an apology, a heartfelt apology--

OK.

After we find out what's really going on.

Uh huh.

I know you want the glory here, but it was not me.

We're about to see that.

Password.

Boom!

$119 at Italian Bistro?

Who were you eating dinner with, Janine?

Nobody! Nobody!

$250 at the shoe place? $92.50 at Victoria's Secret.

See, this is ridiculous.

Absolutely outrageous, especially since you come

to bed wearing old socks and baseball jerseys,

I would like to add.

You would like to add?

You said these cut through wood?

You know what?

Let's-- let's-- let's look at this for a minute because--

exactly.

These charges aren't on either one of our cards.

Hey, I'm going to hang out with some friends.

See you guys later.

Hey, man, have you been using the credit card

that we gave you for emergencies to buy

Italian dinners and shoes?

And lingerie?

I mean, I may have bought a couple of things.

Oh, you-- you-- may have bought a couple of things?

How many couple of things did you buy?

Who have you been buying lingerie for?

Oh, please tell me this boy ain't freaky.

No!

It's for for my girlfriend, Summer.

Who?

I'm sorry.

I didn't realize how much I spent.

We gave you that credit card for emergencies.

Dinners, shoes, sexy nightwear-- does any of that sound

like an emergency to you?

Any of it!

It was just a credit card.

So what?

No, no, no.

Now what you did was totally unacceptable

and you're going to have to fix it.

I had trouble finding jobs because I ruined my credit.

You ruined my credit, too.

What did you say?

Yeah.

I didn't say nothing about no nothing.

What does credit have to do with getting a job?

What?

Malik, people look at your credit report

to determine what kind of person you are.

If they don't like what they find on that paper,

it-- you may not get the job. - Yeah.

Pay your bills on time, people think you're reliable.

Come on!

People can't judge me just because I

buy things I don't need, then don't pay it back right away.

Sometimes I hide it.

Oh my god!

I'm a deadbeat.

Why would you do that?

I mean, you know you don't have that kind of money.

Well, I was trying to impress Summer

and she comes from money.

Then why you ain't use Summer's credit card.

Really?

OK.

Look, I'll pay it back as soon as I get to school.

No.

You're going to pay it now.

I've got the account pulled up.

And next time you want to buy something for a girl,

think of your mother.

I like night clothes, I like lotions.

Yes.

But sometimes you coming to bed looking like you

just rolled around in flour--

just ashy.

No, no.

See, that's why you got you-- yeah.

Because I really wasn't supposed to say that.

Welcome our first ever neighborhood watch debate.

We are so excited to have these two gentlemen to come and speak

on their behalf, on their views of what they feel

the best issues are for this--

Curtis, do you have a question?

I have my hand up.

Yes, baby, where are the snacks we were promised?

Baby, we will bring the fruit out later, OK?

That's fine.

But just for the record, fruits ain't snacks.

That's vegetables.

I'm working for you already.

Thank you.

That's what I do.

Thank you Thank you.

And now we will hear from our first candidate,

Fire Commissioner CJ Payne.

[applause]

Thank you.

Thank you, Aunt Ella.

Boo!

Thank you.

I decided to run for president of our neighborhood watch

because we need someone who cares.

Oh, he don't.

We need someone who is committed to giving their time.

You see, because I've been a resident of this neighborhood

since--

[yawning]

Oh, I'm sorry.

I was going to sleep.

You can sit down.

First of all, I want to give honor to God, who

is the head of my wife's life.

Hallelujah.

I've lived in this neighborhood for 25 plus years.

I've seen it at its best, I've seen it at its worst.

The worst day I ever saw was when my son, Calvin, was shot.

And there, I knew something had to be done

to take back the neighborhood!

And there, I began to run!

Oh.

That is exactly why I'm running--

because we need someone who is going to take this job serious,

not someone who wants to mimic Dr. King.

Why don't you tell them about your plan

for the unattractive neighbors?

I've changed my mind on that position.

Because if I didn't, half of y'all would be at home.

We need someone who is going to take this position serious.

