Original subtitles

ELLA [VOICEOVER]: Previously on "House of Payne."

Everyone has to go to church.

Christian is getting christened today.

Oh, bless him in the name of the Father

and them other dudes.

Pops, you have to go to church.

It's your grandchild, Unc.

There'll be others.

So his grandfather isn't gonna be there.

I mean, what else can happen?

I-- I left the hat at the house.

I broke my heel on the way over here.

Baby, just calm down.

I'll run back to the house and get the hat.

Hey, Calvin, that baseball traffic is gonna be crazy.

Baby, are you sure you're gonna make it back?

Yeah, I'll be fine.

Let's give God praise for Pastor Smokey Norville.

[applause]

[SINGING]: It feels so good to make it--

What's wrong, baby?

It's just, Calvin should be here by now.

I don't know what's taking him so long.

Hey, baby, I checked at our place.

I couldn't find it.

I checked at mom and pops.

And now I'm at CJ and Janine's, and I found it.

I'll be right there.

Wait, wait, wait, wait.

[theme music]

I cannot not believe that Calvin

missed the entire ceremony.

I know.

You've been talking about that the whole way home.

Listen, I realize you're frustrated and everything--

Girl, will you find the key?

Let me look, OK?

Besides, Uncle Curtis and CJ will be here any minute.

They were right behind us.

You know what?

A father--

Yes, Father, yes.

A father is supposed to be there

for his child's christening.

All he had to do was go to the house and get the hat.

Take the hat, bring it back to the church.

That is all that he had to do.

But could he do that?

No!

Maybe he couldn't find it.

How about you find the key?

I'm looking!

Besides, you know Calvin.

He probably went to the store to get another one.

Did you-- did you-- just check your phone.

Look.

My phone is dead.

Oh, oh, and my charger is in the baby bag,

that I gave to the pastor's wife when she took the kids for ice

cream after the service.

Of course you did.

This is a complete disaster.

Listen, you-- you have to calm down.

Can you find the key?

I'm looking for the key!

You gotta calm down.

I'm sure Aunt Ella and Uncle Curtis have a charger

in the-- yeah, I got the key.

Finally, open the door.

Hey, hey, hey, hey!

Hold on, hold on, hold on. Give me that.

Give it here.

Where'd you get this at?

CJ.

CJ gave it to me.

[inaudible] Look, I want the whole family together.

You heard me?

Well, Calvin's not here.

Well, he's probably with his other baby mama.

No, no, no.

[inaudible]

Hello, I'm right here.

Ella, come on, baby.

Get your ass out of the car and come out here!

[inaudible] And baby, don't walk on the grass.

Gonna kill my begonias.

[inaudible] You don't know about the greenery.

Curtis, what did you just say to me?

I said, get your ass out of the car

and keep your badonkadonk off the begonias.

You know, I thought church was supposed to help you.

It did.

You see I'm about to let them into my house.

Probably just to kick us back out again.

Right.

No, but that's a good idea.

Tada!

Come on, baby.

It's gonna be OK.

Hello.

Curtis, what this?

Yeah, Unc, what is this about?

Come on, grab a seat.

Sit your jaja.

There, baby, have a seat.

Thank you, baby.

Sit your jaja.

Baby, what is this about?

This is beautiful.

Thank you, baby.

So glad you asked.

Thank you.

been here a long time, made a lot of memories.

I too have a dream.

I have a dream that one day--

Curtis.

Black men!

No, no, no.

Come on, what is the purpose?

Baby, look.

This is beautiful.

We've had a lot of memories in this house,

and I just wanted us to create one more.

Oh.

Get your jaja.

Come on, let's go to the bedroom real quick.

You see, I was gonna say that was beautiful,

but you just jacked it up.

It was, though, right, Miranda? - It was great.

Miss Ella, where's the phone?

I need to call Calvin. - Sure, baby.

It's in the kitchen.

OK, thank you.

And if you get him, tell him "hurry up.

Come on, so we can eat."

If you can't reach him, call Mercedes.

Uncle Curtis.

You crazy?

Don't do that.

She's already upset, OK?

I know.

Yeah.

Well, they'll smooth it all out.

I mean, you know, him missing the christening

is not really a big deal.

I know it's bad, but it ain't the end of the world.

Frankly, y'all women be going crazy over all this.

I-- I think I see him coming.

You know, I am a little concerned

about where Calvin is.

Baby, please.

Where is he?

Calvin'll be here in a minute.

OK, y'all calm down.

That boy could sniff out a hot meal 10 miles away.

A hot meal?

Wait a minute.

Who cooked it, Curtis?

Who cooked the hot meal? You?

No.

No, Floyd took care of everything for me.

Floyd?

Floyd cooked the meal?

Let's go, baby.

Come on, we gotta go.

Where the hell do you think you're going?

- We gotta go-- - Get back there.

You ain't going nowhere.

No, we gotta go get--

Get back, get back.

You ain't going nowhere.

Come on, now.

Floyd didn't cook it.

He picked up the stuff that I ordered.

OK?

And I got everybody's favorite.

We got pork chops, huh?

Collared greens, huh?

Mac and cheese, peach cobbler, huh?

Curtis, those are all your favorites, huh?

Focus, focus.

OK, come on.

Don't you want some of that good food I got in there for you?

Curtis, there is no food in there.

Only moving boxes.

No, there's food in there.

I gave Floyd enough money for a feast.

There's no food in the kitchen.

No, fast there's food in that kitchen.

OK.

'Cause if there's no food, that means Floyd took my money.

Uh-huh.

Floyd's my best friend.

Floyd would never take my money.

He took his money.

He took my money.

Calvin did not answer his phone.

OK, Miranda, calm down, baby.

He will be here.

Miss Ella, I will not calm down.

He has been irresponsible our whole marriage.

And frankly, all you do is baby him.

Listen, I'm done, Miss Ella.

Uh, uh, uh, uh.

You two come back.

We done, Miss Ella.

What is wrong with her?

Don't-- don't you dare.

What is wrong with her?

You do baby him, baby.

Do You do baby, baby.

You do baby a bit.

Calm down, Unc.

I mean, calm down, man.

Hold up, hold up, hold up, hold up.

It's not that big a deal.

Baby, beans.

Peanut butter. - OK.

Peanut butter.

Curtis.

Tomatoes.

Canned tomatoes.

There you go, baby, make it happen.

Do your magic.

What do you want me to do with that, Curtis?

Cook a meal!

If I had one more thing, I probably could make something

really, really delicious. - You could?

- Yeah. - Well, what is it?

What you need?

The phone, baby.

That'll take a long time to get tender, though, baby.

We're ordering Chinese food.

Oh, great idea.

That place right across the street from the post office.

They are super fast.

No, no.

That's not what I had planned.

I want some soul food!

Curtis, Chinese food is Asian soul food.

In Korea.

Get it?

Seoul, Korea?

Miranda, would you like some Chinese food, baby?

I would like to know where Calvin is.

I don't think that's on the menu.

Cereal, baby.

We got cereal.

Miranda, Calvin is probably at the church by now,

looking for us.

Yeah, he probably thinks the service is still going on.

Sometimes our pastor can get a little long-winded.

Hah, a little?

That man'd preach till the street lights come on.

Yeah, I hate when you gotta sit

there and listen to the whole football game, and I'm trying--

can you just order me some egg rolls, please?

This day was supposed to be perfect for Christian!

You know what?

I hope Calvin has a really, really good excuse.

And now he's not even answering his phone?

Miranda, if I know Calvin, and I do, wherever he is,

he is sick about missing that christening.

Plus, he may realize you're just

a little bit upset with him.

And he's probably just giving you some time to calm down.

I remember this time Janine was hot,

and I was like, "I am not going home.

I am not going."

Well, if he had packed the bag the night

before the way that I asked him to, then

this would not be an issue.

But of course he forgot, because he always forgets.

He ain't get that from me.