Now I plan to make sure that every house has an exterior

light because predators are less likely to invade

a well-lit house.

Well, I have a plan, too.

Yes?

And my plan is to be available to you at all times,

you heard me?

Because as you all well know, our last president

was available to one person all the time.

ELLA PAYNE: Don't you--

CURTIS PAYNE: And we won't say no names.

Uh-- our-- our final statements, please.

Please!

This position deserves a person that can commit.

And now people, I need you to be honest with yourselves.

Who can do that?

Huh?

Is it someone who's retired, like myself?

Or my opponent, who is a active fire commissioner and

he could get a call at any time?

Think about it.

You think about it!

Ladies and gentlemen, you're here because you want change.

And that's what I'm offering-- change.

See, I am committed to making sure--

[cell ringing]

[audience whispering]

Excuse me.

- One second. - One second.

I have to take this. - One second.

It could be the fire department. - Yeah.

It could be, but it still makes my point.

You see what I'm saying? The truth--

Curtis, will you stop calling me!

That's not funny.

Lies!

Lies and innuen-- baby, how you say that?

Innuendo.

And innuendos.

People, you been lied to, you been hoodwinked!

You been bamboozled!

Led stray!

Run amok!

Thank you.

Now would be a good time for us to take our snack break.

Dr. King?

So if you would--

You're going to start with Dr. King

and then you're going to end with Malcolm X!

That wasn't Malcolm X!

What are you doing?

That was Joseph [inaudible]!

What a plan!

What a plan!

The Civil Rights Movement!

What-- what are you going--

Oh.

[forced laughter]

I was telling my nephew, I hope it don't

feel too bad when I beat him.

Listen, these good people are smart enough to know who

the best man for the job is.

You think?

OK.

Gather around, everyone.

You know?

I know!

Gather around, everyone!

The tally of the votes are in.

OK.

Thank you for coming out and participating.

This was such a close race.

Oh, goodness!

It was so close--

this race was just too--

OK.

Can you get on with it, woman?

Curtis, it was so close that we have a tie!

Oh!

A what?

ELLA PAYNE: A tie!

That's impossible.

We can't be a tie.

There's not a tie if everybody voted.

Oh, wait, wait.

I forgot to vote.

You forgot to--

CJ

He got Alzheimer's!

Huh?

And He's a convicted felon, did you know that?

And he's an illegal alien.

And he don't recycle.

He shouldn't be allowed to vote.

It's so dirty.

Oh, you so dirty.

The new neighborhood watch president is Curtis T. Payne!

Woohoo!

Yes!

Moi?

That's me, baby?

It's you.

- What do you-- watch out. - Curtis!

Let me see it! Look at it!

Look at it!

Look at it!

I'm the president!

I'm the president, everybody!

This is your president, right here!

I'm changing some things, you heard me?

And this is my first lady.

I'm buying her some new dresses.

Enough about her.

President!

CJ, you voted for Curtis?

Yeah.

Why, baby?

Why?

Well, once I could see that he was taking the job serious,

I knew he was the best man for the job.

Yes, he is.

Yeah.

Thank you.

Unc.

Congrats.

Nephew, thank you.

Man, if you were going to vote for me,

why did you run against me?

Well, I only ran against you to, you know,

just show you how serious the position was.

Once I saw that you were taking it serious,

I knew there was no one better.

Well, you got that right.

And I'm going to do everything that I promise for the people.

- Good. - All right.

Good.

So--

I hope you realize that being neighborhood watch president

is really time consuming.

Huh?

Yeah.

I mean, it could be like having a full time job.

What do you mean?

I mean, you got people knocking on your door

at all hours of the night.

Oh, hell no!

And you got-- you know, you got to go

to every city council meeting.

I don't know about that.

It's like real work.

I never thought about it.

Yeah.

OK.

Enjoy!

ELLA PAYNE: See you later, CJ

All right, everybody!

Now your new neighborhood watch president

will address all of your questions,

and comments, and your concerns.

Yes.

Please, come, come, come.

- Anyone have any questions? - Yes!

Yes!

[crowd talking at once]

Curtis, don't do that!