I've got a mind like a steel trap.

Is that right?

Really?

Baby, do you realize what it took

for me to plan this whole thing that Floyd messed up?

Huh?

You ever think about that?

I mean, I wrote down everything, every detail, gave him a list.

All he had to do was read it.

I put where to pick up every item.

I didn't leave nothing out!

And he couldn't even do that.

Now we going through all this 'cause he couldn't read this.

Here it is.

This the list right here.

Everything's on it.

A child could read it.

That's the list that you gave Floyd in your pocket?

Yes.

And he's so dumb--

Yep, he is so dumb.

Do you know how dumb Floyd is?

How dumb is he, baby?

How dumb is Floyd?

That is so whack.

He's-- hot link fried rice.

Uh-huh, hot link fried rice, please.

And some General Tso chicken.

And General Tso Chicken.

Do you want anything, Miranda?

Are you sure?

No, I'm not staying.

I've gotta go get my charger so I can check my phone messages

and see if Calvin left me a message.

OK, well, do you-- do you want me

to order something for Calvin?

Calvin likes-- wait, wait, wait.

Baby milk?

Because you're babying him again.

Fine, Curtis, fine.

OK, Calvin, food?

Yes, no?

Absolutely not.

If he wanted something, then he should have been here.

OK, thank you.

That's it.

Did it just get cold in here?

Curtis, baby, I know that you are not still upset because we

had to order Chinese.

Baby, I just wanted the dinner to be special.

I jacked it up.

No, Curtis, you did just exactly what you set out to do.

How you figure that?

You said you wanted to create a memory.

Yeah, right.

Well, baby, I'm pretty sure that nobody is going to forget

how jacked up this dinner was.

You got a point.

Curtis, I cannot believe that we

are not gonna be here anymore.

I can't believe I ain't gonna see you on that counter

where I tadadada no more.

Curtis, please, I was never on that counter.

We may not have seen each other.

You was on it.

I won't see you sitting in that ratty chair.

Did we do the right thing, baby?

Selling the house?

Yes, we did.

The children are grown, and they don't need us now.

So it's time for us to start the new chapter to our lives, baby.

Yeah, a lot has changed, though.

Can't wait to see what the future holds.

I'll tell you what.

Whatever it holds, I know it's gonna be all good.

As long as I get my baby with me.

Oh.

I'm glad you're gonna be there too.

you're just full of it.

No, no, no.

I am sick of this.

You are so inconsiderate.

You don't care about anyone except yourself.

You don't think that anyone else has problems?

Was that Calvin?

No, that was Tracy calling here because Calvin

never dropped Calvin Jr. Off.

Now you see what I'm talking about?

This is unacceptable.

It is one thing when it's just me,

but now that it's affecting our children?

You know, I know all of y'all are trying to be really

cool about Calvin missing this christening,

but this is a big deal.

I think you're overreacting.

I do too.

Miranda, really, just calm down, baby.

Calvin really means well.

And he has--

No, no, I don't care about him meaning well.

He missed our son's christening.

He was there for Tracy's son.

Miranda, I understand that you are angry, baby,

but you do not have to take it out on everybody else.

Miss Ella, I cannot believe that you are standing here,

and you are OK with him missing your grandson's christening.

Who do you think you're talking to, baby?

She's talking to you, baby.

Curtis.

He was there for Tracy's son's christening, wasn't he?

Yes, he was.

And so were you.

Yes, I was.

Why wasn't he there for mine?

Miranda, I don't know.

I don't know where Calvin is.

And I know you are upset.

But this is the second time you have

blown up at me in my house.

No, no, no.

You will not disrespect me in my house nor my son.

Aunt Ella has a point.

You have been just a little crazy, Miranda.

Oh.

Oh, so now y'all-- y'all are gonna gang up on me now?

No.

Because your son and your cousin,

do you know that he ruined one of the happiest days

in my child's life?

Hey, Miranda, baby, calm down.

Hey, you know what'll help you calm down?

Grab me a beer.

Out the fridge, a cold one.

Oh, you want a beer, Mr. Payne?

Thank you.

Because everyone wants me to calm down.

OK, I got your beer, Mr. Payne.

Have a beer right there for you.

[glass shatters]

Don't grab her, Ella.

Don't grab her.

Don't grab her.

No, no, no, no, no.

Is this my last beer?

Yes.

Oh, I'll grab her.

Man, I just had to leave a message for Calvin

to come here before he goes home.

Gotta look out for my boy.

I just hope you caught him in time.

Me too.

And I hope you got an extra room in your new place, Aunt Ella.

'Cause Calvin might need a place to crash for a few days.

[laughing]

Not funny.

I'm sure they'll be fine.

I know.

You know, I'm really not feeling good about this.

That's 'cause you should have grabbed her.

Throwing beer on the ground, like she got that money

just coming out of nowhere.

That's good beer.

You don't waste good beer like that.

I am not talking about that, OK?

We really should have heard from Calvin by now.

Listen, I know Miranda was wrong for throwing

the beer down, but Calvin should have called by now.

It's only been 30 minutes.

You know, I don't think this is really just about Calvin

missing the christening.

This thing has been brewing for a while now.

Yeah, well, they've been going through a lot.

I mean, the whole say messing with Tracy.

That baby mama drama.

Oh, goodness.

I remember when we went through that thing.

One of my baby mama's was tripping.

We who and what baby mama drama?

What baby?

You don't remember?

Curtis.

And they had to come and stay with us for a while

when the condo burned down.

And they're always strapped for money.

None of that should matter, none of it.

She is still his wife, and she should be supportive.

For better or for worse, through the ups, the downs.

God knows I've had to put up with all kinds

of craziness with this one.

And here's the baby mama drama.

[inaudible] it was way early in the [inaudible]..

OK, well, maybe someone should go and talk to her.

I'll go talk to her.

No, no, no, no, no.

I want to.

Let me talk to her.

Let her go.

We're just gonna let her cool down

without any internal bleeding.

[phone ringing]

Always trying to find something

in that big-ass purse.

Is that Calvin?

No, it's-- it's the pastor's wife.

She probably got a big purse too.

God knows she got a big-ass butt.

Curtis!

Hello?

Hi.

Yes, that was my Uncle Curtis.

Tell her I said "what up."

He will lift up his eyes.

It's gonna be real hot, you're right.

Yeah.

Is-- is-- is everything OK?

Oh.

OK, all right.

No, I'm sorry.

I thought I packed more.

No, I'm very close.

I can just grab some more diapers and bring them to you.

Thank you so much.

OK.

Bye-bye.

That was the pastor's wife.

She needs more diapers, so I'm gonna run by the house.

She needs what?

Some more diapers.

She needs some more dia--

OK.

Janine, Janine, that's code for "come get your kids."

Is it not.

Yes.

- You want me to come with you? - No, no.

You stay here and help Uncle Curtis with Aunt Ella,

just in case Miranda comes back.

I'd rather go with you.

All that aside, I just need you to make sure

you're helping with the kids.

OK.

Thank you.

OK, so did the twins like the ice cream.

They're wearing it.

Nice.

OK, now-- no, no, it's fine.

I'll just grab some extra clothes while I'm here.

No, we've been at Uncle Curtis's all day, because he asked us

to stay for a surprise dinner.

Because he's being nice.

No, stop laughing.

Listen, listen.

Hey, hey, I need you to focus.

Where are the twins' diapers?

You moved them up to their room?

OK, OK.

I will see you in just a minute.

I love you too.

Bye.

Ugh, these kids.

What's my door--

Oh my-- oh my--

Calvin?

Calvin?

God, Calvin!

Jesus, what-- OK, 911.

Are you-- are you-- please be OK.

Come on.

Yeah, yeah, please, please.

I have an emergency.

I need an ambulance now.

Now, please!

I-- I-- I don't know what.

He's just shot.

He's-- he's bleeding from his chest.

[theme music]